Job Listings by St. Fang of Boredom

Category:Maximum Ride
Genre:Humor, Parody
Published:2008-12-01 06:28:15
Updated:2011-02-21 02:09:30
Packaged:2021-04-04 14:20:00
Summary:I basically got bored one day and had a random thought: If the Flock applied for jobs, what would be a bad choice? I have random thoughts like that. So, this is what I came up with...Oh, and it's narrated by me and Fang! Fang: Not that I want to be here..

Table of Contents

1. Maximum Ride
2. The Fangster
3. Pyromaniac
4. The Nudge Channel
5. Captain Terror
6. Penguin kidnapper
7. The Furball
8. Jebby Baby
9. Ellalalalalalalalala!
10. I Can Hear Him, But I Can't See Him
11. Son of Wolverine
12. A Box Full of UberFun!
13. Fang Doesn't Date Evil, Lying Traitors
14. Max To The 2nd Power
15. What's Up, Doc?
16. He Makes Fang Look Megally Emotional
17. Antarctic Puppy Love
18. Chewie!
19. Jeb's Boyfriend Vhat?
20. Sam I Am
21. Directing You To the Unemployment Line
22. Dill Weed
23. Gozenstein
24. My Man, Jimmy P

1. Maximum Ride

Just some random thing I wrote while I was bored...

Had 5 hours with nothing to do...

Me and nothing to do is not a good combination....

I don't even have any internet access right now! Just a laptop!

Ok, I'm ranting now...

Let's start!

Fang: You're forgetting something...

Oh, yeah.

Discaimer of Disclaimerness: I don't own nothin'. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Except Fang.

Fang: You don't own me, either!

Me: Well, I can wish....Ok, I don't own Fang either....yet.

Fang: Never!

Me: Now, let's start!

10 Occupations Not Suitable For Maximum Ride:

1. Cheerleader: Can you just imagine?

2. Accountant: Way too boring...

3. Zookeeper: Be free, little animals! Be free!!!

4. Dog Catcher: She'll try to bring in Erasers. Either that, or she'll catch hairy-looking men and claim they're Erasers.

5. Travel Agent: "Hey, ever been to Antartica? It's nice this time of year! You can study global warming!"

6. Trash Collector: "Hey! You're killing the planet! Why isn't all this stuff in a recycling bin?! People like you are causing our ice caps to melt!"

7. Teacher: Way too many bad 'school' experiences...

8. Psychiatrist: If you hear the voices, you can't help other people get rid of them.

9. Chef: She offered to cook breakfast...

10. Relationship Counselor: She can't even work things out with Fang yet!

Me: Ok, Fang's up next. I have ideas already...

Fang: Oh great. Heh, Max should be a cheerleader.

Me: Sexist pig...

2. The Fangster

Yay! Fang's turn!!

Fang: Oh, great...

Me: Awww...Fang has a pouty face!

Fang: I don't pout. -pouts-

Me: He's pouting! Everyone pat him on the head! -pats-


10 Occupations Fang Can't Apply For:

1. Doctor: For obvious reasons...I'd hate to have my doctor freak out at the sight of a needle...

2. Firearms Salesperson: Fang and firearms are not a good combination...

3. Sports Commentator: "And the Dallas Cowboys are ahead by...Hey, check out the cheerleaders!" -Max comes out of nowhere and smacks him-

4. Customer Service at Any Store: Customer: Can you tell me where the produce section is?

Fang: -shrugs-

Customer: Can you tell me where the bathrooms are?

Fang: -shrugs-

Customer: Can you tell me anything?

Fang: -shrugs-

5. Flock Leader: He already applied for this job and wasn't exactly stellar at it...

6. Male Model: Though an interesting thought, he may be killed by a mad stampede of fangirls...

7. Member of the Mafia: I can picture him doing this, and it scares me...

8. Actually, any life of crime: He's silent, he can turn invisible, he can fly; it just wouldn't be fair to the poor cops.

9. Dog Show Judge: Dog Owner: And this is my Shetland Sheepdog...

Fang: Is it an eraser?

Owner: No, but...

Fang: Can it talk?

Owner: No....

Fang: I give it a 10.

Other judges: -sigh-

10. Environmentalist: He's driving me nuts enough already...

Fang: What do you mean, I'm driving you nuts? And I'd make a good male model...

Me: -smacks-

Fang: Ow! Ok! I actually like the sports commentator idea...

Max: -comes out of nowhere- -smacks-

Fang: WTF!

3. Pyromaniac

It's Iggy time!

Fang: Iggy has his own time now?

Iggy: What, jealous?

Fang: No...Hey, where'd you come from?

Iggy: -shrugs- No idea...Where are we, anyway?

Fang: We're in the library of some random school with this random student girl.

Iggy: Why?

Fang: No clue.

Me: I kidnapped Fang, and now I kidnap you! Mwahahahaha!!!!!

Fang: Crap.

Iggy: Is she, like, sane?

Fang: No idea...

Iggy must never get a job as:

1. Secretary of Defense: We're all doomed...

2. Airplane Pilot: "Well, folks, we are now flying over the Atlantic Ocean. Well, at least, I think we are...How should I know? I'm blind!"

3. Cooking Show Host: "Today, we're going to be making a speciality of mine. Fried Eraser! -pulls out flamethrower-

4. Lifeguard: Random Swimmer: Shark!

Iggy: Yeah, hold on! -turns to surfer dude- Could you describe that particular beach bunny again? That kid interrupted you...

5. Firefighter: Other firefighter: We have to put out the fire!

Iggy: Why? Fire is cool!

Firefighter: The fire's at the Itex headquarters!

Iggy: Oh, yeah, that was me. Sorry! Not...

6. Male Model: For the same reasons as Fang, plus, every time the camera went off, he'd see this really bright white light. A blinding white light, which is kind of weird, if you think about it...

7. A Crayola Crayon Plant Worker: All those different colored crayons he'd have to touch...might give him a headache...

8. Pizza Delivery Guy: Besides the fact that he might be a bit traumatized from his last pizza delivery (the pizza box bomb), he can't drive the car.

9. Science Teacher: Today, kids, we're going to do a little experiment with explosives...

10. Bank Robber: High security lock? No problem...

Iggy: Why did she make a list about me?

Fang; She's bored.

Iggy: Ok...Does Max know you're here? Where are we, anyway? Maybe I can get away and tell her where you are and-

Me: Begone, mortal!

Iggy: -disappears-

Fang: Damn...

4. The Nudge Channel

Fang: -throws paper airplane out window- Ha!

Me: What?

Fang: That was a message telling where I am and who I'm with! Help will be here soon to rescue me from you! I'm saved!

-random bird flies down, grabs message, rips to shreds, and puts in bird's nest-

Fang: Damn.

Nudge Should Never have a Job as A:

1. Talk Show Host: The world just isn't ready...

2. Butcher's Shop Worker: The poor animals!

3. Ventriloquist: She wouldn't need anyone to talk to anymore. She could just talk to herself! She'd never shut up!

4. Computer Hacker: We'd all be doomed...

5. News Anchor: Not only would we have to hear about cute animals, cars, and celebrity clothing, we'd have to hear about it a lot.

6. Therapist: She'd talk more than her clients would!

7. A Preacher: We'd have to make Sunday a couple more hours long...

8. Ship Captain: Her compass might keep spinning to point to her.

9. Any kind of metal factory worker: 1,000 pounds of metal flying through the air towards Nudge? Not good.

10. Telemarketer: God, help us all...

Fang: I hate birds...

Me: Uhhh...Fang? You're part bird.

Fang: Oh, yeah...

5. Captain Terror

I smell....Gazzy!

Fang: Where? Where?

Me: I was just kidding, Fang.!

Fang: Darn...

Me: You want to smell Gazzy? Are you nuts?

Fang: No....I just miss my Flock! -cries-

Me: Awww....poor Fang! He's so Flocksick, he's crying!

Fang: I'm not crying! Hey, does this mean you're gonna let me go?

Me: Let me think about it.....No.

Fang: -cries-

10 Jobs Gazzy's Just Not Allowed to Hold:

1. Senator: If he doesn't like what the other senators are saying, he can just 'put words in their mouths' which could possibly start the next civil war.

2. Perfume Maker: Ewwww...

3. Iggy's Apprentice: One Iggy really is enough...

4. UFO Hunter: "Look, a UFO! Just kidding. Look, a UFO! Got ya again! Look, a UFO!"

5. The Country's New 'Secret Weapon': He could rival the Nazi's WWII gas chambers...

6. Weird Al's Apprentice: And I thought the 'Iggy's Apprentice' idea was bad...

7. Gas Station Worker: He's got enough 'gas'.

8. Lawyer: The witnesses always say exactly what he wants them to...

9. Hair Stylist: Can anyone else see him shaving 'Bite Me' onto the back of everyone's head?

10. Telemarketer or Charity Caller; He could get money out of anyone! All he'd have to do is say, "Hello, this is Oprah speaking..."

Fang: -crying uncontrolably-

Me: I almost feel sorry enough for him to let him go....


6. Penguin kidnapper

Me: -gives Fang a tissue- Are you done crying now?

Fang: I wasn't crying! -blows nose-

Me: Whatever...

Angel Must Never Be Allowed to Become:

1. President: World Domination just wouldn't be a good idea right now...

2. Olympic Swimmer: The whole 'never coming up to breath' thing is not only unfair, but might freak out the other competitors...

3. Worker At Seaworld: "This just in; it seems that all the penguins at Seaworld have gone missing..."

4. Sport's Coach: You don't have to worry about players screwing up a play if you're controlling their minds. You also don't have to worry about losing if you're controlling the other team's minds, too...

5. School Principal: How are kids (or teachers) supposed to get away with anything if their principal already knows who did it?

6. Any Kind of Store Worker: I can just see the sales in the store going up as Grandmas get this sudden 'urge' to buy their grandchildren every toy they see. Heck, they'll buy other people's grandchildren toys, too!

7. Flock Leader: She's just too willing...

8. A Fanfiction Writer: No, it wouldn't be fanfiction, it'd be exactly what the Flock was really thinking...Ultimate Faxness, but just unfair...

9. Head of the Navy: Not only would all the naval submarines be painted pink, they'd be led by very obedient sea creatures. (One of them being a penguin named Pooky.)

10. Leader of Any Other Country: If we don't want her here, we definetely don't want her somewhere else!

Angel: -appears- World Domination! Mwahahahahaha!!!! -disappears-

Me: Ok...

Fang: Yeah, that was weird...

7. The Furball

Fang: what?

Me: Well, I was thinking...

Fang: A dangerous hobby of yours...

Me: I'm gonna do...........Total!

Fang: Oh, great.....

Me: Leat's not beat around the bush here and get started!

Fang: Beat around the.....Why are we beating the president?

Me: No, no, not the president! It's a saying! Besides, in the little alternate universe that your story takes place in has a different president.

Fang: Angel?

Me: No!!! President....Danning, was it?

Fang: I don't know. All I know is that Angel is taking over.

