Another Form of the Avian Bird Flu by St. Fang of Boredom

Category:Maximum Ride
Genre:Humor, Romance
Characters:Fang, Max
Published:2008-10-03 10:01:18
Updated:2013-03-13 20:58:13
Packaged:2021-04-04 12:24:21
Summary:So, Fang gets sick. The flu, to be exact. And, of course, he has to pull a whole 'Whining Macho Prince' thing about it. Max and Dr. Martinez deal with Fang's attitude, Iggy tries to boycott Campbell's Soup, the Flock play with a blender, and...FAX! Eggy!

Table of Contents

1. Chapter 1:Burnt Toast and Dreams
2. Chapter 2:His Majesty Slumbers
3. Chapter 3:You're Sick, So Deal With It!
4. Chapter 4:The Evils of Campbell's Soup
5. Chapter 5: How Fang's Feeling
6. Chapter 6: Delirium
7. Chapter 7: It Was The Fever Talking!
8. Chapter 8: Lovesick?
9. Chapter 9: Iggy in Hell
10. Chapter 10: Something Eggy?
11. Chapter 11: Ms Jealous? Mr Emo?
12. Chapter 12: Ways To Piss Off Censors
13. Chapter 13: Soap Poisoning
14. Chapter 14: Blog Comments
15. Chapter 15: Justin?
16. Chapter 16: Closet Space
17. Chapter 17: Pooky vs Spiffy
18. Chapter 18: 'Protective Things'
19. Chapter 19: Just Pay the Support, Fang!
20. Chapter 20: The Trial
21. Chapter 21: Take Your Own Advice
22. Chapter 22: Perfume and Politics
23. Chapter 23: A Child's Perspective On Fax
24. Chapter 24: It's Not What You Think,Mom
25. Chapter 25: Blog Comments: Second Batch
26. Chapter 26: Let's Play Connect The Dots!
27. Chapter 27: Stupid BackScratcher
28. Chapter 28: Guys Don't Faint
29. Chapter 29: Night Quills
30. Chapter 30: Blog Comment: Revisited
31. Chapter 31: Don't Do Drugs! Give Hugs!
32. Chapter 32: Sickbed Buddies
33. Chapter 33: It's Not What You Think!
34. Chapter 34: When Juice Wears Tights
35. Chapter 35: The Curse of Fang
36. Chapter 36: One Loooong Night
37. Chapter 37: Semi Formal Celery
38. Chapter 38: Blog Comments Attack Again!
39. Chapter 39: Figgy Fight!
40. Chapter 40: Make Up Artistry
41. Chapter 41: Blog Comments and Cameos
42. Chapter 42: Of Torture and Stalkers
43. Chapter 43: Paranoia Problems
44. Chapter 44: Homestaying Dance
45. Chapter 45: Dance Lessons
46. Chapter 46: The After Effects of Love
47. Chapter 47: A Temporary Escape
48. Chapter 48: Part 2: Return
49. Chapter 49: Reverse Psychology Failure
50. Chapter 50: Open Mouths and Open Windows
51. Chapter 51: The Suicide Note
52. Chapter 52: Fang Saves Guam
53. Chapter 53: Gaggles of Googling
54. Chapter 54: Comments of Blogness
55. Chapter 55: MmmHmm?
56. Chapter 56: Taking Farmville to the Max
57. Chapter 57: And Down Will Fall Iggy
58. Chapter 58: Why Seagulls Fly in Circles
59. Chapter 59: Stalkers and Silly Putty
60. Chapter 60: Hair
61. Chapter 61: The Chain of Chaos
62. Chapter 62: The Recap Chap
63. Chapter 63: The Game
64. Chapter 64: It's Getting Hot in Here
65. Chapter 65: Alone With The Enemy
66. Chapter 66: Travel Plans
67. Chapter 67: Blog Comments & Little Timmy
68. Chapter 68: Of Disney and Detergent

1. Chapter 1:Burnt Toast and Dreams

Your Friendly Neighborhood Disclaimer: I do not own Maximum Ride or anything associated with it. I do not own Fang (yet, hee hee). I am also poor and have no money, so suing me would get you nowhere, anyway. So, please don't. Thank you and have a glorious day full of happiness and contentment. And stuff.

A Note!: I feel the need to add today, March 18, 2009, that this story takes place after The Final Warning. Now that the new book's out, I need to inform the populace...

I loved staying at Mom's (Dr. Martinez for you clueless ones). It felt like, well, home. And lately, we'd been lucky enough to be able to stay at her place with Ella and Jeb for a while, 'till we planned our next move. And, yes, I had considered that our next move should be 'stay here and live with Mom forever' but the Voice and Jeb had to butt in and reminded me that the safety of the world as we know it was at stake. So off to save the world it is. The cookies will have to wait.

One could get used to living here, though. Especially if their last home-away-from-home was mountain cave full of bats (that Nudge was convinced were going to fly in her hair. Wouldn't take her head out of Fang's backpack for an hour. You can imagine how he felt about that.). I even got to share a room with Ella while I was here. Likewise, Nudge bunked with Angel, Gazzy stayed with Iggy, and the Prince of Darkness and Solitude, Fang, slept alone. Total, meanwhile, shared the couch with Akila.

As usual, I was up before Ella, who would sleep through 'till noon if you let her. I got dressed and headed for the kitchen. Mom was already up and working on a pot of coffee. I said 'morning' to her, and then looked around the kitchen for Fang. He was always up before me. I used to joke that he must be part rooster because he was always up at the crack of dawn. He was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey. Where's Fang?" I asked Mom. "Have you seen him?"

"Nope." She answered. "Maybe he's pulling his little disappearing act again?"

I rolled my eyes. Ever since we'd got here, Fang had been 'practicing' his new power, staying perfectly still, usually around hallways or in empty rooms, until someone(usually me) walked by. Suddenly, he'd magically appear, scaring the feathers off of whomever it was that'd just innocently turned the corner. He was getting annoying.

"Well, if that's what's up, I'm sure he spring out of the woodwork." Literally. "Meanwhile, I'll get some toast started." It was the one thing I could cook almost successfully.

"I'll make eggs!" Iggy's voice came from the hall. He turned the corner. "Morning all."

"Morning." We both replied. Dr. Martinez headed over to the fridge.

"How about I make some orange juice?" She said, holding up a couple of oranges from the fridge.

"Sounds good to me." I replied.

"Sweet." Said Iggy, starting up the stove. Dr. Martinez got him a carton of eggs to start with. Our big mutant-majority family could go through a couple of those cartons, easy.

"Hey," Said Ig, "Fang not up yet?"

"I don't know, we think he might be pulling his Houdini act again." I answered.

"Hey, Fang!" Iggy called. "Just to let you know, there's a new house rule. Invisible people don't get fed!"

We laughed. "That should get him to stop." I said.

Suddenly, I smelt something burning. Uh-oh…

"The toast!" I yelled, diving toward the toaster.

"Oh, goody! Maximum's Special Charcoal Toast Recipe again!" Iggy laughed.

I repressed the urge to chuck the toaster at him, and settled for glaring menacingly in his direction, which, of course, did nothing.

I hate cooking.

Fang was on fire. He was surrounded by it. There were scientists aiming flamethrowers at him. Trees were on fire. The sky was bright red. There was a penguin staring at him. Wait, a penguin? Oh well. He tried to fly away, but then, a Flyboy grabbed him by his legs, yanking him down. He screamed and…

Shot straight up in bed, mouth open in a silent scream.

It was a good thing his scream had been silent, because he wasn't sure that his throat could've taken him actually screaming. It hurt badly enough that he wondered if he could talk. He tried. His voice sounded kind of cracked.

He flopped back on his pillow, trying to find a cold spot. His face felt hot. Strangely, though, the rest of him was freezing. He curled up under the blankets, wrapping his wings around himself. He started thinking back on his dream.

"I guess I get what all the fire was about." He thought, burrowing his face into a different cold spot on the pillow. "But the penguin? What the heck! Whatever. I wonder what's up with me, anyway?"

H never really considered that he might be sick. He was always the healthiest one of the Flock, usually the only one not to catch whatever bug the others did.

He rolled over, looking for the next cool place on his pillow, and went back to sleep. He was dead tired and figured he'd figure it out in the morning. Heck, he even thought it might all be gone by morning. Just a freak illness or something. Maybe he was dreaming it. He felt kind of out of it anyway, like he was half-asleep or something. "Yeah." He convinced himself as he drifted off. "It'll all be gone by morning."

If any of this sounds downright weird to you, like, for instance, the whole penguin thing, just remember this; I wrote this whole chapter while on cold meds. I'm not responsible for anything I say or do while on meds.

By the way, the penguin has a name. It's Pooky. Don't ask. I had to add that for my friend, Andrew. 

2. Chapter 2:His Majesty Slumbers

Let's try for Ch. 2, shall we? This is totally different from my other fanfic, MangaFlock, so any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. I used to writing comedy type stuff, so this is a new field for me. Then again, knowing me, it could turn into a comedy! Who knows?

Well, anyways, on with the story, since no one what's to hear me blab for an hour, anyway.

Ok, it was 10:00 am, and still no Fang. Even Nudge was up by now, for crying out loud! This was getting ridiculous.

"You know, I think if he was playing his little Houdini game, he would have scared someone by now." Iggy said.

"You don't think he's still sleeping, do you?" It was so unlike Fang to sleep in late. It was like he had some kind of crazy internal alarm clock set for 5:00 a.m.

"Maybe he stayed up late on his blog?" Nudge guessed, then laughed with the other kids as Wile E Coyote, once again, fell off an impossibly high cliff. The younger kids had started a morning ritual of eating while watching cartoons on Sundays, from which Gazzy had learned how to do an exact imitation of the Roadrunner's 'Beep Beep!' Just when I thought that 8-year-old sense of humor couldn't get any more annoying…

"Yeah." answered Iggy. "Or maybe he's still on there. Ever since more and more kids started replying to his blog, he's been staying on it longer. I think he's determined to read every comment."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, he must not upset his devout followers."

Iggy laughed. "Always said he was 'Most Likely to Become a Cult Leader' in the Flock."

I laughed. "Well, I think it's about time His Majesty the Prince of Darkness and Cult Leader came out to greet his loyal subjects." I said, getting up. "I'll go rouse him from his royal throne."

Iggy chuckled. "Yeah, give him a boot in his royal ass for me, will ya?"

"Will do, Ig."

Fang's room was pitch black. You almost needed to bring a flashlight with you just to find the light switch. And he had the curtains drawn, of course. Would it kill him to have a bit of sunshine once in a while?

I gave up my futile search for the light switch, and made my way over to his bed. He was actually still asleep, I was surprised to find. Maybe he had stayed up all night? I put my hand on his shoulder and gave him a little shake. "Hey, lazy, it's 10:15, up and at 'em!"

He gave a kind of moan/grunt, but didn't really wake up. He also felt warmer than normal. I started to wonder if he was having one of those hot flashes. I shook him again, harder.

"Hey, Fang, you ok? Come on, wake up."

He rolled over, and that's when I noticed that he was sweating a bit. Now, I was worried. I reached over and switched on the bedside lamp.

He was sweating and looked kinda pale. Well, paler than normal for him. I reached over and touched his face. It was pretty warm. That's when he finally woke up.

His eyes slowly blinked open, adjusting to the sudden light. At first, he looked kind of out of it, then, seemed to realize where he was and what was going on. He pushed my hand away from him, trying to sit up.

"Max? What are you doing in here?" His voice sounded weird, like it hurt him to speak or something. "Do you always walk into people's rooms at night and start touching there face?"

"Fang, it's after 10:00 a.m."

His eyes widened. "Really? Wow, I've never slept that late before. Thanks for getting me up." He started to get up, but I grabbed his arm. That felt warm, too.

"Hey, Fang, are you feeling alright?"

He raised an eyebrow at me. "What do you mean?"

"Don't you feel, like, hot or anything?"

"Uh, no." He answered. "Actually, it's kinda cold in here. Do you guys have windows open or something?"

"Fang, it's the middle of August. It's hot out."

"Well, it's cold in here! I'm gonna go turn the heat up or something. You can let go now, Max." He pulled his arm away from me and started to get up, only to stop and lean back, one hand to his head.

"Hey, Fang, you alright?" He was really starting to worry me.

"I just got kind of, I don't know, dizzy or something." He laid back down, hand still on his head. "Maybe I'll just lay here for a while and-" He was cut off by his own coughing. When he caught his breath, his hand moved down to his throat, rubbing it, like it hurt.

This led me to one conclusion. "You're sick."

"I am not!" His voice sounded worse. "I almost never get sick!"

"Then what the heck is wrong with you?" I asked, crossing my arms.

He looked at me, opening his mouth to answer, and started coughing again.

I smiled. "Exactly. I'll go get mom."

Remember, Fang, you almost never get sick. Poor kid.

Ok, seriously, how many of you Fanggirls have ever had the fantasy where Fang gets sick so you nurse him back to health, then he falls in love with you and you live happily ever after? I know I have. Where do you think I got the fanfic idea?

Wow, I really hope someone else had that fantasy, or I'm gonna feel like an idiot.

3. Chapter 3:You're Sick, So Deal With It!

Ch. 3. Because Chapters 1 & 2 just weren't good enough yet. 

"So, from what I can tell, you have the flu." Dr. Martinez said. She looked over at Fang. "Oh stop pouting! It's not a very becoming look for you."

Fang was propped up on a couple pillows, arms crossed, glaring, with a thermometer in his mouth. It was quite a look for him. I stifled back a laugh.

He began to mutter something, but Mom put up her hand. "10 more seconds 'till that thermometer comes out. Then you can talk."

He rolled his eyes and continued his pouting glare for ten more seconds. As soon as that thermometer was out, however, he started in.

"This is stupid! I'm probably fine. I feel like an idiot! Or at least a circus freak! Does the entire freaking world have to be in here?"

When I went out to tell Mom that Fang was sick, the Flock had heard and insisted on coming in to see him. They were all standing around, watching. Well, in Iggy's case, listening.

"Ok guys, you heard his majesty." I said. "Outta here."

The Flock grumbled a bit, but filed out.

"Alright." Fang started again. "How long am I going to have to lie here like a freaking invalid?"

Mom thought for a moment. "The flu can last up to a week or two."

"So that would be, what? Three days for us?" He looked at me.

"A week or two Fang."

"Alright, 3 to 6 days. I'll deal."

"I'd say 6." Mom said. "I looks like you've got it pretty bad. By the way, you might want to cut your talking down to a bare minimum. Your voice already sounds rough."

"Oh, like that's a problem for Mr. Tall, Dark, and Silent over here." I laughed. "Though you could cut down on the complaining a bit."

"What complaining?!" he said. "What did I do?"

Mom and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. "Typical male answer." Mom said.

"Ummm, what about that whole, 'This is stupid! I'm probably fine. I feel like an idiot!' thing?" I asked.

He just glared at me. Typical.

"Why don't you just get some rest?" Mom said. She started trying to pull the blankets over him, but caught him glaring at her.

"Alright, Mr. Attitude, do it yourself. I'd suggest you shape up and get used to lying around and having people help you out, though. Maybe this'll be a good learning experience for you."

He continued glaring. She rolled her eyes.

"Sweet dreams, Fang." She motioned for me to follow.

"Feel better, Fang." I started to follow Mom out of the room.

Mom leaned over to me as we walked out and whispered, "Three, two, one…"

"Uh, guys?" said Fang. He'd dropped the glare. "Can I, uh, get something to eat? I'm, well, kinda hungry."

Mom turned around, smiling. "Chicken Noodle soup sound ok to you?"

"Sure. And, uh, thanks." He added.

"Anytime, Fang." She motioned for me to follow again, and we left, closing the door.

"That boy'll learn some manners if it kills me." She said.

I laughed, then added, "Fang does have manners, he's just not used to the whole, 'being waited on' thing."

"He does love to pull his whole 'macho man' act." She agreed. "Well, let's get his machoness his chicken soup before he starts up his whining again."

We both laughed as we entered the kitchen. Iggy was at the counter, making a sandwich. "What's so funny?"

"Oh, nothing Ig." I said. "Hey, do you think you could get some chicken noodle soup for Fang. The Prince is starving."

Iggy smiled. "Can do. One royal chicken noodle coming right up." He started to reach up into the cupboard. "How long's he out for, anyway?"

"About 6 days." I answered.

Iggy stopped in mid-reach. "Are you serious?"

Mom and I nodded.

"I'm outta here!

"What do you mean, Iggy?" I asked.

"Fang + the flu A total loss of all of our sanity by the end of the week. He's in a bad enough mood already. I'm checking into the nearest hotel and you can call me when he's back to normal." Iggy started toward the hall to go to his room. Mom stopped him with her arm, laughing.

"You'll do no such thing." She said. "If we have to tough it out, then so do you. Besides, we're going to need your cooking expertise to keep the Prince fed and happy."

"Alright, alright, I'll stay. But you all owe me one. Fnick's gonna owe me one, too, for feeding him. I'll get to work on his soup."

Mom smiled. "And I'm heading to the store to get stocked up on cough meds. Maybe some Nyquil, too. Coming along, Max?"

"Sure." I answered. Then Iggy cut in.

"Hold on. I've got a grocery list."

We rolled our eyes. As soon as we came to stay with Mom, Iggy had taken over the kitchen. If we were low on anything, Ig was the first to know. He also had developed a habit of making excessively long grocery lists.

"Ok, I just had to add ingredients for chicken soup on here. I'll give Fang the stuff from the can for now, but if that's what he's living off of, I'm gonna make some homemade. Actually, just get ingredients for a bunch of different soups. I'm sure he won't just want one kind. Got it?"

"Yep." Mom said. She grabbed my arm and hurried toward the door. "Quick, before he realizes he forgot something!" She whispered. We both laughed, hurrying out to the car.

That chapter took me forever! My arm hurts from typing! Ouch. I hope it came out ok. R&R please! 

4. Chapter 4:The Evils of Campbell's Soup

Welcome to Chapter 4! Thank you for staying with me this far. Alright, well let's get on with it. Iggy, you're up!

Iggy's POV

Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. How cliché. You see it on TV all the time. Kid gets sick; parent gives them Campbell's Chicken Noodle. Kid wants a fun meal? Give them Campbell's Tomato. Didn't parents ever make their kids food anymore, or do they really just microwave everything now? I bet most of them don't even know how to cook anymore.

Yeah, so I have some kind of on-going battle with Campbell's soup. Well, not just Campbell's. Don't like Progresso either. Are there any other brands? If there are, I hate them, too. I'm more of a 'go get the ingredients and do it yourself' kinda guy. Plus, have you ever really heard the sound most of these canned foods make when they come out? That 'sploosh' sound? Uck.

But I ignored the inferiority of Campbell's finest and microwaved it up for Prince Fnick. While I waited for it to heat up, I got curious and decided to check just what was in Campbell's Chicken Noodle that had made it so famous. I called for Gazzy.

"Hey, Gaz!"

"What?" He said, coming into the kitchen.

"Read me the ingredients on the can for me, will ya?"


After having to sound out some words to figure them out and just guess at others, the ingredients read as follows:

Chicken stock, enriched egg noodles (wheat flour, egg solids, niacin, ferrous sulfate, thiamine, mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), cooked chicken meat, water, contains less than 2 of the following ingredients: salt, chicken fat, cooked mechanically separated chicken, monosodium glutamate, cornstarch, onion powder, modified food starch, yeast extract, spice extract, soy protein isolate, sodium phosphates, beta carotene for color, chicken flavor (contains chicken stock, chicken powder, chicken fat), flavoring, dehydrated garlic.

Mix 1 can soup + 1 can water. Heat, stir, and serve.

"Thanks Gaz."

"You're weird sometimes, Ig." He left.

Well, I'd already screwed up the directions. Who follows those, anyway? Ok, question. What the heck is ferrous sulfate? Or mononitrate? What about monosodium glutamate? And how do they exactly 'mechanically separate' the chicken? See, make your own food at home people. At least you know what's in it.

The microwave beeped so I opened the microwave and went to grab the soup. After burning my hand on the bowl, I gave it 5 minutes to cool and tried again. I put the bowl on a tray and brought it down the hall to Fang's room.

"Room service!" I called, and opened the door.

"Your bowl of ferrous sulfate, mononitrate, monosodium glutamate, and mechanically separated chicken, Your Majesty!" I placed the tray in front of him and bowed.

"Been having Gazzy read you the ingredients labels again?" Fang asked. "Thanks for the soup, Ig." He added. "I'm sure it was just torture for you to make."

"Of course! I had to listen to the 'sploosh' sound!" I laughed. "That stuff really is disgusting, though. I don't even know what half the ingredients are."

"Well, I think I'll take my chances." Said Fang. "People have been eating it for years, and no one's died yet."

"Yet." I answered. "Besides, people could've died and they're just covering it up. Maybe one of those ingredients is another name for arsenic."

Silence for a second, then, "I'm rolling my eyes, Ig." Sometimes it's annoying waiting for people to remember you're blind and tell you what's going on.

"Seriously, Iggy, and people say I'm paranoid." He gave a hoarse-sounding laugh.

"It's a good thing Max and Dr. Martinez went to get you some meds." I said. "Your voice sounds pretty bad."

"Good thing I don't use it much, then." Fang answered.

"At least your mood has improved. Does that mean I can stop calling you 'Your Majesty'?"

Another hoarse laugh. "No but I'll promote you to Knight of the Kitchen Table."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, goody! Just what I always wanted. A royal title from Prince Fnick himself." I was suddenly whacked in the head with a large pillow.

"Officer down!" I cried, pretending to fall to the floor. We were both laughing by now. I got up.

"So, feeling better yet, Fnick?" I smiled. "I know you must still be sick. You're actually laughing."

"Yeah, blame it on the fever." Fang said.

I laughed. Then, I had a thought.

"Hey, Fang?"

"Yeah, Ig?"

"Since you're a human-avian hybrid, does that mean you have the avian bird flu?"

He laughed a bit. "Yeah, I guess. Hey, maybe I can featured on 'Good Morning America' or something."

I smiled, rolling my eyes. "Always on a quest for fame, huh? Hey, just remember your 'People Magazine' experience."

"Right." Said Fang.

Just then, there was yelling from down the hall.

"Hey, Ig! We need some help with the blender thingy!" That's when I heard the sound of the blender starting up, followed by the screams of 4 kids and Total, plus Akila's barking.

Oh crap.

"Good luck, Ig!" Fang called as I raced out of the room. I just gave him a thumb's up.

It's a good thing I'm blind, 'cause I didn't even want to see that mess.

A couple notes:

1. We're gonna pretend Jeb's on some official business, which is why he's absent from the story.

2. I know the Martinez's have a dog, but I couldn't remember her name nor could I look it up at the time. We'll pretend she was outside during this whole blender business and add her in later.

3. In case you got the feeling, no, this is NOT Figgy. They're just good friends or brothers or whatever. If it was Figgy, I would have said at the start. I don't think anyone will get that feeling, but you never know.

4. Does anybody seriously know what some of those things from the ingredients of Campbell's Soup are? I'm going organic after this.

R&R? Please? Por Favor? (Yes, I do Spanish now, too!)

5. Chapter 5: How Fang's Feeling

I would like to thank dimistar546 for the Martinez's dog's name, Magnolia. I would've forgotten to look it up.

And I, of course, thank all the other reviewers for their most-appreciated reviews and ask that they keep 'em coming! Thank you!


We had just gotten home after shopping for 4 different kinds of medicine, the ingredients for 3 different kinds of soups, and various other groceries. I looked at mom tiredly.

"I could just lie down and take a nap." I yawned.

Mom smiled. "Yes, shopping can take a lot out of a person, especially when they fight with two people over the last bunch of bananas, pick a fight with the manager, and accuse a poor shelf-stocking boy of being an agent for the school."

I smiled back. What can I say, I'm just not quite used to civilian life.

We got out of the car and grabbed a couple bags from the trunk. "How about we take these couple of bags in and get the others to drag in the rest?" Mom asked.

"Sounds good to me." We walked up to the house. While mom was shifting her groceries over so she could get the door, I heard voices coming from the kitchen. It sounded like just about everyone was in there. Had Iggy made snacks or something?

Mom finally got the door opened. We walked in, turned toward the kitchen and…

"What did you guys do? Set off a bomb or something?!"

The entire kitchen was covered in pink goop, as were all of the kids, minus Iggy, who was standing in the middle of it, arms folded.

"Worse. They started up the blender." Iggy said.

I looked toward the counter and saw the blender with no cover on it, covered in pink goop. It looked like there were still some crushed, up strawberries inside.

"So, I have the feeling that since every time I take a step, I almost slip on smoothie that it must be pretty bad, huh?" Iggy asked.

"Iggy, may I ask what they were all doing, trying to make smoothies in my kitchen?" Dr. Martinez asked. She didn't sound too pleased.

"Beats me." Iggy answered. "I had just gone to give Fang his mechanically-separated chicken soup, when I hear the blender go off down here.

Obviously, Iggy had been having Gazzy read him the soup can labels again, but I decided to point that out later. I turned to the kids. "So, guys, what were you doing out here with the blender?"

Automatically, the Blame Game started.

"It was all Gazzy's idea!"

"Was not! Nudge thought of it first!"

"Well, Ella brought it up!"

"Well, Angel said we probably could!"

"Total begged me to!"

"I can't even use a blender!"

"Alright!" Mom yelled, grabbing all their attention. Then, in a calmer voice, she said, "I don't care whose fault it is, I just want it cleaned up. Now all of you worked together to make this mess, so all of you are going to clean it. Clear?"

"Clear." Grumbled the kids.

"Now let's get to it. Iggy and I will need the kitchen by tonight to make dinner." She turned to Iggy. "Ig, do you think you could help us bring the groceries in?"

"Sure." Iggy answered. "I need to get out of here and clear the strawberry-banana smell out of my nose, anyway."

"Hey, mom? I'm gonna go check on Fang, ok?" I asked.

She nodded. "Sure, Max."


Fang POV

I was actually glad for once to be stuck in bed. From the sound of it down the hall, not only was there a big mess down there, but Dr. Martinez wasn't too happy about it, either. Best to avoid her if she was angry. She was Max's mom, after all, and Max had to get it from somewhere.

Speaking of Max…

"Hey, Fang, how's it going?" She came in, carrying a Wal-Mart bag. Presents for me? Doubtful.

"I'm alright." I answered. "I doubt you're in here just to ask that, though. What's the bag for, suffocating me in my sleep?"

Max smiled. "No, but good idea, though. It's got your meds. in it.

"Oh joyous happiness of contentment." I said. "None of it better be cherry flavor."

"Does his Majesty have a flavor request?" Max said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, roasted squirrel flavor."

She shook her head. "Sometimes you're weird, you know that?"

I shrugged. "Blame it on the fever."

She began pulling different things out of the bag. "Ok, your cough meds. are grape flavor, so that's a plus, since I don't think they sell it in roasted squirrel." She smiled again. "These are pills, so they don't have flavor, and this is, umm…" She pulled out a stalk of celery.

"The magical cure for the flu! Celery!" I said.

She laughed. "Close, it's an ingredient for one of Iggy's soups."

"One of his soups?"

"He wanted to give you some variety."

I shook my head. "Great, I don't even have that much of an appetite, too."

Max sat down on the bed next to me and put a hand on my forehead. Man, I was sick of people touching my head! My face felt pretty warm right then. I was surprised I wasn't burning her hand. "With our metabolism, it's not good for you to be lacking an appetite. Did you eat any of the soup he made you?"

"You mean my Mechanically-Separated Chicken Noodle? I ate about half." I pointed over to the bowl on my bedside table. "I'll eat the rest in a bit."

"You know, I'm thinking we should start ripping the labels off the soup cans before Iggy can have Gazzy read them to him." She said.

"Yeah, he told me today he thought one of those ingredients might be another name for arsenic."

She raised her eyebrows. "Arsenic?"

I just shrugged.

"And I thought you were paranoid, Fang."

We both laughed. Max was still sitting next to me on the bed. I was hoping she would stay there. I was still kind of chilly and she was so warm just to sit next to. I thought about getting just a little bit closer. Ya know, for warmth, right? Of course, with my luck, she'd leave as soon as I moved. She had this tendency to do that. Move. Fly away. Leave me standing there like an idiot. Yet, I kept setting myself up for it, didn't I? Yep, I'd never learn.

But, I was really thinking about giving it a shot, anyway. I was cold and sick and she was warm. Maybe she'd let me closer, just 'cause I was sick, ya know? She'd feel sorry for me or something, right? I was really thinking about it until…

"Magnolia! Akila! Down!"

Magnolia and Akila, the two normal dogs, supposedly 'Man's Best Friend' jumped up on the bed and commenced to give Max and I a doggy tongue bath.

"Oh, ick! Get off, girls! Come on, Fang's sick. He doesn't need this!" Max said, trying to push Akila off of me while, at the same time, trying to hold a squirming Magnolia away from her face.

"Ladies, please!" Said Total, coming into the room. "This is not part of my lesson!"

Max looked around Magnolia at Total. "What lesson?"

"My etiquette lesson, of course!" Total said. Oh, God.

Max finally pushed the two dogs off the bed. "Etiquette lesson?"

"Why, yes!" Answered Total. "I think it's about time they learned a bit about the finer things in life. Maybe then they would realize their typical canine ways aren't the true way to go and maybe follow a different path in life."

Max and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. Typical Total.

"Whatever. It's their chow time, anyway, so how about we put their, uh, etiquette lesson on hold?"

Akila and Magnolia ran out of the room at the word 'chow' tails wagging behind them. Total ran out after them, yelling, "Now remember, ladies, we are refined creatures, not wild coyotes! We must remember to eat neatly! And please, stop running!"

Max and I laughed. "Wish Total luck for me." I said. "He's gonna need it."

She nodded, still laughing. "Will do. I'm gonna go take care of the dogs and see how the clean-up job is going in the kitchen. I'll come check on you in a bit, ok?"

"Yep, I'll be right here."

She smiled. "Alright, rest up! And just call if you need anything."

"Got it." I said as she walked out of the room. "Yeah."

Dog's are man's best friend? You know what? Man's best friend can bite me.

Was that what I think it was? Was that almost…..FAX??


R&R please!!

6. Chapter 6: Delirium

Chapter 6. I hope this one goes ok. I'm kinda winging it, since I'm not sure exactly what to write about. Here goes nothing…

Fang's POV

My first full night with the flu. Oh, joy. The Flock had been in about an hour ago to wish me good night, sweet dreams, and all that crap. Dr. Martinez even tried to tuck me in. Oh, the inhumanity! Alright, so it wasn't that bad, but don't tell her I said that.

Max had started to make a fuss over the fact that I hadn't finished my first bowl of soup until Dr. Martinez told her I probably wouldn't have an appetite for a while. I'd just have to make up for the lack of food later. Iggy started making jokes that the Prince probably wouldn't want to eat splooshy, mechanically-separated chicken noodle, anyway, which lead to Angel asking what 'splooshy' meant. Iggy started going into a long, drawn-out explanation, when Dr. Martinez said to tell everyone tomorrow, since it was time for bed. "Besides," she said, "Fang's probably tired and needs his rest. Right, Fang?"

I just nodded. Yes, I was tired. Yes, I probably needed rest. But could I actually get to sleep? No.

I just laid there, wide awake, staring at the ceiling. It seemed like every little noise was keeping me up. The TV, the dogs walking on the floor outside my room, the little owl outside. It was maddening! Not to mention the hot flash things. I was beginning to wonder if I was just menopausal or something. One minute, I would be burning up so bad that I had to throw my blankets off, and the next, I'd be scrambling to pull the blankets back on to stay warm.

I heard the owl outside my window screech again. Stupid owl. Didn't it have anything better to do? Didn't it have, like, a little owl family to go home to or something? I thought about that. That little owl flying off to some hollow tree somewhere where there were to little baby owls waiting for him. Then why didn't he go? Oh, probably because he had an owl wife who henpecked (or owlpecked?) him. Or maybe his mother-in-owl lived with them. I wondered if the owls knew that penguin that was in my dream. Did my penguin have a name? What would you name a penguin, anyway? Pooky? I guess that would be a good penguin name, right?

I shook my head and nearly slapped myself. What the heck was I thinking about? That was the other thing that was keeping me awake. Delirium. My fever was just high enough to make me think random thoughts. I was even seeing things at one point today. I had been half asleep and thought that damn penguin had walked into the room. It was a good thing I came to my senses. I almost called Max in to catch my damn penguin. Why the hell was I dreaming about penguins, anyway?

I curled up in my blankets and tried to just shake it all off and go to sleep. Dr. Martinez had offered to give me some sleeping meds, but I had said no, thinking I'd be just fine. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

I thought about those meds. They were right across the hall in the bathroom cupboard, right? I could just get up and get them. It would be simple. Get up slowly. Steady myself on the bed 'till I was ok on my own, and walk over and grab the meds. Simple.

And now you're all thinking, "Fang, why don't you just call for someone to get them for you? Dr. Martinez is still up watching TV, right?" Well, you know what? You people are absolutely right. But for some reason, I didn't think of that. Delirium, remember?

It took me about half an hour, but I finally pulled myself out of bed. I steadied myself on the bed, but I still felt pretty dizzy. But did it ever occur to me to just lie back down and wait for the dizziness to pass? Wait for it….No. I, in my brilliantly delirious state decided to just try to walk over there anyway.

I made it to the door. Scratch that, I ran into the door is more like it. I opened the door and stumbled into the bathroom door across the hall. I was gonna have some major doorknob-shaped bruises after this.

I got in, got to the cupboard, and started searching through it. It didn't help that the world started spinning, making it hard to read the labels on the medicine bottles. I finally made the smartest choice I'd made all night and took a seat on the rim of the bathtub. The dizziness started to abate a bit, but now my stomach felt weird instead. Queasy and stuff. The meaning of this, of course, didn't exactly occur to me at first. I didn't really understand a lot of things tonight. But I figured it out soon enough.

Max's POV

Don't you hate it when you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and it's occupied? Annoying, huh? Now, how about you get up to find your bathroom occupied by a very sick birdkid? Can you say, 'Oh, crap'?

He was resting his head on the edge to the toilet. I knelt down and rubbed his back. He looked both tired and totally out of it. He looked ready to fall asleep right here with the toilet seat for a pillow.

"Hey, Fang? What are you doing out of bed? Did you feel, ya know, sick or something?"

He shook his head. "No. Couldn't sleep. Stupid owl. Wanted to get sleep meds."

Stupid owl? Ok… "You should have called for Mom. She would've gotten them for you. How long have you been in here?"

He just shrugged.

"Alright, how about I get you your meds. and help you back to bed?" I didn't wait for an answer. I went through the medicine cabinet until I found the right bottle, stuck it in my pocket, and started to help Fang up.

I waited around 'till Fang actually fell asleep. I had gotten him back in bed and gotten him some water to take the pills with. After he'd taken them, he lay there, half asleep, kinda mumbling about something incoherently. I thought I'd caught the phrases 'mother-in-owl' and 'Pooky', but I wasn't sure. Plus, I had no idea what these could mean in the first place. I just pretended to understand and nodded once in a while.

I sat next to him on the bed and watched him sleep. He looked so different when he was sleeping. Not so protected and tense. He wasn't jumping at every noise, looking over his shoulder for Erasers. He was just sleeping. It was the only time he ever looked peaceful.

I stroked his hair back. It was sweaty from both his fever and the stress from his little trip across the hall. I saw him shiver a bit. He was always shivering because of that stupid fever. I pulled his blankets tighter around him, but he didn't look any bit warmer. I lay down next to him, thinking maybe I could use my own body heat to warm him up. I felt his forehead for the millionth time today. Still burning up.

I sighed. "What the heck are we gonna do with you, Fang?"

I curled up next to him under the blankets. He felt so warm, yet he still shivered every once in a while. I figured I'd just stay there 'till the shivering stopped.

Of course, sometimes plans like that just don't go through. I fell asleep next to Fang.

Ok, say it with me: Awwwwww…..

Mother-in-Owl. Ha ha.

Hmmm…. Pooky's becoming quite the celebrity.

Oh, and Shift-Wing? I'm trying to get into some Fax here for ya so you can get some sleep at night. Your drug is coming! And the 'sploosh' sound is pretty funny. Btw, no I've never tried Chick-fil-a's Chicken Noodle. I'll make note of that.

Ok, if anyone's got any ideas on what should happen next, please tell me. I'm getting slight writer's block. I'm thinking Fax. I'd also like to either get Iggy's POV back or have a new person's POV. So, ideas, people! Please?

And R&R, of course.

7. Chapter 7: It Was The Fever Talking!

I must thank all of my faithful reviewers for their wonderful suggestions on this fic. Thank you!! -gives cookies and coffee-

Yes, I am planning on turning this into a Fax (or Mang) related fanfiction.

Ch. 7, here we come!

Angel's POV

I started to giggle, but quickly stopped myself. I had come to check on Fang, and found him and Max sleeping in Fang's bed. I thought they looked pretty cute together, just sleeping. Of course, I'm sure Max wouldn't be so cute when she wakes up and finds out where she's been sleeping all night. She'd probably be really mad.

I snuck out of the room as quietly as I could. I was going to just go to the kitchen to get something to eat, when I had an idea. An idea that might get Max really really mad, but I bet the rest of the Flock would find it pretty funny.

I went into Iggy and Gazzy's room and shook Iggy awake.

"Hey, Angel." He said, sleepily. "What's up? You hungry?"

"I was, but then I saw something that I really really want to tell you about."

Iggy sat up. "What is it, Ang?"

"Max and Fang."

Iggy's POV

Was this a good idea? Probably not. Was Max gonna be pissed off? Definetly. Was this kind of mean, in a way? Yep. Was I gonna do it anyway? You bet.

I put my finger to my lips to get the others to be quiet, then slowly and silently, we snuck into Fang's room.

There they were. Max and Fang sleeping peacefully on Fang's bed. Peacefully, that is, until the flash of Ella's camera woke them up.

"What the-?" Then she saw us.

"What are you guys doing?"

"Taking pictures?" I said, trying to hold back laughter.

"And why is that?" She asked, sounding annoyed.

"Well, uh-" I started, but I couldn't hold it anymore. I burst out laughing, followed by the rest of the Flock and Ella.

"What are you all-" Max started. That's when she must've noticed the sleepy-looking Fang to her right.

"What are you doing here?!" She exclaimed.

"What do you mean, 'what am I doing here'? This is my bed!"


This little conversation did nothing to stop our laughter. If anything, it got worse. Heck, we were still laughing even after Max jumped out of bed and threw us out of the room, tackling me in the process.

Digital Camera: 34 Dollars

Ice Pack Needed After the Max-Tackling: 5 Dollars

Getting a Picture of Max and Fang in Bed: Priceless

Some things money can't buy…

Oh, crap! I'm blind! I can't see the picture! Why didn't I think of that?

I feel stupid.

Fang's POV

Number 1 thing on my list of things to do when I'm well: Kill Iggy. Possibly Ella. Ok, get anyone involved in that little picture incident and get revenge. Or, at least, burn the damn pictures.

At least I knew that Max had probably taken care of it. I thought she might break one or two of Iggy's bones when she tackled him.

I don't even know why Iggy was so excited about getting a picture of us, anyway. He's blind for crying out loud! Did he forget or something. Whatever.

I kind of wished Iggy would come in right now so I could ask him. Heck, so I'd have someone to talk to! Yes, shocker of shockers, Fang, the emo loner, wanted someone to talk to. I was bored! Max, Ella, Nudge, and Dr. Martinez had gone out shopping. Ella needed some new clothes and Nudge was more than willing to help with that. Dr. Martinez had asked Max to come along to. Probably for someone to talk to, since God knows Nudge isn't gonna let her get two words in. Angel was playing with the dogs outside, and Gazzy and Iggy were outside too, probably trying to find the next thing they could blow up.

I was just about ready to start smacking my head off the wall out of boredom, when I heard the door open and Dr. Martinez say something down the hall. And, a few minutes later, my door opened and Max came in and flopped, face-first, onto my bed.

I sat up. "Hey, Max. What's up? Something wrong?"

"I hate you right now."

She hates me? What? "What did I do?!"

She mumbled something into the pillow.

"Ummmm…say that again?"

She pulled herself up. "You got me sick! You and your stupid flu germs got me sick!"

Oh. So that was it. Looking at her now, she did look kind of pale. "Well, I and my germs apologize, but it's not like we were trying or anything."

"If you hadn't stumbled out of bed last night, I wouldn't have gotten sick!"

"Uh, Max, it's more like, if you hadn't fallen asleep in my bed you probably wouldn't have gotten sick! Remember that?"

She glared at me for about a minute, probably trying to think of a good comeback. "Fine then, it's Iggy's fault."

I just looked at her. "Why is it Iggy's fault?"

"I don't know! It's just fun to blame Iggy!"

I laughed and shook my head. "Nah, it's Pooky's fault."

She gave me a weird look. "Who's Pooky?"

I smiled. "You wouldn't understand."

"Ok…"We sat there in silence for a little while. I started feeling kind of tired. I closed my eyes and laid back. I didn't really want to fall asleep with Max there, but I couldn't really help it. I was kind of half-asleep when she started talking.

"I started feeling all sick when we were in the store. I nearly fell asleep on the way home."

I just nodded. "Uh-huh."

"I caught a glimpse of myself in the car mirror on the way in. Like I didn't look like crap enough lately, now I look like death."

"No you don't. You look beautiful."


Ok, that woke me up. Why did I just say that? Stupid fever! Stupid delirium!

I pulled myself back up. "Well, uh, what I mean, is, uh, well, I was trying to say, uh, umm-"

She put her hand gently over my mouth to stop me from rambling on like an idiot. Then, she smiled.

"Thanks, Fang."

We heard Dr. Martinez call Max from down the hall. She moved her hand and slowly got up from the bed.

"Hey, take a nap while I'm gone, ok."

"You're welcome." I said as she walked out.

Ok, my face is feeling all hot because of the fever. It's totally the fever. Yeah, and all the other weird feelings I'm getting are just because I'm sick. Totally. Why the hell did I keep saying 'totally'?

I lay back down, but I really doubted if I was gonna be able to take that nap.

So….how'd I do?

R&R pretty, pretty please??

BTW, man is it hard to write in Iggy's POV sometimes! I keep forgetting he's blind and I have to re-write his POV to fix it! Grrrr...

8. Chapter 8: Lovesick?

Ch. 8! I'm sick again, so, once again, I am not responsible for my actions when on meds. Thank you.


"Oh, look, Max, your's and Fang's fevers match." Mom smiled.

I just rolled my eyes. "Yeah, cute, whatever."

Mom sat down on the bed next to me. "Alright, Max, when you came in here after you were in Fang's room, your cheeks were all red, and not because of the fever. That, coupled with this morning's craziness leads me to believe something's up, and, as your Mother, I think I have a right to know."

"Well, there's nothing up. And that's it."


"There's nothing up!"


"The only thing up around here is the ceiling, ok?"


"Alright, God, you can be worse than Ella!"

Mom's smile widened. "Well, where do you think she got it from?"

I rolled my eyes again. "Alright, so maybe there's something going on"

"Ooh, do tell!"

"It's not that much, really. He just, well, called me beautiful."

"Well, well!"

"Well, it was probably his fever talking, anyway. Yeah, that's probably it."

"Or, he really does think you're beautiful."

I let out a short laugh. "Yes, 'cause Fang's just the type to go running around proclaiming my beauty to all the land. The most he usually says about me is how bad of a driver I am, or how my cooking sucks."

Mom smiled again. "Alright, maybe it was the fever. But, you know, fevers have a tendency of making you tell people things you would normally keep to yourself."

"Whatever you say, Mom."

"Alright, deny it all you want, but if you ask me, Fang doesn't just have the flu. I think he's lovesick, too."

"Oh, yuck, Mom."

She laughed. "Get some rest, Max." She left the room.

I lay back on my bed, thinking. Fang, lovesick?

Ha, ha, as if. Fang just didn't give off the lovesick Romeo vibe.

Then again, Fang didn't really give off any vibe. He kept all of his feelings bottled up where no one could get to them. For all I know, Fang could be harboring some mushy little feelings for me, and I'd never know it. Never know it, that is, until he deliriously opened his mouth and blurted out how beautiful I was. And now that I thought back on it, there was the time in the cave and at the beach…

No, no, no! There was just no way Fang could feel so, well, I don't know! And how did I feel about this, anyway? A little bit awkward, to start off. He was like my brother, right?

But, then again, when he called me beautiful, it made me feel, well, all kinds of warm, fuzzy feelings. It made me feel….beautiful.

Ok, ick. Enough of this mushy-gushy stuff. I gotta drop this. Whether I would want him to or not (which I don't, by the way), the chance of Fang having any feelings for me is about the same as the chances of a Hobbit Named Spiffy taking over Canada, so I might as well forget about it.

Wait, a Hobbit Named Spiffy? Man, I must be freaking delirious.

I curled up under my blankets, starting to fall asleep. I decided right then that I was gonna stop thinking about it. The chances of me and Fang, well, together, were slim to none and that was that. But, no matter how much I said I would drop it, there was one thought that wouldn't leave my mind:

He called me beautiful.

Another 'Ahhhh...' Moment here!


Claimer!!: The Hobbit Named Spiffy is mine! All mine!! And he and I will someday take over Canada, rename it Canadia, and rule the world!! Mwahahahaha!!

9. Chapter 9: Iggy in Hell

Two chapters in one day? I must be feeling creative! Or bored. Must be bored, I'm stuck home today.

Iggy's POV

So, Dr. Martinez went off to work and left me in charge of the two invalids. Easy, right?

"Hey, Iggy, could I have some more soup?"

"Yo, Ig, it's freaking cold in here. Could you come shut this window?"

"Iggy? I need another pillow, please."

"Ig, could I have a Tylenol or something? Headache."

"Iggy, could I have some crackers with this soup?"

"Hey, Ig, I'm too warm again. Could you open the window back up?"

"Iggy, I need another blanket."

"Ig! How the hell did Magnolia get in my room? Get her out, she's licking me! Uck!"

"Iggy, can I have something to drink, too?"

"Ig! I want something to eat, too!"

