Don't Do Drugs, Kids by the7thflockmember

Category:Maximum Ride
Genre:Humor, Parody
Characters:Fang, Max
Published:2009-03-29 13:00:43
Updated:2009-04-18 10:44:12
Packaged:2021-04-22 03:03:54
Summary:Two-shot about what would happen if Fang drank Valium. I'm at a loss for words today, so just read if you want. But believe you me, Fang has a REEEEEEEALLY strange mind. FAX sort of...

Table of Contents

1. Chapter 1
2. Chapter 2

1. Chapter 1


Heyy, people, this was kind of a spur of the moment thing. But don't worry, there will DEFINITELY be another chapter!

Disclaimer: I'll have my new hostage explain how I don't own this... TAKE IT AWAY, ZACH! Oh, hold on, let me bring him over here...
Zach: Hello, people. I'm Zach Goode. From the Gallagher Girls Series. Abby stole me. Unfortun--OW! Jeez, i thought i was the spy! I mean, FORTUNATELY for me, i get to do the disclaimer... Okay, Abby owns this as much as she's a red head with a pig nose and tail... not likely.

Claimer: she thought this up if it helps...? OH! AND SHE OWNS THE UFMSAC! (you'll find out who he/she is... uh.. it)

Angel POV

Geez. Where did all the excitement in my life fly off to? (No pun intended).

All we do lately is eat, sleep, pee, well, uh… you know what else…

I mean, we haven't flown in ages. It's so boring here.

But at least Max has help caring for us now. Her mom, Dr. Martinez, who we're supposed to call Mom, (although it's hard for Iggy and Fang to call her that), let us stay with her for the past four months.

Yeah. That's how long we've been doing a whole lot of fun called NOTHING!

And the neighbors stray away from us like we have the plague! I mean seriously! It's like we're a bunch of mutants to them! (Sorry, TOTAL pun intended).

Sometimes I just want to fly away from here. (Okay, again, these puns are cheesy. But I can't help it! I'm a seven year old girl with bird DNA in me! It comes with the job!)

Anyway, I'll try to cut the silly jokes.

So… anyways, I'm bored and it's not like I can do anything on my way to the kitchen. With a container of valium… in the kitchen… Yah, Nope! Nothin' strange here!

Alright, I have to tell someone my plan. "Iggy!" I heard him shuffle down the stairs.

"Ig, I'm bored." He looked at me funny. "You yelled really loudly to me just to tell me you're bored? Not again."

I heard him mumble a string of curse words in his head.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that normally I would dress you up in Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty dresses to have a tea party, but this is com-PLETELY different!"

"Damn you and your mind control, he grumbled softly, "You said that the time you made me play house."

"Hey, that wasn't so bad."

"You made me be the baby."

"But you were a cute one."

"And I was wearing a diaper. Hey, don't cut me off! You had Max feed me through a bottle!"

"Eh, that was a special day in history! I… I learned to lick my nose! And besides, I wanted to mix it up a little! You make it seem like I hung you in the backyard by your toes and was slowly plucking your eyebrows off one by one."

He cringed. Poor blind guy.

"Look Ig, this has nothing to do with the well-being of your testosterone. I have a plan. For a certain bird-kid living in this house with us..."

With that I whispered my ploy in his ear and watched the maniacal grin spread across his face.

Fang POV

"Hey, Fang!" I heard Iggy's voice call from the kitchen.


"Yo, man, I was just making some Shirley Temples, and since I know how much you like, sorry, LOVE them, I figured I'd make you one. Savvy?" "Heck yah, man, but, uh, keep the pirate talk for the kids, eh, mate?" I playfully punched him and left the room


Out of the corner of my eye I saw Iggy come out of the kitchen with a pink drink in his hand.

"Here man, made with love from Igdatius Ride."

"Shut up, Ig-dork-tius. Hey, why's it all…"

I made my face look distorted in disgust. Hehe. Try saying that ten times fast. I dare ya.

"… pink?"

"Oh, we ran out outta cherry juice, sorry, bro."

"Whatever. If it's a drink, I'll drink it. If it's food, I'll eat it." Honestly, I never understood why people always say, 'If it's roasted he'll eat it. ~~Fang', because honestly, people! If it's food, it'll be devoured in seconds. Especially if it's food a la Iggster.

He walked out and I could have sworn I heard a little giggle and a quiet chuckle from upstairs.

I shrugged it off and sipped my drink. Hmm… it tastes funny.

Eh, Iggy made it.

