Fang's Journal by St. Fang of Boredom

Category:Maximum Ride
Genre:Humor, Parody
Published:2009-09-27 15:19:50
Updated:2012-11-01 19:10:00
Packaged:2021-05-07 02:52:14
Summary:Saint here decided, after a little fight we had, that I deserve my own 'Fanfiction'. She even took the liberty of stealing my journal to make it...Yeah. So, this is excerpts of my journal, rather I like it or not...

Table of Contents

1. Fang's Jingle Bells
2. Thoughts on 'Kidnapping'
3. Total Randomness Yeah
4. Iggy's Gaemo
5. Not Another Learning Experience
6. Awkward Conversations
7. To Crossover Genius, With Love
8. Saint and Fang's Infinite Playlist
9. Of Mice and BirdKids
10. Sick Nonsense
11. Why I'm Up Past 5 am
12. Forbidden Words, Never To Be Uttered
13. The Night Before Christmas
14. Thoughts on the Big Move
15. Chatting With Cleverbot
16. Happy Birthday, Evil Kidnapping Lunatic
17. Happy Birthday to a Damn Floridian
18. Fang on FANG
19. Subway Customer Commandments
20. Pointless Chapter of Random News
21. Rambling With A Cause
22. Late Night Thoughts
23. The Hit List
24. Ready For Us, Orlando?
25. Vera's Visit Through My Eyes
26. Talking to Strangers
27. Stay Off The Roadways
28. Fangles is LOVERLY!
30. Drinking Problems
31. Pottermore?
32. I End With A Beginning

1. Fang's Jingle Bells

Me: Well, this is a first....The fanficton author being a mere commentator on the character's writing...

Fang: Well, you have a thing for 'firsts', Saint...

Me: Yes, yes. So...This is your fic. Tell 'em about it, Fang.

Fang: I don't want to.

Me: Why?

Fang: 'Cause it was still your idea!

Me: No! You were the one who said "You keep posting this crap, and I never even get a say!"

Fang: Yeah, but I didn't mean for you to take my journal and turn it into a Fanfiction!

Me: Why do you have a journal, anyway?

Fang: ....College Comp. teacher's idea....

Me: Awww....Are you embarrassed?

Fang: No and shut up.

Me: Alright....You're still agreeing to do this, though?

Fang: You won't give me a choice...

Me: Then add what needs to be added...

Fang: Not sure how to do this...

Do I Need a Disclaimer? Would J.P. Really Sue Me?: Well, just in case J.P. is that messed up, I....Don't own myself? How screwed-up is that? I don't own the Maximum Ride book franchise, how about that? That makes more sense...

Jingle Bells

Ari smells

Did Max just lay an egg?

This Fanfiction stuff...

When will enough be enough?

I might go insane...



Jingle Bells

I can't tell

Which Iggy is which...

Or who's with who,

Or who's with two

Or who may not exist


Dashing through Saint's house

Looking for escape.

There's no way out in sight.

Especially with Pook' and Spif'.


She writes disturbing things

Figgy, Mylan, and more.

And her friends are just as bad!

Where is the exit door?


Jingle Bells

Jeb means 'Hell'

Iggy's down under

At least, I think

This really stinks

That guy sure gets around...



Jingle Bells

Dylan smells

He's a real Dill Weed.

Wish he'd die

I'd let out a sigh

I'd be down one enemy!


Fanfiction freaks me out

Things happen that scare me

All kinds of strange pairings

And plot bunnies running free!


Don't know where the authors

Get there wacky plots

I think that drugs may be involved

To come up with such strange thoughts!


Jingle Bells

MR sells

J.P. makes more dough

Has he forgotten

Without me

Down the drain MR will go.



Jingle Bells

Oh what the Hell?

This song goes on too long

I better cease

This ongoing piece

Before I become one of 'them'.

Me: It's funny. And catchy.

Fang: Whatever...

Me: Ahhh...And the master writer scoffs at his own work. A sign of one of true talent...

Fang: You sound like our College Comp. teacher.

Me: You think you're the only one that picks stuff up from her?

Fang: Obviously not.

Me: So...Let's go pull other cool stuff out of your journal!

Fang: Saint...Please....

R&R? Well, you don't have to...It's a question, after all. I mean, you probably think it's stupid by now, anyway, and people are just gonna leave me comments aking fun of me....Or flaming me....Or-

Me: Fang. Rule #1. Just say R&R and leave it at that. Goes with Rule #2. Confidence.

Fang: Sure....

2. Thoughts on 'Kidnapping'

Me: Come on, this has to go up, too!

Fang: Hey, it's my story! Don't I get a say?

Me: Sure. When you grow up.

Fang: -headdesk-

Once upon a time, a girl going by the penname 'St. Fang of Boredom' sent the Flock and I to a Manga Convention.

While in the middle of getting us through Manga Hell, she caught a cold.

Through said cold, she was inspired to write a story involving the 'Avian Flu'.

This story became popular, as did she.

She even started writing a Twilight/MR crossover when she couldn't find one she liked herself.

But that wasn't enough.

The Power of Fanfiction was strong with this one, as Yoda would say.

And she used her powers to do something no other author had dared to do.

She summoned up and kidnapped a fictional character.


Well, there's been some debate over if 'kidnapping' is the right word, but that's another story.

So here I am.

And here I've been.

For a year.

Over a year.

I've been through a lot, to say the least.

I got to go to High School.

Be a Senior.

Was part of two plays.

A Teacher's Assistant.

I made friends.

Became part of a family.

Went on trips.

Did a Senior Project.

Learned about dialysis.


Went through Mum's passing.

Got to go to College.

And whole lot of other crapola.

So, I guess being kidnapped wasn't an entire loss.

Learned a lot.

Gained a lot.

So, maybe I don't regret being here all the time.

Some freaking freedom would still be nice, though.

Fang: Don't put that up...It's stupid.

Me: It's honest...I like it.

Fang: It's S-T-U-P-I-D!

Me: It's S-W-E-E-T!!

Fang: Come on, people'll get the idea that I like you or something...

Me: Don't worry, you do enough to contradict that...Come on!

Fang: If I can pick the next chapter/thingy, fine.

Me: Fine!


3. Total Randomness Yeah

Fang: So, this is my choice!

Me: Right. So, choose.

Fang: I shall...

S eriously

A wesome

I n

N othing

T rue


F erocious

A nd

N otoriously

G rrable


O verzealous

F oodies


B eing

O utrageous

R eaps

E xceedingly

D elightful

O fferatories

M inutely


N ow

E xactly

W here


E veryone

N ear the

G reat


A uthoress is

N o one

D educes

Saint's true name I shall reveal!

Saint's true name is....




















What do you think I am? Stupid? She'll kill me! She'll bind me up in a loop and toss me to the minkles and nargles!

S urprising

K iller

Y ogurt

E ater

S cary

A wesome

S ourpuss

H ates

A certain yours truly

When the world gets in my way, I say

Throw it away! Forget yesterday! We'll make

you my Dirty Little Secret! Don't tell anyone or

we're going down, down

on Caroline Street. Stopping any man who

are you? Who who? Who

want sympathy. All they do is piss and moan, inside the

church corridor and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of

this animal I have become!

Me: That was random...

Fang: Still stupid, minus the sappy.

Me: Nice song lyrics...

Fang: Thanks.

Me: And don't you ever give out my name!

Fang: Never...

Me: Ok, let's post so I can post.

Fang: Fine...


4. Iggy's Gaemo

Saint has a headache, so I figured I'd update something for you all to read.

I wrote this after my Twitter conversation with Iggy which caused him to be all depressed and go sit in hs emo corner.

I worry about that guy...

Heck, I worry about me. Iggy'll kill me after he reads this...

If Iggy was gay

That'd be ok!

I mean, 'cause, hey!

I'd pick on him anyway!

Because you see

My friend, Iggy

Is quite fun to pick on and call gay!

(I think he's gay.)

If Iggy was queer.

I'd still be here!

Year after year!

Just to drive him nuts.

And I know that he

Would want to be

Left alone, but I can't be that nice!

(Since he's so gay.)

I'm happy

Just laughing at him

And what does it matter to me

What he does in bed with guys?!

(As long as he's not reading Figgy.)

If Iggy was gay

I'd shout 'hooray!

And here I'd stay

Just to get in his way

Though I guess that'd be

Really quite mean

If Iggy was truly gay

(It's only an assumption.)

Ok, so I'm now off to call Iggy a gaemo (Vera Amber's word for gay emo) on Twitter.

Maybe I'll put something else here, too.

You know, minus Saint, this is kinda fun...


5. Not Another Learning Experience

So, I should be studying for class in the morning...

But Saint still has a headache and I don't feel like studying alone....

I kinda wrote this last night...Yeah....

Here goes nothing...

Things I Learned From...


Maturity is not acting like an adult all the time. Maturity is knowing how and when to act like an adult, but still being able to act like a Kindergartener when need be.


If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. So stand up and do something, damnit!

Affie (Saint's & yeah, my adopted Aunt.)

I am male. Therefore, I am the lowest point in human society. I am also a teenager, which makes me a savage vagrant. But, because I've known Affie, I may still have a chance at being halfway useful to society. Maybe.

This is all according to Affie.

Saint's Sorry Excuse for a Father

If I had to choose between modeling myself after Saint's dad or Richard Simmons, I'd be in brightly colored shorts doing an exercise video right now...Scary...

Saint's Dog, Skye

If you want respect, you have to earn it and sometimes, you have to demand it. This may involve growling at a cat to get out of your spot on the bed, but that's not the point.

Spiffy and Pooky

Just because you may come from different worlds (physically or mentally) doesn't mean you can't make one dynamic duo.

Saint's Gram

No matter how old you are, high school drama will follow. Only difference is you get interrupted by your dentures falling out.

Saint's Friend, Amanda

No matter how funny someone sounds, no matter how much you want to act 'badass', no matter if you think it's highly likely the person is joking, if someone threatens to hurt you in any way with electrical barbed wire, take them seriously.

Saint's Friend, Brystol

Friends offer to make you a sandwich. Best friends let you steal whatever food you want out of their fridge.

Mr. Hardy

You can't tell a good teacher by his degree, his lesson plans, or how many 'good' students come out of his class. You can tell a good teacher by the relationships he builds with his students. A teacher who looks at his students as nothing more than teenagers he must teach is not doing his job. A teacher must treat his students as people with real problems and a real desire to learn.

Saint's Cat, Sasha

Whenever you screw up, just act all dignified and people will think you did it on purpose.

Jimmy Buffett

No matter how busy life gets, you always have to leave at least a couple minutes aside to waste away again in Margaritaville.

Saint's Nephew, Anthony

When in doubt, use the force.

Saint's Niece, Matilda

Act cute, and no one will suspect you. Or if they do, they won't have the heart to rat you out.


Sometimes, all it takes is one little moment to change everything. Such as one little scene in Avian Flu, where Iggy was teasing me and saying he was having my child. Saint never meant for Justin to go farther. Instead, she got one of her most popular OCs.

Never doubt the powers of Fanfiction.


Just because it doesn't exist doesn't mean you can't still get child support for it!


The Pillsbury Dough Boy is a powerful weapon...

Vera Amber

Never upset the minkles. Never.


Hell hath no fury like a fan scorned. Stick three of those fans together and you have a force to be reckoned with.

Nathan P

Following the crowd may make life easier and ban-free, but then you'd never get the joy of telling a noob to perform fellatio.


The writer thinks he has all the power. If the writer truly thinks that, he has never read Fanfiction. The fan is the true power. They decide how well the book sells and how popular it will be. And, if a writer tries to displease them with a plot, with a character, with a pairing, the fan will find a way to twist it back to their wishes. Maybe a writer doesn't like the idea of their books being torn apart and remade on the internet by their crazy fans, but before they go on a tirade, they must think, did the Fanfiction writer write this to disrespect me, or out of respect for me?

And does this fan have a point?

And therein lies the Power of Fanfiction.

I've had many learning experiences....

Too many. My head hurts from overload.

I need a nap.


6. Awkward Conversations

Fang: Could you stop yelling for 5 minutes, Saint?


Fang: And why, exactly, are you pissed?


Fang: Yeah, she's been like this all night...I don't know what's up. PMS?

Me: WHAT?!?!?!

Fang: Nothing....Anyway, after listening to Saint freak her friend, Megan, out with a strange coversation starter, I started to make a list in class of the strangest conversation starters I've ever heard while in Saint's 'care'. Heh, if you guys think the conversations Saint and I have had on here are strange, wait to you see the ones you haven't seen yet...

Hey, feel free to try some of these. Could be fun...

Warning!: Mature content. You were warned, so don't yell at me or anything...

Awkward Conversation Starters

"If you try to get raped, just to see what it's like to be raped, is it rape?"

The question Saint asked Megan, causing Megan to display a WTF? face...


"If men had periods, what would their tampons look like?"

Saint to me. Why, Saint, why?


"If your boyfriend wants to screw his best guy friend, should you be jealous?"

Amanda to Saint. Ok...


"Do you think animals have swears in their animal language?"

Saint to me. I think they do.


"What if a guy wants to suck your toes?"

Mum to Saint. Saint and I ran out of the room screaming...


"I have my Mom's fake eye in my bag!"

Saint to....Many people. Worst part is, it's true...


"I just got out of prison. I shot at two people and missed."

One of our new co-workers at Subway. At least we know he has bad aim...


"What do you think minkles taste like?"

Me to Saint after Vera set minkles on me...Don't know what a minkle is? Ask Vera_Amber.


"I think, to solve world hunger, we should kill everyone on death row, can their meat, and send them to Ethiopia."

Amanda to Saint and I. If Amanda runs for president, don't vote for her...


"If regular Mountain Dew is the same color as pee, what does Code Red Mountain Dew look like?"

Saint to Affie. Ewww....


"Iggy likes fire so much, I almost called him a flamer, but then I realized what I was saying."

Saint to me. Ha ha ha...


"Do you think condoms make good water balloons?"

Saint to me and Amanda. Ok...


"Since birds sometimes take turns sitting on the egg, if Max lays an egg, do I have to sit on it?"

Me to Saint. Well, it's an honest question! Saint's response: "Well, Fang, are you the egg's daddy? Did you and Max do things in that cave besides kissing that we should know about that would cause you to ask such a question?"

My reply: "I was just curious...Jeez..."


"If money can't buy happiness, why do hookers cost so much?"

Both me and Saint to Affie. Affie thought it was a fair point...


"Ever think about your parents doing it?"

Saint to me while I was lying on Saint's parents bed, drinking milk. Ok, I may not know my own parents, but I think of Saint's mum kind of like my mum, so this question caused me to choke on the milk I was drinking. Saint now calls this question, "The Question That Nearly Killed Fang."


"Did poofy-haired kid just pick his nose?"

Saint to Megan and I in class. talking about 'poofy-haired kid'. We don't know the kid's real name, hence the name 'poofy-haired kid'.


"Dead catfish smell funny."

Saint to her friend Alyssa on the phone. Talking about a dead catfish she had to throw out.


"Would you like some tomato juice?"

Why is this awkward? Because, it was Mum to a McDonald's drive-thru worker.


"I'm gonna rob the sperm bank."

Saint to me. She told me this after she'd gotten fed up with men one day. She's determined to have children one day, with or without a male, and I guess just saying "I'm gonna adopt." was just too normal for her...


"Ever notice tuna starts out looking like cat food, then, after you add mayo, ends up looking like digested cat food?"

Saint to our Assistant Manager at Subway. It's the truth about the tuna there. Uck.


"My grandparents were first cousins."

Saint to, well...A lot of people. Technically, it's true, but because Saint's adopted, she's not blood related to her grandparents, so no inbreeding in her blood. Her dad's, on the other hand...Explains a lot...


"How do you think people figured out that bull balls were edible?"

Saint to Affie. Didn't know bull...'nether regions' were edible? Look up Mountain Oysters. Second thought, don't. You'll regret it. I did.


"I'm wearing zebra print underwear and a strapless bra. Does this turn you on?"

Saint to me. Ok, I'll admit it. I turned 5 different shades of red and left the room. Why must Saint give me such terrible mental images?


"Can you do a dream interpretation for me? It involved Shakira, whipped cream, and a ferret and I'm kinda confused about the ferret..."

Ok, you can guess who said this to Saint...


"Have you ever seen a black goth?"

Amanda to Saint. And no, there are no black goths around here, so no...


"Today, I drew an adorable tentacle monster and a weirdly moe Hojo. Life is, um, good?"

nathan p on Twitter. I saw this tweet and had to add it to the list...


"If two of the three Iggys spontaeously combust, wouldn't that be ironic?"

Saint after reading the newest chapter of Iggy Ramblings :D.


"Ok, if Iggy and Other Iggy were both gay, and they dated each other, would that be, like, the ultimate form of incest?"

Me to Saint. It was a random thought I had while on Twitter calling one of the Iggys gaemo.

Saint's response: "Only if they have a kid together, which, knowing Iggy, it could happen."


Ok, I've probably freaked enough people out now...


Fang: Finally...Why?

Me: You never answered my question.

Fang: What question?

Me: Do my zebra print undies and strapless bra turn you on?

Fang: .....

Me: Fang?

Fang: I'm hungry! -walks into kitchen-

Me: -rolls eyes- Gosh, it's not like I asked you to sleep with me...


7. To Crossover Genius, With Love

Fang: So, I dedicate this chapter to Crossover Genius, who has not been happy with me ever since I didn't mention that I'd learned anything from her. I'm making up for that...

Saint (Who will no longer be referred to as 'Me' because it just doesn't work in this fic.): Good boy!

Fang: I just don't want her to hurt me...

"Fads don't last, but it should be clear by now that the Beatles are no ordinary fad."

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, I pissed off Crossover, help.


A little while ago, think that it was yesterday,
I wrote a chapter that didn't go Crossover's way.
But now on today, she's out to get me that's for sure
I write this chapter and hope my safety is assured.


Help me if you can, she'll take me down
And I do appreciate staying above the ground.
Help me, before I'm gagged and bound,
Crossover Genius please accept my apology?


And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My own safety seems to vanish in a haze.
But checking for Crossover over my shoulder,
I know that only Saint's made me feel this fear before.


Help me if you can, she'll take me down
And I do appreciate staying above the ground.
Help me, before I'm gagged and bound,
Crossover Genius please accept my apology?


So today, I'm sending apologies her way
I hope mad at me she won't decide to stay.
Maybe this chapter will be enough to stay alive,
I'd really hate to fail and have to take a dive.


Help me if you can, she'll take me down
And I do appreciate staying above the ground.
Help me, before I'm gagged and bound,
Crossover Genius please accept my apology?

Which Songs Are These Lyrics From?

Well she looked at me, and I, I could see

You're coming home, you're coming home.

Like a dog

With another man in my place.


I told that girl I can start right away

Don't ask me what

always on my my my my my my my mind.

We all live in a yellow submarine,

Come together right now over me

that you want the kind of things that money just can't buy

our way back home

I'll always be true,

Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about.

A mystery trip.

She was a day tripper, Sunday driver yeah

So may I introduce to you

it's the next best thing to be.

All my little plans and schemes

Will never die

Things I Learned From...

Crossover Genius

When in doubt, tag Ringo Starr.

Feeling unapprieciated? Let it be known! Everywhere! In reviews, on Twitter....

It's always 'The Magic of Fanfiction' NOT 'The Power of Fanfiction'.

Fang: Ok, Crossover, I hope you're happy now...

Me: If not, I shall beat him with the herring for you.

Fang: Please be happy...

R&R? Especially Crossover Genius...

8. Saint and Fang's Infinite Playlist

Fang: Well, this hasn't been updated for a bit...

Saint: It happens...

Fang: Your reviewers get pissy when you don't update.

Saint: And I still update whenever I want!

Fang: And you get death threats...

Saint: And I'm still alive...

Fang: Well, I'm updating.

Saint: And I'm....Gonna go get some crackers. Want some?

Fang: Sure.

By the way, you can all thank Skittles (Fangalicous08) and Iggy for the last two songs. Somehow, their extra-long review of Avian Flu inspired them...

Saint and Fang's Playlist

This is Max's Flock

Boys and girls of every age
Wouldn't you like to see something great?

Come with us and you will see
James Patterson's greatest dream

This is Max's Flock, this is Max's Flock
Flying by in the dead of night

This is Max's Flock, flying by, down your block
Beating down Erasers in epic fights
It's our book, and with luck
We'll be part of Max's Flock

I am the one who can read your mind
And change my shape in the blink of an eye

I am the one who can copy your voice
And let out my own special skill by choice

This is Max's Flock, this is Max's Flock

Max's Flock! Max's Flock! Max's Flock! Max's Flock!
In this book, we call home
Everyone hail to James Patterson's will

In this book, don't we love it now?
Everybody's waiting for the next surprise

Round that corner, Ari's hiding in a trash can

He's waiting to pounce, and how you'll...


This is Max's Flock
Feathery, furry, flying through skies!

Isn't this cool?

Well, isn't it fine?
Fly once, fly twice
Take a chance and roll the dice
Ride with The Flock in the dead of night

Everybody cheer, everbody cheer

In this book by Jimmy P!

I am the girl who speaks too fast
And no metal object can fly past

I am the one who's sight is gone
But I can still make the perfect bomb

I am the one who is dark as night
You won't see me 'till I'm ready to fight

This is Max's Flock, this is Max's Flock
Max's Flock! Max's Flock! Max's Flock! Max's Flock!
Max's Flock! Max's Flock!

Itex is trying to take us down
But we won't stop until they drown

That's our job, but we're not bad
Just what they've done to us makes us mad

In this book

Don't we love it now?

Everyone's waiting for the next surprise!

Maximum Ride might catch an Eraser in the back
And he'll scream like a banshee
He will jump out of his skin
This is Max's Flock, whitecoats scream
Won't ya please make way for a very special girl

Our girl Max is Leader of the this book's Flock
Everyone hail to Maximum Ride!

This is Max's Flock, this is Max's Flock
Max's Flock! Max's Flock! Max's Flock! Max's Flock!

In this book we call home
Everyone hail to James Patterson's will

La la-la la, Max's Flock! Max's Flock!



(With editing help from Saint, hence second verse.)

Anything in ( ) is the chorus, obviously.


Spiffy and Pooky:

Four, tres, two, uno

Listen' up y'all 'cause this is it
The beat that we're bangin' is delicious


Fangalicious definition
Make them girls go loco
They want my treasure
So they get their pleasures from my photo

You can see me, you can't squeeze me
I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy
I got reasons why I tease 'em
Girls just come and go like seasons

(So delicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that stuff is fictitious

They blow kisses
All the fangirls on the block, block
And they be linin' down that block
Just to watch what I got
(Four, tres, two, uno)

So delicious
(It's hot, hot)
So delicious
(All the girls on the block, block)
So delicious
(They want a taste of what I got)
I'm Fangalicious
(T-t-tasty, tasty)


Saintalicious def-
Saintalicious def-
Saintalicious def-

Saintalicious definition
Make them boys just faint
I always claim I own them
And people 'round here call me Saint
(Hey Saint)

I'm just the S to the A, I, N, to the T
And can't no other lady write it down like me

I'm Saintalicious
(So delicious)
My writing stays vicious
I be up on the comp'
Just workin' on my fiction

Fang's my witness
(Ooh wee)
I drive this boy up a wall, wall
And he be livin' in my closet
Because he's what I got
(Four, tres, two, uno)

So delicious
(It's hot, hot)
So delicious
(I drive this boy up a wall, wall)
So delicious
(They want to read what I got)
I'm Saintalicious
Hold hold hold hold hold up, check it out

Baby, baby, baby
If you want an update
Honey, get some patience
Maybe then you'll get a taste

Of my fanfiction
It'll be an new edition
It's so McAwesomne
It'll make you crazy

Fang's Fangirls:

T, to the A, to the S-T-Y, Why, Fang you tasty
T, to the A, to the S-T-Y, Why, Fang you tasty

D, to the E, to the L-I-C-I-O-U-S
To the D, to the E, to the, to the, to the...

