Facts of Life by St. Fang of Boredom

Category:Maximum Ride
Genre:Family, Humor
Characters:Fang, Max
Published:2009-04-22 12:24:21
Updated:2009-12-13 22:48:25
Packaged:2021-04-04 14:14:00
Summary:After Angel asks Max the 'dreaded question', Max decides it's time to teach the Flock a bit about 'The Facts of Life', much to poor Fang's displeasure. I'm rating this at a moderate T. Read rating notes inside, please! Teeny weeny bit o' Fax.

Table of Contents

1. Chapter 1
2. Chapter 2
3. Chapter 3
4. Chapter 4
5. Chapter 5
6. Chapter 6
7. Chapter 7
8. Chapter 8
9. Chapter 9
10. Chapter 10
11. Chapter 11
12. Chapter 12

1. Chapter 1

Inspired by me telling Fang about Midol.

Fang: I didn't want to know.....I will never look at women the same way again...

Me: Oh, by the way, Fang? Could you go get me the Midol? I-

Fang: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! -runs away-

Me: Scaring him is fun....

Guess What This Is! Is it a bird? A plane? A mutant bird-child? No, it's a Disclaimer!!: I do not own Maximum Ride. I also do not own Midol. Well, at least not the actual drug. I might have some in my medicine cabinet, but we don't really need to discuss that, do we?

Note on Rating: I'd put this in a moderate T. Might get a little explicit, but not enough to put it near M.

Note to Male Readers: Obviously, since I mentioned Midol, there may be mentionings of....Female issues. Just wanted to warn you.

Max's POV

"Max, where do babies come from?"

I willed myself not to jump ten feet into the air. I knew, someday that dreaded question was going to come out of one of the kid's mouths, but why did it have to be my baby, my Angel? I quickly tried to formulate a short answer that may satisfy her curiosity.

"Well, Angel, they....come from their Mommys. You've seen pregnant women before. That's where they come from." Genius answer, Max!

"Oh..." Angel said. She seemed to still be thinking.

"Why don't you go play with Nudge?" I asked, trying to distract her. We were at Mom's house, just hanging outside. We'd agreed to take some time off the whole 'running around like chickens with our heads cut off while trying to save the world' deal, just as long as no one tried to enroll us in another school. Besides, I'd wanted some time to think about this whole deal with Mr. Chu, Brigid, and every other piece of insanity that'd been thrown at me lately We had the kids outside, letting them enjoy the fresh air.

"Ok..." Angel said, her mind obviously still on the answer to her question. She started to turn to go, but suddenly stopped, turning back to me. "Max?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"How do they get there?"


"How do the babies get inside their Mommys? I know it has something to do with when a guy and a girl are in love, and that the baby is part of their Mommy and their Daddy, but how do they get the baby in the Mommy?"

I just sat there. Ok, Max, any more genius answers? Angel really was getting too smart for her own good.

That's when I thought of it. The perfect answer.


Fang, who had been watching whatever it was Gazzy and Iggy were making, unfolded himself from where he was sitting on the ground and came over. "Max? You called?"

"Yeah, Angel's got some questions, and I've gotta run, so could you answer them for me? Great." I didn't even wait for an answer before I took a running leap into the sky.

By the time I was above the treetops, I heard Fang's voice. "MAX!!! MAXIMUM RIDE, GET BACK DOWN HERE!!!!!"

I just kicked it into highspeed and sped out of there.

Fang's POV

It didn't matter how much I cared about her. The minute Max got back, I was going to kill her. Or, at least, yell at her a bit.

It had taken me forever to get away from Angel, telling her repeatedly that I had no clue how all that worked. I was not having that conversation. No way, no how.

Now, thanks to my little stressful moment, I had officially developed a headache. I went inside and straight down to the bathroom, passing Dr. Martinez, who was working in the kitchen.

"Hey, I heard you yelling out there, Fang." She said as I passed. "Is anything wrong?"

"Not yet." I answered.

In the bathroom, I went straight for the medicine cabinet, opening it up.

As soon as the stupid thing opened, I had to jump back to prevent being buried in meds, toothbrushes, etc. How much stuff could you shove in one medicine cabinet?

I began trying to put the stuff away, looking for the headache meds in the process. Most of the stuff I recognized, but one medicine box caught my eye. It was called 'Midol'. Now, I've heard of a lot of medications in my lifetime, growing up in a lab, but this one was new. I shrugged, picking it up along with the headache stuff.

I went back out in the kitchen to find Dr. Martinez. "Hey, Dr. M? What's this?"

"What's what?" She asked, turning around.

"This." I said, waving the little box. "Midol."

She suddenly got a very strange look on her face. "Oh, Fang, it's a, uhh....women's medication."

"For what?"

She was beginning to look more uncomfortable. What, was it illegal or something? "Well, for...Fang, I'm sure you can guess..."

"Uhhh...Actually, I can't."

"Well, it's for....you know."

I just raised my eyebrows.

"You don't know, do you?"

"Obviously not."

She sighed, pushing away the food she was working on. "I guess we're going to have a little talk...this should be awkward."

What was so awkward?

Fang: -whimpers- Not the Midol....

Me: Wimp.

Max is so cruel to Fang, is she not?


2. Chapter 2

Don't mind Fang and I. We're having a sick day.

Fang: -cough- Yeah...

Me: Sooo tired.....

Fang: Just write the chapter...Then we can sleep....

Me: Yeah....Zzzzz....

Fang: Not now!! Ow, yelling hurt my throat...

Me: Huh? Cheesy Grits?

Fang: What is with the damn cheesy grits?

Max's POV

"Fang? You in here?"

It was the next day, and I had decided to seek out Fang that morning and apologize for ditching him like that. Plus, we needed to talk.

"Yeah, Max. Where else would I be at 6:30 in the morning?"

I came in and sat on the bed, where Fang was lying, staring up at the ceiling. "Fang, I just wanted to, uhhh, apologize for ditching you yesterday..."

"Heh, whatever..."

I looked at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He looked back up at me. "Max, you ditching me with a curious Angel was nothing compared to what else I learned yesterday."


"I had a talk with your Mom yesterday..."

"About what?"

He closed his eyes, sighing. "Midol..."

My eyebrows went up, confused. "Midol?"

"I found it in the medicine cabinet." Fang said, sitting up. "I didn't know what it was, so I asked your Mom. And she told me. In great detail...."

I laughed. "Fang, how could you not know?"

He just glared back at me, annoyed. "Well, Max, since I'm not a freaking girl the uses of Midol are basically unknown to me."

I put my hand up. "Alright, alright. Actually, that has to do with the other reason I'm here."

I thought I saw Fang's eyes widen slightly. "You want to talk to me about Midol?!"

I rolled my eyes. "No! It's about, well, the facts of life, or the Flock's knowledge of them."

Now he looked confused. "And this is a problem......why?"

"Fang, think about it. I mean, Angel's asking questions neither of us are ready to answer, you don't know what Midol is, eventually we've got to find a way to explain this to them."

Fang still looked confused. "Again, why?"

"Fang, don't you think this stuff's the kind of stuff they need to know?"


I sighed. "Alright, Angel and Gazzy are a bit young, I know, but there are some questions that we're going to have to answer, such as the dreaded 'Where do babies come from?' question. And Nudge is getting to the age where she might start-"

Fang suddenly covered his ears. "Max, please! I heard enough yesterday! Spare me!"

I rolled my eyes. "Alright...What about Iggy?"

"What about Iggy?"

"How much does he know about all this?"

Fang just shrugged. "I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"What I mean is that Iggy and I don't have in-depth conversations about the bird-kids and the bees on a daily basis."

"Alright, well, what do you know about what Iggy knows?"

He closed his eyes, thinking. "Well, there was that thing with the beach bunnies..."

"The what?"

His eyes shot open. "Nevermind. You don't want to know."

I sighed. "You've already said it. You might as well tell me. What's a 'beach bunny'?"

"Well..." He started. "It's a girl at the beach, in a bikini, usually-"

I put up my hands. "You're right. I don't want to know. Hey, why would Iggy care about some girl in a swimsuit?"

"Well, Max, if you really want a peek inside the male mind-"

I shook my head. "No, I mean, Iggy can't see them, so why would he care?"

"He....had me describe them to him."

"That's what you guys talk about all day?"

Fang just shrugged again.

"Alright...." I said, trying to get past the whole 'beach bunny' thing. Sexist pigs. "So, is that all Iggy knows?"

Fang shrugged. Again. How annoying.

"Well, if that's all he knows, we have some explaining to do."

Fang gave me a look. "Oh, come on, Max...."

"Fang, I think he's definetely old enough to know."

"Well, maybe he already knows."

"Fang, how would he know?"

He looked at me. "Well, Max, how do you know?"

"Very simple, Fang." I answered. "After hearing about a couple things on T.V., I looked some of it up on the internet. The rest, well, I had some talks with my Mom."

"Yeah, your Mom's pretty good with those 'talks'." He muttered.

I crossed my arms. "Alright, Fang, then how do you know?"

I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw the slightest tinge of red on his face. "I'd....rather not talk about it."

"Fang, just tell me."


"Fang. Spill. Now."

He took a deep breath and sighed. "Alright, well....I....got this message on my blog. From a girl."

I rolled my eyes. Probably another Red-Haired Wonder. "Continue."

"Well, it was a very.....explicit message. I....got curious. So, I looked some of the stuff up on the internet."

I shrugged. "So? I got some of my info off the internet."

"Yeah, but I doubt you got the same website I got."

"What site did you get?"

Oh, yeah, there were definetely red splotches on his face now. "Well, it was a......uhhhhh.....

Suddenly, a thought crossed my mind, and I took a wild guess. "Fang, was it a porn site?"

He just gave me an uncomfortable look.

"Fang, a porn site?! That's how you learned about this stuff? A porn site??"

He just nodded.

"And it never occured to you to get off the porn site and look somewhere else?"

He threw up his hands. "What?! I didn't know what it was! I was curious!"

I rolled my eyes. "Sure..."

"Max, cut me some slack! I didn't know what it was!"

I put my head in my hands and sighed. Let's just get past this, Max. "Ok, well, I don't think Iggy's had any conversations with my Mom about this stuff, and I doubt he's been looking up sick sites, since he can't see them, so I'm going to guess that Iggy's facts of life knowledge is slim to none. Or, at least, flawed."

"Ok." Fang answered. "I've got a plan. Let's send Iggy to a monestary to become a monk. He'll take a vow of abstinence, and he'll never have to know!"

I put my hands on my hips. "Fang, really."

"Seriously!" Fang said. "And we can send Nudge to become a nun, and she can take a vow of silence! It's a great plan!"

"Fang, you need to have a talk with Iggy."

"What?!" Fang was giving me a 'you're kidding, right?' look. "Why do I have to talk with Iggy?"

"Well, Fang, you're another guy. I'm sure he'd be more comfortable talking about this stuff with you than with me."


"How did you feel when you had to talk with my Mom about Midol?"

He sighed, defeated. "Ok, ok, I'll talk to him. But I expect some kind of payment for this."

"Like what?"

He suddenly grinned mischieviously. "Well, Max, since we're discussing the facts of life..." He took my chin in his hand. "Maybe you could...teach me a bit more?"

I grinned, then swatted his hand away. "Sorry, I don't kiss sickos who look at porn."

"Ha, ha, ha, very funny." He said, dragging himself out of bed.

Later, I was lounging around in my room, reading a book I borrowed from Ella. Suddenly, my door flew open. Fang crossed my room, flopped on my bed, and just stared at me.

"So, Fang, how'd the talk go?"

He got a very sarcastic-looking smile on his face. "Oh, great! Wonderful! I learned so much!"

"You learned a lot?"

He pointed toward the door. "Did you know we are harboring the world's sickest pervert in our Flock?!?!" He nearly yelled.

"Why?" I asked. "What'd he say?!"

Fang just shook his head. "Oh....I'm not telling you! I'm trying to suppress that particular memory myself. Trust me, you do not want to know. If I were you, I'd keep Ella away from him."

I just nodded. "You know what? This time, I'll take your word for it. I don't want to know."


"So, I guess we don't have to worry about Iggy." I said.

Fang just shook his head again.