It's not like he'd poison me, you know?

... Right?...

Me: Nahh, Fang, it's cool. He wouldn't poison you. Just y'noe, drug ya. But no big deal, eh?

Zach Goode:
Riiiiight. And I'm a blue unicorn who's in love with Rebecca Baxter, a fuzzy pink unicorn. Honestly. Not gonna happen!

ZACHY! Wait… why are you untied? I mean, seriously, the That 70's Show Marathon's on. Why would you miss that? And I tied that with like… ten ropes! With double knots! And a cute little bow on top!

*points to self* spy

Me: *sigh* Oh, believe me, Zachy, I know. Anyway, please go tie yourself back up and I'll give you visiting hours. And you know what that means…

CAMMIE TIME! *ties self back up in the7thflockmember's father's livingroom to watch That 70's Show.*

Me: Heheheh. He's a sucker. And he's aallll mine. *goes to get a cardboard-cutout Cammie poster*

xX~ One Shirley Temple later ~Xx

(A/N; I was listening to the Hamster Dance song. So sorry about the crazyness).


'Cos we're not in Britain anymore… I found the Ruby slippers! But I must say, they definitely weren't my color.

Oh boy, what am I thinking?

"MAAAAX!!" She bolted into the living room in a grass skirt and coconut bra.

"Why Fang, whatever is the matter, dear? I told you not to interrupt my hookie lau time with Lilo and Stitch!"

"What the hell, Max?!"

"You know very well what I mean, Fang. If I mean what you mean could really mean what it's supposed to mean, then we'd all be learning the Grass Shack Hula Song Flock Style!

'I wanna go back to my huge E-shaped house in Colorado.

I wanna be with other bird-kids and freaky mutants that I met long ago. Oh so, long ago.

I can hear nasty old Jeb saying, "I'm a creepy pedophile".

I can hear the old Whitecoats praying, 'Don't let Max and her flock back or else we'll get out asses kicked'.

It wont be long 'til my wings will be flying back to home now.

A grand ole place that's too high up to see!

I'm just a little lonely for a flying boy, I wanna go back to my Barbie toys.

I want to back to my huge E-shaped house in Colorado.

Where the itty-bitty bird-kids swiftly go flying by. Where the itty-bitty bird-kids swiftly go flying by.'

Shock. That's what was clearly written all over my face.

All of a sudden Lilo and Stitch go flying down the stairs- not literally, of course –"MAX! Let's show Fang our other dance routine!:

They started jumping across the room, their grass skirts flying in every direction.

"This is for a certain emo boy out there. HERE'S TO FANG!"

'Hey, come on, don't cut yourself,

don't use that knife, it's just too sharp.

You've got to, ha, ha, to give it to me, baby.

Don't you cut over there, be a man, if you dare.

You've got to, ha, ha, act like Slim Shady!

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up? Please stand up?"

I quietly crept out of the room and listened to the music-no, obnoxious rambling- fade away.

Walking up the stairs to my room I thought, "I'm gonna go get some shut-eye. Then I can get that hot—I mean TOTALLY inappropriate –image of Max in a bikini out of my head."

I opened my door only to find Iggy and Gazzy on my bed.

Making out.

In tutus and fairy wings.

And… tiaras?! Where'd these come from?! I want one!

Oh, this is great blackmail. I grabbed the camera next to me and snapped a photo of them.

They hastily jumped apart from each other.

"It's not what it looks like!" Gazzy screamed.

"Chill, dude, it's just Fang. Max would kill us if she knew what we were up to. But our secret's safe with you, right?" Iggy looked in my general direction.

I just backed out of my room and shut the door.

I heard odd noises coming from Angel's room. It almost sounded like… rapping.

I peeked in only to find Total rapping to Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

'Alright stop. Collaborate and listen.'

Suddenly the author, the7thflockmember, falls through the ceiling and starts singing with him.

'Abby's back with a brand new invention. Something! Grabs a hold of me tightly. Flows like a harpoon, daily and nightly.'

I couldn't take it anymore. I figured I'd go see what Angel was up to.

She'd probably be the sanest person here.

She was in Nudge's room in a black ballerina outfit, barking orders at Stormtroopers.

Meanwhile, Nudge was wearing a blonde wig and a pink feather boa.

Oh, and a shirt that said 'Sharpay' on it; whatever that means. I am so not gonna ask.

As I was about to leave, Angel, or should I say Devil, I noticed was completely black—except for her skin, which was whiter than ever, and her cheeks, a light pink color.