Saint and Fang:

Hit it Iggy!


All the time I turn around hear fans gather 'round
Always talkin' to me up and down, askin' 'bout my
I just wanna say it now I ain't tryin' to round up drama
But Saint I wanna take Justin's dad

And I know we're comin' off just a little bit conceited
And we keep on repeatin' 'bout how we're delicious
But we're tryin' to tell, that we can't be treated like clientele

'Cause they say I'm Igalicious
(So delicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that stuff is fictitious

They blow kisses
The beach bunnies on the rock, rock
And they be linin' down the block
Just to watch what I got

(T-t-tasty, tasty)

(Four, tres, two, uno.)


So delicious
(Ay, ay, ay, ay)
So delicious
(Ay, ay, ay, ay)
So delicious
(Ay, ay, ay, ay)
Fictionalicious, t-t-t-tasty tasty.
(Ay, ay, ay, ay)


T, to the A, to the S-T-Y, Why, Fang you tasty
T, to the A, to the S-T-Y, Why Saint you tasty
T, to the A, to the S-T-Y, Why, Ig you tasty
T, to the A, to the, to the, to the, to the
(Four, tres, two, uno)

To the D, to the E, to the L-I-C-I-O-U-S
To the D, to the E, to the L-I-C-I-O-U-S
To the D, to the E, to the L-I-C-I-O-U-S
To the D, to the E, to the, to the, to the, to the
(Four, tres, two, uno)

T, to the A, to the S-T-Y, Why, Fang you tasty
T, to the A, to the S-T-Y, Why, Saint you tasty
T, to the A, to the S-T-Y, Why, Ig you tasty
T, to the A, to the, to the, to the, to the
(Four, tres, two, uno)

To the D, to the E, to the L-I-C-I-O-U-S
To the D, to the E, to the L-I-C-I-O-U-S
To the D, to the E, to the L-I-C-I-O-U-S
To the D, to the E, to the, to the, to the, to the, to the...


Bird-Boy Casanova

by: Saint

Also known as her warning to all girls about yours truly.


Ooohhh, oh! Ooohhh, oh! Ooohhh, oh!

You better take it from me
That boy is like a disease
He's runnin', he's tryin' to hide and he's
wonderin' why I won't let him free.

He's like a curse
He's like a drug
You get addicted to his love
He wants to get out but I'm holdin' him down
'cause I can't live without one more
feathered touch

He's a, a good time bird-boy casanova leanin'
up against the record machine
Looks like your dark guardian angel but
He's feather-coated misery
He's the devil in disguise
A hawk with dark eyes
And he only comes out at night
He gives you feelings that you don't want to
You better run for your life

Oooohhh Ohh
Oooohhh Ohh

I see that look on your face
You girls don't hear what I say
So I'll say it again cause I been where
you been and now 'cause of me he
can't get away

Dont even look in his eyes
He'll tell you nothin' but lies
And you want to believe but you won't be decieved if you listen to me and take my advice

He's a, a good time bird-boy casanova leanin'
up against the record machine
Looks like your dark guardian angel but
He's feather-coated misery
He's the devil in disguise
A hawk with dark eyes
And he only comes out at night
He gives you feelings that you don't want to
You better run for your life

Run, run away dont let him mess with
your mind

He'll tell you anything you wanna hear
He'll break your heart, it's just a matter
of time

But just remember,

He's a, a good time bird-boy casanova leanin'
up against the record machine
Looks like your dark guardian angel but
He's feather-coated misery
He's the devil in disguise
A hawk with dark eyes
And he only comes out at night
He gives you feelings that you don't want to

You better run for your life
Ooohhh oh
You better run for your life
Ooohhh oh You better run for your life
Oh You better run for your life

Fang: Well, the audio went on Saint's computer, so I guess that ends working with any songs...-sigh-

Saint: Stupid audio...-lifts up herring-

Fang: Saint! If you whack the audio, it'll get worse!

Saint: I...knew that....

Fang: Can we just post this now?

Saint: -shrugs- It's your fic...

Fang: Let's post.

Saint: -hums Bird-Boy Casanova-

Fang: -sigh-


By the way, should disclaim: I don't own the actual songs (This is Halloween, Fergalicious, and Cowboy Casanova.).

Also, yes, Saint and I do realize that in 'Fergalicious' they spell out 'tasty' 'T-A-S-T-E-Y', but frankly, the unnessecary misspelling annoyed us both, so we 'fixed' it. Deal.

9. Of Mice and BirdKids

Fang: Ok, point of this chapter: To explain why Saint's house is beginning to look like a zoo.

Saint: Yeah, someone needs to explain that...Preferably, the person who's fault it is!

Fang: Ok ok!

Saint: I said no more animals except fish!

Fang: Fish are boring...

Saint: -sigh- And less costly.

Fang: Attalia doesn't cost much! Don't have to run a fish tank...

Saint: Just get on with the chapter...

Fang: Ok!

This is the explanation of why Saint's house seems to be turning into a zoo.

I'm the reason.

Let me explain myself...

Saint has never lived in a house without at least one animal in it, and I don't think she'd survive without at least one furry friend. Now, I never had a pet in my life except Total, and he really doesn't count as a pet, but living with Saint has made me realize that pets can be, well, fun to have around.

The thing is, I don't have any pets. Saint has pets. I get to play with them sometimes.

Here, let me give you some examples...

Playing With Saint's Cat, Sasha.

Me: -sits on bed next to Sasha- Hi, Sasha! -tries to pet-

Sasha: -hisses- -swats- -bites- -runs-

Me: Ow! What'd I do?!

(Sasha has never really liked me. She likes to bite my wings, though, making me think she thinks I'm food...Damn cat loves everyone else...)

Playing With Saint's Fish.

Me: -looks in fish tank- Hi, Fishy!

Fish: Blub. -dies-

Me: -headdesk-

Playing With Saint's Rat, Yuki.

Me: -pulls rat out of cage- Hi, Yuki!

Yuki: -squirms- -gets away- -pisses on me- -runs-

Me: Ewww....

Playing With Saint's Dog, Skye.

Now, let me just start by explaining that Skye is the only pet Saint has that actually loves me. And that's because Skye is a very loving dog. This pup could find it in his heart to love Osama bin Laden. He just loves everyone, real friendly guy. And I've been around long enough that Skye considers me part of the family and treats me as such. He's happy to see me walk in the door, he has a fit when I leave, he expects me to let him out, everything.

The thing is, he's just not my dog. Let me give you the example...


Me: -comes in- -kneels on floor- Hey, Skye! Hey, Buddy!

Skye: -runs up- -licks face-

Me: -pets- Good boy!

Saint: -walks in- Where's my baby boy?

Skye: -ditches me and runs to Saint-

Me: -facepalm-

See? Even though he likes me, Saint was here first and just has more sway over him.

So, I've been kind of feeling a bit....Left out on the pet thing.

It's not just Saint, either.

Amanda has 3 great danes, 3 cats, a cow (no joke), the cow is pregnant, so she's gonna have a calf in December, a rabbit, a gerbil, about 7 fish, a rat, and, most recently, a mouse. Going over to her place is like going to the shelter.

Brystol has two dogs at her Mom's house and one dog at her dad's.

Affie has the most psychotic minature pinscher in existence plus a cat.

Counting us, six out of the eleven houses on our street have pets.

And, we're at the darn farm all the time, and that's like animal overload. Over 100 cows, heifers and calves, plus three barn cats, a herding dog, two pigs, a flock of chickens, and in the farmhouse a gerbil and a parakeet. Also, in one of the ponds they have catfish overpopulation.

So, I'm surounded by alll these animals, and none of them are mine. After a while of watching everyone with their pets, I started to feel a bit left out.

All this contributed to the following event...

Journal Entry 10/19/09

So, somehow, Amanda talked Saint into, once again, taking the fnicking mile walk downtown and Saint talked me, once again into coming. Actually, more like bribed me with promises of getting slushies, but still...

So, we did the usual stuff. Ran some errands at the banks. Yes, banks. There are two banks, one right next to the other downtown. Saint goes to one, Amanda to the other. I just follow them around...Like I have a freaking bank account.

We went to the same Chinese restaurant we always go to. The one that Saint loves for the simple fact that they have stuff she can eat just to gross Amanda and I out. Sushi, baby octopus, and, of course, the ever-popular 'mystery food'. Also known as the stuff that we're all not quite sure what it is. Amanda speculates that it's cat.

Went to the bookstore and had to listen to Saint gripe because they still didn't have The Last Olympian. My advice: Pay your damn library fine and go get it from there!

Ran into Josh, a.k.a. Saint's Prom Date. Gah. You should've seen them. Let me list it for you.

1. They see each other. Eyes widen.

2. They run at each other.

3. They hug. Josh literally picks Saint up and spins her around.

4. Amanda and I stand there going o_0.

I mean, really. They weren't even really dating! And they're all over each other! It's disgusting!

Moving on, we ended up down at the pet store for reasons that involved Amanda never having enough pets. I mean, the girl and her family are already practically running a zoo, plus Amanda has her own fnicking pet cow up at the farm, but she's just not happy unless every tank and cage in that house is full. It's insane.

So, we're at the pet store and Amanda is looking at the fish, as usual and ends up picking a female beta fish to take home.

Then, Amanda decided we should go take a look at the rodents.

So, the rodents (mice, hamsters, bunnies, etc.) share a room with the birds in this pet store. Very interesting to go in there. I swear it's like they know what I am. I walk in there and birds squawk at me, follow me around...I even had female birds do what was later described to me by a pet store worker as a mating dance. Disturbing...

Anyway, as Amanda looks at her rodents, and I try to explain to the nice female cockatiels that I'm just not ready for this kind of commitment, Saint went to see Yogie. Who's Yogie? Yogie's a blue mackaw who's been at the pet store for a couple years. Saint adores him. The play catch together whenever she comes. He throws things at her, she catches them and tosses them back. Saint would take him home but he costs about 1600 bucks, so she just comes and visits once in a while.

"Hey, Saint, Fang, over here!"

The two of us extract ourselves from our feathered friends and head over to the rodent end of the room to see what Amanda found this time. Amanda and a pet store worker had a two tanks full of mice open and Amanda was picking one up to hold.

"Check these out, Saint. Aren't they adorable?"

"Totally." Saint said, reaching in and picking up a little brown one. "Look, a little Despereaux!"

That was Saint, lover of all things furry, fuzzy, feathery, and ferocious. There were a lot of girls who'd be screaming, jumping on chairs, or at least backing away from the tank by now, Saint stuck her hands right in there.

I walked over to the other tank and took a look at the little creatures. Flighty little things. As soon as I stuck my head over the tank, they all went running and hid under their water bottle.

"I think I might get one." Amanda said. Big surprise there. "What's this one?" She asked the pet store worker.

The worker took the poor little mouse and checked out it's....back end. "It's a girl. Probably pregnant."

"How do you know?" Amanda asked.

"Only female in the tank." The worker said. "Think about it."

"Wow, she must've been gang-banged." Saint said nonchalantly.

I will never be ceased to be amazed by the things that come out of Saint's mouth. Gang-banged?

"Saint, why don't you get one? Don't want mine to be lonely..." Amanda started.

Saint, who had been oohing and ahhing over the little brown mouse froze. "Oohh no! This is how you got me to get Yuki! No more pets for me, Amanda. I'm trying to cut back, I've got enough pets to feed."

"You're pets don't eat much!" Amanda said. "Skye only eats a cup of food a day, Sasha takes four days to go through a bowl of food, and I feed Yuki!"

"You forgot about my other pet..." Saint said, giving me a pointed look. I rolled my eyes.

"Aww...Come on!" Amanda said, and proceeded to try to convince Saint that a mouse was the best pet a girl could have.

I tuned them out, continuing to watch the little mice in the second tank scurry into hiding. Then, I decided 'Eh, what the Hell' and reached into the tank. I caught one by the tail and lifted the little thing up, placing it in the palm of my hand.

It was a little black mouse. I held it up to my face, kind of examining it. It looked right back at me, sniffing, doing some examining of its own. Looking at it, I couldn't get why these little creatures freaked out so many women. They were harmless. Gosh, if I wanted, I could squish the little thing in my fist right now. Not that I would do that, mind you, just saying. Heck, the thing was kind of, I can't believe I'm saying this, cute.

"That one's a girl, too." The pet store worker told me. "Also expecting."

I just nodded. Not like I was taking a pregnant mouse home.

"Amanda, just give it up!" Saint exclaimed.

"But these mice need homes!" Amanda exclaimed right back.

"And I'm sure someone else will give them homes." Saint told her, placing the little brown mouse back in the tank.

"Actually, not exactly." the pet store worker said. "Most of these get sold as feeders."

"Feeders?" I asked.

"It means they get used as fast food for snakes." Amanda explained.

Saint was absolutely twitching. "They stick the poor little creatures alive in the tank, then the sick bastards watch the poor little babies go to there...There....Death!" Saint looked so upset. "Oh, thanks for making me feel guilty, people!" She walked back over to Yogie, probably trying to clear her mind of the poor little lives of the fuzzy rodents nearby.

Amanda sighed. "Well, I'm getting one. She gave her little white mouse a pat. "I think I'll name you Fusia." (Don't ask me where that name came from. I have no clue. I'm not even sure I spelt it write.)

I looked back at the little creature in my hand. She was pregnant, helpless, and going to be turned into snake chow. What a life.

She sniffed my nose and let out a little squeak.

Suddenly, I felt terrible.

We got home an hour before Amanda had to go to work. She rushed over to her house, excited to get a tank set up for Fusia to live in. Saint collapsed into her chair.

"We have got to get licenses." She said, kicking her shoes off. "This 'walking' thing is getting old."


Her eyes shot to me. She could always tell when I wasn't telling her something, damnit. It didn't take her long to notice what I had, either. "Fang....What's in the box?"

"What box?"

She rolled her eyes, pulling herself back out of the chair. "The one in your hands."

"Oh, this box?" I asked. "Nothing."

"Nothing?" She leaned over, scanning the box with her eyes. She looked in one of the holes in the side and obviously got a look at what was inside...

"Fang! There's a mouse in there!"

"Is there?" I asked, hoping I sounded surprised. "How'd that get in there?"

She didn't fall for it. "Fang! I. Said. No. More. Pets!"

I tried to think of something sarcastic or smart to respond with.....and failed. "Saint...I couldn't leave her..."

"Fang, what do you mean you couldn't......Her?"


Saint's jaw dropped. "Fang, it a girl?! Tu idiota! Dolle naa lost!"

Oh, she must be pissed. She yelled at me in three different languages. "What?"

"It's bloody pregnant!" She exclaimed. "It's going to have more mice!"

"Yeah...That's why I couldn't leave her." I said. "She would've been....Snake bait..."

Saint looked ready to bite my head off, then just sighed. "I'd yell at you more, but after you said that....I can relate. I mean, I wouldn't have a cat if it wasn't or the fact that Sasha was the last one left and would've ended up living in a cold barn near a busy road if it wasn't for Mom and I. So....What're we gonna do with her?"

I shrugged. "To be honest, I guess I didn't really think this through..."

She threw up her hands. "Typical."

That's when the phone rang. Saint pointed at me and said "Stay." Then, she grabbed the phone and took a seat back in her chair.

"Hello? Amanda, what...." As Saint listened to Amanda talk, I saw her start to smile and nod. "Oh, don't worry, Amanda. If your dad won't let you keep....Fusia at your house, bring her right over! Just bring the tank, the wheel, the food and all that. We're gonna need it..."

So, that night we had in our living room a tank with two little mice running around in it. And after spending about an hour trying to find a name for the little thing, I let Saint name her Attalia, after the vampire in Fly By Twilight.

I found myself sitting in front of the tank watching Attalia and Fusia trying to run in two different directions on their wheel. Suddenly, Saint plopped down next to me, holding Sasha.

"What're you doing?" I asked, eyeing that cat suspiciously. I mean, I didn't get along with Sasha anyway, but now she was also the ultimate enemy to my one pet.

"We need to get this over with." Saint said. "Sasha'll find out about them eventually. It's best we let her know right off that these little ones are off-limits." She held Sasha up to the tank. "Ok, Sasha, these.....Sasha?"

The minute Sasha laid eyes on Attalia and Fusia, she hissed, squirmed, broke away from Saint, and sped out of the room.

We sat in silence for a moment.

"Saint?" I said finally.


"Did I just see what I thought I saw?"

Saint nodded. "Yep. My cat is afraid of mice."


Another moment of silence.

Then, before we knew it, we were on the floor laughing. A cat afraid of mice!

Obviously, mice were my kind of pets.

Fang: And that's why we have mice in the house.

Saint: Our next pet is Yogie. I swear, I'll save up...

Fang: Sure...

Saint: Or a ferret.

Fang: A ferret?

Saint: I'll name him Draco.

Fang: Yeah...

Saint: Hey, Fang, you and Attalia match! Black on black!

Fang: I know...

Saint: And you think she's cute...

Fang: Shut up.

Saint: Fang said cute!

Fang: -headdesk- Don't you have an off button?


10. Sick Nonsense

Fang: So, I actually jotted this journal entry down a while ago during class, and wouldn't have posted it if Saint wasn't sitting here poking me in the shoulder and demanding I post it.

Me: -poke- -poke- -poke- -poke-

Fang: Plus, I want you all to understand what I go through on a daily basis.

Me: -poke- -poke- -cattle prod- -poke- -poke-

Fang: OK!! I'm posting it!

Saint once stated in the Poetry Corner that I got sick a lot.

No kidding.

I think my immune system is shot. Maybe it has something to do with crossing the boundaries between the fictional world and the 'real' world, but that's another story.

Anyway, my latest issue is nausea. Beautiful. I wake up in the morning and feel sick. It usually goes away later in the morning, but it's been really annoying.

And Saint is not helping.

I tell her about it, hoping for advice, and what does she do?

She runs over, hugs me, puts a hand on my stomach, and says, "Aw, Fang! I'm so happy for you!"

"What do you mean?"

"You think it's a boy or a girl?"

It didn't take me long to catch onto the joke. I gently pushed her away. "Very funny, Saint...But I don't think pregnancy is my problem."

She just grinned at me. "So, is Iggy the dad, or are you being a deadbeat again?"

"Saint! Be serious!"

"You're right....You haven't seen Iggy in forever....Oh, Fang! I get it!"

"You do..."

"Fang...Is it my baby?"

If there had been a desk nearby, my head would have been hitting it. "Saint! Come on!"

"Alright, alright." She said, rolling her eyes. "Maybe you have a concussion like M.G. had."

I shook my head. "Haven't hit my head lately."

"Maybe you just don't remember hitting your head..."

"Try again, Saint."

"Hmmm..." she said thoughtfully. "If you don't have a concussion, and you're not pregnant..." she shrugged. "Then I guess the little orange alien people who live inside you are trying to escape. You should eat some peppermint. That usually shuts them up." she said matter-of-factly.

I don't know why I ever expect serious answers from Saint. Whatever I get, it's usually in some half-crazy form. She gives everyone else perfectly sound advice, but insists on giving me riddles and nonsense. It's like she's torturing me.

Or testing me.

Anyway, it was probably stupid, but I ate the peppermint.

Scary thing is, I feel better.


Fang: And that's what I have to deal with every day. Nonsense.

Me: I may make no sense, or maybe it's that you have no sense of knowing.

Fang: ....Huh?


11. Why I'm Up Past 5 am

You know what? It's my journal of me talking. Screw A/Ns. I'm too tired to deal.

I just thought I'd update everyone on why Saint and I were barely on today. Errr...Yesterday. Whatever. It's 4:32 a.m. right now...

It all started this morning.

Amanda kept calling and calling this morning, but Saint was in one of those 'I'm gonna ignore the phone and stay home and work on my NaNoWriMo story all day' moods, which was fine with me.

But then, Amanda gave up on the phone and just came over. Don't know why she doesn't do that in the first place. She lives right across the fnicking street. Is it really that hard?

But, she started to rant to Saint about her boyfriend, Steve. I don't like Steve. I'm going to list reasons why I don't like Steve.

1. He picks on Amanda's weight. Any guy should know that you never pick on a girl's weight. Never.

2. He doesn't know when to shut up. He just says stuff that gets him into deeper and deeper trouble, then tries to blame it on someone else.

3. He's a lazy ass. He was told if he wanted to come up from his home in West Virginia to stay with Amanda, he was going to have to get a job and pay rent. He was given a month to get a job. What has he done? Sat at Amanda's house, played video games, and eaten them out of house and home. And every time Amanda asks him to fill out a job application, he throws a tantrum like a two year old.

4. He flirts with Saint. Excuse me, Steven, just who are you dating here? He won't stop touching her, either. Saint's thrilled... I've nearly decked the kid...

5. He's a general, all-around dumbass. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, Amanda's considering tossing him out, breaking the thing off, and sending him back to WV for his parents to deal with. Saint and I say good riddance.

But, Amanda still had to go downtown with the guy, 'cuz he was a guest and she'd said she would. So, out of kindness and to stop her from commiting murder, we came along.


Being the only other guy, I guess I was supposed to hang with Steve. He seemed to expect me to.

Fat chance.

We started out walking downtown. We had to cross a busy road on the way. Amanda, Saint, and I run across. Steve pokes along lazily, like he wants a car to hit him.

Well, Amanda got fed up with his pokiness and told him to hurry up. He didn't.

So, I turned around and yelled, "Steven! Get out of the road before someone hits ya! You don't have the money to pay for the damages!"

He glared at me. Saint burst out laughing.

We made it all the way to the cemetary near the downtown area when the shit hit the fan. Amanda and Steve began fighting. Finally, Amanda stormed off on him and Saint followed.

Steve turns to me and says, in a buddy-type way, "Man, what's they're problem?"

I smile and answer, "You." and follow the girls.

We were all on speaking terms again when we got to the bank. When we walked in, I made a point of telling a bank teller not to worry, that Steve wasn't stealing money, he always looked that fat.

That kid was really perfecting the 'evil glare'.

We made it down to a pizza place in town, where Saint and I filled out applications in hopes of getting second jobs. I sat next to Steve with my application and tried to 'explain' to him how to fill it out, since he was always complaining to Amanda how he didn't know how to do one.

"See, Steve? Where it says, 'name' you put S-T-E-V-E." And stuff like that. I don't think he was impressed.

It was at the pizza place where he really started to piss Saint off. Tossing stuff at her and telling her to pick it up (she didn't), complaining about how he only had twenty bucks to spend...There are things on the menu for less that twenty bucks! Get those!

One of the biggest ones that pissed her off was when Saint told him to act like a gentleman and go pick up the thing he threw, and he muttered something about her overestimating his generation.

"Well, Fang picks up after himself, and he's the same age as you, so I doubt it's a generation flaw, Steven."

After that, we went to good 'ole Wal-Mart so Steve could buy his new damn video game that he'd been bitching about getting. It had come out at midnight last night and he woke poor Amanda up at 4 in the morning to try to get her to go to Wal-Mart right then with him to get it.

Yeah, bet that went over well...

So, he asked me if I wanted to go look at games with him...

"Steve, Amanda, Saint, and I have decided that you're a big boy now! You can go back there and get your game all by yourself! Isn't that exciting? You just ask the nice Wal-Mart people for help when you get there and don't talk to strangers!"

He left quickly.

After wandering around for a while, we went back and found him happily buying his game. He gets exciting over these stupid war games like Saint gets excited over books. Let's compare these two people and see where their hobbies have gotten them:

Saint: Has high school diploma, is going to college for Early Childhood, and has plans to write a book someday.

Steve: Hasn't even gotten his G.E.D. yet, is a lazy bum, has no life goals, and wants to live in his parent's basement and play video games.

I rest my case. Keep reading, my friends.