"Iggy, do you think I could have some ice cream? It'd help my throat."

"Iggy! It's freezing in here! Close the window!"

"Ah, crud, Ig, I don't feel so great…"

"Hey, I'll eat Max's food if she's gonna be all sick and stuff."


"Yo, when you're done in there, I could use the window opened again."

"Hey, Iggy? Could you let Magnolia in here? She might make me feel better."

"Iggy! Don't you dare let that dog back in!"

"Iggy, I want her! Go get her!"









Silence. Thank God.

I could soooo not handle this alone.

Please continue to next Chapter.

10. Chapter 10: Something Eggy?

Heading right into Ch. 10…

Iggy's POV

Well, after dealing with the hell that was yesterday, Dr. Martinez did two things:

1: She told Max and Fang that ,despite common belief, I was not God, and could not do twenty things at once.

2: She told Ella to stick around and help me out.

I didn't know how much help Ella would be, though. She seemed a little…distracted by one thing: My lack of eyesight.

"How can you cook, anyway? I mean, how do you know how much of everything to put in and stuff?"

I sighed. "It's actually kind of simple. After you make something enough times, you just automatically know how much to put in."

"But, how do you know you've got that much? You can't see which one of those is the 1/4th cup and stuff."

"I've just learned how everything should, well, feel. I know how heavy one cup of something should feel and so forth."

"Do you ever screw up?"

I laughed, couldn't help it. "Yeah, everyone screws up sometimes. You just gotta learn how to fix your screw-ups so no one will notice."

"What's the worst screw-up you've ever made?"

I thought for a moment. I was actually starting to enjoy these questions. I smiled, suddenly remembering one of my biggest screw-ups.

"Hey, you know on the back of the jars of Fluff, how they always have that recipe for Never-Fail Fudge?"

She laughed. "Don't tell me you failed?"

I laughed with her. "We were using that fudge as doorstops for months! Heck, if Erasers had attacked, we would have had some damn good weapons! The only reason we didn't keep them is 'cause they started to smell."

We were both laughing, thinking about my fudge screw-up.

"You know, I've made a pretty bad screw-up before myself."

"Really?" I asked. "What'd you do?"

"Well, I found this recipe for a banana pie."


"I followed the recipe just as it said, but I guess something went slightly wrong. It came out green."


"And not a pretty color green, either. Kind of a barf green."

I laughed. "Speaking of barf and other sick-related things, how about you go ask the Prince and Princess what they'd like for breakfast."

"Will do." I listened to her walk down the hall.

I started to get the different breakfast-related utensils out of the cupboards. Green Banana Pie. That's pretty funny. You know, I thought Ella was pretty annoying at first, but she actually was pretty fun to talk to. I mean, her questions weren't that bad, they actually kind of made sense. I guess if I wasn't blind and I met a blind dude who could cook and make bombs, I'd want to know how he did it, too.

I found myself kind of impatient for her to come back. I wanted to continue our conversation. Jeez, how long did it take to ask those two guys what they wanted, anyway? They probably couldn't make up their minds. I wonder if Ella wuold like it if I, like, taught her how to cook or something? She was always asking about my cooking, so maybe she'd like to know first-hand. Besides, it would mean she'd stay in the kitchen with me longer.

Wait, why would I want her to stay in the kitchen with me? To keep me company? Yeah, sure, it could get lonely in here. I could use some company. Besides, it'd be nice to have someone else who could help out with the cooking. Yeah, that's it.

I heard her come back in. "So, what do their royal pains-in-the-asses want?"

"Well, Fang said something about hot cereal, and Max said something eggy."

"Something eggy?"

"That's what she said."

"Ok. Hey, Ella?"


"How would you like to learn to cook something besides Green Banana Pie?"

"Really? Would you teach me?"

"Sure. Hop on over."

As Ella went to get a frying pan, I went to the fridge to get what we'd need.

Something Eggy? Yeah, I could pull that off.

Oh my Gosh, when'd this turn into an Iggy/Ella fic? When I decided it be fun to add it in!


11. Chapter 11: Ms Jealous? Mr Emo?

After many wonderful reviews, I am finally starting Ch. 11. Yay!

In my defense, I have been working on a play that I'm in and have had no time to really update. I'm sorry, blame my drama teacher.

Oh, a note I forgot to add at the end of Ch. 10: The two screw-ups are true stories! Mom pulled the fudge one and I'm the banana pie messer-upper. Just FYI.

Ok, I'm just gonna get to updating now……

Fang's POV

Ok, day four (or, if you're Max, day three) of what has come to be known as the Avian Bird Flu. Max and I had decided to have a sort of emergency meeting in my room. On my bed, to be exact. Why did the two of us keep ending up in my bed, anyway?

"Shall I call the meeting to order, Maximum? What's our first order of business?"

Max rolled her eyes. "Ok, Fang, cut it out. I think we might need to have a little talk with Iggy."

"Why? Is something wrong with Sir Iggy of the Kitchen?"

She just looked at me. "Are you feeling ok?"

"Just peachy."


"Ok, so I only slept about four hours last night, I'm overtired, and I have no idea what's coming out of my mouth right now. I also have the weirdest craving for cupcakes. Do you think Iggy would make us cupcakes?"

Max just stared at me for a couple minutes. "Ok…How about I just do the talking at this meeting?"

I just shrugged. I figured if she did the talking, I could sleep. Dream about cupcakes. Whatever, I was out in left field somewhere.

"Have you noticed that our food lately is, well, shaped differently?"

"Actually, I don't spend my free time examining my food. I just eat it."

She shook her head. "Fang, all of our food is heart-shaped!"

I just shrugged again. "Who cares, it's still edible, right?"

"Well, I've been thinking…"

"A dangerous pastime for you, Maximum."

"I thought I was doing the talking. Anyway, I thought about it and you know how Ella's been helping Iggy out in the kitchen?"


"Well, I think Iggy might have a crush on Ella."

"That's great. Iggy finally got a girl. Good for him. Now, I won't have to describe beach bunnies to him anymore."

Max looked ready to smack me.


"First of all, I'm not sure I even want to know what beach bunnies are."

I just smiled. "Yeah, you probably don't."

"Second, we cannot let Iggy have a crush on Ella!"

I just looked at her. "Why?"

"Because! It'd be, well…bad!"

"And Iggy having a crush on somebody would be terrible….why?"

"Ummm……Ella's too young for Iggy!"

I think I could see where this was going. "They're only a couple years apart, Max."

"Well, Ella doesn't have wings!"

Ok, that ticked me off a bit. "Yeah, well Sam didn't either, and that didn't seem to bother you."

She looked ready to smack me again. "Yeah, we know that's not a problem for you, Your Majesty. After all, you did stick yourself to the Red-Haired Wonder."

"You're just jealous."

"What did you call me?"

"Jealous! That's right. You're just Ms. Jealous."

"I'm not jealous!"

"Then why does it piss you off so much when I call you that, Ms. Jealous?"

"At least I'm not some pathetic emo kid!"

"Oh, come on! I'm not freaking emo, Ms. Jealous."

"Mr. Emo."

"Ms. Jealous."

"Mr. Emo!"

"Ms. Jealous!"

"Mr. Emo!"

"Ms. - Wait. Why the hell are we fighting about this, anyway?"


"Because you got all racist and said Iggy couldn't date Ella because she didn't have wings."

"I'm not being racist! And who said anything about them dating?!"

I smiled. "First of all, Max, you're being racist against non-Avian-Americans. Second, you're just feeling all big-sisterly and protective towards Ella, so you don't want her to date."

"I am not!"

"Then give me one good reason why Iggy can't have a little crush on Ella?"

"Well, uhh….there's uhhh…But, ummm…."

"Let me help you, Maximum. There is none. Iggy can have a crush on whoever he wants, and so can Ella. Besides, I think they might make a pretty good couple."

Max just pouted for a while. "I still don't like it."

"Well, that's just too bad, huh? Ms. Jealous."

"Shut up, Mr. Emo."

"Or what, Ms. Jealous?"

"Or I'll sick Spiffy the Hobbit on you."

I just looked at her. "What?"


"Pooky'd kick his butt, anyway."



Ok, I guess having weird, delusional fictional characters in your head is just part of the whole 'Fever Package'.

Suddenly, Iggy and Ella, of all people, came in.

"Lunch is ready!" Iggy handed us each a tray with a bowl of soup and some crackers. I took a look at the food and, sure enough, not only were the crackers placed in a heart-shaped pattern, but there was even shredded cheese in the soup that had someone been artistically placed to be in the shape of a heart. How cute.

Wait, did I just call something cute? Oh, man, am I losing it.

Iggy and Ella were just about to leave when Max stopped them.

"Hey, Ig? Can I ask you something?"

"What about?"

"It's about the food, Iggy."

Uh-oh. Max, just shut up and drop it!!

"Could you tell me why it's, well, shaped like this?"

Iggy folded his arms. "Like what?"

"You know what!"

"No, Max, I really couldn't tell you."

That's when I realized something. "Uh, Max?"

"In a sec, Fang, I'm talking to Iggy."

"Yeah, it's about Iggy."

She rolled her eyes and turned to me. "Yes, Fang?"

"How could Iggy possibly make our food shaped like anything?"

"Well, he just….Oh…"

How it's possible to constantly forget Iggy's blind, I don't know. But yet, we always forget at the worst possible moments.

Iggy was beginning to look a bit annoyed. Ok, what's your food shaped like, Max?"

"Everything we've been getting lately is heart-shaped."

"Heart-shaped? Now, why the heck would you think I'd make anything heart-shaped?"

I was about to come up with a perfectly reasonable answer when Max blurted out, "Because you have a crush on Ella!"

Smooth, Max, real smooth.

Iggy turned about fifteen shades of red. He looked about ready to stammer out an answer when Ella burst out laughing.

"It…Was…Me!!" She got out between laughs.

"What? You have a crush on Iggy?"

I whacked Max in the arm.

"What, Fang?"

"I think now would be a good time to stop the 'crush' thing, Maximum."

In the meantime, Ella got a hold of herself. "I was making the hearts for you two!"

"What do you mean?" Max asked.

Ella just smiled mischievously. "I was making them for you and Fang. You know, 'cause you guys loooove each other! You love each other thiiiiis much!" She held out her arms to show how much we looooved each other.

Oh, great, not the Valium incident again.

"Plus, with the whole bed thing..."

Oh, great, two burns in one.

"…Me and Iggy were wondering when you were gonna invite us to the wedding."

I just laid down and put my head under my pillow. I'm not here, I'm not here…

Max, of course, can't take stuff like that in the laid-back way I do.

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" She threw a pillow at them. "Those were just accidents! Accidents! Get out!!"

Ella and Iggy ran out the door, laughing. I could even hear Iggy singing, "Max and Fang, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

I was sooo gonna get him for that one.

Ok, I promised I was going to update today, and if I don't end this chapter now, I won't have time to, so, here you go!

I believe the original Ms. Jealous will know where I got the idea for this chapter…..


12. Chapter 12: Ways To Piss Off Censors

Yay! New Chapter! Wootness! Ok, so I'm out of witty little side notes right now. I'll get back to that at the bottom.

Iggy's POV

Ella and I stumbled into the kitchen, laughing.

"Max and Fang, sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Ella sang.

I laughed and continued. "First comes love…"

"Then comes marriage…"

"Then comes mutated bird-children in a baby carriage!"

We were almost rolling on the floor by this point. Max and Fang may kill us both later, but it was sooo worth it.

"You think we should leave the country, Ig?"

I considered it for a bit. "We could, but they'd probably hunt us down. They might employ Angel to read our minds and come after us."

"Yeah, 'cause that's not the slightest bit creepy."

I laughed. "Yeah, Angel may be creepy sometimes, I admit it, but she's pretty useful, too."

"I say we employ Angel first. You're best buds with her big brother, after all."

"Good point. Maybe we should find a place to stay and start setting up our defenses."

"Good idea." I heard Ella go to the drawer where the pencils and notepads were kept and open it. "Let's make a list of what we'll need. You guys are good with explosives, right?"

I smiled. "The best."

"Ok, we'll need some coke and mentos."


"Oh, come on! You guys are the 'Explosive Masters' around here, and you've never made anything with diet coke and mentos?"

I shook my head. "No. What do they do?"

She grabbed my hand. "Let's go get Gazzy and I'll show you."

A girl who likes explosives? Where has she been all my life?

Fang's POV

So, after our little heart-shaped, Iggy/Ella fiasco, Max and I ended up hanging out in my room for the rest of the day and into the night. Max had had all these ideas of starting to make plans for what we were going to do as soon as we were well again about all of our world-saving business, but, thanks to the 'Fevers From Hell' we spent most of our time have delusional and random conversations about cupcakes, Pooky, Canada, owls, monkey bread, and a Hobbit named Spiffy. We spent that other wonderfully productive half sleeping. Now we were trying to get back on track. Key word: trying.

"Ok, so, back on the whole 'saving the world' thing. Any ideas?"

I just shrugged. "A Jello-Catapult of Doom?"

She glared at me. "Come on, Fang, be serious."

"Max, I'm so freaking tired, that's probably as serious as I'm gonna get."

She flopped back down on the bed next to me. "Yeah, I guess we should just drop it 'till later."

I smiled. "Finally."

She shook her head. "You're just lazy."

"Well, you're just jealous."

She shoved her head under the pillow. "Not this again!"

I laughed. "Alright, alright. I'll shut up."

It was silent for a little while. I was beginning to fall asleep, when Max spoke.

"Hey, Fang?"



Ok….Silence again. I was just drifting off again…


"Yep, Max?"


No way am I putting up with this for the next hour.

"Alright, Max. If it's nothing, why do you keep asking me?"

"It's nothing, Fang. Nevermind."

"Nothing. Right. You just woke me up twice to tell me nothing. Got it."

She crossed her arms. "Well, I was going to ask you something, but you're being a jerk now, so you can forget it."

"Fine. Forgetting."

Silence again. Wonder how long this will last?


Not long.

"Let me guess….nothing?"

She sighed. "No, Fang. It's something this time."

"Alright, let's hear it."

She took a deep breath. "Why did you call me 'beautiful' the other day?"

Awkward! "Uhhh…..nothing?"

She rolled her eyes. "Very funny, Mr. Emo. Now, be serious."

"I can't be. I'm too delirious to be serious. Oh my gosh, that rhymed!"

She glared at me. "Fang…"

"Yeah, yeah. Alright. Because…well, ummm….."

"Yes, Fang?"

"Because….you, well, are! You are, ok?"

Awkward silence. Oh, great.

"Thanks, Fang."

I looked up at the ceiling. "You're welcome."

"Hey, Fang."

I turned to her, smiling. "This better not be nothing."

She smiled back. "I guess you're pretty good-looking yourself."

Oh, crap. Face feeling warm. It's the fever, it's gotta be that damn fever again! "Ummm…Thanks, Max."

We sat there, silent again. Only, this time, we're looking right at each other. Face to face. And we're so freaking close, we could just…

"Hey, why don't you guys just get a closet or something?"

Ella and Iggy. Why, them, why?

Max turned to them and glared. "Don't you two have some little heart-shaped cookies you could be making somewhere?"

Iggy grinned. "No, but we'll whip a batch up just for your honeymoon."

"Guys?" I asked.

"Yes, Fang?" Iggy answered.

"GO THE (insert swear word of your choice here) AWAY!!!"

"Ok, Fang, don't have a heart attack over it, we're leaving! God!" Ella said, rolling her eyes.

Iggy shook his head. "Fang! Such vile language!"  He said, sarcastically.

I glared at him. "Get the (bleep) out, Iggy."

Iggy shook his head again and began to walk off. Unfortunately, as soon as I thought he was gone, I heard him yell, "Hey, Ella, remind me to ask Fang what base he was planning on getting to tonight!"

"F---ING THIRD, IGGY! NOW LEAVE US ALONE!" Nope, not in a good mood today.

Max just stared at me. "You gonna be ok, Fang?"

"Uhhh...yeah, I'm ok now. I've kinda been waiting to do that."

She laughed. "Yeah, ditto."



"I think Mom heard you, Fang."

Double crap.

Wow, Fang. Way to piss off the censors! I should wash your mouth out with soap!

-grabs soap-

Fang: -backs away slowly- I'm sorry?

Me: -evil laugh-

R&Rs will save Fang from the soap treatment!

Fang: Please R&R!!!

I would like to take a moment to thank 'One of the Populace' for the wonderful ideas that inspired this chapter. –gives cookies- Thank you! You maketh me laugh.

13. Chapter 13: Soap Poisoning

Did you reviews save Fang from the soap treatment? We'll see.........

Fang's POV

So, I am now banned from hanging out with Max for a day. Damn. Dr. Martinez, you are evil.

But Iggy, you're even worse.

"This isn't f---ing funny, Ig!"

"Tut, tut, Fang, it's that kind of language that got you here in the first place."

I gagged. Iggy had obviously thought that banning me from seeing Max was not enough punishment for the verbal abuse that I'd given him and Ella, so, while I was sleeping, he came in and stuck a bit of Dawn dish soap in my mouth. I woke up quick.

"This is disgusting, Iggy!"

Iggy held up the bottle. "Funny, Ella said it was orange. Is it orange? I thought you liked orange?"

"I'm glaring at you, Iggy." And I was. There had to be some way to kill a guy with a bottle of dish soap, and as soon as I stopped gagging on soap, I'd find out.

"That's nice. So, more soap?"

"You're not funny, Ig. Shut up."

Iggy just shrugged. "Hey, this'll teach you to swear in front of children and ladies, you uncouth bird-boy."

I just looked at him. "Where the heck did you get the word 'uncouth'?"

He smiled. "It's one of Ella's vocab. words. I think I used it right. I don't know, she's better at this stuff than I am."

That's when I found my revenge. "Oh, Ig, I get this whole soap thing now!"

"You do?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry I swore at your little girlfriend."

Iggy glared. "She's not my girlfriend. She's just a friend."

"Right, right. I get the whole 'heart-shaped food' thing now. I guess Max had a point..."

"She's not my girlfriend!"

"Iggy and Ella sittin' in a tree...."


"Iggy, you uncouth bird-boy!"

"Look, just shut up before I shove this bottle down your-"

"Iggy!" Dr. Martinez said, running into the room. "I thought we'd just had a talk about swearing!" Then, she saw the soap bottle.

"IGGY! What are you doing?!"

I heard Iggy gulp. I just smiled.

As Dr. Martinez dragged Iggy off, scolding him for 'just about poisoning poor Fang', I heard him say, "I'll get you later, F-Nick."

I almost laughed. "Revenge is a bitch, huh, Ig?"

Fang's POV Later....

Soooo boring........

Iggy's forbidden to speak to me, so I can't torture him.

Max is forbidden from coming in my room.

The rest of the Flock is afraid of catching whatever I've got.

Sooooo bored.....................

"Hey, Fang! Lunchtime!" Ella said, bringing in some food."

I took the tray and looked at it. "What? Soup again?"

"Sure, like you've got an appetite for anything else."

I continued to look the food over, taking a spoonful of soup and exaimining it, turning my crackers over, and stuff like that.

Ella watched me curiously for a second, then said, "What, Fang? I promise, no hearts today."

I shook my head. "No, it's not that. I was thinking, after I got Iggy in trouble, he might have poisoned the food."

She laughed. "No, I watched him make it. No poison there."

"You could be his partner in crime."

She rolled her eyes. "Paranoid much?" She started to leave.

"Wait, Ella. Could you grab me my laptop?"

She nodded and got my laptop out of my bag and handed it to me.

"Have fun and please, no more of that 'Don't Shoot the Puppy' game. That's morbid."

I just smiled. That stupid game was addicting, what can I say? Plus, it involved firearms.

I started booting the computer up as Ella left. I tried to think up a good thing to post on the blog, but nothing really came to mind. When I finally got onto the blog, I still hadn't come up with anything, so I just decided to (excuse the pun) wing it.

You are reading Fang's Blog.
Visitor Number: Yeah, we gotta get a new counter thingy.

Soooo....guess what?

You all say: "What?"

I've got the flu!

Plus, I gave it to Max.

So, we're kinda stuck in bed.

Which was ok, 'cause Iggy was making us food, but I got Iggy in trouble, so I'm afraid he's poisoning the food.

And Ella's helping him.

And so is Arnold the Multi-Colored Sheep.

But that's ok. I've got Pooky the penguin to save me!

And Max has a Hobbit Named Spiffy.


And thesaywtNBVTDCRS3glfyi56u4hdxfcvhby.,..........gyt

Sorry, fell asleep on the keyboard for a minute.

So, as you can probably now tell from what I typed above, I'm a little out of it.

ok, that was an understatement.

I have a fever, I can't help it!

Max does, too.

And Iggy's just being an idiot.


I wish I had a cupcake. I'm sick of soup.

I probably couldn't keep a cupcake down, though which is gross.

Man, I'm bored.


Iggy and Ella, sittin' in a tree,
First comes love,
Second comes marriage,
Third comes a bird-kid in a baby carriage!

Ha ha, Iggy, ha ha!

Hey, I have chicken noodle soup!

Does anyone think that could possibly be cannibalism?

I am part bird, after all.

But, I'm a hungry bird, so I'm eating it.



I give up, I can't think straight.




14. Chapter 14: Blog Comments

Just a short mini-chapter I thought was necessary after that last chapter...

Fang's Blog


I'm a Flockstar said:

Wow, Fang. I'm sorry you and Max are sick. Get well soon!

Horselvr said:

Ummmmm....Fang? Wtf?

Where's-The-Fire- said:

Hobbits? Penguins? Multi-colored sheep? Oh my!

Jackson5 said:

Wow, Fang, those must be some damn good flu meds! Ya sharin'?

The-Banana-King said:

Omg, Pooky is soooooooo mine!

St. Fang of Boredom said:

YOU STOLE MY SPIFFY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DeeDee11 said:


Emo-ppl-r-kewl said:

Don't fall asleep on the keyboard! Not good! Just go to bed, man!

orochimarulvr said:

Rawr! I'm a Dinosaur!

RamenCow said:

You have issues.......

NotSoHappilyEverAfter said:

Fang, hun? You need to go to bed. You're too sick to be up writing.

AreYouCopperbottumingum said:

Iggy and Ella? What?!?!?!

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

Weirdest Post Ever award!

The-Nudge-Channel wrote:

Fang! What the heck? Iggy and Ella?

Wait, we're in the same house. Why the heck am I answering you this way?

Oh! 'Cause it's fun!

So, it's Nudge and

Yeah, Gazzy here now, saving you from Nudge.

Oh my gosh, Iggy and Ella?


Fang's-Executioner said:

Dear Fang,

You are dead.

I kill you.

-Lovest, Iggy.

Ok, on to the next chapter.....

LOL! He stole my Spiffy!

15. Chapter 15: Justin?

Just wanted to mention that in the last chapter, I got the quote, "Rawr! I'm a dinosaur!" from EdwardAddict's fanfic: The Prank Wars.

It's hilarious!

Ok, on we go............

Fang's POV

"Once upon a time, there was a Hobbit Named Spiffy.

Spiffy had a friend named Pooky the Penguin.

One day, Spiffy and Pooky met a woman who wanted to become Queen of Canada, rename it Canadia, and create world peace. The two decided to help her.

The got together a Great Army consisting of the greatest warriors of the time:

Captain Jack Sparrow, Chewbacca, Harry Potter, Peregrin Took (Spiffy's second cousin twice-removed), Antonio the Vampire, Patrick Stump, Flick the Goose, Limli, daughter of Gimili, Prince Legolas Thrandulion, Chad the Alltel Guy, the Free Credit Report .com singer, and King Leonidas of Sparta.

King Leo kind of invited himself, actually.

Anyway, using duct tape, ravioli, and a Jello Catapult of Doom, they started a war with Luxembourg and Moldova.

Don't know what the heck those two countries had to do with anything, actually. Heck, most people don't know they exist!

Anywho, they won the war, took over Canada, renamed it Canadia, and the woman became Queen of Canadia. She then went on to become the Queen Mother and made her son, Aragorn (no, not that Aragorn), King.

Then, King Leonidas ran up and yelled, "Madness? This is SPARTA!!!!"

I just stared at Max.

"Ok, that has to be the weirdest dream I've ever heard about. Ever."

Max and I were allowed to see each other again, as long as I didn't have any more 'outbursts'. Max had come running in, insisting I had to hear about her dream. And oh man, was it a dream!

"Yeah, weird, huh?"

I just kept staring at Max. "You know what? I'm out of things to say now."

Max just rolled her eyes. "Like that's anything new for you. Hey, I saw your blog, by the way." She smiled.

"Yeah, Iggy's still threatening to kill me."

"Awww...Fang! I forgive you!"

Oh great. Speak of the devil......

"Iggy, what do you want?" I asked.

"Well, since I'm allowed back in here as long as I don't try to poison you, I'm bringing you and Max lunch with Ella here." Ella followed him in, carrying food.

I looked at the two bowls of soup after they gave them to us. "Hey! Max has more soup than me!" I put the soup down on the bedside table. "Her bowl's bigger!"

Ella rolled her eyes. "It's the same amount of soup, Fang, just different bowls. No need to pout about it!"

"I'm not pouting!" I said, crossing my arms. I quickly uncrossed them, realizing how I looked.

"Now who's jealous?" Max asked, smiling.

"I'm not jealous, either. I just want to be fed around here!"

"You are being fed, Fang! There's enough soup in there!" Ella said, getting angry.

"Whatever. You just don't want to feed me because of what I said about you and Iggy..."

"Fang, stop being an idiot! Eat your damn soup and shut up!"

"How about you shut up you-"

"Guys! Stop!" Iggy said, jumping in the middle of the fight. "You're fighting is tearing us apart!" He said, dramatically.

I just rolled my eyes. "Been listening to the soap operas again, Iggy?"

Suddenly, he jumped over and hugged me. He freaking hugged me! I automatically stiffened up, which got the girls laughing, of course.


"Yes, F-Nick, dear?"

"Let go of me!"

"Fang! No! Don't leave me! I love you!"

If my arms weren't pinned to my sides, I would've punched him. In the meantime, the girls were cracking up again.

"Iggy, let me go you overgrown pain-in-the-ass."

"But Fang! I'm having your child!"

Oh. My. God. I'm going to kill him, I swear it!

"Iggy! Let the f--k go of me and go back and watch your f---ing retarded soap operas."

"Fang, I hope you don't use that kind of language around our child!"

He was just doing this to either embarass me or get me to do something to get me in trouble. Probably both. Thing was, it was working.

"Iggy! Off! Now!"

"Fang, let's name him Justin."

That's when I had an idea.

"Dr. Martinez! Iggy's driving me nuts! Could you get him to leave, please?"

He let go of me quickly.

Dr. Martinez came in seconds after. "Iggy, for crying out loud, will you leave him be? You two are causing so much trouble lately! Hey, I've got an idea for you, Ig. You said you needed a bunch of different things at the store, right? How about you come with me and some of the kids shopping and get what you need? Ella, you can stay here with Fang and Max."

After Iggy left, grumbling all the way, I turned to Ella and Max. "So, that was weird."

They just looked at me. Then, they burst into laughter.

"Oh my gosh! That was hilarious!"

"You should have seen your face, Fang!"

"So, F-Nick? When's the baby due?"

"Are we invited to the wedding?"

Iggy's soooo dead later.

And that is the closest we're ever gonna get to Figgy in this fanfic.

And in case anyone's still confused, Iggy was just being a smart-ass. Trying to embarass Fang.

Poor Justin.........his own father won't acknowledge him................



16. Chapter 16: Closet Space

On this episode of The Young and the Feathery:

Iggy has just informed Fang he's having his child, Justin. Fang rejected him.

Meanwhile, Canadia was taken over by Spiffy and Pooky.

Now, Iggy is traveling with Nudge, Angel, Gazzy, and Dr. Martinez to the store.

Dun dun dun dun!!!!

Iggy's POV

Stupid, tattletale Fang. Now he got to sit at home with Max and Ella while I had to go to the store.

And oh man, did I not want to be going to the store with these kids today.

Sure, I loved them, they were my family, but today, they were wired, not to mention in bad moods. I was starting to get a headache.

"Nudge is looking at me!"

"Gazzy's looking back!"

"Nudge looked first!"

"Gazzy was annoying me!"

"Nudge was annoying me!"

"Well, he's more annoying!"

"Well, she's annoyinger!"

"That's not a word!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"If you two don't cut that out, I'm gonna turn this car around! No, second thought. I won't even stop! I'll just turn around and whack both of ya!"

Obviously, Dr. Martinez was getting a headache, too.

For a little while, there was silence. Then, at a whisper that slowly got louder:

"Is too."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

Oh boy.

Fang's POV

"I'm bored."

"Yeah, Max." I said. "I think I heard that the first thousand times you told us."

"Well, it's boring, just sitting here."

Ella clapped her hands together. 'I've got it! Let's play hide-and-seek!"

We just stared at her.

"Ok, I know it sounds stupid, but come on! We're bored, so why not?"

We finally agreed and Ella volunteered to be 'it' started counting. I wandered through the house for a bit, wondering what stage of boredom three teenagers could get to that would cause them to actually play hide-and-seek, then, realizing Ella was getting pretty close to one hundred, I dove into the nearest closet, just as she reached 95.

At first, it was perfectly quiet. Then....

"I was here first, Mr. Closet Emo."

I rolled my eyes. 'Well, it's a little late now. She just reached 100 and is already looking."

Max just sighed quietly. We sat in silence for a minute.

"Well," I finally whispered. "This is awkward."

"How so?"

"Max, we're stuffed together in a freaking closet! how much more awkward could we get than that?"

"We could be in a closet with Spiffy, Pooky, and Chewbacca."

"Ok, Max, let's try to keep the fever-induced conversation to a minimum."

We sat there in silence again. I thought maybe Max had fallen asleep until...

"Fang. I need to move. My foot fell asleep."

"Ok." I tried to move, only to realize my whole leg had fallen asleep. Great.

We both tried to pull ourselves up in the small space, but ended up getting ourselves practically tangled up in each other. Suddenly, I tripped and fell, bringing Max with me. I landed on my back, and max landed right on top, facing me.

We just stared at each other for a minute. "Well, I take my last comment back. This is awkward."

We both laughed quietly. My face was beginning to get that warm feeling again. Ok, I can't blame this on the fever anymore. I was soooo glad it was dark in there.

"Do we even have room to move?" Max asked.

I didn't even think about my next comment. "Do we want to?"

It was silent for a minute. I was beginning to mentally whack myself for saying that when I noticed something. I couldn't really see in the dark, but was Max actually smiling?

I was just about to say something, when, suddenly, a bright light blinded me.

Ella had just opened the door.

Why did the world hate me? Why?

Closets are interesting places.....

Hee hee hee.....

Do they want to?

Oh my!

I pity Iggy so much right now........

And probably Dr. Martinez, too.


17. Chapter 17: Pooky vs Spiffy

Random thoughts.....

New poll up! Please go vote after this chapter!! Pretty Please???

Oh, and random discovery!

Total X Akila makes.....


Now, pronounce that. Funny, right?

New goal: After Avian Flu, I'm doing a Takila story!

I own the phrase 'Takila'!!!

Just kidding, you can steal it if you want....

Anyway, on we go.......

Ella's POV

For a minute, all I could do was stare.

Then, I slowly shut the door,

I leaned up against it....

Then broke into uncontrolled, hysterical laughter.

"! When we told you guys to get a closet, we were kidding, you know that, right?"

Silence. Then, "Ok, Ella. We get it. It's freaking hilarious. Can you let us the hell out now?"

I moved from the door and opened it. "Of course, Fang. Why? Do you need to slip into something more comfortable?" I broke into laughter again. He just glared.

"Shut up, Ella."

I pretended to act shocked. "Oh my gosh, Fang! What will Iggy say? Are you leaving him and poor little Justin for another person?"

He glared again and walked off.

"Well, I hope you're at least gonna pay child support! Justin needs to go to college, you know!" I called after him. I turned to Max, who was glaring at me as well. I calmed my laughter.

For a while, we just looked at each other.

"You really do like him, don't you?" I finally asked.

"Yeah, I mean, no, I mean, well, uhh....Oh, what's it to you, anyway?" She stormed past me.

I just smiled as she walked away.

"Yeah, Max, just keep denying it." I said to myself. "Gosh, with all this couple stuff going on, I'm starting to feel kinda lonely."

I walked into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. I couldn't wait to tell Iggy about this whole mess when he got home. He'd laugh so much! One thing I like about Ig, his sense of humor.

"And number two, his cooking skills." I thought as I nearly sliced my thumb open slicing cheese in half.

I sighed, thinking about Iggy. "And number three; he's the nicest, cutest, coolest guy I know."

Only problem is, he's also the hardest to get.

Fang's POV

As soon as I had gotten back to my room, I'd flopped on my bed and hadn't moved since.

Damnit! Stupid hide-and-seek. Stupid closet. Stupid Ella. Why?

I had no idea how long I'd just been lying there. I was beginning to think about getting up when Max came in and stood over me.

She stood in silence for a minute, just staring. Then....

"It's all your fault, Fang."

I looked up at her. "Is not."

"If you hadn't hid in that closet..."

"How was I supposed to know you were in there?"

"You could check!"

"I didn't have time!"

"Hide faster!"

"I've got an idea! Shut up!"

"Make me!"

"I will! Pooky, get her!"

"Spiffy! Stop him!"

"Oh, come on! Pooky would sooo kick Spiffy's butt. He's got a laser gun!"

"Well, Spiffy has a Jello Catapult of Doom!"

"Laser guns are better than catapults."

"I'll show you what's better! Get him, Spiffy!"

"Go Pooky!"

So, Pooky and Spiffy started to fight. Sure, it occurred to me that we were most likely hallucinating and needed to go to bed, but I didn't want to think about that. I had to concentrate on Pooky winning.

And cheering them on loudly probably wasn't a good idea, either.

"Come on, Pooky! Kick him!"

"You're better than him, Spiffy, get him!"

"But can't we just be friends?" Spiffy asked.

"NO!" We both screamed.

Pooky and Spiffy just shrugged and went back to fighting.

We cheered them on until we just got tired and fell asleep. Then, I dreamed about them. Pooky won. Spiffy probably won in Max's dreams, but that wasn't the point.

Yay, Pooky!

Dr. Martinez POV

I had heard yelling from Fang's room when I got home and had quickly gone to check, thinking it was yet another fight.

But, when I opened the door, I saw the two of them cheering on....

Nothing. Ok.......

I just silently closed the door and shook my head.

Not even gonna ask.....

So....who would actually win, I wonder?

I'll do a poll on that sometime.



18. Chapter 18: 'Protective Things'

So, I'm sitting in a class right now that I absolutely must pass and I'm......

Writing Fanfiction.

Senioritis much?

I need to apply to college, for crying out loud!

I have SATs coming up!

So, what am I going to do?

Continue writing chapter 18?


But I'll do some college stuff in between; see what I get done first.

One thing: It's chapters like this that make this story Rated T.

Iggy's POV

So, this is what a child-induced migraine feels like. Boy, am I glad right now that Justin doesn't actually exist.

Even Dr. M looks worn out. She hasn't even broken up the fight I can hear going on in Fang's room. She just went down there, looked in, shook her head, and left them there. They'll probably just tire themselves out and fall asleep, anyway.

I was putting stuff away in the kitchen. I picked up one product and immediately knew what it was. I nearly threw it in the trash, disgusted.

Ramen Noodles.

Oh, come on! Why do we need this stuff?! Is the new plan to just kill Fang and Max off with the high concentrations of sodium?

Good plan, but doubtful.

Fang can cook better than whomever the hell it is that makes this crap! And trust me, Fang can't cook. The one time he tried back at the old house, well. It wasn't pretty. How anyone can screw up oatmeal is beyond me, but he did it.

I stuffed the crap in the back of the cupboard and continued to put things away. Celery in the fridge, peanut butter in the cupboard, bread on the counter...

I picked up one box and realized I had no clue what it was. Usually, I could tell by the size if it was, like, a cereal box or something, but this was confusing. I called Gazzy in to read it.

"Iggy, I've never seen this word before."

"Really?" What could we have bought that Iggy had never seen before? "Can you spell it out?"

That's when Angel walked in. "Can I and Celeste have some grapes, Iggy, please?"

I smiled. "It's Celeste and I, hun, but sure." I got her some grapes out of the fridge. "Ok, Gaz, spell it out."



"Heh, uhhh....Spell that again, Gazzy?"

He spelled it again. Yep, that was it. Why the heck were those in there? Well, I got my answer.

"Oh! I saw those in the store and grabbed the box. It had a picture of a warrior guy on it. Is it a weapon or something? We could use it."

", Angel, it's not a weapon..." Oh, God.

"Is it a toy?"

".....No, not a toy...."

"Well, what is it?"

I was just about ready to scream in panic when Dr. Martinez called for Gazzy and Angel outside. She was working in the garden and wanted some help.

I just about pushed them out of the kitchen. "Go one, guys! Don't keep Dr. M waiting!! Out you go!"

As soon as they were gone, I picked up the box. What the heck am I going to do with this?

Suddenly, I heard Ella walk in behind me. "Hey, Ig, putting the groceries away? You need some-" She must've spotted the item in my hand. "Ummm...Ig?"

I nearly jumped. "Ella, this looks a whole lot worse than it actually is...."

I explained to her the whole thing with Angel, which got her laughing. "That's so funny! The things kids do, huh?"

I laughed. "Yeah, hilarious. I hope Justin never pulls stunts like that...."

We both laughed again. "So, how is Justin's father? I heard a fight going on, but I guess they fell asleep."

Ella suddenly broke into laughter again. When she finally calmed down, she told me about their 'closet fiasco'. I nearly fell over laughing.

I heard Ella snap her fingers. "Hey, Iggy, I just thought of something."


"I think I've just thought of a use for that little box you're holding..."


I heard her smack her head. "No, no, get your head out of the gutter, Iggy! I mean another prank on Max and Fang!"

"Oh." That was a scary moment.....

"Let's go somewhere and plan."

"Ok, just one little thing."


"Let's not plan in either your room or mine."

She smacked me in the arm, but she was laughing. "Alright. Bring you and your sick mind to the back porch to plan."

I smiled and followed her to the back. That had been an awkward conversation. An interesting conversation, but still awkward. 'Cause Ella wouldn't be thinking of me like that.


Fang's POV

How come all of mine and Max's fights lately have us falling asleep in the same bed? Ok, I'm sure you could all come up with some interesting answer to that question, but, as of right now, I'm not going there.

You know, though, it could almost be pleasant to wake up with Max's wing around me. If the wing's feathers weren't also in my mouth, that is.

I spit out a couple feathers. "Yo, Max. Wake up!"

Like that did anything. She could sleep like a rock sometimes.

"Max? Maxy? Oh, Almighty World-Saver?"



That worked.

"Gosh, Fang! What?" She moved her wing. "Stop trying to eat my wing, will ya?"

"You're the one that stuck it there."

She shrugged. "Whatever."

She looked around. "Uhhh....Fang?"


"Are those what I think they are?"

"What?" I looked up, and saw what she was talking about.

It was a whole bunch of, well.........things. 'Protective' things all over the bed. They also all had stuff written in magic marker on them. Max was reading them.

"Max and Fang 4ever? Max plus Fang equals Fax? Fang plus Iggy equals Justin?"

I rolled my eyes. "I bet I know who did this..."

Max through down the....things she was holding. "You know what this means, don't you?"


Max smiled evilly. "Revenge, of course."

I love the way she thinks.


Poor Iggy had an awkward moment.


Ah, Eggy.....

Hey, anyone notice that Fang has some kind of inability to say 'condom'?

Protective things.........


Or run around screaming "Fang can't say 'condom'!"

I'd like the review, but that other one might be more fun.

Wow, what am I on to get inspired to write this chapter????

19. Chapter 19: Just Pay the Support, Fang!

First off................

The Pooky vs. Spiffy Poll is up!! Go and vote for the winner!!!

Ch. 19......Revenge......And the word Fang can't say......

Got Milk?

Iggy's POV

"Hey, Ig? How about we make lemonade?"

I nodded in agreement. After our little 'prank' we had gone outside to partly help Dr. M in the garden for a bit and mostly to avoid Max and Fang. We had been out there for about an hour and were thirsty as heck. It was hot work, gardening!

I took a seat at the table. "It's a good idea, but could you get me a glass of milk first? I'll die of thirst before we're even done making the lemonade!"

I heard Ella open the fridge door. Then, she paused. "Oh my gosh, Ig..."


"You won't believe what's on top of the milk cap?"

"Once again, what?"

"Well, what did we just use to prank Max and Fang with?"

Oh, great...

"Is that the only thing?"

"What do you think?"


"Good answer. The worst part is, they crossed out what we wrote and wrote their own comments, like 'Ella and Iggy forever' or, 'Ella plus Iggy equals Eggy' and even, "Fang won't pay Justin's Child Support.'"

"He's not paying it? I'll sue him. How's Justin supposed to get an education?"

"Very funny, Iggy. I'm rolling my eyes, by the way."

"Yeah, well so am I. I'm rolling my eyes at this prank! Come on, how is this revenge? They just copied our prank! What's the worst that can happen to us just because they 'decorated' the milk bottle?"

Famous last words...

"Ella? What is that on the milk bottle?"

Dr. Martinez. Crap...

Luckily, we were able to clean up all the little 'decorations' before Dr. M could read them. Doubt that would've ended well...

She couldn't prove that we were behind it, but had a feeling we had something to do with it, so we got in trouble anyway. Sure, she may have been kind of right, but that's not the point.

As for Prince Fang and Lady Maximum, she suspected them, too, but when she went in to question them, Max 'suddenly' had a terrible coughing fit, and shortly after, poor Fang developed a terrible headache.

What a couple of hams.

I think Ella and I should have a little 'chat' with their majesties...

Fang's POV


I laughed. Ever take a running leap and jump onto someone's bed while they're sleeping and scare the heck out of them? If not, you're missing out.

"Morning Maximum! Beautiful day, isn't it?"

She stared at me. "Beautiful day? You must be sick."

I smiled. "Actually, quite the opposite. Dr. Martinez just gave me a clean bill of health. I'm cured of the Avian Flu!"

She flopped back down on the bed. "Lucky you..."

I flopped next to her. "Hey, don't be all sad! Tell, you what, I'll keep you company. We can hang out in each other's rooms and have random conversations."

She laughed. "Like we haven't done that already..."

I started to laugh, too, until the door opened and two people walked in.

I doubt I have to tell you who. It's always the same two...

"Morning, Max, Fang. Having a good morning? I hope so, because I want the chance to be able to ruin it for you."

I sighed. "Come on, Iggy. Can't take a little prank?"

"Fang, I have two problems with your 'little prank' One, it got us into trouble for no good damn reason, and two, you refuse to pay your own child's support money! That's illegal, you know."

"Iggy, rolling eyes over here. Come on, if Dr. M had walked in while we had all those...things on the bed, we'd be in the same spot as you. It's called revenge, right Max? Max?"

Yeah, Max picks the best times to fall asleep.

"Yo! Max!"

She blinked her eyes open. "What, what? Yeah, sure, whatever." She flopped back onto her pillow.

"See, Max agrees."

"Ummm...I don't think that counts..." Ella said.

Max jumped back up. "Hey, my vote counts! I'm a U.S. citizen!"

I put a hand on her shoulder. "Wrong vote, Max."

"Look, Fang." Iggy started again. "I think this little 'Prank War' needs to end."

I just smiled. "Hey, if you didn't want it, you and your girlfriend here shouldn't have started it."

"She's not my girlfriend."

"And I'm Myles Standish."

"How was your trip on the Mayflower, Captain Standish?"

"Ha ha, so funny. You think about taking that act on the road? You and Ella could do a little magic show or a duet."

"Shut up."

Somewhere, during our war of words, I heard Max say to Ella, "So, how's your morning?"

"Fine, yours?"

"Great. So, how long do you think this stupidity is going to last?"

"Who knows..."

So, it ended up with Max and I on one side sitting on the bed and Iggy and Ella standing on the other. Iggy and I were practically shouting by now. For some reason, I just can't imagine why, Iggy was pretty sensitive about the whole 'him and Ella' subject. And I was using it to my advantage until...

"What in the world are you guys yelling about this time?"

The only other person famous for walking in at really bad times.

Dr. Martinez.

"They're just fighting about their relationships." Max said, cheerily. Then, realizing what she had just said, she clapped her hands over her mouth. A little late now, Maximum.

I could see Dr. M putting two and two together. Ella next to Iggy. Me next to Max. Uh-oh...

"Ella..." Dr. M started to say.

My fight was with Iggy mostly, not Ella. Plus, I didn't want her in huge trouble. I had to do something, and fast. I had a thought. It was a thought I wished I didn't have, but I had it and, without thinking, acted on it.

I jumped over and hugged Iggy. "Yeah, Iggy's having my child! We're naming him Justin and Iggy was just trying to get more child support out of me!"

Dr. Martinez just stared.

And stared.

And stared.

"Maybe I gave you a clean bill of health too soon..." She closed the door and left.

Iggy smiled. "So, Fang, you gonna pay the child support?"

I let go of him and pushed him. "You and Justin can live in a cardboard box for all I care."

Iggy just grinned. "You deadbeat dad! Just wait 'till I sick my lawyer on you!"

Ella looked at him. "You have a lawyer?"

"Yeah, Gazzy."

I laughed. "I have a better lawyer..."



Fang's just determined not to pay that child support, isn't he?

This should be the most interesting child support trial of all time...

Oh, and to all who celebrate it...

Happy Thanksgiving!

And if you don't, have a happy day, anyway.

Fang still can't say it....

As usual, R&Rness?

20. Chapter 20: The Trial

And the winner of the poll is…… Pooky the Penguin with 13 votes! Yay! Spiffy will just go cry in a corner now...

New poll: Total vs. Gazzy, Who's the better lawyer?

Ok, on with the story…

Note: I'm starting this during class, and will probably finish it at another time. I'm sorry it took so long to update, but school is swamping me. I've been trying to write parts of chapters in my free time and finish them when I can. And trust me, my free time's been pretty scarce lately. Or, when I do have it, it's not at a time when I can really write. Ok, now getting on with the story…

Max's POV

"Order in the court! Order in the court! Hey, everyone! Listen, I'm talking here! And I'm the judge so you have to listen to me! The judge is, like, speaking! Hello?!"

