Fang's Friendly Fun Help Column by Tomo Potter

A/N: Hi all! Right now I don't have much access to my own computer, so I've started this up as a project to work on when I'm bored. Note; this will be very silly, and not my usual at all, so bear with me and my insanity.

WARNING: Contains Figgy and Fax and every other pairing you can think of.

DISCLAIMER: I'm sexy? I MEAN um… I do not own these characters, or the questions, I just own myself.

Fang's Friendly Fun Help Column!

"Do I have to?" Fang whined, really not liking this.

"You bet your sexy arse you do." Grinned the blonde girl pushing him along. She sat Fang down firmly in front of the computer, and handcuffed him to the chair.

"There." Tomo Potter smiled in satisfaction. "Now. The deal is this. People will send in any questions at all for you via review, or PM, or e-mail ( tomo(underscore)kat(at)hotmail(dot)com just switch the bits in brackets for symbols!) and you will answer them! The questions can be anything, from asking for advice, to I've already got a few here submitted by friends, so away you go!"

Dear Fang

I want to lick your nipples

Love, Iggy

Fang sighed. This was going to be a looooong few months.

Dear "Iggy"

Um… no.

Fang

The next one was almost indecipherable, and Fang had to squint to make it out.

Dear Fnick l0l

H0w d0 u get s0 h0tt? L0l ru single?

Luv Mel

Dear Mel

I am naturally incredibly good looking, of course, and I am unsurprised that a girl such as yourself is attracted to such a gorgeous specimen as myself. However, I would appreciate it if you would learn to spell better, as I had a hard time making out what on earth you were trying to say.

Fang

The next E-Mail made Fang groan, casting his eyes over at the laughing blonde in the corner.

Dear Fang.

Iggy wants you to lick his nipples. You don't want to disappoint a blind man, now do you?

Love, Tomo

"Dammit, I am not gay!" He shouted back, sending Tomo into a mad giggling fit.

Dear Fang

I am a teenage girl, and I want to know how to fly. Please come teach me.

Love Laura.

Dear Laura.

I'm afraid you'd really rather not.

Fang.

Dear Fang

Are you gay?

Love, Dani

Fang sighed… apparently this harpie had likeminded friends.

Dear Dani

WHY are you people so fixated on this? NO, I am not gay! Haven't you READ the books?

Fang

Dear Fang

Are you sure? Because you and Iggy seem mighty… close

Love Tomo

Dear Idiots

Yes, I'm sure.

Fang.

The next few were replied to in rapid sucession, and left Fang feeling more and more confused.

Dear Fang

Where do you get your feathers polished?

Ciri

Dear Ciri.

I don't polish my feathers… it'd be rather silly, since they live IN MY BACK.

Fang.

Dear Fang

Well if you don't polish your feathers, then who does?
Ciri

Dear Ciri

I'm not sure what you're on about…

Fang

Dear Fang

Does it feel good having your feathers polished?

Ciri

Dear Ciri

Um…

Fang

Dear Fang

Dammit, lick Iggy's nipples!

Love Tomo

At this, Iggy stood up. "Dammit woman, leave me alone!" He stormed out of the room, chair trailing behind him, to the sound of Tomo's hysterical fits of laughter.

A/N: Send in your questions for Fang! Also, check out my forum, where I will post polls and the like for your amusement. –pluggy plug plug-

A/N: Babysitting is boring. Also, I cut my hair! Recently there's been a lot of shit in my life, which also means there is lots of FANFICTION coming! YAAAY! So stay tuned.

Warnings: See last chapter, plus more crude humour from me.

-giggles- penis

Fang's Fun Friendly Help Column!

The light hit Fang's eyes like a bullet, causing him to slam them shut. He attempted to roll over, only to feel chains attatched to his arms. Wait… CHAINS?

He sat up fully in a blind panic, only to find himself chained to a chair in front of a computer.

"OH GOD!" Fang screamed. "NOT THIS AGAIN!"

"Yes." Said an angry voice behind him. "Very much yes. I was dumped yesterday, and my best friend of ten fucking years died on Saturday night, so YES. This again."

Tomo came into view glaring mutinously at him, a look that could burn through anything. Her usual dark makeup was streaked all down her face in perfect imprints of tears, and her once long, bushy blonde hair was now almost Marilyn Monroe-ish, cut short and layered into a pretty wave.