"So...what about Nudge?"

Fang's eyes widened for a second, but suddenly, he smiled. Actually it was almost a grin/sneer. "Oh, Max, I think Nudge would be much more comfortable talking to you!"

"Yep." I agreed.

"Which leaves Gazzy." Fang said. "I think I'll let Iggy speak to Gazzy. They can be pervs together. Start an educational porn site for idiots like me. Angel, you get to talk to, and Total? He can figure it out for himself. There, done."

"Fine by me." I said, returning to my book.

He rolled over onto his stomach, watching me read. "So, Max, about my payment..."

Without looking up from my book, I grabbed one of Magnolia's dog treats of my bedside table and, before Fang knew what was happening, I shoved it in his mouth. I patted his head. "Good boy."

Fang just spit out the treat and growled.

Fang: Can we go to bed now?

Me: Yep, you perv.

Fang: Iggy's the perv!

Me: You're the one looking at porn!

Fang: I didn't know what it was!

Me: -le gasp- You're really looking at porn?!?!

Fang: -major backpedaling- No! No!

Me: Sure, you sicko.

Fang: Oh, just leave me alone....I'm sick.

Me: Me too.

Fang: What were we doing?

Me: .....I don't know.

Fang: Let's go to bed.

Me: Yeah......sicko.

R&R, you sicko! Just kidding!

3. Chapter 3

So, here I am, sitting in a dialysis unit somewhere in New England, writing about things that most people try to avoid talking about in mixed company.

Fang: Maybe you should explain the whole 'dialysis unit' thing.

Me: My Mom's on dialysis.

Fang: -smacks forehead- Saint, what is dialysis?

Me: I've already told you!

Fang: No! Tell them!

Me: Oh!! Well, if your kidneys, which are organs in your body that filter crap out of you, fail, you go on dialysis!

Fang: Well, that was a nice, short answer.

Me: What? You want me to get technical?

Fang: Saint, please don't go into detail! I-

Me: The kidney's are a bean-shaped organ about the size of a fist, located in the middle of one's back. The kidneys filter out waste products such as phosphorus, protein, sodium-

Fang: I'm going to spare you all a description of kidneys by starting the next chapter.

Fang's POV

Thank God all the 'facts of life' talk was over. After my little 'talk' with Iggy which, I believe, will leave me mentally scarred for many years to come, I was basically off the hook until I had kids of my own, which wasn't going to be for a long time. And when I did, I hoped they'd be all girls. Then, Max would have to talk to them. And I'll just sit there, being blatantly and blissfully oblivious to all the girly drama going on around me. Sounded like a good life to me.

As for today, Max and Iggy were out with Dr. Martinez shopping. Max needed some sort of new clothing, I don't know what, and Iggy was helping to shop for food. Since Ella had some kind of birthday party or something to go to, I was assigned to stay home and watch the kids. Heck, fine by me. After yesterday, I needed a chance to get a jump start on my blissful ignorance of all that is hormonal and sex-related around me.

I took up a spot on the couch and switched on the T.V.

"And here we are back on 'The Price is Right!'"

I switched the channel. That show hadn't been the same since that old guy stopped hosting it.

"Have a Happy Period. Always."

I madly switched the channel. Oh, God, not that stuff again!!!

"Viva! Viagra!"

Madly switching the channel again. I mean, really, people! Why do you think I want to know this stuff?!

Now, I had a soap opera on, which would have been better than the sick commercials, except for the fact that the two people were engaging in acts that left very little to the imagination.

I switched the channel once again. Was the whole world obsessed with this stuff?

I just jumped straight up to the Animal Planet Channel. Now, usually I'm pretty entertained by this channel. If nothing else, you can at least watch some idiot jump in with man-eating sharks, or someone wrestle an alligator. Once in a while, you get to see cobras spit at people. But today, no. Today, we had meerkats, well, making more meerkats.

I switched to the weather channel. Boring, but safe.

Just when I had decided to just shut the T.V. off and curl up with a book, I heard screaming down the hall that nearly sent my flying into the ceiling.

I was off the couch in seconds, racing down the hall. Before I could get to the screaming, though, the screaming came to me. Or, more accurately, it hit me.

I was knocked into the wall by a panic-stricken Nudge. "Oh, my God, oh my God, Fang! You gotta help! I think I'm dying, and I don't want to die! I haven't even learned to drive yet , or run for President, or go to the Grand Canyon, or-"

"Ok, Nudge." I said, putting my hands on her shoulders. "Now, what's wrong? Why do you think you're dying?"

""I was in, I was in the b-bathroom-" She burst into tears, sobbing.

I gave her a small hug. "Nudge, it's ok. Just tell me what's wrong. We'll figure it out."

"Fang!" Angel called from down the hall. "There's blood in the toilet!"

I froze. I'm sure the color drained out of my face, I could feel it. Why me?

"Fang? Does that mean I'm dying?" Nudge said, looking up at me.


"Then why do you looked so freaked out?"

I pulled away from her. Where was the phone? "Me? Freaked out? Nudge, I'm the farthest thing from freaked out! I'm fine! You want to know why? Because everything's fine! I'm fine, you're fine! Nothing's wrong! So, I'm not freaked out! No way am I freaked out! I-"

"Fang, why are you talking like that?"

"What do you mean, why am I talking like that? Talking like what? What's weird about how I'm talking? I'm speaking English, which is normal, so there's nothing wrong with the way I'm talking!"

"Fang, you're talking like me, which means you're freaked out."

"Nudge, I'm not freaked out, I'm-"

"I'm gonna die, aren't I?!" Nudge started sobbing again.

"No, no, Nudge!" I was now trying to hug her and dial Dr. Martinez's cell phone number on the cordless phone.

"Th-then what's wrong with me?" She sobbed into my shoulder.

"Nothing!" I said, trying to listen into the phone. If I got Dr. M's voicemail, I would scream. "Max is going to explain everything as soon as I get her to answer."

"Nudge, there's a stain on your pants." Angel said, walking by. "Fang, is Nudge dying?"

"There's a stain on my pants! But I love these pants!" A whole fresh wave of tears stained my shoulder.

"Nudge, it'll be ok, and Angel, she's not dying!" Still no freaking answer! Dr. M, pick up!!

"Who's dying?" Gazzy asked, coming in.

"Nudge." Angel answered.

"Nudge is dying?!?!"

"Nudge is NOT dying!"

"Well, that's good to know, Fang."

"Dr. Martinez!" I nearly dropped the phone in surprise. "Dr. M, you need to come home. Everything's falling apart here!"

"I'm dying!!!" Nudge wailed. "And my pants are ruined!"

"You're not dying, Nudge! And even if you were, why would you be worrying about your pants?"

"Well, I want to be buried in something n-nice, not stained p-pants!"

"Nudge, if we were going to bury you, we'd find you something nice to wear, ok?"

Nudge gasped. "Nobody is undressing my dead body!!"

"Ok, ok!" I said. "We'll lie you on your back, then, so no one can see it!"

"That's a nice thing to say to me when I'm d-dying!!" I think Nudge had freaking Niagra Falls coming out of her eyes.

"Nudge, you're not dying!!"

Now, she was screaming, crying, and punching. Or, more accurately, punching me.

"Ow, Nudge! Stop it!"

I heard Dr. Martinez sigh on the other line. "You're not handling this well, are you?"


"I'll be home in a few minutes."

It all ended with Dr. Martinez giving Nudge 'the talk' while I sat on the couch, Max holding an ice pack to my bruised shoulder, and Iggy laughing his butt off.

"Oh my God, I wish I was able to see your face right now!"

"Shut up, Ig."

"Seriously, can I touch your face? I want to know what shade of red you are."

I nearly punched him with my good arm, but Max grabbed me, pushing me back down on the couch. "Iggy, leave him alone. I'm sure you wouldn't have done much better in the same situation."

"I sure wouldn't have told Nudge how I'd bury her."

"Hey, Iggy, how about I describe how we'll bury you as soon as I'm done murdering you?"

"Wow, Fang, pissy much?"

"Shut up, Iggy."

"I think it's Fang's time of the month..." Iggy stage-whispered to Max.

I went to punch him again, and again, Max held me back. I was able to kick him, though, but it didn't phase him much.

Iggy just continued laughing. "I'm sorry, Fang? It's menopause, isn't it? You having hot flashes? Mood swings?"

"Iggy, I've only got one mood right now, and it's murderous."

"Yep, it's menopause!"

"Iggy." Dr. Martinez said, coming around the corner. "If you don't make stop bothering Fang, I'll show you the meaning of menopause."

Suddenly, Iggy was silent.

Fang: Saint, what do you have against cutting me a break?

Me: Like I said, it's fun to freak you out!

Fang: -muchos sarcasm- Oh, so much fun...

Me: Face it, if it wasn't for the fact that you're so much fun to freak out, Justin would have never been born!

Fang: -double the sarcasm- What a tragedy....

Me: Deadbeat Dad...


4. Chapter 4

On to Chapter 4!!!! When Charmed is over....

Fang: No, now.

Me: What, Fang, you don't like Charmed?

Fang: Uhhh....no.

Me: Then why do you watch it with me?

Fang: Boredom.

Me: Yeah...

Fang: The witches are kind of cute, too....

Me: -whacks-

Iggy's POV

You know something's wrong when you're sitting in your room and Fang suddenly storms in, slams and locks the door behind him, and flops down on your bed, panting. "That was close."

"What was close?" I asked, continuing to work on the latest bomb projet I had going. This one was going to be better than Big Boy, I could just feel it.

"Max. Something's bugging her or something." Fang said. "She's in a bad mood....And taking it out on me."

I almost laughed. "Fang, don't worry about it. I'm sure it won't last long."

"Of course I'm worried about it!" Fang snapped back. "Something's wrong, and I want to know what's up."

"Alright, Fang, I'll tell you what's up."


I grinned. "It's PMS."

"Oh, and how do you know that?"

"Very simple, Fang." I answered. "She's showing the 10 signs of PMS."

"Sure, Ig..."

I sighed. "Fang, let's do a quick recap of yesterday."

Third Person POV


Sign 1: Everyone Around You Has An Attitude Problem.

Breakfast. One of Fang's three favorite times of the day, besides Lunch and Dinner. But, unfortunately, it was about to be ruined.

"What's for Breakfast?" Max asked, walking into the kitchen.

Not being much for talking during any time of the day, much less the morning, Fang just shrugged.

Max's hands went to her hips. "What, Fang? Can't just tell me you don't know? Oh, nooo you're just too cool for that. You just shrug."

Now Fang was slightly confused. "What? I always just shrug."

"Oh, so you should just always get away with that!" Max snapped back. "Well, excuse me, Mr. Attitude Problem! Don't let me bother you! I'll just go!" She stormed out of the room, leaving Fang to wonder what the hell he did.

Sign 2: You Add Chocolate Chips To Your Cheese Omelet.

Well, finally Max did return for Breakfast, but only when 'That Moody Little Emo Sexist Pig' was gone.

"Hey, Max, guess what's for breakfast?" Iggy asked cheerfully.

"What?" Max spat.

"Omelets! You like omelets, right?" He asked, placing her omelet in front of her.

"I guess..." She said, picking at her breakfast.

As everyone else was eating, Max got up and pulled a bag out of the cupboard. She proceeded to open it and dump the contents onto her plate.

"Max, what are you doing?" Iggy asked.

"I'm adding something..."

Nudge looked over and caught a glimpse of the bag. "Chocolate chips?"

"Yeah, so?" Max snapped. She glared around the room as everyone stared at her. "What?!" she snapped at everyone, then stormed out of the kitchen.

Sign 3: The Dryer Has Shrunk Every Last Pair of Your Jeans.

Fang was just turning the corner in the hallway, heading to his room, when he suddenly found himself spawled out on the floor. He turned around to find that he had tripped over a slowly growing pile of jeans coming out of Max's room.

He got up and poked his head in the door. "Max? Isn't this a weird time to start spring cleaning?"

"I'm not spring cleaning!" She shot back.

"Then....what are you doing?"

"It's my jeans!" She snapped. "The dryer shrunk them!"

Fang stared at the Mount Everest-like pile. "All of them?"