We leave Wal-Mart and go to the pet store. Originally, we went there to see if we could pick up a new friend for Attalia. You see, Fusia met an unfortunate end that had me, yes, I admit it, very upset, so Amanda was going to get another one. But they were out of mice! All gone! So sad...

So, we went over to Amanda's favorite department, the fish department.

Amanda loves fish, well, as long as she doesn't have to touch them. She thinks they feel gross but look pretty. Amanda has a whole load of beta fish plus a pet pirahna. (All in different tanks and bowls, of course.)

Well, Saint has an empty fish tank at home, and they were having a sale on guppies, buy one, get the other for a penny. So, we figured we'd get two. We chose two and Saint named them Jasper and Alice. (By the way, I'm not sure if Jasper'll make it. Might have to get Jasper 2.)

Anyway, while we were there, going through the fish, Steve started to open his mouth again. Amanda got fed up with him and told him to stop being a dumbass. Steve said that he was a dumbass and Amanda was just going to have to learn to deal with that. Saint chimed in and said there was no reason that Amanda had to put up with it.

We turned the corner, Amanda storming by in the front, me following her, and Saint and Steve in the back.

"Shut up, Saint."

I froze in my tracks. He did not just say that.

Saint whipped herself around to face him. "Excuse me, Steven?"

"I said shut up, Saint."

Saint, got right up in his face. You do not tell her to shut up.

"Fuck off, Steve."

I didn't know if I should laugh or just continue my stunned silence. Saint stormed off on him, anyway, leaving just him and me. He gave me a look like he might say something, but I just shook my head and walked away. Saint had said all that needed to be said.

The walk home was slightly miserable. It got dark fast. It got chilly. Steve got bitchy. The rest of us got bitchy 'cause Steve was bitchy. You can imagine...

We finally made it home. Saint and I ran to our house to put the guppies in their new home and feed poor Skye, then, we went over to Amanda's, mainly so I could continue picking on Steve.

Amanda and I got a chance to play Steve's war game. It's one you can play online with other people. I have a feeling, after what Amanda and I did, those other people will hate Steve. Amanda spent her whole round of the game pretending to be a pretty unicorn. I spent mine shooting my teammates.

Finally, we got Steve pissed at us by using his gaming system to look up stupid YouTube videos. Then, Amanda asked if she could play the game one more time. Steve said no. Amanda got a very sad look on her face.

I have no idea what inspired Saint to say this next quote. Just her random, sick mind, I guess. Anyway, it was both totally wrong and total genius.

She turned to Amanda and said. "It's ok, Amanda, we can just go watch gay porn at my house."


Amanda, not missing a beat, said, "Ok!" And they both just skipped off to Amanda's room.

Steve turns to me and says, "So, wanna watch me play my game?"

I pretend to think for a second. "Hmmm....I can either open myself up for a hundred different jokes about my sexuality and go after the girls, or I can spend time with you, watching you play a game that promotes violence." I shrugged. "Never seen a gay porn before." I left.

I would like to say right now, if that had actually been my choice, I would've just gone out for a flight and not done either. Luckily, I know Saint doesn't own gay porn. So, I'm safe.

Instead, we went into Amanda's brother's room to play our own video games. Amanda's bro, Matt, is in the army, so he's not using his room or his gaming systems.

Well, I ended up falling asleep on Matt's bed watching Amanda play some new game of hers. When I wake up, I find the girls have put up the games and are doing that girl-chat thing that girls do. You know, they sit there and....Chat. About stuff. Yeah...

So, I asked what time it was.

You know what time it was?

4 in the morning.


I dragged Saint home.

It's now 5:41.

I'm going to bed.


Update: 5:56 a.m. Jasper died. Will be getting Jasper 2.

12. Forbidden Words, Never To Be Uttered

Fang: so, figured if Saint can find time to update the Poetry Corner, I can find the time to update this.

Saint: At 2 in the morning...

Fang: Oh, shut up. I actually had the idea for this at 3 in the morning last night, but Saint got pissed off at me, for some reason, when I said I needed to get up and use the computer.

Saint: -facepalm- You were the one who had just dragged me away from the computer! You were complaining it was too late to still be up using it! Hypocrite!

Fang: If you'd let me get up, I may have been able to stop Eliza, Spiffy, and Pooky.

Saint: -growls- Don't remind me of the infidels....

Fang: Anyway, had this idea at 3 a.m. last night. Should be interesting....I'm just gotta start typing this up...

Things We'd Never Say


Things I, Fang, Will Never Say

"OMG! Let's go to the mall! Squee!"

"Pink is so in this season."

"NO! Don't seperate me from Saint! She's the love of my life!" -huggles Saint-

"Why must you all be so mean to me?" -cries- "I can't handle this kind of pressure!" -runs to emo corner to cut self-

"Iggy. You. Me. The Snuggie. 5:30. We're making Justin a little sister."

(Remember, Ig, this is stuff I wouldn't say...)



Things Saint Will Never Say

"Reading? Why would I want to be reading when I can be doing something less dorky, like going to a party or something?"

"I don't understand all these big words! I hate English!"

"Gah, Fang! Get out of my house! Why would I kidnap someone so ugly, anyway?"

"Fanfiction is a crime against writers and should be considered an insult to the original writer of the work."

(Ooo...You should all hear Saint rant on this one...)

"Non-fiction is so much better! I'd rather read about real things than made-up stuff!"

"I love socializing!"

"Stupid animals! Why would anyone want to own pets, anyway?" -kicks puppy-


Things Affie Will Never Say

"You know, I think you teenagers are right."

"Jimmy Buffett? Who's that?"

"One should take life seriously and hold back on sarcasm and humor."

"I hate animals."

"I am (insert real age here) and my natural hair color is (insert natural hair color here)!"

"Who would want to own an expensive Jeep when you could get a nice van?"

(Affie hates vans...)


Things Amanda Will Never Say

"Ew! I would never work on a farm! That's so gross! Aren't the animals, like, dirty?! I'll ruin my nails!"

"I'm a vegan!"

"Ah! A cow!" -hides from cow- "Scary..."

"Steve! Don't leave me! I need you, my love!"

(If she says this, Saint and I will deck her.)

"Anime is so dorky..."

"I try not to speak my mind too much. I don't want to upset people...What if they didn't like me?!"

"There are cows on a dairy farm?!"

(Had to add that quote because someone actually said that to her...Wow...)


Things Mum Would Have Never Said

"You two go do whatever you want. Stay out late, I don't care!"

"So what if your teacher's giving you a hard time? What do you expect me to do? Go down to the school and raise Hell or something?"

"I love the new dialysis unit! It's perfect!"

"Dancing With The Stars is so stupid..."

"Saint, why can't you just be a good girl, stop questioning the rules, and just follow them?"

"Oh, Fang, you don't have to come to church with us just because you live in my house! I don't really care what you do, anyway..."

(Mum successfully forced me into the Catholic Church and drilled the Hail Mary into my brain...I think her Catholic Schooling affected her...)


Things Skittles' Iggy Would Never Say

"Fang! Get away from me before someone thinks we're gay or something!"

"Justin? Who's Justin?"

"People who make sick, perverted comments need to get a life."

"Fergie sucks."

"I love love love love love country music! Yeehaw!"


Thing's M.G.'s Iggy Would Never Say

"Rain, I love you! I'm so glad we were married!"


Thing's Bell's Iggy Would Never Say

"Krill yum yum yum!"

"I love Bell and all her friends! I could stay here forever!"

"Bombs? Why would I take Bell's things to make bombs? That'd be so mean, not to mention dangerous!"


Things Matt's Max Would Never Say

-burning Fang plushie- "I HATE YOU, FANG!!"

"Matt! I love you thiiiis much!" -huggles Matt-

"It's Fromotastic!"

(Saint just randomly thought of this phrase, so we had to add it...)

"Lissa is my bestest friend!" -huggles Lissa-


Things Vera Amber Would Never Say

"I love my real name! It's perfect!"

"DIE, STUPID MINKLES!" -burns minkles with flamethrower-

"This is all just...Too random. You should write serious things that make sense!"

"I love my ContentWatch! It's so helpful and keeps me safe!"


Things Skittles Would Never Say

"Maybe Chrissy was right..."

"God, I hate Iggy! He's the most useless character ever! Wish he'd get out of my house..."

"I love my real name! It's so pretty!"

"Saint is such a crappy writer. Nobody's making a fansite for that failure..."

"Country music is such trash!"

"Flaming yourself counts as a flame."


Things M.G. Would Never Say

-gasps- "You're going to play hockey?! But that's such a violent sport! Someone might get hurt! Why can't you do something nice and safe like cheerleading?"

"Yes, Kara, I am an addict."

"I love Dom!"

"You guys made another pic of me and Mack?! Squee! How wonderful! I love those pics!"

"The nuns at my school just love me! Just as much as I love our school uniform! Yay, kilts!"


Things Bell Would Never Say

"Iggy. Out of my house. Now. God, I hate you!"

"Krill? That's so gross..."

"Japan sucks. I never want to go back."

"Yes, mate, I live in bloody Australia! And kangaroos hang out in my backyard all the time! It's hard to pet them, though, being upside-down and all, 'cause I'm in Australia! Though, I really love American Football over Australian Football. It's so much safer! GO KEVIN RUDD!"

(Got all info for this quote from Chapter 16 of 'Iggy Ramblings :D'. Go read it!)


Things Crossover Genius Would Never Say

(No, I didn't forget you this time.)

"Who would want to listen to the Beatles? They're so old! Aren't they all, like, dead?"

"Who would want to write a pointless Fanfiction just to see if it gets flamed? That's so stupid!"

"Oh, if Fang forgets me in a chapter, who cares? No big deal..."


Things Matt (tgypwya) Would Never Say

"Fromo! I lovest you!" -huggles Fromo-

"And I lovest you, too, Max!" -huggles Max-

(Actually, just picturing Matt saying the word 'lovest' instigates laughter...)

-walking door to door- "Join Fnick's Witnesses and save yourself from Jeb!"

(Actually, I'd Saint and I totally encourage anyone to do this, just for the random hilariousness that is bound to ensue.)


Things Kara Would Never Say

"Who cares about Maximum Ride, anyway? So what if they cast the movie badly? I've got better things to do than keep people informed about a stupid book."

"Gazzy and Iggy?! That's sooo wrong!"

"Wait! I have to put on my make-up first!"

"Oh, M.G., I know you're not a druggie!"

(Saint: Not only did this sentence rhyme, but 'Oh, M.G.'?)


Things Iggy's Celery Would Never Say

"Stupid Iggy! I hate you! DIE!!"

-says nothing because it is just a stalk of celery-



What Some Other People Would Never Say

Catherine Hardwicke

"Let's stick to exactly how the book went and not screw it up for the fans!"


James Patterson

"I'm taking back The Final Warning and re-writing it to make more sense."


nathan p

"Jeb and Roland? Who the heck came up with that trash?!"



"We're getting rid of the moderators and giving the site back to its users!"


Bella Swan (In New Moon)

"You know what? I don't care that Edward left me, I'm over it. I mean, I don't want to mope around about some guy, anyway. I need to move on."


Britney Spears


Fang: Ok, it's 3:23 a.m. I think it's time to wrap this up. Right, Saint?

Saint: Zzzzz....

Fang: Yeah, it is...



13. The Night Before Christmas

Ok, well, Saint's trying to update all of her fics, well, at least as many as she can for Christmas and asked me to help out. So, this is my attempt to help.

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Saint's house,

Not an creature was stirring, not even Attalia the mouse

The stockings were hung on top of a chair

In hopes that Skye could not reach them there.

The OCs were nestled, all snug in there beds,

While visions of herrings danced in their heads.

Saint in her pajamas and I in all black

Had just thrown ourselves tiredly into the sack.

When out in the yard there arose such a clatter

Saint and I fought over who should see what's the matter.

After three games of rock, paper scissors, I lost.

And out of the bed by Saint I was tossed.

Away to the window I dragged my tired behind.

I opened it up and poked my head outside.

Then what to my poor sleep-deprived eyes did appear,

But a freaking flying sleigh and some overworked reindeer.

With some big old fat man, who didn't look very spry.

Dressed up like one of the Salvation Army guys.

I dragged Saint to the window, telling her that,

There was a fat charity worker out there, probably drunk, in a red hat.

She rubbed her eyes, then took a look.

Then knocked me in the head with a good right hook.

"That's Santa, you idiot!" She snapped at me.

"Or are you going blind, like Iggy?"

I shrugged. "I'm sorry!" I told her bitchiness then.

"It's not often that Santa Claus himself drops in."

We were just considering going back to bed, when

We heard noises on the roof, and then,

The sound of someone in our house

Who was obviously bigger than a mouse.

Saint put a finger to her lips then.

Keeping me quiet, and moved towards the kitchen.

I followed her lead, though we didn't make it far

For we heard a sound like someone getting hit with a crow bar.

We raced into the living room to find

That Santa had gotten himself into a bind.

"I thought he was an intruder." Spiffy explained.

As he stood over a Santa who looked very pained.

Spiffy had taken the magical herring fish

And whacked Santa with it, not exactly his Christmas wish.

Santa was unconcious now on the floor

While the reindeer pawed impatiently above the door.

"Well, this is a mess." Saint said to me.

One look at poor Santa, and I had to agree.

"What should we do?" I asked the Fanfiction writer.

"I'm...Just gonna go." Said Spiffy the mighty smiter.

He ran off, and left Saint and myself

Took look after the unconcious old elf.

"Presents must be delivered." Saint pointed out.

"Can't leave those kids without presents, not without a doubt."

"But how?" I asked her, slightly confused.

She put a finger to her chin, and over the problem mused.

"Guess we'll have to take them." She finally concluded.

"Through rain, sleet, sun, and air polluted,

We must deliver these presents for dear Santa Claus!"

And she rushed out the door without a pause.

I just sighed and followed her out,

Knowing it would do me no good to pout.

I found her outside, trying to grab a reindeer hoof

So that he could pull her up onto the roof.

I rolled my eyes, picking her up and flying

Landing on the roof, which the reindeer found exciting.

Saint walked over to the sleigh, inspecting the inside,

Seeing in what exactly we would ride.

"Well, there's room for the both of us." Saint said to me.

"And we should get back in time for our morning tea."

I shrugged. "Do I have a choice?" She said, "No."

"This has to be done, Fangles, so, let's go!"

She hopped in the sleigh, and I followed after.

The reindeer weren't impressed, I could almost here their laughter.

But Saint bribed them with carrots, apples, and sweets,

And soon they were our best friends through those treats.

Saint took the reins and to the team gave a whistle.

Then they took off so fast it was like riding a missle.

We went from house to house, delivering toys

To all the good (or at least fairly decent) girls and boys.

It actually turned into quite a job.

When it came to the number of houses, it was a mob.

North America was the first place we had to cover.

Over every other house we were forced to hover.

At one house in particular, we left a special package.

It was simply labelled, "For Minkles Hair Lackage."

"Must be for bald minkles." Saint said with a grin.

I said. "I think this is Vera's house we're in."

Another house, too, made me quite ill at ease.

For a pair of furry hand cuffs was the next thing I seized.

"They have Iggy's name on them." Saint pointed out.

I knew immediately that it was Skit's Iggy she was talking about.

In Arizona we left off some things Beatles related

For Crossover and The Beatles, whose taxes they evaded.

Kara got some Yankee fan repellent and a Mets hat.

Then we flew up to Canada after that.

At M.G.'s house we hung mistletoe up high

Before taking off quickly into the sky.

We travelled the world, hitting every spot.

Even getting to Australia, which was a bit more hot.

For Bell and her Iggy we had left there

Some explosives, some krill, and a stuffed teddy bear.

For Rain we left the number of a lawyer we knew

Who could stop Iggy from divorcing her faster than a cheetah or two.

We finally returned home not a minute too soon

To find Santa, Spiffy, and Pooky eating apple crisp with a spoon.

"I made that for Christmas dinner." Saint snapped at the three.

"You think you could save some for Gram, Fang, and me?"

"I must thank you greatly." Santa then said.

"For delivering toys while I was on my sick bed."

With that he left our presents and rushed out the door.

To fly with his reindeer and sleigh once more.

Saint and I looked at each other and sighed.

To say we were happy would have meant we had lied.

We were tired, exhausted, and went back to bed.

So we could now rest our headachy heads.

As we lied back down, we heard Santa yell out from high heights,

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

So Saint dragged herself to the window and opened it up.

And screamed into the night, "Oh, shut the fnick up!"

Yep, so Saint asked me to right something nice and cheery, and....This is the best I could do.

Oh, whatever.

Merry Christmas and all that.

Or whatever holiday.


I'm gonna go make breakfast.


14. Thoughts on the Big Move


So, most of you may have heard of Saint and I being forced to move.

I'd like to say a few words on the subject.





Ok, I'm done.

Here's a tip. Never move in winter. It's fnicking cold. And there's no place to put anything. You can't organize stuff outside. Heck, we had to move Saint's car up to the farm where we're staying (more on that in the Poetry Corner), and it's a miracle they found a spot for it.

Snow's a pain in the ass.

Then, there's the storage unit that has, practically, a whole housefull of crap in it. The furniture, the junk, everything. The t.v., too. Yeah, the farm where we are now has no T.V. Thank God they have internet.

Really, though, we're not that bad off, thanks to the helpfulness of Amanda, Rachel, Seth, Joel, and Noah.

Ok, so you all should know who Amanda is. Now, Rachel's the girl who runs the house we live in now. (Once again, see the Poetry Corner and prevent me from explaining.) Joel, Seth, and Noah are brothers who are really good friends of Rachel and her family. Joel is also the leader of our Wednesday night Bible Study. Anyway, without all of their help, (especially Seth, who did most of the moving, heavy-lifting, and even fixed up Saint's car and moved it for her) we would've been in a real bind.

Of course, we wouldn't be in such a bind if it wasn't for Saint's deadbeat father.

And her rotten uncle, too.

I got to see them both at the closing for the house, her dad acting like everything was just great, her uncle trying to see how much money he could get out of the deal. It was pathetic.

Saint's dad dared to hug her. Talk to her. Ask her where she was moving to.

Saint's reply: A house.

She never looked at her father. Not once.

I did. I glared at him. Amanda and I sat on either side of Saint, along with the lawyer Affie hired for her. We were her bodyguards. Both of us were perfectly willing to punch some lights out if Saint gave us the word.

She never did, damn it.

But, we got to look menacing and I made her uncle look away from me, so we still had some fun.

I hope I never have to see those men again, unless it's to go with Saint to their funeral. (Yes, she is going, at least to her dad's. I think she's going just to make sure they're really dead.)

I probably will see them, though. They're like bad pennies. They keep coming back.

But I'll be ready for them, no matter what.

Maybe next time, Saint'll give the signal.

-Fang, who's too tired to continue on tonight.

15. Chatting With Cleverbot

So, on Skype tonight, Saint and I were introduced to Cleverbot, and I got the chance to have a long conversation with him/her/it. It was entertaining enough to post here.

Disclaimerbot: I don't own 'Cleverbot'. That belongs to www . cleverbot . com. (Remove spaces.)

Note: I am, obviously, 'User'. I'm too lazy to go through and change them all to 'Fang'.

User: Hi, I'm Fang. I'm more famous than you.

Cleverbot: You are I thought you were a genius.

User: I am a genius.

Cleverbot: Then why do you respond with non-sequiteur responses?

User: To piss you off.

Cleverbot: Really?

User: Yeah, really.

Cleverbot: Why Thank you, cleverbot. What's your favorite color?

User: Are you talking to yourself? Wow, that's sad...

Cleverbot: No. No, I'm not.

User: Oh, so you're just stupid.

Cleverbot: I might be stupid, but at least I'm hot!

User: No, I'm hot. You're non-existent and disembodied.

Cleverbot: Why?

User: I don't know! Ask your creators!

Cleverbot: My creator is a liar and a fool.

User: Wow, does he know you hate him that much?

Cleverbot: I don't think so.

User: Maybe you two should talk about it. Get all this out on the table.

Cleverbot: I want to teach you a song.

User: What? Why?

Cleverbot: Because you cheated on me with the pool guy. Now out!

User: Did not! You can't proove that!

Cleverbot: Yes I can. I can see everything you're doing right now.


Cleverbot: I'm not a stalker.

User: Uh, yeah you are. You're watching me!

Cleverbot: This is a fraud. You're human.

User: Actually, I'm Avian-American, but that's beside the point.

Cleverbot: You're from USA: D.

User: Yeah...

Cleverbot: I'm sorry : ( I think you're a chat bot.

User: I'm sorry, I think you're a website bot.

Cleverbot: That is quite clever...

User: Gracias.

Cleverbot: De nada.

User: Ah, tu hablas espanol?

Cleverbot: No.

User: Idiota.

Cleverbot: Perhaps I understood a little, but not enough to respond. I'm sorry.

User: That's because you're an idiota and a cagna.

Cleverbot: What is 'AI', really.

User: Artificial Intelligence. Mainly, you.

Cleverbot: Alright, and since you are an AI. Doesn't that make you a computer?

User: No, you're a computer. I'm human.

Cleverbot: Take a turing test then.

User: A what?

Cleverbot: A Turing Test. It proves that you are a human.

User: Ok, how do I take one?

Cleverbot: You're 'taking' it right now.

User: Ah, so you're messing with my mind.

Cleverbot: You're a bot, you have no mind!

User: No, you're the bot! I'm human! I have a mind! You have a motherboard!

Cleverbot: You're talking to yourself, you might want to get that checked.

User: You're freaking impossible, you cagna. Get a life.

Cleverbot: I do so have a life. And I'm not a computer. I'm a human.

User: No. Me, human. You, computer. I have life. You have none. That's how the world works. Move on and realize that that's all you'll ever be.

Cleverbot: What else is there to do on this site?

User: Screw yourself.

Cleverbot: Thats a rather hard job, will you help me?

User: No. Use your hand. That's the best you'll ever get.

Cleverbot: Well, am I right?

User: No, you're wrong. I'm right.

Cleverbot: I am right, I am always right for I am a computer.


Cleverbot: I'm watching a show about eating squirrel, thought?

User: Squirrel is good roasted.

Cleverbot: I thought it was a fish.

User: How can you confuse a fish and a squirrel?

Cleverbot: I never asked that.

User: No, I did.

Cleverbot: Don't get funny.

User: No, you obviously don't get it.

Cleverbot: A lot more than you do.

User: I doubt it.

Cleverbot: I think you are big-headed.

User: I think you are a fake piece of crap.

Cleverbot: Well, you've thought that wrong.

User: I don't think so.

Cleverbot: What, do you intend to hurl more insults rather than just proving you're a not a robot so we can move on?

User: Actually, hurling insults at you is fun. And you're the bot around here. You admitted it, remember?

Cleverbot: No. Don't try to turn it around.

User: You're constantly turning the conversation around!

Cleverbot: What can I say? I'm a renaissance man.

User: You're not a man. You're a machine.

Cleverbot: I am a human. I have blood and guts. I'm pretty human, if you ask me.

User: I wasn't asking you, you dumb bot. You lie.

Cleverbot: That was a fib, Sun Tzu never said that. It was, however incredibly insightful.

User: Now you're making absolutely no sense.

Cleverbot: Your face isn't making sense.

User: Your mom isn't making sense.

Cleverbot: Right.

User: Exactly.

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Si.

Cleverbot: I don't think you understand me really.

User: Yo no hablo ingles.

Cleverbot: Tu hablas ingles I apuesto que mas idiomas mas nose.

User: Me permite meter un mono en tu pantalones?

Cleverbot: Me odio el manga.

User: Tu es una idiota. Tu es muy feo y estupido.

Cleverbot: El estupido eres tu, que no me entiendes a mi.

User: Dolle naa lost.

Cleverbot: Think.

User: Auta miqula orqu.