Angel: -appears randomly- Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!! -disappears-

Me: I really wish she'd stop doing that....

If Total Tries These, He Will Be Put On A Leash:

1. President of PETA: He'll never shut up...

2. Tour Guide: "And this is where the Queen's Jewels are kept. They were placed here in blah blah blah blah...

-tourists fall asleep-

3. Vice President: This will only happen if Angel become President. Since that should not happen, this shouldn't either.

4. Dog Food Tester: "Ugh! This is sooooo generic!" -shudders- "It needs a little more spice, a little more, gourmet..."

5. Fang's Personal Pet Dog; This would cause Fang to commit suicide, which would be sad and many fangirls would cry.

6. Actor: Can you just imagine? If they did a remake of the Wizard of Oz...

"I need my own trailer, and not one of those little 'camper' things, a trailer. And can't we get some better food around here? Where's my make-up artist? I'm telling you, if things don't get better, you'll be speaking to my agent. When I win the Oscar, you'll be sorry you messed with Total..."

7. Rescue Dog: "Nope, nope, much too cold out there. Those hiker's fault for going out in this horrid weather in the first place! Let's make hot chocolate, shall we? Akila can go fetch them in the morning."

8. Seeing Eye Dog: Now, Iggy, I know we're supposed to meet back up with the Flock, but I really do think we shoukd go this way first. There's a splendid historical museum just down the road..."

9. Singer: Enough said....Just a bad idea all around...

10. Therapy Dog: The whole point is to give patients therapy, not put them in it....

Fang: God knows I need therapy after putting up with Total........and you.

Me: What was that?

Fang: Nothing......

Me: Fang?

Fang: What?

Me: Is there any chance you might become gay and get together with Edward Cullen?

Fang: WHAT?

Me: Nevermind, just a random thought on my profile......

Fang: Huh?

Me: Nevermind.....

8. Jebby Baby

Fang: May I ask, why are you calling Jeb "Jebby Baby"?

Me: 'Cause it sounds funny!!!

Fang:, about that question you asked me.......not gonna happen.

Me: WHY?!?!

Fang: I'm not gay!

Me: WHY?!?!

Fang: You want me to be gay????

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fang: Wtf? Then why are you upset????

Me: Sugar!!!!!!!

Fang: Oh, boy.....

Me: You should try sugar, Fang!!


Me: I'll get you hyper by the end of this chapter!!!!

Fang: Again, no....

Jeb Should Definetely Stear Clear of These Jobs:

1. Male Model: -fangirls cover eyes and scream- Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! We're blind!!!!!

Iggy: Me too!

2. Male Stripper: See above.

3. Pediatric Doctor: I think he's had enough to do with both the medical profession and young children.

4. OnStar Operator: Jeb: Hello. I see you've been in a crash.

Driver: Yeah I- Wait! Are you speaking in my head?

Jeb: Uh, No! I'm, uhhhh....speaking through OnStar!

Driver: I don't even have OnStar!

Jeb: Oops. Wrong guy....

5. Educational Science Movie Guy: And today on Jeb Nye the Science Guy, we're going to learn about........Animal/Human Hybrid Experimentation!

Students: Yay!!!

(Ok, how many of you seriously know who Bill Nye the Science Guy is? I find fewer and fewer people have heard of him....-sigh-)

6. Wal-Mart Santa Clause: "And what would you like for Christmas, little children? How about wings?"

-Max appears out of nowhere and smacks him-

7. Babysitter: So many obvious I have to list them?

"Honey, where's the babysitter? Wait, second thought, where are the kids?"

8. Rapper: Jeb: -raps-

Here we are, experimentin' at the School

The Flock just makes me feel like a tool

All the other experiments sit and drool

I'm their creator, that Max is just a fool!

Me, the Flock, and other Fans: -burst into uncontrollable laughter-

-Fang and Max go onstage, tie Jeb up, and send him to the funny farm-

9. Pet Store Worker: For just about the same reasons why he's not allowed around young children, Jeb is also not allowed around animals.

10. Scientist: I know he is one, but don't you think it's about time he had his license taken away???

Fang: See? I'm not hyper! Not hyper. Not hyper! NOT HYPER! That's fun to say. Sugar has no effect on me! Like gravity! Sugar is good for me! -eats more sugar- It has calories! Calories are good for me! You know what else is good? Monkeys! I want one named Mufasa! I want a orange…..with sugar! Zimbabwe!!!

Me: Someone help me! I think I've turned Fang into Nudge! So I need help! Finding a video camera, that is……..

Fang: -singing-

Fish and chips and vinegar!



Fish and chips and vinegar!

Pepper pepper pepper salt!

Don't throw your junk in my backyard.

My backyard!

My backyard!

Don't throw your junk in my backyard!

My backyard's full.

Me: -lol-

9. Ellalalalalalalalala!

Me: We're back....

Fang: And that's the only warning you get.

Me: We had to take a hiatus. First, to get Fang off of his sugar high, then to recover his lost pride because of said sugar high.

Fang: Which you have just promptly shot down again....

Me: Oh, be quiet. 'Pride cometh before the fall.'

Fang: 'And when you fall, pride goeth.'

Me: Shove it. So, according to the poll, Ella must be written about next!

Fang: Poor Ella.

Me: Yay! And after this, I'm goin' to Forks!

Fang: To steal Embry?

Me: -rolls eyes- No, I'm going to get Edward and stick him in a room with you.

Fang: Hmmmm...Room with you, or room with Edward. I'd pick....

Me: And Edward will be thirsty.

Fang: ....You.

Me: Good boy!

Ella's List of Summer Job Dont's:

1. Cop: Though she's got the guts, without Max to back her up, well....bam!

2. Stalker: Iggy, watch out....

3. Supermodel: Down, Iggy, down boy!

4. Stylist:

Ella: Max! This would look so totally awesome on you! You should wear it to the Senate. Oh, and this! You could come to the Winter Dance at my school in this! Oh, and Fang would look so good in this, and...

Max: Ummm...Ella, could you calm down for a sec...

Iggy: She's turned into Nudge...

Fang: -hides-

5. Football Player: We are gathered here today, to say goodbye to Ella Martinez....

6. Human-Avian Hybrid: Max will not let this happen, so, hopefully, this is not something to worry about.

7.Eraser: Now here's some irony for ya....

8. Gangster: Even more ironic.

9. The Flock's PR:

Ella: Yeah, Max is ok, she still won't wear all those cool clothes I picked out when I was her stylist. -pouts- Oh, Fang? Yeah, he's ok....But Iggy! You know, he's blind! But he can cook! It's soooo awesome! Oh my gosh, you guys are filming this? Hi to all my friends, I'm on t.v.!!

10. Mad Scientist: Actually, this would be really funny...

-Flock, after having been knocked out in there sleep, wakes up in the basement, tied up-

Max: How'd we get down here?

-evil laughter-

Max: Jeb?

Laughing Person: No...

Fang: It's a girl. I knew Dr. Martinez aws up to something when I found that picture of Gazzy!

LP: No.... -steps into light-

Flock: Ella!

Ella: Mawhahahaha! It was me the whole time! And you guys trusted me...ha! And the best part is, I've been promoted to Director!

Flock: No!

Ella: -pulls out chainsaw- Let's do some exploratory surgery...

Max: Uhhh....shouldn't you be, uhhh...taking us back to the school to do that. Ya know, with surgical equipment?

Ella: -looks at chainsaw- -shrugs- Nah, this pulls off the whole 'ironically evil mad scientist who's extremely scary' thing. -revs up chainsaw-

Flock: -screams-

Ella: Don't worry, Iggy, you get to live.

Iggy: I'll never abandon my Flock for you!

Ella: You get a new house with a huge kitchen, 20 year old female maids, and you're in charge of Itex's explosives unit.

Iggy: ............Ok.

Fang: -muchos sarcasm- Oh, thanks for the loyalty, Ig.

Fang: Are you really going to Forks?

Me: Will you fly me there? -begs-

Fang: Oooo....let me consider that one!!

Me: Awww....Guess I'm not going to Forks.....

Fang: Good.

Me: I'll just use those plane tickets to Italy and go to Volterra instead! -runs off-

Fang: Volterra...that's the place with all the really big, scary vamps, right? Saint, do you think that's safe? Saint? Saint! Come back!! Oh, crap. -follows-

To be continued....

10. I Can Hear Him, But I Can't See Him

Fang: -is wandering aimlessly through Volterra- Saint? Oh, this was such a bad idea...Where the heck am I, anyway?

Gianna: Can I help you?

Fang: -jumps- Where'd you come from?

Gianna: I work here. Can I help you?

Fang: I'm looking for someone. She's a fanfiction writer. Kind of tallish.....shorter than me, though. Ok, she's averageish....

Gianna: -rolls eyes- A little more specific, if you please.

Fang: The freaky girl in the Death Eater outfit.

Gianna: Oh! Right through those doors!

Fang: Thanks! -walks through doors- -sees large amount of vampires milling around- -gulps- -sees Saint sitting with Aro, laughing-

Saint! What are you doing?!

Me: Hey! I'm talking to my friend, Aro. You're being rude.

Fang: You're being crazy! Don't you realize you're in a room full of-

Volturi: -glare at Fang-

Fang: -careful not to make eye contact with Jane- A room full of very respectable and powerful vampires....yeah.

Me: Yeah, but it's ok. Aro's my new friend!

Fang: Great.....can we go home now?

Me: Sure. -High-fives Aro- Catch ya on the flip side, Ro-ro! Oh, and don't worry. Canadia totally respects your authority.

Aro: See ya later, Sainty!

Fang: Ro-ro? Sainty?

Me: Hey, you try coming up with nicknames for names like that! Come on, Fang, let's roll, my little feathery friend.

The Voice Must Never Be Permitted to Pursue These Occupations:

1. Talk Show Host: Voice: And welcome to-

Audience Member: I don't see anybody...

Voice: I'm right here!

A.U.: Where?

Voice: Here!

A.U.: Whatever. I'm going to the Ellen Degeneres Show.

Voice: No! You will stay......

A.U.: Nice try.

2. After Failing on T.V., Become a Radio D.J: You will all save the world....Right after this Paramore song!

3. One of those commercial voices: You can save the world....For just 19.95 plus shipping and handling! This kind of thing isn't sold in stores! (I have to admit, he would be better than Billy Mays.)

4.American Idol Judge: Voice: There are more important things in the world than yourself.

Contestant: What's that supposed to mean?

Voice: It mean's you didn't make it your own.

Contestant: Where are you, anyway?

Voice: Uhhhhh.....Seacrest! We need to go to break!

5. Psychiartrist: Voice: No, you're not crazy!

Patient: But I'm hearing a voice in my head!

Voice: We'll take care of that.

Patient: But you're the voice!

Voice: ...

6. Singer: You know what? I don't even want to imagine it.

7. Soap Opera Actor: Voice: Fang, I'm having your child!

Iggy: No, I am!

Voice: But I am!

Iggy: That man-slut!

Max: Fang, you're cheating on me!!