She started to look at the blond Nudge- Sorry, Sharpay- and then maniacally cackled.

"You're all here for Devil's 'You're all gonna DIE' Show! Enjoy."

Swiftly and expertly she pulled out a lightsaber—from where I don't know because honestly, where would she hide the freaking thing? She's wearing a tutu! – and started jumping around, cutting off the heads of the blue and purple Stormstroopers- sorry, according to Devil's speech (which I would prefer not to repeat), they're called StarTroopers.

Poor things never stood a chance against Devil's pink and black zebra-striped lightsaber.

Then she turned around and looked me in the eye-dark chocolate brown to… purple?!?

"Hello, there, Fang2-D2, I see you're here for the show! Sit! Now. Oh, and Fang, YOU ARE MY FATHER!"

Suddenly she gasped but then looked confused. She whistled and an unidentified flying magical special… awkward creature, UFMSAC, came running along with a young boy named Ricky.

"You know my brother Polly, well this is her son, Ricky. Anyways, guys, do I have to do this? I AM only seven after all!"

Ricky nodded and the UFMSAC made a noise that somewhat resembled that of a dying cow in a blender.

Don't ask how I know that.

The UFMSAC turned to me and said, "The name's Quirtsquip Ulf Wakechai Gryphon Zeppelin the tenth." I'm part unicorn, phoenix, mermaid, cow, elephant, dog, but only a little, oh, and pig. Look at my cute little tail! But I hate being PINK! It should curl up in a corner and DIE! JUST LIKE LIFE!"

He galloped away crying. Ricky quickly nodded to Devil and muttered something, then ran off to go get Quirtsquip Ulf Wakechai Gryphon Zeppelin the tenth.


Max bolted up here in an awkward robe type thing.

"Okay, look, dude, I'm not stupid, and I will not fall for the 'I'll-make-her-think-I'm-really-asking-for-help-but-I'm-really-trying-to-get-you-to-join-the-darkside' ploy. It never works."

Devil looked upset and said, "Dude! No one calls it that anymore! It's called… uh… 'The-special-way-to-use-untechnical-reverse-psychology-but-not-really-so-I'm-gonna-confuse-you-until-you-give-in' ploy!"

Jedi Master Max shook her head but added, "I will never join the darkside, Devil. But Fang2-D2 over here looks a little faint."

All of a sudden I heard a voice… The Voice, perhaps?

Well, it sure as hell sounded like Jeb.

'Use the force, Max. It's the only way. You're his only hope!'

Well, Max used the force alright.

A little too forcefully if I may say so myself.

She kneed me where the sun don't shine. Then she sunk down to where I was laying in pain on the floor and lightly kissed my lips.

"Sorry, Fang2-D2. I had to stop the hallucinations." Huh? What hallucinations?

"Angel made us do weird things to see how thye would affect you on Valium. She was in your mind the whole time, the poor girl. Sorry, it had a strange effect on you. Way different than how I reacted with it. But then again, I didn't ingest it… Anyway, I just want you to know that I love you."

"That's alright, Max. I love you, too. Boy, you used the force alright." My voice was a bit squeaky, but they looked at me funny.

Because of the last thing that I mentioned. But of course, Angel thought it was hilarious and started cracking up.

Oh, believe me, I will never doubt my family for drugging me EVER AGAIN.

Okay, peeps! There WILL BE ANOTHER CHAPTER! It's going to explain what really happened when he was imagining all of this. Okay,um... the first song that Max sings is originally My Little Grass Shack in Kealakekua, Hawai'i. Then it was Cut the Crap by Alice in Videoland redone... uh.. and Total and my song was Ice Ice Baby, as said in the story. OH, i don't own Lilo and Stitch, either! =] Love you all!


2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: DON'T DO DRUGS, KIDS!

*READ THIS!* This has spoilers for MAX, so parts of it may not make sense if you haven't read it. SO READ IT!*

Oh, and sorry for bad grammar or spelling. This computer doesn't have spell check and my laptop decided it would stop working. *mumbles* stupid thing


Random voice that sounds vaguelky like the author's: After Angel tells Iggy about her plan to embarass Fang, Iggy does his part to help. After giving Fang the valium-filled Shirley Temple, everything seems to tumble down-hill. Or up-hill. You know, it really just depends on what side of the prank you are on...

What Really Happened


Breathe in; punch; REPEAT!

Tumble and roll; fighting stance; punch.

360; duck; roundhouse kick.