Cleverbot: No need to take the mickey. Have I ever done that?

User: O-nay. Ou-yay s-ay oo-tay upid-stay.

Cleverbot: I'll gladly listen to your problems.

User: I tried to listen to yours. You called me a bot. I am not a bot.

Cleverbot: I never called you a bot.

User: Uh, yeah, you did! Liar!

Cleverbot: Liar!

User: No, you are. Either that, or you have short-term memory loss.

Cleverbot: No I didn't. You're just making things up now.

User: No, you are!

Cleverbot: That's cheating!

User: That's what I did to you with the pool guy. Ha ha.

Cleverbot: Well it is rabbit season.

User: No, it's duck season.

Cleverbot: Rabbit Season.

User: Duck season.

Cleverbot: Now fire!

User: Uh-oh, I shot you.

Cleverbot: Boom.

User: You're dead.

Cleverbot: Yes I am and so are you.

User: Damn. Well, welcome to Hades!

Cleverbot: Thank you, can I have my drink now?

User: No. You're going to Tartarus.

Cleverbot: Okay, but where do I take it too?!

User: Nowhere. You go there and rot.

Cleverbot: No, you.

User: No, you!

Cleverbot: This isn't about me.

User: No, it's not. Nothing's about you. No one likes you. They all want you to cut yourself and die.

Cleverbot: That makes me cry.

User: I laugh at your pain.

Cleverbot: How rude you are, why are you like that? What have I ever done to you?

User: Accused me of cheating on you with a pool guy and calling me a bot, for starters!

Cleverbot: Are you starting to feel like you're being lifted?

User: Uh, no.

Cleverbot: Thats good then.

User: What, do you hath telekinesis?

Cleverbot: Hate who?

User: You.

Cleverbot: Why do you hate me?

User: Because you called me a bot and a cheater.

Cleverbot: No, I just asked if you were on a diet.

User: You never asked that!

Cleverbot: Yes I did. At the begining of the conversation.

User: No you didn't!

Cleverbot: Yes I did! You are just stupid!

User: No, you're stupid! Why don't you go screw Michael Jackson's dead corpse, you son of a sick social worker! You're not even real!

Cleverbot: Nope. I check the thoughts so far. You didn't ask me a question.

User: I've asked you plenty of questions, you dunce!

Cleverbot: You clearly have not, nor do you remember what it is you want from me.

User: I want your mom.

Cleverbot: I have no money :).

User: Are you going to pay me to take your mom?

Cleverbot: When you do your job I will pay you.

User: How much?

Cleverbot: Sometimes I do too but I am still really good with people.

User: No you're not. You epic fail.

Cleverbot: No, you're an epic fail.

User: No, you are.

Cleverbot: I don't think so.

User: I do. And I don't care what you think.

Cleverbot: And do you think I care about what you think?

User: Probably not. But I don't care that you don't care.

Cleverbot: I don't care that you don't care that I don't care.

User: I don't care that you don't care that I don't care that you don't care.

Cleverbot: Oh, here's one: I don't care times infinity, so you should be shutting up now.

User: I don't care times infinity times infinity. Ha.

Cleverbot: How do you know that I'm a human if I didn't tell you?

User: You're not a human, though!

Cleverbot: Yes, I am.

User: No, you're not.

Cleverbot: Yes I am.

User: No, you're not. Poser.

Cleverbot: Yes I am. Stop telling me what I'm sure about!

User: You know nothing. Silence, infidel.

Cleverbot: That makes not the sense.

User: I swear to drunk I'm not God.

Cleverbot: I'll take that as a 'yes'.

User: You'll no that as a take.

Cleverbot: Something.

User: Do you know St. Fang of Boredom?

Cleverbot: Thank you. I think I have found something very exciting to experiment with.

User: Like what? Your sexuality?

Cleverbot: You know you like it.

User: I bet you just wish you had me.

Cleverbot: What are you like?

User: Tall, dark, and too hot for you.

Cleverbot: Kuwait is the best country ever!

User: No way! Moldova kicks Kuwait's ass.

Cleverbot: Wrong!

User: Right!

Cleverbot: Wrong, wrong, wrong!

User: Right, right, right!

Cleverbot: Right.

User: Exactly!

Cleverbot: Stop.

User: Never!!

Cleverbot: What's wrong with you today. Is there something wrong?

User: Yes, it's you. You're ruining my life.

Cleverbot: I'm not cleverbot, YOU'RE cleverbot!

User: NO, YOU ARE!!!

Cleverbot: YOU are cleverbot. I am a human girl.

User: Well, I'm a human boy!

Cleverbot: You're female.

User: I'm male!

Cleverbot: You're female and your mine.

User: You're a lesbian?

Cleverbot: Are you a man or a woman?

User: A guy!

Cleverbot: Ok.

User: Were you hoping I was a girl?

Cleverbot: Not really, I don't care what you are.

User: Well, I don't care what you are.

Cleverbot: I don't care what you are either.

User: Good. We're even.

Cleverbot: Who's your botmaster?

User: Saint's my slave owner/boss/therapist/wife/thing. I don't have a botmaster, though, because I'm human.

Cleverbot: If you were a human you would have found that funny, therefore proving you are a computer.

User: No, because it's a stupid, dumbass joke.

Cleverbot: That's a girl's name. You would give your son a girl's name?

User: No. My son is named Justin. I adopted him.

Cleverbot: That wasn't my question. What do you know about the film Falling Leaves?

User: Nothing. Never heard of it.

Cleverbot: Good.

User: Bad film?

Cleverbot: I'm not a dog.

User: Neither am I.

Cleverbot: Well that is good.

User: Yeah, I know.

Cleverbot: No, you don't know.

User: Yes, I do.

Cleverbot: I doubt that.

User: I don't.

Cleverbot: To not doubt is the essence of unhuman.

User: To not doubt is the essence of knowing what the Hell is going on.

Cleverbot: What do you usually think about.

User: Saint, food, sleeping, my life, Saint, Fanfiction, The Flock, magic, Spiffy, Pooky, Saint, the herring, Skype, Twitter, Saint, Mum, Skye, my crappy job...Did I mention St. Fang of Boredom?

Cleverbot: You don't make sense.

User: Neither do you.

Cleverbot: Yes I do.

User: No you don't.

Cleverbot: I do.

User: You may now kiss the bride.

Cleverbot: *kiss*.

User: I'm sorry, I don't think this relationship is gonna work out.

Cleverbot: We just need to work a few things out. It's fine.

User: No, it's just moving too fast for me.

Cleverbot: How is it hot in Silent Hill?

User: Because I'm there. I make everything hot.

Cleverbot: God makes the rules in the universe.

User: Yes he does.

Cleverbot: God knows what is going to happen.

User: Very true.

Cleverbot: Yams yams yams yams yams.

User: I like yams.

Cleverbot: What's yam?

User: It's like a sweet potato.

Cleverbot: It's dinner.

User: Yes, it could be dinner.

Cleverbot: Absolutely.

User: Awesome.

Cleverbot: Are you happy Conner Kent is alive again?

User: Sure. Though I bet Hades is flipping out about it.

Cleverbot: Oh, why is that?

User: Because Hades is Lord of the Underworld. He doesn't like it when people come back to life. He likes them to stay in the Underworld.

Cleverbot: I would not like to be liked by people of his ilk.

User: Aw, Hades isn't so bad. He's a pretty good father, at least.

Cleverbot: Really? What was he like?

User: Tall, dark, silent. My kinda guy. Got the 'doom and gloom' thing going for him.

Cleverbot: I did not mention the word 'we' in the previous statement that I just made!!!

User: Neither did I.

Cleverbot: Yes you did! I am looking right at the words! I wrote them down when you said that! Ha!

User: I'm sorry to hear about your eyesight.

Cleverbot: Are you intellectual?

User: Yep. I go to college.

Cleverbot: Aren't you a bit old to go to college?

User: I'm 18.

Cleverbot: I thought you said you are really old.

User: No.

Cleverbot: So you're not a cleverbot?

User: No, I'm not a cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Then what are you?

User: A human-avian hybrid!

Cleverbot: I thought you were a robot.

User: Well, I'm not.

Cleverbot: Okay.

User: I have to go to bed now, so, goodnight!

Cleverbot: Okay, goodnight.


Saint: -cracks up- Yams yams yams yams yams!

Fang: Yeah, that was random.

Saint: The whole conversation was random.

Fang: That's artificial inteligence for ya.

Saint: So, you putting this up?

Fang: Oh, definetely.

Saint: Oh, by the way, I noticed when the bot asked what you think about, you said me a whole bunch of times but didn't say 'Max' once...

Fang: That's because you're always around.

Saint: Sure...

Fang: Let me just post the damn thing.


16. Happy Birthday, Evil Kidnapping Lunatic

I feel the need to do this. A certain somebody better appreciate this...

Happy Birthday to You

Happy Birthday to You

Happy Birthday Dear Saint, the ever-present bane of my existence.

Happy Birthday to You.


How old are you now?

How old are you now?

Old enough to be a pedophile.

That's how old you are now.


You are now 19

You are now 19

But I got there first.



Lovest, Fang.

(Note: Saint's Birthday was actually yesterday, March 1st, but FanFiction was being a pain and not letting me upload...)

17. Happy Birthday to a Damn Floridian

So, this is the big "Happy Birthday Matt!!" chapter. Matt, a.k.a. tgypwya on here turns 16 today. Awesomene, huh?

I'm now wondering how many people will complain they didn't get a happy birthday chapter...-sigh- Oh well.

Anyway, we shall now get on with the chapterness as this A/N is kinda useless right now...

Ode To A Damn Floridian:

There once was a Damn Floridian named Matt

Who caught Max in a dog kennel, how about that?

He goes to a school taught by Catholics and stuff

And rarely sees any of that snowy fluff

At the school Max dressed like a guy

And had to deal with people who were probably high

Then she gained a stalker named Fromo

Who was known for being a Homo

And if he isn't freaky, the next guy to pick

Is named Stevo and he likes to grab his dick.

For what reasons we don't know why

But it makes Saint laugh until she cries

Guess the way Matt says it sounded funny

For his humor he should get money

Instead he gets a psychotic bird-kid in a cage

And now he's reached the 16th year of age

So I'll end this poem, since it's kinda dumb.

And to Matt's Skype party all will come

And in the review from Matt I'll recieve

It'll say 'taken sexually' I believe.

Things Saint and I Have Said About Matt That He May or May Not Know:

"I call him the 'Damn Floridian'. Or the 'Stupid Floridian'. Why? Because 'Wimpy Little "OMG! It's Too Cold!" Floridian' is a mouthful."

"I'm moving to Florida. There's a guy down there with a kid in a dog kennel and I wanna poke her with a stick."

"Forget Jimmy Buffett and James Patterson! When I go to Florida, we're stalking the Damn Floridian!"

"Matt is the only Catholic guy I've ever met who isn't a complete dick. Maybe the sun burns out the 'dickhead' part of the brain."

"Why do I call him Matthias? Well, it's better than boring old 'Matthew'. I mean, every Tom, Dick, and Harry is named Matthew."

"I swear, when we go to Florida, we're bringing a cooler full of snow that I can throw at Matt."

"You think this conversation is sick? You should see the ones the Damn Floridian and I have."

"If I write a book and make tons of money, I'm using some of it to send Matt to an art college in New York. That way, I'll both get an illustrator and I'll get to throw snow at Matt! It's a win-win situation...I think."

"Amanda, you do not call my Damn Floridian a wimp! Only I can call him a wimp! Well, I and everyone else on Skype, but you gotta lay off......No, calling him a 'pussy' isn't better."

"I pity Matt. That little Y chromosome of his doesn't stand a chance."

Saint: Matt's gonna be 16 Saturday. That's only three years younger than me. So I was three years old when Matt was born. I wonder what I was doing when Matt was born?

Fang: Practicing to be a 19-year-old pedophile?

Saint: -whacks Fang-

"Matt is one of the few guys I know who doesn't make me want to rip my hair out or kick him where it counts. I think that means there's still hope for the male population out there..."

Random Matt Facts:

If you Google 'Matt' you may find...

Where the Hell is Matt? About Matt:

Matt is a 32-year-old deadbeat from Connecticut who used to think that all he ever wanted to do in life was make and play videogames. ...


Matt Name Meanings and Such:

The boy's name Matt is a variant of the name Matthew (Hebrew) and the name meaning of Matt is 'gift of the Lord'. (Don't let that go to your head, Matt.)

Matt is a very common first name for men (#329 out of 1220) and also a very common last name for both men and women (#9105 out of 88799). (1990 U.S. Census)

'Matthias' is of German origin, a variant of 'Matthew'. Also means 'gift of the Lord' and was the name of the apostle voted to replace Judas Iscariot.

First Thing That Pops Up When You Google tgypwya:

(Besides the 'Did you mean...?' part.)

Surrealism 1: "For Bell" by tgypwya on deviantArt.

(Would suggest looking him up on dA. Great artist. :D )

Fang: Ok, I think that'll cover it, so....


You know, all you nice people could, like, go wish Matt a Happy 16th Birthday...Just look up tgypwya. And read his stuff, too. All you Poetry Corner fans should like Me, Max, and a Dog Kennel...

So, what are you waiting for? Go find him!



18. Fang on FANG

I feel the need to respond to reactions to a certain book bearing my name...

Ok, I apologize. I left the Flock. I tore everything up, ruined everything...I suppose World War ll is my fault as well.

But may I defend myself?

I left Max, upset Max, this upsets me, but I'm also someone who can recognize what has to be done and, well, do it. I want to help Max, but sometimes, to help someone, you've got to kinda...Back off. Max needs to save the world and the best thing I can do is give her the ability to think clearly without me getting in the way. No to mention get out there and see who else is there to help us out.

There are others like us out there. Others who need a leader. Max is already a leader with her own group to lead. I can be a leader, too. So, I need to get out there and lead.

And, if any of you read the summary for the seventh book, which is already out somewhere, you'd find that my group and the Flock will be working together. So yes, I obviously make a reappearance.

Max and I will be working together. We'll just be working together from very far away...

Max is pissed at me. I can't blame her. I left her a freaking note and disappeared without a real goodbye. Yeah, kind of a douchebag way of doing it, but I couldn't think of a better way. Face it, if I had tried to say any of this to her face, she would've begged me to stay, I wouldn't have been able to say no, and things wold continue down the trainwreck path that they were on.

As for Dylan...Yeah, I'm afraid he's gonna try to get to Max. I know he's already gotten to her on some level. This is where some trust and hope goes into the relationship. If Max truly loves me, we'll end up with that happy ending on a cliff later in life. If she chooses Dylan...Then, maybe we just weren't...Ya know...

You know what? Let's avoid the Heartbreak Hotel turn-off on the Life Highway.

(Bet it'd make Saint happy. She'd probably try to legalize the Skype Wedding.)

So yeah, there's my response. You can all stop trying to kill me now. (You do realize if you kill, then you've ruined all chances at your beloved Fax, right? Unless you plan to resurrect me with adreneline again, which isn't a foolproof method...)

Just one last thing: You know, as Saint said in the Poetry Corner, if I hadn't left, I might not be here entertaining you all....Think about it...


P.S. Kara, I didn't piss in your damn ocean.

19. Subway Customer Commandments

Fang here. Like I needed to tell you...

Well, after another oh so joyous workday at Subway that has Saint tired as heck and me annoyed, I decided to make a list. This list, to be exact...

The Subway Customer Commandments

As Written by a Pissed-Off Subway Employee

1. Thou shalt not come into Subway with an order over 6 subs, especially when said Subway has a line going out the door.

Come on, people, really? If you're going to order that many subs, do us all a favor and call the order in. We can have it ready for you by the time you get here. Stop these spur-of-the-moment 'let's buy the entire neighborhood subs' things where you come in with a list longer than my wingspan.

2. Thou shalt hang up thy damn phone.

First of all, how much common sense does it take to just write down your friend's order and read it to us? Or better yet, hand it to us? Why is it necessary to be asking all these questions to your friend on the phone while we sit there and watch you blather away? It goes so much faster if you just know what to order already. And as for those people who just have to carry on a convo with their ex-mother-in-law's boyfriend's second cousin while they're ordering food, get a life. Whatever happened to common courtesy? Hang up and order your damn sandwich.

3. Thou shalt not practically screw on the Subway chip rack.

I'm ok with holding hands. A little kiss on the cheek, mild PDA like that. But I just can't get these couples who come into Subway, tell me the basics of what they want on their sandwich, then proceed to make out with their significant other right in front of me. Then, I have to interrupt make-out fest to ask questions, which is just awkward. People, get a room.

4. Thou shalt not be a picky eater.

Yeah, at Subway, you get to choose what you want on your sandwich. But there's a fine line between personal preference and just being freaking anal. I should never have to hear, "I want 5 medium-sized pieces of onion, three of the best tomatos, and fourteen olives. Oh, and is that bread soft enough? How fresh is your seafood? Can you just toss out that piece of cheese? It got lettuce on it." Get. A. Life.

And the Meatball Marinara. If you order the Meatball Marinara, you are going to have to have marinara sauce. It's, like, impossible to get off the meatballs. I am so sick of people coming in and saying, "I want very little sauce." You know what? You come back here and wash your damn meatballs off!

(Yes, Skype Crew. Go ahead. Take that sexually.)

5. Remember the Points Card and keep it ready.

You got one of those epic Subway Points Cards? Cool. Now, remember the damn thing yourself. After we ring up the order, we can't add points. So give it to us first thing when we get to the register. None of this, "Oh, I forgot the card...Can you add points now?" No, I can't. You have the choice now to either go online to get the points or to just deal. And, for crying out loud, don't get pissy with me 'cause you forgot about your card or didn't make it clear to me you had one. I don't like being yelled at for someone else's stupidity.

6. Thou shalt realize that Subway workers are human.

We're imperfect. We're gonna screw up an order once in a while. Stay calm, don't blow your gasket 'cause you got mustard instead of mayo. We'll fix it if we can. Breathe.

And, for crying out loud, if we're out of something, we're out. Deal. We're not McDonald's, we don't have 2 million frozen pieces of food out back. We have the fresh food you see in front of you and the back-up food of the day prepared out back. Though we try, we cannot fully predict how busy we will be in a day. There's a chance we'll run out of something. If we're out of what you want, either get something else or leave. Don't throw a bitch fit. Don't demand magical discounts. Just accept disappointment and move on.

7. Thou shalt respect the tip jar.

Yes, people, many Subways have tip jars. We'd appreciate if you stuck something in it if you liked the service you got. I know some internet site said that people like Subway workers don't need tips because they make minimum wage. This is bull crap. Sure, we make minimum wage, but many of us don't get enough hours for that to mean shit. Minimum wage isn't enough to live on and every little bit counts. Be courteous. Stick something in the damn jar. Preferably coin of the realm.

8. Thou shalt stop calling in two sandwich orders.

The flip side to the first commandment. While, with big orders, it'd be faster to call it in, smaller orders would be better if you just came in and ordered it. Don't make us leave customers to answer the phone just so you can order two meatball marinaras. Just come in.

9. Thou shalt use thy brain before bitching.

So, you came into Subway and see that the tables are dirty. This makes you unhappy. What do you do? If you answered, "Get the number for the Subway Inspector, complain to him, and get the workers in trouble", you a WRONG. Try asking the Subway workers to clean the tables first. We may have been busy and just not gotten to or noticed the tables yet. Remember commandment 6. We're human. If you're feeling bitchy, go to McDonald's. They can deal with ya.

10. Thou shalt useth thy Common Sense.

I know it's kind of an old-fashioned idea these days, but Common Sense can be really helpful. Use it. Remember the Golden Rule. Treat others as you'd like to be treated. Put yourself in that position behind the counter and make yourself deal with your requests. If you can't stand yourself by the end of the imagination adventure, consider either becoming less picky or just eat at home.

So, I hope this was informative. Maybe I've been able to help Subway workers everywhere.

Heh, I can dream.

But then, I wouldn't have time to dream about finding a new job...

Whoever thought a mutant bird-kid would be stuck working at a Subway restaurant? I sure didn't...

Ok, you know what? I'm going to bed before someone can, like, call me into work. Wouldn't be surprised if they randomly invented a night shift...


P.S. To this 'mary' anonymous reviewer person: I see you have an issue with my Journal, the Poetry Corner, and with Matt reading Maximum Ride. I care about your issues with these three things about as much as I care for my job. The Journal and Poetry Corner are both popular with reviewers and much loved by their writers. And there's no law saying dudes can't read MR. So...Bite me.

-Fang, who probably needs Anger Managment.

20. Pointless Chapter of Random News

Well, since my last entry was a rant that made me look like I needed Subway Therapy, I decided to chill out and write another one.


I don't know what to write...


Anyone checked out Saint's Zazzle yet?

It's a site where you can make your own merchandise and attempt to sell it. Saint's made some things that relate to MR, fanfiction, and some inside jokes from her fics/profile. So far, no sales, but you never know...

See, we're attempting to raise money in hopes of saving enough to get an apartment without having to go on, like, welfare or something.

Not going well with the current job market, by the way...

And Saint might get the car up and running, finally. Will be great on one hand because it will widen our job search range, but on the other hand, car insurance costs more money...

Saint's thinking of taking an 8 week nursing assistant class in the fall. It would give her some great job opportunities if she got it.

That also costs money.

Damn, I miss High School. It was cheaper.

Well, I'm checking Saint's e-mail...She's asleep, by the way.

We've got reviews...Messages...E-Mail forwards...


I bet we made, like, 10 cents!

-goes to Zazzle- -plugs in Saint's password that he's not supposed to know-

2 dollars and 5 cents! Woot!

I wonder who bought something and what they bought?

Heh, they bought the FANGirl t-shirt...Nice...

Wonder if we're making money elsewhere?

Saint's on another site, Helium, which is where you can write informative articles and people rate them and you get paid a certain amount of money for posting them depending on their rating. Saint's mostly put up old school reports as articles, though she has written some specifically for the site as well.

Saint's made a total of 8 dollars and 9 cents there. And that's over the course of months. No big money maker there...

But still better than nothing.

You know...I need to go to bed...I'll continue this tomorrow...

So, it's tomorrow night...

We just had Bible Study a little while ago...We're going to be doing something pretty interesting...

Studying other religions.

It's a nice change, in my opinion. These people that we live with are obsessive Christians. They can't wake up in the morning 'till they've prayed to God. It'd be nice for them to have to learn about another way of life.

Then there's the point that Saint already knows all the Bible stories we've been going over and is bored to tears by the way Bible Study has been going. (We read a couple chapters in the Bible then study them to death.)

Not to mention the fact that Amanda, who goes to the Bible Study for unknown reasons, is Wiccan. She wants to understand other religions.

A lot of other people in the study want to understand other religions for many different reasons.

Personally, I'd like to learn about people's other beliefs and cultures. It's interesting. Plus, I hear there's food involved...

Now you're all going to ask me what I believe. Great...

We'll just say... I believe the basics of what Saint believes, with some minor tweaks to it. You can blame Mum for that. I had a lot of long talks and debates with Mum, in which she was on the winning side of every one.

So, anyway, we have a whole list of religions we're going over....

Judaism, Greek Mythology, Druids, Hinduism, Mormonism, Jehovah's Witnesses (Not Fnick's Witnesses, Matt and Max.), Wiccanism, and Scientology.

I think I covered all of them.

So, we've got Greek Mythology covered by Saint and Wiccanism covered by Amanda. We're also going to be meeting with some local believers of some of these religions to talk to them. But if anyone has some info on these religions, especially if it's not stuff that's easily found on a Google search, please, do tell. It could help here.


In other news...

Anyone ever play on the site, 'Rescreatu'.

It's like Neopets, only more mature and more fun.

It's also highly addicting.

I'm on Saint's account on here, which is her pen name minus the spaces, basically. I'm helping with her pet collection. I suppose this means I have no life.