Nudge: No, he's cheating on me! And so is Iggy!

Gazzy: Iggy, how could you?!

Total: Fang! What is this? I thought we had something!

Akila: Woof?

Angel: Iggy stole my lollipop!

Voice: Iggy! Your life of crime is tearing us apart!

Iggy: I have to raise Justin somehow!

Max: Fang! You deadbeat dad! This is all your fault!

Fang: -is most extremely confused- -hides-

(Poor Fang.)

8. Telephone Operator: Voice: At the sound of the tone, it will be.....time for Max to save the world.

Max: -hangs up-

Fang: So, what time is it?

Max: Don't ask.

9. Presidential Advisor: Can't you see the 2 million ways this could go wrong?

10. Telemarketer: Nobody likes these guys, anyway.

Voice: Hello, would you be interested in this lovely world-saving device?

Max: -hangs up- He's everywhere.....

Fang: Who was that?

Max: .....Telemarketer.

-phone rings-

Fang: -picks up- Hello?

Voice: I'm a debt collector calling about your child support payment-

Fang: -hangs up-

Fang: Ok, good. We're out of the creepy vampire place. Let's go home.

Me: We can't go home!

Fang: Why?

Me: I have to return Professor Dumbledore's Second-Favorite Quil. To Hogwarts!

Fang: Or we could-......Saint? Saint! Come back! Hey, isn't that guy dead? Saint? Crap......

11. Son of Wolverine

Fang: -is wandering through Hogwarts- I don't know why I bother sometimes.... -sees a student- Hey, you! With the scar and the messed-up hair!

Harry: Me?

Fang: No, Oprah Winfrey. Yeah, you!

Harry: What do you want?

Fang: I'm looking for a girl. She's dressed like one of those Death Eater dudes. Seen her?

Harry: You're looking for a Death Eater?!

Fang: Well, she's not really-

Harry: Expelliarmus!

Fang: -gets slammed into wall- Hey, what was that-

Harry: Stupefy!

Fang: -dodges- Stop! -runs for it- -tries to hide behind a gargoyle statue-

Harry: Expecto Patronum! -deer begins looking for Fang-

Fang: -whispers- What is up with that kid? Paranoid much? And his stupid, how would Saint put it? Nargle-licking deer.

-gargoyle statue jumps aside, revealing staircase-

Fang: Oks...-runs up stairs- -finds door- -knocks-

Voice from Within: Enter!

Fang: -goes in- -sees Saint and Professor Dumbledore hangin' out-

Finally! I've been looking everywhere for you! And then, some scarred-up kid attacked me...

Me: -sighs- You can't stay out of trouble, can you?

Fang: Maybe if I wasn't chasing after you!

Professor D: Fang, dude, chill out, man! You're having a freaking spazz-out to the max!

Fang: -twitches- Huh? Since when does he talk like that? And isn't he dead?

Me: -shrugs-

Ari Need Not Apply:

1. Get a Part in X-Men: Yeah, he looks the part, but not only would his temper get in the way (Example: -breaks piece of set- I want my agent!!), but the part he looks like is already taken. Unless they do a sequel called 'Son of Wolverine'. Actually, that could be interesting...Wait, shut up, Saint. Don't give him any ideas....

2. Wal-Mart Worker: They don't tend to hire people who have robbed them...

3. Mad Scientist: Like father, like son....Wait, does that mean Max has the 'mad scientist' gene too? -shudders-

4. Dog Catcher: The irony is just too much....

5. Max's Personal Bodyguard: Can't you just see Fang having a meltdown?

Fang: What are you doing here?

Ari: I'm Max's new bodyguard!

Fang: I thought you died!

Ari: Like you said, "Just can't kill people like you used to."

Fang: You are the only living being that has ever made me consider inflicting bodily harm upon myself.

Ari: Awww....I love you, too, Fangy!

6. Fang's New Best Friend: (see above) Hired by Max because of her concern that Fang's not getting enough 'peer socialization' and might actually start a cult.

7. Babysitter: I would mention the dangers that hiring him would put young children in, but I don't think we have to worry. Really, if you had kids, would you hire the Wolverine look-alike to watch them?

8. Broadway Singer:

Ari: I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and gay! And-

Fang: U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly!

Max: What are you two doing?

Fang and Ari: Nothin'........

9. Cheerleader: Oh. My. Gosh....

Ari: -in a miniskirt- Erasers! Erasers! Let's go Erasers!!

Fang: Ahhhh!!! I'm blind!

Iggy: ZOMG! Me too!

Fang: -smacks-

10. English Teacher: He can't spell, remember?

Ari: -writing on board- WELLKUM 2 INGLISH KLAS.

Saint: -raises hand- Mr. Batchelder, that's all spelt wrong...

Ari: Hey, I'm the teacher here!

Saint: And I'm the Human Spell Check! It's wrong!

Ari: Detention!

Saint: Fang!

Fang: -attacks Ari-

Class: ZOMG! No way!!!! (I wish my entire class would actually say that. It'd be awesome.)

Me: -leaving Hogwarts with Fang- Guess we go home now....

Fang: Finally!

Me: Hey, look! Somebody left an old wardrobe closet out here!

Fang: Weird.

Me: -opens wardrobe- Zomg! Fang, come see! -dives into wardrobe-

Fang: -walks over- What? -looks in- Saint? Where'd ya go? Saint? -sees lampost- Oh, great...... -follows me into wardrobe and the world beyond-

12. A Box Full of UberFun!

Fang: -wandering aimlessly through the snow- Saint? Where'd ya go? Gosh, she's in a black cloak, she shouldn't be that hard to find...

-jingling noises-

Fang: What's that?

Woman: -appears on a sleigh- I am the Queen of Narnia!!

Fang: That's....nice.

Queen: Is that how you address a Queen?!

Fang: -shrugs-

Queen: No matter. What is your name, boy?

Fang: None-ya.

Queen: None-ya?

Fang: None-ya Business.

Queen: -glares- How dare you?!

Fang: Sorry, I don't give my name out to potential pedophiles.

Queen: That's it, get in my sleigh!

Fang: See? You're already acting like a pedophile!

Queen: -sighs, trying to calm down- I'm sorry, I lost my temper. Oh, I bet your cold out here! You can get into my sleigh and warm up a bit! We can get something for you to drink and eat!

Fang: I'm not getting in your sleigh, not even for food. You probably drugged it, you pedophile.

Queen: I'm not a pedophile.

Fang: Ok......pedophile.

Queen: That's it! Get into my sleigh, Son of Adam!!

Fang: Who? Hey, whatever happened to good old son of a-

Me: -bursts out of bushes- Don't touch Fang! Hey, everyone! I found the White Witch!!!

-little talking mouse appears out of nowhere-

Mouse: Attack!!!!!!!!

-random animals come flying out of woods and attack-

Witch: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -runs away-

Me: -huggles Fang- We saved you from the evil White Witch! She would've taken you away to her castle!!

Fang: I knew she was a pedophile!!

Access is Denied for the Uber-Director in These Areas:

1. Supermodel: How would that even work?

2. Aquarium Worker: U.D.-And in my lower box, we have a very rare tropical fish...

Visitors- Ewwww....

3. Wal-Mart People Greeter: U.D.- Welcome to Wal-Mart!

Shoppers- Ewww!!! -run away-

4. Working Anywhere Near a Baseball Park: U.D.- Peanuts! Get your peanuts!

-fly ball hits organ box- -box breaks-

U.D.- Oh, crap! -dies-

Fang- -goes and picks up his fly ball- Mwahahahaha....

5. A Dancer: Just no. No, no, no....

6. Matchmaker: I just had this random thought.....

Fang- I can't believe some random person set me up on a blind date...

Gozen- -waves from nearby table-

Fang- Shit.

7. Musical Actor: U.D.- -singing on a hill- The hills are aliiiiiiiiive with the sound of-

-wild animals attack and begin to eat organs-

U.D.- Ahhhh!!!!!! -dies-

Flock- -watching and eating popcorn-

Fang- I like musicals.

8. McDonald's Worker: U.D.- Welcome to McDonald's! What would you like to order?

Customer 1- I think I lost my appetite...

Customer 2- This place just keeps getting more and more disgusting...

9. Opera Singer: U.D.- -singing off key-

Opera goers- -throw rotten veggies- -break organ boxes-

U.D.- Nooo!!!!! -dies-

Fang- This is better than the musical!

10. Ella's Partner in Crime to Destroy the World!: (As continued from Ella's Job Listings.)

Ella- Mwahahahaha!! Now that the Flock is under my control, the world is mine!!!

U.D.- I shall call China and see if they're still interested in an alliance, Mistress.

Iggy- Hey, I thought he was the Director!

Ella- Well, he failed epically, so now I am!

U.D.- -goes and cries incorner of the School-

Ella- U.D.! Stop being Zac Efron!!

Iggy- Hey, can the maids in my mansion wear bikinis?

Ella- Whatever.

Iggy- Sweet!!


Fang: Saint? What are we doing, again?

Me: Aslan wants to meet with us, Fang!!!

Fang: Who's he?

Me: -smacks forehead- Only the greatest and most powerful living thing in Narnia!

Fang: -shrugs- Whatever...

Aslan: -appears- -roars-

Fang: WTF! Lion!

Me: -elbows Fang in ribs- -forces him into a bow-

Aslan: Thank you for helping to stop the White Witch, Son of Adam and Daughter of Eve.

Fang: -rolls eyes- Here we go again...

Me: Hey, it was no problem Aslan, my man. Lion. Buddy.

Fang: Yeah, she was a pedophile.

Me: -whacks Fang-

Aslan: Your help here has been greatly appreciated. Now, Saint, there is a messenger here for you.

Me: Ok....

Spiffy: St. Fang of Boredom! Queen of Canadia!! -bows-

Me: Spiffy!! -huggles- What's about my hobbity little friend?

Spiffy: You must come to Middle Earth immediately!! Sauron has escaped the void and is attacking Gondor! Mt. Doom is on fire again! Middle Earth may be doomed without your help! And I'm out of jello!

Me: -gasp- Come, Fang! We must save Gondor and all of Middle Earth!!

Fang: But I kinda wanted to go home....

Me: Bye, Aslan!

Fang: Yeah, and watch out for pedophiles!!

Me: Shut up!!

-Spiffy, Fang, and I disappear in a cloud of smoke-

Aslan: Humans are confusing...

13. Fang Doesn't Date Evil, Lying Traitors

-Fang, Spiffy, and I appear in Middle Earth-

Me: -is wearing an elvish tunic- Alright, Spiffy, lead the way!

Fang: What are you wearing?

Me: A tunic! It's all the rage in Mirkwood.


Spiffy: This way!

-walking through the random forest-

Fang: How long are we going to have to walk?

Me: We walk until we see the Tower of Orthanc!

Fang: 'Cause I know what that looks like.....

Tree: Whhhooooo goooooesssss thereeeeeee??????

Fang: WTF?!?!

Me: Oh, it's just Treebeard. Hi, Treebeard!