Fang winced, seeing the glare directed his way, that would kill an alpaca. "Okay okay, I'll write the answers!"

"Yay!" Tomo smiled, perfectly happy now. She wiped her face with a cloth, and sat back waiting. When Fang hadn't written anything, or even moved for a full ten minutes, she spoke, somewhat crabbily.

"What are you waiting for?" Tomo snapped.

"My hands are sort of chained to the chair."

There was a long pause. "Oh." Another long pause. Then Tomo got up, and unchained Fang's arms. "The legs stay chained though. No fleeing."

"Sure." Fang eyed her, and Tomo sat back down at her laptop.

'Okay.' Fang thought to himself. 'Just survive this, and she'll leave you alone for awhile.'

The first e-mail made Fang groan inwardly. Not this again.

Dear Fang

is iggy ticklish and if so where and how did you acquire this knowledge?

From coffeelover369

To coffeelover369

Yes, Iggy happens to be very ticklish. I found out because Gazzy sees the need to tickle everyone. It's rather disturbing.

Fang

Dear Fang

Can you come tickle my special regions?

Love, Iggycakes.

"Stop that!" Fang yelled aloud, glaring at the maniacally tickling Tomo, and moved on to the next e-mail.

Dear Fang

The eternal question: Boxers or Briefs? Or my personal favorite...commando!

EvilSarcasm217

EvilSarcasm217

I can't afford underwear. Lest you forget, I'm on the RUN without adjacent washing facilities. What is wrong with you dirtyminded people!

Fang

Darling Fang

I'm not wearing underwear either!

Love and licks, Iggy

"DAMN, LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M NOT GAY!" Fang yelled, glaring at Tomo.

dear fang, when r u gonna get 2gether wit max? and iggy, if you're hearing this, get together with nudge! the suspence is killing me! Blackie Celeste and Kiara

"STOP!" Tomo said, freezing the fanfic. "At this point, I would like to make a bold statement." She stood up, staring straight at the reader with an intensely angry expression. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? FUDGE IS WRONG! EW!

"I mean Jesus Christ, even if Iggy were straight, you neglect the fact that Nudge is ELEVEN. Not to mention that Iggy and Nudge have ZERO chemistry. Christ, Iggy/Gazzy is more plausible than Fudge. At least they interact in the flipping books. My GOD, going off canon, FANG/ANGEL IS MORE PLAUSIBLE. And don't scream at me, I HAVE done the research. I know what I'm talking about. FUDGE IS VILE AND DISGUSTING. IGGY IS GAY. FOR LIFE. OFFICIALLY."

She then settled back into her seat, and things all went back to normal.

Fang blinked. "What just happened?"

"Nothing." Tomo smiled sweetly. "Just keep responding."
Fang shrugged and turned to the next message.

Dear Fang

Do you smoke dope?

Headless Steve

Fang blinked a couple of times, before putting fingers to keys.

Headless Steve

As I have said many times before, I am on the run. I can't afford dope right now. Maybe when I get back I could see if my guy could hook me up again though…

Fang

Dear Fang,
Why are you denying your Sexylove(coughcoughIggycoughcough)? You're breaking his poor blind pyro cooker heart!

danceswithwings119

danceswithwings119

OH MY GOD, YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY! ARGH!

Fang

Fang

I've got something cooking for you…

Sexylove

Tomo

Stop that. I mean it.

Fang

Fang

What do you mean? It's Iggy. I was just saying I'm cooking a steak for you for dinner.
Sexylove

Iggy

Then what the hell's up with the sexylove thing?
Fang

Fang

What sexylove thing?

Sexylove

Iggy

I think you've been hacked. And I know who by.

Sexyarse

Fang

Um… I think it's got you too –snicker- sexyarse?

Sexylove

Iggy

Better than sexylove. Because I do have a sexy arse.

Sexyarse

Fang

Are you hitting on me?

Sexylove

Iggy

OH GOD NO
Iggy's no1 fangirl

Fang

…whatever. Dinner's in an hour.

Licky

"DAMN YOU!" Fang shouted at Tomo who laughed madly, fleeing the room and leaving Fang chained to the chair, in front of a dead computer.

A/N: Well that made me feel better. It's been a shit week folks. Some proper fanfiction coming by tomorrow night, hopefully.

A/N: Wrong computer, but I had a funny idea I had to write. Plus, I've suddenly come into a mad influx of questions for darling sexyarse.