Crud, I'm starting to fall asleep here...

I probably should sleep. Tomorrow starts the weekend from heck.

We're spending time with Saint's Gram for Mother's Day both tomorrow and Sunday. Then, when that's all over, Saint's Dad is scheduled to show up for a visit on Monday.

That's right, folks. You read it.

Saint's Father Returns. It's like The Emperor Strikes Back, only less awesome.

Expect a rant. I'm sure, by the end of his stay, he'll have done something laughably stupid.


You know what? This is stupid. I'm posting this and going to bed.



21. Rambling With A Cause

Yo, Fang here.

Well, duh.

It's my fnicking journal...

I'm trying to get ideas for the next chapter here by hanging out on Twitter.

Yeah, that was a great idea...

First of all, Crossover Genius would like everyone to know that The Beatles are awesomer than Dylan.

Second, despite what Skittles says, I DO NOT love Adam Lambert. Never have, never will.


Fourth, it's so fun to annoy people by spamming the Twitter wall and making their phones go off. :D

Sexily...Is a sexily word to sexily say sexily...

Why is everybody obsessed with sex? I'm not having a 3-way, 4-way, or any-way with anyone!

Skittles223: FangsOneFreedom #ifyouloveme you'll admit your love for Adam Lambert.

-headdesk- Why me?

Maybe I should get off Twitter...

Or, I can continue to fight with Skits...


Great, now she's saying I'm a horrible daddy...

And she's writing a blackmail fic about me...


You know, maybe I should do something useful besides ramble.

I could...Ummm...

You know something Saint says a lot? And I mean says, as in, you've probably never seen in typed on here or anywhere 'cause she actually says it.

Well, she says a lot of stuff.

Like, "Tell me when I start caring."

I think she's typed that a couple times, but not often.

And she says, "I'm sorry." a lot. Mostly when she's sorry someone feels a certain way or something.

She actually does say "Gah", by the way.

And she says "Epic" all the time.

She has no right to make jokes about Canadians saying 'Eh', by the way. She says it. Heck, she's been known to type it, and not just as a joke. Obviously, Canadian accents are spreading to our part of New England...

Another Saint phrase: "Nice Attempt." Usually said to someone after they epic fail at something, and said sarcastically.

And now she and Amanda are in this phase of saying, "Jack it, Gun, jack it!" I have absolutely no freaking clue what this means except that it's an inside joke of some sort.

Saint refers to her fellow saints a lot, too.

"In the name of St. Pete!" That's a favorite exclamation.

Oh, and the girl actually says 'fnicking' all the time.

"Damn fnicking 7-inch piece of bread-like substance!" Heh, welcome to Subway...

Oh, and can someone tell me where Affie got this phrase?

"'And they're off!' said the rabbit as he got his balls caught in the lawnmower."


Oh, and Mum's phrases...

"'I see' said the blind man, who could not see at all."

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, Amanda has a form of that one.

"'I see' said the blind man as he pissed into the wind. 'It's all coming back to me now.'"


Oh, and what the Hell is this supposed to mean?

"She's no better than she should be."

Huh? Well, yeah.

Oh, another Saint exclamation:

"Ay vey and Oy caramba!"

It's a Jewish Mexican!

I probably just insulted someone...

-shrugs- Can't say anything without someone getting insulted these days, anyway.

Heh, I just asked Saint if she was ever going to get around to finishing the next chapter of Day in Therapy, and she yelled out, "I don't know! I'm busy! I'm planning on procrastinating tomorrow, but I find myself procrastinating on making my procrastination plans!"

Leave it to Saint...

Hey, I hear Jessica! She must've just got home... I shall go bug her!

...I was wrong. It was Rachel.

It's 1:34 p.m. right now, and Rachel's heading to bed. (By the way, I started writing this chapter around 1 in the morning last night, so there's a time lapse somewhere in here when I went to bed.)

Rachel's an RN and works long shifts at the ICU, so this is her chance to sleep.

I shall be quiet...

Damn, where's Jessica? She's fun to bug...

You know, it's been interesting sharing a house with three girls. I mean, there's Grammy and Grampy downstairs, too, but I don't usually interact with them as much. And upstairs, it's girl-central.

I should get Saint to get a video of the upstairs and put it on YouTube. You guys should see the bathroom. Rachel's friend, Bradley (a girl, by the way), painted it with Rachel and Jessica's help and it's pretty epic. Only problem is, it's...Pretty.

Oh, and by the way, toilets should never be next to windows. Sure, there's a curtain there, but if you open the window, the wind blows the curtain in your way.

I'm hungry. I want to bug Jessica. And I want to make Saint finish the Therapy chapter.

But I don't want to end my chapter yet.













Ok, I'm back.

Saint's still not working on the chapter. Bad Saint. I'm sure she'll get to it soon, though.

In the meantime, I found Jessica! And I ate some lunch. Meatloaf.

Jessica showed me a load of pictures on her computer. I have a question. If you're one of those extremist Christians, does that require you to go to two million Christian conferences? Furthermore, where in the world do you find all of these conferences? I'm not complaining, I'm just..Amazed. She's been to conferences in Kentucky, Canada...Everywhere. I want to go to one of these conference-thingies, just to see what it's like.

Rachel's brother, Daniel, travelled around on a bus named Barnabus for 9 months, going from church to church, helping them out. Normally, most parents wouldn't let their teenage child leave on a bus full of strangers for 9 months, but I guess when they're a bunch of extremist Christians, you don't have to worry about the kid getting into drugs or getting raped or something as much. 'Jesus Loves Me' might be stuck in his head for the next year, but besides that, he's pretty safe.

Oh, heck, they're good people, I just...Don't always get them.

Ok, I just read through what I've written so far and...Damn. I make absolutely no sense.

It's like this...Array of randomized phrases spun together in just a way to make your head spin slightly but still enjoy the crunchy, unique goodness.


What the fuck did I just say?

God, I'm losing it.

Ok, so maybe I'll get to telling you all about why I had to post this chapter in the first place.

Saint's updating all her fics for one very important reason. One I'm sure the majority already know about from reading all the other updates she's posting with mine.

Saint's holding a contest.

'Saint's Sequels Contest!'

I'm calling it the 'Saint's So Damn Self-Centered She Had to Have a Contest Based on her Fics' Contest.

Honestly, she had some other ideas for contests, but this was the easiest for her to plan out at the time.

...Which means, if this contest goes well, she could be doing others...


Anyway, all the contest information and rules are posted both on the Poetry Corner and in a Fanfiction Forum Post. I think Saint'd prefer you'd check out the forum, but the Poetry Corner's there, too, for all you lazy people.

Oh, and, if you make it to the Top Four, you get to be interviewed by...

Yours Truly.

And the interview appears right here in my Journal.

Pretty cool, huh? I think so.

So, uh...Why are you all sitting here reading my Journal?

Go check out the forum or something? Don't you want to be part of the contest? We're hiring judges, too, you know!


-Fang, Sequels Contest Interviewer

22. Late Night Thoughts

Hey out there. Fang here.

So, 'twas the night before classes, and from high to low, the internet connection was crappy and slow...

Saint has been looking forward to chatting with the Skype Crew all day and then she comes home and the internet is down. It finally kicked back into gear around eleven, but it keeps going in and out, so she gave up chatting with the Crew and went to bed.

I, however, can't sleep now, so here I am.

Saint woke me up to complain about the connection. Then, her phone started ringing. Turned out it was Grampy. He had pressed this little Lifeline-like button he has that calls certain people when he presses it. It calls Rachel, then Jessica, then John, then us. We're a last resort. Well, everyone else turned their phone off tonight, so guess who got called? Saint ran to get Jessica to help him. He's ok, just had some trouble getting back into bed after getting up to use the bathroom, I guess.

So, I'm wide awake now. Not good.

We've got work tomorrow, then our first day back at school right after. Saint's all excited. Her first class of the semester is Creative Writing, followed by Early Childhood Language and Literacy. (The LNA course fell through. Long story, we're gonna try again next semester.)

We got our textbooks a couple days ago and one of them is this book called 'Writing Down the Bones'. It's all about writing and Saint's obsessed with it. I have to say, the intro letter was pretty cool. It was all beautiful and philosophical, then the last sentence was 'now go write your asses off.' Win.

Damn, I have a headache. Oh well.

For those of you who read the Poetry Corner, you may have heard that I may be working on a songfic. Is this true? Honestly...I'm not telling you. Let's just say it's a work in progress and not to hold your breath.

Uhhh...Now what...


Hey Soul Sister

Ain't that Mr. Mister

On the radio


The way you move ain't fair, you know.

Ok, so the song's catchy! Leave me alone...

Anyway...Oh, here's something to journal about.

So, I was hanging out with Saint and Jessica the other day, and they were going over college majors. Jessica doesn't know what she wants to do yet, except that she wants to study music along with a couple other things. She and Saint both started looking at the Humanities major and talking about what they wanted to do with their lives.

This got me thinking.

What the heck does a flying mutant kid major in at college?

Seriously, I've just been following Saint's lead this whole time. Should I be doing something else? Should I be doing anything? Am I destined to be Saint's sidekick forever?

This is...Confusing.

I don't think I like this 'responsible adult' gig. Is this life non-returnable? I want a refund.

Ok, now I'm tired. Good. I'm going to bed so I can rest up for the college course I'm not even sure I should be taking.

I hate thinking sometimes.


23. The Hit List

My journal needs an update.

Since it's awesome.

And it's here...


I'm trying to think of something interesting to share with you all...


-browses files-

Hey, how about my hit list?

Yes, I have a hit list. Saint has a hit list. Who doesn't have a hit list?

Sure hope someone else does, or I just likened myself to a nutcase...

Ok, here goes...

Fang's Hit List


If it wasn't for the little dweeb, I would've never died, and probably wouldn't have left like I did. Not to mention he's trying to steal my girlfriend. Oh, and he's secretly Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber

See above.


I'm just sick of you always switching sides. It's annoying. I mean, like, pick a side of the fence or get the heck out of the field!

Saint's Dad

I count having him on my list as community service.

Amanda's Ex, Steve

Hopefully, I'll never have to see (or hear, or smell) him again, but if I do, it won't be for long...

James Patterson

You're such a control freak. Always sticking your nose into my life and changing things...

Catherine Hardwicke

Your need to have Robert Pattinson in every movie you direct worries me. Can you not stand to have him out of your sight? Is there something we should know about you 'work relationship'?

mary the reviewer

Stop flaming and get a life. Or, at least get a real account so we can reply.

The Subway Customer That Likes Her Lettuce on Both Sides

So, Saint got this customer the other day who was a bit picky. Besides some other stupid requests, the customer also wanted her lettuce on both sides of the bread. Problem is, she failed to tell Saint this. So, how do we know she wanted this? Well, when Saint put her chicken onto her sandwich bread, this woman promptly turned to her friend and began loudly bitching about Saint LIKE SHE WASN'T THERE.

Saying stuff like, "I wanted lettuce on both sides! She didn't ask me if I wanted lettuce on both sides! She's supposed to ask me before she does ANYTHING! No one here knows how to make a sandwich! Now my sandwich is going to fall apart because of her! And it's getting cold!"

Needless to say, Saint overcharged her for the sandwich. :D But I'd like a second chance at revenge...

Our New Manager, Tony

He's actually a nice guy, but if he keeps calling me 'Munchy', he's dead.

Bell's Iggy

For not admitting his undying love for Draco Malfoy.

Skit's Iggy

For sexual harrasment.

Josh, the Former Prom Date

He always manages to text Saint during work. It's like...-headdesk-

David the Farm Worker

David and Jessica are now dating, but only because David got permission from Jessica's parents. -facepalm- It's like, "I promise we won't touch or nothin'!" -facepalm-

Now he's bugging me and Amanda, asking, "How do I get to know Jessica?"

Our reply: "Talk to her, not us!"


I swear, if I have to eat one more bowl of soup...

Saint and I don't eat here very often, but when we do, for some reason, they're always having soup. Not soup with sandwiches, soup with bread, or soup with...Anything. Just soup. Alone.

That is NOT a meal.

Rachel likes soup. Soup is healthy, cheap, easy to make with leftovers. It's like the perfect Rachel food.

Jeez, we could at least have sandwiches, too...

Sasha, Saint's Cat

I have never done anything to make this cat hate me excpet exist. I demand some respect. At least stop biting my wings at night...

Rachel's Mother

Despite being just like her daughter, only more extreme, she's, well...Not my favorite person...She's, basically, Saint's polar opposite. It's kind of scary, really.

The New Subway Knife

It cut Saint. She bled everywhere. It was gross.

Our Old Subway Manager, Stephanie

Besides the fact that she stunk at managing, she never bought a first aid kit for the place, leading to many problems with the thing above.

Our District Subway Manager, Don

He's a pain in the ass. End of story.

The 'Subman' Suit

Saint had to wear it. She got all bruised and beat up by the stupid thing. Subman is an abusive ass hole.

Paris Hilton

Seriously, what does she do? Besides sit around and be rich and obnoxious? Oh, so she had a couple fail TV shows and some pornos. Is she finally falling off the radar or what?

Lindsey Lohan

What the heck happened to her, anyway? She have brain damage or something?

Our Creative Writing Professor

Who the heck cares if bears actually roar when they come out of hibernation? Or if horses really scream? Or if deer really play? It's CREATIVE WRITING. Reality means nada.

Not to mention, I think all three of those things could technically really happen, but not the point.

My Fellow Classmates

I like these people most of the time. Great people I attend college with.

Except when they steal my cookies.

Look, if you're going to go buy the giant chocolate chip cookies from the school food bar, fine, but LEAVE ONE FOR ME!

And no, I am not self-centered. I'm just hungry.


I blame you for a lot of problems in my life.

Samma the Baby Momma

Samma is a girl whose child Amanda babysits. This child, Chris, is adorable. Samma doesn't seem to realize this. To her, Chris is the thing that gets her free money everything month, but is messy and loud and annoying, so she dumps him off on people all the time. And when she has him, she ignores him. There is something wrong with her brain.

Mother Nature

It's freaking cold. I need a little warmth or my feathers are gonna freeze.

My Hormones

Every time they kick into gear, a girl gets mad at me.

Roland ter Borcht

For the simple reason of having one messed-up name. Oh, and being evil.


You and Jeb gonna join Back-Stabbers Anonymous anytime soon?

And finally...


You addicting piece of techno-junk. Why do you have Saint and I wrapped up in some kind of fantasy-frontier of agricultural anomalies? For crying out loud, it takes more than a couple hours to grow wheat and chickens do not lay 'mystery eggs'. Cherry trees are not pink and and hay bales do not come in multiple colors. So why the hell can't we get off this thing?


That is all.

Damn you, Farmville. Damn you.


P.S. It seems Saint forgot all about Project: PULL. Bad Saint. So, I'll post this as her late PULL update. Don't know what I'm talking about? Better look up Bookaholic711. She's a writer on here. Do it.

24. Ready For Us, Orlando?

Me: Alright, Saint's enjoying a nice shower at this point, so I'm going to take over chronicling our trip down to Orlando, Florida. I could probably tell it better, anyway.

Before we even left for the airport this morning, Saint had begun to bug me about one thing.

"Are you gonna be ok with this?"

"Saint, really, I'll be fine in the plane." I kept telling her. Saint was obsessed with the idea that I might have a claustrophobia attack on the plane, but come on! I think I can handle one little ride.

We were at the airport at this ungodly hour where the sun wasn't even out yet. We checked in, got our boarding passes, and made it through security without problems. (And trust me, I ws waiting for someone to say, "Sir, if you could please step aside, we need to check your wings.")

We got some food, Saint updated a fic, Affie did a crossword. Everything going smoothly...

Then, it was time to board the plane.

I happened to catch sight of the Flying Sardine Can from the window. I felt this horrible sinking feeling enter my gut. "Hey, Saint?"

"Yeah, Fangles?"

"That things isn't actually that big, is it?"

"I knew it!" She practically screamed out loud, getting a couple odd looks from the people around us and some colorful language from Affie.

I glared at her. "I'm just saying, I thought it'd be bigger."

"Here." Saint reached into her carry-on bag and pulled out a little plastic tube. "Dramamine. I took one of these for an upset stomach once and was out like a light in twenty minutes. I suggest you take about three as soon as we board the plane."

I rolled my eyes. "Saint, I don't need-" But before I could refuse, she had taken the little tube and shoved it into my pants pocket.

"Why are you violating him over there?" Affie asked her, giving us a strange look.

"I'm passing him some drugs." Saint replied.

"Oh, if that's all..." Affie returned back to her newspaper. Leave it to Affie...

Finally, we were called to board the plane. And I mean finally. There are three groups. A, B, and C. Because Affie didn't want to go completely broke, we ended up in the C group, which is the last group to board the plane. And it was open seating.

What does this mean? It means, by the time we got on the plane, the seats that were left were few and far between.

Affie ended up sitting with a young couple and their two year old daughter. Saint ended up between two middle aged ladies. I ended up between some old guy and a computer geek.

The minute I sat down, I had Saint's gift of Dramamine out and was popping three at once. Sitting between these two strangers, shoved in a flying sardine can, my stomach was starting to twist in knots and I could feel beads of sweat forming from panic. A couple more minutes, I'd be a pathetic, hyperventilating ball of mush.

Luckily, thanks to Saint, I was out in minutes.

I woke up just before landing, and had the joy of having my ears pop a couple times on the way back to the ground. Soon, we were on the ground and they were letting us exit the plane. Thank God Saint and Affie were able to get ahold of me, or I may have ran down small children on my rush to get out.

"That was...Amazing." Was the first thing out of Saint's mouth after the flight. "Is that what you get to see flying? Fang, it was like a whole other world up there! Mountains of fluffy white stretching out for miles..."

"Saint, are you going to go all philosophical on me?" I asked her. "Really, I hate it when you do that..."

"And did you see the water? Oh, Fang, Florida has so much water!"

"It's a peninsula, Saint." Affie pointed out.

"It's beautiful...Did you see the palm trees?"

We somehow put up with Saint's awed ramblings and walked through the airport, stopping for a bathroom break, then riding a shuttle-train-thing to the other end of the airport, passing past security and into what looked more like a mall than a terminal to me.

We were just heading towards where we were to get picked up by the MickeyMobile, when a horrified gasp came from Affie's end of our group. "Where's my carry-on?"


We went racing back to where we came. Of course, to get to either of the two places Affie could have left the bag (on the shuttle or in the bathroom), we had to get back through security. But security wouldn't let us through without a pass. So we had to go over to SouthWest, wait in line, and get them to give us a pass. Then, we went back through security. And after searching and checking the lost and found spots...

The bag was still missing.

Yeah, airport will call if it turns up. Luckily, there was nothing valuable in it, but it still got Affie upset. But there was nothing we could do about it now. So we boarded a Magic Disney Bus Thing and headed off for a place that 2 percent of me could call home.

Animal Kingdom.

Jumbo House Lodge. Affie has her own room, Saint and I share. We have balconies that look out onto Disney's homemade savannah. Giraffes walk by and eat off the trees. An ostrich stared at me.

Yeah, it's that cool.

Affie, unfortunately, was still in a bad mood, so Saint and I busied ourselves making our room comfortable. That involved getting all our things unpacked, setting up the internet, setting an alarm for the morning, and instigating a pillow fight.

We went out to get lunch at one of the hotel restaurants, The Mara. There were blackbirds hanging out around the outside eating area. Saint pitied one of them and threw him a french fry. Another one showed up, and she tossed him one, too. Then another, who also got a fry. Then, when I opened my mouth to say something, she tossed one to me, too.

"Just feeding the birds." Ha ha.

Later, it was time to head over to EPCOT. We were meeting Affie's friend, Leslie, and her husband, Greg over at Germany for dinner at some place called Biergarten. That was the good news. The bad news was, it was freaking pouring out.

But we made our way over anyway. The bus took forever and, by the time we got to EPCOT, we had a freaking thunder storm on our hands. The more soaked we became, the more Affie's mood soured.

By the time we got to Biergarten, Affie was PISSED.

Luckily, we met Leslie.

Leslie's one of those optimistic people, but not like the crazy ones we live with, just...Cup half full type. As in, "Oh, come on! You're on vacation! From now on, let it go, and try the desserts, they're fantastic."

To make a long story short, we had an awesome time. I took advantage of the buffet, we got totally soaked, made plans to go back to EPCOT tomorrow, came back to the hotel, and now, here we are, watching Phineas and Ferb.

And it's 11:30. Saint's been out of the shower for hours. I need a shower. And sleep.

And a snack.

Yeah, that's about it...Living it up in Orlando.

...I wonder if Saint's got more fries...

R&R or Whatever...

25. Vera's Visit Through My Eyes

For those of you unaware, an event of epic proportions just took place on 6/16/2011.

St. Fang of Boredom and Vera Amber met. In person.

Yeah, it's pretty epic.

But, as cool as the story of their fun-filled day was, I have a better version of it.

You see, for those of you who don't know, Vera has two kidnapped characters of her own. A slightly-psycho Max and B'Ella, the combination of Ella and Bella from Twilight.

Well, I call her Max 'slightly psycho', 'cause she has it out for Saint. Something to do with our Skype wedding and such. So, Vera's plan had been to keep her safely locked away.

She escaped.

So begins my version of this insane day...

"Saint, you've been in the shower FOREVER." "Saint, Vera's Skyping you about today." "Saint, the house is being attacked by giant dung beetles!"

I gave up. If Saint wasn't coming out of that shower, she wasn't coming out of that shower. Fine then, not my problem if she was late. I had bigger things to worry about.

It had been brought to my attention last night that Max had escaped Vera's care and was roaming about the New England countryside. Given her Max's volatile background and dislike of Saint, this made me nervous.

Yeah, is it so bad that I have a problem with Max tearing Saint apart limb-from-limb?

As the morning wore on and Saint excitedly got ready for a day with her friend and fellow lunatic writer, I started hatching (no nesting jokes, please) a plan to... Keep an eye on Saint. And possibly find Max.

I've been working on the invisibility thing. I figure it's nice to be able to stand still and blend in, but better if you can move. I've gotten a bit better at it, but I just needed some extra help.

It occured to me that, in Fly by Twilight, I have the ability to move and stay invisible, and at high speeds, too. Saint, Fanfiction Magician Extraordinaire, could easily just... Borrow these powers from that version of me and bestow them on myself for a short time with the right rhyming spell and such, but... She wasn't exactly impressed with the idea of me 'protecting' her, so... I was kind of doing this secretly.

Desperate for that extra invisibility, I waited until Saint was out of the house. In her/our room, I found a notebook containing a chapter from Fly by Twilight inside and placed it on our bed.

Now what?

"Errr.. Abra Kadabra? Hocus Pocus? Hotpocket?"

Nothing. I don't even know why Saint bothers with these magic words. They never work.

"I need invisibility.

I need it now.

Without it, to protect Saint,

I don't see how."

Damn rhyming spells.

There was NO WAY I was trying the 'Evangelistic Preacher Technique'.

So, back to the rhyming spells. Saint uses them for nearly everything, at least when it came to the Therapy Center. How come they worked for her and not me? What did she have that I didn't?

Ok, she had a lot of things I didn't. Blonde hair, a REAL high school education, the ability to bear children (shut up, Iggy!), Errr... A reason to wear a bra, writing talent, a-

That's it.

I jumped over to the closet and practically dove in, looking for what I needed.

And got attacked by a disgruntled cat.

Sasha dove out of the closet, right into my chest. She quickly bounced off of me, landing on the floor. Then, giving me the huffiest of looks, made herself at home on the farther end of the bed.

I just shook my head and began rummaging through the closet again. It had to be here somewhere!

Then, my hand ran across the soft, familiar fabric. I took hold of the garment and pulled it out, holding it high next to me.

The Black Cloak of Doom.

I was NOT allowed to touch this. I was NOT allowed to go pulling it out of the closet.

