Who Needs Dylan and Max? by St. Fang of Boredom

Me: So, I felt the need to start what I know will soon be a trend of Dylan-related stories.

Fang: You're such a trend-setter...

Me: I know, aren't I popular?

Anyway, I had the inspiration for this little oneshot at about 10:00 this morning while lying in bed trying to get my cat off of me so I could roll over. Not to mention trying to wake Fang up.

Fang: She kept poking me...

Me: Then you shouldn't sleep near my bed!

Fang: Then give me my own room!

Me: Ha ha....I don't trust you.

Fang: -sigh-

Disclaimers Don't Lie...: Don't own Maximum Ride....Darnit....Don't want to own Dylan, curse him. I'd like to own Fang, but the closest I can get to that is through kidnapping...I also don't own Shakira. Why do I need to state this? You'll see...

Note: As this story was written before the actual 6th book came out, I have no clue what Dylan looks or acts like, so I'm making it up. When the 6th book comes out and Dylan is nothing like the one I've written, then oh well. I'm just guessing right now.

Profanity Alert!: Mild profanity and mild mentions of attacking people in 'inappropriate ways'. Well, attacking Dylan to be precise. You have now been warned. So no getting angry with me if you read something you didn't want to read...

Slash Warning: Need I say more?

Fang's POV

"Fang, he's...My other half."

I wasn't hearing this. It was too crazy to believe I was hearing this. "They just say he's your other half. He can't be perfect for you! Has he been there as long as I have? Has he known you for as long as I have?"

She was silent, just staring toward the ground.

"Max, you won't pick this guy over me, will you?"

She continued to look at the ground. Why wouldn't she look at me?

"Max, you wont- You can't pick this guy over me! Max, what are you thinking?!"

She finally looked up at me. I could see tears forming in her eyes. "I don't know what to think, Fang! I just don't know anymore!"

Ever heard the expression 'a wave of anger'? Well, I think I now know where it came from. I literally felt something like an unstoppable wave rise up in me, starting in my stomach and sweeping up to cloud my mind. Before I could stop myself, I was yelling at the top of my lungs.

"WELL FINE, MAX! FINE! I'LL MAKE THIS 'OH SO HARD' DECISION EASIER FOR YOU!! JUST FORGET ME, OK? I'VE JUST BEEN THERE FOR FOURTEEN FREAKING YEARS!! I GUESS THAT JUST MEANS NOTHING, DOESN'T IT? IT JUST MEANS-"

The door to the spare room we were in flew open, smashing against the wall and interrupting my rant. My eyes travelled to the door and caught sight of my life's curse himself.

"What the heck is going on in here?" Dylan asked, shaking his shaggy blonde hair out of his eyes. He did that a lot. I don't know why the little freak didn't just get a freaking hair cut. He was probably too stupid to figure out how.

Dylan caught sight of Max, who was now backed up against the wall on the verge of tears, and ran to her. I automatically felt terrible about my anger-induced rant. I started to step forward, wanting to apologize for yet another brilliant Fang screw-up.

"Max, I-"

"Don't you think you've done enough?" Dylan asked me, glaring as he held Max closer to him. "Why don't you get out of here, before you upset someone else?"

I could feel another wave of anger washing over me. My hands balled into fists. I just wanted to punch this guy's lights out. My arm started to move, ready to aim itself at the little prick's face, when realization hit me. If I punch this guy, all it would do was upset Max even more. Dylan had a point. I tended to just upset people, whether it was through my temper or just my annoying habit of never showing emotion. Dylan knew how to show emotion when he needed to. All I could get out was anger.

No wonder Max liked him better. He was probably less stressful.

I raced out of the room. This was too much emotional stress and I couldn't handle it.

"Fang!" I heard Max yelling after me. "Come on, Fang! Come back! Please!"

I ignored her. That was Max's fatal flaw. She cared too much for me, and I was obviously no good for her. Not as good as Dylan, at least.

I headed for mine and Iggy's room in this stupid place. We had been staying at the house- no mansion of the scientist who had introduced us to the Bird-Kid Wonder, Dylan. I hated it here. All being here reminded me of was that I was being replaced. And by some skinny, blonde, Zac Efron wannabe at that.

I raced into our bedroom, slammed the door, and collapsed onto my bed, burying my head under my pillow. I just wanted to shut the world out for a couple hours. Maybe even days. Infinity would be best.