Yeah, I've officially decided that this fic will wind up as Figgy. There are gonna be a lot of twists and turns, but that's the way it's headed.

WARNING: Tomo is bringing SEXY BACK!

DISCLAIMER: I own Tomo! Everything else is the property of others.

Fang's Fun Friendly Help Column

"Hi!" Tomo smiled, addressing the reader directly. "First off, I would like to apologise for an error I made last time. I referred to Iggy/Nudge as Fudge. That's not correct. It's known as NIGGY. Fudge is Fang/Nudge. I apologise. I'm not actually used to the abbreviation thingies anyway. Also, in this chapter I make references to Fang liking Pepsi. I.HATE.PEPSI. However, for some reason I see Fang as being a Pepsi guy, while Iggy would be more into coke." There was a long pause. "Shut up. Anyway... on with the fic."

Fang's eyes flashed open, looking around panickedly. Joy. He was strapped to the chair again. But something was different... it was softer... and warmer... and...

"ARGH!" Came Iggy's scream from beneath Fang, followed by Fang's own yell. The two were tied tightly together at the thighs, Fang's backside ground hard into Iggy's crotch. How Tomo managed to do this, he had no idea... was she... drugging them?

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON?" Iggy shouted, clearly not as used to this as Fang.

"It's that girl. The kidnapping one I told you about." Fang sighed. "She's probably around here somewhere."

"Greetings boys." Tomo said smoothly, the lights flicking on and revealing the bane of Fang's existence sitting on a chair behind the closed laptop, a sleek smile on her face. "It's that time again. Aren't you glad you've got a companion this time, Fang?"

"NO!" Fang yelled, glaring at her, and wriggling against his binds. Iggy made a low pitched groaning sort of noise, and Tomo laughed delightedly.

"Fang... PLEASE stop moving." Iggy said in a strained voice. Fang took no notice, continuing his desperate attempt to break the ropes binding him to Iggy.

"Fang, PLEASE!" Iggy cried, more desperate than ever. Fang was going to disregard, when he felt something poking gently into him. That froze him dead, and Tomo burst out in the hysterical, tear-jerking laughter she had obviously been containing.

"Okay, okay." Tomo smiled, wiping her face in an attempt to contain her mystique. "So as you can see Fang, you have a question partner today. This is going to be fun." She smiled, a vapid grin on her face.

"You're a bitch." Fang glared at her.

"I drink in your praise." Tomo smiled, standing up and twirling around happily like a ballerina. She then slunk over to the chair, undoing the cuffs that bound Fang's arms to the arms of the chair. She opened the computer, and then it was go time.

Dear Fang,

lol XD I feel sorry for you dude. If it makes you feel better, everyone is in love with you. My friend named her cat after you. And Iggy, My sister named her cat after you too!

Irish Ninja

Irish Ninja

Thanks for the sympathy, it means a lot. I'm rather flattered that you named your cat after me, as is Iggy. Thanks for not mentioning anything embarassing.

Fang

000

Fang,

Keep your hands off my man! I mean I know you have feelings for him and he does indeed have a sexy arse, not to mention every other part of him, but he's mine! Mwahahahahahhahahahahaha! Also ask Iggy if he can give me a good brownie recipe. Okay?

danceswithwings119

danceswithwings119

DAMNIT, despite what all you CRAZY people are saying, I am NOT IN LOVE WITH IGGY! I do not desire his arse, I do not want anything to do with his nipples, and I am NOT his "no1 fan"! You are WELCOME to him! ENJOY!

Also, Iggy says here's the recipe...

Take one cup of Fang's fine arse

Mix in a spoonful of sexy Iggy loving

Make sure to stir them gently

Add in some whipped creamy skin

Heat up, cover in special icing, and enjoy!

Fang

At this, Fang looked up, raising his eyebrow. "How the hell did you do that?"

Tomo shrugged. "You don't wanna know."

Fang

I was wondering... I'm thirteen years old, and I have just started my period. My body's been changing and developing really scarily, and lately I found this boy that I like... but none of this is anything compared to how in love with Iggy you are! OWN UP YOU POUF!

Kaylah

"Kaylah"

Fuck.You

Fang

000

Fang Darling

As you know, my thing is to bother you with connotations of how I think Iggy and you should sex. Since I tied you to his lap however, I am instead, going to attempt to make you squirm.

Tomolicious

Tomo

Go away.