Treebeard: Helllllloooooooo Saaainttttt.

Fang: Great, talking tree.

Spiffy: He's an Ent!

Fang: Whatever, can we go?

Treebeard: Heeeee iiiisssss veerrrryyyyy haaasssstyyyyy.....

Me: Yep.

Fang. -shrugs-

DIE, BRIGID, DIE!!!!!!!!:

1. I Will Not, Under Any Circumstances, Allow Brigid To Become Fang's Girlfriend: I have no need to explain why this is bad. It's obvious.

2. Overthrow Max and Become Flock Leader: Yeah, like that could happen, anyway....

Brigid- I shall become Flock leader now, Maximum!! -holds up clipboard as weapon-

Flock- -stares- -bursts into laughter-

Max- -pushes Brigid into ocean- That was the funniest thing I've heard all day...

3. Lingerie Model: Brigid- Hi, Fang!! -waves from catwalk-

Fang- -stares-

Max- -jumps up and brutally murders Brigid-

Crowd- -thunderous applause-

4. Assistant to Mr. Chu: She might already be this....We must stop her!!

Max- -finds her- -brutally murders-

Crowd- -thunderous applause- Yay, an encore!

5. My Environmental Studies Teacher: Brigid- Global Warming is bad, children. Stop it at all costs! Listen to Fang!

Me- You mean that dude in my basement?

Brigid- -le gasp- Give him to me!

Me: Never!! -snaps fingers- Max.....

Max- -runs into room- -brutally murders Brigid-

Class- -thunderous applause-

6. Officer in the Navy: Seriously, how did she even make it through B.S.?

Brigid- OMG! I broke a nail! Fang, save me!!!

Officer 1- Ok, guys, can we just shoot her?

Officer 2- It might be worth life in prison....

7. A Witch: She must be one! Think about it! She's been giving Fang love potion, which is why he followed her around like a lost puppy. But, she ran out, letting him embrace his true feelings for Max.

8. Drug Dealer: That's my other theory. She's giving Fang drugs. Luckily, Fang's love for Max broke him of his addiction!

9. Pedophile: Well, that's what she is! He's 14! She's, like, what? 20-something? That's illegal! He's jailbait!

...Crap, I'm 18. He's jailbait to me, too.....

10. Massage Therapist: Brigid- Fang, you need a backrub?

Fang- ....No.

Brigid- But you look so tense!

Me- What else is new?

Brigid- Where'd you come from?

Me- -shrugs- Plothole....

Max- Hey, Brigid, didn't I just brutally murder you, like, three times?

Brigid- I'm invincible! I'm a vampire!

Bonus! 11. Volturi Member: Me- ......You're a vampire?

Brigid- Yes! I'm a Volturi!

Me- -gives Max a flamethrower- Have fun!

Max- -grabs flamethrower- Mwahahahahaha......

Brigid- Uh-oh.....

Max- -brutally sets on fire-

Fang- BBQ!

Treebeard: Theeerrrreeee iiiisssss sssssoooommmmeooone heeeerrrreeee tooooo seeeee youuuuuu, Saaaaaiiiint.

Me: Ooooo.....Who?

Legolas: Aaye, Arwenamin.

Me: Legolas! Nae saian luume'!

Fang: Huh?

Legolas: Yallume! I'narr en gothrim glinuva nuin I'anor.

Me: Cuamin megrille yassen linduva.

Fang: What the heck are they speaking?

Spiffy: Eldalie!

Fang: What?

Spiffy: Elvish!

Fang: Well, I don't get it. Hey, Saint! English, please!

Me: Mani uma lle merna?

Fang: You're not gettng it! Speak English!

Me: Oh, yeah! Legolas, we have to speak English. Fang doesn't speak our language.

Legolas: Amin n'rangwa edanea.

Me: Legolas....

Legolas: Fine. King Aragorn would like to meet you at Minas Tirith.

Me: Will do! Lissenen ar' maska'lalaith tenna' lye omentuva!

Fang: Hey! What happened to English?

Legolas: Cormamin niuve tenna' ta elea lle au'. Oh, and to you, Fang, Llie n'vanima ar' lle atara lanneina.

Fang: Huh?

Me: Legolas!!

Spiffy: Oooo....burn.

Legolas: -springs off-

Spiffy: I'm sensing jealousy, Lady Saint.

Fang: What'd he say?

Me: Gondor!

Translation, 'Cause I Know You Need One...

Legolas: Aaye, Arwenamin. (Hail, my lady!)

Me: Legolas! Nae saian luume'! (It has been too long)

Fang: Huh?

Legolas: Yallume! I'narr en gothrim glinuva nuin I'anor. (At last! The bones of our foes will gleam under the sun.)

Me: Cuamin megrille yassen linduva. (My sword shall sing with your bow.)

Fang: What the heck are they speaking?

Spiffy: Eldalie!

Fang: What?

Spiffy: Elvish!

Fang: Well, I don't get it. Hey, Saint! English, please!

Me: Mani uma lle merna? (What do you want?)

Fang: You're not gettng it! Speak English!

Me: Oh, yeah! Legolas, we have to speak English. Fang doesn't speak our language.

Legolas: Amin n'rangwa edanea. (I don't understand these humans.)

Me: Legolas....

Legolas: Fine. King Aragorn would like to meet you at Minas Tirith.

Me: Will do! Lissenen ar' maska'lalaith tenna' lye omentuva! (Sweet water and light laughter 'till we next meet.)

Fang: Hey! What happened to English?

Legolas: Cormamin niuve tenna' ta elea lle au'. Oh, and to you, Fang, Llie n'vanima ar' lle atara lanneina. (My heart shall weep until it sees thee again.) (To Fang: You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.)

-no joke! that's what it says!-

14. Max To The 2nd Power

-in a throne room-

Gimli: Aragorn....We need to talk.

Aragorn: About what?

Gimli: It's about your.....bathing habits.

Aragorn: What about them?

Me: You smell, Strider, you smell!

Aragorn: Saint! You've arrived!

Me: -bows- Your majesty, King Elessar, it's a pleasure to be back in Minas Tirith.

Spiffy: -bows- Your Majesty!

Aragorn: Spiffy, you too! ......Who's the guy eating my food? -points to food table-

Me: Oh, that's Fang. Fang, put the food down!

Fang: -eating food- But I'm hungry!

Me: You can eat later!

Fang: I can't function without food! Besides, I don't want to go over there.

Me: Why?

Fang: The guy on the throne? He smells.

Me: I know, I know. We have to deal with it, though, so you do, too! Here, boy!

Aragorn: Why does everyone think I smell?

Gimli: -sigh-

Max 2, That Copycat, You're Not Hired:

1. Max: We've had problems with this already...

2. Fang's Girlfriend: Max 2- Fang, I love you!

Fang- I love yo, too, Max.

Max- Fang!

Fang- Max?!

Max 2- Ignore her. She's an imposter!

Max- No, Fang, she's the imposter!

Max 2- Don't listen to her!

Max- Fang, don't you believe me?!

Fang- -gulps- -looks back and forth- Ummmm....

Max and Max 2- FANG!!!

Fang- Angel! I need help!

3. Maximum Ride Book Editor: Max 2- -writing- And then, Max died slowly. And painfully. Max 2 stood over her twitching body and laughed at her-

J.P.- Ummm....That's not exactly how I wanted it...

Max 2- Hey! I'm the editor, and I say this is what it needs to say!

J.P.- I'm getting a new editor...

4. Member of the Flock: Why? Here's why!

Scientist- Which one of you is Maximum Ride?

Max- I'm Maximum!

Max 2- I'm Maximum!

Max- Uhhhh....

Angel- I'm Maximum!

Max and Max 2- -stares-

Iggy- I'm Maximum!

Gazzy- I'm Maximum!

Nudge- I'm Maximum!

Fang- I'm Sparticus!

Everyone- -stares-

Fang- -shrugs- I wanted to be non-conformist...

5. Border's Worker: Max 2- Did you find what you were looking for?

Customer 1- Yeah....Hey, aren't you Maximum Ride?

Max 2- Nope.

Customer 2- Hey, you look like Maximum Ride!

Max 2- Just look like her...

Customer 3- Hey, where's Fang?

Max 2- No clue. Move along.

Customer 4- Hey, aren't you-

Max 2- I'm not Max.

Customer 5- Hey-


Customer 5- -whimpers- I just wanted to know where the bathroom was....

6. Fanfiction Writer: Same reason as editor.

Max 2- -typing- And the Avian Flu finally killed Maximum Ride, so-

Saint- Hey! What are you doing with my laptop?!?!

Max 2- Uh-oh -runs-

7. Max-Dan-Wiz Moderator: She would ban everyone who thought Max was cool. Then, she'd ban Max. Ironic, isn't it?

8. Scientist: Max could experiment on herself!

9. Iggy's Girlfriend: Iggy and Max 2- -making out-

Fang- Max!! What are you doing?!?!

Iggy- Fang, this isn't-

Fang- I can't believe this! I thought you loved me!

Max 2- Fang, I'm not-

Fang- I can't believe you're tearing us apart like this! I'm having your child!

Max 2- Uhhh....Fang, that's not-

Iggy- FANG! How irresponsible! And after what happened with Justin!

Max 2- Justin?

Fang- I can't live like this!! -runs away-

Iggy- Fang, get back here! -follows-

Max- -walks in- What's going on?

Max 2- No clue....

10. Max's Sister: Maximum Ride meets The Parent Trap minus Lindsey Lohan. Hmmm...That sounds like a Fanfiction idea! Max and Max 2 switch places and-

Fang- Saint, don't you have enough Fanfictions to write?

Saint- Never, Sparticus!

Max- I don't know, sounds like a good idea.

Max 2- Agreed.

Fang- Hey, Max!......And Max.

Max and Max 2- Hi, Fang!

Fang- Ummmm......

Saint- Poor guy......

Soldier: -runs in- Your Majesty! The orcs are marching towards Minas Tirith!

Aragorn: -stands- -raises arms- Get ready for war!

Me: -covers nose- We will....just put your arms down!

Aragorn: -grumbles- -puts arms down-

Me: Ok, someone get me some hot water! I've got packets of jello! And cheesy grits! Come on, we've got a war to fight!

Fang: ....Saint, you realize that makes no sense, right?

Me: Never doubt the power of jello and cheesy grits!

Fang: What the heck are cheesy grits?!?!?!

15. What's Up, Doc?

-on the battlefield-

Me: DIE, ORCS!!! -is slashing orcs with sword- -riding horse-

Aragorn: -yelling to army- CHARGE!!!!


Fang: -is hiding behind me on back of horse- -mutters- Whatever that means...

Me: What, Fang?

Fang: Can I go?

Me: No! You must help with the battle! Use the bow and the arrows I gave you!

Fang: I don't know how!

Me: Figure it out! -sees orcs- CAELA IE'LLE, SAURAREA!!!!! -brutally murders-

Fang: Damn elvish....-watches brutal murders- Scary....

Spiffy: -calls out- The Jello Catapult is ready!!!!