I sighed. When is the judge not speaking? I don't know whose bright idea it was to assign Nudge as the judge, but they deserved to be put in contempt of court for it. And yes, I realize I just rhymed. Judge Nudge. Oh, Lord.

Whose idea was it to actually have this trial, anyway? Were we really that bored? I could be taking a nap right now, but I have to be Fang's witness. I'm Fang's witness in a child support case. How screwed-up is that?

I looked around the room, watching everyone file in. Iggy and Ella were sitting to our right. Ella had agreed to be Iggy's witness. Remind me to disown her. Right now, Iggy was consulting his 'lawyer' Gazzy, who had found a black jacket, white shirt, and tie to wear to the trial. "He looks pretty spiffy." I thought to myself, and then had to hold back laughter. Damn Spiffy…..

Nudge was banging her hammer-thingy and talking to Mom, who had agreed to be part of our 'jury', which boasted 4 members; Mom, Angel, Celeste, and Magnolia. Akila was working as court bailiff.

Easily the most pathetic court in the country. Or, the weirdest. Take your pick.

At this time, Fang was consulting his lawyer, Total. If I didn't know better, I'd think Fang was actually enjoying this whole thing. He was actually willing to go along with Iggy's insanity. Every time I think I know that kid, he surprises me.

When Iggy had suggested this mock trial, Mom went right along with it, claiming it'd be 'a good learning experience for the younger kids'. I have a feeling that that was just another way of saying 'a good way of keeping you guys out of trouble.'

"Order in the Coooooooooooourt!!!!" Judge Nudge called out from her stand/desk. Mom gave her the 'chill out' look and took her seat on the couch/jury seat.

"Ok, everybody ready? Bailiff, swear in the protestant and the defendant, please."

"Plaintiff, Nudge, dear." Mom corrected.


"It's the plaintiff, not the protestant. Protestant is a type of religion."

"Oh, ok, whatever. Swear 'em in, bailiff!"

Akila just looked at her and barked twice.

"Allow me to translate for Bailiff Akila." Total said, stepping up. "Will the plaintiff and the defendant please each raise your right hand and put your left on the bibles we've placed in front of you."

"Ummm….Total?" Iggy asked.


"Does it matter if your bible is the New American Bible?"

"No, Iggy. Now-"

"Hey! Mine's a Mormon bible! If I'm not Mormon, does it still count?" Fang asked.

"Look, they're the only two bibles Dr. Martinez would supply us with. Can we move on now?"

Both boys nodded.

"Ok, good. Now, just say 'I do' at the end. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?"

"I do." They both said.

"I now pronounce you man and bird-hybrid. You may now kiss the bird." I said. "We done now?"

Mom gave me a look. "Max…"

I rolled my eyes and fell silent.

Akila barked again.

"They've been sworn in, your honor." Total 'translated'.

"Ok. Sweet! Alright, so, Iggy's complaining that he's, like, pregnant with Fang's kid, which is, like, impossible, 'cause Iggy's, ya know, a guy. Plus, I don't think Fang would do, well, stuff like that with Iggy. I mean, it's just wrong!"

Mom cleared her throat and gave Nudge a look.

"Oh, yeah, anyway, Fang claims that Iggy's nuts, which I kinda agree with…"

Another look from Mom.

"But I'm not allowed to make that decision yet, so, let's just hear what you guys have to say. Uhhh…yeah, Gazzy, you get to say something first."

Gazzy stood up and grinned. This could be interesting.

"My client, Iggy, is a cool guy. He likes to light things on fire, blow things up, and cook. He's also blind, which kind of sucks. And now, he's gotta take care of Justin. And even though he can do all kinds of cool stuff, he's blind and stuff, so can't really take care of Justin on his own, which is why he needs Fang's child support. Plus, he wants to send Justin to college, like Dartmouth or Harvard or something. So, he needs money from Fang. The End." He went and sat back down.

"That was just inspirational." I whispered to Fang. He grinned.

"Ok, Total, your turn!" Nudge said.

"My client, Fang, is being wrongly accused of being a deadbeat dad. But, the question I must place before you, people, dogs, and ummm, teddy bears of the jury, is, how can Fang be the father of a child that does not exist?"

I rolled my eyes. I could just feel the long-winded speech coming on now.

"Where is this child? Where is proof of the child's existence? And, the most important question of all, how in the world can this male have a child?"

Silence from the jury. Mom looked bored, as did Angel. Magnolia was asleep, and Celeste? Do I need to describe her?

"Where is the justice in this accusation? How in this country, the home of democracy, of common sense, can someone possibly accuse someone like my good client, of doing something, so impossible, it borders on ridiculous?"

"The 'Home of Common Sense' part could be challenged." I thought. "If Americans have so much common sense, how come I have wings, huh?"

"Ladies, and, well, just ladies of the jury, I'm sure you will all see during this case how ridiculous these charges really are. I shall leave this decision up to you now, my fellow Americans. May democracy guide you and God be with you. Amen." Total took his seat.

Amen? When did this become a religious service? Ok…..

"Ummm…Gazzy gets a witness now, right?" Nudge asked Mom.

Mom nodded.

"Ok, Gazzy, you call up someone and, like, question them."

Gazzy hopped up to the center. "Hey, Ella! You can come up now!"

Ella walked up to the stand, which was actually just a chair with a table in front of it. Total went up to translate for Akila again and swear her in. Then, the questioning began.

"So, Ella, how long have you known Iggy?"

Ella thought for a minute. "About….7 months maybe?"

"Ok, is Iggy having Fang's baby?"


"Ok!" Gazzy sat down. I held back laughter again.

"I guess Total gets to ask some stuff now." Nudge said.

Total jumped up to the stand. "Ella, where is your proof of this baby?"

"Iggy said so."

"Well, what if Iggy isn't being honest?"

Ella looked over at Iggy. "Iggy, are you having Fang's child?"

Iggy smiled. "Yes."

"Ok, well, Iggy just swore to tell the truth, so he must be telling the truth. See?"

Total just stared. I couldn't blame him. It was one of the most ridiculous things I'd ever heard, too.

I was up next. Oh, joy.

"Max, how long have you known Fang?" Total asked.

"Like, my whole life." I answered.

"And you've known Iggy for the same amount of time, correct?"


"So, what do you think of this claim of Iggy's?"

"I think he's nuts."

"So, you agree with Fang?"

"I think he's nuts, too. Heck, I think this whole thing is nuts. I just want to go to bed."

"So, Iggy does not have a baby named Justin?"

"If he does, we're officially going on Oprah."

Total rolled his eyes. "Max, be serious! You're in a court of law!"

"No, I'm in Mom's living room, I have the flu, and I just want to go to bed, but instead, I'm here, being subjected to some kind of insane mock child-support court trial between two guys. Humor me."

Total just stared. "No further questions."

"Ditto." Answered Gazzy. Smart kid.

Iggy on the stand was just like watching the world's worst soap opera.

He went up there crying! Or, pretending to cry. Take your pick.

"I just want to raise Justin the best I can!" He wailed. "Bu-but I can't give him the life he deserves! And why? All because his own fa-father won't support him! I-I just can't take this!" He burst into fresh tears. I began looking for the onion he must have been cutting up to make him cry like that.

Gazzy patted him on the shoulder. "No further questions."

Total strutted up to the stand. "Iggy, what makes you believe that you, a male, have another male's child?"

Iggy just kept up the 'crying'.

"Hello? Iggy? Earth to Iggy!"

Gazzy stood up. "I think Total is uhhh…badgering my client." I wondered who told him what 'badgering' meant.

"Yeah, Total, lay off. He's upset." Nudge said.

Total's jaw dropped. "He's faking it!"

"I'm the judge, and I say leave him alone! Yeah!" Nudge said.

"Whatever…Iggy, down, Fang, up." Total said.

Everyone on Iggy's side patted him on the back and gave him tissues. What a bunch of actors.

Fang was up next.

"So, Fang, how long have you known the plaintiff?"

"You mean Iggy? Like, forever."

"Have you ever had any kind of…relationship with Iggy?"

"No freaking way."

"No kind of…relations?"

"What was that quote of President Clinton's? I did not have…'relations' with that bird-kid."

"No further questions, your honor." Total took his seat.

Gazzy approached the stand.

"Fang, just explain one thing. If Justin isn't your child, whose is he?"

Fang shrugged. "Immaculate conception?"

Gazzy stared. "What's that?"

"Go read one of those bibles. I think it's in there somewhere."

"Ok….no further questions."

Both sat down. Now, for the Judge Nudge show.

"Ok, so that was, like, the craziest thing I've ever heard, and I watch Judge Judy sometimes, and they have some crazy stuff, like, this one guy, he bought a puppy, and he thought it was a boy puppy, but it was really a girl puppy, and he didn't want a girl puppy, which I think is unfair because girls are just as good as boys, actually, sometimes, girls are, like, better than guys at stuff, so I don't know why he wouldn't want the girl puppy, but he kept it anyway, so maybe he did want the girl puppy or-"

Mom cleared her throat again.

"Ok, yeah, Total, you're up."

Total strolled to the middle of the room. "Ladies of the jury, being ladies, I'm sure you know that it is impossible for a male like Iggy to have a child in any way, so, do I really need to explain anything? Was this trial even necessary?"

"Nope." I answered. I was ignored.

"No, I say to you! It is obvious who the winner here is. There is no other answer except this: my client is innocent. I shall leave this decision to you now, good, wise people of the jury. I trust your decision will be one of common sense and truth."

Total took his seat. Now for Gazzy's turn.

Gazzy slowly made his way to the center of the room. For a while, he just stood there in meaningful silence, looking from one of us to the other, solemnly.

Then, he let one of his 'gifts' loose.

"Oh God, Gazzy, gross!" Nudge yelled, running out of the room. She was soon followed by the rest of the court. Gazzy, just rolled on the floor and laughed like the typical eight year old he was, wrinkling his suit.

As soon as Fang and I were far enough away from the stench, I turned to him.


"Yeah, Max?"

"Just pay the damn child support."

And that's that, my peeps.

Remind me to stick 'judge' under the list of jobs Nudge must never pursue.

Officially the most I've ever written just using one person's POV, I think.

Once again, I apologize for the slower updateness, but school has been swamping me lately. It'll probably be a while before I'm able to really update regularly again. In the meantime, please have patience with poor me if I can't update. I'll try, really I will!


Oh, and poll!

21. Chapter 21: Take Your Own Advice

Taking me a while to update, huh?

Ok, I think Total won the poll......not that we're gonna let him go into law school or anything....

Total: Awwww.....

Anyway, so, uh....what chapter is this?

Fang: -whispers- Chapter 21.

Oh yeah! Chapter 21! I knew I'd remember!

Fang: Yeah....

So, here we go!!

Oh, and, some of you were complaining about a lack of Faxness, right????

Fang's POV

Another beautiful morning at the Martinez household.

The sun was shining through my window, there were birds chirping outside, I could smell eggs frying in the kitchen. Just another great day.

Well, except for the scottie-ish looking dog staring right in my face.

"Total? What?"

"I'd hate to have to send debt collectors after you, Fang. Especially if you have to end up paying child support."

"What are you talking about?"

He rolled his eyes. "Payment, Fang, payment! Lawyers don't work for nothing! You have to pay me whether we won or we lost."

"Did we win?" I asked, pulling myself up. "I couldn't really tell."

He sighed. "It doesn't matter. You need to pay me. I want 5 strips of bacon, not the cheap stuff, either, maple-cured preferably. And I want it by the end of the week, or I'm sending the debt collectors."

I laughed. "And who's the debt collector? Lassie?"

"Fang! This isn't a joke! I'm trying to teach you about the real world here!"

"I don't think we pay lawyers with bacon in the real world."

He sighed again. "5 strips of bacon by the end of the week." He started to leave, then spun around. "Oh, and please don't try and give me that fake, dog treat bacon."

"You mean Beggin Strips?"

He made a face. "Yes."

I grinned. "I thought dogs didn't know they weren't bacon."

"Fang, do you really think I-"


I looked around Total to the door where Gazzy stood. "Yeah, Gaz?"

"Iggy wants you."

"My client and I are in an important meeting right now." Total started. "Plus, I don't feel that my client should be speaking with the plaintiff without the counsel of his lawyer and maybe-"


"Yes, Fang?"

"Drop it."

He sighed. "Have it your way, Fang."

"I will." I turned to Gazzy. "Tell Ig I'll be there in a few."

"Ok. He's acting kind of weird, by the way."

When isn't he? "Thanks for the warning, Gazzy."

In a couple minutes, I'd dragged myself out of bed, thrown Total out of my room, and made it down to Iggy's room.

"So, Iggy, you needed me?" I said as I walked in. "Does Justin need lunch money?"

I was answered by having a red shirt thrown in my face.

I pulled it off. "Ig?"

He was digging through his closet madly, touching clothes, making a disgusted face at the color, and throwing them aside.


Suddenly, he jumped up, holding two shirts up. "Fang? You like the green or the blue better?"


He sighed. "Green or blue, Fang, it's not rocket science."

I stared at him for a minute. "And you need my opinion...why?"

"Well, I..." He looked embarrased for a moment. "Ella and I are going shopping today, and we might see some of her friends, and we might be out for lunch, so I, uhhh..."

I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. "Oh...I get it. You've got a date!"

"I do not have a date! We're just shopping and-"

"Iggy's got a date! Iggy's got a-"

"Will you just shut up, give your opinion, and leave?"

"Iggy, come on, man! She'll like you in whatever color you wear."


I laughed. "Yeah! She's definetiely interested in you. Plus, when you ask me questions like this, you worry me."

"I worry you?"

"Yeah. First, you say you're having my child, now you're asking me what color to wear! If it wasn't for this date with Ella, I'd be worried."

"It's not a date!"

"Oh, sorry, right. Not a date, got it." I smiled. "Look, Iggy, why don't you just...tell her you like her?"

"Just...tell her?"


"What if she doesn't like me?"

"Iggy, are you blind?"

He gave me a look. I grinned sheepishly.

"Ok, bad phrase. But, really. She likes you, you like her. Tell her!"

"Why don't you tell Max you like her?"

"What? Since when is this about me and Max?"

"Well, if it's sooo easy, take your own advice."

"Iggy, this isn't about-"

"Iggy!" Ella called from down the hall. "We gotta leave in half an hour!"

Iggy panicked. "Half an hour? Crap! I still need to find pants!" He went digging through his closet again.

"Have fun, Ig."

"Yeah, yeah." He was still knee-deep in clothing.

"Oh, and Ig?"

He looked up. "Yeah?"

"Go with the blue."

I guess that conversation with Iggy made me think. I went straight for Max's room.

And dove onto her bed again.

"Wha-?" She asked, blinking.

"Morning, Maximum Ride. Ready to face the day?"

She flipped me the bird and pulled the pillow over her head.

I just laughed and pulled the pillow off. "Come on, Max! Bet you'll feel better if you get up!"

She finally pulled herself into a sitting position. "What are you so cheerful about this morning?"

"I just had a conversation with Iggy."

She rolled her eyes. "Is he sending Justin to Hogwarts now?"

"No, though that's an interesting concept. How good do you think a human-avian hybrid would be at Quidditch?"

She sighed, staring at me. "Get on with it, Fang."

I grinned. "Want to hear some good gossip?"

She raised her eyebrows. "You're into gossip now, Fang?"

"Like, Oh my God, Max! Isn't that, like, what everyone's talking about?"

"You're scaring me, Fang."

I smiled. "Yeah, well, Iggy was scaring me this morning, too. He wanted my advice on what to wear today. Want to know why?"

"I guess I'll have to hear it anyway. Shoot."

"He's going out for shopping and lunch with Ella."

"Really?!" Max was smiling. "I bet Ella's excited. Don't you think they're cute together?"

"Cute's not really in my vocab, Max, but I think it's nice, I guess."

"Oh, no, we can't have Prince Fang of Machoness saying any, un-manly words like 'cute'." She rolled her eyes. "So, was Iggy nervous?"

I laughed. "Knee-deep in the contents of his closet and practically bouncing off the walls."

She laughed, too. "I can just imagine." She sighed, dramatically. "Our little Ella and Iggy are growing up." She dabbed at an imaginary tear.

I hugged her around the shoulders, looking off into the distance. "And to think, just yesterday it seems, Iggy was making his very first bomb. They grow up so fast!"

We laughed. I rested my forehead on top of her head.

"You know, Max. I told him he should just tell Ella how he feels."

"And what's he say to that?"

I moved my head and tipped her chin up to face me. She was staring straight into my eyes, searching, trying to figure out what I was thinking, as usual.

God, Max has beautiful eyes.

"He said I should take my own advice."

And then I kissed her.

It's amazing how we seem to just fit together, like we were made for each other. I guess, if you believe in fate in stuff like that, you could say that we were. I couldn't really tell you. Maybe we fit because we want to. Maybe it's coincidence. All I know is, when I'm kissing her, it's hard to think about anything else but her. Heck, after a while, I get dizzy. Of course, that's when I realize I've forgotten to breathe. Unfortunately, that's also the point where we have to break apart.

We just stared at each other for a minute, foreheads together, trying to get air back into our lungs, trying to start brain function up again.

"Well, does my advice work?"

"It was definetiely...surprising." She was smiling now. A good sign.

"Well, you want to know what the good part about kissing you know was?"


"You're too sick to fly away on me."

She was still smiling. I breathed an inner sigh of relief.

"I'm starting to regret flying away at all."

I smiled. "Really?"


We just sat like that for the longest time. I think I could've stayed like that forever.

Then, Max yawned.

"Oh, hey, I'm keeping you up."

She shook her head. "No, no, I'm fine." She shivered.

I smiled and gently pushed her back down in her bed. "No, Max, you're still sick. Why don't you go back to bed for a little bit, ok?"


"But what?"

"I-I don't-" She took a deep breath. "I don't want you to leave yet."

I smiled as I pulled the blankets back over her. Her and me, that is. I cuddled close, putting a wing over her to keep her warm.

"I never said I was leaving, Max. I'm too much of a pain-in-the-ass to do that."

She smiled and ran a hand through my hair. "You're something else, Fang, you know that?"

I grinned. "Hey, I try. Now, get some sleep, Ms. Jealous."

"Shut up, Mr. Emo."

I smiled and closed my eyes. "You're the boss, Maximum."

This must be what Heaven feels like.

Get ready for it......And......All together.....


I hope all you people who wanted some Faxness already are now satisfied. At least for the time being.

Poor Iggy.........

But Total! Dog's don't know it not bacon!

Ok, someone going by the name 'Anonymous' informed me of a mistake. Obviously, there is no 'Mormon Bible'. Ok, what I had meant was The Book of Mormon. Well, look at it this way. Fang wouldn't know there was no 'Mormon Bible'. He probably got it confused.

Fang: Thanks. Make me feel stupid.

Anyway, I hope I didn't insult any Mormons out there. Really, I love you people! I'm a very sorry for this error.

As always, I'm human, so, if you see a mistake, tell me! I won't get mad. Unless, of course, you yell and/or swear at me and insult me for making the mistake. Then, I will cry and sick Fang on you.

Fang: Since when am I you're personal guard dog?

-whacks Fang- Well, I'm sure you guys get the picture.

Ok, now that I've reported my mistake.....


Oh, and there's a poll up for my other story 'Job Listings' since I need help to get going on that...

22. Chapter 22: Perfume and Politics

First of all, ok, I get it. I can't spell 'scaring'. Thanks to all who pointed this out. Maybe I'll go through and fix it at some point.

Soooo.....Something I've noticed.....

You know the three things you're not supposed to talk about at the dinner table?

Politics, Sex, and Religion.

(Ok, and in New England, Sports is in there, too, but we'll get to the great Yankees/Red Sox War another day...)

So, I was considering these three things, and realized I've used two of them.

Sex: The Great Condom Caper.

Religion: The 'Mormon Bible' Incident.

Considering this and the fact that I seem to be heading for controversy anyway, I've decided there's only one thing left to do....

Fang: Be more careful, stay out of trouble, and let me go?

Me: No, silly Fang! I need to do an entire chapter on politics!!!!!

Fang: But you hate, no, despise politics!

Me: I know I do, but this could be fun! Just a little note, though...

Not only will I not be choosing sides in this fic, I will not release my political standpoint. Why? Because I don't feel like turning this into a big debate. I'm just trying to do yet another (hopefully) funny chapter and hope not to get in trouble. So, if you ask me who I supported in the election, I will say, "Emmett Cullen for President!" And if you ask what political party I belong to, I will say, "Avian-Americans."

Hey, all of you out there who are good with photoshop and things like that, someone should make a 'Emmett Cullen for President' or 'Avian-American' picture. I'd laugh.

With the luck I've got, this'll turn into a debate anyway.....-sigh-

I will try to be fair and insult both canidates equally......this could be fun!!!

Time to go on JibJab for inspiration....

Fang: I think you're opening a can of worms you may not want opened.....

Me: To late now! The idea is in my head!

Fang: Your funeral....

Iggy's POV

So, here we were at the nearest grocery store, trying to find something that was halfway edible.

"Oh, look, Iggy! Spam!"

I made a face. "Talk about the 'sploosh' sound, what is that stuff, anyway?"

Ella laughed. "Think about it, Ig. S-P-A-M. Stuff Posing As Meat."

I laughed. "Sounds like the stuff they serve you in school."

Suddenly, I heard another voice behind me. "You have no idea..."

I spun around, at of instinct more than anything. Not like I was going to see whoever it was behind me. Luckily, Ella recognized him before I aimed a blind punch at whoever the little creep was who snuck up on me.


"Hey, Ella! What's up?"

"Not much, you?"

I heard him chuckle. "Just some stuff for the paper. Want to do an interview?"

"Not on your life, Nate." She laughed. Then, I guess she remembered I was there. "Oh, Ig, this is Nate. He's the editor of our school paper. Nate, this is my friend, Iggy."

"Nice to meet ya, Iggy."

"Yeah, you too."

Then there was silence for a moment. I could just guess what was going on. Wait for it.....

"Oh! Nate, I forgot. Iggy's blind."

I held back a sigh. Here we go again.

"Oh, sorry about that, man." He laughed again. "I was trying to shake your hand."

"It's ok. I'm used to that."

"Hey, guys! What's shakin'?" A girl's voice called.

"Melinda! Hi!" Ella said.

You can just insert the usual girly, giggly chatter here. It lasted about 5 minutes, anyway.

"Oh, Melinda, this is Iggy."

I heard her step forward. "Hi, Iggy."

I had to hold my breath for a sec. Way to much perfume. How can Ella stand it? "Nice to meet you, Melinda."

"Ella told me about you. You're blind, right?"

I held back another sigh. "Yeah, that's me."

I could tell she was just as much, if not more interested in my blindness as Ella used to be. "Oh my goodness, what's it like to be blind, anyway?"


She laughed a high-pitched laugh. I had to resist covering my ears. "That's funny! Dark! Ella, you never told me he was so funny!"

"Uhhh...yeah. Iggy's funny...."

From the sound of it, this wasn't normal Melinda behavior.

I guess Nate had begun to feel left out. "Hey, so, anyway want to do an interview for my paper? I need something new for my political section. How about you, big guy?"

Did he just call me 'big guy'? "Ummm...I don't really-"

"Nate!" Melinda cut in. "No one wants to do an interview for you. All you ever do is twist everyone's words to fit your left-wing opnions."

"Hey! I have never twisted anyone's words! I just insert my opnion here or there. I am the editor, after all."

"Oh, gosh, Nate. Let's not do this, 'I'm the editor' thing again. It's dumb."

"Well, so's Bush, and we still listen to him, don't we?"

"Very funny, Nate. Turn everything into a dig against our president. You think you could have some respect for the leader of your own country."

"I should respect the guy who sent us into war?"

"What were we supposed to do, let Iraq bomb us?"

"Whatever. At least we'll be getting some change around here soon."

Melinda groaned. "Not that word, 'change' again! I'm so sick of hearing that word! I swear, every other word out of Obama's mouth is 'change'.

"At least we don't have to hear about Mcain's time as a POW anymore. That got old fast. Kinda like him."

"First of all, you should give Mcain some respect for risking his life for our country, and second, so what if he's a little...'mature'. At least he has some experience, unlike Osama. Oops, I mean Obama."

"Oh, please. Let's not play 'Word Association' here. And what does Mcain have experience with, anyway? Sarah Palin?"

"Not funny, Nate. Sarah Palin's a great woman! She's the one who can bring some real change around here."

"Yeah, like changing her daughter's kid's diapers."

"Nate, that's absolutely-"

"Guys!" Ella yelled. They shut up. "Come on, can't you have this debate some other time?"

"Yeah, like record it and stick it in that paper of yours." I suggested.

Suddenly, Nate was energetically shaking my hand. "You're a genius, Irving, a genius!"

"'s Iggy."

"Iggy! Of course! That's a good name for a genius!" I finally let go of my hand. "Come on, Melinda, let's go!"

I could smell Melinda coming before I heard her. "It was nice meeting you, Iggy."

"Nice meeting you, too, Melinda."

"Please, call me Linda. That blue shirt looks really nice on you, by the way."

"Ummm...thanks. Good to know, since I can't see it."

Oh, God, I set off that laugh again. "You're soooooo funny! I'll see you around. Oh, hey, Nate, I'll meet you outside. I've got a couple things to get."

Finally, I smelt the perfume slowly drift away.

"So, I'll see you around, Ella." I heard Nate say.

"Yeah, I'll see ya, Nate."

"May be I'll see you at the dance next Friday, down at the community center?"

Suddenly, my hearing was on hyper-alert. A dance?

"Uh, yeah, maybe." Ella answered.

"Save me a dance if you're there, Ella. I'd be happy to show you a few moves."

Show her a few moves? What the heck was that supposed to mean?

"Uh, sure, Nate. See ya."

"See ya."

I listened to him walk away, resisting the urge to follow him and demand exactly what 'moves' he wanted to show her. What a disgusting little flirt.

Ella and I walked the store in silence for a while, just commenting whenever we had to buy something. I didn't know what was with Ella, but I couldn't get my mind off that little twerp, Nate. Show her some moves. I'll show him some moves! Karate moves, that is. Wonder what that would do to that loser's pride, being beat up by a blind guy?

Finally, we left the store, a couple bags in each hand.

"So," said Ella, "want to get something to eat, Ig?"

"Of course." I answered. Now, I was juggling with two thoughts. Eat food, kill Nate, eat food, kill Nate, eat food, kill Nate. Eat food and kill Nate?

"Ummmm....Iggy?" Ella asked.

She snapped me out of my 'eat and kill' thoughts. "Yeah?"

"What did you think of Melinda?"

"Melinda?" I asked, puzzled. Why were we talking about her? "She was nice, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Well, she kind of smelled like she got hit with a perfume truck."

That got a laugh out of her. "Yeah, I think she thinks it makes her smell sexy or something."

I laughed. "Someone should tell her it's not working."

We walked in a slightly more comfortable silence for a while. Slightly more comfortable. There was still one more thought on my mind...

"Hey, Ella?"


"That Nate guy's kinda weird, huh?"

She laughed, surprisingly. "Kinda weird? Oh, gosh, he's a freaking handfull! He and his darn paper! And he'll pick a fight with anybody! He had a fight about politics once with some poor older lady outside the grocery store once. Another time, he made some little kid cry by saying that Dick Cheney shot Santa Clause. He can be a real ass sometimes, to tell you the truth."

I laughed. "Wow." I couldn't help but keep thinking, 'She thinks he's an ass, she thinks he's an ass!'

"Oh, hey, Ig! There's a great Chinese place down the road here."

"Sounds good to me. I'm starved."

"I guess politics and perfume can do that to you."

We both laughed all the way down the road.

She thinks he's an ass!

Ella's POV

He thinks she smells bad!

Wow, officially the shortest POV ever!

Ok, now I've mentioned it all. Politics, Sex, and Religion.

-braces self for all hell to break loose-

Good news is, maybe now that it's all out of my system, I can successfully avoid controversy for the rest of the story!

Fang: It's nice to dream, isn't it?

Me: Stop ruining my happiness, Fang!


23. Chapter 23: A Child's Perspective On Fax

Because I couldn't just write one chapter....

Fang: And because she's hoping to avoid controversy...

Me: -covers Fang's mouth- Here we go again!

Angel's POV

Fang and Max! Max and Fang! It was sooooo cute. They reminded me of a movie I watched, Cinderella. Well, kind of. Maybe they were more like Beauty and the Beast. Or Snow White.

Oh! I know! That song by Taylor Swift! Love Story!

Anyway, they were just perfect together. Max was kind of like the Flock's mom, and Fang was kind of like the dad, so it made sense. I guess me, Nudge, and Gazzy were kind of like their kids. I don't know what Iggy was, though. Maybe a really funny uncle?

Ok, I know when I first caught them in bed together, I kind of set a prank on them, but that's because it was funny! They hadn't meant to be in the same bed! But now, they were kind of like boyfriend and girlfriend or something, and that was really sweet. They totally belonged together.

I decided to go tell Nudge about it, 'cause I had to tell somebody! I found her outside, watching Dr. Martinez working in her garden.

"Hey, Nudge! Guess what? I was reading Fang's mind a little while ago and-"

"Angel! You shouldn't be reading Fang's mind! Isn't that kind of rude? People don't like it when you read their minds without them knowing. Hey, you don't read my mind, do you? You better not, or I'm gonna-"

"And Fang kissed Max!"

"WHAT?!?!" Suddenly, she was kneeling right next to me, eyes wide. "Oh my gosh, Angel, tell me everything! Everything! Are they, like dating now? Does Fang love Max? What'd they do? Oh, this is soooo cool! They are, like, totally perfect for each other! This is so sweet! Oh man, what will Iggy say? Poor Justin! I'm just kidding, but I bet he will say something funny about Justin! This is awesome! Tell me more, Angel, tell me!!"

"Ok!" I said. Nudge talked way too much sometimes. "Well, he kissed her for a long time, and they talked, and then Max got tired 'cause she's sick, so Fang tucked her in a laid down next to her and they fell asleep."

"That's soooo cute! He tucked her in? Who knew Fang could be so sweet?! Oh my gosh, what was Fang thinking, Angel? Was he thinking any really sweet thoughts? Like, really mushy stuff? oh my gosh, this could be sooo embarrasing for Fang!"

"I don't want to embarrass them..."

"Oh, don't worry, we won't embarrass them. I just have to know everything! Come on, Angel! Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

At some point, during Nudge's excitement, Dr. Martinez came over. "Hey, girl's what's so exciting over here?"

I jumped up to answer her. After all, Max was her daughter. I bet she'd really want to know that she was dating someone.

"Fang kissed Max and now they're sleeping together!" I stated excitedly.

Dr. Martinez turned a weird shade of white. They...what?

"Fang kissed Max and they're sleeping together!"

There goes that shade of white again. "I'm gonna, uh, go in and check on those two..." She began to run inside.

"But maybe they don't want to be checked on!" I yelled after her. "They're sleeping together in there!"

For some reason, this made her run faster.

"Wow, I wonder what's wrong with Dr. M." Nudge asked.

"Yeah, I thought she'd be happy.' I added.

Suddenly, we heard chuckling. I turned around to see Total laughing his head off.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, ha ha, n-nothing!" he contiuned to laugh.

Wow, everyone's really weird today!

"Fang kissed Max and now they're sleeping together!" say the craziest things......

Fang: -still struggling to escape-

Me: Ignore him...


24. Chapter 24: It's Not What You Think,Mom

I'm back......

Fang: Dun, dun, dun, dun.......

Me: And I'm trying to apply to a college, apply to a scholarship, and update 3 other fanfictions at the same time!

Fang: Not to mention planning and re-planning Cody's story.

Me: Yeah, I'm hoping to get money for college by writing my own story.

Fang: Problem is, you actually have to write it.

Me: Well, if Cody would just make up his mind...

Cody: Who, me? Your faithful OC?

Me: That rhymed!

Fang: Not again....

Me: Ok, I'll complain about my life problems on my Maximum-x blog. Anyway, where were we?

Fang: Angel had just made a very interesting comment that sent Dr. M running into the house, probably to rip my throat out.

Me: Oh, yeah! Throat-ripping outness!

Fang: Yeah. I'll just go hide somewhere....

Me: Why???

Fang: 'Cause I'm a ninja!

Me: -lol-

Fang's POV

So, you know how I mentioned that I kind of felt like I was in Heaven?

I just fell out of Heaven.


I finally know how Max feels when I jump her and wake her up. I shot up in bed, probably could've hit the ceiling if it wasn't for the fact that, when Max shot up also, she accidentely shoved me, which sent me flying out of bed, tangled in blankets. Unfortunately, she was also tangled in said blankets and went flying out of bed with me, landing us both on the floor, tangled in blankets, and staring up at a very angry Dr. Martinez, weilding a small gardening spade.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!" She yelled, holding the spade up.

Max stared up at her, still not fully awake. "Uhhhh....sleeping?"

This seemed to make her more furious. "Do you two know what Angel just told me?"

A couple more sarcastic answers went through my head, such as 'The British are coming!' or 'I've developed the power of invincibility!' but I decided now was not the time for sarcasm, so I just settled with the old standby, "I don't know, what?"

"She told me you two were sleeping together!"

It took a couple seconds for this to sink in. Sleeping together? Sleeping together.....Wait, WHAT?!

I quickly pulled my self out of the blankets, jumping to my feet and talking the whole time. "No, no, Dr. M! Not that kind of sleeping together! Actually sleeping together! Look, I'm still clothed, for crying out loud!"

Max pulled her self up as well. "Oh, you mean, you thought we were....oh my gosh...." I'd never seen that shade of red on Max's face before. "Mom, we're not doing that!"

I could see it was finally sinking in with Dr. M. She started laughing, putting her spade of doom back in her pocket. "Oh, you guys are just...I'm sorry! I should've known, with Angel saying it, I guess I just flipped. So sorry, you two." She laughed again, trying to help us untangle from the blankets.

When we finally were free and the blanket was back on the bed, we just stood there for a moment.

"Heh, heh, awkward!" Max finally said. She yawned. "Forget this, I'm going back to bed."

I nodded. "Yeah, I think I'll....get something to eat."

"And I'll go back out to the garden." Dr. Martinez said. "Sleep well, Max."

I nodded. "Yeah, sleep tight. Don't let the hobbits bite."

She just stuck her tounge out at me. I smiled. Sure, there were a lot of other ways I'd like to wish her good night, but with the current situation with Dr. M, I decided to keep it a little hands-off while she was there.

We both exited the room. Dr. Martinez shut the door behind us. She turned to me. "You know, Fang, I don't mind you and Max being....together. As long as you're not....together together. Ummm...that didn't make much sense, did it?" She laughed.

I laughed, too. "Don't worry, Dr. M, I get it."

She smiled and nodded. "That's good." She laughed again. "You know, Fang, if I had actually caught you with my daughter like that, I might have just, oh, I don't know, shoved this spade through you!" She laughed again. I didn't.

"That would've been terrible, huh?" She looked at me for an answer, her face suddenly serious. I just nodded.

She smiled. "Good. Glad to know we're...on the same page." I noticed her hand was in the pocket that held the spade. "See you later, Fang." She exited out the back door.

I just stood, temporarily frozen.

"Ok." I thought. "Now we know where Max gets her bloodthirsty protective instincts."

Note to self: Don't mess with the Vet.

The Blog


You are reading Fang's Blog!

You are Visitor Number: Oh, who the heck's keeping track, anyway.

Hey people, long time, no blog.

So, ummm...I've kinda got a......personal question. A normal guy question. You know, a question for all you normal guys out there.


Have any of you guys been threatened by your, uhhh....girlfriend's mom? Like, threatened to kill you?

If so, did she try to go through with it?

Not that I have any real reason for asking, of course. Just curious, yeah.

Ummmmm........Have any of you girls had a mom that threatened your boyfriend?

You know what, forget I asked.

Actually, no, don't.

I don't know, this relationship stuff sucks.

Not that I'm in one, just saying.

Anyway.....uhh.....Oh, I think Iggy likes Ella! And Ella likes Iggy!

Oh, and if Iggy gets on here saying he's having my child, ignore him.

Wait, did I already post about this, kind of?

Sorry, guys, I'm just having a bad day...yeah.

I'll try this again later.


The Blog

Hey, Fang, sounds like you've got a little relationship issue.....I heard Angel caught you and Max in bed.....

Which disgusts me, by the way, you cheating scumbag of a deadbeat dad!

How will I be able to raise poor little Justin when you're running around with strange women?!

No offense, Max....

And as for any rumors circulating about me and Ella, forget them. Fang's just being a loser.

Down with Campbell's!!


Oh my gosh, I totally had something to say right here!

But....I forgot it.

Darn teenage Alzheimer's....


25. Chapter 25: Blog Comments: Second Batch

Fang: I thought you were just writing one chapter.

Me: Yeah, but after the blog thing, I need two.

Fang's Blog


2kewl4u said: Fang and Max? Iggy has a kid? What?

Where's-The-Fire- said:

What the hell is going on over there? You guys on something? Why aren't you sharing?

Bomchickawowow said:

OMG, Angel caught Max and Fang in bed?? Wow, go Fang!

TheLittlestMonkey said:

Iggy's having a baby? I thought Iggy was a dude!

AreYouCopperbottumingum said:

Iggy is a dude. He's joking! I hope....

Hidanlvr said:

You guys are like me when I'm off my meds! Weeeeee!!!!! Anyone have any pocky?

Emo-ppl-r-kewl said:

-gives Hidanlvr pocky- So, Fang, being attacked by your girlfriend's mom, huh? Can't say that's ever happened to me, but I'd suggest getting some kind of armor protection or something. Moms in protective mode are dangerous.

St. Fang of Boredom said:

Ha ha, Fang! Look! Dr. Martinez is behind you! Ha, made you look! You're so cute sometimes, Fang....but not as cute as Embry.

LiveLaughLuv311 said:

Seth is cuter.....

St. Fang of Boredom said:

No, Embry is!

LiveLaughLuv311 said:


St. Fang of Boredom said:


LiveLaughLuv311 said:


St. Fang of Boredom said:


LiveLaughLuv311 said:


St. Fang of Boredom said:


LiveLaughLuv311 said:

Yay, monkeys!

PiperViper said:

Ok......Don't know when this became a Twilight thing.....anyway, I actually had a boyfriend that my mom hated. She scared him away. He was cute, I is sad.

RockerBoy4455673 said:

Dude, suck up to the mom so she won't kill you! Just treat Max like a lady and you'll be fine!

WhyIHaveBadGrades said:

I say you go back with Iggy and help raise Justin!

Livinonaprayer said:

Wow, lots of relationship stuff going on there! Why don't you guys go on a double date or something?



Me: Ok, now I can post this!

Fang: Great....

Me: Along with.....

Update for Job Listings

Update for the Poetry Corner

New Story!

Fang: Great.....the new story....

Me: I like my new little oneshot!

Fang: Whatever....

Me: Ninja....

Fang: Shut up....


26. Chapter 26: Let's Play Connect The Dots!

Wow, I'm totally having writer's block on what I should write here. Fang? Suggestions?

Fang: Ummmm.....poll?

Me: Oh, I have a poll up! But it's for my other fanfiction, Fly By Twilight.

Fang: We're being invaded.

Me: A class is coming in!

Fang: Who's class?

Me: It's Ms. Spanish Teacher!

Fang: I hope this doesn't inspire poetry.

Me: Nah, not today. Today's an Avian Flu Day!

Fang: That does not sound good.

Me: Oh, and an announcement that I must make 'cause I'm a proud aunt! I have a new baby niece, Matilda!!!!

Fang: Much W00tness.

Me: I should teach her to write fanfiction someday.

Fang: God forbid.

Me: One more note. To 'Person': Por Favor is Spanish. It could be Italian, too, because both languages are close, but it is Spanish. Trust me, my Spanish teacher drilled it into me. Just letting you know.

Fang's POV

It was early. Way too early for a sane person to be up. But then again, nothing around here had been quite sane lately, so why not get up at five-fifteen in the morning? I couldn't sleep, anyway.

The first thing that surprised me was that Iggy wasn't in the kitchen. He was always in the kitchen. But then again, he had to sleep too, right?

I was just pouring a cup of orange juice when, suddenly, someone ran right into me, almost knocking me over.

"Woah! Hey! Pouring juice here!"

I heard Max's laugh as she wrapped her arms around me in a small hug.

"Guess what, Fang?"

"Do I want to know?"


"Good or bad news?"


I thought for a second. "We're shipping Justin to an orphange in Russia."

She rolled her eyes. "Very funny."

"Alright then, what?"

"Mom gave me a clean bill of health last night."


Max made a weird face. "And she tried to give me a talk on the birds and the bees."

"Oh, uhhh.....weird." I poured two cups of orange juice. "A toast! To your good health, Maximum!"

She took a cup of juice. "Oh, how sophisticated, Fang."

"Pssh, Fang wouldn't know sophistication if it bit him on the nose." Total said, trotting in. "Is it time for breakfast yet?"

"It's five-twenty-three in the morning."

"Then what the hell are you two doing up?" Total shook his head. "I'm going back to the couch."

Suddenly, Gazzy came running in, almost tripping over Total. "Hey!" Total exclaimed, glaring at him.

Gazzy ignored him. "Max! Fang! I think something's wrong with Iggy!"

"What do you mean, Gaz?" Max asked, kneeling down on his level.

"Well, he......he's......he....come and see!" he grabbed Max's hand, trying to pull her to his room.

A thought struck me at that moment that if Iggy was actually having a male child named Justin right now, I would change my name to Esteban and move to Zimbabwe. But I shook that thought off and blamed my lack of sleep for it.

Dr. Martinez walked into the room as I was contemplating the flying conditions in Zimbabwe. "Gazzy? What's up? I heard you run by my room."

"Something's up with Iggy! Come see!"

So, we followed Gazzy to his room, where Iggy was lying in his bed, covers up over his head.

"Wow, Gazzy, you're right! Iggy turned into a lazy pile of blankets!"

Max elbowed me in the ribs. "Shut up, smartass."

I just grinned.

We followed Dr. Martinez over to his bed. She slowly pulled the covers back off of his head.

And I burst into laughter.

"Fang, this isn't funny."


"Fang, stop."

"Is Iggy gonna die?"

"No, Gazzy, he'll be alright." Dr. Martinez reassured him.

"I might d-die.....of laughter."




"Errr...what?" Iggy said, starting to wake up.

"Iggy? How are you feeling, hun?" Dr. M asked him.

"Tired......why is Fang laughing?"


"Me? Me, what?"


"Fang, spit it out!"

"Y-your face!"

"My face?"

"You look like- Oh, Gosh, Max, get a marker! We'll play connect the dots!"

Max just glared at me.

"What's going on?" Iggy asked, scratching his arm. Then, his shoulder. His neck. His other arm. "What do I have? Fleas?"

Dr. Martinez sighed, pulling Iggy's arm away from where he was scratching the other. "No, chickenpox."

This brought on a whole new bout of laughter from me.

"Oh my Gosh, I had Avian Flu and he has chickenpox?! This is hilarious!"

"You seem to be the only one of that opinion." Max muttered.

"So much for having a disease-free household." Dr. Martinez sighed. "We're going to have to find another room for Gazzy to stay now."

Gazzy jumped. "Why?"

"Well, though you can only get it once in your life, usually, chickenpox is highly contagious."

I stopped laughing and started inching away from Iggy's bed. "You could've said something sooner..."

"Well, I would've, but I couldn't speak over someone's laughter,"


"Yeah, I'm outta here. Feel better soon, Iggy. And don't worry, I'll make sure Justin gets to his Russian orphanage." I ran out.

"Hey!" Iggy yelled after me. "Don't you go near Justin! Just send the child support to my room! Deadbeat Dad!!!!"

Great, a delirious Iggy. This is going to be interesting...

Fang: It never ends, does it?

Me: It's like the Circle of Sickness.

So, I could add a couple other things, but I want to go eat my lunch. Plus, the library's getting crowded.

Fang: Did you say 'lunch'?

Me: He's got his mind on one thing....

Fang: Two, actually. Lunch and Escape.

Me: You only get one.

Fang: I choose escape.

Me: Sucks to be you, huh?

Fang: Grrrr....


27. Chapter 27: Stupid BackScratcher

My internet froze......-is very sad-

But, I can always update a fanfiction in the meantime!

My computer probably needs a reboot. Maybe I'll do that.

Fang: Saint? Why are you trying to kick your computer?

Me: I'm rebooting it!

Fang: I don't think that's how it works....

Me: Yeah, but it makes me feel better. Stupid computer....

Fang: Just write the fanfiction, Saint.

Me: Ok.....

Iggy's POV

"Alright, Ig, you can take the thermometer out now."

I took it out and gagged. "Yuck. Did you wash that after Fang used it?"



Dr. Martinez laughed. "Kidding, Iggy. It's not even the same one."

"Ha ha, very funny." I said, itching my arm.

She pulled my arms apart. "Iggy, you need to stop that."

"It itches!"

"If you scratch them, you'll get scars."

I shrugged. "What do I care? I can't see them."

"Girls can."

Ok, good point.

I sighed, flopping back on my pillows. "So, how long am I in solitary confinement for?"

"Well, actually, not too long. Ella's already had chickenpox, so I'm letting her come in." I felt a bit better already. "Plus, there's a shot to prevent chickenpox that the others can, and probably should, get. Then they can come in, too."

"Ummmm....a shot?"

"Yeah, a shot. Why? You don't have to get it."

"Yeah, but do you seriously think you're going to talk Fang into getting a shot?"

"What, is Fang needlephobic?"

"A bit."

"A bit?"

"Ok, more than a bit." Fang did not have a good track record with needles. Hey, who can blame him? After growing up in the School, all of us had some needle issues.

Of course, he's the only one of us that had to get stuck with a needle 10 times in a row.

It's a long story, but, basically, when Fang was about 6, they tried to give him some kind of shot. For some reason, Fang just felt like being a real pain-in-the-ass that day, so, every time they stuck him with a needle, he'd just yank it right back out. Well, they went through ths nine times before the scientists got totally fed up. They grabbed Fang, held him down on a table, took out this huge needle and waved it in his face, to taunt him, I guess, then shoved it in his arm.