Fang

Fangypoo

Fang's hand ran gently down Iggy's side, the pale skin trembling gently with the intensity of the touch. Fang pressed his lips lightly to Iggy's, before trailing fluttering kisses all down his neck, starting at the tip of his slightly pointed chin, and spotting softly down under his chin, along his voice box, and down to the indentation between his clavicles, where he lapped away at the creamy skin. Iggy whimpered softly, his body twisting, fists clutching the soft, silken sheets upon which he lay. Fang returned to sprinkling the light kisses across Iggy's chest. When he encountered a nipple, he sucked it gently into his mouth, skilled tongue lavishing it with gentle affections. Iggy squeaked with surprise, before a few soft, pleasurable moans escaped his mouth. After a final playful lick at Iggy's nipple, the skilled tongue trailed on down Iggy's bare stomach, the skin shivering and rippling with sensation, as Fang's mouth reached his --

"AAAH!" Fang screamed, bucking violently in his seat, his mind filled with the horror of what he had just read. Tomo laughed a wicked, delighted laugh, before standing up and patting Fang softly on the head.

"Poor baby." She smiled. "Don't worry, before long I'll have you making Iggy feel like that by your own choice, mark my words. I'm feeling generous however, so there's just one more e-mail before I'm gonna let you two darling boys go."

Fang turned his eyes to the computer, sighing with the predictable fare he encountered.

Fang,

Pepsi, Coke, or Hot Suprise Buttsex from Iggy?

Haley

Haley

I'm afraid I'm a Pepsi man myself, though Iggy here is more into Coke. As for the hot surprise buttsex? I'm afraid you'd have to ask my CHARMING hostess about that one, it seems more like something that would suit her tastes.

Fang

A/N: Thanks for reading:D For now I'm keeping the slash innocent, comical, and forced, though this story will change as time goes by, I'm going to look more into the characters actual actions rather than the questions. Also, this is not the last you will see of that short passage of pure smut I wrote, it will be making a return shortly! For those who haven't noticed, I've bumped this story's rating up to M, and things are definitely going to heat up from here on in. KEEP SENDING IN QUESTIONS! They can be anything, from how Fang likes his coffee, to whether or not he would ever let Iggy go at him from up the arse, to asking his advice about what to wear to your bloody prom; if you have a question, Fang WILL answer it. Or suffer... -cracks whip-

Allllso, people have been dropping me lines as well, so here's my brief Tomo Answers spot!

maxridefanakakat: I e-mailed you! YAY! lol it's always good to find fellow Kiwi MRers :) I'm down in the southern island, how about you?

danceswithwings119: Of course I used the sexylove thing! OMG I swear I laughed so hard when I first saw that! XD Poor poor Fangypoo won't be able to resist sexylove forever.

kaylormonkey: Your question made me laugh so insanely hard that I honest to god had to go to the bathroom. It still makes me snigger lol... you have the same twistedly cute sense of humour I have. And although Fang would deny it to the death, I think that the surprise buttsex would make him even happier. LOL it reminds me of a quote from a scout camp I was at -shifty looks- "It's not rape, it's surprise sex!"

Oh gods, I am on such a sugar high right now. I shouldn't eat sherbert. :DDDDD

And thanks to everyone else who reviewed, keep those questions coming! -happy grin-

A/N: Hey hey :D I'm afraid I'm gonna have to change the rules now, because I'm confusing. I've received a couple of questions by e-mail, which got lost very quickly in my inbox (I have 1034 unread emails at this point in time, and that number doesn't look to be going down any.) so I'm going to ask... If you have a question for these boys, PLEASE send it in a review only (hereby contradicting my statement in chapter one) because it's very likely I'm going to miss any by e-mail (I usually only check the reviews page when writing.) If you e-mail a question, there is no guarantee that it'll make it into a story. Thank you!

Warning: More slash and sex jokes :D

Disclaimer: Everything that the light touches... belongs to James Patterson, not me.

Fang's Fun Friendly Help Column

By now, when Fang awoke strapped to a thankfully solid and nonsquishy chair, it was no surprise. He opened his eyes, wondering why it was so cold this time, and where Iggy was being held. Speaking of cold...

Fang looked down at himself, and yelped, his voice leaping up several octaves. Today, Fang was clad only in shiny leather underpants, much to his own personal horror.