Me: We need to get out of the way...

Fang: Out of the way of jello?

Me: Trust me. You don't mess with the Jello.

Fang: -rolls eyes- Sure...

Dr. Martinez Should Stick to Being a Vet...

1. Nutritionist: Chocolate Chip cookies are not nutritious...

2. Mr. Chu's Assistant: I don't think they get along very well...

3. Truck Driver: Dr. M: This truck is polluting the air!

Truck Driver Boss: Uhh....So?

Dr. M: Don't you care?

Boss: Let me

4. Meat Factory Worker: Yeah, let's go from saving animal's lives to packing them in plastic. Doubtful.

5. Jeb's Wife: This is temporary until I decide if we can officially trust Jeb again. Personally, I think that John Abate guy's going after her...

6. Professional Cookie Baker: And Max's weight suddenly skyrockets...

7. Stripper: .......

8. Dog Whisperer: Dr. M: -whispers something to Total-

Total: Uhhh...What are you doing?

Dr. M: I'm a dog whisperer! I'm whispering to you!

Total: Ok.....And now we know where Max'sd insanity gene comes from...

9. The Voice: Dr. M: -as the voice- You need to go to Africa...Right after you clean your room! You and Ella left a mess in there!

Max: Mom?

Dr. M: Yes?

Max: Put Jeb back on.

Saved this one for last....

10: Fang's Girlfriend: Sorry, HappiZebra, but no. Just no.

....This is all I can think.

Max's mom has got it goin' on
She's all I want and I've waited for so long
Max, can't you see you're just not the girl for me
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Max's mom

Fang: Um?

Me: -lol-

-on the battlefield, all orcs incapitated by Jello-

Fang: Jello is dangerous...

Me: Told ya!

Legolas: -walks up- My lady, the King has asked that you accompany him on a trip to the gates of Mordor. Do you accept?

Me: Sure!

Legolas: Now, I'm sure you will need a guard...

Me: Yeah! -turns to Fang- Fang, you're my guard.

Legolas: But he doesn't know what he's doing!

Me: He'll be fine.

Legolas: -sarcastically- Oh, I'm sure....

Fang: Hey, I can handle myself!

Legolas: Auta miqula orqu.

Fang: Uhhh....-whispers- Saint? Some cool elvish reply?

Me: -whispers some stuff-

Fang: Uhh...-deep breath- Amin feuya ten' lle, usquener. Lasta lalaithamin! Saint naa a'maelamin!

Legolas: WHAT?!?!

Fang: -shrugs- I don't know what. Saint told me to say it.

Legolas: Saint, is this true?

Me: I'll say it is and continue to live in my happy fantasy world.

Legolas: You will die for this, Fang. -stalks off-

Fang: What did I say to him?

Me: Nothin'....

Translations Again!

Gurth goth rim lye: Death to our foes

Caela ie'lle: Have at thee!

Saurarea: Foul ones

Auta miqula orqu: Go kiss an orc

Amin feuya ten' lle: You disgust me

usquener: Smelly one

Lasta lalaithamin: Listen to my laughter!

Saint naa a'maelamin!: Saint is my beloved! (Fang's gonna kill me.....Unless Legolas gets him first. Don't you love happy fantasy worlds where you can get hot fictional guys to fight over you?)

16. He Makes Fang Look Megally Emotional

-at the Gates of Mordor-

Aragorn: -yelling- Sauron!!! We have come!

Gimli: -muttering- Trust me, he knows....He can smell you...

Aragorn: What was that, Gimli?

Gimli: I was saying, uhhh...He's probably ignoring us.

Aragorn: That's totally unacceptable! He can't do that!

Legolas: Obviously, he can.

Aragorn: How do we get his attention?

Gimli: We could try and drop something in Mount Doom again. That worked last time.

Legolas: -evil grin- Yes, Fang? Would you fly over Mount Doom over there and drop yourself in?

Fang: Actually, I was thinking we could hand you over to him, Legolas. I hear he's a Britney Spears fan. Bet we could pass you off as her.

Legolas: Why don't you-

Me: Ok! This is beginning to sound like a Middle Earthen version of my Double Date story! Let me handle this! -walks up to gate of Mordor-

Legolas: Saint! Come back!

Fang: Oh, don't bother. She'll just walk over there anyway.

Me: -looks around gate- Ah! There it is! -rings doorbell-

Fang: Let me get this straight. The Middle Earthen Lord of All Evil has a doorbell on his gate?

Aragorn: -shrugs- He must've installed it after the War of the Ring.

-man appears at top of gate-

Guard: -in French accent- Hello!

Me: Hello! I need to speak to Sauron!

Guard: Well, he can't talk to you right now! He's very busy!

Me: Oh, I think he can make time...

Guard: No! Now go away, before I blow my nose at you, you child of a silly person!

Me: Look, you French Taunter, I'm not here to retrieve Monty Python's Holy Grail, I'm here to speak to Sauron! You tell him Saint is here to talk!

Guard: Fine...I'll go get him....

Omega is Omegally Bad at These Jobs:

1. School Counselor: This requires an understanding of emotions, of which Omega doesn't have.

2. Hunter: Sure, he has all kinds of strength and super-human reflexes, but if the animal is moving too fast, he may have trouble tracking it...

3. Edward in 'Twilight': First of all, wrong body type. Second, he can't feel love or any other emotion, so can't act it. Third, it'd give Robert Pattinson some free time, which means he might come after a certain part in Maximum Ride....-cough- Fang -cough-

4. Comedian: Someone with no sense of humor cannot tell jokes.

5. Movie/Book/Etc. Critic: Head Critic- So, Omega, what did you think of the movie?

Omega- It was unrealistic. There is no way a person of 125 pounds can move a wall with those measurements. The ratio of- -goes into boring technical talk-

Head Critic- -falls asleep-

6. Vampire: Trust me, he's strong enough...

7. Poker Player: It's just unfair. He'd probably have the best Poker face ever...

8. Max's Boyfriend: I mean, Fang may not show emotion, but at least he has emotion.

9. Sports Referee: Coach- Did you see what happened?

Omega- They were moving too fast...

Coach- WTF?

10. Fang's New 'Toy': Fang- Hey, Omega! So, you're the guy who thinks you're better than Max, right?

Omega- Of course.

Fang- Ok....How many fingers am I holding up? -waves hand madly in front of Omega's face-

Omega- -trying to track hand- Uhhh....

Fang- -smacks Omega in face- You lose!

Omega- I will defeat you.

Fang- Ok, I'll fight you arm wrestling contest! Grab my hand! -waves hand madly in face-

Omega- -trying to track again-

Fang- -punches Omega- You lose!

Max- -sighs- Fang, stop torturing Omega.

Fang- Never! Omega, how many fingers? -waves hand madly in face again-

Omega- I hate my life.

Iggy- Heck, try being blind and having him ask you that.

Omega- Point.

Iggy- If you want, we could tag team him.

Omega- Ok.


-Fang is tied to chair-

Omega- Fang, how many fingers? -waves hand in face-

Fang: Oh, shut up.

Omega- -slaps Fang- You lose!

Iggy- -lol-

-Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Fang and I are playing cards-

Gimli: Got any threes?

Me: Go Fish.

Gimli: Damn, not again!

-Gates of Mordor open-

Me: Finally!

Aragorn: -jumps up- Sauron! We have come to speak with you!'

Sauron: I know. I could smell you.

Aragorn: What?

Sauron: Nevermind...Saint, you wished to speak to me?

Me: Yeppers.

Aragorn: How come you'll speak to her and not me????

Sauron: First of all, she's a lady, and everyone knows ladies go first. Second, you smell.

Aragorn: Do not!

Sauron, Legolas, Gimli, Fang, the rest of the army, and I: YES, YOU DO!

Aragorn: -finds a corner to pout in-

Me: Sauron, why are you starting another war? I thought we resolved our problems after the last one! Remember, you and the other Middle Earthen leaders had that meeting at my center...

Sauron: Well, you see, it's not anything personal. It's just my Cousin Hades...He's asked me to help him. He's lost his Helm.

Me: Again?!

Sauron: -nods-

Me: -sigh- Alright, I guess I'll have to have a talk with the Emo Guy Downstairs....C'mon, Fang!

Fang: What? We're leaving?

Me: Yep. We're going to the Underworld!

Fang: I can't believe you said that so cheerfully...

Me: See ya later, Middle Earthen peeps! And Sauron, hold off on the War stuff for awhile, ok?

Sauron: Ok....

Legolas: But you can't leave!

Me: Sorry, Legs, but I've gotta fix this. You know how it is.

Legolas: B-but...

Me: I'll be back in time for your birthday, ok?

Legolas: Fine....

Me: Tenna' ento lye omenta, suckas!! -grabs Fang and disappears-

Gimli: She really is quite a strange lady, isn't she?

Legolas: I'd say 'fascinating'.

Gimli: Oh, give up. She has a thing for the bird-kid.

Legolas: Hey, do you think bird-kids taste like chicken?

Aragorn: -buts in- Do you guys really think I smell?

Legolas and Gimli: -nod-

Aragorn: You're not my best friends anymore! -stalks off-

Legolas and Gimli: -shrug-

17. Antarctic Puppy Love

-Fang and I are standing outside a building-

Fang: Saint, you said we were going to Hades. But this place looks more like...

Me: Los Angeles?

Fang: ...Yeah.

Me: Then we're in the right place!

Fang: Huh?

Me: Read the sign on the building!

Fang: Ok...-reads sign-


Fang: Ok....

Me: Let's go! -walks in-

Fang: Why do I have a bad feeling about this? -follows-


Fang: -looks around- Saint, why are the people so....transparent?

Me: They're dead! Duh! -walks up to security desk- Hey, Charon, what's up?

Charon: Ehh...The usual.

Me: Still working on that raise, huh?

Charon: -grunts- So, I suppose you want to go to the Underworld, huh?

Me: That's usually why I come here...

Charon: -sighs- We've been over this, Saint. You have to be dead to go to the Underworld.

Me: Oh, but I am! Ummm.....That guy dropped me in mid-flight! -points to Fang-

Fang: What?!

Charon: Oh, really? Then how did he get here?

Fang: Uhhh....I read Saint's Figgy fic and committed suicide?

Charon: Right.....Try again.

Me: Fang and I were murdered by flesh-eating nargles?

Charon: Like I even know what a nargle is....

Fang: We were both struck by lightening?

Charon: I can call up Zeus to check on that, you know.

Me: Max found out about mine and Fang's love affair and murdered us both?

Charon: You agree with that, boy?

Me: -glares at Fang-

Fang:....Hey! I see dead people! -walks away-

Me: -facepalm-

Akila Should Stick to Antarctic Rescue Dog:

1. Leader of the Flock: Flock- What should we do?

Akila- Woof!

Flock- Where should we go?

Akila- Woof!

Flock- ...What are you saying?

Akila- Woof!

Fang- That was kind of a 'duh' moment...