But, the world couldn't even grant me that small luxury.

"Fang? What's up?"

I hadn't even noticed Iggy was in the room. "Nothing, Ig." I mumbled back to him from under my pillow.

Suddenly, my pillow was ripped off of my head. I looked up at Iggy, who took a seat on the bed next to me. "Come on, Fang. I know when you say 'nothing', it's something big. Talk to me."

I pulled myself up, shaking my head. How was it that Iggy could catch on every time I had a problem? I mean, most people could either not pick up on it or they would take the hint and leave me alone. Not Iggy. He'd always work his hardest to drag whatever problem I had out of me.

"Dylan." I spat out.

Iggy nodded. All I had to do was say that one name, and Iggy knew exactly what was up. As my problems with this guy had slowly increased, Iggy became the only one I could really vent to about everything.

"What'd he do now?" Iggy asked me.

I took a deep breath and began telling him everything. About Max not knowing who to choose, about my terrible rant, Dylan coming in and basically ruining my life for the hundreth time. By the time I'd gotten it all out, I was practically shaking from anger with a bit of depression mixed in. I was just one big, angsty ball of mush.

"I just don't get it, Ig!" I said, clenching my fists and closing my eyes, trying to quell my shaking. "We've been though everything together! And she can't decide?! How can she do this to me? And even after Angel's little prediction!" I stopped there. I'd said more than I really wanted.

Iggy rested his wing comfortingly on mine, momentarily stopping the shaking there. "Fang...I'm sorry. I don't understand Max anymore myself."

I nodded slightly. "Sometimes she's like a totally different person. It's like she's bipolar or something."

We sat in silence for a while. I was still trying to stop this stupid shaking. At least the wing that Iggy had his on had stopped. I almost wished he'd put the rest of the wing around me to see if he could stop the rest of me. I was driving myself mad.

"Fang?" Iggy asked, breaking the silence.

"Yeah?"

"Don't worry about Angel's prediction." He said, turning towards me. God, it was freaky how his eyes could lock right on you, even though he couldn't see you. "The future's a pretty uncertain thing. I don't think anyone can tell the future for certain, especially not a little kid like Angel." He moved a bit closer, doing exactly what I hoped and wrapping his wing around both of mine, helping to stop this stupid shaking. Of course, this also brought us in pretty close proximity to each other, but at the time, I didn't mind. I had too many other problems.

"Thanks, Ig. I guess that's a good point, at least." I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding. "Now if I could just get rid of this Dylan kid..."

A grin widened on Iggy's face. "We could....Poison his food."

A small grin played across my face as well. "Or hook up his shower to be a gas chamber."

"Ooo...Nice." Iggy replied. "How about....Soak all of his clothes in meat and sic starving lions on him?"

"Evil. Hey, we could spray him down with toxic waste that'll make his skin dissolve!"

Iggy laughed. "Yeah...Or cut his arms, legs, and wings off with a chainsaw and leave him in the middle of the desert."

"Interesting..." I said, laughing as well. "How about we....Convince Angel to use her mind powers to drive him insane and send him jumping off of a cliff, wings closed?"

"Creative. Hey, we could tie him down and attach explosives to his 'nether regions'. And then, if that doesn't kill him, we'll just hang what's left of him over a balcony and see if any of these African hyenas can finish him off."

That caused me to freeze for a second. "Iggy, you're a sick person."

His grinned widened again. "I know..."

We sat in complete silence for about thirty seconds.

Then burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"Iggy! You're-you're sick! Freaky! H-hilarious!" I was laughing so hard, my sides were starting to hurt. As I laughed, I found myself resting my head on his shoulder. I never laughed so hard in my life. And I barely laughed at all around anyone else. Iggy was more comfortable to be around. Not to mention the funniest person I knew.

I finally started to catch my breath, though I was still resting my head on his shoulder. Moving just seemed like way too much work right then.

"Fang?"

"Yeah, Ig?" He was probably going to ask me to move already. Couldn't blame him, I was probably annoying.

"Why don't you, well...Why don't you just forget about Dylan and Max?"

I froze. "What?"

I felt him take a deep breath. "I just think...Look what all this is doing to you! You're upset, you're shaking. Fang, if Max can't choose between you and this....Winged Wonder, then she obviously, well....She's not worth it, Fang. And Dylan isn't worth the stress, either. You deserve better."