"Oh, shut up and screw off!" Max yelled.

Fang went to say something else, but suddenly found himself with a facefull of jeans.

Sign 4: Your Husband/Boyfriend/Significant Other is Suddenly Agreeing With Everything You Say.

Fang was completely confused and freaked-out by now, and he wasn't doing anything to make it worse.

"Fang?" Max called, walking into the living room.

"Damn, she found me." Fang thought. "Yeah, Max?"

"This top fits me, right?"

"Of course."

She ran a hand through her hair. "I don't need a haircut, do I?"


"Ella said I needed a haircut, but I don't need a haircut."

"No, you don't."

"And she said this top was too tight. It's not too tight!"

"Of course it isn't."

"Well, it could be, but so what?!"


"Though....it might make me look slutty.....But I don't look slutty, right?"

"No way."

"Oh, and then she went on this whole thing about the Jonas Brothers. She thinks they're so wonderful. They suck!"

"Of course they do."

"She just goes on and on about the damn JoBros! I mean, she's obsessed, isn't she?"

"She is."

"Though that song they do, Burnin' Up, that one's good, right?"


"Yeah, I like that song...You know, the Jonas Brothers aren't that bad, are they?"

"No they aren't."

"I kind of like them, don't you?"

"Oh, they're great."

"Yeah..." Max caught her reflection in a mirror on the wall. "Oh, man, I need a haircut, don't you think so?"


"I think I'll get one." She pulled at her shirt. "Gosh, and this shirt's so tight, I can't breathe! Don't you think it's tight?"

"Yep, I do."

"I'm going to go change." She walked out.

Fang collapsed back on the couch. Exhausting....

Sign 5: You're Using Your Cell Phone To Dial Up Every Bumper Sticker That Reads: "How's My Driving? Call 1-800-000-0000."

Dr. Martinez, Max, Iggy, and Nudge were on the road, driving to town. Iggy, because he wanted to buy supplies for dinner, Nudge, because she liked anything to do with shopping, and Max, because she now needed new jeans and a haircut.

"Max, please put my cell phone down." Dr. Martinez said, sighing as, once again, Max grabbed her phone and began dialing another bumper sticker number.

"Oh, come on, Mom!" Max said. "That guy just totally cut us off!"

"He just passed us..." Nudge said.

"I don't care! He's a jerk!"

The guy on the other line picked up. "Hello?"

"Yeah, I'd like to report one of your drivers. License plate, errr....Bubba B. He just cut us off!"

"Ok, thank you, ma'am. We'll-"

"And it looks like he's talking on his cell phone. That doesn't seem very safe to me."


"And don't you think 'Bubba B' is a bit unprofessional for a license plate number?"


"And the guy's hair is all in his face? How can he see where he's going?!"


"And one more thing!"

Everyone in the car sighed. This could go on forever..."

Sign 6: Everyone's Head Looks Like An Invitation to Batting Practice.

"Iggy, why are we having green peppers?" Max asked angrily.

Iggy shrugged. "Because. What's wrong with green peppers?"

"I don't like them."

Iggy just grinned. "Well, sucks to be you, huh?"

Suddenly, Iggy felt something hard whack him in the back of the head and his face ended up in the bowl of salad he'd been working on.

"Jerk!" Max screeched, storming out of the kitchen.

Dr. Martinez came running in seconds later. "Iggy, what happened?"

"I...dunno. But do you see all the pretty stars that just appeared?"


"Oh, then it must be the concussion." He muttered as he slid down to the floor.

Sign 7: You're Convinced There's A God, And He's Male.

Max stormed into Fang's room, causing him to cringe. He thought about turning invisible and pretending not to be there, but Max saw him.

"Fang, Iggy is such a jerk!"

"Uh...really?" Fang asked, unsure of how to get out of the conversation. "What'd he do?"

"He's making green peppers!"

"Oh.....uhhhh....that's.....ummmmm.....terrible." It was kind of hard for him to find a reaction to that.

"Seriously, I hate my life sometimes!" Max said, plopping down on the bed.

"Because of green peppers?" Fang asked, once again, confused.

"No, because of God!"

"God? I thought he was a nice guy?"

Max rolled her eyes. "Oh, sure. Some sexist male pig like you would think that! I bet you eat green peppers, too!" She shoved Fang, almost knocking him off the bed, and stormed out.

Fang just sat and stared. And stared. And stared.

"Ummmm....What?" He thought.

Sign 8: You're Sure That Everyone's Scheming To Drive You Crazy.

Angel was preparing Celeste for an afternoon tea party. She had just gotten her dressed in a brand-new tutu, when Max stormed in, sat down next to her, and said, "Ok, the jig's up."

Angel continued to fix Celestes tutu. "What jig? Isn't that a dance?"

Max shook her head. "No, no, I mean, I know what you're all up to."

Angel looked at her. "What do you mean, Max?"

"Oh, don't play cute with me, Angel. I know. Why don't you just fess up to this little conspiricy and get it over with?"

Angel hugged Celeste, picking up on Max's volatile condition. "I don't know what's going on..."

"Max?" Ella asked, coming in, which gave Angel the chance to make a run for it out the door. "I was just looking for you-"

"To what? Drive me crazy?!" Max spat. "I know what you're up to!"

"Max," Ella said. "Seriously, I'm starting to think you need to take a break or something. You're getting freaky."

"Oh, I wonder why?!" Max said, getting up. She pointed her finger in Ella's face. "Don't worry, I'll get you! I'll get all of you!" She stormed out of the room.

Ella just crossed her arms and shook her head. "Scary..."

Sign 9: The Ibuprofen Bottle is Empty and You Bought It Yesterday.

"Max, hand over the bottle."


Fang heard the fight coming from the bathroom, and would've tried to avoid it, if it wasn't for the fact that poor Gazzy was standing outside the bathroom door, waiting. And from the strained look on his face, he'd been waiting for a while.

Fang tentatively knocked on the door. "Uhh...girls?"

"Max, there's only one damn pill left? Are you trying to become an addict or something?!"

"You don't understand! I. Am. In. Pain!!"

Fang knocked louder. "Girls! Gazzy's gotta go!"

"You are being sooo ridiculous!"

"You're being such a pain in the ass!"

Fang finally just looked down at Gazzy and shrugged. "I'd suggest going out in the woods. It's faster."

Sign 10: Three Little Letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.

After the self-induced, stressful day, Max had finally just collapsed on the couch, tired. Probably from all the yelling.

Fang, hoping to somehow figure out what the problem was and make it all better, came in and sat on the couch next to her. "Hey, Max, you ok?"


He sighed. She was still in a bad mood. "Max, that's it. What's really bugging you today?"

She looked up at him. "You want to know. You really want to know?"

"Yeah, of course, Max." Fang answered. "I want to know if I can help."

"Oh, well you can help! You can help by getting away from me!"

Now Fang was both confused and a little hurt. "W-why?"

"My problem is you!" Max spat.

"Me?" Fang was madly running everything he'd done in the past day or two through his mind, trying to figure out where he'd went wrong.

"Yes, you! All of you!"

Once again, confusion struck. "All of me?"

"All of you men! I swear to God, you all ruin everything! Why can't you guys just all go away?!?!" She shoved Fang again for emphasis, and stomped out of the room.

Fang just rubbed his now-bruised arm and continued to try to figure out what the heck was going on.


Iggy's POV

"See, Fang? All 10 signs." Iggy said, attaching the last wire to his new bomb. "There, done."

"I'm still not sure..." Fang muttered.

Iggy shrugged. "Hey, either that or she's pregnant." He grinned. "Fang...That wouldn't be a possibility, would it?"

Iggy was suddenly hit by something. A pillow. "Shut up, Ig!"

"Just checking." Iggy said, laughing.


"Shit, it's her!" Fang exclaimed.

"You're invisible now, aren't you?" Iggy asked.

"You bet."

"Good plan. What should I tell her?"

"Tell her.......I'm dead."

"She won't believe that."

"Ummm....I'm not here?"

"She has Fang-dar. She'll find you."

"Uhhhh....Tell her I'm gay."

"That she'll believe."

"Very funny..."

I would like to thank GetAmused(dot)com for the list.

And Fang for keeping me awake to write this.

Fang: -bows- Thank you, thank you all. I'd like to thank all the little people out there-

Spiffy: Excuse me! Little people?

Fang: Spif, please. No offense to the Hobbits out there, of course!

Me: Ok, guys, break it up!

Spiffy: Fine! -storms out-

Fang: He's so touchy!

Me; Well, you get touchy when I call you gay!

Fang: That's because I'm not gay.

Me: Denial is the first sign...

Fang: Sign of what?

Me: -sigh-


5. Chapter 5

So, Fang and I are just kind of sitting around, playing with the mini video camera I won at the Post-Grad party, and I decided I might as well start on the next chapter for this story here.

Fang decided to continue to play with my camera.

Fang: Saint...I'm filming you typing!

Me: Exciting....I was actually thinking of filming myself typing this chapter and sticking it on YouTube out of boredom, but you can't read what I'm typing, so I decided not to. It was stupid.

Fang: I'm going to go film your dog again. -walks off-

Me: -sigh- Have fun...

Fang's POV

So, what's a guy to do when his girlfriend's on a PMS induced rampage?

Lock himself in his room and check out his blog.

Comments had been coming in like crazy, as usual. We had the usual supporters, the people who thought this was a joke, the girls who wanted either me or Iggy to consider a long-distance relationship. (I let Iggy handle those. He had fun with them.) But, I also had some with curiosity questions. I tried my best to answer them in my next blog entry.

EponaRider wrote:

Hey, do you guys play video games?


I don't really have the time, personally. I think Gazzy plays some on the computer sometimes. And Nudge raves about some site called 'Game Pony' or something.

monkey-eating-my-pajama-filled-soccer-jockstrap wrote:

Fang!!!! Do you sleep with wings tucked in or out?


Depends. If it's hot, they're out, if it's cold, I can wrap them around and use them as a blanket. Now, question for you. Where did you come up with that username?!

HarryPotterisMyBrother'sLover wrote:

Fang, have you ever considered an 'alternative relationship'?


I'm not sure what an 'alternative relationship' is, and I don't think I want to know...

St. Fang of Boredom wrote:

Fang, I've remodeled the basement. You can come back now, ok?



Dugout Girl wrote:

Fang, do you guys lay eggs? You probably don't know, but maybe you could find out from the internet or something.

Ok, so this question got to me. It wasn't a question we asked often, since it wasn't exactly a huge concern. It's not like we're planning on have little babies/chicks anytime soon. But, we didn't really exactly know. I figured Jeb could probably tell us, but since we don't talk with him that often, I decided to take this commenter's advice and see if I could find something on the web.

I opened up that wonderful wealth of information we call Google and typed in 'egg laying'. I clicked on a page about hens laying eggs and began reading.

Chickens never lay more than one egg per day. As a rule, chickens lay in the morning, but each day a little later. Sometimes the last egg of a series is produced in the early afternoon. When it gets too late, they take the next day off.

Ok, so as far as I knew, Max didn't lay the eggs we ate for breakfast every morning, so I was hoping I could rule out the theory of us being egg-layers. Of course, this was just about chickens. I didn't know if it was the same for all birds. I kept reading anyway, though, curious.

I automatically regretted it.

The page went on to explain, in graphic detail, exactly what it looks like when a hen lays an egg, complete with pictures. After, for the second time this week, being scarred for life, I scrolled down farther, hoping to find something that would eliminate the bad mental images I was being bombarded with.

It went on to explain about when hens start 'brooding' which is basically when they decide there are enough eggs in the nest and sit on them until the hatch. I was suddenly picturing Max sitting on a bunch of eggs in the middle of her bed. It was at that point I decided to find a different website.

I did some more Googling, but didn't find anything interesting for a while. At least I didn't find anything life-scarring.

Than I ran into the peta2 website.

According to the website, the article was going to explain what eggs were. So, I read on.

Hens, female chickens, have a cycle that can be daily during certain times of the year. Like humans, hens have ovaries, though only the left ovary develops fully. This ovary sends a yolk on its path. The yolk forms what we know as an "egg white" as it moves through the reproductive tract into the shell gland. The shell takes about 21 hours to form and "Cluck!"—out pops an egg! Because this egg is unfertilized, it won't grow into a cute baby chick.