In with the good air, out with the-- "MAAAX!"

FANG?!?! He knows he can't interrupt my... Well, I never really named it. Everyone just refers to it as my venting time... =)...

I looked down at my outfit and grimaced. I was wearing tattered old sweatpants, a low-cut ribbed tank, and a recently-slipped on oversized black hoodie- borrowed from Fang himself. My hair was in a messy twist of blond and I probably looked like crap.

But Fang sounded urgent, so I guess it doesn't matter.

Besides, no flyboy, Eraser, or M-Geek would honestly care how I looked. Well, except for Ari but- nevermind. I don't really want to talk about him.

I swiftly shuffled down the short flight of stairs.

There he was, on the floor beside the couch looking... confused... and a little bit... tipsy? Rolling my eyes, I sarcastically spoke up.

"Why, Fang, whatever is the matter, dear? I told you not to interrupt my venting time on the mats with 'Jeb II'."

Jeb II was the punching bag we kept in our attic-redone-as-an-exercise-room.

"What the hell, Max?!"

"You know very well what I mean, Fang. I mean, we go over this quite a bit with the younger kids, but you? And stop looking at me like I'm singing the Grass Shack hula song."

Suddenly he zoned out, eyes slightly glazed over. Two minutes later he shook his head in disbelief.

He opened his mouth slightly, almost as if he wanted to say something. However, he was interrupted by Nudge flying --not literally, though; her wing-s[an is too large-- down the stairs screaming loud enough for the poor Krelps in the deep underwater life would have expected more radiation poisoning.

"MAX! I want to show you and Gang my new dance routine!: Hmm... catchy song. It was called, "Cut the Crap" by Alice in Videoland.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Fang creep out of the room, a puzzled and pained look on his face. Alrighty then. Whatever. Nudge is center-stage right now! =)

Gazzy POV

Man, this is freaking awesome! Iggy and I just discovered how to make a bomb using a few random household items.

We used a cheese grater, some twisty ties, a calculator, and (don't tell!), Max's new alarm clock, (we replaced her Mickey Mouse one).

So we were in Fang's room-- where Max would, (most likely), never check-- hunched over, putting together our latest invention.

Iggy started mumbling something about needing my help with telling what was what.

All of a sudden I heard the snap of a camera. I gathered the stuff and hid it behind me.

"It's not what it looks like!" I screamed, fearing it was Max.

"Chill, dude, it's just Fang. Max would kill us if she knew what we were up to. But our secret's safe with you, right?"

How Iggy knew it was Fang is beyond me --but I think I remember him saying he could hear heartbeats or something like that-- but I just saw Fang walk backwards out of teh room, bug-eyed, and close the door behind him. Whatever. We have work to do.

Iggy POVWow, the Valium must be working. He's gone MENTAL! I sighed. God, I love Angel!

Speak of the Devil and the Devil Shall Appear

Angel POV:

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Fang high off of Valium is a sight to SEE!

Between what he sees and what really happens, I mean, wow. He haw a wild imagination for such a quiet guy.

ZOMG! What's he doing now?!?

Total POV

Wow. This singstar thing is SO MUCH FUN! Right now I was singing... erm, rapping to "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice.

Fang walked in briefly, and, to put it in a nutshell and wrap it up with sparkly wrapping paper (ahh, I love shiny stuff... *sigh*...), and a mondo- sized purple bow, walked straight back out.

Eh, whatever. I continued rapping. JEEZ, PEOPLE! I SHOULD DO THIS PROFESSIONALLY!

Pfft. And you all doubted me.

Nudge POV

Angel and I were putting on a show. I was Sharpay from High School Musical and she was the itty-bitty ballerina.

I had already put on my act and it was Angel's turn. She looked so cute in her pink tutu and leotard.

Her hair was up in a tight bun with a few stray curls bouncing out of it.

She turned to me and our audience of Angel's stuffed animals and started to introduce herself and her act. She giggled softly and smiled a cute, cheeky smile, her nose slightly scrunched.

Crouching down to the floor, Angel picked up these really awesome twirler things with ribbons that flowed prettily when she swirled them through the air. Dancing and jumping around, she dragged the twirlers over the heads of the stuffies carefully.

She abruptly put the twirlers in the laps of the bear section, Celeste among them, and turned around to find Fang.

Gee, I didn't even notice him standing there. His eyes were wide, probably in awe, and he and Angel seemed to be having a staring contest for a few minutes. Angel broke the silence.