I just sat there for a minute, listening to Iggy's nervous breathing. I didn't know what to say. Forget about Max? How could I? After everything we'd been through...I couldn't. But, the worst part was, Iggy had a point.

I lifted my head up so I was face-to-face with Iggy. When had he gotten that close? "Iggy, how do I let her go?"

He took a deep breath. "You could start by finding someone better. Someone who won't have any trouble choosing you first."

I sighed. "Sure, Ig. And where do I find someone like that?"

Iggy was silent for a while. Of course. He couldn't think of anybody, either. I was basically screwed.

Then, suddenly, Iggy took another deep breath. "Fang...We've known each other forever, right?"

"Yeah..." What was he getting at?

"So...You could say we've known each other long enough that...If I did something- something, well, 'weird', you wouldn't hate me, right?"

I wanted to say, 'You do weird stuff all the time, Ig, and I don't hate you.' but I had a feeling he was being serious. "No, Ig, I wouldn't hate you. What are you getting at?"

Iggy took another deep breath. "Fang, what about if I said....I might know someone...For you?"

"Really...." The kid was acting weird.... "Who? And if you say it's Shakira, I'll know you're bullshitting me."

That cracked a smile back onto Iggy's awkward face. "Why do you have a thing for her, anyway?"

I shrugged. "'Cause she's Shakira." I said, laughing a bit. "Now, what were you talking about, man?"

"Well...I'm not talking about Shakira." He started.

"Damn..."

He chuckled softly. "Yeah, well...Fang....Ummm...." He turned toward me and his forehead brushed against mine. I almost jerked backward away from him, but his wing was still behind me. Besides, for some reason, I didn't really want to move...

"I'm...Not sure how to explain..." Iggy whispered. "Maybe I could just...sh-show, umm..."

"Show me?" I asked. That was Iggy. When he got nervous, he stuttered like crazy.

Wait, why was he nervous?

"Fang..." He whispered. He reached up and rested a hand on my face, brushing a piece of hair out of my face. I closed my eyes, not sure how else to react. I was shaking all over again, plus my heart was racing a mile a minute. What was going on?

Then he pressed his lips against mine.

Two million thoughts and feelings ran through my mind all at once. Jerk away! No, don't do that! Oh my God. He's so warm...Don't lose your head, Fang! What do I do? Iggy's a good kisser. Did I just think that? What's wrong with me? Is there anything wrong with me? Maybe this is perfectly normal....Right. Sure. There is something very wrong with this whole scene. Though...It doesn't feel that wrong...Gosh, I think I see stars. You've got to be kidding me...

I had stiffened up the minute his lips touched mine, but as I sat there with him, thoughts running through my mind, I began to relax, leaning into his kiss. I felt his surprise as I tentatively kissed him back. I could feel every movement he made, I could feel his breathing, his heartbeat. My own heartbeat was beating so hard I swore it would beat its way out of my chest. I wrapped one of my own wings around his shoulders and laid one of my hands on his.

Ok, there had to be something wrong with this. I was in a room in the house of the guy who stole my girlfriend making out with my best friend. I probably needed therapy or something for doing stuff this wrong. But...It just didn't feel wrong...

I don't know how long we sat there, though I know it was long enough for me to run out of air. I guess that's what happens when you forget to breathe. Even after we broke apart, I leaned into him, closing my eyes. I had no idea what to say. I mean, what do you say after something like that? What do you need to say?

The silence dragged on for minutes. Maybe even an hour. Time seemed to have just stopped for a while.

"I'm sorry, Fang."

I kind of did something between a twitch and a jerk. "For what?" Please say he wasn't regretting this. Like my day couldn't get any worse...

"I'm sorry I'm not Shakira."

Complete silence.

Then, I started to crack up. Iggy cracked up with me. Then we found ourselves lying in a tangled heap on the bed, laughing like a couple hysterical hyenas.

I reached forward and ran a hand through Iggy's bright blonde hair. "Well, you have the same hair color." I said, still cracking up.

Iggy pulled himself closer to me, wrapping an arm around my waist. "I don't exactly have the voice, though."

I smiled, pulling his face closer to mine. "I can deal with that."

"Well, isn't that touching?"