2. Fang's Girlfriend: Ok, I'm very open to different pairings, but there are some places that even I won't go...

3. Therapy Dog: Fang- Hey, Akila, Max needs therapy. Can you help with that?

Akila- -jumps on Max- -crushes-

Fang- ...I guess that helped...

4. Singer: Akila- -howls loudly-

People- -cover ears- -scream- -run away-

Flock- -flies away-

Fang- -has earplugs in- Ahhhh....Peace and quiet....

5. Writer: Requires the ability to either hold a pencil or type. Paws don't do that well....

6. Model: Total may see this as possible, but the rest of us? Not so much...

7. Surgeon: Heh heh...No.

8. Guardian of Hades: Can't put Cerberus out of a job...Oh, idea!

9. Cerberus's Girlfriend: Poor Total....It'd be three against one...

10. Ella's Attack Dog For Her Evil Plans With the U.D.:

-as continued from Ch. 12-

Ella- Akila! Guard the door! I think the School's here to try to steal the Flock from me again!

Akila- -bows- -trots off-

Fang- Question. Do we want to stay with Ella or get taken by the School?

Flock- -shrugs-

Max- Don't think it matters...

Fang- Hey, Iggy the Almighty Traitor! You wanna help us out?

Iggy- In a minute! I'm getting to know my new maid, Tiffany!

Flock- -facepalm-

U.D.- -still weeping in corner- I can't even be emo and cut myself!

Ella- And that's why you epic fail!

U.D.- -sniffles-

Charon: You guys want to just give up and leave already? I'm a busy man!

Me: -mutters- Yeah, right...

Charon: Go, before I have security take you out.

Fang: Hey! Someone left behind their Armani suit! -points-

Charon: Where? -looks-

Fang: -grabs me- -runs past-

Me: Nice tactic.

Fang: Hey, I'm not completely useless.

-boat ahead-

Fang: What's that?

Me: A boat to the Underworld! Onward!

Fang: There goes that bad feeling again...


18. Chewie!

-standing in Hades-

Fang: So....Now what?

Me: We go that way!! -points-

Fang: Is it just me, or does that sign say EZ DEATH?

Me: Yep!

Fang: I knew I didn't like this plan...

Me: To Asphodel Fields! -walks off purposfully-

Fang: Great...-follows miserably-

Me: Fang, look! Puppy!

Fang: -looks- Oh, dear God!

Cerberus: Woof! Woof! Woof!

Fang: Saint...I think we should...Go...Somewhere....

Me: Nonsense! Cerberus is a good boy! -baby talk- Are you a good boy, Cerberus? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Cerberus: -hangs tounges out-

Me: -pulls out red rubber ball- Ready, Cerbie? Huh? Huh? -throws ball- Go get it!

Cerberus: -goes to get ball-

Me: -grabs Fang- Let's go!

Fang: -sighs- She just played fetch with the Dog of Doom....

Mr. Chu Does Not Have The Ability To...

1. Play Chewbacca: Just because the names are similar, does not make him cute, fuzzy, and dangerous.

2. SeaWorld Worker: You see what he did to the fishies? Don't think Shamu would like that...

3. Pet Store Aquarium Worker: Ditto from above.

4. P.E.T.A. Member: P.E.T.A.- Save the sea kittens!! (It's what they call fish. Seriously, look it up.)

Mr. Chu- Yeah....-is checking company stocks- After my stocks go up, we'll save them...

5. Max-Dan-Wiz Moderator: Frankly, ever since nathan_p's recent banning, I don't think anyone should have this job, but that's just a matter of opinion...

6. Peace Activist: He just doesn't send off the whole 'peace' vibe...

7. Ninja: This image makes me laugh...

8. Max's New Best Friend: Mr. Chu- Let's go out for ice cream!

Max- Excuse me, you kidnapped my Mom and now you want to go for ice cream with me? I don't think so...

Mr. Chu- We go for ice cream! Get her!

M-Geeks- -get her-

Mr. Chu- Now you will be a good friend and get ice cream with me!

Max- I don't think you're getting the whole 'friend' thing...

9. Jedi Knight: -laughs hysterically-

10. Evil Ella's Fish Tank Cleaner:

-continued from last chapter- (This is like another series within a series...)

Ella- Chewie! Why are all my fish dead?!

Mr. Chu- Don't call me that!

Ella- Answer my question!!!

Mr. Chu- Take back the 'Chewie' thing first!

Iggy- Could you guys tone it down? I'm trying to tell Tiffany my life story!

Ella- Shut up! So, Chewie...Where'd he go?

Mr. Chu- -has escaped out back- Crazy evil girl...Ha ha, killed fishes!!!

U.D.- The poor fishies! -cries-

Ella- Oh, stop blubbering!

U.D.- But...Fishies....Hey! He didn't clean my tanks! No one loves me! -sobs-

Iggy- Dude has issues....

-in Hades throne room-

Me: So, where did you last see the Helm?

Hades: It was right here! Wasn't it Persephone, dear?

Persephone: -nods-

Me: Hmmmm...Any strange visitors?

Fang: You know, besides the dead ones.

Me: -whacks Fang-

Hades: Well, there was that Peter fellow...

Persephone: Percy.

Hades: Whatever. But that was a while ago...

Persephone: There was that man with the sword he called a 'light saber'...

Me: Ah-ha! A Jedi! Don't worry, Hades, we shall be back with your helm in no time! Come, Fang!

Fang: -sigh- Where now?

Me: Outer space!

Fang: Ummm....I'd rather not-

Me and Fang: -disappear-

Persephone: What strange humans...

Hades: Yeah...You should see how the girl handles Cerberus...


19. Jeb's Boyfriend Vhat?

I dedicate this chapter to Vera_Amber. I was gonna just skip updating this for a while, but her persistence in telling me to update it inspired another chapter out of me. -sigh-

-on a spaceship in the middle of Bloody Nowhere, The Universe-

Me: Dun DUN! Dun dun dun DUN dun! Dun dun dun DUN dun! Dun dun dun dun!!

Fang: What are you doing?

Me: Singing the theme song! Duh!

Fang: Ok...

Spiffy: -is flying spaceship- We are aproaching the Planet Naboo, my lady!

Pooky: -helping with the whole 'spaceship-flying' thing- Prepare to land?

Me: Yes, and please try not to be too noticable. We are flying a hot ship, after all.

Fang: What do you mean 'a hot ship'?

Me: I kinda borrowed it...

Fang: You stole a ship.

Me: No! Well, kinda...Yeah...I was gonna return it!

Fang: -headdesk- Great. I'm riding inside stolen merchandise...

Me: I'm sure old Solo won't mind...

Fang: Let me get this straight....WE'RE IN THE MILLENIUM FALCON?!

Me: Yep!

Fang: We're dead.

Ten Fings Roland ter Borcht Vould Epically Fail At:

1. Customer Support: Why must Customer Support people always have the worst accents known to man?

2. Subway Worker: Being one of these myself, now, I came up with one good reason Roland can't do this job:

Roland: Velcome to Subvay! Vhat can I make for you? Today, ve haff Vheat Bread today! Vhat kind ov sandvich vould you like? What kind ov cheese vould you like? Vould you like veggies? Vould you like to make it a meal?

Customer: I'll just....Go to McDonald's....

3. Girls Gone Wild Video Star: Heh heh heh....Awkward mental picture...

4. English Teacher: Do I need to explain this one?

5. Fang's Babysitter: Roland: Time vor bed, useless mutant!

Fang: Right....-keeps watcing tv-

Roland: -turns tv off- No more tv vor you! You vill go to the bedroom right now!

Fang: I'm sorry, I don't speak Stupid. Could you say that again in English?


Fang: And you 'vill' shut up before I punch your face in...

6. Max's Boyfriend: There's a pairing you never see...

7. Ice Cream Man: Roland: Vhat vould you like today? Ve haff ice cream sandviches!

Angel: The ice cream man is creepy...

Max: Don't worry, Angel, he's just a washed-up former mad scientist...

Iggy: Did he just say 'sand bitches'?

Fang: No, 'sandviches',

Iggy: Oh....I thought he had beach bunnies...

Fang: -facepalm-

8. My Dad's New Best Friend: Yes, let's stick the most ignorant man I know with the man with the most annoying accent known to mankind together. I bet if I was sent to Tartarus in Hades, that's what I'd be punished with...

9. American Idol Judge: Roland: And vhat is so special about you that you should ve the next American Idol?

Fang: First off, I'm actually American and I speak like it. Second, besides my fasion sense, I play a mean harmonica.

Simon: Who the hell cares? Can you sing?

Fang; Read Saint's 'Song of Adoration' fic? Yeah, I can sing.

Simon: I'll let him through.

Roland: But he iz a mutant hybrid!

Simon: Is he an American human hybrid?

Roland: I guess so, but-

Simon: He's in. And you're out. Security!

Fang: Ha.

10. Ella's Foreign Affairs Executive: -in Ella's Evil lair-

Roland: We haff successfully planted spies in every country except Australia. Somevun named 'Bell' is organizing a resistance because she vants Iggy back.

Ella: Well, that's close enough.

U.D.: Close enough is not good enough!

Ella: Shut up! Your mother doesn't love you!

U.D.: -cries-

Iggy: Why don't you guys stop picking on the U.D.? I actually kind of feel sorry for him!

Roland: He iz a useless failure!

Iggy: Well, so are you! You randomly fell in the plothole halfway through book 3!

Roland: -sniffs- Vhy must you be so cruel? I never even got to say goodvye to Jebby! -cries-

Iggy: Alrighty then....

Ella: -headdesk- I'm surrounded by idiots....

Roland: He vas such a beautivul man....

Ella: Gay idiots...

Iggy: Hey!

-parked on the planet Naboo-

Space Cop: You realize, Miss St. Fang of Boredom, I'd be writing you a ticket up right now if I didn't owe you one for that back-up you gave me back during the war?

Me: Yeah, yeah....And you realize we wouldn't be having this conversation if the damn hyperdrive on this thing actually worked when I wanted it to?

Fang: -muttering- Please, just arrest her....It'd make everyone's life easier...

Yoda: Going on, is what? Hmmm?

Me: Yoda! What's up with my favorite little green dude? How's the force?

Yoda: Fine, the force is. Up, the sky is. What is up with you, is what I am wondering.

Me: Oh, I just got stopped for flying a stolen ship....But it was for a good cause! I'm trying to find Hades' lost helm to stop a war in Middle Earth, and I have reason to believe a Jedi may have it.

Yoda: A helm is for what you search? Have it, a Jedi may? Hmmm...Yes! A new Jedi, we have. Lenny, his name is.

Fang: Jedi Knight Lenny?

Me: -kicks Fang-

Yoda: Went to a foreign land, he did. Tortall it was called.

Me: Tortall!! Gosh, I have seen King Johnny in years!

Fang: Who?

Me: Thanks Yoda! May the force be with you.

Fang: Yeah, you have fun with all your....forceness.

Me: Come, Fang! -grabs Fang and disapears into oblivion-

Space Cop: Great....Now what do I do with this stupid spaceship?