"WHY?" He yelled, looking around for Tomo now. His eyes found her sitting relaxedly on another high chair, smiling a devilish smile.

"Ah, so you're finally awake." She got up, revealing the chair to be a pair of pale knees. Oh... there Iggy was. "Well, I came to say goodbye. I have things to do today, and I'm afraid you two are just going to have to run things yourselves." She smiled. "You know what to do."

"And what if I don't?" Fang snarled, glaring at the smiling girl with intense malice in his eyes.

"Then it's hot surprise buttsex time! Don't forget I still control everything." She gave him an angry, warning glare, and walked out, a cheerful smile on her hated face.

"Damn... bloody... wench..." Fang muttered, wrenching and twisting, attempting to get rid of the bonds. Eventually he sighed, wondering why the handcuffs around his legs felt so soft. He looked down, and blinked. The normal metal cuffs had been replaced by pink fuzzy ones, with a note attached from Tomo, presumably to go back with the cuffs.

freexflyer

Thanks so much for the cuffs! They're all soft and lovely, I have to get some of these for myself! Maybe with a leopard pattern... ooo that'd be fun! Anyhow, I think Fangypoo and Iggy pie will really enjoy these. And Fang definitely does want some Iggy pie, he just doesn't know it. Future events are sure to make things a lot more interesting... Bwahahahahaha!

Tomo

Fang blinked at this, frowning. What was that all about? Iggy... pie? What? He looked up, eyes flicking to Iggy, who was now squirming too.

"Fang, are you there?" Iggy called, eyes looking around blindly.

"Yeah." Fang sighed, looking at the computer screen he had come to dread now. "It's this again."

"Bloody brilliant." Iggy sighed. "Will you just get on with it so we can go back to normal?"

"Fine." Fang sighed, reading the first message.

Fang

Isn't the name Sanjana-nana just so sexy? Does it turn you on?

Jess :)

Fang groaned at this, wondering vaguely what these people were on, and where he could get some.

Jess

I'm afraid I don't find much attractive about names. Even if I did however, I can assure you that Sanjana-nana would be to me the verbal equiviliant of a hairy 300 pound man in a Sailor Moon costume.

Fang.

Fang,

if you won't admit that you love fucking iggy, atleast admit you love fucking max. YOUR BI! I KNEW IT!

sunybee

sunybee

As it so happens, I'm not up for fucking anyone right now. And my sexuality is none of anyone's business but my own. Although I must admit, you are... never mind, forget it.

Fang.

Fang

You are what? Right on the money?

Tomo

Tomo

Fuck off

Fang

The next question was along a similar line as the one before it, and made Fang groan again.

Fang

How about Max?

Sweetz

Sweetz

What about her?

Fang

Dear Fang,

If I were you I would watch my back. And Max's. It seems one of my friends has taken a liking to you and she's very... creative in ways to get what she wants. Also, If you don't want Iggy's arse you're insane! I mean have you looked at it recently! Tomo if he hasn't looked at Iggy's arse in a while will you make him? Thanks.

danceswithwings119

Fang frowned. This danceswithwings119 had been sending in a lot of questions. Suspicious.

danceswithwings119

I'll keep your advice in mind, and pass it on to Max. And I suppose I must be insane, because I see nothing desirable in the rear bumper of one of my MALE best friends.

Fang.

Fang blinked at a strong jerking sensation in his back, and realised with a jolt that the straps securing him to the chair were gone, and he was standing! He was free! Fang went to make for the exit, but nothing other than a violent twitch occurred. Instead, he walked almost robotically to Iggy's chair, which was now apparently see through. He dropped to his knees, sensing what was coming, and hating it. Nonetheless, his body crouched down, eyes latched to Iggy's behind. As Fang stared helplessly he realised that Iggy did in fact have a fantastic arse; just the perfect shape and size. And it looked good in shiny leather panties.

Her mission accomplished, Tomo used her powers to return Fang, in the blink of an eye, to the holding pen that was his chair, the next message open in front of him.

Dear Fangy,

would you rather iggy on top or bottom?

forbala

Fang gritted his teeth, forcing his hands to behave. This was beyond humiliating.

forbala

I'd rather Iggy were far, far away actually. I'm not even going to go near the sexual connotations of that question. I'd rather stay somewhat sane.

Fang

Fang

OMG! YOU ARE SO HOT AND YOU SHOULD JUST HAVE A THREESOME WITH ME AND IGGY! GOSH JUST DO HIM ALREADY! I WILL WAIT FOR YOU MY LOVE!