Yeah, so Fang's needlephobic.

"Well, maybe we can sneak up on him." Dr. Martinez said jokingly.

"Or he could just not come in here." I added. "It's more likely."

"I'm sure if we explained it to him-"

"He'd agree not to come in here."

She sighed. "Oh, whatever. We'll burn that bridge when we come to it. So, you need anything, Iggy? Hungry?"

"Surprisingly, no." I answered. "Wait, who's doing the cooking now while you're at work?"

"Ella. You taught her some cooking stuff."

"The basics." I shrugged. "Whatever. Maybe I'll just take a nap. If I'm lucky, I'll meet Fang and Max's friends, Spooky and Piffy."

"Spiffy and Pooky."

"Whatever." I curled up under my blankets.

"Alright, well, I'll be back later. If you need anything, call Ella." I heard her start to walk out, then stop. "And please, Iggy, try not to itch. I'll bring back something to help with that."

"Yep." I said, sleepily.

I heard her footsteps go out of the room. She shut the door. I waited for her footsteps to make it all the way down the hall.

Then, I started a mad search for something to scratch my back with.

I'm telling you, chickenpox is the most maddening disease on the planet. Everything itches. I cannot believe Dr. M actually wants me to try to stop itching! Has she ever had chickenpox? Obviously not, or she wouldn't give such a stupid order.

I started to get up to look for something to help with the scratching, but I guess I got up too fast. Major dizzyness. And, in case you're wondering how the blind guy gets dizzy, I just get kind of light-headed and feel the need to lie right back down, which I did.

I closed my eyes and rested for a minute. Yeah, I know the blind kid doesn't need to close his eyes just to rest, but call it a habit.

After a minute, I was able to get up and begin my search. I think I searched for 15 minutes, finding everything but some kind of back-scratcher. I found some clothes, a soccer ball, stuffed animals, a bag of what I think was ramen noodles, even a pink flamingo lawn ornament. No idea what that was doing here.

Finally, I just reached out, literally blindly, and grabbed something long and brown, sticking out just like someone was handing it to me.

"It's a back-scratcher."

I jumped. "Who was that?"

"Oh, hey, heh heh, I forgot, you're blind. Hi, I'm Spiffy!"


"Yeah, ya know, the Hobbit Named Spiffy of the Great Jello-Catapult of Doom." he said. "And Pooky the Penguin is here, too."

"Heya!" said another voice.

"Wh-what are you two doing here?" I asked.

"Well, since Fang and Max are well now, they don't believe in us anymore, so we came to visit you!"


"Hey." Said Pooky. "Why don't you try that back-scratcher?"

I tried using the back-scratcher, but it just wasn't working for me. "It still freaking itches!"

"It's a back-scratcher, not a magic wand." Spiffy stated.

"Good point."

Suddenly, I heard a baby's cry. "What was that?"

"Justin. Pooky's rockng him."


"Yeah, you know, your child!"

"How did that happen?"

"Oh, come on, Iggy! Please, don't tell me you don't know how nature works!"

"I know how nature works, b-but I don't remember even having a child!"

"It was a C-section."

"Wouldn't I remember that?"

"They knocked you out."

"Wouldn't I have a scar?"

"You can't see it."

"True, but I would feel it."

"You heal fast."


I tried using the back-scratcher again, but it just wasn't working right. Frustrating.

Suddenly, I heard heavy breathing behind me.

"Who's there?"

"Iggy, I am your father."

"No you're not! I've met my father, and he sounds nothing like you!"

"Uhhhh....Iggy, I am your....Uncle!"

"Yeah, right, you just want my back-scratcher!"

"Give me the back-scratcher, earthling."

"No! This back-scratcher been like a back-scratcher to me!"

"Give me the back-scratcher, or the girl gets it."

"The girl?"



"If you don't give me the back-scratcher, I will do something evil to her."

"Like what?"

"I will say 'Ni' to her."


"Ni! Ni!"


"Let Ella go! Let her go!"


"Ella!" I yelled, shooting out of bed.

Wait a sec, I'm in bed?

"Ummm...hi, Iggy."

"Oh, uhh...Ella. What-"

"You were sleeping."


"Yeah, and having an.....interesting dream, too. You started talking about C-sections and back-scratchers, then, you started yelling my name."

"Yeah, Darth Vader kidnapped you."


"Nevermind. Watcha doin' in here, anyway?"

"Checking on you." she answered. I felt her sit down on the bed next to me.

"Oh." Gosh, I felt pretty warm just then. Stupid fever.

"So, how are you feeling? Need anything?"

"Yeah, my dream back-scratcher."

She laughed. She had the most awesome laugh. "I'll see what I can do. You want something to eat in the meantime? Chicken soup?"

"Depends. Is it the 'sploosh sound' kind?"

She laughed again. Man, that fever was making me warm! "No, your leftover homemade."

"Alright, I'll have a bit."

"Good. I'll be back in a bit. You call me if Darth Vader comes back."


I should've asked for an ice pack, too. My face felt really warm.

Ok, feel the need to mention:

-'Burn That Bridge When We Come To It' is a song by Jimmy Buffett. Don't know who he is? If you've seen the movie 'Hoot', you've heard a Jimmy Buffett song. Oh, just YouTube him.

-'Ni' is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

-'This back-scratcher's been like a back-scratcher to me!' is from Weird Al's Albuquerque. Real words: 'That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!'

Another note......

Look up 'Fang's Crazy, Feverish World of Delusions' by airtrafficstreams. It's a freaking hilarious oneshot! I think if you like this story, you'll like that one.


28. Chapter 28: Guys Don't Faint

Me: Posting time! -goes to pull out notebook- -doesn't find it- Hey!!

Fang: -laughs- You're notebook is entertaining...

Me: You stole my notebook!

Fang: Well, yeah, I get bored, too. And I like reading your 'notes to self'.

Me: Why?

Fang: Why did you write 'Google Cambodian Fertility Dances' in your notebook?

Me: Why do you think?

Fang: Uhhhh.....

Me: I'm kidding. It's for our play. Long story. Right now, I have chapters to post and free time!

Fang: What does a Cambodian Fertility Dance look like?

Me: Why? You want to learn one?

Fang: No! I'm just curious!

Me: Well, first, you need a couple coconuts....

Fang's POV

Do you ever get that sinking feeling that something bad is going to happen?

Dr. Martinez had come into my room this morning, woke me up, and told me we were 'going for a ride' today. Like that wasn't creepy enough, when I went into the kitchen for breakfast, everyone (besides Iggy and Ella, who weren't there) looked at me, then quickly looked away. And when they went back to their conversation, it was more reserved, like they were...hiding something.

I was beginning to wonder if something was wrong. I pondered the possibilities as we went for our 'ride'. Was someone dying? Was I dying? They'd tell me if I was dying, right? Or maybe they're just driving me out to the country to put me out of my misery. I wondered what I was dying of. AIDS? Yeah, Iggy gave me AIDS, which is how he got pregnant with Justin. But I don't remember that! Oh, he probably drugged me or something.

I shook my head. What am I thinking? I blamed my lack of sleep again. Maybe I need to start going to bed earlier.

That's when we pulled into our destination:

A hospital.

Oh, they couldn't just bring me out in the woods and shoot me. They were putting me to sleep.

"Fang, are you ok?" Nudge asked.

"No, I'm not ok. I want to know what this little joyride is all about!"

Dr. Martinez sighed, pulling into a parking space. "Fang, with Iggy having chickenpox, I thought it might be a good idea for you all to get the chickenpox vaccine."

I stared.

"You know, a shot."

I rolled my eyes. I know what a vaccine is, I just want to know why you put me through this little charade. 'Going for a ride'. Jeez. I thought, well.......nevermind what I thought."

Now everyone was looking at me. "Well, Fang," Dr. Martinez said, "Everyone gave me the impression that you were a bit...well..."



"Needlephobic? You'd think, being a doctor, you could use the actual word, Aichmophobia."

"I'm a veterinarian."

"Sure, use excuses..."

"Very funny, Fang. So, are you going to be ok with this?"


"Are you sure?" Max asked.

"Sure I'm sure. Now, let's cut the questioning and get going, huh?" I said, opening the van door.

I thought about the whole deal in the waiting room. Needlephobic? Me? Oh, come on! Maybe a bit.......Cage-phobic? Claustraphobic? But not needlephobic. Ok, sure, there was that little incident when I was 6, but that was years ago. I'm over it. Gosh, these guys just can't forget some stupid little fear I had as a kid! Needles? Shots? No problem. Sure, they were pointy, sharp. They injected foreign liquids into your body. They were big. Long. Penetrated your skin. Hurt. And then the sick freak of a whitecoat would laugh evilly and stab you with it a couple more times. And-

"Martinez?" A nurse said. "You can all go in to see the doctor now."

Suddenly, I felt sick.

They filed us into a room, where one of Satan's Spawn, a whitecoat, was standing there, smiling. Sick freak.

There weren't enough seats for all of us to sit, so we let Dr. M, Angel, and Nudge sit, while Max, Gazzy, and I stood.

"So," said our friendly, neighborhood, bitch from hell whitcoat, "Who wants to go first?" She was still smiling. She sickened me.

Max walked over. Poor, brave Max. I could almost hear taps playing in the background. "Alright, let's get this over with." She held out her arm. "Hit me with your best shot, Doc."

The doctor had Max sit down on that stupid, paper-lined table they have. Then, she turned toward the counter and grabbed the ultimate torture device.

The needle.

She wiped something on Max's arm, then......BAM!

Why did I watch that?

She put a dinky little band-aid on Max's arm and sent her back to stand with us.

"Who's next?" She said, like a cheery fairy from hell.

I made sure I knew where the nearest trash can was. I was beginning to feel seriously sick.

Nudge was the next brave warrior. I had told myself not to watch, but it was like a car wreck. I had to look.

Gazzy went after. He looked like he was holding back tears, the brave little guy.

I wiped the sweat off of my forehead.

Angel, little Angel went up, clinging to Celeste. Max went with her.

When I heard her give a little cry, my head started to swim.

Max escorted her back to her chair and knelt down next to her.

"Last, but not least." the doctor said, in that annoyingly cheerful voice.

It took a second for it to sink in that it was me she was talking about.

"Come on up and take a seat." said Satan's Spawn, patting a place on the table.

I took a deep breath and took two steps toward her. One....Two....


I blinked a couple of times, trying to get my eyes to focus. "Huh? Max?"

"Oh, Fang." She was stroking my hair back. I, meanwhile, was lying on a floor. A cold, hard floor.

"Where am I?"

"Oh, is he awake?" I heard an unfamiliar voice say. "The poor thing."

Suddenly, a face came into view. The face of Satan's Spawn. The whole ordeal came rushing back to me.

"Hey! What happened? Did she hit me?" I started pulling myself up.

I got into a sitting position, but Max stopped me from actually getting up. "No, Fang, you fainted."

I stared at her. "No I didn't."

"Uhhh, yeah, Fang, you did."

"Guys don't faint."

Max sighed, rolling her eyes. "Fine, then. You passed out, became unconcious, went into a tempoary comatose state. Whatever. Are you ok now?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

I heard Dr. Martinez give a short laugh. "Fang, I thought you said you were over your needlephobia!"

"Hey, I am! Maybe I'm just.......dehydrated."

Max let out an exasperated groan.

That's when Miss Whitecoat from Hades came back over. "Maybe we should just get this over with, shall we?" She lifted her hand.

It was holding the needle.

Max looked at me. "Well, Fang?"


"Fang, you're over your needlephobia, remember?"

"It'll just take a quick second, dear." The Doctor said in that cheerily sick way of hers. She came toward me with the needle.

My head started swimming again. "Max, get her away from me..."


"I think I'm gonna be sick."


A little while later, we were all in the crowded van, happily vaccinated against the evils of chickenpox.

Well, except for me. I was curled up in a corner of the farthest back seat, still feeling slightly sick and nursing my bruised and mangled pride.

Plus, I didn't get the damn shot.

"You know, Fang, it's ok."

"Leave me alone."

"We don't blame you."

"Just drop it."

"I didn't think you fainted. You actually kind of just crumpled up on the floor. That's different."

"Oh, thanks, Gazzy."

"Fang, we still love you."

"I wish you'd just taken me out to the country and shot me."



Me: Yes, I had to go and look up the actual word for needlephobia. Actually, there's a couple different words, but I picked that one. Anyway, Fang? Comments?

Fang: I am not that pathetic.

Me: You sure?

Fang: Sure I'm sure.

Me: -pulls out needle- Sure???

Fang: Put that down!

Me: Fang...needle...

Fang: Hey, careful, you could stab yourself with that!

Me: -throws needle backwards- AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -jumps into Fang's arms- Scary needle.....

Fang: -sighs- Yes, scary needle......

R&R? And, could somebody get rid of the scary needle?

29. Chapter 29: Night Quills

Here I am, all you lucky people!!

LOL, that's what my mom says when she walks into a room.......right before she becomes totally pissed.

Anyway....I think it's time for another chapter of Avian Bird Flu!!!!!

Fang: Joyous.......

Me: Fang, does anything make you happy?

Fang: Sure. Freedom, food, freedom, sleeping, freedom, blogging, freedom, listening to music, freedom.

Me: Ok, we get the freedom.

Fang: Reading, flying, running, swimming, free food, The Summer Obsession, soda, Max, the color black, MTV, hawks-

Me: Did you say Max?

Fang: No.

Me: Awwww....does Fangy need some Fax time???

Fang: STFU.

Me: Now he's threatening me with internet speak. Soooo scary, Fang. My bunny slippers just ran for cover.

Fang: I ate your bunny slippers.

Me: Bad, Fang! -whacks with rolled-up newspaper-

Fang: Ow! I was kidding!

Me: You should've specified....Sometimes having you around is like having another pet....

Fang: Woof.

Fang's POV

I checked the time on my clock. Twelve-Twenty Four.


I had gone to bed around 11-something, but, once again, I was wide awake about an hour later. This had been going on fairly frequently now, and was beginning to get on my nerves. Not to mention, it was leading to some rather loopy thoughts during the day. For instance, yesterday, I had been making waffles for breakfast, when it suddenly occured to me, 'Why do waffles have little squares all over them?' I spent a good 15 minutes analyzing the many reasons waffles could have squares in them, including such things as, 'So you can put syrup into each square evenly', 'So the waffle will stay together better', and 'Because God opened the Heavens and yelled, 'Put some damn squares on yo waffles, foo!' At the last one, I started snickering at the idea of God being a gangsta, and Max had come in and wanted to know why I thought burning a waffle was so funny.

I needed sleep.

I contemplated going into Max's room and sleeping there, thinking sleeping in a different room might do the trick. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that sleeping in a room with Max might lead more towards a lack of sleep. At least I'd have a reason to stay awake, though.

The awkward questions in the morning could be a problem, though.

I thought about the couch, 'till I remembered Dr. M was still up watching TV out there. Actually, Max might still be up, too, making going in her room even less enjoyable.

Oh, man, if Dr. Martinez ever develops the power to read minds, I am so dead.

That's when a thought popped into my head. Hey, maybe Dr. M has some kind of sleeping pills around here!

I crawled out of bed and started out for the bedroom as quietly as I could, not wanting to wake anyone. I flicked on the bathroom lights and headed straight for the medicine cabinet. In a hurry to find something to get me to sleep, I flung the cabinet door open.

And was attacked by flying meds.

"Woah!" The bottles and boxes came pouring out of that thing at me. I hoped nobody had heard the noise. What the heck do they use all this stuff for?! Was Dr. Martinez secretly running some kind of prescription drug cartel? I shook my head. Another random thought. I needed sleep meds!

I began sifting through the stuff. I found the typical Tylenol, Allergy stuff, some eye drops. There was a spray for sore throats, loads of vitamins, and a tube of sunscreen. I found some stuff I didn't recognize. What the heck was Midol, anyway? That's when I came across something helpful.


I heard this stuff could knock people out in minutes. I quickly stuffed everything else back in the cabinet and shut the door before it could all fall out again.

I opened up the bottle, since it hadn't been used yet. I noticed it had words all over it, probably directions, but, as tired as I was, it looked like a bunch of gibberish. I just stared at the open bottle for a minute. How much of this am I supposed to take? Well, it had a little cup thingy with it, but I wasn't sure how many of those I was supposed to have. So, I started trying to count up the days that I hadn't gotten sleep.

"Let's see, tonight, obviously, yesterday, ummmm....the day before. That's three. The day before that....Oh, the day of the....shot. Five. The day before that. The day Iggy got sick. The day before that...I think. Ok, so that's, like, eight.

I stared at the bottle again. All this dosage stuff was too confusing for this time of night. I gave the stuff a sniff. Ugh. I'd want to get this stuff down fast, or I might gag it up.

So I just shrugged, put the bottle to my lips, and drank about, oh, say...


Max's POV

"Max, why don't you go to bed?" Mom asked me.

I stifled a yawn. "Aw, come on! How will I ever know how the movie it ends?"

"The dog dies."

"Oh, sure, thanks for ruining it for me." I yawned again. "Yeah, maybe I-"

I heard a noise in the hallway, sounded like someone knocked over Mom's plant. I looked around the couch, trying to see anything in the dark. Suddenly, I heard Fang's voice.

"Hey, is my room that way? Oh, no it's not!!" He started giggling.

"Fang?" I called. "You ok?"

Fang came around the corner, holding onto the wall to keep himself up. "Hey, Max! Maxy! Maxeemum!"

"Uh. Fang? What are you doing up?" Mom asked.

He shakingly pointed a finger at her. "What are you doing up?"

Mom got up and I followed. "Fang, are you alright?" Mom asked, putting a hand on his forehead.

He batted it away. "I'm fine. Final. Final fin fine." He started giggling again.

"Sure, Fang, and I'm Marilyn Monroe." I said. I turned to Mom. "Does he have a fever?"

She shook her head. "No, but may-"

"You're as pretty as Moneryn Manlow. Marylow Monryn. That girl." Fang, said, jumping in front of me. "Prettier."

"Uhhh...Thanks, Fang." I put my hand to his head. "You're right, Mom, no fever."

Fang stuck his hand on my head, nearly covering my eyes. "Do you have a fever? Nope, you're just hot." He started laughing.

I pulled his hand off of my head. "Ok, Fang, cut it out."

"Hey! Hey, Dr. M! You got a spade?"

Mom raised an eyebrow. "No...."

"Good." Fang practically jumped on me, trying to give me a hug. "Ok, Max, she doesn't have a spade. My room or hers?"

WTF? I quickly tried to pry him off of me. "Fang, what the heck has gotten into you?"

"Night Quills."

I stared. "Huh?"

"Night Quills!" He started laughing again. "Hey, Max, you and me and the cops should go yelling and see if we can wake up the Flock before the neighbors show up. Bring Spiffy and Pooky!" He started running for the door.

Mom and I grabbed him. "Fang, you need to calm down and take a seat for a minute." Mom said, trying to drag him over to the couch.

"But I don'wannago." Fang whined, slurring his words a bit. "I don't wanna seat down and calm for a minute."

"Do you think he's sick, even without the fever?" I asked, trying to help Mom drag him over. "Maybe he's just starting to catch Iggy's chickenpox?"

Before Mom could answer, Fang cut in again. "Chickenpox! Iggy ate the chicken's pox!"

"Fang, please-"

"But what about Justin? Oh, I'm such a dadbeat dead!" Before either of us could think, he broke away and ran down the hall, flinging the door to Iggy's room open.

Oh, great.

Iggy's POV

So, I had just barely started to fall asleep, after spending the majority of the night telling myself not to itch while trying to ignore the disgusting smell of the anti-itch creme, when my door flew open.

"Hey, what's-" I started to say, but then was pounced on by something very large and heavy.

"Iggy! Spit out the chicken's pox!"

"Fang?" I asked, confused. "What are you-"

"I'm sorry I'm a beatdad dead. I'll try to get Justy out of the Orphan Russianage."

Ok..."Fang, are you feeling alright?" Was I having another weird dream?

"Iggy! You're so caring! I lovest you!!!" Suddenly, I was being hugged. Crushed, really.

"Ow, Fang...le' go...."

"Fang!" I heard Max yell by the door. I heard Dr. Martinez's footsteps close behind hers.

Fang let out the most girlish shriek I'd ever heard from a guy's mouth. "Maxy! It's not what you think!!" He finally let go of me, bursting into laughter.

"Fang?" I asked, rubbing my arms where he had squeezed them. "What are you, drunk?"

"I swear to drunk I'm not God!" He yelled out, right before bursting into laughter again.

"Guys..." I said to Max and Dr. M. "What's up with him?"

"No clue, Ig." Dr. Martinez answered.

"Well, whatever he's on, I want some." I joked. "Now, get him out of here in case he's got something contagious. I have enough problems."

I heard Max start to approach the bed, but not in time to stop Fang from laughing himself right off of it.

"Max! I've fallen and I can't get up!" Fang yelled from the floor. The kid was still laughing, for crying out loud!

I heard Max come over and pull him to his feet. "Come on, Fang. Let's go to bed."

"Sorry, Iggy. I've gotta go." Fang said. "Max wants me in bed."

I heard Max groan. I laughed. "Yeah, Max, you have fun with that."

"What's going on?" I heard a sleepy, sounding Angel call from the door.

"Angel!" Fang yelled. "Go wake up the cops and tell them to go after the crazy neighbors! Bring cheese and-" His voice was stifled by what I guess must've been Max's hand.

"It's alright, Angel." Dr. M called.

"Hey, I'll bring Fang to bed." Max said. "You can go take care of Angel, Mom."

"Alright, if you can handle him."

"I've got him."

I rolled over, yawning. "And I'll stay here and hold down the fort. Night, all."

As they left the room, I heard Fang say, "Max, let's bed to go 'cause spade Martinez doesn't have a doctor."

Yeah, so not dealing with that.

Max's POV

I dragged Fang into his room, shutting the door behind us in hopes it might prevent him from trying to escape.

"Come on, Fang, how about you lay down on the-"

He grabbed me in another hug. "Ok, lay down on the bed." He pulled me down onto the bed with him. "Max, we're in bed!"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I noticed." I struggled out of his grip. "Fang, you need to go to sleep."

"But I don't wanna sleep..." Then, he kissed me. Or, he tried to. He had his lips on mine for about fifteen seconds before I pushed him away. Kissing Loopy-Fang was not the same as kissing Normal-Fang. Plus, his mouth tasted funny.

"Fang, stop it."

"Max!" He said, sitting up. "I love you."

"I know, Fang."

He stretched his arms out wide. "I love you this much!"

Oh, this sounded familiar...

"I love you more than cheese. And other foods." He thought for a second. "And Iggy. I don't even really love Iggy, except as, like, a sister or something. A siblingy thing. I don't know where Justin came from."

"That's....nice, Fang." A sister? Oh, I've gotta tell Iggy that one!

"But, I love you, anyways." He yawned. "Let's have kids someday."

Don't scream, Max, don't scream! "Heh, heh, y-yeah, Fang. Someday...."

"Yeah, we'll name one Michael. I like that name. We'll call him Mikey. Yeah..." He slowly lowered himself onto the bed, muttering. "Spiffy can be his Godfather..."

"Sure, Fang." I said, stroking his hair. "Whatever you want."

"Mmmmhhh...Love ya, Max."

"I love you, too, Fang. Even if you are on something."

I had no response that time. His breathing evened out, he was lying still, in perfect silence. Finally, asleep.

Just as I was pulling the blankets over him, Mom opened the door. "Max?"

"Shhh. Sleeping beauty just dozed off."

She smiled. "Ahhh, that makes sense."

I looked up at her. "What do you mean?"

"I found this in the sink in the bathroom." She said, holding up a bottle. "It's his Night Quills."


She turned the bottle around to show the front label.

"Oh, Nyquil."

You are reading: Fang's Blog (Which has been temporarily taken over by Iggy.)

You are visitor number: Cheese!!!!!

Hey, peoples!

So, it's Oh-Five-Nine in the morning, and I'm telling to blog you that Nyquil got into Fang last night.

Fang roomed into my jump and screaming started about 'Justy and the Orphan Russianage'.

I was pox with the chickensick, and didn't want to scream to any listening.

I drunked him if he was asked and he yelled, "I swear to drunk I'm not God!"

He was backing a lot of talkward talk.

Talkward back is annoying.

No under can onestand it.

Anyway, bed took him to Max.

Bed wanted to go to Max with Fang.

I just slept over and went to roll.

F**k is Fanged up.



Me: Let's see how many people can read that....

Fang: What is Midol, anyway?

Me:'s.....well, Fang.....ummmmmm.....Oh, hey! I need to put a thank you in here for my friend, Andrew, who gave me the quote, 'I swear to drunk I'm not God!'

Fang: But what about-

Me: So, you guys R&R, now! I've gotta....write blog comments!! -runs away-

Fang: -sigh-

You know what to do....

30. Chapter 30: Blog Comment: Revisited

Me: -is hiding from Fang to avoid answering question-

Fang's Blog


Jackson 5 said:

Where's-the-Fire said:

You guys are sharing the drugs, right?

I'maprettybirdy!! said:

Talkwards Back....Backwards talk! I get it!!

LoopyLily said:

Orphan Russianage.....LOL!

DeeDee11 said:

Cheese? Again?

AreYouCopperbottumingum said:

Max and Fang are what? Or should I say, Fang what Max are and?

St. Fang of Boredom said:

Nyquil is the awesomest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hidanlvr said:

Nyquil is better than cheese.

LiveLaughLuv311 said:

But not better than Seth.

Crazi Fang said:

Or Cola.

St. Fang of Boredom said:

Weeeee!!!! Drugs, werewolves, and soda!! Sounds like a messed-up ff.......

DoopDeeDoo said:

Why am I visitor number 'cheese'?

Emo-ppl-r-kewl said:

Everyone is cheese!!

Terribly Wonderful said:

What kind of cheese are we?

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

Swiss cheese! Because Iggy is the Holy God of Hotness!! -worships Iggy-

NotSoHappilyEverAfter said:

Uhhh....Iggy's taken, remember? Ella has him.

Fang's-Executioner said:

That's a rumor.

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

Squee!!! It's Iggy!!!

Fang's-Executioner said: it's not!!! Really!

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

SQUEE!!!! -glomps- -huggles-

makemebad35 said:

Jimmy wants the cheese.

Fang: Saint? Where are you? Is it really that bad of a question?

31. Chapter 31: Don't Do Drugs! Give Hugs!

I just got MAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, I'm reading it.

Plus, I'm updating.

And my Mom says I can't multi-task......

Btw, as of now, I'm on page 33. No too far yet.

Now, a quick prayer.....

To God, the Patron Saint of Books, or whoever is listening.....

Please let this book be better than the last!!!!!!!!!!!! Please!!!!


Sorry, had to do that....

Spiffy and Pooky: -appear and take over- Hey! We took over chapter 6 of St. Fang's Poetry Corner!!! Go check it out! -disappear-

Me: What was that all about?

Fang: -shrugs- No clue....

Me: My own fanfiction, my own OCs, and I have no clue what's going on.......Is that weird?

Fang: Slightly...

Me: -sigh-

Fang's POV


Ow, ow, ow.


I was beginning to expect to hear a little voice of my own inside my head, it hurt so much. I had pulled the blankets up over my head. I wished I could just fall back to sleep until this freaking migraine went away. Unfortunately, that was the thing about really bad headaches; they would never let you sleep when you needed it most.

I could hear people moving around outside. Must be about time to get up. Great. Max was going to come in here all worried that I was, like, dying or something. Maybe then they'll take me out in the woods and shoot me. At this point, I could care less. At least, if they shot me, I wouldn't have a freaking headache anymore.

That's when I heard the door open. "Fang?" Max's voice whispered. "You ok?"

Oh, just perfect.

Hearing her voice just made my head hurt worse. I didn't feel like answering.

She sat down on the bed, putting her hand on me. "Fang, you awake yet?"

I realized she wasn't leaving without an answer, but all I could get out was a, "Errr....uh...huh."

I thought I heard her snicker, but I wasn't sure. "Head hurt?"

How did she know? "Uhh, yeah."

"Yeah, Mom thought you might not feel too well when you woke up." She laughed. "That'll teach you to go sneaking through the medicine cabinet at night."

The medicine cabinet? Oh, yeah, I had been looking for sleep meds. I remember that now. And I'd found some, Nyquil or something, I'd taken it and.......what did I do? Hey, how'd I get in bed, anyway? Wait, how do Max and Dr. M know?

I felt Max get back up. "I'll just let you sleep, Fang." She started to walk out, but when she got to the door, she stopped. "Oh, and Fang? If you're naming one Michael, we're naming the girl Abigail." She shut the door.


Was this whole house losing it, or was it me?

And why did I get the feeling it was me?


I had finally got myself to fall back to sleep, but it didn't last long. Once again, I had probably been asleep for about an hour and hadn't been able to stay that way. I was beginning to think I was becoming an insomniac.

Of course, it could have something to do with the little blond-haired eight-year-old staring at me.

I rubbed my eyes tiredly, trying to get them to focus. Yep, he was there, staring at me. "Gazzy, what is it?"

"Fang, are you on drugs?"

Huh? "No."

"I heard Dr. Martinez and Max talking, and they said you got into drugs."

"Gazzy, it's not like-"

"And I saw on TV, this guy did drugs, and he got really tired and slept a lot, and you're sleeping in today."

"Gazzy, I-"

"And the drugs made him sick a lot, but he was addicted to them and kept taking them. He was stealing and stuff to get them. He wore black a lot. You wear black."

"That doesn't mean I-"

"And he died Fang! The drugs killed him! I don't want you to die!"

"I'm not gonna die, Gaz."

"All drug addicts think they're not gonna die. I heard that. They think they're invisible. You turn invisible!"

"Gazzy, I think you mean, 'invincible'."

"Whatever. The drugs could still kill you, Fang. You shouldn't take them."

"Gazzy, it's ok! I'm not on drugs!"

".......Drug addicts lie a lot."

I sighed. "Alright, Gazzy, you're right. I won't do drugs, ok?"

"Ok, that's the first step."

Now what? "The first step?"

"Yeah, on the TV show, they said the first step to getting off drugs is admitting you have a problem."

What have I gotten myself into? "Gazzy-"

"The next step is getting help. I bet Dr. Martinez could sign you up for a support group or something."

Nyquil-aholics Anonymous? I held back a laugh. "Ok, I'll ask Dr. Martinez about it later."

He looked me straight in the eye. "Will you, Fang? Or are you lying to me again?"

"Really, Gaz."

"You sure?"

I sighed. "Ok, you go tell Dr. M I need a support group." If it got him to go away so I could sleep....

He nodded. "Ok, I will." He got up and started to run out the door, then stopped, turning back to me. "You know, doing drugs doesn't make you a good example for Justin."

If my head didn't hurt so much, I might've beaten it against a wall.

That kid's not allowed to watch TV anymore...

Iggy's POV

"So, Fang's a druggy now..." Ella said, coming in.

I nodded, laughing. "Yeah, he's so not getting custody of Justin now."

She sat down next to me on the bed, handing me a tray. "Soup's on!"

I got a whiff of the soup and grimaced. "Chicken noodle again? You'd think with the chickenpox, I'd have enough chicken."

She gave me a playful shove. "Hey, it's the only kind I know how to make. Give me a break."

Oh, Ella made this for me? Ella made it? I was automatically kicking myself for complaining. "Oh, well, it's ok! I like chicken noodle. Hey, this is the good homemade stuff, anyway! Not, like, Campbell's or something."

"I hope you like it."

"Of course I will." I answered. I decided to change the subject before I said anything else stupid. "So, uhhh....What's going on with life on the outside?"

"Pretty good." She said. "There's another dance at the Community Center coming up."

"Oh?" A couple questions were going through my head, like, 'Are you going?' and 'Who are you going with?' but I didn't want to just blurt that out. Once again, avoiding stupid comments.

"Yeah. I think I'll go, but I'm not sure who I'll go with. I mean, there's this one guy, T.J., who I know wants to go with me, but he's just so....ew."

Hmmm...T.J. What does that stand for? Total Jerk?

"Well, you know, Ig, the dance isn't for a while, and you might be healed up by then. You could come along with me, take a stab at normal teenage life. Besides, you're more entertaining than most of the guys at school."

Did she just say that?

Wait, let's rewind....


"Well, you know, Ig, the dance isn't for a while, and you might be healed up by then. You could come along with me, take a stab at normal teenage life. Besides, you're more entertaining than most of the guys at school."

Yep, she said it.

Ok, Iggy, let's process the information here. Yes, we've confirmed she said it and the brain has chosen a response. We are now sending the response from the brain to the vocal cords. Only problem is, your damn mouth has forgotten how to speak! Speak, damn it, speak!!

"Uh...yeah! Sure, cool."

Oh, smooth, Ig, real smooth.

"Cool." She answered. "Hey, I'm gonna go work on a snack for the rest of the gang, possibly something for Fang, if he's up to it. You get some rest, ok? You want to get wel now, right?"

"Yeah." I answered as she left.

Now I had something to get well for.

Ella's POV

I calmly walked out of Iggy's room.

I quietly shut his door.

I walked at an even pace into the kitchen.


"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Ok, I'll admit it, I was jumping up and down like a little kid. I couldn't believe it! He was coming, he was coming, he was coming!!"



I froze, turning around slowly, trying to plaster a calm smile on my face. "Yes, Angel?"

"What are you jumping around for?"

"I uhhh....just won a bet on a football game?"

She just stared at me. It took me a second to figure out what she was doing, but when I did, I freaked.

"Angel, out of my head, NOW."

She smiled. "Oh, ok...I'll go in the living room to wait for snack."

I nodded. "Good."

She started to leave, but turned. "Don't worry, Ella, Iggy likes you so much, he'd even go, like, to the Opera or something with you."

I was about to blow up at her for getting into my head, when I stopped, processing what she said. "...Really?"

She nodded.


"Yep!" Angel said, starting to leave again.

"Hey, Angel?"

"Yeah?" She said, turning around.

"You're still not allowed to read my mind."

I am now on page.....239 of MAX!!!!!


God, The Patron Saint of Books, or whoever was listening!!!!!

So far, soooo beating the fourth book. The action is back and the Fax...........-happiness-

Fang: Yeah, fifth books great....

Me: You just like it 'cause of all the Max time you get.

Fang: Shut up.

Me: Hey, you're kidnapped! When'd you get time to do all this stuff?

Fang: I've told you! I'm a ninja!

Me: Whatever......Hey, did anyone else have a short sinking feeling when Nudge left? Just askin'....

And who got extremely excited and made little happy squeal or squee-like sounds during that Fax scene in the cave?

My Mom thought I was losing it, then got made 'cause I was interrupting American Idol.

Fang: hey, how about we shut up and post this?

Spiffy and Pooky: -appears- And go check out our chapter in the Poetry Corner! -disappears-

Me: Yeah, and....still don't know what's going on....

R&R, you know you must.......

32. Chapter 32: Sickbed Buddies

I would like to apologize for not giving fair warning about the MAX spoilers in the last chapter.

I also hope, for anyone who doesn't have the book yet, that they can get it soon.

They can't get it in Australia 'till May?!?!?!?!

We should make the Flock fly it over for the Australians....

Fang: Ha, ha, no. Sorry, but there's no way the Flock's gonna fly over two oceans carrying boxes of heavy books.

Me: I bet I could make Iggy do it!

Fang: Yeah, sure. Besides, he's not even here!

Me: Abra Kadabra Alakazam! HotPocket! -waves hands-

Iggy: -appears-

Fang: WTF?

Iggy: Fang? Where have you been?! Wait, where am I?

Fang: You don't wanna know.....

Me: Iggy, my name is Saint, and I have a request to ask of you.

Iggy: Ok........

Me: If you just do the simple task of flying this box of books over to Australia, I will not only get you a date with Ella and make you the Explosives Master of the Republic of Canadia, I will also get Fang to pay Justin's child support.

Iggy: Explosives Master's cool........Heh, date with Ella.................Justin?

Me: Good enough! -throws box of books at him- To Australia! Hocus Pocus Mandarin Oranges! -waves hands-

Iggy: -disappears with books-

Fang: That was..........interesting. You think he'll make it?

Me: -shrugs-

Iggy's POV

I had just drifted off to sleep, and was having the most interesting dream. I was trying to save my back scratcher from Darth Vader, but Gazzy was driving the space ship eratically, and we couldn't get close to Vader's space station. Then, Fang came in, swearing to drunk he wasn't God. Suddenly, the space ship was hit by a meteor.

"WE'RE GOING DOWN!!!" I yelled, shooting up in bed.

Oh, crud, I'm yelling in my dreams again....This fever thing needed to stop.

"No, Iggy, you're going down."

Huh? "Fang?"

"I hate you."

I sighed. "Fang, what time is it?"

"4:00 a.m."

"Fang, can't you tell me about your sudden random hatred for me later in the morning?"

"No. I'm up now, and you're going to know now."

I could feel myself starting to fall back to sleep. Soooo tired....... "Ok, so I know. Now, go back to bed."


"Whatever." I flopped back in my bed. "Then stand there, for all I care. Good night."

That's when something hit me.

I shot back up, feeling around and finding an extra pillow. Two, actually. That explains my 'meteor'.

I threw the pillows back towards where I heard Fang breathing. I heard at least one hit him. Good. "What is your problem?"

"It's all your fault!"

"What is?"

He paused for a moment. "......Everything!"

I shrugged. "Ok....So everything is my fault, huh? Wow, I should probably apologize to the Jewish Population for the Holocaust, huh?"

"Shut up, smart ass."

"And I could say sorry for that whole 'Crusades' deal."

"You're not funny, Iggy. SHUT UP!"

"Oh, and I guess that whole thing with the Spartans and the Persians was a bad idea, too."

"SHUT THE F--K UP!!!!"

"Uhhh....Fang? Didn't we have a talk already about yelling swears across the house?"

"I HATE YOU!!!!!!"

"Yeah, I know Fang, but the rest of the house is gonna hate you if you wake them up."

"SHUT UP!!!!"

"What's going on in here?"

At the sound of Dr. M's voice, Fang was suddenly quiet.

I heard Dr. Martinez walk over and a click as she turned on the light. She sat down on the bed. "Iggy, what's going on?"


"Well, I thought I heard Fang's voice in here, but he's not here."

He's not here my right wing! "Oh, really?" I asked, listening intently. I picked up on some light breathing in the corner, by the door. There's our invisible man...

"Yes, maybe I'm losing it....but it sounded like he was yelling! But, if I can't see him, he must not be here..." she was in on it.

"Yeah, crazy, huh? Oh, Dr M? Could you get me that extra blanket in the corner by the door?"

Sharp intake of breath from said corner. Ha.

"Oh, sure!" Dr. Martinez said. "Oh, Fang, could you hand me Iggy's blanket?"

I heard him groan. He must have came into view, because Dr. Martinez got up, moving across the room to him. "Fang," She started to say. "What are you doing up in Iggy's room? It's four-fifteen in the....Oh...."

I have a feeling 'four-fifteen in the Oh' wasn't exactly an actual time.

"Oh, Fang..." I heard her say. "What are we going to do with you?"

"If he has a bottle of NyQuil, get it away from him! He's an addict!"


Uh-oh. "What?"

"It seems you have a new sickbed buddy."


"You're germs have been spreading..."

It took my tired mind a couple seconds to process this, but when I did, I couldn't hold back the laughter. "Fang's got chickenpox?!"

"Shut up...." Fang muttered.

"Admit it. After the way you made fun of me, you deserve it."

"Screw off!"

"Does that mean you don't want to play connect the dots?"

"Ok, boys." Dr. M cut in.

"I'm going back to bed." Fang said. I heard him start to head for the door, but Dr. M must've stopped him.

"You're not going anywhere, Fang."

"Huwhat?" Fang and I said. Or, at least that's what it sounds like when I say 'What' and Fang says 'Huh' at the same time.

"I'm trying to keep the spread of germs and sickness down around here. Fang, you can stay here tonight."

"No he can't!" I said. Well, I almost yelled it, but whatever.

"And why?"

"Well......he doesn't have a bed! Gazzy's is too small!"

"We'll move a bed in here. Until then, you guys can have a little sleepover on your bed. It's huge, Ig, there's room."

"I'm NOT sleeping in HIS bed!" Fang burst out.

"Fang, I'm sure you and Iggy have slept in close quarters before, and since you already have the chickenpox, you don't have to worry about that, so there should be no problem with sleeping in Iggy's bed......Unless this whole 'Justin' thing has some truth behind it...."

Oh, blackmail! Dr. Martinez is ruthless! So that's where Max gets it from....

".....I'll sleep in his bed. Iggy, move over."

Oh, great. There goes any chance of more sleep tonight.

Amazingly, though, I was able to sleep. For a while.

"Iggy, get your damn feathers out of my face."

"Well, if you didn't insist on sleeping in the middle"

"I'm used to the middle, ok?"


I was starting to drift back off into Star Wars dream land, when I sensed a disturbance in the Force.

Or, more accurately, Fang shook the bed.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm so itchy!" He whined. I could here him scratching.

"It comes with the whole 'chickenpox' deal. You shouldn't scratch. You'll get scars or something."

"What else is new?"

I shrugged. "Have it your way." I started to curl back up on my side.

"This is so unfair!"

I sighed. "What?"

"I just got over being sick!"

"That's life, Fangy." I rolled over to face him, which didn't make much sense, since I couldn't see him, but it seemed like the right thing to do. "Look, aren't you tired or something? I know I am. Why don't you try and get some sleep and worry about all this in the morning?"

"Can't sleep."


"I think I'm an insomniac."

Oh, great.....insomniac roommate. Insomniac NyQuil-addict roommate.

"And why do you think that?"

"I have trouble sleeping at night. Or, more accurately, I just don't."

"That explains the 'NyQuil' thing..."


Since he obviously wasn't going to sleep, I decided to try to make conversation. "Hey, have you ever wondered why they spell 'NyQuil' with an uppercase 'Q'?"


"Did you fall back to sleep?" I whispered, hoping....

"No." Damn. "I'm just trying to figure out why the hell you asked me that. Wait, how do you even know that?"

"I was looking for something in the medicine cabinet once, and Gazzy was reading the labels. He thought it was two words."

"Oh......Well, I don't know. I never really thought about it."

"Hey, do you think when people get high off NyQuil, like you did, they think the Q's talking to them?"

Silence, then, "You're delirious, aren't you?"



"Who do you think is the Chosen One? Anakin Skywalker, Luke Skywalker, or Harry Potter?"


"Yes, Fnickles?"

"Go to sleep."

I grinned. "You first!"


"You're glaring at me, aren't you?"


"Alright, Fang, just try not to rock the bed. People may start to wonder..."

I heard him groan in exasperation. "Don't even go there, Iggy! If I have to spend the night in this damn bed-"

"Fang, you're breaking my heart!"

"The nuns at the Russian Orphanage beat Justin."

"Fang! What kind of father are you?"

"I'm not. There is no Justin!"

"Of course there is!"

"You have proof?"

"Spiffy told me so."


"Right before Darth Vader stole my back scratcher."

"......Pooky's smarter than Spiffy."

"How do you know?"

"I've known them longer than you! I was sick first!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, your Majesty, did I usurp your sickness?"

"Why don't you-"

"Boys!" Dr. Martinez yelled from outside. "Go. To. Sleep. Now!"

Complete silence.

If anyone's ever heard Dennis Leary do his 'NyQuil' bit, you know where the 'Q' thing comes from...

And yes, I'm slightly obsessed with Star Wars lately....

Fang: No way would I share a room with Iggy.........

Me: Fang's FiggyPhobic.

Fang: And proud of it.

Spiffy: -appears- -whispers something in my ear-

Me: Someone hacked into the Poetry Corner and typed up a long chapter?!

Fang: -inches away- Wow, really? What kind of sick freak would do that?!

Me: Fang.....

Fang: Saint....What are you looking at me for....heh heh....

Me: You hacked into my Poetry Corner!!!!

Fang: Me? Never!

Me: You revealed my secrets!!

Fang: Hey! You know, I've just been inspired to fly a box of books to Australia! See ya! -grabs box and flies for it-

Me: Get back here!!!! Hacker!!!!!

R&R or I kill Fang......Or, at least, maim him a bit......

33. Chapter 33: It's Not What You Think!

I'm going to warn you all now....Updates are slow and for a reason!

I have about two gazillion scholarships, I just took on another class, my college entrance fee is due tomorrow (forgot to mail it, have to drive up to the college and drop it off), Mom says I have to get a job, have to take care of the usual house chores, homework is more than I want, I have other Senior priorities coming up, and, at some point, I need to sleep.

Fang: And feed me.

Me: Yes....

Fang: And your best friend there wants to hang out with you.

Me: Yes! My .2 sister! She found out about my fanfictions, kinda.

Fang: What do you mean?

Me: She caught me writing one and asked if I was writing one of those 'roleplaying stories'.

Fang: What'd you say?

Me: I told her I was writing porn.

Fang:.........................Ok....If I had the choice of being known for either writing fanfiction or porn, I think I'd pick fanfiction.

Me: It was a joke! Oh, by the way, Mom thinks you're a serial killer.

Fang: What?!?!

Me: It's under my 'Random Thought of the Day' on my profile...

Fang: I think this whole conversation is a random thought of the day....

Fang's POV

I was kind of half-asleep. Comfy. I didn't really know where I was, except it was warm. Soft and warm. So nice...

"You know, I'm beginning to worry about you two."

My eyes shot open. "Huh?"

I heard someone make a noise beside me. A male someone. Suddenly, I remembered where I was.

"Iggy, come on! You're such a bed hog! Move!" I started kicking him away from me.

"Ow, Jeez, Fang! Stop! It's my bed, ya know!"

Suddenly, I heard laughter.


And there she stood, by the door, laughing her butt off.

"Glad to know you're in a good mood this morning, Max." Iggy muttered.

"Max, this isn't what you think..." I started to say.

Max finally got control over her laughter. "It's ok, Fang, I understand."