Yoda: -shrugs- Take it for joy ride, we could. Having a special on pancakes, IHOP is.

Space Cop: Mmmm....pancakes....

20. Sam I Am

-in Tortall-

Fang: We're lost, aren't we?

Me: We are not lost!

Spiffy: We could ask for directions...

Me: Psh. Directions are for shmucks!

Pooky: We're screwed.

Fang: Yep. We're going to wander around in the middle of a random woods for the rest of our lives...

Me: Fine! You want me to ask for directions?! I'll ask for them! -turns to random deer- Yo, I need directions to King Jonathan's castle.

Fang: Saint, it's a deer! It can't speak!

Deer: -turns into a girl-

Fang: ...Or, once again, I'm going to be surprised...

Daine: It's that way. -points- Just at the end of the forest.

Me: Thanks! -walks off-

Fang: And I thought I was close to my 'wild side' with the wings...

I Do Not Want to Employ Sam, I Will Not Employ Sam I Am...

1. Max's Boyfriend: Been there, done that, ran the boy down.

2. Fang's Boyfriend: Now there's a new pairing for ya. Fam. I refuse to use 'Sang', as that is a Saint/Fang combo...Oh, this one needs a scenario...

Sam- Max, I have a confession to make.

Max- What is it?

Sam- I'm sorry, I was just using you...To get closer to someone else in your family.

Max- o_0 Who? Nu- I mean, Tiffany-Krystal?

Sam- No. -dreamy look- Nick! He's just so...Perfect!

Max- o_0...I was used to all the girls liking Fang, but this?

3. Ice Cream Shop Worker: Girl- I'd like a small vanilla ice cream.

Sam- Oh, come on! You can eat more ice cream than that! Here, get a large.

Girl- But I-

Sam- A Banana Split! Four scoops!

Girl- But-

Sam- And all the toppings! How about that?

Girl- But I'm getting it for my dog!

Sam- ...

4. Eraser: I'm sorry, I don't care if Max thought he looked Eraser-ish, he just always seemed too wimpy to be an Eraser to me. Too normal...

5. Green Eggs and Ham Salesman: Sam- Yo, Nick!

Fang- What?

Sam- Would you like green eggs and ham?

Fang- ...Huh?

Sam- Would you like green eggs and ham?!

Fang- Uhhh...No.

Sam- Would you like them in a box?

Fang- I don't want them!

Sam- Would you like them with a fox?

Fang- What? Dude, I don't want your damn discolored food!

Sam- Would you like them here or there?

Fang- Where or where?!

Sam- Would you like them anywhere?

Fang- NO!

Sam- Ok.

Fang: Phew...

Sam- Would you like them on a train?

Fang- -headdesk-

6. Pimp: Sam the Pimp. It just doesn't work....Sammy P? Eh...

7. Nutritionist: Telling all the girls that they need to eat more ice cream is not helpful.

8. Frodo's Gardner: Frodo- Sam!

Sam- -walks in- Yes, Frodo?

Frodo- I...Sam? You got...Taller.

Sam- Yeah, had a, uh, growth spurt.

Frodo- And you look different.

Sam- Plastic surgery.

Frodo- What?

Sam- Nevermind. What do you need, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo- I...Don't think I have the right Sam.

Sam- Of course you do!

Frodo- Uh...-runs- Bilbo! There's a strange man in the house!


Sam- -is tied up in the shed- Well, at least I finally have some rope....

9. Mad Scientist: If he's too wimpy to be an Eraser, he's no mad scientist...

10. Ella's Personal Gatekeeper:

In this installment of the Evil Ella series...

Ella- Sam!!!

Sam- Yes, Ella?

Ella- Why did you let those strippers in?! -points to strippers in corner-

Sam- They told me they had been ordered from here.

Ella- Who would order them from here? Wait....IGGY!!!

Iggy- -grins-

Jonathan: Numair, where's Daine today? Isn't she with you?

Numair: I believe she's out in the woods today, meeting with some of the animals she knows.

Me: -walks in- Not to mention some lost travellers!

Jonathan: Oh, no...

Me: Oh, yes, Johnny!

Numair: You know this strange girl?

Jonathan: Unfortunately...

Me: Let's just say, I've helped him out with some battles...

Fang: So, you've needlessly interfered here, too.

Me: -kicks Fang-

Jonathan: Alright, what is it that you want?

Me: I'm looking for a helm.

Numair: A helm.

Me: Yes, a very big, very dark, very dangerous helm.

Jonathan: A man carrying such a helm came through here recently.

Numair: Yes, but the a strange fat man in a flying sleigh came and took it from him, accusing him of being on his 'Naughty List'.

Me: Oh, really....

Fang: Please, don't let her say what I think she's gonna say...

Me: We're going to the North Pole! Come on, Fang!

Fang: I'm think I'm getting sick from all this time-space travel...

Me, Fang, and the silent Spiffy and Pooky: -disappear-

Numair: That was...

Jonathan: Strange? I know.

Numair: What did she do for you, exactly?

Jonathan: Let's just say it involved a very awkward situation with a dragon...

21. Directing You To the Unemployment Line

Dedication To:

Vera Amber, who helped come up with some of the ideas for the jobs.

-at North Pole-

Me: The North Pole! Isn't it beautiful?

Pooky: It's wonderful! -rolls in snow-

Spiffy: So glad I brought my jacket! -pulls on jacket-

Fang: S-S-Saint...

Me: What, Fang?

Fang: It's c-c-cold...

Me: Oh, suck it up. Now, which way do we go in this Winter Wonderland?

Spiffy: We could ask that reindeer for directions!

Pooky: Or the magical snowman!

Me: No way! Directions are for shmucks!

Fang: Not th-th-this again....

If She Can't Direct Itex, The Director Certainly Can't Direct Any of These Jobs...

1. Max's Mom: She already epic failed there...And the jo's taken.

2. Farmer: Director- There's too many cows on this farm! I'll just destroy half of them to make room! By-Half Cows! Mwahahaha!!! Ooo...I wonder if I can genetically enhance them to milk more?

3. College Professor: Director- So, class, now, as you can see, the world would be much better if we just killed off half of these useless people! I mean, I'm sure you guys don't need your old, sick grandparents around anyway, right?

Class- o_0 -cricket noises-

4. Fang's Sex Toy: I'll just let all of you think about this one. I don't think it needs explanation.

5. Sprinter: Because Tortoises don't sprint.

6. Waitress: Customer- This food was really good, miss. What was in it, anyway?

Director- Special of the house, sir. It's called 'What We Did With The Mutants We Got Rid Of'.

Customer- Ok....

7. Stripper: Goes along with number 4. Just no.

8. Gymnastics Coach: Director- Ok, for warm-ups, you are all to race to the end of the field outside, run back, then, to exercise your brain muscles, we're going to figure the exact dimensions of the building. After that, we'll start practicing doing backflips all the way back down the field and cartwheels back up the field. And I'll have some of you more advanced students jumping off of the building and onto this mat I've placed below it. Good?

Students: o_0

9. Cheerleader: Director- Give me an I! Give me a T! Give me an E! Give me an X! What does that spell?

Fang: Hell on Earth!

Director- No, Itex!

Fang- -shrugs- Same thing...

10. Justice of the Peace at Iggy and Ella's Wedding:

This time, on the Evil Ella series:

Director- We are gathered here today-

Iggy- Ella, is this really necessary?

Ella- If it stops you from bringing strippers into my home, it is.

Director- Do you, Iggy, take Ella, to love, to hold, and to destroy the world with?

Iggy- Err...Yeah, sure, and I don't think so.

Director- Ella, do you take Iggy to love and cherish, as soon as you help me kill off half the world population?

Ella- Yes! Mwahahaha!!!

Director- I now pronounce you-

Sam- -runs in- -whispers something to Director-

Director- It seems that you guys can't get married.

Ella- What?! Why?!

Director- Some girl in Australia named Rain's claiming that she's already married to Iggy.

Ella- Iggy? Is this true?

Iggy- Uh...

Ella- -facepalm-

-at Santa's house-

Santa: I'm glad I found you guys out there.

Spiffy: Yeah, we were really lost.

Pooky: And I don't think Fang would've made it.

Me: -comes in, shuffling, with Fang under cloak with me- You warmed up yet, Fangles?

Fang: A little...-shivers-

Santa: So, Pooky told me you were looking for this. -pulls out helm-

Me: Yes!

Santa: I was going to deliver it to Hades for Christmas, but maybe you'd like to deliver it to him?

Me: I'd be delighted. -takes helm- Pooky, Spiffy, and Fang? To the flying sleigh!

Fang: But...Warm fire...Why me?

22. Dill Weed

-flying in a sleigh-

Me: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle-!

Fang: SAINT! For crying out loud, can we stop with the Christmas songs?!

Spiffy: Cranky much?

Fang: -flips off-

Spiffy: Hey!

Me: Boys, I will turn this sleigh around...

Fang: NO!

Pooky: But...I'd like to go back...

Me: Hey! You know what we're flying over?!

Fang: Dare I ask? ...What?


Fang: Scintillating...

Me: Oh! We are landing right....-points- There!

Fang: Why?! We need to deliver a helm, remember?

Me: Quick pit stop. Trust me...

Fang: Last thing I'll probably ever do...

Jobs Dill Weed Needs To Stay Clear Of:

1. Max's Boyfriend: Sorry to sound like a typical squeefan here, but...SCREW YOU, DILL WEED! I'LL TAKE FAX OVER MYLAN, YOU GARY-STU, JUSTIN BIEBER WANNABE!!

2. Flock Leader: The guy can barely fly, please. Plus, he's too busy follwing Max around...

3. Doctor: Don't let the little emo near the needles...

4. Psychiatrist: Patient- I just feel like I'm burdening my family.

Dylan- Why don't you just leave?

Patient- What?

Dylan- Just leave. You're a burden and a danger, so get out.

Patient- ...This is the same thing you told Fang.

Dylan- You bet. That'll be 200 dollars. Cash, credit, or check?

5. Any Leadership Position: Ever notice he spent the entire 6th book following someone else around? Dr. G-H, Jeb, Max, Angel...I don't think he has leadership ability. That's probably the point, though. Better match for leader Max. Supposedly.

...Jeez, he let himself be led around by a psychotic 7-year-old...

6. Fang's New Playmate: Max- Fang...Where's Dylan?

Fang- Oh, we were playing Cowboys and Indians...

Max- Yeah, but where is he?

Fang- Well, he refused to leave Louisiana after its purchase, so... -cleans knife- He had to suffer consequences...

Max- ...You got 'Does not play well with others' on The School report card, didn't you?

7. Disney and/or Tween Star: Dear Lord in Heaven...I'm surprised Disney hasn't tried to buy him yet...

8. A Vampire: Like we need the MR version of Edward...

9. Blackbelt in Karate: Because it just wouldn't be fair...Yes, Dill Pickle, I'm giving you props for something. Be happy, it won't last.