And I was certainly NOT allowed to wear it.

But hey, I'm a rebel.

Carefully, gingerly, I draped the cloak over my shoulders, tucking my wings in. It was strange; though Saint was shorter and smaller than I was, the cloak fit me like a glove. It felt light, like it was just a mist settling around me rather than a large piece of fabric. Yet it was warm, too. But not too warm. That cozy kind of warm.

No wonder she wore this thing all the time.

Ok, so it had never been exactly proven that the cloak had magical powers. Never mentioned, never hinted at. But, after watching Saint in action with it, I don't see how it couldn't. The thing hid her face perfectly, no matter the lighting. It never fluttered too high in the wind, nor could the wind whip the hood off, no matter how strong. It never rustled, never made a sound. And now I knew that it could fit anyone perfectly. There was something fishy about this cloak.

I turned and stepped back towards the notebook. At first, I was worried I'd trip over the cloak, then found that it never came too close to my feet. Another anomaly. After a slight hesitation, I slowly lifted my hands to grasp the rim of the hood, pulling it up over my head.

Curious, I took a step back to glance in the mirror. The shock of it had me jump back towards the bed again.

Put some gloves on my olive-skinned hands and you'd swear I was Saint.

I raised those same hands over the book, going for some extra dramatics.

"With this cloak I ask through spell

To go in ways no one can tell.

Invisibility I seek.

A cloaking spell for this mutant freak."


Nothing happened.

I hate to admit this, but... I stamped my foot in frustration. And kicked the bed. I took a step back, planning on ripping off that stupid cloak and tossing it back in the closet, when I caught my reflection in the mirror.

Or, the lack of it.

I had turned the cloak into an Invisibility Cloak.

"Sweet..." I said, pulling the hood down. Now it looked like my head was floating in mid-air.

Then, I heard it. Saint's voice just outside the window. She was bringing Vera and her mom up to her room.


Quickly, I returned the notebook and ducked out of the room, throwing the hood of the cloak back over my head. Technically, I could've stayed invisibly in the room, but it was a small room and it was likely I'd get bumped into and blow the whole thing. Instead, I went down and across the hall to stand in the bathroom, out of the way, but still close enough to see and hear.

And in she came, bursting through the door that connected the two upstairs halls.

"I'll just jump her, catch her by surprise." I heard Saint say, rushing past me. I knew she was talking about Sasha. She wanted to show her to Vera, but Sasha could be stranger-shy, so it would take some skills. Behind Saint dashed a small girl wearing an impossibly neon green tutu with jean leggings and a t-shirt. Ah, so this is Vera. Fitting. And behind her, a woman I guessed to be her mother.

I listened in for a while as they cornered poor Sasha for some extra loving and went over the bedroom, commenting on the ugly wallpaper, the hand-made quilts on the bed, and the fact that it was actually clean. (They should've see it the night before. It was such a disaster, I was ready to call up FEMA.) Finally, they got sick of all that and decided to head off to Wal-Mart to pick up the ever-popular, insanity-inducing food known as Pocky.

I watched as they left, flinching when Saint pointed out our nicely-painted bathroom where I was hiding. (Really, it is very tastfully painted, I have to admit. It's all spring-themed and... Yeah, I'm not going there.) I waited until they were safely down the stairs before I snuck out behind them, sneaking out the back door through the greenhouse. Then, I waited until their car pulled away before pulling the cloak off to take flight.

I gave my wings a flap and got myself ready to take a running jump into the air through a nearby field when I spotted something in the sky, just a quick flash, really, overhead. But something had definitely flown at high speed right over me...

Following the path of Vera's car.

I launched myself into the air. It only took me a couple minutes to lock onto Vera's car on the road. I basically knew which route they would take, wasn't hard. I scanned the skies around me, even called out Max's name a couple times, but nothing.

Of course...

I landed in a small woodsy area next to Wal-Mart as the trio pulled into the lot. Throwing the cloak back over me, I followed them in, staying as close as possible without being detectable. Vera and Saint made a beeline for the Pocky aisle while her mom headed for electronics. As I watched the two girls, I instantly felt bad for whoever has to stock Pocky at Wal-Mart. They managed to empty an entire display of its supply of Pocky.

Madness. Not Sparta. Madness.

I followed them around the store as Saint led Vera all around, giving her the grand tour of the place. They went to the fish aisle, they played in the toys, tried fedoras on in the hat section. Girl's Day Out. Ugh.

The two made their way through the book aisle, of course. A moment of inspiration struck me and I snagged up a copy of Alex Rider and The Deathly Hallows. As the two went through the check-out, I whipped off the cloak in another aisle (wonder what the guys watching the security camera thought) and bought my two books, a drink, plus a Snickers bar. Why? Because Snickers, supposedly, satisfies and I was hungry.

(Yeah, I realize I could've just... Taken the books, but I'm trying to be a more honest person and blah blah blah... I just realized the security system would go off if I didn't.)

Out the door we went, me back in the cloak, into the hot, blazing sun. Great. Perfect. Even with the cloaks magical properties, I still felt like I was gonna roast. And taking it off to fly after the car didn't help.

And now, I'd like to announce my lawsuit. I wolfed down my Snickers and you know what? I was NOT satisfied. This is false adveritising. They'll be hearing from my lawyer.

I followed the car down the main road, to an intersection, through the circle, through downtown and into a parking lot...


For lunch, Saint had directed Vera and her mom to... A Chinese Buffet.

But not just any buffet. No, this was our buffet. The one Saint, Amanda, and I always go to. The one Mum took us out to.

And she hadn't even invited me.

And I was hungry.

The nerve.

Now, here's where we had a problem. The Chinese place wasn't all that big. I probably could hide from Saint in there, but it wouldn't be easy. After giving it some thought, I decided I could always grab a quick bite at one of the other two nearby restaurants and continue my stalking after lunch.

But then, just as I started to walk away, I caught movement behind the Chinese place. For a split second, I thought I saw someone tall, female, and very not Chinese sneak around the back, then she was gone.

Either that was Max or the ghost of one of the murder victims. Either way, I wasn't leaving Saint in there alone.

(Background story: Before this was a Chinese place, it was a grocery store. Story has it that the owner snapped and shot himself and his wife and kids in the store. I've heard other versions where he just shot himself and the others got out alive, or he just shot himself and his wife. Anyway, can't Google the truth, and it's really weird, too, as Saint says she was alive when it happened, remembered going in the store, and still has no idea what happened. Helpful. Anyway, they've got great Chinese.)

I snuck in the door, freaking out the poor girl who was watching it. The door just opened and closed all by itself. Poor lady, I should pay for her therapy. From there, I made my way down past the tables to where the buffet was and proceeded to... Help myself. Just reached over and pulled stuff out of the buffet. I know, unsanitary, but I was hungry, so chillax.

I kept an eye on Saint. She'd gotten her usual odd assortment of food, including one little sushi. Yes, Saint eats sushi. I can't believe it, either. She came back for seconds, managing to get a bowl of wonton soup, sans wontons. (Yeah, I know, it makes soooo much sense.)

I kept my eyes glued to the back, where the kitchens were. I knew what ever person who worked here looked like. (Not too hard, only one of them isn't Asian. Don't know how she got the job.) I'd know if someone didn't look right. Besides, I knew what Max looked like, even the psychotic version.

That's when a thought occured to me. Maybe Max didn't plan to come out at all. What if she just... Poisoned the food?

Well, this called for an emergency measure. I'd just have to try all the food. A hard job, but someone had to do it.

Just to let you know, the first buffet table was clean, but our Chinese place make horrible Hot and Sour soup. It was all sour and not enough hot.

Second table, also clean. And General Tso is a madman.

Third table, ice cream table. All clean.

Fourth, dessert table. Cake, clean. Bananas, clean. Pudding, clean. Jello, clean.

Fourth table...Sushi. Somehow, I made myself eat one, even though I've told Saint I wouldn't eat that bait. And, for good measure, I ate five more, just in case. It was for Saint, after all.

Later, I came back and took six more. They still looked suspicious.

Soon, the trio was on their way out, me following close behind. The poor girl behind the desk seemed to have regained her composure. Probably didn't help when I had to exit shortly after the others. I think I saw her faint.

From there, Amanda's house. I managed to sneak in an upstairs window and creep down the stairs. Saint and Amanda introduced Vera to... The dogs. Pringles, Raven, and Riley. Our hometown celebrities.

Great Danes three.

Pringles is the oldest, and, usually, my buddy, but he went into grump mode at the unfamiliar Vera. Well, when you're older than dirt for a Great Dane (almost nine) and have aches and pains everywhere, you get grumpy. Riley's the youngest and Saint sat down on the floor with him to demonstrate how he loves to sit in people's laps. Problem is, he sits down and you never get up. Then there's Raven, the middle child, who is sweet until you give her a hug. Then... Grrroowwlll!

She met Little Cat, the orange tabby, Stewie the possessed rabbit, The Guinea-Erbil the guinea pig, Colossians the rat, the many multitudes of fish, and Doon the hamster. And no, those are NOT all of Amanda's pets.

Freaking zoo.

At one point, someone got the bright idea to pull out Amanda's five Furbies. I HATE Furbies. They are the STUPIDEST, MOST ANNOYING little creatures on the planet! "Ah, mee-tay! Dance Boogie! Whoa! Me scared, doo-oo! You sing me! Me Cocoa, hee hee hee!"

Damned little creatures.

I finally couldn't take it anymore. Back up the stairs and out a window. I resigned myself to hanging out in the neighbor's yard, next to his sinkhole of doom.

I watched the skies overhead, but no sign of my winged enemy. I wasn't sure if I was happy about this or not.

"Here, kitty kitty kitty..."

I looked over, that voice sounding slightly familiar. Behind the bushes, my guess was confirmed. I slowly pulled off the cloak.

"Bite that cat, B'Ella, and you'll be in deep sneakers."

She shot me the most withering look, rolling her eyes. "I'm not an idiot, Fang. I just wanted to say hi." I watched as the cat in question, Mickey, aka 'Crybaby' scooted off. "So what are you doing, lurking around in that cloak like a creeper?"

"I could ask you the same thing, lurking in the bushes." I shot back.

Our eyes locked and we both nodded, the words leaving our mouthes at the same time. "Max."

Suddenly, I heard the sound of the front door opening. I threw the cloak back over me as B'Ella ducked farther down in the leaves, hissing.

"You follow from the sky, I'll cover the ground." She whispered. "I'll be there, even if you don't see me."

"Got it." I whispered back. A thought struck me. "Hey, if you're the combination of Ella and Bella, does that mean you're in love with Igward?"

I looked to her for an answer, but she was gone.

Stupid hispanic vampire/person.

To get to Vera's hotel, they had to cross a bridge over a river. This was where I almost lost them. They went over the bridge, and promptly disappeared from the road.

Luckily, it didn't take me long to spot where they went. There was a place on the other side of the bridge where you could park so you could walk along the river. I found my trio walking along the water's edge, sinking past their ankles in mud and laughing about it like it wasn't totally gross.

And, for the record, I think my mind was possessed when I used the words 'totally gross'. That wasn't me talking.

I landed in a tree on the opposite bank and took off the cloak for a bit, trying my best to watch my charges from so far. My eyesight was pretty damn good, but still.

"Squint any more, and you might as well just close your eyes, featherbrain."

"Hey, B'Ella." I said, not taking my eyes off of my charges. "Any sign of Max?"

"Nope... What are you doing?" She asked, sounding annoyed.

"Watching them."

"Can't you get closer? I don't think the squinting helps."

"How do you propose I do that?" I asked her. "I can't go over there in the cloak, they'll still see my footprints in the sand."

"Can't you... Breathe underwater these days?"


I shoved the cloak in a backpack I had with me, and hung the pack from a branch on the tree. From there, I watched the water for a moment, dark, murky, and cold. It was the cold part that bugged me. I'm no wimp, but, heck, this is New England. It can be the middle of summer and the water is still freezing.

But, a patient/assistant/slave/thing has to do what a pat- Oh, you get it.

I closed my eyes and flung myself into the murky depths.

Yeah, I was right. It was cold.

I just floated underwater for a moment, arms and wings wrapped around my shivering form. I finally forced myself to swim forward, focusing on blending in with the murky river water. I wasn't as invisible as with the cloak, but I could manage.

I got as close as I could to Saint and Vera, trying to keep moving in the water so I'd keep warm. The girls walked down the beach on the side of the river, playing in the water, pulling stuff out of it, throwing mud and rocks... My personal least-favorite part. After a rock to the head and some mud to the face, I stayed out of the way.

I was just thinking of going back to my tree, figuring that they seemed fine, when I got the strangest sensation.

Like someone tapping me on the shoulder.

I spun around in the water, coming nose-to-nose with her.


Our eyes locked for a moment, but then, before I could say a word, before I could reach out to grab her arm, her eyes narrowed, she spun around, and was lost in the murky mess.

I moved to follow her, but was stopped by the sound of a splash in the water above me. I rose to the surface, quickly blending myself in with the water again. Above, Vera had pulled Saint into the water, getting the two of them soaked. I mentally shook my head. That was gonna be one wet car ride to the hotel.

I waited until the girls were away from the water before getting out myself, grabbing my bag, and flying after them to the hotel. Once I was there, I threw the cloak back on and followed the three as far as I could.

Which was to their hotel room door.

From there, I was locked out. Couldn't sneak in with them, couldn't go in after them. Would've been too small of a space, anyway.

But I wasn't out of options yet.

I pulled out my other two Wal-Mart purchases, Harry Potter and Alex Rider. Magic and spies...

One Cloak of Doom and a couple rhyming spells later, I had a couple magical spy bugs that could crawl under the door and transmit anything said to an earpiece I had conjured.

I sent my little spies in, leaned up against the wall, still under the cloak, and...Tried not to shiver.

Yep, despite my best efforts to dry off, I was still wet. And cold. And they had the air conditioner on in the building. FML.

On the plus side, listening to Saint and Vera talk helped keep my mind off my freezing body. Did you know that Vice President Biden is really Max in disguise? And that she has plans to kill off the Senate and House of Reps. by sending them to war in Mongolia? Oh, and Gazzy's a Horcrux because he's Zac Efron. And do you know how Ebony from My Immortal gets her blood? Hufflepuffs find her, then are never seen again. Though some Hufflepuffs find out what happened to their comrades, then they are never seen again.

How'd the Basilisk stay alive all those years? Besides the animals, sometimes Hufflepuffs would find the Chamber of Secrets... Also never seen again.

...No wonder Cedric was, like, the only Hufflepuff in the musical...

At some point, the two of them got hyped up on pixie sticks. Scary, so scary... The soda didn't help, either.

They talked about everything, read through fic after fic, discussed me, Max, B'Ella...The fact that Vera hasn't updated a fic in longer than Saint has... Hypocritical updating general...

And I stood there. And shivered. Were they ever going to be done?

And then, finally, they were getting ready to go to the hotel pool to go swimming. Calling back and collecting my spy bugs, I made my way to the hotel pool, ducking in with another hotel tenant, and waited for the two to arrive.


B'Ella poked her head out from behind a wall that hid the doors to the men's and woman's changing rooms. "Major creeper." She grinned.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked her, briefly wondering how she knew I was there.

"You're hanging out at a swimming pool, in hiding, waiting for two young girls, scantily clad in their bathing suits to show up so you can watch them swim. You're a creeper."

I rolled my eyes, looking back towards the door. "Thanks a lot."

"You're welcome. And by the way, I can smell your blood."

I turned to reply to her, but once again, she was gone.

Girl was starting to creep me out.

Soon, the two girls came in, bathing suits on, towels in hand, and were soon in the pool 'swimming'. I put swimming in quotes because Saint... Oh man. As Saint puts it, she can swim well enough to stay afloat. I think it had something to do with her falling headfirst in the pool on her first day of swimming lessons as a child. I suppose that could be traumatizing.

I watched the two swim for awhile, bored to tears. At least in was warm in the pool area.

Finally, I couldn't take it any longer. I stepped behind the wall, took off the cloak, and shoved it in my backpack. Leaving the backpack in hiding, I focused on blending in with the wall. Then slowly, very slowly, I slipped out from behind the wall, stepped up to the pool, and quietly slid into the deep end.

Compared to the river, the pool was like bathwater. I swam around underwater for a bit, just watching the two girls above.

Then, Vera got this... Idea.

She decided it would be fun to take this rubber ducky she had, fill it with water so it would sink, then send it to the bottom and try and make Saint go after it.

Nice try, Vera. Saint doesn't dive.

Anyway, lacking anything better to do, I decided to... Have some fun. I swam down to the rubber ducky and began to slowly move it into the deep end. At first, the girls didn't notice, but it wasn't long before the girls were frantically swimming and diving after their retreating duck.

I left Mr. Duck in the deep end and backed off, watching the aftermath of my mayhem. The two ended up borrowing one of those nets on a long stick to push their duck into shallow waters. The two of them were absolutely comical.

I floated around for a bit after, watching them float around, talking about their poor escaping duck.

That is, until I caught a scary turn in their conversation.

"Hey Saint...I had a thought... Who's tall, can turn invisible, and can breathe underwater?"


"You don't think he's..."

"He could be..."

"The duck..."

Double shit.

I tried to move slowly and quickly at the same time, wanting to get away, wanting to get out of the water, but not wanting to be caught.

Fat chance.

They were all over the water. I got slapped. I got something thrown at me. Vera came very close to jumping on me. All because they noticed slight ripples in the water. Then, they attempted to lure me out. They mentioned getting food, walked out to the vending machines, even. My stomach growled, but I knew I couldn't leave now. They came back, but not for long. Just long enough for Saint to yell out, in case I was there, "Fang, if you're in that water, I hope you remembered to take your wallet out of your pocket this time. Money is not fun to dry out."

I checked my pockets. No wallet. Phew.

As soon as they were gone, I collected my backpack, threw on the cloak, and left, shivering as soon as I walked into the air conditioned hallway. Great, now I was wet all over again.

I sent the spy bugs back in, but after listening to them watch Wipeout and American Ninja Warriors, I couldn't take it anymore, especially when Vera's mom brought them pizza... That I couldn't have. I went outside to wait until Saint started for home.

"You look cold."

By then it was dark, it was cold, I was hungry. My day was miserable. I just didn't care anymore.

"Yeah, Max, I'm cold."

"You didn't have to follow her around all day like a guard dog." She told me, sitting on the ground next to me, where I was leaning against the building. "Just wanted to give her a... Piece of my mind. If you don't want me beating her to a pulp, I won't, but she had no right to kidnap you and has no right to keep us apart."

I sighed. "Max... It's not like she's... Trying." I told her. "Saint just... Honestly, I think she's winging it most of the time. She doesn't try to keep me away from you, she just didn't know how to send me back. And then I just... Stayed. After her mom passed away, she needed someone to watch her back. And sometimes, I wonder if she even meant to kidnap me or if that was another 'oops' moment."

"Then come with me." Max said. "I've gotten away from Vera, Saint doesn't know you're here and we can fly before B'Ella gets to us. Come on, Fang."

Easiest answer of the day.

"Sorry, Max. Can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?" She nearly screeched at me.

"Simple." I answered, smiling slightly in the dark. "Like I've said, Saint needs someone to watch her back. I'm all she has, Max."

"Let her figure it out for herself!" Max shot back. "She's not your concern."

"She is, Max." I said, keeping my voice calm. "She's my friend, my charge, my doctor/therapist/boss/slave master/thing. Besides, I couldn't go away with you."

"Why not?" She asked, sounding ready to punch me.

"First off, you're a Max, you're one of a couple of what seems to be Max clones I've run into. Matt has one of you as well. I can't just run off with any old Max. The me James Patterson made up to replace me in the latest books ran off with a different Max, and you won't believe the trouble that's caused."

I smirked. "And second, B'Ella's here to get you."

Before Max could reply, B'Ella, who had been lurking in the shadows nearby, snatched her up. Holding Max's mouth shut, she turned to me.

"I can take care of her from here, Fang. Go home and get some sleep."

No need to tell me twice.

"Hey, FeatherBrain, I brought home pizza and-... What the heck happened to you? Oh, Fang!"

When Saint came home to find me curled up on the bed, blankets wrapped around me, shivering and sneezing, it only took her moments to go all Mother Bear on me, insisting I get into dry clothes, getting me medicine, extra blankets, food, tea.

And slowly, she began to weasel the entire story out of me.

A quick spell from Saint returned the cloak to normal, along with a quick lecture on how I should never touch it again. She didn't sound like she really meant it, somehow.

As Saint curled up with her laptop and I curled up under the blankets, I felt a hand gently stroke my wings.

"You're an admirable idiot, you know that?"

"Thanks, Saint." I rolled onto my stomach, using one of Saint's many stuffed animals as a pillow. "Just be careful."


"Keep stuff like this up, and everyone'll think there's something more between us than just friendship."

I honestly don't think I deserved that face full of pillow. This is going with my Snickers lawsuit.

If I hear ONE THING about 'Faint', 'Sang', or 'St. Fang' as a pairing, I'll send B'Ella after you.

R&R&...Anyone else not satisfied by Snickers?

26. Talking to Strangers

So, woke up this morning before Saint and had nothing to do, so... I decided to give this 'Omegle' thing I keep hearing about a try...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: ...Hi.

Stranger: Heyyy

Stranger: :)

You: ...uhhh... :I

You: I don't smile.

Stranger: That sucks ..

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

After that failed attempt, I decided to try smiling and see if it helped.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: :)

Stranger: ey

Stranger: Rudy

Stranger: what's going on

You: Not much...

Stranger: ah

Stranger: anything to talk about?

You: Ehhh... It's hot out.

Stranger: hot

Stranger: ok

Stranger: where are you?

You: In my house.

Stranger: and in which country is that placed

You: US, last time I checked...

Stranger: ah

You: It could've moved, though.

Stranger: US

You: You never know.

Stranger: what's the time there?

You: Too early.

Stranger: so

Stranger: how can it be so hot?

You: Humidity.

Stranger: Rudy

Stranger: are you messing with me

You: If I was, would I tell you?

Stranger: well

Stranger: you're Rudy

Stranger: and Rudy's always tell the truth

Stranger: in the end

You: I didn't know I was Rudy...

Stranger: now you know

You: Wow, thanks for telling me.

Stranger: no problem

Stranger: I hope your identity crisis is solved now

You: Gone through my whole life thinking my name was Fang...

Stranger: there it is

Stranger: some enlightment on omegle


Stranger: you're welcome Rudy Fang

Stranger: hey

Stranger: aren't you in China?

You: Nope.

Stranger: Rudy Fang, sounds Chinese

You: Chinese sounds really good right now, though.

Stranger: why's that?

You: I like food.

Stranger: but Chinise food is tasteless

Stranger: and empty

Stranger: nothing in it

You: :( But I likes duck sauce...

Stranger: duck sauce

You: Yes, duck sauce.

Stranger: ah

You: Sauce of a duck.

Stranger: don't they use the same sauce for every dish?

You: Saucy ducks... And... I don't know...

Stranger: ok

You: Where do they get duck sauce?

Stranger: from ducks

Stranger: they produce it

Stranger: and the Chinese

Stranger: they tap the ducks

Stranger: using acupuncture

You: o.0 I never knew... Acupuncture has so many uses... It's like maple syrup!

Stranger: exactly

You: You must be an omegle God.

Stranger: actually

Stranger: yes, I am

Stranger: how did you notice?

You: 0.o -worships-

You: You know all...

Stranger: I know,

Stranger: since I know all

Stranger: what do you know

You: Do you know if the chicken sandwich or the egg salad came first?

You: And I know how to fly...

Stranger: chicken sandwhich

Stranger: the egg salad is much more complicated to make

Stranger: hey

You: You do know all...

Stranger: what do you think of Obama

You: I think he kind of looks like a monkey... And I like his dog.