Iggy and I both jumped. We hadn't even heard Dylan come in. Damn him. Was he created to be Max's other half, or my living Hell?

"Wow, Fang. Why get so upset at Max for liking me when you had Iggy on the side over here?" Dylan asked, a small sneer playing across his face.

I started to get up, my hands balling into fists. That's it, this guy was getting his lights punched out this time.

Before I could get all the way up, though, Iggy, who had sat up as well, grabbed my arm, stopping me.

"Dylan, don't you have someone else's life to go ruin?" Iggy asked him.

"I was just coming in to tell Fang just what I'll do if he feels the need to upset Max again." Dylan answered, cracking his knuckles threateningly.

"You seem to spend a lot of time bothering Fang..." Iggy mused. "Makes it seem like you might have a thing for him..."

Dylan started to open his mouth to say something back, but Iggy didn't give him a chance.

"Yeah, sorry, Dill, but he's taken. Besides, he's more of a Shakira person than a Zac Efron person. You have heard of haircuts, haven't you? Everyone keeps telling me your hair's longer than the Great Wall of China. Oh, or are you just frustrated because you've realized how much you and Max look alike? I know most of the Flock have noticed the resemblence. Hey, you ever wonder if the School just kind of cloned you from Max's DNA or something, you know, to make that perfect 'other half'? Heck, wouldn't that be incest or something if you guys dated and had the same DNA? It would. What a disturbing thought, huh? No wonder you're always brooding around the mansion! You know, I'm kinda worried about you now...Can you show Fang here wrists? You know, just to check....Don't want you going all emo on us now!"

Dylan just gaped at him. Heck, so did I.

Iggy grinned. "No response, huh? Alright, well, if you have nothing to say...Why don't you get out of here and leave us alone before I blow your balls off with an M-80, 'kay?"

Dylan's mouth just hung open, staring at Iggy like he had two heads. He made a couple of noises that may have been the beginnings of sentences, but I wasn't sure. Finally he muttered something that sounded like 'fags' (though it could have been 'bags' or 'gags' or anything along those lines, he was having such trouble forming words.) and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

"Well....He seemed pissed." I finally said after a couple minutes of shocked silence.

Iggy shrugged. "Hey, I'd be pissed, too, if someone pointed out to me I was dating my sister."

We spent the rest of the night talking, laughing, goofing around, and well...Getting to know each other in a very 'new' way.

As Iggy slept that night, I lay awake, thinking for a while. What was Max going to think about this whole thing when we told her? Well, that is, if the Bird Kid Wonder hadn't told her already. It suddenly hit me that I really didn't care what she thought. If Max wasn't interested in me, than I wasn't interested in what she thought. What about the rest of the Flock? Well, Gazzy might go into shock. Heck, we'd probably scar the poor kid for life. But that was a risk we'd have to take. I was sure Nudge would take it well. And Angel? Heck, she probably already knew. Total? Sheesh, I could care less...

I wondered what we would do now. We didn't have to stay with Max and Dill Weed if we didn't want to. We could go somewhere more...Useful. Or, at least more comfortable. But, the more I thought about it, the more I doubted we would leave. It would mean splitting the Flock up, and I never wanted to do that again. We'd stay. Heck, it'd probably drive Dylan mad for us to be around.

As I drifted off into the most comfortable sleep I'd had in years, curled up next to my best friend, one last thought crossed my mind...

I wonder if Iggy really has an M-80?

Fang: -twitch- -twitch-

Me: So....What'd ya thing, Fangles?

Fang: You....You....

Me: Put Max and Dylan together?

Fang: -shakes head- N-no...You....

Me: Wrote a sweet Figgy fic?

Fang: -gags- Yeah, b-but....You....

Me: -sighs- Revealed your crush on Shakira?

Fang: -nods-

Me: -headdesk- Why do you like her, anyway?

Fang: She's....Shakira.

Me: -rolls eyes- Because her hips don't lie?

Fang: -glares-

Me: Alright, alright, to bed with ye! We'll post this beauty in the morning...

Fang: Whoa! You're not actually posting this thing, are you?

Me: You bet!

Fang: B-but...

Me: -evil grin- It's sooo going up...

To the rest of you...

R&R?

Fang: I demand a halt of this production!!! You can't post this!

Me: I'll let you attack Dylan with M-80s...

Fang: ...I like the way you think...