And that's how eggs are formed! I wasn't sure I wanted to know, but now I did. I kept reading, stupid me.

So, a human "period" is an unfertilized reproductive cycle and the eggs at the grocery store are unfertilized reproductive cycles. I'll let you decide if eggs are "chicken periods," but don't get grossed out now!

Don't worry, I was already grossed out. Chicken periods? Was I ever going to be able to avoid this stuff?

The article went on to describe the terrible way chickens were treated, how eggs were really bad for you, and basically tried to turn you off to ever eating eggs or chickens again. I left the website with the decision to not eat eggs for breakfast tomorrow.

I closed out of Google and took one last look at the question that had instigated this egg hunt.

Finally, I typed an answer.

Do we lay eggs? God, I hope not.

Yes, I actually did that search. I must give credit to Wiebe H. van der Molen and peta2 for the information.

And since I know someone's probably gonna ask, though I have great respect for vegetarians and vegans everywhere, and my best friend is a vegetarian, PETA annoys me. They are extremists. I'm turned off by their 'in your face, we're going to scream at you 'till you stop eating meat' approach. And sometimes, they're just ridiculous.

Fang: Wasn't there something about them getting mad at the President for swatting a fly?

Me: I heard about that...

Fang: That fly could've been someone's mother...

Me: Whose? Yours?

Fang: Very funny...Look, I made a video of your dog!

Me: -sighs-


6. Chapter 6

Me: I've decided to take this moment to explain what cheesy grits are!

Fang: Finally! You keep saying that and I've been wondering what they are.

Me: I know. I'm confusing.

Fang: So....What are they?

Me: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!


Fang's POV

Leave it to Iggy to suddenly have this strong, uncontrollable need to go grocery shopping in the middle of the week. You know, when Dr. Martinez is working. Of course, for Iggy to go anywhere in town, he needs someone to come along. Normally, that would be Dr. M, but, as I mentioned before, she's working. So, she offered to drop Iggy and 'a friend' off downtown. And, since Max is in a perpetual pissy mood lately and Ella had to go babysit for a while, guess who Iggy picked for a shopping buddy...

"Do you know if we need eggs, Fang?"

"I don't really care."

"Fang, what do you have against eggs lately?"

"If you'd learned what I'd learned about them, you wouldn't eat them either."

Iggy crossed his arms, leaning on the shopping cart. "Well, the rest of us haven't been enlightened on the secrets of eggs, so get some."

"Alright." I picked up a carton of eggs and handed them to him.

He opened the carton up and touched one of the eggs. "No, Fang, get brown ones, not white ones! They're local."

I rolled my eyes, grabbing the carton of white eggs from him and putting them back. "And where did you learn of all your egg information?"

Iggy shrugged. "T.V."

After putting the right colored eggs in the cart, we went through the rest of Iggy's shopping list, which seemed to include something on every single freaking aisle.

"Iggy, what are we going to do with all this stuff?"

He rolled his eyes. "Cook with it."

I just rolled my eyes back. "Yeah, I know that. I mean, what are we going to do with it until Dr. Martinez gets here with the car? We can't carry this stuff around!"

"We can't just take it next door." Iggy said. "They have a cafe there that's kind of a teen hangout. I told Dr. M she could meet us there after she picked up Ella."

"And how do you know about this place being a 'teen hangout'?"

"Because, Fang, I actually get out of the house once in a while."

I glared at him. Not that that did anything.

So it ended up that we had to 'borrow' a shopping cart to get all the damn groceries over to the cafe place. We sat outside, the cart next to our table. The three tables next to us seemed to be having some kind of girl's party or something. They all just seemed to be giggling and talking about nothing. Once in a while, a girl would pull out her cell phone and insist upon a group photo with whoever was closest to her. And all Iggy seemed to be interested in doing was just sitting there and listening to them.

I was beginning to realize why he chose to sit here.

"Hey, Fang-"

"I am not describing them to you, so don't ask."

He rolled his eye. "Fine. You know, there are days I seriously think you're in the closet."

I just ignored him, going back to reading a book I had brought along. It was one of those 'Lord of the Rings' books. I decided to find out what all the fuss was about.

"Hey! Hey, girls!"

I looked up from my books. "Iggy, what?"

"Fang, unless you want to finally admit to being a girl, I'm not talking to you."

"Iggy, why are you talking to them?"

"Well, you're not much for conversation. Besides, they sound like fun people to talk to..."

I just shook my head and went back to my book. I didn't want to get into whatever he was getting into...

Finally, a girl came over. "Yeah?"

"Congratulations! You've just been voted most wonderful girl here! And the grand prize is..." He pulled out a chair. "A seat right next to me!"

I nearly buried my face in my book. I don't know him, I'm just sitting here...

Luckily, either the girl had a sense of humor, or was stupid. She laughed. "Sure!" She sat down next to him.

Of course, then her other little girl buddies had to come see what was going on. "Aimee, who's this guy?" One girl asked. "You know him?"

"No, but he voted me most wonderful girl here!"

The other girl pulled up a chair. "But didn't you see me?"

Iggy shook his head, sighing dramatically. Oh, this was going to be good."No...I'm blind!"

"Oh, you poor thing!" Another girl said, pulling over her chair. "How did that happen?" Now, two more girls had turned around to listen. Great, now he had a captive audience.

"Well, there was this little boy who got caught on a railroad track..."

I buried myself back in my book. I did not want to hear this line of bull.

Unfortunately, I was dragged back out of my book by the sound of a group of girls going 'awwww....'

"Well, it's ok. You can hang out with us today!" that Aimee girl said. "Do you want something to eat?"

"That'd be really nice of you..." Iggy said, sounding oh so pathetic.

"I'll get you a donut." Aimee said, getting up.

"Thanks!" Iggy said as she walked off. "Oh! I have an empty chair next to me now. I'm kinda lonely over here..."

The second girl wasted no time in taking up that empty seat.

Iggy grinned at her. "Do you like short love affairs?"

"Not really..."

"Well, good. I've got all weekend."

The girls seemed to find that hysterically funny. I just tried not to gag.

"Hey, what about your friend over here?" One of the girls near me said.

"Oh, don't mind him. He's either gay or taken, I'm still trying to find out which."

I was going to hurt him later...

"But you're single, right?" asked the girl near me.

"Oh, yeah." Iggy answered. "Hey, do you date strangers?"

"Not usually."

"Oh, then allow me to introduce myself."

I shook my head while the girls laughed again. The original girl came back with his donut, taking a seat on the arm of his chair.

"So, do you have any special talents?" One girl asked.

"Yeah, I'm a good cook."

"Wow, I wish you could cook something for us!"

His grin widened. "I'll make you a deal. I'll cook you dinner if you'll cook me breakfast."

The girls burst into laughter again. Now what was so funny?"

"Do you have a job?" Another girl asked.

"Yeah, I'm a freelance gynecologist. By the way, how long has it been since your last check-up?"

The girls began roaring with laughter. I began wishing I had something hard to hit him with. Since I didn't, I just buried myself further into my book. If I couldn't concentrate on reading it, I at least didn't have to watch the scene in front of me.

I heard someone, probably another girl, walk up behind Iggy. Iggy was obviously too busy entertaining his 'new friends' to notice.

"Have you been to, like, college or anything?" Another girl asked.

"Oh, yeah, I majored in English." Iggy said. Oh, God, his pile of bullshit was getting deep. "You know, we talked about the arrangement of the alphabet in my English class."

"Yeah?!" the girl said excitedly. Did these girls have lives?

"Yeah. If I rearraged the alphabet, I'd put 'u' and 'i' together."

"Funny, I'd put 'f' and 'u' together."


"El-Ella?" Iggy stammered out.

I looked up from my book. Yep, a girl had gone to stand behind Iggy, but it wasn't who I was expecting.

Ella grabbed Iggy by the arm and hauled him out of that chair. "Let's go!" She dragged him toward Dr. Martinez's waiting car.

I calmly stood up, closing my book and grabbing the cart. I didn't have to even look up to see where Ella and Iggy were going. I just had to listen to Ella saying things like, "Now I know what Max means by 'sexist pig'." and "Don't you have any dignity?!"

I shook my head. Iggy could say that he thought I was gay all he wanted. At least I wasn't being dragged across a parking lot by my arm.

He was never going to live this down. I'd make sure of that...

Me: And that's what happens when I search 'bad pick up lines' on Google...

Fang: Google is dangerous in your hands.

Me: Cheesy grits!

Fang: What the- Hey, why don't you Google cheesy grits?

Me: Ok! Hold on.




It's a corn porridge with cheese!

Fang: So, now we know what it is...

Me: Cheesy grits!

Fang: We just don't know why you keep saying it...

R&R&Cheesy Grits!


1. If you haven't heard about my petition to save the Maximum Ride movie from Catherine Hardwicke's insanity, now would be a good time to go to my profile and sign it! There's a link there!

2. Not that I'd ever beg for reviews, but, anyone want to read my story Double Date and review it? Please? Not that I'm begging...

3. Ok, there's another link on my profile to a game I'm calling Pac-Fang for reasons you will see if you try to play it. And if you do try to play it, and get past the 3rd level thingy, please tell me how. I can't do it...

4. Cheesy Grits!

7. Chapter 7

Ok, it took me forever to come up with an idea for this chapter. Basically, I'm warning you now, I don't know how much longer I'll continue this story, since I'm running out of ideas. Heck, I don't even know how to end it!

Fang: If anyone has any ideas, it'd be helpful. At least, she'd stop banging her head against the keyboard.

Me: I've got writer's block here and on Double Date! It's crazy!!

Fang: You're crazy...

Me: Shut it.

Angel's POV

Bedtimes were stupid. They were for normal kids. For six year olds. I was seven, and I wasn't normal.

I sat up in bed. I didn't want to try to go to sleep anymore. I wasn't tired. Every time I tried to explain to Max and Fang how I didn't need an early bedtime, they'd just smile and ignore me. Didn't they understand I was smarter than the average seven year old? That I was different? Oh, well...

I needed something to keep me entertained until I finally got tired. I closed my eyes, listening to the different little buzzings in my head that were the thoughts of the Flock and everyone else in the house. I focused in on Max, wondering what she was up to.

"Ugh, I hate cramps. I swear to God, if Fang comes in here one more time to ask how I am, I'm going to rip his wings off, use them to stab out his spine, and beat him with it."

That was a lot of anger, even for Max on a bad day. Cramps? What was causing those? I figured I'd focus in on Fang and see if he knew anything.

"I can't believe she threw her freaking alarm clock at me! I was just seeing if she was ok. If she turns into this witch every month, I might run away from home! Crap, I think my face is gonna bruise."

What could be happening to Max once a month that would cause Fang to want to run away from home? I remembered when I'd seen in her mind about that time when she looked in the mirror and saw herself as an Eraser? Could Max be turning into an Eraser once a month? Maybe it was like being a werewolf or something. I was really worried. I tried to think of somewhere else I might be able to get information. Maybe Iggy would know something? I focused in on Iggy next.

"God, between Ella and Max, I feel like I'm in some kind of PMS-ruled Hell for Sexist Pigs. This is unfair! Heck, I can't think without being hit and called a sexist pig! Hello, I'm a guy. Can't help it sometimes. And poor Fang! Max treats him like crap. Jeez, no matter what the guy does-"

I pulled myself out of Iggy's mind. I didn't really understand what he was thinking about, but I had a feeling it wasn't helpful. I stretched, yawning, and curled up in my blankets. I'd just get some answers in the morning...

"Morning Angel." Iggy said as I walked into the kitchen.

"Morning Iggy." I answered, putting Celeste in a chair and pulling the one next to it out to sit in. "Iggy, what's a sexist pig?"

Iggy jumped slightly, almost flipping his eggs out of the pan. "Angel, where'd you hear that?"

"Max says it sometimes." I said, truthfully.

"Well....Go ask Max." he said, going back to his eggs.

I crossed my arms. "You were thinking about it."

Iggy rolled his eyes, placing the spatula back down. "Angel, haven't we been over the whole 'intruding in on people's minds' thing?"