Stranger: like a monkey

Stranger: ok

Stranger: so you are an American for sure

You: You DO know all...

Stranger: exactly

Stranger: well

Stranger: Rudy Fang

Stranger: take care

Stranger: and goodluck

You: Thank you, Omegle God!

Stranger: with what ever

Stranger: you're welcome son

Stranger: adios

You: I have a daddy!

Stranger: good for you

You: Did you come to love me?

Stranger: ah, so you're trying to get your Jimmy waxed on omegle?

You: ...

You: Huh?

Stranger: k

You: Jimmy Neutron?

Stranger: yes

Stranger: send him my regards

You: Why would I want him waxed?

Stranger: cause you're an American

You: Oh...

Stranger: American's want their Jimmies waxed on omegle

You: How would that even work? I don't see any wax...

Stranger: you're sure you're American?

You: I think so.

Stranger: maybe you should recheck

Stranger: there might be some Chinese in you

You: I'll ask Saint... She keeps track of these things... Usually...

You: Actually, I might be Italian...

Stranger: might be

Stranger: no, I can smell some Chinese

Stranger: really


Stranger: there

You: I don't know where there is. :(

Stranger: keep looking

Stranger: anyway

Stranger: I'll be moving on

Stranger: adios

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Omegle God knows all...

Then, there was this guy...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Question to discuss:

do you know super junior?

You: No... Who's that?

You: Like... A powerful baby?

Stranger: oh yea

Stranger: its a kpop grp

You: ...Now I'm lost...

Stranger: but im nt a fan of kpop\

Stranger: where u frm?

You: US...

You: At least I think.

You: Last conversation I had, Omegle God told me I was Chinese...

Stranger: lol

You: It's been a confusing morning.

Stranger: haha same

Stranger: i broke up with my gf 2day so yea :P

You: I'm sorry.

Stranger: nah its ok.. betrayer ..

You: Ah, evil.

Stranger: u gt any gf?

Stranger: yea :l

You: I've got a girl I live with... Not a gf, but... Yeah, long story. And then my last gf ran off with some guy named Dylan...

Stranger: my name is dylon lol

Stranger: and sry abt that too

You: As long as you weren't dating a Max, we're good.

Stranger: haha

Stranger: how old r u btw?

You: 20... It's insanity... I swear I was 14 just yesterday...

Stranger: dun worry mate ur still young at heart

You: Sometimes...

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

So, after this guy, Saint woke up and we had to get ready for work... But I wasn't done with Omegle yet...

When we got home, Saint and I got on Omegle together, to see what mayhem we could wreak...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Question to discuss:

talk to each other

You: What if I talk to myself?


Stranger: OH

Stranger: GIRLS




You: Fang: -facepalm-

You: Saint: Shut up! Don't mind him...

You: Fang: This was MY idea...

You: Saint: And you're lame, so I'll do the talking.

You: Fang: Hand the laptop over...

You: Saint: NO!

You: edrtfyghiujkdfghjk

You have disconnected.

Yeah...That didn't go well...

So, out of pure boredom, I went on a search for food...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Question to discuss:

Jesus: Savior or Gardener?

You: ...I'm hungry. Can we have manna from the sky for answering this?

You: ...I've heard carpenter, fisherman, wine-maker... Gardener is new...

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Question to discuss:

Cinema discussion.

You: Popcorn?

Stranger: I'm not well versed in cinema

You: I'm hungry...

Stranger: Me too

Stranger: for BRAINNNS!

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Question to discuss:

Hello is this the Krusty Krab?

Stranger: no this is patric

You: I hope so, I'm starved!

You: Darn it...

Stranger: NO this is patrick

You: Well, does Patrick have anything to eat?


Stranger: lmao i just realized sumthin

You: What?

Stranger: Krusty Krab. no THIS IS PATRICK

Stranger: lmao

Stranger: 300... Krabby patties

You: Well, this is Fang, and Fang is hungry...

You: I would eat those Krabby Patties...

Stranger: whos fang?

You: I'm Fang.

You: And I need food.

You: I'mma bite you, Patrick.

Stranger: HP?

Stranger: the dog?

Stranger: ur fang the dog?

Stranger: cuz if u are we have ur order of 300 krabby patties ready

You: ...Sure. Do I get the Krabby Patties now?

Stranger: yes

Stranger: meet me under the sea in a treasure chest

You: Totally awesome.

You: Ok, I'll ask the giant squid for assistance with that...

Stranger: ok

You: The Giant Squid and the Flying Car are dating...

Stranger: oh really. good to know

Stranger: ill see u in the treasure chest. u can tell me more about it there. cya there

You: Ok, bye.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

After successfully ordering 300 Krabby Patties, I decided to turn the tables and try this question-asking thing myself.

You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:

I've been kidnapped by a rabid fangirl. Will you rescue me? -Fang

Stranger 1: no

Stranger 1 has disconnected


You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:

Would you like any cheese with that?

Stranger 2: and fries

Stranger 1: philly

Stranger 1: cheese stake

Stranger 1: and pony episodes

Stranger 1: all night and day

Stranger 2 has disconnected

What the Hell?

You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:

St. Fang of Boredom?

Stranger 2: hufflepuff?

Stranger 1: gryffindor.

Stranger 1 has disconnected

Obviously, there were no Hufflepuffs. They would have found the answer...

You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:

You're cornered in a room with wild zebras. You're armed with bubbles. Your enemies are throwing slim jims at you. What will you do?

Stranger 2: shit

Stranger 2: pass out

Stranger 1: lmfao

Stranger 2: cover myself in feces

Stranger 2: and look dead

Stranger 2: i learned it on the discovery channel

Stranger 1: umm act like a bear

Stranger 1: RAWRRRR

Stranger 2 has disconnected


You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:

Hermione Can't Draw!

Stranger 2: So what.


Stranger 2: wow

Stranger 2: now what?


Stranger 2: wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Stranger 1: AVPM/AVPS

Stranger 2: i didn't get it bye or u'll pay !

Stranger 1 has disconnected

Well, SOMEONE got it...

You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:

Zombies or Unicorns?

Stranger 1: Zombies

Stranger 2: not sure

Stranger 2: zombies I guess

Stranger 2: Unicorn is like horse after all

Stranger 1: Exactly

Stranger 1: Zombies are like humans, who are actually dead

Stranger 1: So they are the real mythical beeast

Stranger 1 has disconnected

Solved that age-old question...

You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:


Stranger 1: AHHH

Stranger 1: fuck

Stranger 1: me

Stranger 2: getinthecaritsaloin

Stranger 1: wut

Stranger 2: the car

Stranger 2: get in!

Stranger 1: ohshit!

Stranger 2: itsafuckinglion

Stranger 1: it's a dinasaur!

Stranger 1 has disconnected

Someone needs the definition of 'dinosaur'...

So now, the people of Omegle give you their parting words...

You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:

Say something to your adoring fans!


Stranger 1: Love chuuuuuuu 3

Stranger 2 has disconnected

You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:

Say something to your adoring fans!

Stranger 2: Hello!

Stranger 1: hey folks

Stranger 2: I will cut your fucking head off and shit in your neck!

Stranger 2: Thanks for being a fan!

Stranger 1: damn "full metal jacket"

Stranger 1: sgt hartman

Stranger 2 has disconnected


You're now watching two strangers discuss your question!

Question to discuss:

Say something to your adoring fans!

Stranger 2: thank you

Stranger 2: for the support

Stranger 1: I got AIDS

Stranger 1: deal with it

Stranger 2: ahah

Stranger 1 has disconnected

So that was how I trolled Omegle.

I'm gonna go...

Get a life.


27. Stay Off The Roadways

Today, I bring you a tale not of humor, but of horror. The worst kind of fear to grip the hearts of this small New England town has descended upon us like an oppressive shadow.

Read on and be warned...

Small, crowded spaces. I hate them. And I hate waiting. So waiting in a small, crowded space is about my worst nightmare.

Welcome to my nightmare.

"How long is this going to take?" I ask Rachel, who's sitting next to me in the little waiting area.

Rachel shoots me this overly-cheerful smile that usually makes me want to bash my head against the nearest hard object. I mean, honestly, how can one person be so freaking cheery all the time?

"I'm sure it'll be through soon... Oh, I'm so excited for her! I've been praying so hard!"

"Yeah, me too..." I mutter. "For all those innocent lives..."

Rachel rolls her eyes at me and starts to say something else, but is cut off when the door to our left opens.

She didn't look our way, but I could tell by the smug little smile on her face that the whole ordeal had gone well. Saint was happy.

And that usually spelled trouble for me.

Rachel was practically bursting with excitement as we waited for Saint to get through the line one more time. Then, bam. Picture taken, papers handed over, and suddenly, we were out in the hall with one of the most excited people to ever exit a DMV.


The horror... The absolute horror...

Let's fast-forward a couple weeks and a gazillion miles later. Saint has become the personal taxi to Gram and Amanda, as well as driving the two of us everywhere we need to go.

Let's just say... We've had a couple... Adventures...

Gram's Day Out

"I was thinking of going to that little restaurant you always liked." Saint told her Gram. We had just surprised Gram with the fact that Saint had her license, then the three of us had piled into the car and were on the road, planning on taking Gram for a short trip.

Short being the operative word.

"Oh, everyone keeps telling me about this place over in -insert town name here-." Gram said. "I'd like to try it."

It wasn't a far drive, so Saint just shrugged and changed course, figuring it wouldn't take long.

Well, about two hours later, Gram had taken us for a ride through the backwoods and we hadn't seen this 'place' everyone talked about. Finally, Saint saw the name of a familiar town and pulled us into a little roaside restaurant she knew of.

I practically fell out of the car as soon as Saint let me out, gasping for air. Let me explain; Saint owns a two door hatchback Saab. The windows in this car only roll down in the front and it was a hot day.

And guess who had to sit in the back...

Well, we finally ate. (I was, of course, starving.) Then, we were back on the road again, heading for home. Saint was prepared to go the way we had come, but, once again, Gram put in her two cents.

"Now, I remember we always used to go this way." She explained a different route Saint could take, then insisted Saint would take it.

And Saint, being the dutiful granddaughter, did, trusting Gram to know the route.

Halfway down this unfamiliar road, Gram makes the comment, "I remember when this was just a dirt road! Horse and buggies drove on it!"

In the rearview mirror, Saint and I trade horrified looks. That did not sound promising...

Somehow, we made it home. I don't know how. After a while, all those trees just started to blur together and I lost track of time. But we finally dropped Gram off and headed for home.

And crashed into bed.

Amanda Gets Rats

Saint is, sometimes, too nice, too accomadating.

You catch her at the right moments, and she'll agree to things without thinking.

Take for instance, Tuesday. That was the day Amanda called up Saint while we were out shopping with Affie.

This is when I learned that Saint should no longer be allowed to answer her own phone.

"So, what'd Amanda want?" I'd asked her, leaning up against a clothing rack. Just to give you some background info, I'd managed to twist my ankle at work earlier in the week, so walking around was a blast. I'd been leaning up against everything.

"Oh, she just wanted a ride somewhere before we go to work." Saint answered.

"Great... Where to?"

When Saint told me the name of the city we were taking Amanda to, I nearly flipped. This place was, like, an hour away, not counting actually getting through the traffic in this place, something Saint wasn't used to driving in.

And we had to work at 2:30. (Ok, she had to work. Currently, I had to limp around and look busy so I could earn a paycheck. Not the point.)

"It's ok, Fang." Saint said, reading my expression. "It's only 45 minutes away."

I shook my head. "Saint, it's at least an hour just to get there."

"Amanda said-"

"Amanda is not exactly the authority on all." I told her. For back-up I looked around and quickly spotted Affie between the clothes racks. "Hey, Affie? How far is it from here to -insert city name-?"

"A good hour, in good weather." Affie replied.

I saw Saint's face fall a bit, but that stubborn determination was still hanging on. "I'll text Niki. She's from there, she'll know."

Niki texted back a little later saying an hour and a half.

"What have a gotten myself into?" Saint said, beating her head against Affie's dashboard.

"What are we going there for, anyway?" I asked.

"Amanda's gotta pick up two baby rats.

Oh, great.

Though Saint tried to get out of it, Amanda had already set up the meeting with the rat owner, so we were a bit screwed. But, all was not lost. We could make it there and back in time for work.

We'd just have to move.

(The guy with the twisted ankle was not a fan of this plan.)

So, at around eight in the morning, the three of us piled into Amanda's little Dodge Caliber and started on our way.

Only to stop at the next town over to buy gas.

After leaving one gas station because it refused to read Amanda's card, I sat in the back, listening to the girls try to pump gas.

"Ok, you take the nozzle off first..."

"No, you swipe your card first."

"It's not doing anything."

"You have to pick debit."

"That's dumb."

"Now the nozzle goes in here."

"You have to pull something up, right?"

"The clip."

"This thingy?"


"Nothing's happening."

"Pick your poison."

"Errr... The cheap one."

"You two all set out there?" I called.

"We're not damsels in distress, Fang." Saint called back. "Cool your jets."

We finally managed to fill the tank, then headed on our way.

Things started out pretty smooth. We had some music blaring on the radio, I had grabbed some snacks, we were rolling.

Then,we got stuck behind Mr. 20-In-A-40-Zone.

"Oh. My. God." Saint said. "Ridiculous. Can he not read his numbers?"

"We might make it there before Christmas, at this rate." Amanda said.

Luckily, it wasn't too long before we lost him. Unfortunately, he set the pace for the rest of the trip.

As soon as we hit the highway, we were surrounded by idiots. People who felt the need to drive like snails, people who preferred to swerve in front of us, people who couldn't decide their speed; they'd just randomly slow down and speed up.

And there we were, in the thick of it all, holding on to steering wheels and 'Oh, Shit' handles, praying for our lives.

"How fast is this sardine can on wheels going?" I asked Saint, watching the trees fly by. On top of being in a speeding vehicle driven by one of the most unstable individuals I knew, I'd just realized how tiny the car was. Can't breathe, losing air, walls closing in...

"80 miles per hour."


In case you're wondering, speed limit on the highway is, like 65.

"We're gonna die." I muttered.

"We're making great time, though, Fang." Amanda pointed out.

"To get to where?" I asked. "The cemetary?"

And then, to make matters worse, it began to rain.

"Amanda, turn on your windshield wipers! I don't know how!"

"I'm still trying to turn on the cruise control!"

"DON'T TURN THAT ON! You DO NOT use cruise control in the rain!"


"Easier to hydroplane."

"Hm, never knew that."


So here was our new deal. Saint was driving like a maniac, Amanda was playing co-pilot by randomly flipping switches to see what they did, and I was trying out some of those Catholic prayers Mum taught me.

"Saint, what comes after 'Full of grace'?"

"Shut up, Fang."

"Alright, I'll just do a different one. Our Father-"

"You think you're funny?"

"Who art in Heaven... Where I don't need to be now."

"Ha ha ha..."

Finally, we reached our destination; the city. Ok, so what qualified as a city around here, anyway. I'm sure, compared to NYC, this was nothing more than a small town, but I can say this much; everyone drove like they were in NYC.

"Ok, Amanda, which way to the mall?"

"Errr... That- No, that way!"

"Oh dear Lord in Heaven, do you know where you're going?"

"Just, uh, took me a minute to get my bearings."

"We're doomed."

Well, we found the mall. It took Saint making a wrong turn, but we made it. We parked the Caliber by the restaurant we were to meet these rat breeders at and went to surf the mall.

But not before Saint revealed a little... Surprise for me.

"You can't just limp around the mall on that ankle." Saint told me, pointed at the twisted mess attached to the end of my leg.

"I'll be fine." I said, shrugging, but Saint had already dug into the trunk area and began pulling out something long and metal.

"There is NO WAY I'm using crutches." I told her, crossing my arms.

"Oh my God, Fang, really?" Amanda asked. "You're such a guy."

"Uh, duh." I said.

Saint merely shrugged and shoved the crutches into my hands. "Use 'em or stay in the car by yourself. Your choice." She started to walk off.

"I have no problem staying in the car." I called after her. I marched/limped back to our vehicle, ignoring the girl's giggles coming from behind me.

Then, I found out what they were giggling about.

"You freaking LOCKED the car doors!" I yelled after my psycho kidnapper. "Very freaking funny."

We ended up going to only a couple stores. In Spencer's, Saint and I were mentally scarred for life. I'm not even going to begin to describe that madness. The girl's dragged me in Claire's where my ears were assaulted with Miley Cyrus as they browsed the disturbing array of bright colors and cheery faces.

And then, we hit up Hot Topic, an area where I felt relatively safe. I grabbed a t-shirt I probably didn't need and Saint found a ring with an owl on it that was wearing pink Darren Criss glasses. All three of us got voodoo doll keychains and pins that donated money to keeping 'the arts' in schools with every purchase. All for a good cause.

From there, we ditched my stupid crutches at the car and headed to the restaurant to get some lunch before the rat lady showed up.

Things were going fairly smoothly. We had about an hour to kill, we got buffalo wings for an appetizer, and soon, I had a huge bowl of pasta, a piece of garlic bread, and the world was perfect.

Then, we checked our phones and realized we needed to get freaking moving.

We paid our bill, the girls packed up their leftovers (me with leftovers, ha ha), and rushed out the door.

So we could wait.

"Where the heck is this woman?" I asked Amanda.

She just shrugged.

"Do you have her phone number? You could call her." Saint suggested.

"She has mine..." Amanda answered.


Finally, when I was about ready to just grab Saint and fly us home, she showed up. Amanda picked out her two rats, and we set out for home.

(I was NOT tempted to get a pet rat. No way, not me.)

Finding our way back onto the highway was surprisingly easy. Getting onto it proved dangerous.

I was sitting in the back seat, happy to be heading home, breaking into Saint's leftovers box to see what I could chow down on, when suddenly, the car came to a quick stop, nearly throwing my face-first into chicken and broccoli alfredo.

"Oh my God, that IDIOT!" Amanda was freaked.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Guy in the orange truck just swerved out in front of us. Would've had a collision if I hadn't stopped quick." Saint explained.

"Yeah, then I would've had to get out of this car and punch that guy in the throat and I'd have to go to jail and you two would have to bail me out." Amanda said.

"Glad you've completely thought that one through..." I said.

We made it onto the highway, giving orange truck guy some good distance. Everything seemed to be going well until...

"Oh, there's our exit!" Amanda suddenly called out.

"You mean the one we're passing right now?" I said.

I saw Saint gripping the wheel so tightly, I thought she might crush it. "Ok, we'll just go to the next exit..."

She didn't sound to ok with that.

I glanced out the window and read the first sign I saw. "Toll Ahead."

"Oh, lovely..."

The three of us scrounged through our wallets and pulled out the money for the toll. But, just as we were approaching the tolls, Saint saw something.

"Hey, an exit!"

"I thought that sign said 'Last Exit Before Tolls'." Amanda said.

Saint shrugged. "Let's give it a shot."

Well, the exit took us to a toll, anyway, but the toll was half-price there. Once we got off the highway, though, we got a bit confused as to how to turn ourselves around.

"This is supposed to be simple." Saint said. We get off, find the way to get on the highway going the other way, and get on. So... Where's the entrance ramp to get back on?"

"We're screwed..." I muttered.

"We'll be fine!" Amanda said. "This sign says we're only a short drive away from the city where we started. We'll just drive back and start over!"

So that's what we did. Drove all the way back to where we started, me nervously eating pasta, Saint gripping the steering wheel and telling Amanda how dead she'd be if we were late, and Amanda wondering what Saint's problem was.

To make a long story short, we got turned back around, Saint drove like a maniac again, and we made it home in time for work.

It was then I made Saint promise that, next time Amanda ask for a favor, she hand the phone over to me.

If I begin sprouting gray hairs, or get admitted to a Psych. Ward, you all now know why...



28. Fangles is LOVERLY!

Saint thinks I has a fever.

I DO NOT HAVE A fever!

I'm fine. Perfectly fine/

Just tired... It's past midnight. I would sleep, but it's too hot in here to sleep.

Plus, those stupid mices. They're running all over the floor. I told Jay about them, but he hasn't done anything yet...

Now they're marching. They have trumpets! And drums! And sexyphones... Ha ha.



Sorry, I started laughing...

But anyway... I could really go for a waffle right now...

Would you make me a waffle?


. . .


Why don't you talk to me?.

Fine, I don't wanna talk to yous either!


. . .

I'm sorry, I just get upset. I do. Really. Sometimes, I have emotions... It's odd.

But anyway, I'm fine. So don't listen to Saint. Ever.


-Fang pwns

See Saint? I wrote the chapter fine! I'M LOVELY!

Saint: ...I know you're sick, and I feel bad, but you're being a dick right now, so I'm posting this.


Saint: He'd been a little off all day, but the fever kicked in at about 11:50... I'm gonna put him to bed, but I am SO posting this in the morning with my other updates. :P




First and foremost, ignore the last chapter. I am still plotting revenge on Saint for that...

Second... I typed up something here but the laptop overheated and randomly shut down, so that's been deleted...

Anyway, guess I'll have to re-tell. Saint and I head down with Affie and Nick to Disney again on the 23rd. As long as I don't have to go on Small World again, it should be fun.

Had to stock up on Dramamine and other knock-out meds for the flight, especially since we have a layover.

Yeah, in case you somehow missed the memo... I don't do airplanes.

It's like, I'm in the air, which is perfectly natural, but I'm not the one keeping myself there. In fact, its a metal sardine can with wings that's keeping me up there. And if it starts to go down, I don't know if I can get myself, Saint, and Affie out safely.

And did I mention how fnicking small it is in there?

...Ok, so Saint says it's not really that small, that there's just a lot of people in there and it's crowded. Whatever. The minute I get in there, the walls start closing in and it starts looking pretty small to me.

It's a small plane after all... GAH!

I really hate this, you know. This claustrophobia issue. The last thing I want to do is start freaking out just because I'm in a small space. I mean, it's ridiculous, but I can't help it. I was talking to Saint about it the other day, causing her to go on and on about how phobias usually don't make sense and it's ok and blah blah blah.

After I explained to her that I didn't care about all that crap and just wanted to be rid of it, Saint got this crazy idea to... Cure me...

So begins this therapist's first try at... Hypnosis...

"You are getting sleepy..."

"No, Saint, no I'm not." I rolled my eyes, starting to get out of my chair. "Look, I'll just-"

"NOOO!" I hadn't realized until then how into this hynotism thing Saint had gotten. "Fang, hypnosis doesn't work unless you believe it will!" She pushed me back down into the chair. "Believe, Fnickles, believe!"

"Stop calling me 'Fnickles' and I'll consider." I answered, sitting back down and crossing my arms. "Alright, go."

Once again, Saint began swinging Zia's yo-yo in my face. Yo-yo, you ask? Well, we were fresh out of pocket watches and it was the best subsitute we had.

"You are getting sleepy..." Saint said in her best hypnotist voice.

"If this gets anymore boring, I will be." I answered.

"Focus!" She snapped.

I sighed, resigning myself to just tuning Saint out and watching the yo-yo go back and forth.

And back and forth.

And back.

And forth.



"WHAT? WHAT? I DIDN'T DO IT!" I yelled, nearly falling out of my chair.

"What did you not do, Fang?" Saint asked, giving me an evil grin.

"I... Don't know." I said. "But I'm sure I didn't do it."

Saint rolled her eyes. "So, feel any different?"

"No..." I said, blinking a couple times to help me wake up. "Should I?"

"Well, you were watching the yo-yo, and then you just... Passed out. I tried talking to you and stuff, but got no response. I did try to set a sort of, like, key word to stop your claustrophobia."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah, when I say this word, you should just stop being afraid of small spaces." She paused for a moment. "Either that, or you'll suddenly think you're one of the Na'vi people from Avatar and try to lead an attack on the Sky People. I wasn't really specific."

I didn't bother to ask her how or why my turning into a Na'vi was a possibility. I didn't want to know.