"Hello there, Fang. I see you're here for the ballet! Please, take a seat! Oh, and Fang, I just want you to know that you make a great dad to me and Gaz. Oh, and Nudge, too, I guess. Anyways, enjoy!"

Suddenly, she gasped.

Angel POV

I was taking the chance to quickly check how Fang saw this, when I gasped.

His mind was wicked messed up. Then I realized how I could help him. But I didn't want to hurt him.

What I told him earlier was entirely true. I whistled, holding up my Ricky doll and Polly Pocket doll. Iggy's head popped in.

In the background some unidentifiable creature lurked through... hmm....

"Guys, you all know Polly Pocket, well this is Ricky, her boyfriend. Anyways, do I have to do this? I am only seven, after all!"

Iggy nodded and left, but I heard that creature make some kind of awkward screeching noise.

It kind of sounded like a dying cow in a blender.

"Fine, but Max has to do it. I don't want to hurt him," I mumbled. Alrighty then! I watched as Fang looked more and more dazed.

Poor guy. I snuck a peek at what he was thinking. Oh! So that's what it is. Weird.



After my little run-in with Fang I decided to clean up a bit.

After my shower, I got dressed into a pair of zebra striped skinny jeans and my black Escape the Fate t-shirt.

I slipped on my hot pink hoodie with random doodles on it.

Just as my hand touched the door knob, I heard, "MAX! COME HERE! IN MY ROOM! FANG NEEDS HELP! WE HAVE SOME INTENSE PROBLEMS UP HERE!"

It was Angel. But what was with Fang?

"I'm here, and Fang looks kind of faint."

"Just get him to stop hallucinating." Angel told me what I had to do -- telepathically, of course -- and I grimaced.

Trust me, I'm not proud of it. I kneed him in the family jewels.

I kneeled down to where he was writhing in pain on Angel's floor and gave him a gentle kiss.

"Sorry, Fang. I had to stop the hallucinations." I gave him an apologetic look.

"Angel told us to carry on with our day like normal, but make sure that we ran into you at least once. We wanted to see how they would affect you on Valium. She was in your mind for most of the time, the poor girl. Sorry, it had a strange effect on you. Waaay different than how I reacted with it. But then again, I didn't ingest it... Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I love you."

"That's alright, Max. I love you, too. Boy, you used the force, alright." His voice was a bit squeaky, but we all passed that by.

What he said at the end just didn't make sense.

Fang POV

Nobody moved our spoke at all, but I did notice Angel smirking, trying to contain her quiet giggles.

Suddenly I felt like my brain was going into lock-down. Today's events from my perspective flashed through my mind like an internal movie.

When it was back to when I got my sense back, I felt myself gain control over my head again. I shook my head and heard muffled laughs and soft snorts.

I felt blood rush to my cheeks. Woops.

"HAHA! WOAH, MAN! THAT'S FUC-- I mean... messed up!" Thank you, Iggy! NOT!

In my peripheral vision I noticed something purple in the doorway.

Panicking, I caught Max's attention and we all turned to the door. What ever it was galloped away.

"Did anyone just see that?" All I got were blank stares.

"See... what?" Gazzy hesitantly asked. They all turned to the door again.

Abruptly, Nudge, or Sharpay-- yes, she was actually wearing that thing!-- rose from her seat and peered through the door, obviously wondering if the Valium permanently messed up my brain.

She turned back, eyes wide. "OH EM SQUEE! It's Quirtsquip Ulf Wakechai Gryphon Zeppelin the tenth!" Nobody moved, but some chuckled, obviously thinking she was merely making fun of me.

"No... seriously. I promise on... on... MY TALKING FOR A WEEK!" That was major.

We all rushed to look. There he was at the end of our hallway, in front of a sparkling doorway. After making a gargled noise, he walked in, and the doorway dissappeared.


We all walked away from the door open-mouthed and speechless. He was real?!

Fang POV

...Alright then... Um... I... uh... Wow... " I think I'm gonna go take a nap... uh.. yah. Later." They nodded, dismissing me.

Angel POV

Okay, even I was speechless. I know you all probably think I did that but.. It was NOT me!

I'm as shocked as the rest of you.

That's it! I'm going to send a letter to the president telling him to make the use of Valium illegal!


Random Third Party Observer POV

That's all for now, folks! Autographs later from the UFMSAC him... her... ITself! HASTA LUEGO!

Hey, People! I hope you liked it! I know, it was pretty stupid. But I was bored! And I had the worst spring break EVER so cut me some slack! Later, peeps!