"You were still thinking it." I said. I was sick of people telling me not to read minds. It was my power. I should use it. And they should be less secretive.

Max walked in at that point, yawning. I turned to her. "Max? Why do you have cramps?"

Max nearly jumped. That woke her up. "Angel? What?"

"You had cramps. Why?"

I noticed Iggy turn back around and mutter, "Don't wanna hear this. Don't wanna hear this..."

Max gave me one of her no nonsense looks. "Angel..."

Fang stumbled into the room at that point. "Morning, guys..."

"Hi, Fang! Your bruise looks better!" I said.

Fang's eyes widened. "Angel? My bruise?"

Max crossed her arms, glaring. It didn't bother me that much. I'd been there before. "Angel? What did you read in our minds?"

I took a deep breath. "Well, I saw about your cramps and how you were gonna beat Fang with his own spine."

Fang's eyes widened again, and he looked at Max. Max just rolled her eyes at him.

"And I saw how Fang said he'd run away from home if you turned into a witch once a month."

Now, Max was glaring at Fang. Fang, on the other hand was staring anywhere but at Max.

"And then, I saw how Iggy thought that, between you and Ella, he was in a 'PMS-ruled Hell for Sexist Pigs'."

Now, Iggy was backing away from a very angry Max.

"Angel..." Max said angrily. "I think you should go to your room. I'll talk to you about this when I'm done talking to Iggy and Fang..."

I just shrugged, grabbing Celeste and piece of toast and skipped back to my room. No sooner was I down the hall, when I heard yelling start. I just sighed.

See? If they were less secretive, these fights wouldn't happen.

Yep. Short chapter. But don't worry, I'm putting up another one, too. Later...

Fang: It's, like, 1:32 a.m. Bedtime...

Me: Yeah...Zzzz...

Fang: Saint! You have to finish the A/N!

Me: Mmmhmmmm.....


8. Chapter 8

So, I said I'd do another chapter, so here's another!

Fang: And it's also 11:28 in the morning here and Saint's still in her pajamas.

Me: Hey! It's a Saturday! Who cares? And you are, too!

Fang: Grr...

Me: Oh, 'grr' all you want. Seriously, do your pajamas have to be black, too? Is your underwear black?

Fang: -jumps- That's none of your business.

Me: -evil grin- Boxers or briefs, Fangy?

Fang: Once again, not your business.

Me: Ooo...A new goal for the day. Find out what Fang wears...

Gazzy's POV

Lately, Fang and Iggy had been making a point of getting out of the house. I'd heard it had something to do with Max. I'd asked Angel if she knew anything, being a mind reader and all, but all she knew was that it had something to do with PMS, and when I asked her what that was, she just shrugged. I finally decided to stop trying to figure it out and just go with it. At least I got out of the house more often.

We were at the park near the playground, watching some skaters from a park bench. Iggy had wanted to go to the cafe next to the supermarket, but Fang glared at him and told him to pick something else. He said something about 'not repeating mistakes'.

The skaters were pretty fun to watch, for a while. Most of them were really good and could do jumps and all kinds of moves, but once in a while, on of them would trip up and cause a pile-up. But, after a while, even the huge crashes were getting old and I was getting bored.

"Hey, guys?" I asked. "Can I....Go over to the playground?"

Fang shrugged. "Sure, Gaz. Just don't go to far, ok?"

I nodded and ran off. Normally, when I was hanging out with Iggy and Fang, I wouldn't want to go play on a stupid playground. Playgrounds were for little kids, I wasn't a little kid and I didn't want Fang or Iggy to think I was. Max thought I was, and that made me pretty angry sometimes. I was just as grown up as Iggy or Fang. The only thing was, sometimes Iggy and Fang were really boring. They'd just sit there and watch people. (Or, in Iggy's case, listen to people and bug Fang to describe them.) Especially girls. What was so special about girls, anyway?

When I made it to the playground, though, I suddenly didn't know what to do. The playground looked pretty boring, too. The slide and swings weren't that exciting, especially compared to flying. And the sandbox was full of little kids throwing sand at each other. Wasn't there anything interesting around here?

I was just thinking about walking back over to Iggy and Fang when I something bumped into me. Actually, something slammed into me and knocked me to the ground.

"Ow! Oh, I'm sorry!" I heard the something say above me. Whoever it was got up and held out its hand. "Let me help you up."

I took the hand and pulled myself up, coming face-to-face with a girl my age holding a football. Great. Not another girl.

"Are you ok?" She asked, smiling. She was really bouncy. She didn't seem able to sit still, bouncing up and down on her feet and making her red curls bounce with her. Max always complained that Fang liked girls with red hair too much. Maybe he liked red hair because it was so bright.

Or because it was the exact same color as an explosion.

"Yeah, I'm ok. I've been hit by worst." I told her, brushing dirt off my pants.

"Really? Like what?" She asked, sounding interested.

"Well, I've gotten hit a lot with explosions." I said. "You probably don't-"

"Really?! Wow! What kind of explosions?" Now she was bouncing even more. I'd never seen a girl get so worked up over explosions.

"Well, my friend Iggy and I have made a lot of explosions..." I began.

About an hour later, I'd told my new friend, who's name was Gina, by the way, all about my explosions, and she invited me to play football with her. I'd never known that girls could like any sports or cool stuff like that, especially not football. She could throw really well, too. Unfortunately, just as we were going to start another football game, Fang came over with Iggy and told me it was time to leave.

"But, guys!" I said, trying not to whine. "We were just going to start another game!"

Iggy laughed. "Maybe next time, ok?"

"Yeah, it's ok!" Gina said. "Here, hold on!" She pulled a little notebook and a pen out of her pocket. "I always carry these around in case I need to write something down. I want to be a reporter someday!" She wrote something down on a piece of paper, ripped the paper out, and handed it to me. "That's my phone number. Maybe your parents can call mine sometime and we can meet again. Or, I come here every Thursday with my dad, so you can meet me here. I'll see you later!" Then, she did the only girly thing she'd done all day. She hugged me! I guess it wasn't a bad hug, at least. She didn't crush me or anything. Then, she ran off towards where her dad was.

As I turned around towards Fang and Iggy, I heard Iggy whistle. "Woah. Eight years old, and he'a already got a girl's number! Gazzy, man, you're going to have to teach me some moves!"

"Moves?" I asked, confused.

Fang punched Iggy in the shoulder. "Shut up. Gazzy, don't listen to him, he's being a pain."

"What'd she look like, Gaz?" Iggy asked, grinning and rubbing his shoulder.

I shrugged. "She had red hair."

Iggy burst out laughing. "Red hair, huh? Be careful, red heads will burn ya, right, Fang?"

Fang rolled his eyes. "Iggy, what part of 'shut up' are you having trouble understanding?"

I just shrugged again and kept walking. Those two were weird sometimes. I pulled out Gina's number again and looked at it. Maybe I could get Dr. Martinez to call p her parents for me sometime.

I really hoped she would.

Aww...That was cute!

Fang: Yeah, and it didn't involve embarrassing me, so it was great.

Me: Just as cute as your smiley face boxers! -holds up boxers-

Fang: -grabs- Where'd you get those?!?!

Me: -evil grin- Out of your underwear drawer. Now, maybe you could explain this pair... -holds up boxers with blue flames-

Fang: -grabs- -stalks off-

Me: -shrugs- Heck, I've still got this pair. -holds up boxers with rubber duckies on them- I'm willing to auction these off to pay Justin's Child Support. (If you don't understand, read my Another Form of the Avian Bird Flu story.) I'll start the bidding at 5 dollars.


9. Chapter 9

And the winner of the Rubber Ducky Boxer Auction is...hawk without wings! With a bid of.....10 Bajillion dollars!

My only question...How much is a 'bajillion'?

Fang: Is that even a number?

Me: -shrugs- Is now...

Fang: I can't believe you auctioned off my freaking boxers.

Me: Well, Justin needs the money!

Fang: Justin doesn't exist!

Me: -facepalm- You're so cruel, Fang...

Fang: -rolls eyes- Right, I'm cruel to the nonexistent child...

Me: I hope you're not this cruel to our children.

Fang: -jumps- What children?!

Me: Kara has a point. We fight and act like a married couple. So, maybe we should!

Fang: Maybe we should gouge our eyes out with sporks, too, but you don't see us doing it.

Me: But Kara had a point!

Fang: Yeah, well, Dt2009 with Dark Blue Wings had a point, too, that it's rude to steal a guy's underwear, but it didn't stop you, did it?

Me: Nope!

Fang: -sigh-

Me: So, I was thinking a Summer wedding would be nice...

Fang: -headdesk-

Dedication: A dedication to Kara a.k.a Karecitay. You may know her from FlockUpdates. Why does she get a dedication? Let's just say, t has something to do with her tweeting 'sexily'.....

Fang's POV

You know, you'd think when Iggy drags me out of bed a five in the morning and starts begging me to go somewhere with him, I should be smart enough to just grumble 'No' and go back to sleep.

But, unfortunately, my intelligence quotient obviously isn't that high.

Iggy practically dragged me out of bed, begging me to fly somewhere with him and rushing me to get dressed. When I asked him where we were going, he just said, "I'll tell you on the way. Come on, hurry up!"

I should've just said no. Should've just went back to bed. But, by pulling myself up and grabbing a pair of jeans, I sealed both our fates for the day.

We snuck out of the house before the others woke up. I knew Ella was taking Max, Nudge, and Angel with her shopping today, so they'd probably leave early without even checking to see if we were there. They were also leaving Gazzy off at his new 'girl' friend's house on the way. Dr. Martinez would be home, but she had the day off, so she'd probably sleep in, just like Iggy and I should be doing.

So, basically, no one was going to now where we were, or that we were even gone.


As we flew, Iggy filled me in on what his plans were. "So, I spent all of last night working on my latest 'explosive masterpiece'..."

"So, shouldn't you be tired?" I asked, yawning.

Iggy shook his head. "Nah, I had coffee this morning. Anyway, I wanted to test it out, but I couldn't bring Gazzy because of his play 'date'." He said, grinning. "Besides, for some reason, he hates it when I wake him up this early."

"I wonder why..." I grumbled. "Why do you have to blow things up this early, anyway?"

"Because, if I waited 'till later, either Dr. Martinez or one of the girls would tell me it's 'too dangerous' or something like that."

"Don't know why they'd think that!" I said sarcastically.

Iggy rolled his eyes, but mostly ignored my comment, just as he usually does when someone dares to spew common sense at him. Instead, he asked me to describe the scenery below.

"Mostly empty space." I answered. "Some plants, no houses."

"Perfect." Iggy said. "Let's land."

As soon as we landed on a small, clear patch of land, Iggy got to work setting up his newest 'masterpiece', while I took the free time to take in our surroundings from a new angle. It was typical Arizona desert area. Hot, dry, and littered with cacti. That's right, cacti. As in, the multiple form of cactus. In my opinion, Arizona had to many of the prickly plants. Heck, one of these plants was too many for me. I guess, after growing up in a lab, anything with needles set me on edge.

"Ok, ready!" Iggy said, kneeling next to his creation.

I took one look at it and grimaced. This thing made Big Boy look like a sparkler. "Are you sure that thing's safe?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's fine." Iggy said, pressing some buttons on a makeshift timer he'd made. That timer looked strangely like Nudge's missing clock radio.... "It's set not to pack as big of a punch, because it's just a test run. When I work on the next one, it'll be full of fire power." Iggy stood up and started backing away. I heard the timer start to beep and followed his move. When we were back about fifteen paces, Iggy stopped. "Ok, we should be far enough. Now, just to wait for it..." Iggy looked way to excited about this. I just wanted to be back in bed.

I watched the counter on the former clock radio count back.




Iggy was practically bouncing with excitement...



We really needed to put Iggy in therapy...



And then, all Hell broke loose.

I guess Iggy gave that bomb of his a little more 'fire power' than he thought he had. That thing had exploded so loudly, I was sure people in Russia were ducking for cover, convinced of a terrorist attack or something. The explosion sent us both flying backward. I landed in the dirt with enough force to knock the wind out of me. I lay there, trying to catch my breath and watching the dust settle. When I finally was able to breathe, I spent another minute coughing up the dirt I'd just inhaled. I swear, I had half of Arizona in my lungs for a minute.