"No, Max! You don't! I'm not here,"

She held up her hand. "No, Fang, really. I talked to Mom this morning. I understand."


Iggy started snickering then. "Fang! I told you we wouldn't be able to keep this thing a secret!"

I whacked him with a pillow. "Will you just shut up?"

Iggy rolled his eyes. "Gosh, Fang, you're so homophobic."

"Iggy, is there something we should know about you?"

"Ok, guys, cool it." Max said. "Mom, Ella, and I are going to try to move Fang's mattress or something in here when Mom gets home from work. Can you two try not to kill each other before then?"

"We'll try." I answered.

"Oh, don't worry about us!" Iggy said. "Fang lovests me, remember?"

I groaned. "Ig-"

"Oh yeah?" Max cut in. "Well, he loves me! He loves me this much!" She held out her arms.

Oh, God.

"But Fang promised to get Justy out of the Orphan Russianage!" Iggy shot back.

"Guys!" I tried to cut in again.

"You know how wrong it is to have Justin, right? Fang only thinks of you as a sister!"

Iggy gasped. "Fang! You're incestual!"

"WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP?!?!" I yelled.

They were silent for a moment. Then, Iggy burst into laughter. "Getting you mad is so hilarious!"

There were days when I wanted to strangle that kid. Like, right now, for instance. He's right there. And, we have pillows! Not a messy death, but a slow one. Perfect.

Max must have seen the bloodlust in my eyes. She came over and sat down, placing a hand on my forehead. "I think I might get a thermometer. That fever of yours feels pretty bad."

Iggy leaned against my shoulder. "It's only because he's so hot."

I shoved him away as he burst into laughter again. "JUST SHUT THE F--K UP, IG! JUST-"

Suddenly, Max's lips pressed against mine. My eyes fluttered shut. What was I mad about again?

That kiss ended too soon. I resisted the urge to pull her back for another one. "Are you calm now, Fang?" She asked, stroking my hair.

"Yeah..." Why wouldn't I be calm? What was there to be mad about?

"Good, because if you start yelling again, I'm going to get a permanent marker and Angel and I will play connect the dots. And that goes for you, too, Iggy."

"Yeah, yeah." Iggy said, flopping back on the pillows.

Max grinned. "What, Ig? Jealous 'cause Fang loves me best?"

Iggy sighed heavily. "How will I ever explain this to Justin?"

I started to get pissed again, but Max gave me a look that read, 'Do you want to be covered in permanent marker for the rest of your life?' I calmed down.

"You two get some rest, ok?" Max said. "I'm going to go get breakfast."

We both nodded and Max left. As soon as she shut the door, Iggy asked, "So, I guess you're done watching Max leave now, right?"

"You're just jealous."

Iggy just rolled over. "Whatever."

I looked at him. "You really are jealous, aren't you?"

"Jealous of what?"

"'Cause I have Max and you don't have Ella."

I was answered with a face full of pillow.

I threw it back at him. "Seriously, Iggy. Remember that conversation we had before, and you told me to take my own advice? Well, I did, and it worked, so try it!"


"Ig, come on, she likes you!"

"She......invited me to come to a dance."

"Great, Ig!" I answered. "See, it will all work out!"


I lied down next to him. "Well, if it doesn't, Ig, you'll always have me..." I whispered.

He shot up. "WHAT?!"

It was my turn to burst into laughter. "Not too funny when it's you, is it, Ig?"

"Fang, you're sick."

"You've got that right. So are you!"

"Oh, go to sleep."

Unfortunately, sleep wasn't really an option. Why? Well, there's this little thing about chickenpox...

"They itch!"

"You think I don't know that, Fang?" Iggy said. He was scratching his arms, at the moment. I was attacking my neck.

"You know what really sucks? My back and wings itch! And I can't reach!"

"Ditto over here." Iggy replied. "My wings are in the way!"

"Hey, I've got an idea! You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!"


"Here, sit back-to-back with me..."

"Oh, I get it..."

"That feels so much better..."

"Mmhmm, I know."

"That feels good."


"Well, I see you two are getting along."

We both jumped apart like we'd been hit with a cow prod or something.


And there she was, standing in the door, grinning.


"Let me guess, boys, it's not what I think?"

"No, it's not." I answered, hoping Iggy wouldn't decide to make this the perfect opportunity for one of his jokes.

But, of course, the world hates me today...

For the second time in my life, I found myself being hugged by Iggy while lying in a bed. Doubly awkward. "Fang and I decided Justin needed a little sister! We're calling her Janet!"

"We are?!" I said, trying to pull away.

"Why, you don't like Janet?" Iggy asked.

"No, I mean, yeah, but, uhhhh.....No! There is no Janet!"

"Of course there isn't! She isn't born yet!"

"That's not what I mean, and you know it!"

Ella had just become a pile of laughing mush on the floor. Great.

"Well, what should we name her, Fang?"


"Well, that's a strange name for a little girl."


That's when I noticed Max walk into the room, leading Angel along.

And they were carrying markers.

Fang: Was that really necessary?

Me: What?

Fang: Putting me in that.......situation.

Me: -evil grin- Yes...

Fang: You're sick.

Me: No, you are!

Fang: -sigh-

R&R...........Oh, poor Figgy-phobic Fang....

34. Chapter 34: When Juice Wears Tights

Me: I don't wanna go back to school tomorrow!!

Fang: I don't think you have much of a choice....

Me: B-but.....

Fang: What?

Me: I didn't finish reading the Iliad!!!

Fang: You were supposed to....

Me: What are you, my conscience?

Fang: .....Yes.

Me: OMC! You must be the little guy with wings who sits on my shoulder!

Fang: Sure.

Me: Then who's the little devil dude?


Me: OMC!

Fang: I know!

Me: So, conscience, what should I do?

Fang: Let me go free!

Me: I.......don't think so. Nice try, though.

Fang: Damn.

Fang's POV

"That tickles, Angel! Stop!"

Angel just giggled and kept trying to draw a pony on my stomach. Meanwhile, Gazzy had joined the party and was turning Iggy into Sherlock Holmes, complete with a mustache.

Max and Ella were just sitting on the other side of the bed, laughing their heads off.

"Nice tattoo job, Fang!" Ella said, laughing.

"You're pony's so hardcore." Max added.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. I'm just glad you didn't find the permanent markers."

Between Iggy and I, we were covered in every color of the rainbow. Thanks to Angel, I now had a purple mustache and beard, multi-colored 'bracelets' going down both arms, an orange butterfly on my neck, and, soon, a pink pony. Iggy had a lot of green, I noticed, with black and yellow mixed in. I noticed Gazzy was now working on writing something on Iggy's stomach, giggling manically. I leaned over to read what he was writing.

'Justin Was Here.'

I let out a groan. "Oh, come on! Give it a rest!"

Just as Max and Ella burst into a fresh wave of laughter, Dr. Martinez, who had obviously come home from work without us knowing, poked her head in the door. "What's going on in.....Oh, guys!"

She was looking at each of us in turn, probably trying to decide which of us was the least sane. I just pointed to Max and Ella. "Ask them, Dr. M."

Yes, I realize that rhymed. I annoyed myself.

She turned to Max and Ella. "Girls, how about you to pull yourselves together and go and find the air mattress in the closet. I think that would be easier than trying to drag an actual mattress in here."

The two sisters, still cracking up, left the room.

Dr. Martinez walked over to the bed and started to pull Angel off of me. "Come on, Angel, Gazzy, you guys go play somewhere while I figure out what to do with your living canvases."

"Wait, wait! Let me find a camera!" Gazzy exclaimed. "I want to save this!"

Dr. Martinez just laughed and ushered them out. Then, she turned to the two of us, shaking her head. "What am I going to do with you two?"

"You could send us to Paris." Iggy suggested. "I think there's some kind of huge art museum there. You could sell us as works of art. We'd be bigger than Mona Lisa!"

Dr. Martinez laughed. "Though tempting, I think I'll just have you two take a bath."

Iggy grinned. "Hey, Fnick, we're gonna take a bath!"

Can I kill him yet?

"Separately." Dr. M added.


"So, which of you want to go first?" Dr. Martinez asked.

I gave Ig a light shove. "You go. You have serious B.O., anyway."

"You don't exactly smell like a bed of roses, Fang."

"Alright, alright, you both smell." Dr. Martinez said. "Ig, just get in there."

"Why me first?" Iggy asked.

Her eyes moved to his stomach. "I think that needs to come off."

He grinned. "I think he wrote 'Baby on Board' in the back."




About an hour and a half later, I was out of the shower, trying to dry my hair with a towel. When I came in, I noticed an air mattress on the floor nearby the actual bed, a sheet already on it and blankets folded neatly at the end. Dr. Martinez was neat like that. When I looked over at the bed, I was glad the mattress was there. Iggy was lying on the bed, obviously completely unaware of the fact that Dr. M did, in fact, own towels. It looked like he had just jumped out of the shower, pulled his pajamas on, and went and flopped on the bed. The bed was soaked.

I walked over and stood next to him. "Ig?"

No answer. I noticed his even, quiet breathing. Asleep.

I just shrugged and walked over to sit on my mattress. He'd probably been tired when he got out of the shower and just crashed on the bed. I should probably be thankful he took the time to put pajamas back on. I shuddered at the thought.

As I was just trying to spread the blankets out on the mattress, I noticed movement on the bed. I turned to see Iggy rolling over on the bed. Of course, that was nothing unusual, but then I noticed his arm jerk, kind of like he was punching something...

I started to get up, and noticed him punch again. Then kick. Suddenly, he was punching and kicking at some imaginary enemy. I rushed over and grabbed him by his wrists. "Yo, Iggy, wake up!!"

And then, I was kicked in the stomach.

Next thing I knew, I was crouched on the floor, trying to catch my breath.

The movement on the bed stopped, and a couple seconds later, Iggy was leaning over the bed. "Hey, Fang, you down there?"


"Why are you breathing like that?"


"I kicked you?"


I finally was able to breathe fairly normally, though I was sure I would have a bruise there for a couple days. I pulled myself onto his bed. "What the hell were you dreaming about?"


I told him about how he was beating up...nobody. "What was that about?"

He looked kind of uncomfortable. "Well.....I did have a weird dream..."


"I was....being attacked." He said, after a pause.

"By who? Erasers?"


"Was it Chuck Norris? The way you were fighting, it could've been Chuck Norris."

Iggy shook his head, smiling slightly. "Fang, really, you should know you don't beat up Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris beats you up."

"Yeah, yeah." I said. "So, who was it?"

He was relunctant to answer, but I finally badgered him into giving me an answer. "You promise not to, like, laugh or anything, Fang?" He asked.

"I promise."

"It was........the, uhh, Kool-Aid Man."

I burst into laughter.

"You promised you wouldn't laugh!!"


"No, you're not."

I finally got control over my laughter. "Iggy, really, the Kool-Aid Man? The big glass jug?"

"Hey, he can be scary!"


"Well.....he just breaks into your house! Yeah! And then he's all like, 'Oh, yeah!', and people drink out of his disgusting head after, like, debris has fallen into it from breaking into the house! And he wears tights!"


"So, I don't like it when juice wears tights!"

I cracked up all over again.

"Fang, come on!"

"Ig! Did you hear what you just said? How can I not laugh?"

"Just shut up."

"Make me."

"Lookie, Fang! A needle!"

"....Shut up."

He just grinned at me.

Damn him.

Got all the 'Kool-Aid Man' stuff from Dane Cook. He's hilarious! Look him up!

Fang: I like the Burger King thing he does.

Me: -nods- Muchos hilariousness.

Fang: WHOPPER!!!!!!!

Me: -lol- And the pickles......

Fang: And sweet and sour sauce...

Me: And Christ Chex!

Fang: Yay, Christ Chex!

Me: Start your day off the holy way with Christ Chex!

Fang: I think we need to go to bed.

Me: Oh, yeah, school tomorrow....

Fang: Yep....

Me: Damn.....I'm going on the Quick.

Fang: Don't do drugs! Give hugs!

Me: You're right. When you say that, it's time for bed.

Fang: I'm glad you realized that....

R&R? Beware the Kool-Aid Man and his tights!!

35. Chapter 35: The Curse of Fang

Me: So, Here comes the next chapter!!!


See....Fang's...not commenting right now...

He's....passed out in the kitchen.

See, I had just gotten back from some alternate universe where I met up with Princess of Chocolate and stole Pikachu, and I was making food...


Me: -makes microwave meal-

Fang: Lazy Girl's Dinner.

Me: You bet.

Pikachu: Pika?

Fang: Hey! You still have Pikachu!

Me: Yep.

Fang: -rolls eyes- I'm gonna go....somewhere...

Me: -gasps- -huggles- Fang! Don't leave me!

Fang: What, have you been watching soap operas, too?

Me: I'm having your child!

Fang: -goes pale- -faints-


Ummmmm.....why did he fall for that?

Anyway, so...I'm alone...

Hum, hum, hum...

La, la, la....

Now that don't kill me,
Can only make me stronger.
I need you to hurry up now
'Cause I can't wait much longer.
I know I got to be right now
'Cause I can't get much wronger.
Man, I been waitin' all night now,
That's how long I've been on ya.

Spiffy: Saint, Kanye West you are not...

Me: Too true...

There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain, and the ones that observe
Well baby, I'm a put on-a-show kind of girl
Don't like the back seat, gotta be first

Spiffy: You're not Britney Spears, either....

Me: Hmmm...

But she wears short skirts
I wear t-shirts
she's cheer captain
and I'm on the bleachers
dreaming 'bout the day
when you wake up and find
that what you're looking for
has been here the whole time!

Spiffy: Oooo...Taylor Swift.

Me: Awesomness...

Spiffy: You should, uhhh, start the story.

Me: Oh, yeah!

Iggy's POV

You know you've been sleeping in the same room with Fang for too long if you wake up because you don't hear him breathing.

"Fang?" I said. It was only about 8:00 p.m., but he'd passed out on his mattress a little before I did, around 7:30, so I wondered if he'd gotten up and gone to the bathroom or something. The bedroom was so quiet, it was eerie.

Gosh, I hoped he had gone to the bathroom. What if he was still on that mattress and he was......Could the chickenpox do that? I mean, maybe he was weakened to much by the flu that the chickenpox were to much for him and....

"Fang?" I said again, louder. "Fang?!.......FANG!!!"

The bedroom door opened. "What? I'm not deaf, you know."

I nearly jumped out of bed. "Fang, God, I thought you were dead!"

I heard him sigh. "First of all, it's just me. God didn't walk into the room, too."

"Ha, ha, very funny."

"Second, huh?"

"I couldn't hear you breathing."

"And you didn't consider that maybe I had just left?" He asked. I heard him flop back down on his mattress.

"I guess I just.....Oh, nevermind. Blame the fever. Where did you go, anyway?" I asked.

"Kitchen." he answered. "I got hungry so I raided the fridge."

"Oh." I said. "What'd you find?"

"There were some hard-boiled eggs in there..."

I made a face. "Ugh, Fang, those eggs have been in there forever. They're probably no good."

"Really?" He said. "They do taste a little off."

My eyes widened. "You ate them?!"

"Correction, eating." he answered. I heard a plastic bag rustle as he grabbed another egg.

"Fang, that'll make you sick."

"Heck, I'm already sick."


"Fine, I'll stop eating them."

I laid back down. "Good."

"They're all gone, anyway."

I groaned and rolled my eyes. Sometimes Fang was our smart, stealthy, second-in-command.

Other times, he was just stupid.

I was getting really sick of having a fever. Every time I'd fall asleep, I'd be woken up an hour later by some delirious dream.

My eyes flew open and I was relieved to find that, despite the dream I'd had, I was not facing some creepy guy with a sawed-off shotgun who was mad because I didn't give him chocolate.

You see what I mean about weird dreams?

Unfortunately, I'd woken up to something possibly less pleasant.

I heard Fang make an awful groaning noise that I'd never heard him make before. He sounded like he was in pain.

"Fang? You ok?"

He made a small whining noise. "No..."

I heard his stomach make a weird kind of gurgling noise. That's when it all clicked.

"Fang, I could've told you not to eat those eggs."

He groaned again. "Ig..."

"You know you asked for it..."

"Iggy..." he whined, then, he made a horrible wreching noise.

I shot up. "Oh, shit, you're going to be sick, aren't you?"

"No......freaking......duh!" I heard him gag.

I began throwing my blankets off of me. "I'll go get Dr. Martinez."

"That's what-" Gag. "-I was-" Groan. "Oh, hell-" I heard his stomach make more gurgling noises.

I felt around next to my bed until my hand brushed against my small trash bin. I slid it over to him. "Here. Aim and fire."

I rushed out of that room as fast as I could. If I had to listen to Fang be sick, I couldn't guarentee that I wouldn't be joining him.

Luckily, Dr. Martinez was still awake, watching T.V. with Max, as usual.

"Iggy, what are you doing up?" Dr. Martinez asked when I rushed in. "I thought you were asleep."

I pointed in the direction I hoped was back down the hall. "Fang is being horrendously sick in my room right now. Do something."

"What?" Dr. Martinez asked as I heard her jump to her feet.

"He ate those old hard-boiled eggs." I explained as she rushed past.

"Why?" She asked, sounding surprised.

I shrugged. "He's Fang."

"Iggy, are you ok?" Max asked as shegot up, probably to follow her mom.

"Yeah, I'm not the idiot who eats rotten food." I yawned. "I just need some sleep."

I heard her switch off the T.V. "Here, Ig, have the couch. I have a feeling Mom and I will be pretty occupied for the rest of the night."

As I curled up on the couch, I considered this latest installment in the drama that was Fang's life. This was his third illness in a row. Not to mention when Ari tried to crush his skull in at the beach. Or when his side was ripped to ribbons. Or his random Max's blood-induced hot flashes. Or his insomnia.

I was beginning to think the kid was cursed.

Yes, the the creepy guy with the shotgun was another Dane Cook reference. Fang cursed?

Spiffy: With stupidity?

Me: Hey!

Spiffy: Face it. The only illness he's had that wasn't his fault was the flu. If he hadn't drank half a bottle of NyQuil, he wouldn't have chickenpox. And if he hadn't eaten bad food, he wouldn't be sick now.

Me: ...Point. Good character analysis!

Spiffy: Not really. I just said he was stupid.

Me: -shrugs- So...should we wake Fang up?

Spiffy: Maybe...

Pooky: Hey, guys! Look, I found a whole box of face paints!

Spiffy and I: -look at each other- -look at Fang- -grin-

R&R???? Or Fang will barf on you. Kidding!

Spiffy: He can eat vifty snikuhs bahs! Vithout Bahfing!

Me: -rolls eyes-

36. Chapter 36: One Loooong Night

Just lie to say: We've made it to 1,120 reviews! Thank you, all you wonderful people!!!!!!!!!!!

Spiffy, Pooky, and I: -laughing hysterically-

Fang: What??

Me: N-nothing....-laughs-

Fang: -sigh- What did you guys do?

Pooky: You look...You look...

Fang: I look what?

Pooky: Like a raccoon!!

Fang: Huh?

Spiffy: A pink raccoon!

Me: With a purple baby dragon! Awww....Ain't he cute?

Spiffy: -nods- Crazi Fang should be happy...

Fang: What is going on?

Me: -hands Fang mirror-

Fang: Holy (insert swear word of your choice here).

Me: You like?

Fang: Hell. Freaking. No!

Me: Awww...I like them!

Fang: Good. Draw on your own damn face.

Me: Fang! How rude! You're like those people on the bus on the way to the Senior Trip!

Fang: Well, they were rude 'cause you kept asking if we were there yet!

Me: How can you be so rude to me when I'm having your child???


Me: Fang?

Fang: Hold on. I'm blocking out the bad mental images.

Me: -sigh-

Max's POV

To put it simply, last night was HELL.

When I ran into the room, Mom was already kneeling next to Fang, trying to hold his hair back and hold him up at the same time. I'll save you the details of exactly what Fang was doing. I'm sure you can just imagine.

As for Fang, I'm sure he was regretting eating those eggs. He didn't speak, but I could tell from the look on his face and the sounds he was making that he felt really bad. I'd never seen any of the Flock sick like this, much less Fang. He was actually starting to scare me.

Mom, luckily, kept her cool. "Max, why don't you run to the bathroom and get a small, damp towel. Ok?"

I just nodded and rushed to get the towel. Mom was good at noticing either when I was starting to panic or when I was starting to feel a bit sick myself and finding some errand to send me on.

The three of us got virtually no sleep that night. Around 1:00 a.m., Fang was just gagging; he had nothing left in his stomach. He leaned against my shoulder.

"Max?" It was the first thing he'd said all night.

"Yeah, Fang?" I asked, brushing the hair out of his face.

"I feel....dizzy."

"How about you lie down, Fang?" Mom said. She and I helped Fang lie back down on his mattress. "I think he's dehydrated." Mom said to me. "And he might need something in his stomach, too, though I'm not sure if he can hold anything down yet."

I nodded. "Should we get him water or something?"

"Yeah." Mom answered. "And I think we might have some Gatorade or something around here, too. I'll go look, you stay here and just keep him company, ok?"

I nodded again and Mom got up and left. I pulled myself over closer to Fang and started stroking his hair back. Even though his eyes were closed, I could tell from the pained look on his face he wasn't asleep. He had his wings draped over him like a blanket and his arms wrapped around his stomach.

"Fang, I believe our lesson for today is, 'If it smells funny, don't eat it.'"

He didn't say anything, but I saw a small smile tug at his lips.

I bent down and kissed his forehead. "You scared me." I whispered.

His eyes opened slightly and he looked up at me. "Sorry..." He croaked out.

I smiled. "Just don't do it again, ok?"

He gave me a look like, 'Are you nuts?' and closed his eyes again.

I heard Mom come back in and looked up to see her carrying a box of Gatorade bottles. "So, Fang, are you up to a couple drinks?" She asked.

Fang made a face and groaned.

Mom grinned. "Maybe in a little while, huh?" She put the box down nearby. "Oh, by the way, Fang, I was thinking of making eggs for breakfast tommorrow. Sound good?"

Fang groaned again, grimacing.

Mom just laughed and shook her head.

Iggy's POV

You know, the couch isn't really that uncomfortable, especially when compared to sleeping in a room with an extremely sick Fang. I was having the best sleep I'd had since I'd gotten sick.

That is, until something slammed into my stomach, knocking the wind out of me.

As I jumped up and rolled off the couch onto the floor, I heard someone curse and jump away. I was sucking in air, trying to get my breath back. Oh, the idiot who did this is so dead.

"Oh my gosh, Iggy, are you ok?" I heard Ella's voice ask. "I'm so sorry!"

Oh, it was Ella! Well, in that case, I'd let it slide. "I'm.....fine." I said, breathless. I took a deep breath. "Yeah, fine."

"I'm so sorry." She said again. I felt her take my arm. "Let me help you up."

"I'm ok, Ella, really." I said, pulling myself back onto the couch. "You make a great alarm clock, though."

"I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention and just kind of flopped on the couch." She explained, sitting down next to me. "What are you doing out here, anyway?"

"Well...It's a long story...." I said. "You remember those hard-boiled eggs that were in the fridge?"

"Yeah..." Ella said, obviously confused about what old eggs had to do with anything.

"Well, The Dark Prince of Doom wanted a snack......"

I heard her gasp. "Don't tell me Fang ate them!"

"Fine, I won't tell you."

"Funny, Iggy."

I grinned. "Yeah, the Royal Prince happens to be practicing target shooting over a trash bin right now...I believe your Mom and Max went to assist him."


I nodded. "Exactly why I'm out here." I stretched my arms out in front of me, fighting back a yawn. "What time is it, anyway?"

"3:30 in the morning."

Huh? "And you're up....why?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"You're not developing Fang's insomnia, are you?"

She laughed. "Gosh, I hope not."

"Hey, is there anything I could do to help?" I asked. "I could make you hot chocolate or something."

"Iggy, you're sick, remember?"

"Oh, yeah..." For some reason, I didn't really feel that sick right then.

"I was just going to turn on the T.V. for a while," Ella said. "But I don't want to keep you up..."

I shook my head. "Don't worry about it. I'm awake now, anyway."

We ended up switching on the T.V. and watching (or, in my case, listening) to some shows on the Travel Channel. After about an hour, I started to feel my eyes drooping. I had to hold my head up with my hands. I will not fall asleep, I will not fall asleep...

I will not fall asleep....

I woke up to the sound of something clicking. I groaned and opened my eyes.

Bad idea.

Suddenly, rapid-fire white flashes practically blinded me. It was one of those moments where I wished I couldn't see white.

I yelled and rolled off the couch. I heard someone right next to me scream and roll off with me. We both landed on the floor, me practically on top of the other person.

Then, I heard giggling.

"Angel, Gazzy, and Nudge! What the heck?!?!"

The three of them burst into laughter. "When are we invited to the wedding, Iggy?" Nudge asked.

"What?" I started to ask, then I felt movement next to me.

"Ow...What's going on?"


"Angel, Gazzy, and Nudge were just taking our picture..." I growled.

"Guys!" Ella snapped at them.

They just laughed harder and made a run for it. I heard them racing down the hall.

I sighed. "Kids."

"Yeah..." Ella answered. "Hey, Ig?"


"You realize you're, uhh, wing's wrapped around me, right?"

"Oh!" I tried to move my wing, but it was stuck under something. "Ella, I think you're lying on it."

She let out a nervous laugh. "Awkward..."

"Yeah.' I agreed.

"No kidding."

Ella and I both jumped as this other voice spoke. It couldn't be...

"Morning, Mom..." Ella said nervously.

"Morning Ella....Iggy."

"Morning..." I said. My heart was pounding. This couldn't look good.

"Would either of you like to explain this...situation?"

Ella pulled herself up and jumped into her explaination. "I couldn't sleep last night, so I came out here to watch T.V."

"And I was out here, you know." I added.

"I accidentely woke Iggy up."

"So, we watched T.V. together."

"And I guess we fell asleep."

"And the kids woke us up-"

"Ok, ok." Dr. Martinez said. I heard her laugh a bit. "Let's just have breakfast, ok?"

What? I get to live? "Huh?"

"Breakfast, Iggy. Remember? When you eat in the morning?" Dr. Martinez explained jokingly.

"Yeah, but-" I started.

"Iggy, Ella, I didn't get one bit of sleep last night, I'm tired as Hell, so if there's nothing serious going on here, I don't care. I really just want to make sure the kids get some food and then I'm going to bed. So, basically, as long as Angel doesn't wake me up to tell me you two are sleeping together, I don't care."

"As long as Angel doesn't say what?"

Dr. M. sighed. "Iggy, Ella, just shut up and make breakfast."

Eggy and Fax, I should get bonus points.

Fang: Bonus points for what?

Me: -shrugs- I don't know. I just want points.

Fang: -sigh-

Me: -giggles-

Fang: What now?

Me: When you sigh, the baby purple dragon looks like he's breathing fire out.

Fang: -starts to sigh, but stops- Very funny....

Me: Yes, I hope our child inherits my sense of humor.

Fang: There is no child!

Me: My gosh, between this child, Justin, and Janet, you're going to need a damn good job to pay off the child support! Good thing you work for me!

Fang: -rolls eyes-


Spiffy: Please R&R! For every review, 5 dollars will be donated to Fang's child support fund! Help Justin, Janet and....Whatever Saint names the baby!

Fang: What the Hell??

Spiffy: That's not a good name for a baby!

Fang: -smacks forehead-

37. Chapter 37: Semi Formal Celery

'bunnyxx' pointed out something interesting...

This fic is labeled 'Max and Fang', but Fang is the father of three children, and not one of them is Max's! Fang, Jeez!

Fang: Yeah, but not one of them exists, either.

Me: Fang, really, I think it's about time you believed in little Christian/Athena.

Fang: If this child really does exist, why don't you find out what gender it is instead of calling it Christian/Athena?

Me: It'll ruin the surprise!

Fang: -sigh-

Me: Besides, after Bellagail's story about us...

Fang: Don't mention that lie!

Me: That story is not a lie! Everyone should read it! It's called Fangy Loves Joo St Fang of Boredom!

Fang: Please don't read it...

Me: Read it. And read my review on it, too! I swear, Bellagail must've stalked us...

Fang: Stalkers...

Me: Hey, Fang....-pulls out random tape recorder- -presses play-

Tape Recorder: (Fang's Voice) I love you.


Me: Mwahahahahaha......

Fang's POV

I swear to God I will never eat another egg again.

It was about six in the morning and I was lying awake on my mattress/thing, just staring up at the ceiling. I was actually surprised I wasn't dead yet. I was convinced that I'd thrown my stomach up, and maybe my appendix. I don't know, I lost some organ. The part of my body where my stomach used to be hurt like hell. Oh, I had a headache, too.

The only good thing about the whole thing was having Max there. She was curled up next to me on the mattress, sound asleep, using one of my wings as a pillow. I reached over and brushed her hair back. Her face twitched slightly, but she didn't wake up.

I could just imagine what kind of night Max and her mom had had, taking care of me. I'd have to find some way to thank them sometime.

Ok, I could think of a couple ways to thank Max, but, well, maybe I shouldn't be thinking about certain stuff...

I was just thinking of going back to sleep myself, when I heard the door creak open. "Fang? Max?"

I sighed. "Yeah, Ig?"

"Oh, God, you sound bad." Iggy whispered, walking in. "You ok?"

"I'll live." I told him. "What is it?"

"Well, I was going to ask Max if she wanted anything to eat."

"She's asleep."

"Oh. You want something to eat?"

I made a face. "You kidding me?"

"Ok, ok..." He sighed. "Fang...If I tell you what happened this morning, you promise not to laugh?"

I thought about it. "No, but you've gotta tell me now, so shoot."

He sighed again. "Alright, so last night, I was sleeping on the couch, and Ella came in-"

"Ig?" I asked warily. "Do I want to know?"

He glared at me. Or, well, in my general direction. "Fang..."

"Ok, ok, go on."

"So, Ella came in 'cause she couldn't sleep, and we watched TV together for a while, then I guess we fell asleep, and....the Flock took pictures of us on the couch."

I grinned. "Iggy?"


"Who do I go to for copies?"

Another glare in my general direction. "Shut up."

"Ok, Ig, is there any other reason you told me that besides to make me feel better?"

"I didn't say that to make you feel better."

"Whatever. It did anyway."

"Well, Fang, ummmmm....ever been to a dance?"

I stared. "Ummm....Ig? Do you know who you're talking to?"

Iggy sighed. "Yeah, yeah, you know anything about dances?"

I thought. "Well, you dance at them. There's music. I think they have food sometimes. Why?"

"It's about this dance Ella invited me to go to." Iggy explained. "I don't know what to do. Heck, I don't think I know how to dance!"

"Well, I can't help you with that one." Yeah, me and dancing? I don't think so. "What kind of dance is this?"

"What do you mean, what kind of dance?"

"Casual, semi-formal, or formal?"


"I saw it on TV once." I explained. TV, our personal homeschool teacher. "Casual's when you just wear whatever and formal's when you have to wear, like a suit thing."

"What semi-formal?"

I shrugged. "No clue."


"Hey, why don't you try the blog? I'm sure one of those people have been to a dance."

"Great idea. Hey, can you type for me?"

I shrugged again. "I think so." I was starting to feel a bit better, though nowhere close to perfect. "Hand me the laptop."

You are reading Fang's Blog.
Visitor Number: Does anyone really care?

Hey, Iggy here! With Fang, who's typing for me. Anything he says is underlined.

Yeah, I'm typing for him after I was sick all night.

Well, I could have told you not to eat those eggs.

Shut up.

Anyway, I just had some quick questions to ask.

1. Anyone ever been to a dance? What do you do at one?

2. What's a semi-formal?

Thanks in advance, guys. And girls.

Nice save.

Thanks, Fang.

Iggy's taking Ella to a dance!

Shut it!

Hey, I'm typing for you. Heck, why am I reading him what I'm typing, anyway? I'll stop that.

So, yeah, I'm going to this dance

So he can steal Max's sister

which is why I need to know.

He's running away to Vegas with her.

And, yeah, Ella is coming with me.

Iggy has a celery fetish.

Just as friends, of course.

He's going to make Ella dress in a Celery Costume,

So, uhhh, wish me luck at my first dance, guys! And thanks again!

He'll send you pics of they're celery-looking children.

Gosh, I don't even know how to dance. Nervousness....

Dancing with his pet celery in the shower doesn't count.


-And Fang


Fang: Celery fetish?

Me: Hee hee....I hate celery.

Fang:....You make no sense.

Me: -giggles- -plays tape recorder again-

Tape Recorder: (Fang's Voice) I love you.

Fang; STOP IT!!!!!

Me: -uncontrollable laughter- -keeps pressing button-

R&R? Or, you can wait 'till after the blog comments...

38. Chapter 38: Blog Comments Attack Again!

Always gotta do blog comments!

I'm a Flockstar said:

What. Are. You. Guys. On?

DeeDee11 said:

No cheese this time!

Poo-Poo Milk said:

Gosh, Ig, don't be nervous! Just be yourself and you'll be fine. And don't dress her as celery...

PopperCorn said:

Fang was sick? Eggs? Does he have an egg allergy?

Where's-The-Fire- said:

Keep Iggy away from the celery!!!

AreYouCopperbottumingum said:

Fang? Do you have a fever again?

Emo-ppl-r-kewl said:

Awww...Our wittle Iggy's growing up so fast! -tears-

PiperViper said:

Semi-Formal is when you dress in nice clothes, but not as nice as formal. Like, a nice button-up shirt and dress pants. Celery!

Jackson 5 said:

What do you do at a dance? YOU DANCE! DUH!


Dance, baby, dance!!!!

ClickyClickyClicky said:

What does Iggy do with the celery in the shower? And is he.....decent?

My-Heart-is-an-Empty-HOLE!! said:

Indecent Iggy........-dies happy-

St. Fang of Boredom said:

What I want to know is how Fang knows Iggy dances in the shower with celery....

Princess of Chocolate said:

Good point...............

Crazi Fang said:

Well, at least he's finally getting with the mother, errrr, father, errrr, 'parental unit' of his children.

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

Iggy???!!! I thought we had something special!! I'll dress up as celery!

St. Fang of Boredom said:

Please don't. Oh, and yeah, well I thought Fang and I had something, too, but that's these fickle bird-kids for ya.

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

Yeah! ....What's 'fickle'?

St. Fang of Boredom said:


Fang: Fickle....Rhymes with pickle.

Me: Fickle Pickle!....Obviously, we need to do the Poetry Corner soon.

Fang; Great....

Me: Or, go to bed.

Fang: Better. But, not the same bed.

Me: Why do you assume that I meant the same bed?

Fang: I didn't! I just-

Me: Fang, don't deny your true feelings!


Me: -lol-

R&R???? Celery!

39. Chapter 39: Figgy Fight!

Me: We have named him Christian. That is all.

Fang: No, it's not. We're returning him.

Me: -sighs- To make a long story short, mine and Fang's baby exists! It's all in my other story, A Day in Therapy. I'd tell you all about it here, but I'm too lazy, so go read it there.

Fang: How lazy of you.

Me: I have a headache.

Fang: So you're updating fanfiction while you have a headache...why?

Me: Because I want it updated!

Fang: You make no sense.

Me: Neither do you, no one cares, I'm not in an A/N writing mood, so start the damn chapter!

Fang: Wow....Bitchiness....

Me: -whacks-

Iggy's POV

I can't say I was exactly pleased about sleeping in the same room as Fang again. I mean, last time we shared a room, he'd gotten food poisoning. What's next? Tuberculosis?

Miraculously, though, we made it through the night without any terrible illnesses. The only thing that woke me up was when I heard Nudge and Ella laughing loudly from Ella's room. I just stuffed my pillow over my head. I probably didn't want to know.

I woke up around 8 in the morning, automatically checking on my roomate. "Fang? You ok?"

He made some kind of annoyed groaning sound and I heard him shift around on his mattress. Yeah, he's fine.

I pulled myself out of bed, deciding to go get myself something for breakfast. I was actually starting to feel a lot better, at least less itchy. I guess I'd be ready for that dance Ella was taking me to.

I walked out to the kitchen, deciding to try and make waffles or something. No way was I making eggs.

"Morning, Ig."

"Oh, hey, Max." I said, feeling around for a waffle iron. "Hungry?"


"I'm feeling better and I'm in the mood to cook. I could make you something."

"Alright, Ig. How about......Celery?"

"Celery? For breakfast?"

I thought I heard her start to laugh, but I wasn't sure. "Well, Iggy, I know you, of all people, don't have anything against celery."


"Alright, Ig, I'll just leave you and the celery alone while I go wake up the others." I heard her walk out.

Ok, did Max get into the NyQuil now? I just shook my head and went back to trying to make waffles. Who knows, maybe I was having another weird dream.

I had just prepared myself for Darth Vader to walk into the kitchen and demand waffles, but then Nudge walked in instead, yawning. "Mornin' Iggy."

"Morning, Nudge. Waffles?"

"You're making food again?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I'm feeling better. So, waffles?"

"Hey, can you make them in different shapes?"

I shrugged again. "I can try...What do you want?"


I stopped myself from dropping the waffle iron I had just found. "Celery-shaped. Nudge, is there-"

"Max is calling me! I'll be back!" She ran off down the hall.

"Nudge, Max is not calling you, get back here!" She was already gone. What was going on around here?

I heard some footsteps entering the kitchen, then, the refrigerator door opened.

"Ummm...Hello? Clueless blind kid wants to know who just walked in on him."

"Oh, sorry, Iggy!"

"Hey, Gazzy. What are you up to?"

"I'm gathering materials for the best bomb ever!"

I grinned. "You gonna let me in on it?"

"...Maybe." He shut the fridge door and headed out.

"Hey, what kind of bomb is it, anyway?" I asked, curious.

"A celery bomb." He raced down the hall.

I slammed the waffle iron down. "What the heck is going on around here?!"

"I don't know, but if you break my Mom's waffle iron, you're dead."

I nearly jumped. "Ella! Morning!"

"Morning, Iggy. Did I scare you?"

I nodded. "A bit. Are you getting ninja lessons from Fang or something?"

"No." She said, laughing. "So, cooking again?"

"Yeah, I've been trying to make waffles."

"You need some help?"


In no time, Ella and I had waffles for the entire gang. We even made a couple for Fang, in case he was hungry.

It wasn't long before the Flock and Dr. Martinez started filing in, following the smell of waffles wafting from the kitchen.

"I think we've missed your cooking, Iggy." Dr. Martinez said. "Do you think you'll be up to cooking anything else?"

I shrugged. "Sure. Anyone have any requests?"

There was a long silence.

"Guys, what?"

"CELERY!" the Flock and Ella all said.

I jumped backward. "Ok, that's it. WHAT'S WITH THE FLIPPING CELERY?!"

At this point, no one was able to answer me. They were all laughing to hard.


"B-blog!" Ella finally got out.

"Blog? As in Fang's Blog?" I asked.

She just nodded.

I turned to Dr. Martinez. "Dr. M, would you mind reading me the last blog entry?"

I heard her get up. "I'll go get my laptop. I'm just as curious as you are..."

Fang's POV

"Fang, could you hold Janet for a little while?"

Iggy was really starting to piss me off. "Ig, I don't know where you got that baby, but it's not mine!"

Iggy turned around. He looked ready to cry. "Why must you be so cruel to us?!" He yelled, bursting into tears and hugging the baby tighter.

"Daddy, why don't you love us?" Justin asked, hugging my leg.

"Look, I'm not your daddy, ok kid?" I said, trying to pull away. I turned to Pooky. "Pooky, some help here?"

He just shrugged at me and continued to play chess with a Chinese guy.

"Some help you are!" I yelled.


"What, Ig? I'm right here! Does Janet need to be changed or something?"


I shot up. I really need to do something about these weird dreams I'd been having. "Iggy?"

Iggy dove onto my mattress and grabbed my shirt. "Do you just like torturing me?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, it can be fun. Why?"






My still half-asleep mind finally realized what he was talking about. "Oh, the blog!" I started laughing. "That was great..."

"It was not!" He said, shaking me.

"Yo, Ig, I wouldn't do that. It's still possible I might throw up on you."

He immediately let go of my shirt, but didn't move from where he sat. "I'm not amused, Fang."

"Why not? It was funny..."

"For you."

I rolled my eyes. "Iggy, it was just a stupid joke. You don't have to get all bent out of shape over it."

"Well, it was embarrassing."

"Iggy, how was it embarrassing?"

"...Ella read it."

I will not laugh. I will try to be understanding. Supportive. I will apologize. I will not laugh.

Oh, hell.

"Shut up, Fang!"

"Ella s-saw it!"

"It was embarrassing!"

"Did she agree to wear the celery costume?"

Suddenly, something hard slammed into the side of my head, knocking me back onto my mattress. I looked up from where I'd fallen at a very angry Iggy.

"Did you just hit me?"

"You don't know when to shut up, do you? What happened to you being the 'dark and silent' one?"

I glared at him. "It was a stupid, freaking joke! GET OVER IT!"

"How about you get a life?"

Ok, my head still hurt from where I'd been hit, he was standing over me like some angry God of War, and I was officially pissed off. I jumped up from where I was lying and whacked him in the head myself.


"You asked for it!"

He swung his arm around to hit me again, but I dodged it this time, kicking him in the stomach.

He doubled over, but somehow still managed to punch me in the arm.

In moments, we had rolled onto the floor and were beating the crap out of each other. We probably would've eventually knocked each other out if Dr. Martinez and Max hadn't come in and dragged us apart.

Dr. Martinez sighed. "I think it's time Fang had his own room back."

Fang: I would've totally beaten him.

Me: I wouldn't bet on that....

Fang: And why not?

Me: Fang, if he'd been carrying a bomb in one of his pockets, and you hit it....

Fang: Yeah...Maybe not.


Fang: -rolls eyes- Iggy's moody in this one.

Me: Well, it could be because of Janet.

Fang: -sighs- Why do you twist everything around to have something to do with my nonexistent illegitemate children?

Me: To piss you off.

Fang: It's working.

Me: I know.

Fang: Rawr.

Me: -bites-

Fang: OW! Will you stop it with the 'love bites'?!?!


CELERY!! (Or R&R, whichever you prefer. I prefer R&R, but that's just me.)

P.S. If you haven't yet heard about my petition against Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson playing Max and Fang, go check it out! There's a link on my profile! Sign it! By the way, you have to have an e-mail address to sign the petition, but if you'd like to sign it, but don't have an e-mail address, just tell me and I'll sign it in your name. Thanks!

40. Chapter 40: Make Up Artistry


Fang: That's the number of comments about Max dying on the 'What Would Make Fang Cry?' discussion on max-dan-wiz. Saint and someone named zypher are keeping track.

Me: Every time someone says something along the lines of 'If Max Died', we add a number.

Fang: We're hoping they'll eventually get some original thoughts on there.

Me: Fang, what would really make you cry?

Fang:...-sigh- You really want to know?

Me: Yes!!

Fang:...Max dying.

Me: -smacks forehead-

Fang's POV

Finally, I had my room back. No more rooming with a certain rocks-for-brains jerk formally known by the name 'Iggy' who'd given me a bruised shoulder, by the way.

Not that I was holding a grudge or anything...

Right now, I was letting off some steam by playing that 'Don't Shoot the Puppy' game. I kept shooting the puppy.

Suddenly, I felt something jump up in bed next to me. "Watcha doin', Fang?" Angel asked, curling up next to my arm and staring at the computer screen.

"Playing with my new puppy. His name is Iggy." I answered, shooting the puppy again.

"You shouldn't be so mad at Iggy." Angel answered. "His thoughts get confused when Ella's involved. Kind of like how your's get about Max sometimes."

I twitched. "Angel, what have we said about intruding on people's thoughts?"

She shrugged. "I'm sorry, but when you're thoughts are on Max, or Iggy's on Ella, they get really..........loud. I can't help it."

I decided changing the subject my be a good idea right now. "What'd you come in here for, anyway?"

Angel shrugged again. "I had nothing better to do, so I came to check on you!" She gave me a hug around the neck.

Awww, sweet kid, huh? "Thanks, Angel."

Then, another foreign body jumped on my bed. "Hey, Fang..."

"Hey, Nudge. What's up?"

"Well, I was thinkng about what I want to be when I grow up."

"Oh, cool." I answered. "What's that?"

"A make-up artist."

I nodded. "Good job for you. You can make people look cool and chat with people all day. By the way, Angel, I need my neck back."

Angel didn't let go. Her grip got tighter, actually.

"Hey, Angel, choking hazzard here..." I said.

I suddenly noticed a mischievious grin on Nudge's face. "Well, Fang, to be a make-up artist, you need practice."


"Hold him down, Angel!"

"You evil, little, conniving....girls! LET ME GO!"

"Turn off the camera."

Nudge just kept giggling and took another picture.

Shortly after Angel and Nudge had pulled me down, Gazzy had come in with rope. After I'd been tied up, Nudge 'went to work' on my face and Gazzy went off to find the camera.

And now, I was being subjected to a Nudge-created Hell.

"Camera. Off. NOW!"

"Angel," Nudge said, taking another picture. I was going to be as blind as Iggy if that flash kept going off in my face. "Couldn't you, like, influence him to shut up or something?"

I glared at Angel. "Do you want to be in deep sneakers, kid?"

She giggled. Oh, she is so not a sweet kid. We should change her name to Demon or something. Medusa. Lilith.

Nudge took another picture. I was starting to see spots in front of my eyes.

"Just what are you guys doing?!"

You know, with all the glowing spots in my eyes, Max kind of looked like a guardian angel. Fitting.

"Max, we-"

She caught a glimpse of my face. "What did you guys do?"

"Nudge is gonna be a make-up artist!" Angel said excitedly.

"I....see." Max said. I could tell she was supressing laughter. Great. "Ok, guys, out."

"But Max! You think-" Angel started.

"Now" Max said in that 'I wil set you ablaze right now, infidel' tone.

Thankfully, they took the hint and raced out.

Max just stared at me. And stared. And stared. Her mouth began to twitch.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, go ahead and laugh."

And, she did. "Fang! Y-your face!"

I sighed. "Yeah, I get it."