Missy plus Fang equals hot,sexylove!!!!

Missy

I'm not even going to respond. However, if you're ever looking for a good time, and are hot, hit me up.

Fang.

Dear Fang

I would recamend hiding a saw in your pants or something to cut away the ropes. And who would want to touch a dude with a saw in his pants? Someone could get cut! lol just and idea. Have fun with the saw

-Irish Ninja

Irish Ninja

Thank you for the surprisingly helpful advice. Tomo seems to have the ability to remove my pants (Not even going to think about that) but I will give it a try. Thanks again.

Fang

Dear Fang,

How long has it since you've had a bath and/or ejaculated?

-Ren and Lexi

Ren and Lexi

I had a bath this morning.

Fang

Fang

Did you ejaculate while in the bath?

Tomo

Tomo

I'm not going to answer, because I know you'll read far too much into it.

Fang

Fang

YAY! You DID! Hahahaha

Tomo

Fang hit his head lightly against the desk, before clicking on the next email.

Dear Fang,

Have you and Iggy ever done a 69? Oh, and I think you should both meet Jasper and Edward (they're from Twilight). They're trying to deny being gay too. YOU COULD ALL HAVE AN ORGY!

-Jasper's Fangirl

Jasper's Fangirl

I will say what I have said many more times than I would like; I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH IGGY! And no, no orgies. Sorry to disappoint.

Fang

The final ('Thank God!' Fang thought) email popped up on the screen, and Fang opened it with some trepidation.

Fang,

What's up with your emoliciousness? Why are you so emotastic?!

-Rose

p.s. You're in denial. You know you loooooove Iggy!

Rose

I am not emolicious, nor emotastic. I do have a diagonal fringe, and wear black clothes and eyeliner, and listen to My Chemical Romance, but that doesn't make me emo! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! I'm gonna go cry and write poetry about how everyone hates me!

Fang

P.S No I'm not. I never deny anything. I don't even know what denial means! AAAAA!

That done, Fang sighed with relief, feeling the constricting leather straps vanish, the furry pink handcuffs unclicking, and he stood up quickly, hearing Iggy do the same.

"Oh thank God!" Iggy smiled, walking over to Fang. "Say, why is it so cold?"

"Because you're wearing shiny leather panties." Fang sighed, looking away.

"Oh." Iggy blushed, attempting to cover himself. "So uh... how do we get outta here?"

TO BE CONTINUED!

Hahaha thanks for all the reviews guys! Some of the questions I got this week were absolutely great, they made me laugh so freaking hard! Hehe you guys rule! Seriously, if you all stopped reviewing, this story wouldn't happen. Thanks so much to everyone, you've all been amazing!

There might be a bit of a break before the next chapter, I have to get the storyline sorted in my head. Things have started for real now though, and it's only going to get more interesting from here. The Tomo character will be showing up a lot less, and some other characters are going to poke their heads in now. I'm not saying much for now, but if you give me a physical description of yourself along with a question, you WILL make an appearance. If you don't give a description, your question will still be featured, but you won't be there, of course. That's all the plot detail I can really give away at this stage, but here's a quick exert (subject to change) from the next chapter!

"Fang!" Iggy squeaked. "There's something touching my arm! What is it!"

"I don't know, the lights are out! Oh my god, there's something touching me too!"

There was a long pause, then Fang sighed. "Iggy, please let go of my arm."

"Sorry." Iggy blushed. "I got scared."

And some quick review responses!

kaylormonkey: DUH I used your question! It's the most hilarious thing I've ever seen! My friend agrees with me, we go around asking people if they want HSB now XD

freexflyer: Everyone wants Iggy pie. Thanks for the handcuffs!

Bellaness: Haha wow, thank you! I wish I was European lol... I wanna be French or German or something else with a sexy accent, but nope, I'm from Kiwi-a-gogo land indeed :)

The Pink Darkness; Thanks for the e-mail:)

A/N: YAY PLOT! I spent awhile working out the actual storyline I'm going to start following. As I said, the questions will stop playing such a big part, though PLEASE SEND THEM IN, as at THIS stage, they are still hugely important, and not getting any makes Iggy cry.