As soon as the dust was settled enough that I could see, I began madly looking around for Iggy. It took me a little while to find the guy. I was beginning to become convinced that I'd somehow have to explain to the Flock that Iggy had was lying in pieces, scattered across that Arizona landscape, when I heard a noise to my left.

I turned around, hoping Iggy wasn't too badly hurt. Maybe some scrapes, some burns, but please no missing limbs! What I saw definetely was bad, but not exactly what I expected...

No missing limbs, thank God, maybe some scrapes and burns, but, as if to add insult to injury, Iggy's bomb had thrown him straight into...

A cactus.

No, scratch that. Cacti.

A whole bunch of little cacti, clustered together, as if they'd just been waiting for some poor sucker to be blown straight into them. And today, Iggy was that poor sucker.

For a minute, I just stood there, staring, not knowing exactly what to say or do. Iggy had the most pained look on his face I'd ever seen. I could tell he was on the verge of either screaming or crying, not quite sure which one to do. Finally, he just let out a small whimper.

I snapped out of my shocked trance. "Come on, Ig. Let's get you home.

I won't go through all the literally painful details of trying to get Iggy home. I mean, I tried to get some of the needles out, but he was covered in them! It hurt him to move, but I couldn't carry him, either. Not also did me touching him hurt as well, but I, personally, didn't want to get stuck with those things myself. So, we flew slow home, Iggy whimpering the whole way.

And I couldn't blame him.

Obviously, we still had a bit of luck left. Dr. Martinez was up when we got home. When we walked in the door, she took one look at Iggy from where she was sitting at the kitchen table, then demanded we go get in her car while she got changed out of her pajamas. She rushed us down to her workplace, which was closed today, and got us in with her key. She brought Iggy into one of the larger offices and got him up on a table.

On the way over, I'd told her the story of what happened, and she was already lecturing Iggy as she examined him.

"Well, I guess this shall be a not-so-friendly reminder for you about what happens when you play with explosives, huh?"

Iggy just whimpered again in response. He was trying so hard not to move.

Dr. Martinez sighed. "We're just going to have to pull all these out. I think I can get some of the little ones with duct tape, but the bigger ones I'm going to need tweezers for."

Iggy's face looked absolutely horrified at the idea of sitting there while Dr. M yanked little needles out of his skin. Once again, I couldn't blame him. Ouch.

Dr. Martinez walked over to one of the cabinets and started getting things out of it. I walked over to see what she was grabbing and noticed a very different kind of needle than the ones we'd been dealing with sitting there.

"Does Iggy need a shot or something?" I asked. Like the guy didn't have enough needle problems...

"Besides the fact that he probably needs a tetanus shot?" She asked. "Anyway, this is for a little dose of yours and Max's favorite drug, Valium."

"Valium?" The horror...The horror... "Why?"

"It should help ease the pain. Trust me, he's going to need it."

So that's how I found myself, once again, in a vet's office sitting next to one of my fellow Flock members while they were on a Valium high. After I swore I never wanted to be in that position again. I mean, talk about awkward...

And if I thought Max on Valium was awkward, Iggy was a whole new adventure...

"Why is it so dark?"

I rolled my eyes. "You're blind, Iggy, remember?"

"Oh...yeah!" He twitched as Dr. Martinez pulled out another couple needles. "What's poking me?"

"Dr. M. She's taking needles out of you."


"Well, do you want needles in you?"

"If they don't have anywhere else to live! Can you imagine being a homeless needle?"

The only thing I could imagine right now was duct taping Iggy's mouth shut, so I decided to just stay silent.

Wish Iggy had made that same decision...

"You know what the funniest word is?" Iggy asked after a couple minutes.


"Sexily." Iggy said. "It's so weird to say, but so fun to use..."

"Ehh...huh..." I didn't have much of a response for that. Sexily?

"I should use that word more often. Sexily." Iggy mused. "It's a cool word..."

"Yeah..." Maybe he'd eventually shut up if I didn't show much interest.

"The girl sexily walked down the hall." Iggy said, using his new favorite word in a sentence.

"I'll be right back." Dr. Martinez said. "Need some better tweezers. Watch him, ok?"

"Sure." Like I had a choice. When did my morning come to this?

"The girl walked sexily down the hall." Iggy continued when Dr. Martinez left. "Ella walked sexily down the hall!"

Oh, crap. "Iggy, shush. Dr. M doesn't need to hear that."

"Ella walked sexily down the hall." Iggy said, laughing. "I'd say I'd sexily watch her walk sexily down the hall, but I sexily can't because I'm sexily blind! Sexily!" Iggy was laughing almost hysterically at that point.

"Iggy, chill..." I told him, trying to steady him on the table without pushing any needles farther into him.

He just kept laughing. "Fang, you should chill! Why don't you go, like, sexily make out with Max or something?"

Ok, that was uncalled for. "Iggy, come on! Since when do I 'make out' with Max?"

"In your dreams!" Iggy almost yelled, laughing harder.


"You talk about her when you sleep." Iggy stated. "Max! Max!" He said, making a poor attempt at mocking my voice. He wrapped his arms around like he was giving someone a hug. "I heard you bite your pillow once. What were you doing to poor Maxy?!" He burst into laughter again.

God, I hoped that was the Valium talking...

"Iggy, don't make stuff up."

"I don't lie! Ever!" He yelled into my face. "Hey, I can see! Sexily!! Sike!!!" He started laughing again.


Luckily, Dr. Martinez came back in and finished pulling the needles out before I snapped. We drove him home and practically had to drag him to bed. Fortunately, he didn't say anything else embarrassing. He just went through the two hundred ways Taco Bell was sexily better than KFC. Though not embarrassing, still irritating.

We didn't say too much to the others about exactly what happened to Iggy, except that he got in a fight with some cacti and lost, and was now recovering from the experience. Dr. Martinez and I had decided Iggy'd been through enough torture without Max yelling at him for setting off a near-lethal bomb.

As we were going to bed that night, I decided to get a certain nagging suspicion off my chest. "Hey, Gazzy?"


"Do I ever, uhh...Talk in my sleep?"

Gazzy shrugged. "Not too much..."

I decided that answer was good enough. "Ok, just wondering."

As I started to walk off, I heard Gazzy say behind me, "Well, there was that one time where you mumbled something about Max and bit your pillow. That was weird."

I went to bed that night after tossing my pillow on the floor.

Between Iggy and I, the Flock was harboring some pretty sick guys.

Or, as Iggy would say, sexily sick guys.

Oh, forget it...

Me: Well, that chapter's finally done.

Fang: Good. Can I go on Twitter now?

Me: No, you tweet whore! Gosh, Fang, you went over my tweeting limit last time!

Fang: But...

Me: So, Fang's addicted to Twitter...

Fang: Am not.

Me: Are too. Shut up. I have a new poll up asking if I should let Fang get his own Twitter. Please say no.

Fang: Please say yes.

Me: -headdesk-

Sexily R&R?

10. Chapter 10

Me: This chapter randomly came to me in the kitchen while making salad.

Fang: Why, we'll never know...

Me: I can have a random thought anywhere!

Fang: I noticed...

Me: This chapter has been inspired slightly both by an episode of Roseanne and by Fang's not-so-secret crush on Shakira.

Fang: Saint! Could you stop telling people that?!

Me: Uhhh...No.

Fang: -sigh-

Fang's POV

"Is there a reason you wanted to see me, Max? And Ella. And...Iggy...."

Max had sent Angel to tell me to meet her in her room. I had no clue why. I had no clue we'd have other guests, either. I was kind of expecting some alone time....Guess this wasn't what I was thinking it would be....

Max had a mischievious grin on her face. This couldn't be good. "Fang, we've been worried about these dreams Iggy says you've been having..."

"Dreams? What..." Oh, crap. "Iggy! For the love of God, can you not keep your mouth shut?!"

Iggy just grinned at me. "Fang, I was concerned..."

I rolled my eyes. "About what? My safety?"

"No, Max's."

It was a good thing Max and Ella grabbed me. I don't care if the guy was recovering from severe cactus and expolsion wounds, I was going to punch his lights out.

Max dragged me over and sat me on the bed. "Alright, Fang, let's talk."

I was trying to look anywhere but at Max. "What's there to talk about?"

Max was trying to hold back laughter at this point. "Well, I want to make sure you won't get any sudden urges to bite me..."

I rolled my eyes. "It's a dream, Max. It's no big deal. I'm not going to bite you."

Max gave me a weirded-out look. "By the way, Fang, what exactly happens in these dreams of yours?"

I froze. Why did she have to ask that? "Max...I-it doesn't matter..."

"I know!" Ella jumped in. "Fang has some kind of vampire fantasy fetish. Probably because of all the Twilight commercials on TV."

I rolled my eyes. "Ella, that's not it."

"Come on!" She replied. "Don't tell me you don't have even the tiniest man crush on Edward Cullen."

"Ok. I don't even have the tiniest man crush on Edward Cullen. I think he's creepy, actually."

"Denial..." She muttered.

"Personally, I think Fang's just an animal." Iggy said. "I mean, he's all quiet and reserved while he's awake, so maybe he gets all his pent-up energy out while he's sleeping...I know I do."

Max twitched. "Iggy...Too much info."

Iggy just grinned and flopped back on the other bed in the room.

"Who do you dream about, anyway, Iggy?" Ella asked, sounding honestly curious.

Iggy just shrugged, staring sightlessly up at the ceiling. Like he could stare at the ceiling any other way. "Girls."

"What girls?" Max asked.

"The kind any guy dreams about."

"And what does any guy dream about?" Ella asked. "Don't they dream about their girlfriends?"

Iggy shrugged again. "Their girlfriends. Their girlfriend's friends. Their girlfriend's mothers. The girls down the road. The girls at school. The girls at the grocery store. Pretty much all of them."

"How do you dream about them?" Max asked. "You don't know what they look like..."

Iggy's grin widened. "I have a good imagination..."

Max twitched again. "I shouldn't have asked..."

"Told you he was a sick kid..." I muttered.

Ella rolled her eyes. "Men are pigs."

Iggy was starting to crack up on the bed. Obviously, he found grossing out the female population fun.

"Who else do you dream about, Fang?" Max suddenly asked me.

Oh crap. Oh crap. I'm sure this was a trick question of some sort. Now...What was the right answer? Honesty or what I think she wants to hear? What does she want to hear? I think I know what she wants to hear. But she might catch on....Maybe she's just honestly curious...But I can't tell Max about that kind of stuff! Talk about awkward! Oh crap, I've taken too long to answer. Gotta say something, gotta say something before...

"Well, Fang?" Max asked, sounding a bit annoyed this time.

"Max...Come on! I don't ask you about your dreams!"

"But I'm asking you about your dreams." Max said, poking me in the chest on the 'you' and 'your'. "So, I expect an answer."

"I know who he dreams about..." Iggy said.

"Iggy! Don't you dare!" I yelled at him. Max was holding me by the arm so I wouldn't try to hit him again.

"Who, Ig?" Max asked.

"Don't tell her!" I yelled at him.

"Shakira!" Iggy exclaimed, ignoring me. "You know, the She-Wolf herself. Rawr!" He tried to growl, but ended up laughing instead. "No wonder he's biting people in his sleep!"

Please say my face wasn't doing what I thought it was doing...

"Awww...Fang! Are you blushing?!" Ella exclaimed, bursting into laughter.

"Probably!" Iggy said. "His face doesn't lie....Like Shakira's hips!"

I couldn't take this abuse anymore. I sprung off the bed and raced out the door. I headed straight for my room where I could plan Iggy's horrific death in peace.

I was lying on my bed, wondering how ironic it would be if I burned Iggy at the stake, when I heard my door crack open. I looked up to see Max's head poking into the room. "You alright, Fang?"

I rolled my eyes. "Sure, nothing broken but my pride. I wouldn't come in here too far, Max. Rumor has it that I bite."

Max just shook her head and came in anyway, walking over and sitting on the end of my bed. "I'll take my chances." She reached over and brushed a piece of hair out of my face, causing me to have to repress a shiver. Girls should not have this kind of effect on guys. It's unfair.