She sat down on the bed next to me, brushing my hair out of my face so she could get a better look at it. "You know, you pull off the whole 'emo' look quite well. Black eyeliner suits you. Though I'm not sure about the dark purple eyeshadow."

"Oh, great...I'll go write in my diary about it now..."

Max grinned. "And I'll go hide the razors." She gave me a quick kiss. "Let's get you untied, huh?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I was enjoying the lack of circulation."

She just laughed and started to untie me. "You know, I don't know if I should punish Nudge and Angel, or congratulate them."

I glared. "I say we send them to the Russian Orphange with Justin."

She just laughed.

Hey, she didn't say no. I made plans to find an Angel and Nudge-sized box and address it to Russia. If I found a really big one, Gazzy would go, too. No ventilation. That would be punishment enough.

You are reading EmoFang's Blog!
Visitor Number: Who cares? Life is a dreary waste. -listens to emo music-

Iggy here. Nudge typing. Ella helping.

Ig: We're very worried about Fang. It seems like he's going through some kind of stage or something. Maybe you guys can help us out.

Nudge: -dramatic sigh- I knew all that My Chemical Romance music was bad for him...

Ella: Hey, I like MCR!

Ig: Alright, ladies, please! We're posting a picture below, and maybe you guys can explain what kind of stage or mental illness this is a sign of.

Ella: You know, this blog is kind of like Fang's diary!

Ig: You're right! This is more serious than I thought....

Nudge: Just click the link to the picture below!

-click here!-

-The Igster, The Nudge Channel, and ElLove

Fang: I hope no one actually tries to click there...

Me: That'd be funny...So, can I play make-up artist with you?

Fang: Ha, ha, no.

Me: I'll pay you twenty bucks...

Fang: Hells no.

Me: I'll pay you a twenty, plus let you wear my cool fedora...

Fang: A hat and twenty bucks? Still no way.

Me: Twenty bucks, the fedora, I'll keep the cat away from you for a day, and you have control of the TV for the day.

Fang: Saint, I......the living room TV? With the On Demand stuff?

Me: Yes.

Fang: You have your people contact my people. We'll talk more over lunch.

Me: Fang? You are my people.

Fang:....Your people's people.

Me: Deal.


Chapter 40! Wow!

41. Chapter 41: Blog Comments and Cameos

Spiffy: Fang and Saint are in negotiations right now.

Pooky: So, we're helping out by doing the blog comments.

Spiffy: Here we go!

I'm a Flockstar said:

.... -bursts into uncontrollable laughter-

FlockUpdates said:

We're thinking of using that pic in our next video. So evil...

YouMustCallMeMeg said:

Fang's finally accepted his emo side! Yay!

Emo-ppl-r-kewl said:

My kind of guy...

Where's-The-Fire- said:

How did you get that picture? Did you drug him?

RockerBoy4455673 said:

Fang's a druggie....

St. Fang of Boredom said:

Fang feels pretty.

Wizard of Chocolate said:

Oh so pretty!

curlscat said:

He feels pretty...

hawk without wings said:

And witty....

Spiffy and Pooky said:


gypsyprincess94 said:

And he pities...

Fangalicous08 said:

Any girl who isn't him today!

Crossover Genius said:

La la la la la la la la la la!

I'maprettybirdy!! said:

LOL! Encore!

St. Fang of Boredom said:

-bows- The band and I are here all week. No paparazzi, please.

NotSoHappilyEverAfter said:

The Igster, The Nudge Channel, and ElLove? Nice aliases....

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

The Igster is my love! ELLA SHOULD GO DIE!!!

Fang's-Executioner said:

Ok, that was cruel...She shouldn't die! She's a nice person!

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:


Fang's-Executioner said:

??? I see where you got your username from....

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

Iggy, forget Ella and be with me! I'll raise Justin as my own! I'll have as many of your children as you want me to! I will worship you daily!

Fang's-Executioner said:

-is disturbed-

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

You know that song Bloody Valentine? Well, I'm about to make that our song, Iggy! When I find Ella, she's down for the count, and then you and I can be together forever! I know you'll love me!

Fang's-Executioner said:

I'm gonna go lock the doors and call 911 now...

Spiffy: Hope we did ok on the comments!

Pooky: Yeah, we're not creative with names, so we chose some random ones...Hee hee.

Spiffy: And now, Iggy has a stalker! That'll give Saint something to work with!

Pooky: Poor Iggy...


42. Chapter 42: Of Torture and Stalkers

Hola, mis amigos!

Fang: Can we try English?

Me: Fine...So, I'm back....

Fang: We've been back for a while, actually, but since Avian Flu is the most popular story, it kind of gets a special 'We're back.'

Me: Well, yeah. So, I'm sure a bunch of ya who don't read any of my other stuff are wondering how I'm doing...

So, update:

Mom passed away July 22. I'd like to thank everyone who sent reviews, messages, etc. If you want more info on what's going on with that, read chapters 19 and 20 of my poetry corner.

Fang: I highly suggest Ch. 20. It's dedicated to Mum.

Me: A wonderful chapter, may I add. You know, you people could also follow my Twitter...StFangofBoredom.

Fang: Shameless adder.

Me: Yep! So, anyway, here I am, writing a ridiculously long A/N...

Fang: Please. This one's tiny.

Me: It's heading for longer, though. But don't worry, I've got plans for this chapter. Plans that have to do with my new obsession with making videos...

Fang: This could get scary...

Me: I feel the need to add a new disclaimer for this chapter...

Disclaimin' It, 'Cause Some of These People Scare Me: Not only do I not own Google, I don't own any of the info I got about torture and such. Thank Google.

Fang: Torture?

Me: You'll see....

Fang's POV


Fang's Hit List:

1. -Top Priority- Iggy.

2. Angel

3. Nudge

4. Gazzy



I was still working on number 5. Which was a more top-priority case, Jeb or Total? I mean, Jeb definetely had to go down, but Total was closer. And I needed to get Total, too, because he was really beginning to bug me about those bacon payments. I momentarily considered Ella going there, but Max would probably never speak to me again for killing her own sister. Justin seemed like another good target, but then I remembered he didn't exist.

Is it just me, or is the insanity in this house catching?

"What are you up to?" I heard Ella ask behind me.

I nearly jumped. "You know, it's rude to sneak up on people like that."

"You're one to talk." She said, sitting down on the bed next to me. "So, what's that?" She asked, pointing to the notebook I was writing in.

"My hit list." I answered, going back to it. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to know where Iggy is, would you?"

"He's in Mom's room, on the computer." She answered. "Why?"

I pointed to the list. "He's top priority."

She crossed her arms. "Fang, you are not going to attack Iggy behind his back!"

I shrugged. "Fine, I'll spin him around and attack him to his face. Doesn't matter. He won't see me coming either way." Suddenly, I thought of something. "Hey, how's Iggy on the computer? Is someone with him?"

Ella shook her head, smiling. "No, Mom showed him some program she got for the computer. It'll read him the words on the screen if he highlights them. And it has voice recogntion, so, if he says it, it will type it out. It's pretty cool. Ig's obsessed with it, of course."

I grinned. "Good, then he's alone and preoccupied. Perfect time to strike."

She glared at me. "Fang!"

I sighed, rolling my eyes. "Of course, you're probably going to warn him now."

"Fang, what are you even mad at him for, anyway?" Ella asked. "Do you even remember?"

"Yeah. He crossed me, and now he will pay." I went back to my Notebook of Doom, page two: Plans for Destruction.

"Fang, what did he do to 'cross you'?"

I looked up at Ella. "Don't you remember? The fist fight? Hello?"

She stared me down. "Fang....What was the fist fight about?"

I thought for a minute. The fist fight was about.......Well, to be honest, I hadn't really thought about it much. I just knew there had been a fist fight, and now he must pay. I mean, who needed the real reason, anyway? It happened, what more do you need to know? Quickly, I formulated an answer that would (hopefully) get Ella off my back.

"Hey, he pissed me off, alright? Don't want to talk about it. He's just going to pay."

She rolled her eyes, getting up. "Fang, sometimes you're so....Male." She said, walking out.

"Well, I'm sure as hell not female." I muttered, going back to my notebook again. I was still working on my 'Plans for Destruction' for everyone on my Hit List.


1. Iggy: ?

2. Angel: Whenever she's close by, sing the Barney song in my head loudly. (She hates that song.) (Warning: Could cause my own loss of sanity, but it would be so worth it.)

3. Nudge: Tell her the rumors of Robert Pattinson's death are true. That should be enough. Bonus: Tell her The Onion wasn't lying about Zac Efron's face melting.

4. Gazzy: Hide and/or destroy all Weird Al C.D.s. This could be both bad for him and a blessing for the rest of us.


As you could see, I was still having problems finding something evil enough to torture Iggy with. The simple little things I'd thought up for the rest of them just weren't going to be good enough for a villian as treacherous as the Igster. I needed to pull out the big guns for him.

I needed to find a plan so evil, so amazing, so epic win that he'd never see- errr...hear it coming.

There was only one place to look...


I booted my laptop up and opened a tab onto Google, the greatest thing invented since, like, the dictionary. Or encyclopedias. Newspapers. People Magazine.

I typed in 'epic win torture techniques' and clicked 'Search'.

The first thing that came up was a list of 'Top Ten Twisted Torture Techniques'. I clicked on it.


10. Keelhauling: Pirate torture. Victim attached to a pulley and dragged back and forth beneath the ship.

9. Rat Torture: Rats put in bucket. Bucket opening pressed against victim's stomach. Fire set at end of bucket. Rats, in order to escape, burrow through victim's flesh. Ewww....

8. Crocodile Shears: Shears shaped kinda like crocodile teeth are clamped onto...Dear God.

7. The Two-Man Saw: Two torturers cut the victim in two, starting at the.....Oh. My. God.

6. The Head-Crusher: Basically, the victim's head is crushed by some wacko headgear until his teeth shatter and his eyeballs pop out. Ewww...

5. Iron Maiden: No, it's not a band...It's a big, human-sized box with spikes on the inside. Enough said.

4. The Stake: Just your average, run-of-the-mill iron stake, heated up on coals and used to stab people with.

3: The Pope's Pear: A device that had an end shaped like a pear. When you turned the lever, the pear would open like a flower with three razor-sharp petals. Pear could be put in the mouth and in....Other places....

2: The Wheel: Victims limbs are broken then threaded through the spokes of a wheel. Wouldn't be using that wheel for my cart...

1: Scaphism: Victim tied to a boat, face up and let out in a stagnant pond. Given enough honey and milk to induce diarrhea (Ew.). Honey applied all over body. Honey and diarrhea attract flies which eventually fed off the victim and laid eggs in his flesh.


Ok, not only did I not hate Iggy that much, but some of those were just....gross. I obviously needed a new keyword.

I tried 'ways to torture friends'.

I saw a site marked '4 Fun Ways to Torture Your Friends!' Ok, that sounds safe...


1) Chinese Water Torture. Tie them down somewhere. Bed works. Tub is fine also. Then slowly drip cold water onto the same spot on their forehead, slowly, drip. drop. drip. drop. They will go insane. Make sure you film it and put it on facebook. Let the hilarity ensue.

2) Pluck out all their hair and make them eat it. This one takes some time, so make sure you clear a whole day for it. Works best on a female friend or a male friend with longer hair. All you need is tweezers and a pie! Simply pluck each hair out of their head, one by one, then insert into the pie. Cook the pie. Tell your friend you won't untie them until they eat the pie. Of course, you can eat it with them if you choose. It's kind of mean to make them eat the whole pie...

3) Crucifixion. Many people don't regard this as torture, but more as a way to cruelly execute someone. Everyone, however, agrees it is fun! And relatively cheap! All you need is some wood, nails and a hammer. If you're looking to avoid spendage (and really, who isn't in this silly economy of ours) then you can use planks and nails that are already in your house! Just search your basement or around the house. This can be part of the fun! Of course, improvising is welcome here. For a fun alternative, try using plain kitchen knives on a wooden wall (or course you may need to Spackle after). If you want to role play, you can even simulate the crucifixion of Jesus by creating a crown out of thorns or construction paper. WARNING: Make sure you remove your friend after a few hours so they don't DIE!!! Also, when nailing their hands, make sure you puncture through the wrist, not the hands, as generally the weight of a person makes it impossible to crucify through the actual hands.

4) Dial-up internet access. Just replace their Broadband Internet with dial-up. Watch the torture truly begin.


Seriously? Did people hate their friends these days? Especially the dial-up internet one. The horror....The horror....

At that point, I decided to take a break and check some other stuff out. As I was checking my e-mail, I noticed my little chat feature I had recently set up for my blog. I didn't use it that much, even though I did have a screen name on it (I Am So Not Fang). It was mostly for my blog reader's use. I pulled it up for a minute anyway and noticed a familiar screen name was logged on...

Fang's Executioner.

Oh, hi, Iggy....

I still really wanted to work on my ultimate (but not deadly or life-ruining) torture of the little pyro, but there was no reason I couldn't have a little fun with him while I was here.

I noticed a little application this chat-thing had where you could 'poke' someone who was on. I got an idea...

I logged on, clicked Iggy's name, and began madly pressing the 'poke' key. Then, I logged off again before he could say anything.

Ok, so it was stupid, but I bet I annoyed him a bit.

In a bit lighter mood, I went back to Google and typed in 'ways to extremely annoy your friends'. That should be safer.

I clicked on one that said '30 Ways to Annoy Your Friends' and automatically had to plug my ears while trying to hit the volume button. Annoying music much? Was 'show them this site' one of the 30 ways to annoy them?

After having to close a couple pop-ups, I read the list.


1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. Say "Wouldn't you like to know?" everytime someone asks you a question.

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to "keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.


Ok, though highly amusing, I doubted any of these would help me in my attempt to epically torture Iggy. I saved the list to my favorites anyway, though, for future reference.

I searched for hours on Google, but found nada. Zip. Zilch. Not one thing that sounded like something I could use on Iggy. (Ok, so I spent a good number of those hours watching stupid YouTube videos, but only for torture inspiration, I swear.)

Max eventually knocked on my door and told me dinner would be ready soon. I'd been feeling well enough lately to come out and at least get my own dinner. Besides, for reasons that involved the letters I, G, G, and Y, I didn't trust the kitchen help much. I wanted to get my own food, not have it delivered to me by the kitchen minion. (Ella.)

As I walked out of my room, I heard Iggy's voice coming out of Dr. M's room. I stopped outside, pressing myself against the wall. A couple slow, calming breaths later, I was the same light beige as the wall behind me.

"There has got to be something we can do about this." Iggy said, as he and Dr. Martinez stepped out of her room. "This girl's creeping me out."

"Well, I can't blame you for being a bit...'creeped out', but I'm not sure what you'd do, exactly, in this situation." Dr. M answered. "It's not like you can get a restraining order against a screen name."

"Great." Iggy muttered. "I have a stalker."

"Iggy has a stalker?" I thought as the two walked by.

"I could use this to my advantage."

Me: That doesn't sound good...

Fang: No, it sounds awesome.

Me: -rolls eyes- Hmmm....I wonder what kind of conversation Iggy had on the chat?

Fang: I have a feeling that's not really a question...

Me: Well, though it hasn't been made at this time, by the time this chapter is posted, there will be, on either my max-dan-wiz account (St. Fang of Boredom), or my YouTube account (StFangofBoredom), a video of the chat!

Fang: Oh, great....

Me: So, check it out, people! And check out my other stuff, too!

Fang: Yeah....And if any of you ever wondered what Saint's voice sounds like, YouTube's the place to find out...

Me: Me and my video camera....


And, on the video...

W&C? (Watch and Comment?)

(More information on video in A/N of next chapter)

43. Chapter 43: Paranoia Problems

So, since I'm such a nice, caring person, I'm going to post two chapters along with my cool video, all at once! (Info on video below.)

Fang: Actually, she's just bored.

Me: -whacks Fang- Well, I was going to do two chapters, anyway...

Fang: So, we're sitting in a college...

Me: Yes, Fang and I are at our first day of college! Wee iz intelijent calej stoodints!

Fang: So intelligent....

Me: Well, if we weren't, we wouldn't be here! So, we're going to be working so hard!

Fang: We only have two classes...

Me: Two classes that will take up a lot of our time-

Fang: We only have class on Wednesdays.

Me: -glares at Fang- Could you shut up?

Fang: You know, I used to be a very quiet person. Then you kidnapped me.

Me: -rolls eyes- Ok, so we only have two classes on Wednesday, but we do need to get jobs!

Fang: Yeah...

Me: And the homework has the potential to be killer.

Fang: Well, possibly. We've only been to one class, so far.

Me: For Child Growth and Development, we have to do four case studies on four different children.

Fang: Joyous...

Me: Ok, but we can rant more about that later. Let's write the darn chapter!

Fang: Good. I can go and get more food at the campus cafe/thing.

Me: -sigh-

Iggy's POV

I don't know if you've ever been stalked before, but I can tell you, it's a very....Disconcerting experience.

I had no clue who this...'iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG' person was, but she seemed to know a lot about me. In one chat session, she'd been able to tell me and everyone else how I shopped, where I ate, what color I wore most (blue), even how many bags of groceries I carried at a time. She also made a comment about a certain....body part of mine that, though slightly flattering, was also highly disturbing.

If I wasn't paranoid before, I sure was now. I was jumping at every little noise, I refused to leave the house by myself, I even walked sideways with my back against the wall when I was outside.

Understandably, Dr. Martinez was starting to worry about me.

"Iggy, I can't really blame you for feeling a bit paranoid about this...Internet stalker of yours, but don't you think you're taking this a bit too far? You can't let her rule your life."

"We could also try harder to figure out who it is, so I won't have to worry." I pointed out.

She sighed. "Iggy, I've done everything possible aside from getting the police involved. Look, this house is safe. No one's getting in without us knowing. When you go out, you'll just have someone go with you as usual. There's nothing to worry about."

I thought for a minute. "You know, I hear Maine's a nice place to live. Ever think about moving there?"


"Well, I'm guessing my stalker is probably a teenage girl, so she probably lives with her parents and doesn't have the ability to move to follow me. So, how about that pine tree state?"

Dr. M just groaned and walked out.

Of course, my worries weren't just for me. This stalker had mentioned hurting Ella. I couldn't let that happen. Ever. I thought about this dance I waas supposed to go with her to. I wanted to go, more than anything, but I couldn't help thinking, what if I go, and that stalker's there, and she hurts Ella because she's with me? It was horrifying.

So, I went to Ella's room to tell her I wasn't going.

"Nonsense." She answered. "You're going."

"Ella, I don't want you to get hurt." I explained. "I wouldn't forgive myself."

I felt her hands slip into mine. She had the smallest, most delicate hands. "Iggy, that's very chivalrous of you and all, but I'm not afraid of some teenage stalker who obviously needs to get a life, and neither should you. Now, get out. I've gotta change."

And that was that. I wanted to keep refusing, but I also knew Ella would go with or without me, and I also didn't want her to go out alone. It was quite a predicament.

So now, I was sitting in my room, trying to come up with the best plan to find out/get rid of/avoid my stalker.

And was coming up with zip.

I had, though, out of boredom, gone through every piece of clothing that I own and found out that my stalker was right. I did wear blue most often. Creepy.

I was just putting my clothes back in my closet when I heard a peculiar noise.


I turned toward the noise. It sounded like it had come from the direction of my window.

Click. Click.

It sounded familiar. Like....A camera.

Click. Click. Click. Click.

I don't think I've ever ran faster in my life.

"Dr. Martinez!!" I yelled, running down the hall madly. "Dr. M! DR. MARTINEZ!!!"

That's when I ran into the door.


"Well, if you weren't running around like that, you wouldn't run into things." I heard Max's voice say next to me. "Now, what are you yelling about?"

By then, I was out of breath. "Stalker....Window....Camera.....Nose."


I took a couple deep breaths. "The stalker. I think she's taking pictures of me through my window. Oh, and my nose is bleeding."

A few minutes later, I found myself sitting on the couch, holding a kleenex to my bleeding nose, waiting for Max to come back from my room.

I heard her turn the corner into the living room, sighing. "Iggy, there's no one at your window."

I rolled my eyes. "Of course there's no one there now." I said. "She probably ran off when I did. Or, shortly after I did. Did you notice if all my clothes were there?"

"Iggy, how would I know if any of your clothes were missing."

"Ok, point." I said. "Just wondered. You know, she might be stealing them. Building a shrine to me or something."



"I'm beginning to worry about you."

"Good." I answered. "I'm worried about me, too. What if I'm kidnapped or something?"

"Ig, that's not what I meant."

"Then what do you mean?" I asked.

"Are you sure that this stalker's as bad as you think she is?" Max asked me.

"You didn't see that chat." I answered. "She knew things about me only someone who spent time around me would know. Like, how many bags of groceries I carry at a time, and where I start shopping at the grocery store!"

"Those could be lucky guesses." Max pointed out.


"Iggy, how many groceries do you carry in at a time?"


"And where do you start shopping?"

"The produce section."

"Iggy, plenty of other people do both those things." Max said, sitting down next to me. "It doesn't take a stalker to guess that."

"How does that explain how she knows I wear blue most often?"

"You know, Nudge might've mentioned that on her 'Fashion Flock' blog post."

I sighed, getting up. "Fine, Max. Doubt me. When you wake up one morning, and find me missing, I hope you think back to today." I started to walk purposefully and dramatically away.

And tripped on the coffee table.


I heard Max snicker behind me.

"Oh, yeah. Laugh at the poor, stressed-out blind kid. Real nice, Max."

I finally pulled myself together and stormed into the kitchen. It didn't take me long to find flour, water, and yeast and soon had my own edible punching bag.

"What're you doing?" Angel asked, coming up behind me. I heard the familiar thump thump that meant she was jump roping in the house again.

"Angel, you're not supposed to be jumping with that thing in the house." I said, aiming another punch at my new psuedo-enemy.

The thumping stopped. "Fine. So, what are you doing?"

"I'm making Max bread. See this bread dough? It's name is Max." I punched the bread dough extra hard, unfortunately, punching right through the dough and hitting the granite countertop.

"Ow!" I said, jumping back, shaking my hand.

"You know, it's not Max's fault you have a stalker."

I glared in Angel's general direction. "Yeah, well, she could at least believe me."

"I think she believes you." Angel said. "She just thinks you're taking it too far."

"Because I should just be ok with being stalked by some rabid fangirl." I said, reaching into a cupboard to grab my flour. I felt my hand touch a piece of paper that hadn't been there before. I pulled it out. It was a pink piece of paper. I didn't remember having anything with a pink label on it before.

I handed it to Angel. "Hey, Ang? Does this say anything?"

She took the piece of paper. "Yeah, it says, 'I Love Iggy'."

Oh, no. "Really?"

"Yeah, and it has little hearts drawn on it."

"Oh, that's creepy." Great, now this girl was breaking into the house and leaving notes in my flour cupboard?

"You know, it might not be your stalker." Angel pointed out. "It could be anyone in the house."

"Like who?"


I went back to beating my Max dough up. "What makes you think that?"

"Well, she likes you, you're guys are going to a dance, and when I said that, your face turned red."

"...Did not."

Angel giggled. "I'm gonna go find Total. You have fun beating up Max." She jump roped down the hall.

I rolled my eyes. That little girl thought she knew everything. One of her comments, though, interested me. Ella liked me, huh? Well, obviously, she'd invited me to a dance. What did it mean that she 'liked' me, anyway? I mean, there's a difference between 'like' and 'like'. Did Angel really even know that difference, or was she still at a stage that if two people like wearing the same color, they're meant to be? I mean, sometimes that girl was wise beyond her years, other days, she was a typical 6-year-old.

I took a break from my Max dough beating to get a drink. I reached into the fridge, hoping there was a soda left in there. Instead, I found...

Another pink note.

Two notes? Ok...If she left one in the cupboard and one in the fridge...

I felt around on the second shelf of the fridge and, just as I thought, found a third note. There were a couple more in the door. Two in the freezer. I started going through all the drawers. There was, at least, one in each drawer. I found that the drawers I used most often had more in them. This was creeptacular.

The more I explored the kitchen, the more I found. Four in the microwave, one in each chair, a couple on the table. She'd even put some in the toaster! Smart move there. She announces her love for me and tries to burn my house down at the same time. This girl wasn't bright.

I was just pulling my eight pink love notes out of the oven when Dr. Martinez walked in. "Iggy, what are you doing? Why's the fridge still open?"

"Oh, you can close that now." I said, not bothering to get out of the oven. "I think I got all the notes in there."

"Notes?" She asked as I heard her shut the refrigerator door.

"Yes." I said, finally crawling out of the oven. I held out the little pink slips I'd found in there. "Notes. From my stalker."


"Dr. M, look at them. They're all over the place! And read what the say!"

"Iggy, how could someone break into this house and put notes everywhere?"

"The same way someone can take pictures of me through my own window!"

I heard her sigh. "Iggy, look-"

By then, I'd had it. "Nevermind. I'll be in my room, under my bed, curled in the fetal position in fear. Call me when you want to start taking me seriously." I stormed off down the hall before she could say anything else. Ok, so I stormed into a wall before I managed storming down the hall, but mentioning that really ruins the whole 'dramatic effect'.

There was another thing to add to my already pissed-off state. I was so stressed, I wasn't paying as much attention as usual, which meant I kept forgetting to watch out for walls, doors, coffee tables...Stuff like that. At the rate I was going, I didn't really need to worry about my stalker 'cause I would beat myself up.

Of course, if I was expecting things to get better when I got to my room, I was sorely disappointed. Before I could walk in, Gazzy stopped me at the door.

"Iggy, I just think you should know..." Gazzy said.

"What is it?" Now what?

"Somebody left some stuff on your bed..."

"Stuff?" I asked. "What kind of stuff?"

"Like, chocolates. And cards. It looks like Valentine's Day in there!" He blurted it.

No. Freaking. Way.

I walked in and made my way to my bed. Sure enough, someone had covered my bed in chocolates, candy hearts, and a bunch of old Valentine's Day decorations.

I rushed back out of that room. There was no way I was sleeping in there tonight. Not if my stalker kept breaking in there.

"Iggy? Where are you going?" Gazzy asked.

"Far away from that room!" I yelled back. I was beginning to think moving to Maine might not be far enough. As soon as I could, I needed to look up vacation homes in Mongolia.

"What's all the yelling about?"

I spun around at the sound of Fang's voice. "Fang?"

"Yeah, well, it's not Santa Clause." he grumbled. "What are you yelling for?"

"Fang, I know you're not exactly...Happy with me, but can I sleep in your room tonight?" I asked as nicely as I could. Maybe my stalker would stay away to avoid catching his germs.


"Fang, this is going to sound crazy...."

"Try me."

I took a deep breath. "Fang, I have a stalker."

Silence. Then, "Oh, really? I-" He burst into hysterics.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, go ahead. Laugh,"

"No, no..." Fang said between laughs. "I-I knew about the st-stalker!"

I was beginning to get seriously pissed. "Yeah, and you found it so funny..."

"Y-yes and no." Fang said, trying to get ahold of himself. "I overheard you and Dr. M talking about this stalker, and I needed revenge for the whole fight we had..."

It all started to click together. "You."

"Got the Valentine's Decorations from the basement." Fang said, starting to crack up again. "And Ella sure has a lot of pink paper..."

A lot of things ran through my mind. I thought of punching him. Of throwing things at him. Of running off and telling Max every single embarrassing secret I knew about Fang, including how he had a crush on the little mermaid when he was ten. But, in the end, I found myself laughing along with him, more out of relief. I wasn't being stalked. Well, at least not as badly as I thought. The house was still a safe haven.

Besides, I could save all the revenge stuff for later, when he wasn't expecting it.

"Dude, you are so evil!" I said, giving him a shove. "You had me totally freaked!"

"That was the plan!" He said, laughing. "Hey, are we cool now?"

"Sure. I'm just glad I'm not being stalked!"

"Oh, you're kidding me..."

We both turned toward Max's voice. "What?" Fang asked.

"You guys have a big fight over nothing, one of you scares the crap out of the other one, and now you're friends again?!" She exclaimed. "Is this really how guys work?"

I shrugged. "Basically."

Max sighed and Fang and I laughed again.

Max could be annoyed all she wanted. Nothing was going to ruin my newly-found happy mood.

Max's POV

"I can't believe you did that to Iggy."

It was later at night and I was sitting on Fang's bed with him, finishing up the leftovers from dinner. I was still completely baffled by the fact that Fang and Iggy were suddenly best buds again. Seriously, men were a totally different breed of human.

Fang just shrugged. "Hey, it was fun."

"I'm still working out how you pulled all that off." I said, lying down next to him. "The notes in the kitchen were pretty easy, but where did you get the Valentine's candy?"

"Well, those chocolate boxes are actually empty, they were just left over." He explained. "And the candy hearts are kind of old....I wouldn't eat them."

"Alright." I said. "But what about the picture taking? Did you, like, sneak outside to do that? That really freaked him out."


I looked over at him. "Yeah?"

"What picture taking?"

Me: Never has it taken me longer to update anything else...

Fang: Wow...Guess Iggy still has a stalker after all.

Me: Yeah...Creeptacular. Fun.

Fang: So, how about that chat video?

Me: Oh, yeah! Because YouTube is McStupid, I had to put my video on max-dan-wiz . com instead. Made me so angry!

Fang You can say that again. The swears....The horror....

Me: So, you will find the video on my max-dan-wiz . com account: St. Fang of Boredom. (There's a link to it on my FF profile.)

(Feel free to look up my YouTube, too! StFangofBoredom)

Fang: *pokes* Ha ha...

Me: Funny...And you should all watch my Figgy/Miggy video...

Fang: No, you shouldn't. You should all watch my Tag Video on max-dan-wiz!

Me: You mean your crappy video?

Fang: Yours is crappier!

Me: Is not!

Fang: Is too!

Me: Is not!

Fang: Is too!

R&R? Just to shut us up....

44. Chapter 44: Homestaying Dance

Me: Well, it's about bloody time I updated this, huh?

Fang: Eh, it happens...

Me: Yeah...I have too many stories going at once! Damn my tendency to overwhelm myself! Oh well....Oh, for those of you who didn't know, Fang and I have jobs now!

Fang: We work at Subway....Joy....

Me: Hey, it's money! We need money...

Fang: -nods- Damn green stuff...

Me: Ever notice money is green and silver, the same colors as Slytherin house in Harry Potter?

Fang: Interesting observation...So money is evil!

Me: I guess so...

Fang: Except for those little copper pennies...

Me: They're different, somehow...Aren't worth as much...

Fang: -nods-

Me: Ok, how about we start the darn chapter before the good readers get annoyed? They've waited long enough...

Fang: Ok..Just tell them the quick fact...

Me: Oh, yeah! Someone pointed out to me that this story has more reviews than Wings of Wrath! Holy guacamole!

Fang: Wow...

Fang's POV

"Ok." Iggy said from behind me. "How do I look?"

I turned around on Iggy's bed and analyzed his newest outfit. "You look exactly the same as you did in the last outfit, only in blue."

Iggy made a sound somewhere between a sigh and a groan. "Come on, Fang! I don't want to look stupid at this dance-thing!"

I rolled my eyes. "Well, you're already screwed there."

Iggy glared in my general direction. I just sighed.

"Ig, you'll look fine no matter what you dress in. Really, I don't think Ella will be paying much attention to your clothes tonight, anyway."

Iggy, who had turned around to grab another shirt, jumped slightly. "Who said this was about Ella?"

I rolled my eyes again and flopped back on the bed. "Ok, Iggy, let's stop kidding ourselves here. You. Like. Ella. Ella. Likes. You. You are going to this dance because Ella asked you because she has a crush on you. You have a crush on her so you agreed. You're going to go into that dance hall, have a great time, and, with any luck, run off to Vegas and have some Elvis wannabe tie the knot for you. Then, you guys can go on some crazy honeymoon and Gazzy'll have his own room and I won't have to play Queer Eye for the Straight Blind Guy and help you pick out clothes. We good?"

Iggy blinked a couple times. "You know, when you want to, you can sure talk a lot."

I shrugged. "Comes from not talking much. Eventually, you get everything bottled in there and it comes out in one big explosion."

"That's not good for you, you know." Iggy said, throwing a pair of pants back in his closet.

I shrugged. "What else is new?"

Iggy went to throw another article of clothing back into his closet, then froze, turning to me. "Fang?"


"Did you just call yourself 'queer' back there?"

"Iggy, shut up and go to your stinking dance."

You know, I almost felt bad for Iggy.

Dr. Martinez had insisted on taking some pictures of Ella and Iggy before they went to the dance, and every time the camera flashed, Iggy winced. I'm sure that white light felt so good on his eyes...And Dr. M. didn't seem to notice. She just kept clicking away. What did she think this was, prom or something? Maybe she had more faith in my 'run off to Vegas' idea than I did, and wanted to get some last-minute pictures. Or she wanted to get Iggy's picture to stick on some wanted signs in case he kidnapped Ella. Or she was afraid they would both be kidnapped by Iggy's stalker (whom we hadn't yet had the heart to tell him probably was behind the picture-taking fiasco) and wanted pictures to put on milk cartons.

Or maybe I should just stop rambling and get back to the story.

"Mom, really, can we just go?" Ella was starting to look a bit uncomfortable herself, twitching in her black-and-white dress. I had to admit, Ella looked pretty cute. (Don't let Max or Iggy know I thought that.) She had her hair curled around so that it framed her face. She was wearing just enough make-up to enhance her looks, but not so much that she looked like Picasso had been painting on her face. She had even dug out some high heels, probably realizing that she'd need them to get anywhere near Iggy's height tonight.

Iggy was one damn lucky guy.

I heard Nudge giggle behind me. She walked over and fixed Iggy's shirt. After I'd failed to be much help to Iggy with the whole 'what to wear' deal, he'd gotten advice from our personal Flock Fashion Guru. She'd done a pretty good job. Blue really was Iggy's color and Nudge had found a blue shirt that matched Iggy's eyes. Not to mention some black pants that may have been stolen from my closet.

God, I'm standing here analyzing people's clothes. I'm beginning to worry myself...

When Nudge was done rearranging Iggy's shirt, she turned to Ella, grinning. "You know, I still think you should've worn the celery green dress."

Ella rolled her eyes along with Iggy as the rest of us laughed. "Yeah, yeah, you're all a bunch of comedians. So, can we go now or what?"

Dr. Martinez whipped her keys out of her pocket. "Alright, guys, let's roll." She jerked her head toward the door and Angel, Gazzy, and Nudge ran out, followed by Ella leading Iggy along behind her.

"Well, this should be fun." Dr. M said to Max and I. "I'm leaving my youngest daughter off at a social meltdown with her first real date, I'm taking three rambuctious kids to Chuck E. Cheese's, I'm letting a talking dog and his girlfriend have a romantic camping trip in the backyard, and, maybe the craziest of all, I'm leaving my oldest daughter home alone to watch the invalid teenage boy."

Max smiled and gave her mom a quick hug. "We'll be fine, Mom. Have fun with the kids."

"Yeah, and remember, do not let Gazzy in the ball pit. Bad things happen..." I added.

"I'll...Remember that, Fang." Dr. Martinez said. She nodded to both of us and followed the kids out the door.

As soon as I heard the car pull out of the driveway, I stretched both my arms and wings back, starting to turn to head toward the couch. "A night of no kids, no Iggy and Ella, no dogs, no disturbances..."

"Fang, get dressed."


Max pulled me around to look me in the eye. "Get out of your pajamas and get dressed."

"Why?" What did she have planned this time? I was so not leaving the house...

"If Iggy and Ella can go to a dance, why can't we have one? Right here. You and me."


"I-I guess we could..."

She grinned and gave me a light shove toward the hall. "Well, go get ready!"

I almost ran down the hall, wanting to hurry and see what Max had come up with now.

You know what? Forget Iggy. I'm one lucky guy...

"I got your runaway smile in my piggybank baby

Gonna cash it right in for a new Mercedes

You were worth the hundred thousand miles

But you couldn't stay awhile."

It's not often that I walk out of my room and get theme music following me. It's kinda like being in a movie or something...

"I got your little brown shirt in my bottom drawer, baby

And your little white socks in the top drawer

You were always leaving your shit around

And gone without a sound."

I turn the corner into the living room....

And nearly died of shock.

I'm dreaming, right? Max does not wear dresses. To get her to do that, you have to give her a couple doses of Valium, and even then you have to handcuff her. So there was no way that I was looking at Max dressed up in a dark blue dress that I'm pretty sure must have been borrowed from Ella. It was impossible...

"What, Fang? Never seen a girl act like a girl before?" Max asked, putting her hands on her hips.

Yep, that was Max. I wasn't dreaming. At least she was wearing black flats. If she had been wearing high heels, I don't think I would've been able to handle it.

I suddenly felt very underdressed in my usual black-on-black ensemble. Not to mention the still-itchy chickenpox spots. I gulped.

"You look....Amazing, Max."

"You think so?" She asked, spinning around. "Ella let me borrow it. I thought it kind of looked...Out of character, for me."

"Well, it's definetely not combat boots and jeans." I said, walking up to her. I put my hand up and pushed a strand of hair out of her face. Oh, her hair was so soft....She must've washed it. "But it's nice....Beautiful."

She smiled, putting her hand on mine. "Thanks."

"Yeah, I'm the first to fall and the last to know

Where'd you go?"

"So, what's all this about, anyway?" I asked as the song brought me back into reality.

"Well, I figured if Ella and Iggy can go to a dance, why can't we?" Max explained. "Besides, you and I, we've....Never had, like, any kind of date-type thing, ya know?"

Woah, romantic Max? That was new... "Well, either one or the other of us has been sick, so dates haven't really been possible."

"Which is why we're having a dance here." Max said. "I have snacks on the table, music playing, and the two of us all dressed up, so...." She took my other hand. "Let's dance, ok?"

Dance? "Ummm...I don't think I know how to....Dance."

Max shrugged. "Neither do I. We'll, excuse the pun, wing it."

I smiled. "Alright..."

"Now I'm heels over head, I'm hangin upside-down

Thinkin' how you left me for dead California-bound."

You can say that again...I felt kind of...Upside-Down...In a good way.

So, we soon found out our dancing skills were, well, let's just say we wouldn't be on Dancing With The Stars anytime soon.

We were soon just spinning each other in slow circles in the middle of the room so it was more like a 'who can make the other thro\w up their punch and crackers first' contest than a dance. But, it was fun. Quiet. Nice.

"Fang, can I ask you a question?" Max asked.

"Sure." Max's hair smelled good...

"Fang, what are we, anyway?" Max asked. "I mean, are Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Friends with benefits? By the way, if you say 'friends with benefits, I will knee you so hard right now, you'll never have children."

I almost laughed. Typical Max. "Max, I don't really have an answer."

She gave me a blank stare. "You don't?"

I shrugged. "No, and stop looking at me like that. Look, Max, I....Never really thought about what we 'were', we just are. Why do we have to have some kind of label, anyway?" I started ranting before I could stop myself. "It's kind of stupid, if you think about it. I mean, why can't two people love each other without have to stick a label on it, anyway? The whole 'dating' system just some stupid thing human society came up with, anyway, and we're definetely not part of the normal human society, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, Fang. I get it." Max and I had stopped 'dancing' and I hadn't even noticed 'till then. I think the fumes from her hair were getting to me...

"Hey, Fang?"


"Did you just say...The 'L' word?"

"The 'L' word?" What did she mean by....Oh.... "I was just...Just saying it as....Just an example....I....Hey, there are some crackers left!"

I saw Max roll her eyes as I made my way back to our snack table. "You're impossible, Fang..."

I turned back to her. "And you're absolutely amazing, Maximum." I held out a plate. "Cracker?"

She took one cracker off the plate...

And threw it at me,

So, I threw one back.

About twenty crackers and a plate of cheese later, we had made a bit of a mess in Dr. M.'s living room, but were laughing too hard to notice.

You know, I've never been to a dance in my life, but I have a feeling, even if I ever go to a real one, I'll remember this one as the best.

Fang: Jeez, you almost turned it into a songfic, here.

Me: Yeah...I love that song...

Fang: Heels Over Head by Boys Like Girls. Yeah, good song.

Me: Another fitting song...Can you feel the love tonight???

Fang: Ugh. The romance is killing me.

Me: It's beautiful! Fax is really under way!

Fang: Joyous...

Me: And just wait 'till we see what Iggy and Ella are up to!

Fang: I'm almost scared to find out...


45. Chapter 45: Dance Lessons

Me: I would like to thank Fang for ruining the element of surprise...

Fang: Your element of surprise? Whatever...

Me: Fang sent a fan known as Fangalicous08 the Chapter 44!

Fang: Only as a prize for winning my Twitter Trivia game...Had to give out something! Just be glad it was that chapter! Kara wanted your real name!

Me: If you weren't sick right now, I'd...

Fang: You'd what? You're sick, too!

Me: Don't remind me...

Fang: How about we just write this chapter and put the past behind us?

Me: You're right! Focus on chapter now, hurt you later! From behind!

Fang: That's not what I meant....

Iggy's POV

I was sure I was going to have a headache by the end of this.

I had never been to a more noisy place in my life. The music was pounding in my ears, teens were screaming, yelling and running around, not to mention the adults who were running around yelling at the kids who were running around. It was almost scary. I mean, it's bad enough being blind, but being in a place like this rendered me almost deaf, too.

Luckily, I still had the sense of touch. And that sense was going into hyper drive, what with Ella's hand entwined in mine. Obviously, she was afraid to lose me, which was fine, because I was a bit afraid to lose her in this crowd.

She led me over to the snack table and proceeded to list off everything there so I would know if I wanted anything. I just took a cup of punch. My stomach was to butterfly-filled to eat anything else.

Ok, maybe Fang had a point on this 'liking Ella' thing...

Not that knowing and accepting that fact was helping me out that much. Actually, I was better off when I was in denial. I had no freaking clue what I should do now. It had just occured to me upon arriving that I had never danced in my life, unless you count the chicken dance or the cha cha slide. This night had the potential to end in disaster.

I found myself desperately trying to remember anything I knew about normal human dating. Unfortunately, the only things I could remember had been from those stupid soap opera shows, and since I was pretty sure that Ella didn't have an evil twin, or that Fang was going to run in and announce that he was paying Justin's child support, none of that stuff was gonna help.

I suddenly realized what I had to do. I had to ask that...dreaded question. I took a deep breath. Stop shaking, Ig. It's just Ella. You can ask Ella this, right? Of course you can! Come on, Iggy....Oh, for crying out loud, I'm giving myself a pep-talk in my head! I need to ask this question before I lose my mind...

"Hey, Ella, you-"

"Yo! Ella!"

"Hey, Nate!" Ella said. "What's up?"

"...Wanna dance...." I whispered under my breath. Damn, I hated that Nate kid!

"And, hey! Ivan, right?" Nate asked.

"Iggy." I corrected him, trying not to growl.

"Right, right. Iggy." He didn't seem all that concerned about my name. "So, Ella, having a good time yet?"

"Well, we just got here." Ella explained. "So-"

"So let's get this party rolling!" Nate exclaimed. Suddenly, I felt Ella's hand tug at mine as Nate tried to pull her forward. "Come on, Ella, the night is young!"

I felt my free hand ball up into a fist. Was it a good idea to deck a kid at a community center dance? Probably not. Did I care? Hell no.

"Nate, cut it out!" Ella said suddenly. She must have pulled her hand out of Nate's grasp, because she backed up next to me again. "Nate, I'm here with Iggy. Why don't you go see if Melinda or someone is around, ok?"

I think I know what people mean when they say they get a 'warm, fuzzy' feeling...Ella wanted to stick with me?

"Sure. Fine. Whatevs." Nate said, sounding defeated. Ha. Owned. "I'll...See ya around."

"Gosh, he thinks he's something else!" Ella exclaimed when Nate was gone. "Trying to drag me off like that...Acting like Mr. Big Shot..."

"Hey, Ella?"

"Yeah, Iggy?"

"If you don't mind me saying.....I think he;s an ass."

I heard Ella start to crack up. "Yeah, that about sums him up...."

Sensing a 'now or never' moment, I summoned up what little courage I had left. "So, Ella, we are at a dance, so..."

"So?" She asked.

I gulped. "Wanna dance?"

She was silent for a moment. "Iggy...Do you even know how to dance?"

I grinned sheepishly. "No..."

Suddenly, her other hand slipped into mine. "Come on. I'll teach you."

I'm sure we weren't exactly the best dancers out there, but with Ella, we sure weren't the worst.

I guess Dr. M had signed Ella up for some dancing classes when she was younger, and they had paid off. I just had to let Ella lead and try my best to follow, and she was careful not to go to fast for me. I didn't know what other people thought of us, but that was one good thing about being blind. Since I couldn't see them, I didn't really care much about them.

Suddenly, the music switched to something a little more on the.....Romantic side. A slow dance.

Oh, God...

"Ok, Ella, what do I do?" I asked my capable dance teacher.

She took both of my hands in hers. Then, she placed them both on her hips.

Please say she can't see the shade of red my face is turning...

Without warning, her arms wrapped around my neck. Now, I was trying to stop myself from hyperventillating...

"Now, we just dance, Ig."

"MmHmm..." I seemed to have lost the ability of speech...

For a while, we were silent, just moving to the music.

"So, Iggy, you having fun?" Ella finally whispered to me.

I hadn't realized how close her face was to mine. I also didn't realize that deep a shade of red existed, especially not on my face. "Yeah, I'm having fun." I managed to whisper out. "Y-you?"


I took a deep breath. I needed to calm down. If I didn't, my heart may go into cardiac arrest...



"I..." She took a deep breath herself. "There's something..."

"Yeah, Ella?" What was she trying to say?

"Iggy...Oh..." She sounded annoyed by the fact that she couldn't find the right words. "Ig...Oh, what the Hell."

"Ella, wha-" But I was suddenly cut off by something.

Ella's lips pressed against mine.

I swear, I died for a second. I mean, if you're heart stops and your brain momentarily explodes, you're dead, right? And even when they started up again, my heart was beating a mile a minute and my head was spinning like a top.

My brain just couldn't handle the sensory overload, I guess. It's probably a miracle I didn't faint. All of my overly-acute senses went into hyperdrive. I could feel her lips against mine, her body against mine, every movement she made. I swear I could hear both our heartbeats. And, for the record, she smelled like oranges and tasted like peppermint.