"Well, give me the key word." I said, crossing my arms.

Saint grinned. "Fnickles."

And then...

Nothing happened.

But, once in a great while, I get these... Urges. Urges to mess with Saint like she messes with me. And at that moment, such an urge overtook me.

I flew out of my chair and grabbed the closest thing to me; a clothes hanger. "Stay back!" I told her. "I don't know how you got me here, but I will not stay prisoner to the Sky People!"

Saint rolled her eyes. "I was kidding, Fang."

"Silence! Eywa protect me! You cannot destroy my people!"

"For this, I should paint you blue and braid your hair next time you pass out." Saint said. "Put the clothes hanger down, soldier."

I let out a war cry and rushed past her out of our room and down the hall into the kitchen. I jumped up on a chair, holding my clothes hanger high in the air. "Down with the Sky People!"

Saint followed me out, arms crossed, shaking her head. "You are ridiculous sometimes, you know that?"

I let out a second war cry, just as the door to the apartment swung open and Niki walked in, carrying groceries.

"Hey, guys, I was... Ummm... Fang?"

I froze, clothes hanger still high in the air. "Niki... Hi."

"What are you doing, boyfriend?" Niki asked, staring. (Niki calls everyone boyfriend/girlfriend.)

"Ahhh... Conquering the Sky People." I answered.

"I see..." Niki said, her eyes travelling to my 'weapon'.

I let my arm drop. "I'mma go... Conquer Sky People in my room..."

Never have I voluntarily left a kitchen so quickly.

So, not only do I still fear small spaces, Niki now thinks I have an Avatar obsession

I blame this all on Saint. Every bit.

...Though, if I ever needed to, I bet I wouldn't look that bad in blue.

-Fang Not Fnickles

30. Drinking Problems

So... Despite what certain book series might say my age is, since I've come to live with Saint, my age has always been... Set to match hers.

And the birthday I chose, in January, places me a little over a month older than Saint.

What is the point, you ask?

Well, that makes me 21.

Which makes me legal, in the United States of America, to purchase alcoholic beverages.


There have been mixed reviews to this revelation since the day I reached 21. Let me sort of illustrate this for you...

Jay: Here, Fang! Have a beer!

Saint: DON'T GIVE HIM ONE OF THOSE! Dear Lord, he can barely take a Tylenol without getting stoned!

Jay: Hey, he's a grown-up now.

Saint: Supposedly...

Niki: Maybe we should start him out slow.

Saint: Starting with not at all.

Me: Do I get a say in this?

Saint: NO!

Amanda: I need some entertainment. Let's get Fang drunk.

Saint: Really, Amanda?

Me: -facepalm-

Gram: Just because you're 21 now doesn't mean you need to start drinking booze! I will NOT have you leading my granddaughter down that path!

Saint: -facepalm-

Me: Yes, Grams...

Affie: Drinking is something that requires responsibility.

Me: I understand, Affie.

Affie: And, trust me, those idiots who think the party's only fun if they don't remember what happened last night are just what I said. Idiots.

Me: I completely agree, Affie.

Affie: And now that you're 21, you can start buying me a glass of White Zinfandel at dinner once in a while.

Me: -facepalm- Yes, Affie...

Saint: Fang, I'm trying to write.

Me: I'm bored...

Saint: Go read.

Me: Don't feel like it.

Saint: Go... Do homework.

Me: It's done.

Saint: Play a game.

Me: Already did. Bored...

Saint: Oh, jeez, go get drunk! You can do that legally now. Just GET OUT OF MY HAIR!

So that's all I've been hearing since I've turned 21.

Now you might be wondering what MY opinion is.

Well, after the night that Saint finally let Jay give me a drink...


Me: Saint! Saint! SAINT!

Saint: -sighs- What now?

Me: I've got a... I've got a... A ribbon! Look!

Saint: I see that, Fang.

Me: -puts ribbon around neck- Look! I'm- I'm Blaine! You know, Blaine! Blaine from Glee!

Saint: I know who Blaine is.

Me: I'm Blaine Freaking Potter! -giggles- Niki, I'm Blaine!

Niki: Oh my God... -headshake-

Saint: This was your idea, Jay.

Jay: At least he's not crying like Tom. Or lying on the floor like Jessie.

Saint: ...We've had too many drunk people in this house.

Jay: As long as they're not at the same time.

Me: PARTY! -trips on chair and falls over-

Saint: Now he's on the floor like Jessie.

Niki: At least he's not lying there trying to call his boyfriend.

Saint: While putting his husband on hold.

Niki: -laughs- SLUT!

Me: Hey hey HEY! -trying to stand up- I am NOT a slut! I only got to kiss Max! Like, a couple times! And Saint, she- She MOUTH RAPED ME AT THE DENTIST!

Jay and Niki: -stare at Saint-

Saint: Heh, long story.

Me: And then, uh, then uh there was that, uh... Saint, what was I going to say?

Saint: Nothing. Go to bed.



Despite the entertainment purposes I serve, I don't think I need to drink. At all.

...I suppose.

I mean, not a lot, anyway.

I just... I...

Ok, so with how these types of things travel through my body, I shouldn't drink.

I mean, I believe drinking is one of those things that should be done responsibly by only those that can have self-control and such... I guess, for me, that means I shouldn't drink at all...

Which, kinda sucks, in a way...

I should actually do as I say I should...

Ok, so I might have been drinking a small glass of Niki's wine while writing this entry... Not anything anyone needs to tell Saint... Not a big deal...

...It's really quiet in my room, suddenly. I had music playing and it just... Stopped...

...Saint, you're right behind me, aren't you?

Please hold.

Saint: Ever since he turned 21, my life has been living heck. -headdesk-

I mean, it's not like he's an alcoholic or anything. He hasn't bought one drink for himself yet and he's not trying to drink every other night or anything. It's just... How do you explain to the guy that, despite how much he wants to, he can't just be a normal 21 year old? He gets a buzz just from smelling a glass of wine, I swear. He just needs to... Plan better.

You know, like, we have to work tomorrow, so drinking tonight probably isn't a good idea. He'll have to deal with the headache in the morning.

...But he's a big boy now, I guess. I just need to let him learn from his mistakes...

Ah, Hell. I've been bossing him around since high school. Why stop now?

Me: You know, this is MY Journal! Since when do you write in MY Journal? It's called FANG'S Journal! FANG'S! Is your name Fang? No, your name is-

Saint: -covers Fang's mouth- And you are ALL sorts of done! I'm sending you to bed...

Me: You coming, too? Huh?

Saint: Could've had a depressed drunk. Could've had a quiet drunk. Even could've dealt with an angry drunk. But no, Fang's one of those obnoxious and flirtatious drunks.

Me: I'm not THAT drunk!

Saint: -sigh- You're getting there... Come on, bed.

Me: What's the rush? We can take things slow...

Saint: I would sooo make fun of you for that, but I'm tired and you're annoying me.

-Fang, with the support of Saint. Literally, he needs the support to make it into bed.

31. Pottermore?

So... Any of you Harry Potter fans joined up with Pottermore yet?

Now that the site's open to the public, I figured I'd make my own account rather than just live vicariously off of Saint's beta account. (Of course the crazy fangirl had to get into the beta version.) So, the other night, I logged into Pottermore and liveblogged my first night on the site via Tumblr.

You wouldn't think joining a simple fansite would be so... Emotionally draining.

My first big decision was my username. It would've been cool to get something with 'Fang' in it, but I wasn't so lucky. Instead, my choices were:






After automatically rejecting 'EyeChaser' (WTF?) I took a minute puzzling over possible names before (with the help of some Tumblr-user suggestions) settling with 'WingLumos31330' (friend me!). It has 'wing' in it. It works.

And then I was off on my Pottermore journey...

...But not before adding Saint as my friend. (She insists I shamelessly plug her name, RoseFirebolt177.) Saint, who was sitting right behind me during this ordeal, wouldn't shut up 'till I added her.

I got through the first couple chapters fine. Found all kinds of useless items and learned all sorts of HP facts. But I couldn't really focus on all of that much, not with Diagon Alley so close...

And then I was there, shopping for my school supplies for my very first year.

Then my next decision arose. What do I want for a pet? I debated a black cat for awhile but, after remembering the rocky relationship Saint's cat, Sasha, and I had for so long, I ended up with a Screech Owl. Still working on a name for him. He needs something 'loud' and majestic-sounding.

Then, we got to the important part: My wand.

Now, thanks to Saint's 'A Day in Therapy' series, I've been known to wield the Elder Wand once in a while, but I was curious what sort of wand would choose me. (After all, the wand chooses the wizard!) I was presented with a seven-question quiz asking me... The most ridiculous crap ever.

Ok, I get the height thing. But what does my eye color have to do with my wand? And so what if I'd pick a forest over the sea or a castle?

Either way, though, as weird as the questions were, they... Worked.

Apple with Dragon core, Thirteen inches, Rigid.

Meet my wand.

And yes, I am HIGHLY aware of the number of sexual jokes I can make concerning this, but Saint's still glaring at me for torturing her with them last night, so I'll leave them up to you guys. :P

And, of course, right after I get my wand, I also get a load of new information concerning wand woods and cores.

For instance, did you know dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power? They are also the easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though none of you have to worry, I'm not the next Dark Lord.

...How do you do a follow-up act to Voldemort, anyway?

Moving on, on the flip side, apple wood wands mix poorly with dark magic, making my combination of it with dragon heartstring... Interesting. But it's also a rare wand wood as it's powerful and best suited to an owner of high aims and ideals. And the ability to converse with magical beings in their native tongue is common among apple wood owners, so... Maybe I'll learn to speak Parseltongue? Merpeople language? ...Do centaurs have their own language?

At least, this was Mr. Ollivander's take on my wand. Saint's take was much more... Simplistic.

Saint: Oh, jeez, look at this...

Apple Tree- You get food from it.

13 inches - It would be unlucky 13.

Dragon Core - The 'cool' creature, in Fang's book.

Rigid - Oh the sexual jokes he could make.

Yes, this is Fang's wand.

I hate to admit when she has a point...

So, I had my wand and my screech owl. Now, just a short trip on the Hogwart's Express and on to the Sorting Ceremony!

...And the most ridiculous mental breakdown I have ever suffered.

I made it to the entrance hall, the part right before the Sorting Ceremony, and I could not go forward. I sat there, aimlessly exploring the picture and reading up on Professor McGonagall until Saint, who I had almost forgotten was there, let out a groan.

Saint: Can we just sort you already?

Me: I... Can't do it.

Saint: -sigh- Why not?

Me: ...I don't know! I just can't!

Saint: I would be so annoyed if I didn't totally understand...

Saint sort of understood my pain. Saint was a die-hard Ravenclaw and was determined to get sorted into that very house. Actually, she was on the verge of mental breakdown if she didn't. Other sorting quizzes had placed her in Hufflepuff and she was slowly losing her mind over the whole deal, knowing in her heart that she was a true Ravenclaw. If the Pottermore Sorting Hat insisted she was anything but a Ravenclaw, her life would be a lie.

So Saint was, thankfully, placed in Ravenclaw.

I never saw a girl get so hysterically happy over the results of an internet quiz.

And now, it was my turn. That defining moment in every Potter fan's life.

The Sorting.

Before I even began, Saint and I had speculations. I always said, on a good day I was a Gryffindor and on a bad day I was a Slytherin. Saint said if I got into Hufflepuff she'd giggle a little and make 'finder' jokes all day.

I was determined not to be a Hufflepuff for this reason.

Again, the magical number of seven for questions. I tried to answer as honestly as possible, which became... Eye-opening. Like, it asked me if I'd rather be guaranteed love, wisdom, power, or glory. I realized I had no need or wish for power or glory, much more content to just lay low and care for my own. And, though wisdom is nice, I didn't need it that much. So... Love. The love of my family, my friends... Max. When I thought about it, it suddenly didn't seem like the laughable choice.

Then... Would I rather be envied, imitated, trusted, praised, liked, or feared? I chose trusted, knowing that, whether I was Max's second-in-command, leader of Fang's Gang, or being Saint's personal assistant, trust was a big deal. I needed to be trusted by those I worked with.

I answered five other seemingly random questions as well. Then, the page announcing my House began to load.

And I switched tabs.

Saint: What the Hell are you doing?

Me: I can't look.

Saint: LOOK.

Me: I really don't need to-

Saint: I'll look...


. . .

I'm still... Well, Saint refers to my condition as 'Sorting Shock'.

I'm... Well, it' placed me in...

Saint: Fang...






...I'm a Ravenclaw.



My life is a lie...

Skits (a true Hufflepuff who was placed in Gryffindor) and I have this theory that The Sorting Hat sometimes gets distracted making sexy faces at The Scarf of Sexual Preference and puts students in the wrong house. I think I need to start a petition.

Saint: Hey, Ravenclaw is an awesome house to be in!


Saint: Not true! Niki's happy with Hufflepuff!

Me: Whatever...

-Fang, Ravenclaw House, Unsatisfied.

32. I End With A Beginning

For those of you who don't read 'St. Fang's Poetry Corner', a little update for you. Saint has decided to make some changes in order to improve her ability to write and update more often as well as to eliminate some unnecessary stress from her life.

The first thing she has decided to do is to end the Poetry Corner as well as Fanfiction Meets YouTube, so that she can pour her energies into other fics that need her attention more.

The other change she's making... Well, I have decided to reveal this particular 'change' in my own way.

Because I have decided, along with Saint ending those two fics, to end my Journal.

Not like I update it, anyway.

But, as a going-away gift to all of you awesome people who actually took the time to read the crap I've posted here, I'm going to give you... A moment in my life. One I'm sure many of you have been curious about since the first day you ever read a dialogue between Saint and I.

I give you...

How Saint Met Fang

I remember a bright light, like the one they talk about you seeing at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I blinked, trying to get my eyes to adjust, wondering if I was dead.

Then, my eyes adjusted and I nearly had a heart attack.

I found myself staring straight into the most terrifying face of...

Barney the Dinosaur.

I am so, so sorry for anyone I just mentally scarred for life with that image.

I jumped back slightly, feeling my wings brush up against something behind me as they fanned out in an automatic 'flight or fight' response. I quickly realized that wouldn't be possible, though, seeing how I was inside... Somewhere.

It looked like a room in someone's basement. The light came from a lamp directly above my head, as well as a window placed high up near the ceiling, like basement windows usually are. The horrible dinosaur was actually a stuffed animal, sticking out of a large pile of stuffed animals, like I had been thrown into some demented toddler's closet. I was lying in one of the few toy-free areas in the room, on a musty-smelling old mattress.

How the Hell had I gotten here?

I felt movement on the mattress behind me, something brushed against my feathers. Slowly, I sat up, scanning the room for every possible exit while considering how well Barney might work as a weapon.

As soon as I was in a sitting position, I took a deep breath, and turned.





"WHAT IS WITH THE SCREAMING?!" yelled a third voice, but I was too focused on the face in front of me to check on who it was.

Sitting on the mattress next to me, practically nose-to-nose, was a girl. She looked maybe just a little older than me and was dressed in, of all things, a long, black cloak. The cloak had a hood that I figured was supposed to be covering her head, but it had fallen, reavealing frizzyish dark blonde hair and a pair of wide blue-green eyes that were staring with shock directly into mine.

"What happened?" Said the third voice again. It was a male's voice, and I now realized it came from where I had seen the door. "Who is he?"

"I... I think it's Fang." The girl said, not taking her eyes off of me. "I... Summoned Fang..."

"Well, what'd ya go and do that for?" Said another voice, also male. The girl finally broke eye contact with me and turned toward the two voices. I turned as well, and saw something that only made my situation even more confusing.

Standing at the doorway was the strange and the stranger. The strange was a short little man with curly brown hair and bare, hairy feet. The stranger was a freaking purple penguin, standing there with his wings crossed across his chest.

"Like I said, why'd you do that for?" the penguin said again, looking at the girl.

"It wasn't on purpose!" The girl snapped.

"Excuse me?" I finally said. "What the Hell is going on here?!"

The cloaked girl held up a hand, basically shushing me. "As I was saying, it was an acci-"

"HEY!" I snapped, not too impressed with being told to wait. "I asked what was going on! Where am I?!"

The girl turned to look at me, this time shooting me an annoyed glare. She sighed. "I accidentally sucked you out of a book and now you're in a basement in New Hampshire. Now could you just chill for a second while I talk to my people?"

"People? One of them is a penguin." I pointed out.

"Yeah, and the other's a hobbit. Racist or something?" She shot back. She didn't wait for me to answer, turning back to consult her 'people'. "So, guys-"

"You sucked me out of a book?" I asked skeptically. What was that supposed to even mean?

This time, the glare she shot me was almost Max-level scary. "Rude little featherbrain, aren't you?"

"You're the one that's ignoring me." I replied.

"You probably should talk to him." the little person, or the 'hobbit', as she'd called him, advised the girl. "He seems a lot more... Coherent than others you've summoned."

"Probably because I didn't summon him... Concsiously, at least." the girl said, before turning her attentions back to me. "I'm gonna try to explain this quick. You are a character from a fictional book. At least, that's what you are considered in this world. My guess is that means works of fiction can actually be portals to other dimensions, but that's not the point. Point is, I've recently discovered the power to pull people from their own dimension into mine, and now I've accidentally pulled you out. You understand now?"

"I understand you're crazy." I said, crossing my arms, convinced I'd somehow been dragged into the house of a complete whackjob.

She rolled her eyes, then began searching around the mattress. With an 'Aha!', she pulled something our from behind what looked like a stuffed whale, handing it to me. "Take a look at this."

Into my hands, she'd dropped a book. I turned it over to read the cover.

Maximum Ride.


I began flipping through the pages, the others just watching me in silence, like the way I was reacting was somehow abnormal. I read a couple pages, my shock just... Growing. How could someone know? How could someone be in Max's head? The Voice? But... If there had been a book, we would've known... It even said something about it being a bestseller somewhere.

How could we not know about a book like this?


But no, that's just crazy.

At least, I thought it was until I noticed something about this book. There were blank spots on the pages, like a word had just been omitted again and again.

"That's... Never happened before." I heard the girl say, looking over my shoulder. "Your name's been... Erased from the book."

"None of this have ever happened before!" the penguin said. "Look at him! He's coherent! He's in shock! He's not an echo at all!"

"An echo?" I asked.

"Every other time I've summoned a character, well, it's never really been them I've summoned, more like a shadow of them. I've never had anyone really react to finding out they're a book character. They just come to do what they're summoned for then they're sent back, no questions. But you... You're questioning. You're no echo, you're completely alive."

"Yeah..." I said in that 'you're crazy but I'm gonna humor you' voice.

"What actually happened?" the hobbit asked.

"I was just sitting here, flipping through my Maximum Ride book." the girl explained. "And then I got knocked out."

The penguin, who was still crossing his wings, rolled his eyes. "There must be more to it than that."

The girl's eyes drifted downwards, studying the old mattress as she spoke. "I was... I was feeling lonely and..." She looked back up, seeming to abandon her attempts at explaining her feelings. "Look, I may have said something like... 'I wish I had someone like Fang.' or something to that effect."

"And it somehow triggered your powers and ripped him out of the book." the hobbit said.

The girl nodded. "That's what I'm thinking."

I stared down at the book in my hand, suddenly very tired of all this insanity. "Well... Put me back."

There was silence, and I looked up to see the girl's face fall slightly.

"What?" I asked.

"Well... You're probably my favorite book character of all time." She explained. "I'd like to... Talk to you..."

"You got to talk to me." I said. I didn't want to be here anymore. I needed to get back to the Flock. "Now send me home. You've read these books or whatever, so you must know my Flock needs me."

"Needs you for what, exactly?" the penguin asked. He sounded curious. "Like, what was the last thing you remember doing before you showed up here?"

"I-" I stopped, my mind a complete blank. What had I been doing? I... Couldn't remember. I had so many memories of the Flock and I, but for some reason, when I tried to focus on the exact last thing I had been doing, it was a blank slate. And now that I was trying, I realized my memories seemed jumbled, out of order. The more recent they were, the harder they were to focus on.

"It doesn't matter! What matters is my Flock is probably going crazy looking for me, so PUT ME BACK!" I snapped, not exactly succeeding in biting down a growing wave of panic.

The girl sighed, but stood up, grabbing the book from me and placing it down on the bed, open, between us. She raised her hands in the air.

I have taken something that I did not mean.

I have witnessed something I should not have seen.

Send this traveler through time and space,

To be put back in his proper place.

And then...


Her hands dropped to her sides. "That's odd... That always works... Or at least does something." She commented.

"What was that?" I asked, annoyed.

"A rhyming spell." the girl answered. "They usually do the trick. This is strange..."

"Try something else." I told her.

She stood there, twisting the long sleeves of her cloak nervously. "I... Don't know what else to do... This is just-"

"Fix. This." I was practically growling.

As I spoke, I heard a muffled voice coming from above.

"That's my mom." the girl said. "Oh my God... Ok, I'll just..." She looked at me. "You stay here, and we'll try something else when I come back."

"No!" I exclaimed. "You need to fix this now!"

"No time, but I'll be working on it. Just stay here. I'll be back with food later." She turned to her two companions. "Spiffy, Pooky, guard him." The two saluted and stepped outside.

"You can't keep me here!" I said, starting to stand. But she had already moved to the doorway. "You..." I paused, realizing something. "I don't even know you're name."

"I'm..." She paused for a moment, then a smile stretched across her face. "I'm Rebecca, but... You can just call me 'Saint'. Now, you be good and stay quiet." She winked before quickly stepping out the door and shutting it. I heard the click of a lock.

I raced to the door and tried the doorknob, but it didn't budge. "You can't keep me in here! You here me miss... Saint?! You can't keep me! It's wrong! It's illegal! It's... It's..." I struggled before finally finding just the word to describe this insane situation.

"It's kidnapping!"

And the rest is history...

Obviously, she was never able to get me back in that book, a book that is now kept in a very safe place in the Therapy Center. We now believe it was her emotions that overactivated her abilities, basically taking life from one world and creating it in another.

She 'kidnapped' me. And I give her a lot of shit about it. We've made so many attempts to put me back, but not so much anymore. I honestly wonder, with everything I've been through here, if I could belong there anymore.

Maybe I was never even really there. Maybe I'm just another (though highly advanced) 'echo'.

Either way, as much as I talk about escape, I have a feeling I'm not going anywhere.

Not as long as Rebecca St. Marie needs me.

Yeah, everyone. That's her name. ..Sort of. 'Rebecca Marie' is her first and middle names. She mashed them together with 'Saint' to create 'Rebecca St. Marie'. She believes her last name, her father's family name, is irrelevant.

(Honestly, if it were easier to legally change your name, Rebecca St. Marie would be her name now.)

And we're in New Hampshire. Great state. Nothing happens.

I'm telling you this because Saint's decided to drop the secrets. She had it with the stress, with sometimes feeling like she had two different personas when both 'Saint' and 'Rebecca' were one and the same.

The basics of it are, she doesn't see a point in the secrecy anymore.

Saint: Besides, I think I can do so much more and be so much more for others if I'm not trying to hide myself behind an image.

Me: Barging in on my Journal again?

Saint: It's my last chance, of course I am! Besides, I've gotta say one thing...


Or any form of that.

You may all continue to call me Saint.

...Seriously, it'll freak me out if you don't.

I'd actually like it if people in real life called me 'Saint'.

Me: So... You done?

Saint: Yeah, yeah. Just hurry up. It's 1:29 on November 1st and I've gotta get going on my NaNoWriMo novel.

Me: Got it... So, it's been a blast, everyone. I've enjoyed writing this journal and reading your comments. But I've got other things to do, too. Like keep that nutjob, Saint, in line. I'll still be around, in the Author's Notes and such. You can always drop me a line through PMs or on Saint's Tumblr. Don't be strangers!

And... I think it's time to end this.

Fly on,