"Fang, I'm sorry...That went too far."

I finally let my eyes drift over to look at her, smiling. "Is this an....An apology?! An apology from the Great Maximum Ride?"

She gave me a look. "Don't be a smartass."

I took the hand that she had left lingering near my face in mine. "Apology accepted, Max."

"So, we're cool?" She asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, how could we not be?"



"Don't ever expect me to act like that Shakira slut."

"Not in a million years..."

Me: I love sweet endings....

Fang: I love it when you don't divulge all of my secrets!

Me: But it's soo much fun! Besides, anyone who's read my new oneshot about Dylan knows about Shakira anyway!

Fang: Don't talk about that evil fic...

Me: Too late! Ha!

Fang: -sigh-


11. Chapter 11

Me: So, I'm working on Fanfiction Meets Youtube along with this...

Fang: She's overwhelming herself...

Me: I am not! Just having trouble keeping up a Twitter conversation while writing both of these...

Fang: -cough- Overwhelmed -cough-

Me: -throws Fang a cough drop-

Fang: AHH!! CHRISSY!! -faints-

Me: All my fellow Tweet Whores should get that inside joke...

Fang's POV

"Ella, can I please use the computer for a minute?"

"I'm busy!"

My laptop had picked today as an awesome day to just crash and burn, leaving me with no other choice but to share the family computer while Dr. Martinez took mine to get fixed. And the rest of the family wasn't that into sharing.


"In a minute, Fang! Jeez!"

I sighed, leaning up against the wall outside Dr. M's office/computer room. I heard the phone ring somewhere in the house, but ignored it, letting Max or Iggy pick it up. This 'waiting' thing was so frustrating...Plus, I'd stayed up half the night trying to get my laptop to work, so I guess I was a bit crabby. Heck, Max said I got absolutely paranoid when I was overtired, but I didn't know what she was talking about. She was probably trying to sneakily hint something at me, and I'm sure I'd figure out what she was hiding, eventually...

"Yo, Ella! It's that Laura girl from school on the phone!" Max yelled across the house.

This was it. My one chance. I quickly blended into the wall behind me as Ella exited the room and ran down the hall to get the phone. As soon as she was gone, I ducked into the computer room, locking the door behind me.

I plopped myself down in front of the computer...

...And nearly went into shock.

In the first tab, Ella had a site open with the heading, 'How to Get Pregnant.' I scanned through the article. It explained how to know when you were most fertile, when to 'do it' and some more disgusting things I won't even go into detail about.

I noticed some other tabs open and started clicking on those.

The next one explained how guys can get healthy.....Errr....What's a good synonym for this? Mobile Reproductive Cells? Yeah, that'll work.

The next tab was probably the most disturbing. 'How to Have Sex.' You mean they have a website on this? And why was Ella looking it up?

I started reading through the three sites, trying to figure out what Ella was up to. And the conclusion I was coming to wasn't a very good one.

I'd heard about girls in high school who get this crazy idea that they aren't loved enough so they have a baby in order to have something that'll love them. Then, there are the girls who try to have a baby so that their boyfriends won't break up with them.

Now I was worried. Was Ella trying to do what I think she was trying to do? And....With who?

I mean, she and Iggy had sort of an 'almost relationship'. They weren't official, but there was definetely something going on. And if Iggy would stop flirting with every female in sight, maybe there would be.

Was Ella trying to get hold of Iggy in a way he'd never be able to get out of?

That's when I thought about the second tab. The one about the healthy 'Mobile Reproductive Cells'. Why would she be looking that up unless....

Iggy was in on this.

You know, I had been going for this whole idea that she thought she was going to seduce Iggy into....'doing it' and Iggy would tell her no and talk her out of this stupidity, then we could book Ella for some meetings with a therapist and everything would be fine. But if Iggy was going along with this...

Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming down the hall. I jumped up from the computer and slipped out of the room, blending in with the wall behind me just in time as Ella walked right by me and went back into the computer room.

I, in the meantime, started down towards our room to confront Iggy.

I stormed into the bedroom where Iggy was acting all innocent, sitting there probably working on a bomb or something, like nothing was going on. Who did he think he was fooling?

"You." I growled.

"Hey, Fang, what's up?" Iggy said, not even looking up from his bomb. That little rat...

"Look, Iggy, I know what you're up to, and I just want to let you know that it's the stupidest idea I've ever heard of in my entire life, and if you go along with it, I'll have lost all respect for you! Iggy, I knew you could stoop low, but never this low! Taking advantage of someone like that and trying to have, have one of those! You sick, sick freak!"

Iggy had froze where he was, then slowly placed his tools down. "Alright, Fang, you're freaking your buddy out here..."

"You should be freaked!" I shot back! "Just wait 'till Max finds out!"

"Fang..." Iggy said warily. Ha, he knew I'd caught on! "I know Dr. Martinez has some good drugs lying around this house, but that doesn't mean you should be testing them..."

"Oh, fine!" I snapped back at him. "Play stupid! It won't last for long!" I raced out of the room, not wanting to hear any more of his lies. I'd heard enough.

I went down to the living room, planning on finding Max and telling her what I'd found out. To my pleasant surprise, Ella was in the living room talking to Max. Perfect. As I approached the two of them, I heard Iggy coming up behind me. Doubly perfect.

"Max, I need to talk to you."

"Don't listen to him, Max!" Iggy called from behind me. "I have a feeling Fang's partaken of illegal substances. You might want to find him a straight jacket."

I spun around. "Shut up, you sick, perverted spawn of Satan!"

I turned back to Max, who looked both freaked out and exhasperated all at once. "Fang, what now?"

"Iggy and Ella!" I said, pointing to the both of them.

Max just raised an eyebrow at me. "Yeah..."

"Max, can't you see?" Ella said. "Fang's trying to be a weathervane!" She imitated my pointing.

I dropped my arms. "Max, they're...Up to something..."

Iggy, who had come to stand next to me, nodded. "Yep, Max, we're both up to something. I'm up to about 7'2" and I'd guess Ella's up to about 5'7"."

I gave Iggy a glare that was lost on him. "Stop trying to change the subject! You can't keep this a secret any longer!"

Max had turned to Iggy. "Iggy, what's going on?"

Iggy sighed dramatically. "Max, I cannot tell a lie. You're beloved Fang is on drugs."

I would've punched him if Max hadn't grabbed my arm. "Iggy, be serious." She told him.

Iggy just shrugged. "Seriously, I haven't the slightest clue."

"He's lying!" I told her. "I have proof!"

Max crossed her arms. "Alright, Fang, let's hear this 'proof'."

"I went in to use the computer while Ella was on the phone and she had all these....Like, pregnancy sites up! Like, 'How to Get Pregnant' and 'How to Have Sex' and 'How to....Well....For guys to keep....Stuff healthy! So I figured out that they were planning to- to....Ella! Why are you laughing?! This isn't funny!"

Ella had been cracking up from where she stood next to Max. Poor girl, she had probably finally lost it. She took a deep breath and got control of herself for a moment. "You're right, Fang. It's not funny and I should appreciate your concern. But I doubt a little Health class project is going to inspire me to give birth to Iggy's spawn."


"So...You were working on a Health class project..."


"And Iggy had nothing to do with it..."

"Nope." Iggy said.

"And you don't want to have his kids..."

"Not anytime soon." Ella said, giving Iggy a pointed look.

"...And I'm just overtired and paranoid."

"That about sums it up." Max said.

I just stood there for about thirty seconds, defeated.

"...I'm going to bed."

Max gave me a pat on the shoulder. "It's ok, Fangles, maybe next time you'll catch the real bad guy..."

I just glared at her and walked back down the hall.

As I was walking away, I heard Iggy call to me from behind. "Hey, Fang, guess what? Ella and I have decided to name our firstborn son after his crazy Uncle Fang!"

"I'm flipping you off, Iggy." I called back, and did just what I told him that I was doing.

God, I hate my life sometimes.

Me: -laugh hysterically-

Fang: I don't get that paranoid when I'm overtired!

Me: Pretty close...

Fang: No way.

Me: You accused my dog of being an alien.

Fang: That was just the one time...

Me: You accused my cat of being a spy.

Fang: Now that was a-

Me: You accused Mr. Hardy of hiding the door to Narnia in his beard.

Fang: ...Touche.

Me: Thought so.


And an early Happy Birthday to a reviewer named 'too hyper for sugar'! -gives cake- No, this one's not over yet! :D

12. Chapter 12

Me: I would like to thank Vera, my Updating General, for the idea for this chapter...The final chapter...

Why is it the final chapter?

Because I can't come up with any more ideas!

Well, I probably could, but I've got so many other things to work on, I just...Can't...

Fang: What happened to your 'Christmas Theme' here, Saint?

Me: It's a Christmas Present to myself?

Fang: -glare-

Me: Ok, well, read the chapter and I'll tell you more at the bottom...

Fang: I wonder if your fans hate you yet?

Me: -cries-

Fang: Saint!

Me: W-why d-d-did you say th-that for?! -cries harder-

Fang: Saint! I'm sure they don't really- -sigh- Great....

Fang's POV

How many indignities can one male truly survive?

In the course of a couple weeks, I'd already been subjected to learning more about the female reproductive system than I ever wanted to know, I'd found out that we may have to put Iggy in therapy in the next couple years if he kept the kind of thoughts he was having up, I'd helped Nudge through a part of her life that I never wanted to deal with again, I'd dealt with the dreaded monster that was simply known as 'PMS', I'd found a reason to never eat eggs again, I'd found out how not to flirt with girls, Angel had almost gotten me killed by Max, Gazzy started growing up way too fast, I'd had another run-in with the evil that is Valium, I had the one and only dream-sharing session I will ever have, and I'd made the last assumption I will ever make about someone's computer-searching habits.

But now, just when I thought thing couldn't get worse, they did.

"Come on, Fang, hurry up!" Max said, dragging me along by my arm. "Stop dragging your feet, and we'll be out of here a lot faster."

"I don't see why I have to come." I grumbled. "You, Ella, and Nudge are big girls, you can handle yourselves. Why couldn't I stay home?"

"Because Mom wanted you to come along, and now you're here, and that's that, so stop complaining and move!" She nearly ripped my arm out of my socket dragging me along. I had a feeling that she didn't really want to be here, either, and was sick of hearing me whine about something that she was forced to be doing, too. But the thing was, she was, well, 'better suited' for this kind of....Thing.

"So, which store should we go in first?" Ella called back to us, standing near a large water fountain next to Nudge, who was looking around in awe.

I just sighed. The mall. A girl's paradise, a guy's nightmare. Ella and Nudge were practically on Cloud Nine just being here. I was desperately looking for a Suicide 'R Us store to see if I could get a good deal on a noose. It had been Dr. Martinez's idea for me to come along, thinking the girls would be 'safer' with a big, strong, tough guy like me escorting them. Kind of a sexist assumption, if you ask me, and I think Max felt the same, but what could we do?

And if it wasn't bad enough that I had to be in the mall with three girls, I also had to consider what we were shopping for...

"Well, what kind of store do we have to go in to get...Those things?" Nudge asked Ella.

Ella stood there for a bit, staring thoughtfully into space. Suddenly, her eyes brightened and a grin spread across her face. "I know just the place to go! Come on!" She started to run off, motioning for us to follow her.

I sighed deeply, taking up the rear and following the three girls through the mall.

I had a feeling I wasn't going to like this. Not one bit...

"And what's this charming little store called?" Max asked sarcastically, crossing her arms and staring boredly at the store from across the hall.

Ella's grin widened. "Victoria's Secret..."

Ok, I may be a deprived and highly socially inept bird-kid, but even I'd heard of this place. I put my hands up and backed away. "Oh, no! I am so not going in there."

Ella looked back at me and put her hands on her hips. "Then what are you going to do, Fang? Stand outside and wait for us?"

I shrugged. "Sure. Why not? There's one of those pretzel places over there, not to mention that Cinnabon place smells pretty good. I'll be fine 'till you get back."

Max just shook her head at me and, once again, got a death grip on my upper arm. "I don't think so, Fangles. If I have to go in the place, you're coming with me." She started to drag me toward the store, Ella and Nudge going on ahead.