It took realizing the song had changed for the two of us to finally seperate. We had even stopped dancing without realizing it.

We just stood there for a while, just breathing. We still had our arms wrapped around each other and, frankly, I wasn't willing to let go anytime soon.

But, soon, I could hear people starting to whisper. You know, 'cause it wasn't exactly 'cool' for two people to just stand in the middle of the dance floor, holding each other.

"Come on, Ella." I whispered to her. "Let's go outside and get some air."

"Alright." We relunctantly let go of each other and Ella took my hand, leading me out of the crowd.

"Iggy." Ella said as we got away from the noise of the dance. "You're....Amazing."

I smiled. "So are you, Ella. Amazing."

Me: There, now Kara and Bell should be pleased....Kara can go to bed now!

You see, I started this chapter, then had to stop it to go to the Great Skype Wedding of Rainbowstrike and Iggy. It's a long story...

Anyway, after the wedding, Kara and Bell bugged me into updating, so....

I dedicate this chapter to Kara and Bell!

Oh, and Fang got drunk at the wedding.

Fang: I swear to drunk I'm not God!

Me: Right...

R&R? Romantical, no?

46. Chapter 46: The After Effects of Love

Me: So, in my crazy attempt to see how many fanfics I can update in one day...

Fang: -glares-

Me: Ok, half a day, I just found some of the next chapter of Avian Flu that I started writing in College Comp. class, so decided to start on this, too.

Fang: Saint's really outdoing herself now. She's got six windows open. This one, 'Double Date 14', 'Facts of Life 11', 'Mr. Wooden Alligator', Twitter, and...What does that say?!

Me: What?

Fang: 'How to....' What?!

Me: It's for Facts of Life, Fang...Don't worry.

Fang: Phew, I got scared...

Me: -shakes head- We're going to need marriage counseling...


Me: That's what you think...

By The Way...: Let us hold a moment of silence for my caps lock key, who made this chapter possible through much pain and overuse...I love you, caps lock...

Iggy's POV

After years of being a mutant freak show with little idea of what a social life was, I was finally doing something that made me feel like the teenage guy I was.

I was sneaking into the house with Ella about an hour later than we said we'd be home.

It's amazing how time can fly when you're having fun, especially when your 'fun' is taking a moonlit stroll with the most beautiful girl in existence. Ok, now you're asking me how I know if Ella's beautiful or not. Well, there are more than one types of beauty, and, though I'm sure Ella was beautiful when it came to outward appearences, I knew she was an even more beautiful person inside.

God, I sound like a lovesick Romeo.

I was surprised I was even able to walk straight, I felt so....Light-headed. Giddy. ('Giddy' is a weird word...) I'd had, I'll say three out-of-body experiences, went into four cardiac arrests, plus one mini-coma. There was no other explanation of what happened to my body and brain when Ella kissed me. And the after effects....It was like being on drugs. Good drugs. 'Night Quills' level drugs.

So, I was being dragged home in this drugged-up like state. Half of my mind was trying to remind me that I should be worried sick about Dr. Martinez murdering me for getting Ella home late, but the other half of my mind was on such a happiness high that I couldn't force myself to care. Instead, I just let Ella lead me along until we got to the front door. There, we both took our shoes off and carried them so as to minimize the amount of noise we'd make. Then, Ella opened the door as quietly as she could and I followed her into the house.

"Ok, Iggy." Ella whispered. "I think we're clear."

"Awesome." I whispered back. Home free!

"Alright, nice try, guys."

I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of Dr. M.'s voice. I heard Ella give a little 'eep!'. Cute.

"Mom!" Ella said. "You're up late..."

"So are you." Dr. Martinez said. I heard some paper rustling.

"Dr. Martinez..." I said, racking my brain for a way out of this one.

"Let me guess, Iggy. You're sorry, it'll never happen again, please don't kill Ella, take me instead?" She guessed.

Stunned, I just nodded. I think Angel taught this woman how to read minds...

I heard Dr. M laugh. "I was young once, too, in case you two forgot."

I almost said 'You were?' but then realized what I was saying and bit my tongue. Ow.

I heard more papers rustle. She must have been up working on something. "I'll let it slide this time, you two. Next time, keep your eyes on the clock."

"Thanks, Mom." Ella said, sounding relieved.

"Yeah, thank you, Dr. M." I said. "I owe ya."

"Just take good care of my daughter." She answered me.

I nodded. "I will."

"And get her home on time." She added.

"Mom..." Ella muttered.

I held up my hand like I was taking an oath. "Bird-kid's honor. She'll be home early from now on."

"And if you get any...Thoughts..." She began to add threateningly.

"Fang tells me you have a spade." I cut in.

She sighed. "Goodnight, you two."

We both said 'good night' and headed down the hall. When we got to Ella's bedroom door, we stopped.

"Tonight was...Wonderful, Iggy." Ella whispered to me.

"Yeah, it was..." I agreed. "We should do stuff like that more often."

"Well," Ella said. "I don't know when the next dance will be, but there's this movie coming out that I'd like to see...Oh, wait, you can't..."

It was the first time I didn't mind someone forgetting I was blind. "What kind of movie? Romance? Suspense?"


I grinned. "I'd love to go."

"Awesome." She took my hand, squeezing it slightly. "Goodnight,"

"Goodnight." I said, leaning towards her.

"Goodnight!" Dr. Martinez called from down the hall.

Ella sighed. I snickered.

"Moms..." Ella muttered.

"She's just watching out for you." I said. "I can get that."

"Yeah..." She relunctantly let go of my hand.

We finally succeeded in saying 'good night' and I headed for my room, opening the door as quietly as I could, so as not to wake Gazzy up.

I practically danced my way to my bed, still feeling like I was walking on clouds or something. Girls were fascinating creatures if they could do this to a guy. I was surprised no one had tried to make them illegal, they were so much like drugs.

Then again, how could you make something so wonderful illegal?

I found myself dancing everywhere. Dancing to put my jacket away, dancing to where I had put my pajamas, dancing into said pajamas, dancing while making up my bed. I was just going dance crazy! I was even humming some of the songs that we'd heard tonight. I finally flopped down into my bed, sighing and throwing the covers over myself.

"Hey, Iggy?" I heard Gazzy say sleepily.

Aw, I must have woken the little guy up. "Yeah, Gaz?"

"...You're a really funny dancer."

Suddenly, I heard giggling. And not just eight-year-old boy giggling, but little girl giggling as well.

"Angel and Nudge, out of my room. Gazzy, back to bed!" I growled at them.

They just kept giggling. "Did you guys kiss?!" Nudge asked.

"They did!" Angel answered her before I could protest.

"Eww!" Gazzy exclaimed.

"Angel, stay out of my head! Now, all of you...Back. To. Bed!"

They just kept giggling. "Iggy and Ella, sittin' in a tree!" Angel sang.

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Nudge continued.


I thought I heard Dr. Martinez laugh. "IGGY, I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY MEDICINE CABINET!"

I rolled my eyes. Everyone was a comedian tonight..."DR. MARTINEZ!"


"BUT-" Nudge began to call.


"YOU CAN ALL BUG IGGY IN THE MORNING!" Fang added in from his room. "THAT WAY, I CAN JOIN IN!"

"THANKS, FANG!" I yelled back sarcastically.

"NO PROB'!" Fang yelled back.

"WE CAN HEAR YOU OUTSIDE!!" Total yelled from the backyard.

"OK, BED!" Dr. M yelled. On that note, the girls finally left for their room and Gazzy crawled back into bed.

I was just starting to fall asleep when Gazzy's voice dragged me out of my slumber. "Iggy?"

"I know, I dance funny."

"No...Iggy, what's so special about girls, anyway?"

I grinned, closing my eyes. "You'll see in a couple years, buddy. Now, go to sleep."

Dr. Martinez's POV (This is new...)

I had to admit, I'd never had as much entertainment in my life until I let the Flock move in. I don't think I'd know what to do without them.

I just wish I could find a way to keep it that way.

Luckily, I just might have.

I'd been in contact with some old friends from college and, together, we had come up with something that we thought may be able to help the Flock out.

Max had been born to save the world. Born, not created. Saying 'created' made it sound like she was some kind of thing, not the very lively, spunky, and strong person she was. And part of what she had to do was inform everyone about what they were doing to the earth.

I knew Max and her Flock. They liked to do things themselves, be independent, but this was something even they were going to need a little help with.

My friends and I had been working our hardest trying to put together some kind of group to help the Flock out, to help spread the word to the world.

And now, after months of work, we had finally assembled something that just might do the trick.

I looked at the papers I'd been going over. Petitions, letters, plans, and piles of other legal documents. But the one that had my attention right now was what had once been a blank piece of paper that I had started doodling on, writing ideas on, and using as scratch paper for math equations and spell-checking.

Now, at the very top of the page, in big, bold capital letters was the only thing left that our organization needed: A name.


Fang: Ah, foreshadowness...

Me: Not as good as the one I did in Thunderstorms, but still there.

Fang: So, that's one more chapter down...

Me: Now to go back to Double Date...

Fang: Then...Fly By Twilight?

Me: Perhaps...


47. Chapter 47: A Temporary Escape

Me: I shall start off by quoting a Mr. Bilbo Baggins.

Fang: Dear God, she's quoting Lord of the Rings. We could be here a while...

Me: "I regret to inform you all that, this is the end! I'm leaving now! And-" Wait, the rest of the quote isn't working for me. I plan to be back...

Fang: So, you're going through with this?

Me: After much deliberation, I believe the end has come.

Fang: Liar. The end will never come.

Me: It has for now.

Fang: Doubt it.

Me: Oh, shut up. Anyway, readers, what I'm trying to say is that I think I've decided to end this story. Today. Now. With this chapter.

Fang: She's a liar, don't listen to her, folks.

Me: -rolls eyes- Fang, I don't wanna know. Anyway, with all the other fics I need to work on, I guess maybe I do need to end this fic, though I love it so...

Fang: You don't want to end it, you know you don't.

Me: I have to.

Fang: No, you don't.

Me: It's not ended permanently, anyway. Just for now. Don't be deleting it from your alerts now. I may pick it up again one day.

Fang: One day soon. Very soon.

Me: Give up, Fangles.

Fang: Oh, just let them read the darn chapter.

Me: Good idea.

Fang's POV

"So, what do you think this 'big announcement' is?" I asked Max.

Max shrugged. "No clue, though it must be pretty important to have us all gather in the living room like this."

I laughed. "Yeah, you'd think she'd learn that all of us in the same room usually does not end well."

Dr. Martinez had announced to us after lunch that we were all to gather in the living room for a 'special announcement'. I believe it was the first time since Iggy and Ella's dance that we all had been gathered in the same room. It's been about a week since then and I was happy to say that I was chickenpox-free and in perfect health. And, because of that, Max had begun thinking about getting on top of this World-Saving deal. Her plans had gotten some mixed reviews, mostly negative. The kids didn't want to go, they were having too much fun. Dr. Martinez wanted us close by, of course. Iggy and Ella were practically attached at the hip, and Akila would have to go back to the Antarctica crew when we left, so you can imagine how Total felt about that.

The only one who was really on board with the whole idea was me. Hey, don't get me wrong, I loved Dr. M.'s place, but I was beginning to show symptoms of another illness: cabin fever. I was ready to move.

Nudge was especially against the idea. I think she had hoped to go to school with Ella in the fall. If only we had the luxary...

"You know what I think we should do?" Iggy asked from his spot next to Ella on the floor.

"Visit a celery farm?" I guessed jokingly.

He glared in my direction. "No, I was thinking of taking a trip to Russia."

Max gave him a slightly bewildered look. "Russia? Why Russia, Ig?"

His mouth turned up into a mischievious grin. "I wanted to go pick up Justin."

I nearly whacked my head off of the coffee table in front of me. "Ig!"

The rest of the Flock just burst into hysterics.

"Well, it's alright by me." Total said. "As long as I don't have to be Fang's lawyer again." He glared at me. "I never got my bacon."

"Plus, it'll be far away from my stalker." Iggy added.

"Do they have NyQuil in Russia?" Gazzy asked. "If not, maybe going there for a while will help Fang break his addiction."

I rolled my eyes. "Gaz, for the last time, I do not have a NyQuil addiction!"

"Don't listen to him, Gazzy, that's the addiction talking." Ella told him.

"Oh, stop encouraging him!" I shot at her.

"But wait!" Nudge exclaimed. "If we go to Russia, what'll Max and Fang do with Spiffy and Pooky?"

"Oh, they can come." I said. "They can fit in our suitcases and be carry-on."

"What about your mother-in-owl?" Angel asked me.

I grinned. "She can go fly up a tree."

We were all laughing hysterically by then, thinking about everything we'd done since we'd first came to Dr. Martinez's house. It had been, well, awesome. Even the whole flu and chickenpox epidemics had been fun in their own way, though I could've done without the food poisoning...

"Glad to hear you're all having a good time." Dr. M. said, coming into the room. She was carrying a couple huge rolls of paper and an easel. Oh, great, she was going to do this like a board meeting. And I hadn't even worn a suit...

"Alright, Mom, spill." Max said. "What's the big announcement?"

Dr. Martinez smiled, shaking her head as she set up the easel. "Patience, Maximum. I'll get to the point."

"Maximum 'Charging Off' Ride does not have room in her schedule for patience." Total muttered.

Max gave him a little kick, probably upsetting PETA members worldwide, but around here, it was acceptable.

"Everyone!" Dr. Martinez said, getting out attention. "Let me start off by saying that the last thing I want you guys doing is flying all over the globe by yourselves and possible getting yourselves maimed or worse."

"Yeah, we know, Mom." Max said. "But we really don't have much of a choice."

Dr. M. nodded. "Yes, I realize that, Max. And that is why I decided to come up with a solution. I've been in contact with some old friends of mine, from college and such. They all want to help you, not to mention the world, out in some way." She reached down to grab one of the pieces of paper and began to place it on the easel. "We came up with a plan to create an organization of sorts. A group to stop the destruction of our home planet. A Coalition to Stop the Madness." She stood back, revealing the name of the organization written on her paper in some kind of fancy font. "The C.S.M., for short." She added.

"That's...Cool, Mom." Max said. "Now, this helps...How?"

Dr. Martinez smiled and sighed. "Max, always sarcastic and impatient. Alright, well, the point of the C.S.M. is to bring awareness to people about what their actions are doing to our planet. And what better way to alert them than to the damage that there doing than to have them see the six, well, almost seven." She added, seeing Total's growing wings. "Flying Planet Protectors up close and personal?"

"What do you mean?" Max asked.

"Flock." Dr. Martinez said, addressing all of us. "The C.S.M. would like to ask all of you to travel with us on a national, maybe soon to be international, tour to educate people on how to protect our planet. Your jobs will include doing airshows so that people can see you and what you can do, and to help with spreading the awareness of the safety of our planet. And you will get free housing as well as all the food you can eat. Do we have a deal?"

"Free food?" I asked, making sure I'd heard right.

She nodded. "Yes, Fang, we'll have enough food to fill even your stomach, I promise. And the eggs will always be fresh." She added with a grin. Very funny, Dr. Martinez...

"And a place to sleep every night?" Max checked.

Dr. Martinez nodded again. "Yes, Max, nice warm beds and even showers."

"And you'll keep Fang away from NyQuil?" Gazzy asked, causing me to have to resist hitting my head off of the wall.

Dr. Martinez held back a laugh. "Yes, Gazzy, we'll make sure he doesn't get ahold of his 'Night Quills'..."

"Will I ever live any of this down?" I muttered.

"Doubt it." Max replied.

"Is Ella coming?" Iggy asked hopefully.

Dr. Martinez shook her head sadly. "Only if she can find away to get a high school diploma in the next two weeks. Otherwise, she has to stay and go to school."

"Mom!" Ella complained. "Can't you, like, homeschool me or something?!"

Dr. Martinez shook her head again. "I don't think so, Ella. I'm going to be busy, as is the Flock. You will be staying with your uncle and going to school, got it?" Dr. M. said, using that 'don't bother arguing, 'cause we're doing it my way' tone that Max had inherited from her.

"Yeah..." Ella grumbled.

"Maybe I should stay..." Iggy started to say, taking Ella's hand.

"I really would like you to come, Ig." Dr. Martinez said. "I was hoping that we'd be able to throw off your stalker for a bit if you came."

That perked Iggy up a bit. "Well, you have a point there."

"Does it sound like a good deal or what?" Dr. Martinez asked.

Max looked at the rest of us. "Well, guys? What do you think?"

"I'm in." I said, ready to go with any idea that meant getting out and going somewhere.

"I think it's a good idea." Angel said, hugging Celeste. "It's time we started getting out and doing something. It's our job."

"If Angel's going, I am." Gazzy said, faithfully sticking by his little sister.

"Will I get to see Akila more often?" Total asked.

"Perhaps." Dr. Martinez answered.

"Well, 'perhaps' is better than nothing." Total said. "Count me in."

Now all that was left was Nudge and Iggy. I knew Nudge didn't really want to go. She was sick of always running around, and I couldn't blame her. She wanted a regular life, deserved a regular life, but she just wasn't regular. And, of course, Iggy wanted to stay with Ella.

Finally, Iggy was the first to speak up. "You guys can't really go without your explosives expert." Iggy said. He looked over at Ella apologetically.

She just smiled. "Hey, you guys need to stick together, I get that. Go and blow up some bad guys for me, ok?" She said.

"Sure thing." Iggy answered.

"Well, if the rest of you are going, I guess I am, too." Nudge said. "When are we leaving?"

"At the end of the week." Dr. Martinez said. "So, in three days."

"Thanks for the advanced warning..." Max muttered.

Later that night, Max and I sat on my bed after she had helped me pack up some of my things.

"So, are you ready for this?" I asked her. "Travelling again? Being in front of people?"

"I guess I better be." She answered, leaning against me tiredly. "I guess it's part of the whole 'Saving the World' job description."

"That doesn't mean you have to like it." I said.

"You can say that again." She agreed. "If we could, I'd say we should just stay here forever. Like this. Safe, happy, almost normal."

"Maybe-" I started to say, but she put a hand up, cutting me off.

"Fang, I know what you're going to say." She said. "That we could avoid this, go to some deserted island somewhere, hide from it all. But Fang, I can't. Whether I like it or not, it's my destiny, and I can either spend my whole life running from it or I can stand up and face it. And Maximum Ride doesn't run from anything."

I grinned. "Except kisses."

She glared at me. "And I don't run from those anymore, either."

"So you don't run from anything?" I asked.

She thought for a moment. "Spiders. I hate spiders."

I laughed a bit. "Spiders, huh? The Great Maximum Ride, destroyer of Erasers, can stop a speeding bullet once, can fly at speeds that make cheetahs look like tortoises, runs from spiders?"

She gave me a light shove. "At least I don't faint at the sight of needles."

"That was the one time!" I exclaimed. "And I was, like, dehydrated!"

"Sure..." She said, rolling her eyes.

"I...Was!" I said, grabbing my pillow and hitting her with it on the 'was'.

"Hey!" She yelled, grabbing my other pillow and whacking me back with it.

We spent a good twenty minutes fighting our pillow war, laughing the whole time, 'till we both collapsed on the bed, still laughing.

We stayed up talking for a little while, 'till Max started to fall asleep in the middle of a sentence. At that point, I just wrapped a wing around her and gave her one of the pillows, letting her drift off for a while. After everything we'd been through, during our time with Dr. Martinez, during our time on the run, during our whole lives in general, the girl deserved a rest once in a while.

As I watched her sleep, I thought about our upcoming C.S.M. adventure. Did this whole thing mean that things were finally going to start looking up for us? Or were we heading towards certain disaster? Frankly, the whole thing sounded like a dream come true, which made me automatically suspicious of it. But I was always suspicious. It was my nature. Maybe I needed to chill out.

At least I knew, no matter what happened, that my family, the Flock, would be together. And, above all else, that's what mattered most. I would go anywhere as long as Max was leading and the Flock was coming along.

Unless, of course, Iggy still wants to go to Russia.

Fang: Ah, so the next chapter will take place after book 5! Nice way to catch up!

Me: Fang, there is no 'next chapter'! I ended it!

Fang: Sure you did...

Me: Anyway, I'd like to take this time not only to wish you all a very Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Happy Whatever Other Holiday, but also to thank all of you! You guys are the most Bloody Wicked McAwesomene reviewers on the face of the planet! I'd try to name you all, but it'd take forever, there's so many of you! I never expected this story to be as popular as it became, and for it to take me as far as it did, and I appreciate every review, story alert, author alert, favorite story, and favorite author I got because of it. This story and all of your support of it did more than just make me a popular MR fanfiction author. It gave me a confidence in my writing that I didn't have before, and may have even inspired an original story out of me. It definetely made me take a second look at my future career plans, moving 'writer' a bit higher on the list. You guys haved been the absolute best for...How long has it been?

Fang: Over a year, I believe.

Me: Wow...I'm sad to see it all end...

Fang: Then don't end it!

Me: Fang, we've discussed this...

Fang: Whatever. I know you'd rather continue.

Me: Let's just put an end to this before I spend the entire last A/N fighting with you.

Fang: -shrugs- Ok...

Me: So, for the last time.

Fang: Or not...

Me: I bid you a fond farewell with the final...

Fang: Or not so final...


Fang: And now, if you will please all move your cursors to the far right, I will prove to you that the end is not anywhere near...

48. Chapter 48: Part 2: Return

Fang: So, it's Fang here. Just Fang.

I've been saying that I was going to give all of you a Christmas Present of my own, so here it is! The ultimate quote leak of all time!

I am posting the next couple of chapters of Avian Flu!

The ones that Saint wrote, then she had to go make that stupid decision to end the fic and just left them to rot in her flash drive.

Well, that's not happening.

See, she doesn't really want to end this fic, I know she doesn't. So, if I post these chapters, not only will you guys get the special treat of having Avian Flu continued, but now she'll have to keep writing this story, it won't end and, though she'll probably try to kill me when she wakes up tomorrow and finds out what I did, she'll eventually be happy to keep writing it. A Merry Christmas for everyone. Or whatever holiday you celebrate. I gave up on naming them all a while ago.

So, withour further ado, I present...

Avian Flu: Part Two: Return.

Max's POV

"Knock knock!"

I sighed inwardly, rolling my eyes for the thousandth time. "Who's there, Gazzy?"


"Boo who?"

"Don't cry, Max! It's just a joke!" Gazzy exclaimed, cackling with that eight-year-old's laugh.

"Good one, Gaz." I told him. I couldn't help but be amazed by how an eight-year old can find even the corniest knock knock jokes so hilariously funny. Especially after telling them for two hours straight while flying. I can tell you, the rest of us were sick of them.

"Fang! Knock knock!"

I saw Fang roll his eyes. "Who's there?"


"Banana who?"

"Knock knock!"

Fang's eyes narrowed. "I just did that part, Gaz."

"Knock knock!" Gazzy persisted.

Fang sighed. "Who's there?"


"Banana who?"

"Knock knock!"

"Gazzy!" Fang growled.

"Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"


"Banana who?!?!"

"Knock knock!"

"WHO THE HECK IS THERE, GAZZY?!" Fang yelled, exhasperated.


Fang blinked, stunned. "Uh, orange who?"

"Orange you glad I didn't say 'banana' again?" Gazzy nearly fell out of the sky laughing. Heck, I almost did, too, after seeing Fang's face.

"Ok, Gaz." I said when I gotten control of myself so I wouldn't bruise Fang's ego further by laughing. "We've been flying ever since our plane back from Hawaii landed, we're hungry, tired, exhasperated..." I gave Fang a pointed look. He shrugged. "I think it's time to quit the knock knock jokes for a while, at least until we get back to Mom's."

"Just one more, Max?" Gazzy pleaded. "Please?"

"One." I said, figuring it couldn't hurt. "Then we're done."

"Alright!" Gazzy exclaimed, turning to a poor, unsuspecting Iggy. "Yo, Iggy! Knock knock!"

Iggy groaned, rolling his eyes. "Damn. Who's there?"


I saw Iggy's exhasperated look turn into a grin. And Fang's turn into a grimace. "Justin who?"

Suddenly, Gazzy gota shocked expression on his face. "Iggy, you should know! He's your kid! And you complain about Fang..."

He got a laugh out of the whole Flock with that one. Even Fang managed a smile.

"Hey, guys!" Nudge yelled out suddenly. "Look down! I think we're here!"

Sure enough, I looked down and spotted mom's house, looking as inviting as ever. Outside, I could just make out Mom and Ella standing in the yard, Ella holding up what looked like a 'Welcome Home' sign. Home. I liked the sound of that.

"Prepare to land!" I told the Flock. "And no fancy flying. This isn't one of our air shows."

Of course, the minute I said that, Gazzy felt the strong need to do a couple loop-de-loops in the air before plummeting to the ground, slowing down at the last second.

The rest of us followed after him, with a bit less showing-off, landing gracefully and cooly in the yard. I brushed some dirt off my jacket, pulling off the whole 'badass' look.

Then, I fell apart and let that go out the window.

I practically tackled Mom, hugging her fiercely. "Hey! I'm so glad to be back. Heck, I'm so glad you're back!"

She laughed, hugging me just as tightly. "I'm glad to have us all home, too."

Angel, Total, Nudge, and Gazzy joined my glomp-fest with Mom, and even Fang managed to stick an arm around her for a millisecond. With all the family-oriented love and hugs that was going on with us, it took us all a while to notice that two of our number weren't involved.

Mom suddenly looked up and cleared her throat. "Excuse me, Ella? Iggy? Are you too busy to join us right now?"

Well, that shocked those two apart. It seemed, while the rest of us were saying hi to mom, that Ella must have tripped and Iggy had been forced to catch her with his arms, wings, and mouth all at once. At least, that was the less accusing way of putting it.

"Eww..." Gazzy said, making a face at the two of them.

"Hey, don't knock it 'till you've tried it." I heard Fang mutter to him.

Gazzy looked absolutely mortified. "Never!"

"You just keep saying that, Gaz." I told him. "Don't grow up too fast on me."

Fang, meanwhile, grinned at Iggy and Ella. "So, who won?"

Iggy looked confused now as well as embarrassed. "Uh, won what?"

"Tonsil hockey." Fang answered, matter-of-factly. "So, Ig, were you playing offense or defense?"

"I'll show you offense..." Iggy muttered angrily.

"I think we better go inside and get something to eat." Mom said, putting a halt to their fight. "And please, let's try to keep the 'tonsil hockey' to a minimum around here. It's enough having to put up with my daughters dating, not to mention letting their boyfriends live in my house. I don't need to be worrying about whatever else you're doing. Got it?"

"Yeah, Mom." I said, giving Fang a look.

Fang nodded. "Got it."

Ella snapped her fingers. "Aw, does this mean Iggy and I can't run off to Vegas?" She said jokingly.

Luckily, Mom got the joke. "Not even if you dress up as a stalk of celery."

Iggy groaned. "I'm never gonna live that damn joke down, am I?"

Ella grinned. "Not a chance."

Fang's POV

I had to admit, though being able to be out doing something again was fun, I was glad to be back at Dr. Martinez's house for a little stress-free downtime. Especially after everything that had gone down, with Dr. M getting kidnapped, Nudge leaving us for a while, the underwater breathing thing. We all needed some time to pretend we were relatively normal.

The number one thing I had been looking forward to was Dr. M's awesome cooking. Right now, with all the flying we had done since we had gotten off the plane, I was starved.

Dr. Martinez had gotten home quite a bit earlier than us and had obviously spent that entire time cooking. There were piles upon piles of food, and more on the way. We all basically came and went as we pleased as we worked on getting settled back into the house.

Around nine o'clock at night, we were all settled in and most of the Flock had already gone to bed, tired from the busy day. I was thinking of going to bed myself, but decided to get just one more snack in before I went to sleep.

I crept into the kitchen and opened the fridge, grabbing the first thing I laid my hands on. A crunchy shell taco. Awesome. I warmed it up in the microwave for a couple seconds then took it back to my room.

My room. It was nice to have a place to call 'mine'. A guy could get used to that.

I munched on the taco for a little while, wanting to eat it quickly, though, so I could just get to sleep. I had a feeling Dr. M had plans for us in the morning, hopefully some that didn't involve being sociable, cleaning, or flying Iggy to Russia.

Suddenly, as I shoved the last of the taco in my mouth, I felt a sharp pain near the back of my jaw. I put my hand to the side of my face where I had felt the pain, trying to chew the taco in my mouth a little more gingerly. I'd been getting that pain a lot lately, it just kind of came and went. I figured it was nothing, maybe my body was starting to feel the effects of the two million times I'd been punched in the face by an Eraser. I shrugged it off and curled up in my bed.

My bed. I loved that phrase almost as much as 'my room.'

Yeah, I could definetely get used to this.

Fang: Well, that concludes the beginning chapter of part 2.

Let's post another one, ok?

'My bed.' 'My room.' -sigh- If only it were true...


49. Chapter 49: Reverse Psychology Failure

Fang: Ok, so this is the next chapter of part 2.

Thank God Saint's still asleep. She is so killing me in the morning...

But it's worth it. :D

I'm sure all you readers will agree.

So, how about I just stick the darn chapter on here already?

Fang's POV

As I predicted, the first couple days at Dr. M.'s were a blur. She kept us busy cleaning, organizing, and getting the house back in tip-top shape. Not to mention getting it re-stocked with more food and buying some of us some new clothing. It was stressful, but in a more fun way.

Well, for everyone else.

I, meanwhile, was not in such a good mood. The pain in my jaw had come back full force and was bugging me constantly. I tried to keep quiet about it, figuring the last thing the Flock needed to do was fret over me and my stupid little jaw issue. It would probably go away eventually. In the meantime, I tried to stay away from all the really hard foods, giving my aching jaw a break.

"Well, the living room is now dust-free." Dr. Martinez said,coming out of the living room. "I think it can be considered inhabitable now."

"Finally!" Gazzy exclaimed, running in. "I missed watching cartoons!"

"Yeah! Come on, Celeste!" Angel said, grabbing her bear and following her brother.

"Oh, great, they're turning into T.V. addicts." Ella said.

"It's better than being addicted to a drug." Iggy pointed out. "You know, like NyQuil." He shot a grin in my direction.

"I'm glaring at you, Ig." I said, doing just that. He just laughed. Pain in the butt.

"Well, come on, let's celebrate the cleanliness of the house with a little something to eat." Dr. Martinez said, going over to the kitchen sink wash her dusty hands.

The rest of us were all for that idea. We jumped in line to wash our hands after Dr. M. and were soon all doing our best to help make lunch. Of course, Iggy and Ella were really the only two who were actually helpful, but they still all gave Max and I some easier tasks just to keep us busy and make us feel useful. It was almost kinda fun.

Then, I noticed what Dr. Martinez was making for the main course.

"Crunchy tacos again, Mom?" Ella asked.

She nodded. "Yes, I have a lot of the hard taco shells, and I'd just like to use them up."

Oh, great. Like my freaking mouth wasn't bothering me enough. And it's not like I could refuse a taco without causing some suspicion. I'd just have to suck it up and pray my jaw didn't, like, fall off or something.

We got lunch all made up and called the rest of the Flock. Angel and Gazzy just took theirs and ran back to the living room. They were soon followed by Nudge and Total, who obviously had nothing better to do.

Iggy and Ella ended up grabbing a bunch of the tacos and going outside to sit at the picnic table and get some of the fresh air in while they could. That left Max, Dr. M, and I to finish off what was left.

I eyed the taco somewhat nervously. I was hungry as heck, but I wasn't really too keen on the idea of causing myself great pain, either.

"Fang? What are you doing? Trying to stare it down?" Max asked me, jerking me into reality. "I can assure you it's already dead, so go ahead and dig in!"

"Guess I just...Spaced out for a sec." I gave as my lame excuse. I picked up the taco, figuring I should just eat it and get it over with. I mean, my jaw didn't always hurt. Maybe this wouldn't bother me a bit.

Like I have that kind of luck.

It wasn't long after I bit into that thing that, as I was trying to chew it, a sharp pain went through my lower jaw for the hundreth time. Only, this time, just because my karma seems to hate me, it was worse this time.

My hand shot to my mouth as I grimaced, trying unsuccessfully to hold back a small squeak of a whimper. Oh great...

Maybe Dr. Martinez and Max didn't notice?

Once again, karma hates my guts.

"Fang? You ok?" Max asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, fine."

Unfortunately, Dr. Martinez was not so easily convinced. "Fang, is there something wrong with your mouth?"

I shook my head. "I'm ok, really."

Dr. Martinez just ignored me and walked over, taking my hand off of my face and replacing it with hers. "So, you're just fine, huh?"

"Yeah." I said, having a funny feeling I was screwed anyway.

Then, she pressed on the side of my face, causing the sharp pain to flare up again.

"Ow!" I exclaimed, jerking back slightly.

"Just what I thought." she said, taking her hand away.

"So, Fang, how long have you had this problem?" Max asked me, crossing her arms. Obviously, she was, once again, mad at me for not telling her about my problem.

At that point, I'd given up on keeping it all a secret. "A while, I guess."

Max rolled her eyes. "A while?! Fang! You need to just tell me what's going on with you!"

I just looked down, avoiding her gaze. Unfortunately, she had a point.

"Well, there's only one thing I can think of to do." Dr. M. said.

I looked up at her. "What?" I had a feeling I wasn't going to like this.

"We're going to need to take you to see the family dentist." She explained.

Yep, my feelings were right. I didn't like this. Not one bit.

I basically spent the rest of the day trying to convince Dr. M. that I was fine and that this whole 'dentist' thing just wasn't necessary.

And I wasn't having much luck.

"Dr. Martinez, it's probably just some old fighting wound acting up." I pointed out. "I've been punched in the jaw enough times."

"All the more reason for you to have it checked out." She answered. "If anything's been screwed up with your jaw, you're going to want to see if it can be fixed."

"Come on, Dr. M." I said. "I've never needed a dentist before! Why should I need one now?"

Her eyes shot to me for a second. "Never been to the dentist? Well, I should have guessed that, of course. Maybe I should schedule you all to see the dentist..."

Oh, great. Now I really screwed things up!

"Dr. Martinez, please, I'll be fine." I pleaded with her.

Dr. M sighed. "Fang, in case you haven't noticed, whenever you say you're fine, you're usually not fine. Far from it. So, when you say that you're fine, I usually automatically expect the worst."

I thought for a minute.

I pretended to collapse against the wall. "Oh...My...God...I'm dying! The agony! The pain! Ooo...Look at that bright, white light up there!"

Dr. Martinez chuckled. "Nice try, Fang, but reverse psychology isn't going to work here."

"Damnit." I muttered, pulling myself off of the wall. Dr. Martinez just left the room, chuckling at my pathetic and desperate attempt.


I almost jumped at the sound of my name. I thought I was the one who was supposed to sneak up on people around here! I turned around to face Max, who had just stuck her head into the room.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Why do you always do this?" She asked me. "Wait 'till things are at their absolute worst before you say anything to anyone about them? You could be dying, and we'll never know it!"

"I think if I was dying, you would know it." I said.

She crossed her arms. "How so?"

I shrugged. "Well, the seizuring fit on the floor might be a tip off."

"How do you know you're going to have a seizure before you die?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I always thought it might be a cool way to go." I said. "Spasming on the floor. Maybe if I know I'm going to die, I'll fake it. just so the death certificate can say I seizured on the floor."

Max stared at me for a couple seconds, then walked over and put a hand to my forehead.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Checking for fever." She stated. She looked me straight in the eye. "Ok, Fang, be honest. Have you been in the NyQuil again?"

"No. Why?"

"Because that is about the most senseless thing you have ever said to me in your entire life." She said. "Seizuring on the floor?"

I shrugged again. "Everyone has a dream. Mine just happens to be morbid and slightly awkward."

She blinked a couple times. "Explain to me why I'm dating you again?"

"Because you love me, despite my sick and twisted ways?"

She sighed. "I guess so...Just...Can we work on being a little more open when something's up with you? I feel like I'm always have to look out for you or something, Fang. Don't make me have to worry so much."

I nodded. "Alright, I'll try."

"Good." She started to leave.

"Oh, but, Max?"

She turned around. "Yeah?"

"I bet it'd be a lot easier for me to be more open if you found a way to cancel this whole 'dentist' thing."

She grinned and shook her head. "Not a chance, Fang."

Some help she is.

Fang: Ok, now I want to know what Saint's planning....I'll bet, whatever it is, it's evil.

And if anyone thinks these chapters seem a bit...I don't know...Rough, just remember, she never meant to post them, so they didn't go through her editing process as much, and my editing skill might not be the same as hers...

Crap. I think I here movement coming from Saint's room. Better post these before she wakes up and finds me still up.


Merry Christmas! Or whatever you may celebrate.

R&R, of course.

And please, while you're telling Saint that she should continue and all that, please remind me what a wonderful kidnap victim I am and tell her how much more useful I am alive. Remember, if it wasn't for me, this story would be over. You owe me. Please?

If I live, I'll talk to you in the next chapter. If I don't, it was great talking to you people.


50. Chapter 50: Open Mouths and Open Windows

Me: Well, I guess I can't even end a fic these days...

-shrugs- Actually, I don't mind. I kinda wanted to go on with it, anyway. Too much fun...

I'll end it when I'm actually out of ideas...Which I'm not, by the way.

Fang: Now, how about we tell them about our move?

Me: Oh, yes. Well, there's more details in the Poetry Corner and Fang's Journal, but I'll give you guys a short version. We've moved up to the farm, which is...Interesting.

Fang: They have internet, but no cable.

Me: Meh, if you have the internet, you can live without cable. Everything I watch, I can watch on YouTube. And they still have a T.V. for movies.

Fang: Anyway, we're here for free, so it's a good deal.

Me: And we could bring the dog, cat, and mice.

Fang: I think that's all the big stuff.

Me: Like I said, rest in the Poetry Corner and Fang's Journal.

Fang: So...On with the rescued story!

Note: Free cookies for anyone that sends M. G. Christiani (take out spaces) a message saying her accent doesn't sound fake! I'm so evil... :D And milk with the cookies if you tell her to get well soon! Stupid, evil, elastic-eating appendix... :D

Wow, 50 chapters.....-is amazed-

Fang's POV

I'd never been in a dentist's office before. It really wasn't that different from a doctor's office, except for all the teeth-related pictures.

It was actually kind of creepy, in a way. It made me wonder, who devotes their life to looking at other people's teeth? It was kind of a weird career path, if you ask me. I didn't know many kids who would jump up and say, "I wanna stick my hands in strange people's mouths for a living!" on career day. Then again, I didn't know many kids in general...

"Fang? You alright?" Max asked me, putting a hand on mine on the arm of the chair I was in.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll live."

"You look pale." She stated.

I just nodded again. Being in here reminded me of the last time I had been in a doctor's office. Not a fun experience at all...

"It's gonna be alright." Max reassured me, squeezing my hand slightly. "You'll see."

I nodded yet again, my eyes focused down on the floor in front of me. I did not want to be here. I wanted to be anywhere but here. Heck, if I had to choose between here and Mr. Chu's bedroom, I'd....Ok, so here was better than Mr. Chu's bedroom, but you get the point, right?

"Martinez?" The receptionist called. "The doctor will see you now."

They called them doctors here, too? Great...

Dr. M. tapped me on the shoulder. "Come on, Fang. You're up."

I gave Max a 'help me' look that she just answered with a shrug. Then, both she and Dr. Martinez took me by an arm each and led me into the dentist's office.

It was just like I imagined being led to prison would be like.

Max's POV

"How about you just open up and we'll see what's causing all the fuss here?" The dentist asked Fang, putting on some rubber gloves.

Fang looked like 'opening up' was about the last thing he wanted to do. He had himself pushed as far back in that stupid dentist's as he could get himself and his jaw seemed to be locked shut. I found myself praying to whoever was listening that Fang wouldn't pull another 'Chickenpox Shot Incident' and pass out again. Just being here was enough of a disaster for one day.

I watched as Fang finally seemed to convince himself to open his mouth and allow the dentist to have a peek inside. Probably because Mom was glaring at him. As the dentist poked around in there, he gave me the most annoyed look on the planet. I had to stifle a laugh.

He gave me a look that read, 'You think this is funny?'

I gave him one back to say, 'No, I think it's hilarious.'

His changed to a, 'I'll kill you for this later.' look.

Mine answered with a, 'Try me, bird-boy.'

Is it weird how we know each other so well, we can read each other's facial expressions like that?

"Hmmm..." The dentist said, still poking around. Fang had an almost pained expression on his face now. Really, how long did it take a dentist to look at some teeth? If Fang's jaw didn't hurt already, it would hurt now from being propped open for so long.

"Well," the dentist said, finally removing his hand, much to Fang's relief. "Besides the fact that his teeth could use a real cleaning and, possibly a filling or two, I think his problem is his wisdom teeth. How old is he?"

"Almost fifteen, I believe." Mom answered. "Can they come in that early?"

The dentist shrugged. "Anything's possible. And I almost one hundred percent sure that's what it is. I can take some x-rays to double check."

"Sounds like a plan." Mom answered.

"I'll be right back, then." The dentist answered, stepping out.

"What's he talking about?" I asked Mom.

"He thinks Fang's wisdom teeth are coming in." She answered.

"Wisdom teeth?" I asked. "Well, Fang, I guess some part of you had to have some brains. Too bad it's just your teeth."

He rolled his eyes at me. I did the mature thing and stuck my tongue out at him in response.

Mom ignored us and continued her explanation. "Your wisdom teeth are an extra set of teeth that come in later in life in the back. Fang's are early for his age, but then again, you all seem to progress fairly rapidly, so, in a way, it makes sense."

"So it's like getting a couple new teeth?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yes, but, unfortunately, there are often problems with wisdom teeth. They come in at the wrong angles and such. Many people have to have them removed."

I saw Fang wince slightly. This was not going down a pleasant road...

"You think Fang'll have to have his removed?" I asked her, looking sympathetically at Fang.

"I don't know, Max." She answered. "The dentist will tell us, though the fact that they're causing Fang pain makes me worry..." She gave me a look that let me know exactly what she was thinking. She remembered the 'Chickenpox Shot Incident' too.

The dentist came back shortly and had us step out of the room for a bit so he could do the x-rays. I noticed him put stuff in Fang's mouth to keep it open for the x-ray which did not impress Fang in the least. When it was over, I noticed Fang massaging his already-hurt jaw and reached over to give him a quick hug around the shoulders. His day just kept getting crappier...

"Well, that confirms it." The dentist stated, holding up the x-rays.

I pretended to take a closer look at the pictures. "Yep, Fang, sorry. It seems you really do have rocks for brains after all."

He rolled his eyes at me. He was really pulling off the silent thing today. Probably because he was afraid, if he opened his mouth, he'd throw up.

"Those teeth are gonna have to come out." The dentist said. "I can recommend a couple good oral surgeons to take care of it."

Fang flinched at the word 'surgeon'. I grabbed his hand and gave it a small squeeze. I made a mental note to try and make Fang's day better later. Have Iggy make him his favorite food for dinner, maybe? I could think of some other ways, but I was sure some of them might break Mom's house rules.

Mom and the dentist went off to determine Fang's fate while he and I waited in the dentist's office waiting room.

"Hey, Max?" Fang asked me, speaking for the first time since he met with the dentist.


"I just want you to know, I'd like either 'The Black Parade' or 'Move Along' played at my funeral."

"What?" I asked.

"And you can have my laptop. Just tell my blog followers it was all just too much. And tell Iggy he can have my red and black sweater that he wants so badly."

I rolled my eyes. "Fang, you are not going to die."

"I will if I hang myself in my closet."

I grinned. "Then how will you be able to seizure madly on the floor?"

He thought a moment. "I'll cut the rope at the last second. By then, it'll be too tight to breathe, anyway."

"And if I hide all the rope in the house?"

"Old clothes." He said. I won't need them, anyway."

I gave him another quick hug. "It's all going to be fine, Fang, you'll see."

Mom came back from talking with the dentist at that point, still trying to find a spot for an appointment card that I assumed was Fang's in her messy purse. "Well, Fang, I just called up Dr. Haxfield, the oral surgeon. What do you think about getting those teeth out in the next two weeks?"

"Can't." Fang replied. "I'll be dead before then."

Mom shrugged. "Then we'll move the appointment up."

"I'm offing myself tomorrow." Fang explained.

"Then we're yanking them out tonight, Fang." Mom shot back. "Now, let's get going. I've already gotta pick up some things for Iggy for dinner, and if I have to go to the hardware store to get pliers, then we better get going." She started out.

Fang gave me an exasperated look. "Your mom is the essences of evil."

"And just think, you're dating her spawn." I replied, getting up to follow her.

As Fang followed me, I heard him mumble, "I am so screwed."

"You only wish, Fang." I replied. "You just wish."

Unknown POV (Dun dun dun!)

Iggy's closet. Maybe a regular, boring closet to any of the unenlightened world, but to me, it was my personal little piece of Heaven.

I dug through it madly, wanting to find just the piece to add to my collection. I had to be quiet. I'd seen Max, Fang, and Dr. Martinez leave already, but that didn't mean the house was unguarded. There was still the rest of the Flock to worry about, including my Iggy. My poor Iggy did not yet understand how much I loved him. He wouldn't understand how I needed just one little sock, a shirt, a little piece of fabric that would connect me to my one and only true love. But someday, he would know. I just had to wait for the right time.

And then, there was Ella. That evil, conniving, Iggy-stealing whore. She took him from me. She dared to get close to him! Could she not read the love letters and comments I had sent him over Fang's Blog?! Was she stupid, or just heartless? How could such an evil little witch fool my poor, innocent Iggy? Maybe she was a witch! It would sure explain a lot…

Suddenly, I found it. The piece I needed to add to my collection. A navy blue windbreaker. It was beautiful. I brought it up to my face and breathed in Iggy's sweet scent. Kitchen smells with a touch of smoke and something that was just distinctly male. It made my head spin just inhaling it for a split second.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps in the hallway. Then, a voice.

"Angel!" It was Gazzy. "I need help finding the markers Dr. Martinez gave me! You wanna help me look in my room?"