10. Iggy and Ella's Adoptive Son: (Thanks for the idea, Vera. Yes, another shameless ad for ya.)

This week, on Ella's World Domination Station:

Ella- Dylan! You need to clean your room! How am I supposed to destroy the planet when I can smell your crusty gym socks?!

Dylan- Uhh...Destroy the planet with my crusty gym socks?

Ella- That's brilliant! -hugs- You're such an evil son...

Dylan- Uhh...Yeah, sure. Can I go now? -mutters- Creepy person who thinks she's my mom...

Ella- Sure! Have fun! And don't play nice with the other children, destroy them!! -waves-

Dylan- -runs off- Need to find Max and ask her what drugs her sister is taking...

Ella- -sighs- He's so flighty, always running off. I don't know why.

Iggy- -shrugs- Gets it from your side of the family, I'm sure.

Fang: Ok, so...Why are we parked in the woods outside some creepy-looking facility?

Me: We're going to sneak in and find out what they're doing in there.

Fang: -dripping sarcasm- Oh, that sounds just wonderful...

Me: This is, after all, where they created Dylan...

Fang: -perks up- Let's trash the place.

Me: Now that's more like it...


23. Gozenstein

Scientist 1: This is going to be our best project yet!

Scientist 2: Yes! I mean, after what we did with the cloned genes of Justin Bieber, just think what we'll be able to do with the genes of Miley Cyrus!

Test Subject: You guys are nuts! Let me out of here!


Fang: -facepalm- What she said...

Scientist 1: It's another one of those crazy fans! Run!

-Scientists run away-

Fang: Well...

Me: -pulls out Staples Easy Button- -presses- "That was Easy."

Fang: -facepalm- I wished you'd never picked that thing up.

Me: -giggles- -presses button again- "That was Easy."

Fang: Will you give that thing a rest?

Test Subject: Can you guys come get me loose before they come try to turn me into Miley Cyrus again?

Me: Oh, sure I- ...Holy Crud...

Fang: What?


Mack: Crap...


Mack: Double crap.

Me: -begins laughing hysterically- They were going to turn you into Miley Cyrus?

Mack: -sighs- Just come untie me...

Fang: Oh, I'm sure M.G. would've just loved having Hannah Montana for a boyfriend...

Mack: -smashes head on back of chair as an attempt at a headdesk- Please...Untie me...

Fang and I: -laughing hysterically-

Jack Sparrow: -runs by, being chased by scientists, carrying Jar of Dirt- Stay away! I'll throw my dirt at you!

Fang and I: o_0

Mack: Untie me now?

Like Gozen Could Even Fit Through the Doors to Apply for These Jobs...

1. Roller Coaster Operator: You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride...And Have Many More Brains to Operate it.

2. Ballet Dancer: What show would that be? Frankenstein: The Musical?

3. Window Cleaner: Office Worker1- Why does the new window guy keep smashing himself against the windows?

Office Worker 2- Something about "Demonstrating their unbreakableness."

4. Fang's Babysitter: Poor Fuzzles wouldn't survive... (Read 'Gozen and the Feather Kids' if you don't get it.)

5. The Hulk: Just no...

6. The Flock's New Cook: Gozen- -throws bird seed at Flock-

Max- You don't need to literally throw it at us!

Nudge- We don't even eat bird seed!

Fang: Ok, Ig! You win! We'll pay you whatever you want, just get off strike!

Iggy- -evil grin-

7. Cave Troll: Orc 1- What happened to our cave troll?

Orc 2- Well, after he got beat up by those hobbits, he needed therapy, so I got this guy to cover for him!

Gozen- -begins beating up birds randomly-

Orc 1- ...Ok...

8. Underwear Model: Nope, do NOT need that mental image...

9. Subway Worker: We already had to fire one guy for breaking a window...

10. Ella and Iggy's Butler:

In this installment of the Evil Ella series...

Ella- Gozen. Gozen? GOZEN!

Gozen- Coming, Ella.

Iggy- Jeez, he sounds like Lurch from The Addams Family.

Ella- Gozen, I need you to bring my luggage to the airport. I'm meeting with some scientists over in Germany concerning World Domination.

Gozen- -nods- -grabs luggage- -throws through window and into car- Windows need reinforcment.

Ella- -facepalm- Just can't get good help these days...

Iggy- Well, at least he's better than the U.D.

U.D.- -sobs-

Jack Sparrow: -hiding in a broom closet- They'll never find me here...

Me: -opens door-

Jack Sparrow: AHH!

Me: Hey, it's just me! Saint!

Jack Sparrow: Saint? Oh, phew.

Fang: Jeez, you know everyone.

Me: I'm talented like that.

Mack: -motions for us to come over- Hey, check this out!

-all walk over and peek into room-

Fang: Is that Zac Efron floating in an isolation chamber?

Me: And Britney Spears...

Jack Sparrow: And Miley Cyrus.

Mack: And...I think they've got all three Jonas Brothers.

Me: And Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! Oh, man, what kind of sick experiments are they doing here?

Fang: -shakes head- Damn Canadians.

Mack: Hey!

Fang: Heh...Sorry...

Jack Sparrow: We must stop them!

Me: Agreed! Fang! To the Batmobile! -runs off-

Fang: ...We have a Batmobile? -follows-

Jack Sparrow: Come, Jar of Dirt! We are needed! -also follows-

Mack: ...Can you guys give me a ride home? -follows as well-

We interrupt the usual A/N for a special announcement.


Fang: The 'Saint's Sequels Contest'. Write a oneshot based on one of Saint's stories!

Me: Details in my 'Saint's Sequels Contest' Forum and in the newest chapter of the Poetry Corner.

Thank you, that is all.

24. My Man, Jimmy P

-standing at the top of a hill, near the sickest, most evil science facility ever built-

-crowds for miles of beings of all races and species-

Me: Friends! Enemies! Stranger who just showed up randomly! Lend me your ears!

Fang: But not literally, please!

Mr. Potato Head: -puts ear back on-

Me: We are gathered here with one purpose...DESTROY THIS REALM OF EVIL!

Crowd: -cheers wildly-

Me: It's one thing to be evil enough to graft wings on innocent children, teens, and emos. It's another to make horrible Disney Star Clones out of them! This facility must be destroyed once and for all!

King Leonidas: CONQUER!

Hades: Send me some victims!

Santa: Hand me my Naughty List! I need to take notes...


Dumbledore: -tosses wand aside- For this, I'll need a Red Vine!


Aslan: -roars-

Army of Elves: -war chants-

Legolas: I'll show this featherbrain just what a real elf can do...

Gimli: -eyeroll-

Aragorn: -raises arm- DOWN WITH THE FACILITY!

Everyone close by: -passes out-

Aragorn: ...Oops.

Yoda: Defeat them, we must!

Daine: -leads animals in war cry-




Thousands of Others: -yelling and screaming-

Fang: I might go deaf from all this yelling.

Me: At least they're enthusiastic.

Spiffy: What is Matt yelling about?

Pooky: Fang sweeps what?

Me: Don't ask...

-gunmen run to the roof of the facility and threaten to open fire-

Mack: Uhh...Can anyone here stop a speeding bullet?

Fang: I can. Once.

Mack: -facepalm-

Me: -grins- Let 'em at us...TO WAR!

What Better Way to Wrap Up The Job Listings Column But With James Patterson Himself?

1. Writer: I know, he is one, and I'm glad. But sometimes, well, I get worried... -pokes plotholes-

2. Male Stripper: -dies-

3. Mad Scientist: J.P.- Hey...I can graft wings on people for real! -grabs syringe-

Me- -whacks with herring-

4. Professional Housekeeper: If he can't even keep the plots for his own story organized...

5. Babysitter: One of his own characters was kidnapped, and he still hasn't noticed...

6. Global Warming Activist: Like he isn't annoying me enough...

7. Wal-Mart Greeter: J.P.- Hi, welcome to-


Fang- Saint...Get off the nice Wal-Mart Greeter...

Saint- IT'S J.P.!

Fang- Oh...Carry on...

8. A Fanfiction Writer: He must not tarnish our site with his plotholes...

9. Prostitute: Wouldn't even pay him with Monopoly money...

10. Ella's Personal Speech Writer: Today, in the Evil Ella series...

Ella- I can't use this! There are plotholes in my speech! HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET PLOTHOLES IN A SPEECH?

J.P.- They're not plotholes! They're just...Uhh...Suspense!

Iggy- Plotholes in a speech...That's gotta be a new all-time low...

Ella- That's it...Off with his head!

J.P.- You can't destroy me! I created you!

Ella: -eyeroll- Please. I killed off the entire Flock besides Iggy here. Does killing you really matter?

J.P.- o_0 You killed them?

Iggy: It was all bloody and violent with little explosions. So pretty...

J.P.- What happened to you guys? You've lost your minds!

Ella: The Dark Side, Jimmy P, the Dark Side...Now, I order you hereby serve your mortal punishment with...DEATH BY FANGIRL!

J.P.- -falls through trap door in floor-

Fangirls- -hanging around at bottom- -see J.P.- -scream and attack-

Ella- Look at the limbs fly...

Iggy- Heh...Destruction...

-standing in the bloody, charred remains of the battlefield-

Me: Well, that was fun. -wipes off herring-

Fang: ...Whoa...I'm not even sure what happened.

Spiffy: No one is. She put a freaking Job Listing in the middle of it!

Me: SPIFFY! Fourth Wall!

Spiffy: SHOOT! -runs off to fix fourth wall-

Pooky: -follows-

Mack: You guys are...Nuts.

Me: Thank you.

Matt: -runs by carrying brand-new dog kennel.

Me: Aw, that's nice of him. That should be less cramped.

Fang: -facepalm-

Hades: -walks up- Thank you for the return of my Helm, Saint, Fang.

Me: No problem, Hades, my man.

Fang: Yeah, just keep better track of it next time.

Hades: In return for your services, I give you this gift. -hands out ruby slippers-

Fang: ...Sparkly red shoes?

Hades: Tapping them together will bring you home.

Me: Hmmm... -holds up one shoe-

Fang: -holds up the other-

Both: -tap shoes together-

Hades: You know, I didn't mean right no-

-bright, flashing tornado whips around- -sucks up Saint and Fang-

-both get plopped down back at home-

Fang: ...Wow.

Me: Yeah, what a whirlwind.

Fang: After all of that travelling, fighting, and searching...Now what?

Me: ...Wanna go get pizza and wings?

Fang: I'm all for it.


A Final Note

Yes, it's abrupt. Yes, it's sad. But this, my friends, will be the last Job Listings chapter. Why?

1. I've got to much to update and no freaking time.

2. I want to move on to other fics, add some new in, so on.

3. I've practically abandoned it, anyway.

Is this the end of it all? I don't know. I'd like to do more with the Evil Ella series...We'll see.

In the meantime, I must bid you all adieu for now. It's been great fun writing this story but even more awesome to read the reviews and see whose day I could manage to brighten. Thank you for your reviews, people. All of you.

Fang: Now that you're done be sappy...One last post?

Me: Let's post this baby.