PLZ NOTE: Tomo is going away soon, and may not be able to update for some time. December/January is always a really busy time for me, as I spend most of it at my nana's house, where I only get an hour on the computer a day. I will see what I can do about updating, but DO NOT COUNT ON IT UNTIL MID-JANUARY. Then I will be home, in severe writing withdrawal, and looking to finish this AWESOME plot lol. YAY.

Warning: EXTREME COOLNESS.

PLZ NOTE 2: If you send in a question, a physical description of some kind, preferably including gender, would be just dandy. You will see why when you read this chapter.

Disclaimer: OwnNo.

Fang's Fun Friendly Help Column

"Great. We're trapped." Fang groaned. The door had vanished predictable, and they were left in a black room that appeared to be entirely empty. And then, something living brushed against his arm.

"Something just touched my arm!" Fang yelled, jumping.

"Me too!" Iggy wailed. Fang waited, prepared to kick whatever it was if it came back. He didn't have to wait long; a strong hand grasped tightly onto his forearm. Fang swung around, his leg hammering backwards into something. There was a loud cry Fang recognised, and he sighed.

"Iggy, please let go of my arm."

"Don't... bloody... kick." Iggy hissed, staggering to his feet. Fang was looking around pointlessly in the darkness, when a loud hiss erupted behind him, and he whirled around.

The barren black wall the computer had once been facing (It appeared to have vanished the way of the door) was slowly lowering, a stream of light and fog pouring into the room. Fang approached it warily, Iggy following, still clutching his stomach.

The wall hissed up, opening to reveal a small passageway, only leading a few feet, with a figure standing at the end of it. Mistaking her for Tomo, Fang charged, but as soon as he grew close, it became apparent that this was someone else. By the way her t-shirt said kaylormonkey, he was guessing this was her.

She was clearly a hologram, with brown hair that was easily seen through, and freckles dotting her face. As Fang stared, what was clearly a recording of her played. She was smiling excitedly, love for Fang (Iggy not quiiite so much) shining clearly in her eyes. Her mouth opened and the girl began to speak, the voice grainy as though off an old record.

"Fang,

Would you rather your last meal be:

A. Hot, fresh, sodo-muffins from Iggy.

or

B. Iggy's titty-sprinkles.

Yum.

Xoxoxo,

Haley"

Fang rubbed the sides of his head exasperatedly. He was considering just ignoring it, when a voice rung through the halls.

"I'd answer her if I were you. It's the only way out." Came Tomo's voice, glee evident in her tones. "And quite a delicious question, might I add."

"Fine." Fang groaned. Tomo had them beaten here. "Titty sprinkles. Sodomy would be painful."

The hologram smiled, and then flickered, and the wall ahead slid into the ground with many gravelly, crunching sounds. The walls of the passageway were gritty and concrete, though they had a greenish tint to them, which looked like it could have been added by moss. Iggy and Fang went ahead, before coming to the next wall. Fang groaned. Here there was no hologram, but a console set into the wall. Upon it's screen sat the next question.

dear fang,

admit you atleast find max attractive let alone constantly ressit the urge to fuck her. and iggy too. but max more. becuase your biness hasnt reached its maximum gay point yet. right?

sunybee

Fang closed his eyes for a moment, forcing himself to calm down. This was intolerable. Utterly insane. When he got his hands on her, Tomo was going to be killed.

sunybee

I don't want to fuck anyone right now. I want to escape. Besides, Max isn't here to find attractive. You are sick people, keeping us trapped like that.

Fang

When he hit the enter key, there was another grinding crunch, and the wall sank. Fang and Iggy leaped over it as soon as they could, sprinting for the next wall. This one too, held a console. Clearly, not everyone had offered a visual of themselves.

Dear Fang,

What would you prefer,

a) a game of strip chess with Iggy in the candlelight?

b) a game of "tickle my pickle" with Iggy?

c) some hanky panky with Iggy under the blankets?

d) a peice of Iggy pie?

P.S. I don't object to threesomes...

unauthorisedbooknerd

Fang actually growled slightly. These people were all insane! He hammered hard on the keys, as though he could punish them for this.

unauthorisedbooknerd.

I didn't know you needed authorisation to be a book nerd.

Iggy cooks nice pie. I fancy some of that now. Thanks a lot.

Fang

Again, the wall grumbled away, and they dashed forward, to the next console. Iggy could hear Fang's teeth grinding as he read it.

Dear Fang

So... When are you and Iggy getting together?

Alexandrea Isabelle Ride

Alex

Never.