I struggled to break Max's iron grip, twisting and turning this way and that and making a scene there in the middle of the mall. I caught to old ladies staring at me and waved before continuing my struggle. "Why can't we go in some other store?" I asked them as I twisted in Max's grip. "What about Kohl's? Kohl's has nice stuff. Nudge, you like Kohl's. I'm sure they sell...Those things in Kohl's."

Ella looked back at me, rolling her eyes. "Really, Fang? Those things? Is it really all that hard to say 'bras'?"

I glared back at her. "Oh, shut up."

Inside the store, things didn't get much better.

"Check this out, Max!" Nudge said, holding up a small, skimpy piece of fabric.

Max squinted. "Yeah, I can barely see it. What is that, scrap fabric?"

"Nope, that's underwear." Ella said.

Max's eyes widened. "Underwear for who? A smurf?"

"Actually, I don't think that'd cover a smurf, even..." I muttered, trying to look anywhere but at the sorry excuse for a pair of panties. So awkward...

"How much does that thing cost, anyway?" Max asked.

Nudge checked the price tag, which was almost bigger than the panties. "It's on sale. Twenty-four dollars."

Max's eyes bugged out. My jaw dropped.

"That's a sale?!" Max exclaimed.

"I'd hate to see the retail price..." I muttered.

Max shook her head. "That's it, we're out of here."

"No, Max!" Ella called from where she was pawing through a pile of...Those things we were here for. I decided to go back to staring at the ceiling. "Don't worry, we'll find some stuff that's a bit cheaper. Plus, I have mom's credit card, and she doesn't mind."

"Are you sure-?" Max started to ask, but suddenly, Ella squealed and ran to the other side of the store.

"Nudge! Come see these! These are perfect!"

Nudge ran off after her, leaving Max and I to stand there, wondering how someone could be so excited about undergarments.

About fifteen minutes later, Max, Ella, and I were sitting outside a changing room, waiting for Nudge to come out. Ella had tried a couple times to get Max to come walk through the store with her, but Max had, thankfully, refused. If she ran off with Ella to look at skimpy clothing for fun, not only would I be worrying about Max's sanity, but then I would be left alone to wait for Nudge...

So now, we were sitting in front of the dressing rooms...Doing nothing.

And I was trying desperetely not to look at anything while trying to look like I wasn't trying not to look at anything. A very confusing and complicated situation to be in.

"Hey, you guys know what 'arm' is, in French?" Ella suddenly asked, breaking our awkward, bored silence.

"Sorry, haven't really brushed up on my French lately." Max said. "What is it?"

"Bra!" Ella exclaimed in answer. "You know what that means?"

"That the French have a sick sense of humor?" Max guessed.

"That's Fang's has two bras on his body right now!" Ella said, laughing.

I just sat there, staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore the awkward conversation going on at my side. I made a mental note to never go to France.

"Ok." Nudge said, coming out of the dressing room. She was carrying a pile of...Undergarments in each hand. "I like these." She said, holding up the pile in her right hand. "But these are uncomfortable." She added, holding up the pile in the other hand. "It's hard to find some that work around the, uh, wings." She added in a lower voice.

"Yeah, I could've told you that." Max said. "It's a real pain. But, of course, going without one can be a pain, too."

"I've had days where I was in such a hurry to get dressed, I forgot to put one on." Ella said. "Not a good idea..."

Max laughed. "You've never flown without one! Talk about awkward..."

"Hello!!" I finally exclaimed. "Male within hearing distance!"

"Sorry, Fang." Max said. Of course, her apology didn't minimize the fact that Ella and Nudge were now giggling uncontrollably. God, I hate giggling...

"Come on, we should get going." Ella said, getting up, still giggling away. Was there a giggle organ? Because I wanted to rip it out...

"Yeah, we should go before Fang's face gets any redder." Nudge said, following Ella. "Someone's already gonna think we're toting around an emo Oompa Loompa!"

Max and I got up to follow them, me ready to kill them both. "Hey! I'm not emo! And my face can't be that red!"

All three of them cracked up when I said that. Ok, so I guess it could be that red...

We were so close to getting out of the store. So close! But, of course, Ella would have to get detoured...

"Max! Oh my God! Check this out!" She said, running over to a display and laughing.

I made the mistake of looking over to the display that Ella was running and pointing to.

If my face hadn't been red before, it was now.

Up on top of a table stood a tall, blonde mannequin. A tall, blonde, winged mannequin. And she was modeling an outfit that I didn't think they'd be allowed to model in public.

"Max!" Nudge squealed. "It looks like you!"

"It does not!" Max exclaimed back. "Just 'cause it's blonde and has wings does not make it a Max look-alike."

"If you cut the hair a bit, it would look like you." Ella said.

"Would not!" Max shot back. "She looks nothing like me. Right, Fang?"

"Yeah, Fang!" Ella said. "You tell us! Does that look like Max?"

Up 'till this point, I had been trying to avoid looking in the general direction of the mannequin again. One quick glance had been enough.

"Come on, Fang, you have to look at it!" Nudge said, trying to physically turn me around to look.

"Girls, can't we just go?" I asked, trying to get away from Nudge.

"Not until you look!" Ella said, stomping her foot.

I finally gave in, hoping that we would be able to leave if I just complied. I took a quick glance over at the mannequin.

"Well, Fang?" Max asked.

"You're right, it doesn't look like you." I said, just wanting to make Max happy.

Suddenly, Max put her hands on her hips. "Oh, so I don't look like the mannequin?" She said angrily. "I could never look as good as that stupid piece of plastic, huh?"

I shook my head. "No, no, you look better than the mannequin!"

"Nice sucking up, Fang." Ella said, crossing her arms.

Max was glaring at me now. "First, you call me ugly, then you suck up to me."

"Max!" I exclaimed. "I thought you wanted me to agree with you!"

"Oh, so now everything you say is just to make me happy?!" She said angrily. "How can I trust anything you say anymore?!"

"No, Max, that's not what I-" I started to say.

"Fang, you're an insensitive jerk!" Ella said, kicking me in the shin.

"Ow! Ella, I-"

"Loser!" Nudge exclaimed, giving my other shin a bruise to match.

"Nudge! Stop! I-"

"What is wrong with you!" Max yelled, whacking me in the back of the head.

"What the Hell?!" I yelled out.

Suddenly, the whole store went quiet. I looked around to see everyone in the entire place staring at me.

Obviously, I yelled louder than I thought.

"Good job, Fang." Max muttered.

I could feel my face turning the darkest shade of red it had ever been.

"I'll...Wait outside." I muttered, then beat a hasty retreat towards the door.

Outside, I stood miserably against a wall, watching everyone walk by. Why do girls have to be such.....Girls?

"You look glum, man."

I looked up to see some blonde guy with glasses carrying four huge bags chock full of crap like clothes and toys. He, too, had stopped to lean up against the wall and wait.

"Yeah..." I said, not really wanting to talk to some weirdo.

He grinned, bobbing his head toward the Victoria's Secret store. "You got a girl in there?"

Ah, a guy who knew my pain. "Yeah, her and her two sisters."

The guy rolled his eyes, smiling. "Yeah, girls and their sisters. My wife has two sisters, too. And when they get together, it can get a bit crazy." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. Then, just like in the movies, he pulled out a picture to show me. It was of a dark-haired woman holding a little baby.

"Those are my girls." The guy said, grinning. "Beautiful, aren't they?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Girls." He said, smiling and shaking his head. "They can be crazy, huh?"

I nodded, rolling my eyes. "You can say that again."

"Oh, yeah." he said. "My wife, she's in that store right now. She just can't understand why I refuse to go in with her. Well, I could tell her, besides the fact that I lose a small percentage of testosterone going in there, the last time I walked in there with her, she accused me of checking out the mannequins." We both laughed, I knew how he felt.

"Then, there's the times when she's with her sisters." He let out a sigh. "Those females. When they're alone, they're bad enough. But together? Pure Hades. My wife's sisters pick on me mercilessly. And then, they'll gang up on me on just about everything."

I nodded. "I know how that feels."

"Yeah." He said, smiling. He looked back down at his picture. "You know, though, it's all worth it. For moments like this." He said, pointing to the picture in his hand. "And even for moments like right now, waiting outside a Victoria's Secret just so I can carry another oversized bag. It's all worth it."

"Yeah?" I asked. I was wondering by now why the guy still had any hair. I would've pulled all of mine out by now due to frustration.

"Oh, yeah." He said, nodding. "Tell me, the girl you're waiting on, she let you stay out here, or did you get tossed out for some reason?"

"I kinda left, actually." I explained. "After she and her sisters beat me up for agreeing with her when I guess I shouldn't have."

"Ah, the female trick questions. Here's a tip for those, my friend. Sometimes, there just is no right answer." He winked at me. "Anyway, so, you're out here, you're pissed, you're embarrassed, you're testerone levels have dropped to dangerously low percentages. So, whatcha gonna do about it? Yell at her? Beat her up? Leave her?"

Ok, what kind of freak answers are those?! "No!"

He smiled. "So, you're gonna let it slide. And why is that?"

"Because it's no big deal..." I said.

"And it's no big deal because..." He said.

"Because she's...Well, because I..." I said, struggling for the answer.

"Because you love her." The guy said, finishing my sentence for me. "And in the end, it's that love that'll help you not only get through all the abuse you'll go through, but have you crawling back for more, just like every other guy on the planet."

"Hey!" a woman called, coming out of the store. She was pushing a stroller and carrying a large Victoria's Secret bag. She began motioning towards my new friend. "Come on, I'm done here! We gotta move if we're going to get to my sister's for dinner. Come get this bag! I've gotta push the stollers, you know!"

The guy smiled, laughing a bit. "That's my boss. Gotta run." He clapped me on the shoulder. "Good luck, man."

"Thanks." I said, as he started to walk away.

Suddenly, he stopped, leaning closer to me. "Another tip for you, my man." He said. "You'll find that, even though it's a pain to be around this store, what's in that bag makes it all worth it." He winked at me again and headed toward his wife and kid.

I watched them leave, the guy happily taking yet another bag and giving both his wife and their little baby a kiss.

Not long after, Max and the girls came out, carrying more disgustingly pink bags than I thought should exist.

Max walked over and took my hand. "Hey, sorry about driving you out there."

I shrugged. "Hey, it gave me a reason to leave."

"I think next time, I'll talk Mom into letting us come on our own." She said. "Don't want to torture you anymore than necessary."

"Hey, it's alright." I said. "I'll come with you, as long as I don't actually have to go in that store, that is. Cool?"

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah, cool. So...You're not pissed?"

I shook my head. "Nah, it's too much work to stay pissed."

We started walking after Ella and Nudge, who were gossiping and giggling away, checking out guys in the mall shamelessly.

That's when I noticed that Max was carrying one of those ridiculous pink bags. "What's in there, Maximum?"

She pulled the bag behind her. "None of your business."

I smiled. "Alright...I'll just have to use my imagination..."

"Fang!" She exclaimed, giving me a push jokingly.

I just smiled, shaking my head, and kept walking.

You know, I kinda liked going to the mall.

Me: Well, I hope this was a good last chapter. I like my stories to go out well, and for a story that I didn't know what to do with, I think this chapter's pretty good.

Fang: Saint ran out of ideas for this story about five chapters ago.

Me: I think I let it go on for too long. I know a lot of people love it, but I just can't do this one anymore...

I'll tell you what, though. I know a lot of people have had some good ideas for this story that, for one reason or another, I was never able to use. If you have one of those ideas, feel free to write yourself a Facts of Life sequel or something, really. Just let me know so I can read it! Heck, if I get enough of those, I may make a community or something for them...

Fang: She thought about doing a 'Facts of Life Sequel Competition', but not only does she not have the time or motivation, she didn't want to have to judge and pick favorites.

Me: Ok, I'm just gonna...End it....

Fang: You can tell we don't end stories very often.

Me: I might miss it...

Fang: Then, you'll write some kind of messed-up sequel and overwork yourself again.

Me: -sigh- Yeah...Basically, people, don't take the story of your alerts, because I may start it up again someday. Until then, adios! And remember, I've written other stuff for you people to read, too!

Fang: So, for the final time, for now...