Fang.

It was short, and the machine froze up for a second, but then the wall was going down, and Fang sighed with relief. They ran on, coming to the next wall. This one had a hologram, a redheaded girl of around fifteen, with a smile on her face. Her plain white t-shirt was inscribed in black with the simple block words "The Pink Darkness". She smiled hesitantly, then started to speak.

"Fang-

You strike me as the pudding type. Ever considered having a threesome in pudding? With Max & Iggy? Pudding + Threesome One Sticky, Hot Sexi Session

-Rose"

Fang rubbed his face in horror. This was a nightmare. Beyond a nightmare.

"No, I haven't, Rose. I'll keep it in mind though." There was a rumble, and The Pink Darkness vanished. Fang and Iggy hurried to the next wall, which also had a hologram. This one was of a Native American girl, with black hair, and curiously, a tail and ears. Her t-shirt was inscribed with the word kogasha She began to speak, grinning minxishly as she did so.

"Fang,

I know you want to get in Iggy's pants. But here's one thing I don't know. Do you watch him while he's in the shower?

- Cookie"

Fang wanted to pull her ears and tail clean off. Ugh.

"NO, I do not. I DO NOT WANT IN IGGY'S PANTS!"

"I feel loved." Iggy said dryly from behind Fang, as kogasha and the wall vanished.

"What, it's not like you want me in your pants." Fang snorted, raising an eyebrow. Iggy just raised one of his own, and Fang blinked. "Please tell me you don't want me in your pants, Iggy. I'm begging you."

Iggy just shrugged, heading off towards the next wall, this one only housing a console.

dear fangy,

how many times have you screwed iggy? exactly HOW MUCH did you love iggy in those leather panties??

forbala

Fang hesitated, before putting fingers to keys. He didn't know why he was being so truthful, but what Iggy had just said had shaken him. Could there be anything between him and Iggy? Was it even possible? He sighed, and typed quickly, glad Iggy couldn't see or hear the answer to this one.

forbala

I haven't screwed him. But... I think I like the leather panties. They make his arse look gorgeous.

Fang.

It was a risky move, and Fang knew it, but he hit the enter key anyway, and the wall crunched open. To Fang's surprise, this was not more empty corridor. There were refreshments here; food and drink, and Fang was incredibly grateful for them. As he and Iggy ran to replenish their energy, Fang found a note on the pie.

Fang

Truthfulness is rewarded. Remember that when you get tired and fancy a bed.

Tomo.

Fang had no idea what to think of the note, so he just tossed it aside, and chose to stuff his face, rather than dwell on it. Once they were full, Fang went over to the next wall, the hologram sparking to life at once.

A spark of anger was born behind Fang's eyes as he saw the name on her t-shirt; danceswithwings119. She was tall and tan, with long black hair, and a large book under one arm. She smiled knowingly at Fang, and began to speak.

"For your information, Fang, maybe I ask you questions because your funny and I'll never get a chance to talk to you or the flock! Oh and by the way you totally admitted that Iggy's ass is hot! Okay question time. You really don't like Max at all? I mean Iggy is indeed one of the hottest most irresistible people on the planet, but still. I mean, you kissed her and everything! What's going on with you two?"

Fang rubbed his face for what felt like the hundredth time before replying. "Max and I decided it wouldn't work. We just don't have the time for a relationship. Besides... It wouldn't work anyway." Fang winced, practically hearing Tomo's snide remark about Iggy but it didn't come, instead, he was met by the familiar grinding of the door, and the flicker of the vanishing hologram. He looked at Iggy, and together the two of them stepped through to the next chamber, cute little botties swaying in their tight leather panties.

A/N: THAT IS ALL FOR THIS TIME! YAAAAY! I only have a short teaser for next time, just ONE LINE, but I think you will love it. Keep sending those questions in!

Fang could practically hear Tomo's smile. "This." She said. "Is the Drag chamber."

And now some review responses! BWAHAHA!

kogasha: Sorry I didn't use the outfit you requested, but I want everyone to be dressed the same. Like evil clones only not. :D

Jacky06: Contrary to what seems to be popular belief, Fang/Iggy is actually a common pairing, one of my friends is writing a long Fang/Iggy fanfic (Up to chapter 13 now I think), and I have a couple others of my own posted on here :) And yeah, I'm a character haha. Exciting, no?

Well bye! See you all when I get home! -waves-