Gazzy's room?! He shared his room with Iggy!

Quickly, but silently, I raced to the window, still clutching the windbreaker in my hand. Using Iggy's bed (sacred ground I dreamed of being able to lie on) as a springboard, I launched myself through the open window and onto the ground outside. I quickly pulled the screen shut behind me and raced into the woods, leaving the Martinez household behind.

But not for long, of course. Soon, I would be back. And one day, I wouldn't be leaving alone.


Fang: I suppose you're using our experience getting our wisdom teeth out for this chapter?

Me: Of course! 'Write what you know' as Affie always says.

Fang: She also says that males should be enslaved and the world run by women.

Me: I know! Isn't she a genius?

Fang: In your feminist opinion…

Me: And now we have…The return of Iggy's Stalker! Creepy little thing, isn't she?

Fang: Not to mention athletic.

Me: So, we'll find out more in the next installment! In the meantime, I need to go home and make chili for Bible Study and no, Fang, you can't help.

Fang: Damn.


51. Chapter 51: The Suicide Note

Happy Birthday to You!

Happy Birthday to You!

Happy Birthday Dear Bell!

Happy Birthday to You!

A happy birthday to my friend Bell (Aleria14). Hope you like the chapter, as I'm dedicating it to you. :D

Fang: Happy Birthday! I really didn't forget on Skype the other night!

Me: -sigh- He really didn't. He was just 'playing' dumb for once...

Fang: -glare-

Fang's POV

Yo Flock,

No, that didn't look right. I crumpled up the paper and tossed it into the trash.

My Dearest Flock,

Ugh, no. I ripped that one in two.

My Family,

Much better.


My Family,

This is The End. I've had the flu, the chickenpox, food poisoning. I've been accused of fathering non-existent children and being an addict to cold medication. I've had to deal with crazy hallucinations and being mistaken for a giant jug of Kool-Aid. This wisdom teeth thing is just too much. I've decided I've had a good run and it's time to quit the game while I'm ahead. Don't get all weepy for me, it's for the best. I leave Max my laptop. Gazzy can have my clothes to make bombs with. To Iggy, I leave what little money I have as support for Justin and my share of celery. I leave my imaginary friend, Pooky, my imaginary snowboard. Thanks for all the good times and for being there in the bad.

Love, Fang.


Then I went over to the noose I had hung in my closet earlier, climbed up on a stool, stuck my head through the loop, kicked the stool out from under me then hung there for the appropriate time before cutting the rope and fulfilling my 'twitch on the floor' dream.

Yeah, I wish.

It was more like I sat there, staring blankly at my little suicide note, wondering why the Hell I bothered to write it.

Besides being a wimp about doctors and needles, I also discovered I'm too chicken to commit suicide.

As I sat there, I began trying to think up ways that I could possibly commit suicide fast enough that I wouldn't know what hit me. Maybe then I could do it.

My tired (not to mention hungry) mind began formulating a plan involving...Cake. Exploding cake. If I could get Iggy to bake a bomb into a cake, then I could eat it and explode. It was a genius plan!

Well, except for the mess. And the potential danger to all in the immediate area. And...Would Iggy do that for me? And would it be considered murder rather than suicide?

Who knew an exploding cake could raise so many questions?

I guess I could just get a bomb and swallow it, too, but...What if I choked on it? Slow, painful death instead of quick one. Not cool.

Maybe I should just drop this whole 'suicide' idea.

"What're you up to in there?" Max asked, poking her head in the door.

"Plotting my gruesome fate..." I muttered.

She walked in, placing her hands on my shoulders and leaning over to talk to me. "You know, if you keep sitting around and brooding, people are going to start thinking there's something to those 'emo' rumors."

I just rolled my eyes and shrugged.

"Hey, what's this?" She asked suddenly, grabbing my note.

"You might not want to-" I started, reaching for the paper in her hand, but she'd already snatched it away and started reading it.

Then, she began to snicker.

"What about my plot to off myself is so damn funny?" I asked, getting up.

"Fang...This is the most pathetic suicide note I've ever read!" Max exclaimed. "Imaginary snowboard? And why does the grieving girlfriend only get one measly mention in the will part?"

"I'm sorry. I guess I didn't pay enough attention in 'Suicide Note Writing 101.'" I said, snatching the note back.

Max smiled, stepping closer to me and wrapping her arms around me. "Fang, you ever stop to think that you may be overreacting?"

"Me? Overreact? Never." I said.

"Fang, you're going in for a routine wisdom teeth removal and you're planning to off yourself." She pointed out.

"Well, it was more or less just planning." I said. "I'm nolt really killing myself. Too much work."

Max rolled her eyes. "Every time I think I have you figured out, Fang..."

"I'm just too amazing for an explanation." I said, grinning.

"Or too stupid..." Max added.

I figured at that point that suicide had been the stupidest thing to ever even joke about considering.

There was no one like Max in the afterlife.

Iggy's POV


"I'm right here, Iggy! What?" Gaz asked when I stormed into the living room, yelling his name so the whole house could hear.

"Gazzy, I'm flattered that you take after me in the explosives department, I really am, but could you please not steal my clothing to make bombs with?!" I snapped.

"What are you talking about?" He asked me, sounding genuinly bewildered.

"My sweatshirt!" I said. "It's missing! I remember sticking it in my closet and now it's gone!"

"Are you sure you looked everywhere?" Nudge asked me somewhere next to Gaz.

"Yes, Nudge." I said. "Just because I can't see my closet doesn't mean I don't have my own ways of searching it."

"What is all the yelling about?!" Dr. Martinez said, walking into the room.

"Gazzy stole my sweatshirt and won't admit it!" I exclaimed.

"I did not!!" Gazzy snapped back.

Well, I don't think I need to record the fight that ensued. I'm sure you all can guess what it sounded like.

Eh, but I will anyway.

"Liar!" I snapped back at him.


"What the heck?" Max said, coming into the room from the hall. "Ig, Gaz, what's wrong?"

"We have a lying, stealing 8 year old on our hands, Max." I told her.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" Gazzy yelled.

"DID TOO!" I yelled back.

"Gazzy, calm down. Iggy, how old are you? Stop yelling at him!" Dr. Martinez yelled over our fighting.



"Iggy, chill..." Ella said, coming up beside me and grabbing my arm.

"Well, this household sounds...Harmonious." A new voice said, opening the front door.

Suddenly, we were all silent. I remembered that voice...

"Dr. Abate." Max said. "Hey!"

"John! What a surprise!" Dr. M said. "What brings you here?"

"I'm actually visiting in town to do some work for the CSM." Dr. Abate said. "I figured I should stop by and see how things are. And I wanted to talk to you, Val, if you're not too busy trying to stop World War lll."

"No, I'm not too busy. Am I, Iggy? Gazzy?" She asked us.

I sighed. "We'll finish this later, Gasman."

"Right..." Gazzy added.

"Come on, John, We can talk in the kitchen." Dr. M said. I heard them walk off.

It was right about that time I noticed that my arm was losing circulation.

"Ella, could you...Loosen your grip a bit?"

She didn't seem to hear me. "Iggy...We need to talk. My room. ASAP."

"Could I...Have my arm first?" I tried again.

I heard her muttering something that I couldn't quite make out.

"Ella....Blood circulation important..." I told her.

"My room." She repeated again, finally letting go of my arm. She walked away toward her room.

I, meanwhile, took a minute to rub some life back into my sore arm and wonder what the heck had gotten into Ella.

Ella's pissed (not to mention she has quite the grip!) and John Abate, the scientist friend of Dr. M from book 5 appears! Wonder what'll happen?

Fang: Why do you ask? You know what's going to happen.

Me: You don't know that. For all you know I could be pulling this stuff out of my behind.

Fang: ...Point.


And go wish Aleria14 a happy birthday! Reading and reviewing her stuff would be nice, too.

52. Chapter 52: Fang Saves Guam

Well, I'm attempting to update stuff already, as my updating has been, well...

Fang: Crappy?

Me: Basically.

Fang: Ok, so let's go through our little explanation thing- ...Saint? Hello?

Me: Hold on, listening to Jimmy Buffett...

Fang: -facepalm- What happened to updating?

Me: In a minute...-sings along- Take another road, to a hiding place...

Fang: -sigh- -facepalm- Alright, I'll talk. Saint and I are between a rock and a hard place (minds out of the gutter, people). We've been having some difficulties with the place we're staying at now that are pointing toward us needing to move, but we, unfortunately, don't have the money to move. We've been working desperately to find the best way to get the money to support ourselves and our furry companions. Right now, Saint has decided to take the Licensed Nursing Assistant (LNA) class at the college in hopes of getting a better paying job through that. We're also looking for new jobs in the meantime. Saint's been working on looking into getting a short story her mom wrote published as a children's book.

Also, Saint created a Zazzle store, which I encourage any of you generous-feeling people to check out. There's a link in the 'Find Me At' section on Saint's profile.

Basically, we're miserable where we are and desperate to get out.

Though you wouldn't know it with Saint sitting here listening to Jimmy Buffett!

Me: It's calming, doofus. At least for me. By the way, you thought about the LNA class?

Fang: Yeah. Sure. Me, a nurse. I see that going over so well...

Me: -shrugs- We shall see...

In the meantime, how about an update?

Iggy's POV

"Ok, Ella." I said, taking a seat at the edge of her bed. "You gonna tell me why you attempted to cut off blood supply to my arm out there?"

I heard Ella grumble something unintelligible as she flopped down on her bed beside me.

"So?" I tried again, nudging her arm. "You gonna tell me anything?"

"Him." She finally mumbled.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Him!" Ella said again, sitting up on the bed. "Dr. Abate! God, when we're out with the CSM, all he does is hang around Mom! Now he thinks he's gonna come hang around her here, too!"

"They're old friends, aren't they?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah." Ella snapped. "Old friends. More like an old crush..."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked. "Did they, like, date at some point?"

"Yeah, right." Ella said. "Abate only wishes. He's just trying to get a second chance at where he failed back when they were at college together. He just doesn't get that my mom's not interested."

"Why isn't she?" I asked, totally confused by the entire turn of events. "They seem to get along pretty well."

It was quiet for a moment. An uncomfortable silence. I began to wonder what I'd said to cause it. Then, I heard Ella almost whisper, "She wouldn't do that to dad."

It hit me then. Ella's dad. It wasn't a subject any of the Flock had attempted to bring up. Whatever had happened with Ella's dad seemed to be a touchy subject, so we had avoided it. But this time, it seemed completely unavoidable. I put an arm and wing both around Ella's shoulders.

"Mom wouldn't forget about Dad like that." Ella whispered to me. "And I'm not gonna let this Abate guy make things any worse."

"John Abate's gotta go."

A Couple Days Later

Fang's POV

'Lose Seven Pounds in Seven Days!'

'Lady GaGa Secretly Male?'

'Tom Cruise an Alien?'

'Jon Asks Kate for his Manhood Back.'

'Kidnapper Armed With Dead Fish Still Loose.'

Why couldn't waiting rooms ever have any interesting magazines to look at? I mean, you might as well be entertained while waiting to meet your doom. But no, instead they give you outdated copies of the crappiest magazines available. It's like they want to prolong your torture as much as possible.

I flipped through the magazines anyway, not really reading any of the articles. It's kind of hard to read when you feel like you're about to throw up.

And throwing up would not be pleasant since I hadn't eaten anything today. You're not supposed to eat anything before getting knocked out by a cruel-hearted bastard of a whitecoat.

Told you they were into torture.

"Martinez?" I heard the receptionist call.

I flipped through the magazine some more. Some of these articles actually looked kind of funny...

"Fang?" Max said. "They called 'Martinez'."

I nodded. "Yeah, I heard."

"Well, Fang, are you gonna get up or what?" Dr. Martinez asked me.

I shook my head. "My name's not 'Martinez'. Your name is. Maybe they want to take your teeth out. You better get up there, that lady's starting to look impatient."

I saw Dr. M. roll her eyes. Then, she nodded to Max. Before I could even think, Max whipped the magazine out of my hands and she and Dr. Martinez eached grabbed one of my arms and hauled me to my feet. They then proceeded to drag me towards the door.

"Come on..." I said. "Isn't there someone else who'd like to go before me? I'd like to give the other patients a chance to go to their doom."

"Fang, we're the only ones in here." Max said, gesturing to the empty waiting room.

I looked up at Dr. M. "I'll do anything."

She rolled her eyes again. "Fang..."

"I'll mow the lawn, garden, work at the Vet Clinic picking up dog doo." I went on. "I'll be your personal slave."

"I think my daughter already owns you there."

I turned back to Max. "Spare me."

"Sorry, Fang." She said, giving my hand a squeeze. "But it's for your own good."

I looked towards the receptionist. "You wouldn't happen to be harboring any ill-feelings toward your job that you'd like to take out by shooting a random patient with a sawed-off shotgun, would you? I'd be a willing target."

The receptionist smiled and moved aside to let us through the door. "Sorry, they pay me too well here."

"Fine, be a sell out." I grumbled.

Dr. Martinez and Max lead me down a hallway, lead by the sell-out receptionist. She led us to a room near the back of the building and told us to wait there. It was a small room with one of those dentist's chairs you're forced to sit in in the middle. There was a counter filled with questionable-looking instruments and the slight smell of antiseptic hung in the air.

"Oh, look, you've led me to my personal little corner of Hell." I said with a falsely cheery tone.

Max gave me a small hug around the shoulders. "You'll be fine, Fang. Really."

"And if you're not, I hear Max gets your laptop." Dr. M pointed out, gazing out the small window.

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks for the morale boost..."

At that point, Satan walked in carrying a pitchfork, and sneering at me as he planned my gruesome and tortuous fate.

Ok, so it was the smiling dental surgeon carrying a clipboard. Same difference.

"Here for a wisdom teeth removal?" The dentist asked good-naturedly.

I shook my head. "No, I'm here about the leaky oil tank in my snow mobile. You must have the wrong room." I said, starting to slide toward the door. Max grabbed me before I could get too far.

The dentist just smiled and kept talking. He'd probably heard something like this before. "So, I'm assuming you've been informed and are prepared for when Fang here loses his fangs," he chuckled at his own bad joke. "And comes home after the procedure?"

Oh, yeah, we were prepared. Dr. M. had brought a T.V. in my room and put a stack of books and my laptop near my bed. I was going to be spending a lot of time there. Then there was all the liquid and soft foods we had got for me to eat, not to mention the prescription painkillers and antibiotics. The entire household was prepared, damn it.

After Dr. M. confirmed that we were all good to go, the dentist motioned to the chair in the middle of the room. "Why don't you have a seat, Fang?"

I gulped. I was beginning to get the same feeling I got during the Chickenpox Shot Incident. My hands had started to shake and I was beginning to get tunnel vision. This time, though, Max was on alert and grabbed me, steering me to the nearest seat and having me sit down.

I don't think I have to tell you what that nearest seat was. With how things usually go with me, you can probably guess.

The dentist left, but sent one of his nurses in to get me prepped. She had me lie back in the stupid chair, raising it up to a height probably meant to hinder me from easily escaping.

"I'll pay you." I said to Max and her mom. "Whatever your price is, I'll meet it. Double it, if need be."

Max just took my hand, squeezing it, then leaned over, our lips meeting, momentarily erasing my panic. We would've stayed like that, too, if Dr. M. hadn't cleared her throat, dragging the two of us back to cold, harsh reality.

"Max, we have to leave the room now." Dr. Martinez said. "You'll get to see Fang when he's all done here."

"Mom, I'd love to leave, really, but I can't." Max answered.

"Why not?"

"Fang's cutting off circulation to my hand." Max explained.

Dr. Martinez sighed, walking over and prying my hand loose from Max's. She gave me a pat on the shoulder. "You'll be fine, Fang."

"Easy for you to say..." I mumbled back.

I got one more hug from Max before they had to leave me to my fate. I had to fight down my very strong fight-or-flight response. I had the choice to either break out of the room and run for it or to punch the nurse, and I couldn't do either. I was going nuts.

The nurse began to direct me on how to sit in the chair, arms on either arm rest, blah, blah, blah... Then, she suddenly pulled out velcro straps and strapped me onto the chair. I nearly bolted right then, but she put and hand on my arm and explained, "They're for your safety, hun. Just 'cause we're knocking you out doesn't mean you might not move and we don't want you hurting yourself or ripping anything out."

I was fighting the urge to throw up or something even more now. My whole body was shaking at this point. The dentist came in and started talking to the nurse. He glanced over at me a couple times and I caught words like 'laughing gas' and the dreaded 'Valium' in the conversation.

"Hey." I said, managing not to stutter through the shaking. "Like it's not bad enough that you have to knock me out, I don't think you need to humiliate me, too. No laughing gas stuff, Just knock me out, seriously."

I did not need more drugs in my system than I was already going to have.

The dentist nodded. "If you're sure, Fang..."

"I'm sure." I said, nodding back.

The dentist turned to his nurse. "Alright, let's just get this show on the road already."

It wasn't long before a nurse was by my side. The minute she began wiping my arm down with iodine or whatever they put on it, I looked away. If I saw that needle go into me, there would be no need to put me under, I'd already be out.

Which, of course now makes me wonder why I didn't just look, pass out, and avoid all the Hellish torture, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

I fought down the urge to stiffen up the minute I felt the needle pierce my skin, knowing it would only make things worse. I gripped the armrest on the opposite side and continued to look away, watching the nurses and dentist at work. This sucked. I was just sitting there, a needle sticking out of me, watching people run around and having no idea what they were running around for. Weren't they supposed to, like, knock me out already? When were they going to start that?

I tried to ignore the poking feeling of the needle sticking out of my arm, but it wasn't long before a burning sensation began to start coming from the spot where it was. I wanted to do something, I don't know what, but something to get it to stop, but with my arms tied down, I was helpless.

"Hey." I said to the people running around me. "Is it supposed to burn?"

No one answered me. Oh, great, they were ignoring me now. I could be being infused with lethal substances and they were just going to keep right on working around me.

One of the nurses turned on a radio. Lady GaGa's 'Bad Romance' started playing. Great, like I don't hear enough of this girl's music thanks to Nudge.

I lied back in the stupid chair more, just wishing this torture was over already.

But my luck just doesn't work that way.

I opened my mouth, wanting to say something to get their attention again, when I was interrupted.

By none other than Lady GaGa herself.

Obviously, she had gotten this great idea that a dental surgeon's office was a great place to film another 'Bad Romance' video and that she should just bring her dance crew in right that second and start dancing.

"What the heck?" I blurted out. "Get out of here! This is a freaking dentist's office! Take your Pokerface somewhere else and play a Love Game with Alejandro and your Paparazzi!"

Yeah...I need to stop hanging around Nudge...

Lady GaGa looked about ready to throw her wig at me when Max came flying into the room. Literally. She flew through the window.

"Fang, you've got to come home right now! It's an emergency!"

I jumped out of the chair, leaving the dentists to figure out what to do with Lady GaGa and her dancing minions.

It didn't take us long to fly to the Martinez house, which was suddenly the only house in town. We landed in the front yard where the entire Flock plus Dr. M and Ella were standing in a circle next to a Mexican-looking guy who was holding one of those old-fashioned push lawn mowers.

And, in the middle of the circle, was Total, who was not only flat as a pancake, but missing all four of his legs.

"What happened?" I asked, walking up to the Flock.

"Enrique the Lawn Guy ran Total over!" Nudge exclaimed.

I spun to face this random new lawn guy. "Hey! That was our talking dog....Mascot...Pet....Thing! What do you have to say for yourself?

Enrique to a deep breath. Then...

He broke into song.

"I'm looking over

My dead dog Rover

That I ran over with the mower!

One leg is missing

The other is gone

One leg is strewn about the lawn!

No need explaining,

The one remaining

Is stuck to the garage door!

I'm looking over

My dead dog Rover

That I ran over with the mower!"

I just stared at the guy in shock. I didn't know if I wanted to punch him or applaud him on the awesome improvisation.

Before I could make up my mind on that subject, though, Max grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me away.

"Hurry, Fang! There's another emergency!"

"Where?" I asked, following her.

She didn't answer, instead taking off into the sky. I followed her, trying as hard as I could to keep up. Soon, we were flying high above the ocean. On either side of me, Pooky and Spiffy were flying on hoverboards. They waved and I waved back. Nice to see some familiar faces out here on the ocean.

I looked out a bit beyond Max and spotted out emergency right off. There was an island out there that seemed to be starting to tip over.

"It's Guam!" Max yelled back to me. "It's about to capsize!"

Who knew, the guy from Georgia wasn't nuts after all. I sped towards Guam as fast as I could.

"We need to rescue the people!" Max yelled.

I nodded and dived toward the capsizing island, snatching up the first islander I could get my hands on.

That islander happened to be Justin.

"Justin, what I are you doing here?" I asked my illegitimate son. "I thought you were in Russia!"

"I swam to Guam so I could try to get closer to you and Mommy!" Justin said, hugging me.

"Oh...Alright." I said, flying him to land. "You stay here where it's safe."

"But Daddy." Justin said. "You gotta wake up."

"Wake up?" I asked him. "What are you talking about? I gotta save Guam!"

"No, wake up." Justin said.

"Justin..." I said warningly.

"Wake up." He kept saying. "Fang, wake up."

I just grumbled something in response. I suddenly felt really tired, about ready to do the exact opposite of waking up. But, somehow, I managed to slowly open my eyes.

After a moment of only seeing a load of fuzzy lumps, I finally was able to make out the dentist's room I had been brought into earlier that day. I was back.

Ok, so I had never really left. What a disappointment. I guess Guam will just have to sink.

"Nice to see you awake, Fang." One of the nurses said to me, standing by my side. "I'll just give you a minute to get your bearings."

I wanted to nod in response, but moving my head just seemed like a whole lot of work right then. Instead, I worked on just waking myself up. The first thing I noticed was a kind of cottony taste in my mouth...Wait, that's not a taste. There was gauze or something in my mouth. Oh, ick.

I had just barely gotten my brain most of the way back to RealityLand when the nurse started to slowly bring my chair down and put it into a sitting position. Oh, she had to be kidding me, I didn't want to move! But she soon took my arm and helped me up out of the chair, down the hall a couple steps, and onto some kind of bed/cot/thing in a room at the end of the hall.

"This is kind of our Recovery Room." The nurse explained. "You just stay here for a little bit and wake yourself up, ok?"

Like I had a choice. I wasn't going anywhere feeling like this.

Another nurse came in and gave me a couple ice packs to hold against my face. I guess they figured that would wake me up faster or something. I heard them say something about swelling, but I wasn't really paying attention at that point. I just wanted to go home and, like, curl up in a corner somewhere.

After a couple minutes, I felt a hand on my arm. I cracked an eye open to see Max standing over me.

"You holding up ok, Fang?" She asked me.

I managed to nod once.

"Well, I think we can start getting ready to head home then." Dr. Martinez said cheerfully. "Up and at 'em, Fang."

I rolled my eyes at her, but she didn't seem to notice, leaving the room, probably to sign some last-minute papers or get the car ready or something.

Lying there, waiting for Dr. M. with two pieces of gauze in my mouth and an ice pack on each side of my face, it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I hadn't been through Hell today after all.

This had just been purgatory. Hell was about to begin.

Me: Fang's just so optimistic, isn't he?

Fang: Heh, this chapter brings back bad memories...

Me: -evil grin- Hey, Max got to 'shut you up' here, too!

Fang: -eyeroll- Spare me, Saint.

Me: Anyway, I'd just like to give credit to my High School Psychology teacher for writing the 'Dead Dog Rover' song, which, if you didn't guess, is to the same tune as 'I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover'.

Fang: You wanna just post this damn thing?

Me: I think so.

Fang: Then you can go listen to 'Alejandro' again...

Me: Oh, shut up. I like the name.

Fang: Whatever...Lady GaGa minion.

Me: I'll 'shut you up'...

Fang: -grumbles-


53. Chapter 53: Gaggles of Googling

Me: Come on inspiration, hit!

Fang: Saint's attempting to write fanfic on low inspiration levels.

Me: -on phone- Yes, Zeus? I need to borrow a Muse, ASAP.

Fang: Saint, you could at least say something useful in the A/N...

Me: Ok. A message to Ailat: Why Fang was more disoriented than the regular human after his surgery.

1. Fang's blood flows faster than ours, thanks to the fast heartbeat. So, in theory, any drugs put into his system would travel faster and effect him faster than the normal human. (Yeah, in theory as in 'Saint's theory'.) So, he would technically need less drugs, but since this dental surgeon didn't know that stuff, he gave him the regular dose, causing disorientation.

2. Ooo...Purple cup...

3. It's funny. :D

Fang: I love how you can explain your way out of any plothole or mistake.

Me: Still not as epic as how I fixed that 'Fly By Twilight' fangs flub.

Fang: -nods- So...You ready to write?

Me: -shrugs- I'll just... -pulls out Fang's feather- Wing it.

Fang: Ow...

Fang's POV

"They can all leave now..." I managed to tell Max around the cotton balls stuffed in my mouth. "Seriously."

"Alright, troops." Max said, turning to the Flock who had congregated in my room. "Visiting hours are over. Move out."

"Aww..." Gazzy said. "But I wanted to see when his face swelled up!"

"Gazzy. Out. Now." Max ordered.

"But-" Nudge stared to say.

"VAMANOS!" Ella exclaimed. "All of you! Hasta luego." She pushed everyone out of the room and down the hall.

"Ella on a Spanish kick?" I asked Max.

She shrugged. "Let's just say, I think Iggy mentioned that he liked hearing Ella speak Spanish."

I rolled my eyes and she started to laugh.

"Just get some rest." She said, giving me and peck on the forhead. She left, shutting the door behind her.

I was finally alone, free to wallow in my own misery.

Now what?

I had kind of expected to just come home and sleep for a while, but the problem was I just wasn't sleepy. I had the T.V. that I had brought in going, but nothing interesting was on. Didn't really feel like reading, either. Required too much concentration.

My eyes travelled around the room. Notebook? Nah. Card game? Solitaire was too much work right now.



I got myself into a sitting position and pulled my laptop over, turning it on.

After almost beating my head on my keyboard in frustration at how long it took for my laptop to load, I decided to go on the internet.

Now, The Great Debate began. The debate people have been fighting for years. Lives have been lost, coutries, families, schools and office buildings torn apart over this one unthinkable choice.

Internet Explorer, Firefox, or Google Chrome?

I knew there were others involved in the debate, but those were the three I had.

For me, it wasn't exactly a hard choice. Mozilla annoyed me and IE was too slow. Google Chrome it was.

Ok...Now what? I'd beaten 'Don't Shoot the Puppy' too many times to count. Forget that.

I surfed Google for a while, seeing if I could run into anything mildly interesting.

I looked up 'Death by Wisdom Teeth Extraction'. I found a site listing the top twenty things that could go wrong. After thouroughly scaring myself senseless, I got off the site and decided to Google something a little safer.

I tried 'Bird People' just to see what came up. I got some really freaky pictures and a couple Wikipedia pages.

'Flock' brought up a whole new kind of internet browser. If it hadn't been based off of Mozilla, I might've tried it.

'Avian Bird Flu' brought up a lot on said subject. I thought for a moment and added 'Avian Bird Flu Fang'. That got me what looked like a link to some weird story. I shrugged and tried something else.

I typed in 'Iggy loves celery'. That got me someone's Twitter account. People are weird...

'Justin Ride' brought me to some kind of charity thing.

Out of severe boredom, I typed in 'Find Chuck Norris' and clicked 'I'm Feeling Lucky'. That got me a message in big, red letters stating, "Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you." Heh.

I typed in the word 'Loathing', for the heck of it, and the second thing that came up was 'Kingdom of Loathing'. Hmm... I clicked on it.

Then, my internet conked out.

Typical. With my luck, Ella was downloading something. I attempted to have some form of patience. I thought about yelling to her, then remembered the cotton in my mouth. Come to think of it, I probably had to change said cotton. Oh, gross.

I managed to change the cotton without either gagging myself or anything, then went back to the computer. Still nothing.

I grabbed the cell phone Dr. M had put on my bedside table and texted Ella. 'if ur on teh comp get off!' I figured the lack of grammar and spelling would annoy her.

A little while later, I got back, 'Modem's being stupid and learn to spell, you dweeb."

I rolled my eyes and shut the phone, also shutting off Google Chrome. Guess I'd have to live without internet.

I opened Microsoft Word up and figured I might as well write a blog post, even if I couldn't post it 'till later. It'd be something to do.

You Are Reading: Fang's Blog!

You Are Visitor Number: Ok, who the heck cares, anyway? I mean, seriously, it's not like we're giving out prizes here!Y

Ok, so Fang here, minus his wisdom teeth. They're gone.

...What do you think they do with them after they take them out? Throw 'em out? Donate them to science? Give them to the Tooth Fairy?

Maybe that's why dentists are so rich. They're selling teeth in bulk to the Tooth Fairy. I can just see the dentist meeting the T.F. on the street corner. He has all the teeth in a plastic bag, and she's all like, 'If you've got the golden, I've got the dough."

And he's like, "Oh, I've got golden, silver, and plain old pearly white."

And...Maybe I'm on too many pain meds.

Heck, when it comes to my blog posts, what else is new? I'm always on medication lately.

Oh, yeah, that makes me sound like a great role model.

Fang the druggie.

Heh, I always thought Total would make a good dealer if his law firm ever fell through.

Though, if any of us got into drugs, Max would kill us.

Unless she was doing drugs. The Valium addict.

But I shouldn't talk about doing drugs on here. That's bad. Don't do drugs, kids!

...Now what do I talk about?

Heh, I get off drugs and now I have nothing to say. That's sad.




I have cotton in my mouth. It's disgusting. And I have this stupid ice pack I'm supposed to hold to my face, but that's a pain in the butt, so I'm not. Face doesn't hurt that bad, anyway.

Of course, that's probably just 'cause of the drugs, and when they wear off, I'll be in a mess of pain.

...Great, I'm back on drugs.

And just when I thought rehab. had helped...

Just kidding!

...No Night Quills jokes, please.

Dear Lord, I hope Gazzy doesn't read this. He thinks I'm on drugs anyway. Jeez...

You know, maybe I should just shut up.


Me: You know what this means?

Fang: Blog Comments?

Me: Blog comments!

Fang: Blog comments!

Me: Blog comments!

Fang: Blog- ...I think we can stop now.

Me: ...Yeah...


54. Chapter 54: Comments of Blogness

Me: Blog comments!

Fang: I thought we stopped.

Me: Oh...

DavidPumpkin said:

You aren't giving out prizes? Damn...

ToothFairy said:

Hey! Don't pick on my addiction! It's a touchy subject! Rehab's been heck, you know! Go to it yourself and stop having illegitemate children!

Emo-ppl-r-kewl said:

Wisdom teeth? Ouch... I had a friend who had hers ripped out...Better off with the drugs, dude.

tgypwya said:

Eh? Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh?

M.G. said:

One more damn 'eh', Matthias...


-hides in terror-

CandyCorn said:

When you get random, you scare me...

Where's-The-Fire said:

Fang, come on. I believe in you. Break the addiction! Heck, you're addicted to talking about drugs! Sad, Fang, real sad...

PatrickHasFatFolds said:

I will never think of the Tooth Fairy the same way again...

St. Fang of Boredom said:

What the heck did they slip you when they knocked you out for surgery?

Skittles223 said:

I'm thinking roofies.

Fang's-Executioner said:


St. Fang of Boredom said:

She means date rape drugs.

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:


Fang's-Executioner said:

Oh, great... Anyone else find it ironic she came on after the mention of date rape drugs?

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

Hey, missing any clothes lately, hot stuff?

Fang's-Executioner said:

Don't call me hot stuff and...You have my clothes?

I'maprettybirdy! said:

That's just creepy.

NotSoHappilyEverAfter said:

What'd she steal? Your underwear?

I-is-stealin-ur-whale said:

Wonder what kind of underwear Iggy wears?

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

Boxers with red elephants on them.

Blog Owner said:


YouGotGassed said:


Blog Owner said:

Gazzy, no! ...Shit.

Me: And that's the end of the blog comments.

Fang: But we've got more to say so...


Me: If you're a fan of my writing, you may be interested in a little...Contest I'm holding...

Saint's Sequels Contest.

Fang: Ever want to write something based on Saint's fics? This is your chance to do it.

Me: Just either go to my Forum, 'Saint's Sequels Contest' or to the newest chapter of the Poetry Corner for details.


Me: I should have never given you that interviewer's job...

Fang: :D

R&R&Check out the contest!

55. Chapter 55: MmmHmm?

Me: So...I've been looking for something to update, and...

Fang: And I told her Avian Flu was being neglected.

Me: -pets Avian Flu- My poor baby...

Fang: ...She's talking to the fic. She's petting the fic. I'm living with a nut job.

Me: Tell them something they don't know.

Fang: Uhh...Saint's friend, David, just figured out why they call The Empire State Building by its name.

Me: David's special...

Fang: Ok, why don't you just write the chapter. Everything we're saying has no point.

Me: Basically. I'm just gonna pull this chapter out of my hat. I don't remember where I was going with this...

Fang: -facepalm- Great...

Fang's POV

"What's going on in here?" Max yelled, storming into my room and almost getting whacked by a flying TV remote.

Nudge and Angel, still giggling and holding their cameras, quickly exited the room as I got ready to throw a cup at them next.

"Fang!" Max said, running forward and grabbing the cup. "What're you...Oh..."

'Oh' was right. More like 'whoa'. You see, that ice pack I had neglected to actually use, it turned out that the purpose of that was to prevent any major swelling. Well, since I had failed to see its importance...

"You look like a chipmunk." Max stated, smiling.

I glared at her. Like I didn't know. And Angel and Nudge coming in for a photo shoot hadn't helped. Besides being ready to join an Alvin look-alike contest, my face hurt. I couldn't talk. I was starting to feel hungry, but what could I eat in this position? Not anything filling. I put my cup back down on the table and proceeded to lie back against my pillow, still glaring at Max.

"Don't be giving me that look." She said. "It's not my fault your face swelled up like a balloon."

I opened my mouth to say something back and quickly just shut it again. My face hurt too much to try talking out. I settled for...Glaring. Again. That was really starting to get old.

Luckily, my sad attempt at speaking got Max to take pity on me. She patted my shoulder lightly. "It's ok, I get it. Life sucks right now. Look, if you want, I can go get you something to drink and some yogurt. Sound good?"

I nodded once. Juice and yogurt were better than nothing.

Max left to go get me the sad excuse for a meal while I turned my laptop on and pulled my blog back up. I read through the comments from last night a second time and cringed. Ok, not only was Iggy's creepy stalker back, but now Gazzy thought I needed help. I was starting to think that I needed to go through and edit blog posts before posting them, weed out the ones that probably shouldn't be posted at all.

Just as I was starting to form an idea of what to tell Gazzy, Iggy stormed in. "Fang? I need to talk to someone."

I shrugged, then realized Iggy couldn't see me, so I tried to say something, but that hurt, so I settled for a "MmmHmm..."

"Alright, so I'm getting really creeped out by this stalker-chick." Iggy said. "I think she's been stealing my clothes."

I nodded, and realized, once again, he couldn't see, so settled for another, "MmmHmm..."

"You think this is a good time to involve the cops?" He asked me. "I mean, maybe I need a restraining order or something. They could hunt her down. Get my clothes back."

"MmmHmm." I said again.

"But... I don't know. Getting the cops involved could make this messy." Iggy continued. "Plus, authority isn't exactly my best friend."

"MmmHmm..." I said again. When was Max coming back with the food? She could get rid of him.

"And...I don't want Ella to think I'm a wimp." Iggy said nervously. "She wouldn't think that about me...Would she, Fang?"

Great, he expected an answer. After a couple tries, I settled with a, "NnnUhh."

"Yeah, you're right. She wouldn't." Iggy said, thinking. "You know, maybe I should talk to her about it! Yeah! That's genius! Thanks, Fang!" He started to leave.

"MmmHmm." I said after him. If I was a genius, I was one genius of few words...

As soon as Iggy was gone, I lied back on the pillow again, rolling my eyes. Thank God Iggy was blind. I didn't need him razzing me as well.

Wondering what was taking Max so long, I reached over and grabbed the bottle of painkillers the dentist had given me, figuring I might as well get one ready for when Max returned with a drink. This should at least help.

"Put it down, Fang."

I looked up to see who had barged in this time and nearly facepalmed.

Gazzy. Great.

"Fang, I thought we talked about drugs." Gazzy said, stepping farther into the room. "They're bad...Hey, you look like a hamster with food in its mouth! Anyway, they could kill you, Fang. Just hand over the pill bottle and I'll get help for you."

I shook my head. These were my pain meds, and he couldn't take them away. I needed them.

And...I sound like a drug addict. Not the point.

"Fang, don't make me do this the hard way." Gazzy said. "I want to help you."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head again. Where the heck was Max? She needed to get him out of here before-

"You asked for it." He said. Suddenly, he came flying at me, landing on my chest, reaching for the pill bottle in my hand.

Ok, now I had worse problems than a hurt mouth.

"Gazzy- Ow! Stop- Ow! My- Yow! Pills- Ouch! Gonna- Damn it! Die- OW!"

It was then that Max finally decided to come back. Hail the heroine's gloriously LATE return!

"Gazzy! Get off Fang! What are you doing?" She ran forward, grabbing Gazzy and prying his little hands from their grasp at my shirt. I flopped back on the bed again, holding back a whimper. Ow, my face. Ow, my gut where Gazzy kicked me. Ow, my pride.

Max scolded Gazzy as I was lying there in self-pity, sending him back to his room. She brought over my juice and yogurt, placing them on my bedside table.

I pulled myself into a sitting position, then looked at the pill bottle in my hand. 'Take 1 every eight hours' it said. I opened the bottle and poured out at least three.

"Fang." Max said warningly. "Do you want to give credit to Gazzy's suspicions?"

I sat there, staring at the pills, thinking about it. I mean, might as well give the boy something to believe in, right? But Max glared at me again and I sighed, returning the extra pills to the bottle and taking the one with my juice.

"Good boy." Max said. "I'd get you a cookie, but you probably can't eat it."

I glared at her again. Thanks for reminding me, Maximum...

"You need anything else?" She asked.

I just shrugged. I couldn't think of anything else at the time.

Max rolled her eyes. "Fang why do you always do that? Just shrug or whatever? Can't you ever just say-...Whoops, sorry. Forgot." She giggled at her mistake.

My glaring eyes narrowed. I didn't find it as funny...

She just rolled her eyes. If you keep making faces at me like that, it may freeze that way.

Glaring continues...

"Look at it this way, Fang." She said, gesturing with her hand. "Now you know how Iggy feels when we forget he's blind."

Glaring... Oh, she has a point.

She patted me on the shoulder. "Take it easy, Fang. I'll be in the living room. Call if you need-...Oh, sorry." She grinned at me as she left.

Great, now everyone's a freaking comedian.

Me: Well, that was an entertaining chapter.

Fang: MmmHmm.

Me: MmmHmm?

Fang: MmmHmm MmmHmm.

Me: Ah, mmmhmmm mmhmm. MmmHmm, nnuh.

Fang: Nnuh, nnuh, mmmhmm mmmhmm.

Me: Mmm. MmmHmm mmhmm hmm.

Fang: MmmHmm mmhmm hmm mmm hmm?

Me: MmmHmm.


Note: This is a post for Project: PULL, as run by Bookaholic711. Don't know what that is? Well, there's a link on my profile, so I'd suggest checking it out! :D

56. Chapter 56: Taking Farmville to the Max

Fang: This is based on a true story.

Me; Not exactly...

Fang: Saint is a Farmville addict.

Me: Hey, I've caught you on there!

Fang: Not as much as you!

Me: Well, anyway, I'm sure this chapter will be relatable to many, rather you yourself are recovering or in the throes of an addiction, or if you know someone who's been there.

Fang: Farmville ruins lives.

Me: Oh, shut up.

Max's POV

It was late in the afternoon, only a couple hours until dinner time and I officially had nothing better to do.

I had taken care of the rest of the Flock, making sure Fang finally got the peace and quiet he deserved. Sure, it meant practically shoving Gazzy outside and bribing Iggy, but hey, it got the job done.

Problem was, it left me totally bored.

So, without anything better to do, I borrowed Ella's computer. Ella had just gone out with a couple of her friends about fifteen minutes ago, taking away my last chance at human interaction. She had left her laptop in sleep mode, so I just tapped on the keyboard to get it back on.

Jeez, Ella had a thing for opening up new windows. She had about twelve opened on all kinds of different things. I finally picked one at random and opened it.

Ella's Facebook account. Ella kept on insisting I should get an account on here, but she hadn't convinced me yet. I didn't see the point. I didn't have anyone to really keep in touch with. I could just call her and Mom if I needed to talk. Besides, I didn't like the idea of anything about my life being spread across the internet. I'd become famous enough.

I surfedaround the site anyway, using Ella's account. I noticed a whole bunch of her friends had 'poked' her with the poke feature, so I poked them all back for her. I searched a couple famous people and wrote on the CSM's Facebook page wall.

Then, I started scanning through Ella's applications.

She was mainly playing a game called Mafia Wars, which just seemed like a support to the growing crime statistics to me. She had another one called 'The Truth Game', too, where you answered stupid, meaningless questions about people for fun.

Then, I saw Farmville.

Ella didn't seem to use her Farmville game much. All it had were a couple plowed pieces of land, a chicken, and two cows. Lame.

I went back to her Wall and saw that she had about a gazillion Farmville gift requests and stuff. She had all these 'Special Deliveries' and things that she had failed to accept.

Out of curiosity, I accepted them all.

I went on Ella's Farmville and started opening them. I got some more animals, a couple trees, but mostly a lot of building parts. With all those parts, I figured she ought to have something built, but when I found out that you had to be a certain level to build something, and Ella wasn't there yet.

So, I started planting stuff in her plots. I harvested all of her animals that were ready, too. I was gonna need money to buy the building frame, after all, as well as a higher level.

Seeing that the few plots I had weren't going to be enough, I plowed some more spots and planted in them, too.

Ella had a bunch of Farmville friend requests, too. I accepted them all. Then, I found out I could get more money and experience helping out on their farms. I was all over that.

Helping on their farms got me mystery eggs, which gave me more chickens and building materials.

I surfed Ella's Facebook wall and found out that people were giving out more free stuff there, which I took advantage of.

I started sending other people free stuff, in hopes of getting things back.

Bit by bit, I started to level up.

Ella came home somewhere around Level 22. I think. I really wasn't paying attention, to be honest.

"Max... What are you doing?" Ella asked, walking into our room.

"I just adopted a Pink Cow!" I told her, not looking up from the screen. "I also just got the Animal Shelter Red Ribbon and leveled up. I think I'll buy a garage now, what do you think?"

"Are you playing Farmville?" Ella asked me, looking over my shoulder.

"Damn straight." I told her. "I have never seen a more epic farm, have you?" I said, zooming my farm out so she could see what I'd done to it.

Ella stared at my farm for a couple seconds, tilting her head to the side. "Max, how long have you been on the computer?"

I shrugged, going back to my farm. After all, my strawberries had just ripened and I needed to harvest them before they wilted. "No idea, since you left."

"What?" She asked. "Max, I've been gone for hours! You don't mean to say you've been on this computer the entire time, do you?"

I shrugged again. "I had nothing better to do..."

"Oh. My. God." She exclaimed. "Max, back away from that computer."

"Why?" I asked, alarmed. I pulled the laptop closer. "I'm not hurting anyone!"

"I think you're becoming a Farmville addict." She said, taking a step towards me. "You need to get off, it'll ruin your mind."

"Will not!" I shot back. "Actually, it's given me some great ideas! I bet I could run my own farm someday! I'll have an organic farm! It'll be great! You can help! I'll put you in charge of the arborists!"

She stared at me for a moment. "Max, give me that computer."

"No!" I yelled, getting up with the laptop.

"Just hand it over, Max." Ella said in a calming voice. "Just slowly give the computer to me and sit down..."

"Never!" I said, racing out of the room with the laptop.

I could hear Ella in hot pursuit close behind. "Mom! MOM!"

"Tattle-tale!" I yelled back at her.

Mom stepped out into the hall at that point, blocking both our paths.

"What in the world is going on here?" She asked, hands on hips, looking from one of us to the other.

"She started it!" I said, pointing to Ella.

"Max is a Farmville addict." Ella stated. "I'm trying to help her."

Mom stared at both of us for a moment, eyebrows raised.

"One's got a NyQuil addiction, the other can't tear herself off Facebook." She finally said, rolling her eyes. She looked upwards, as if looking for an answer from God himself. "I think I know why some species eat their young." She muttered.

Needless to say, Mom banned me from the computer for a couple days. I tried to fight it on grounds of complete unfairness. I mean, my crops might wither before then!

For some reason, she was completely unfazed.

"I can't believe this!" I said, throwing up my arms. I was in Fang's room now, telling him about my problems. "I wasn't hurting anything! And what about my wheat crops? No one likes withered wheat!"


Oh, how helpful. "Is that all you can say?" I shot at him.

He looked up at me, pointing to his mouth, that was still pretty swollen. "MmmHmm."

I rolledv my eyes, sitting down on the bed next to him. I sighed. "Fang? Am I really a Farmville addict?"

He looked up at me again, his eyes unreadable, as usual. At first, I thought he wasn't going to respond at all. Then, I only wished he hadn't.


Fang: Freaking unrealistic game...Pink cows and super-fast growing wheat...

Me: Candy corn ponies and chickens that lay wooden boards, too!

Fang: Yeah...

Me: That reminds me, I need to check my Farmville! Should be time to harvest the chickens! -runs off-

Fang: ...Addict. Guess I'll take care of this...


57. Chapter 57: And Down Will Fall Iggy

Me: Yes, I'm alive, and so is this story. I'm sorry my updates suck. My life has been nuts. I've been trying to work in more time for writing and such, but you might just have to bear with me. Don't worry, I'm frustrating myself.

Fang: We need that vacation to Florida at the end of the month.

Me: We sure do. I hope you guys can forgive me for my crappy updates. What can I say, on the importance scale lately, Fanfiction just hasn't made the top. Things like work and school take those spots.

Fang: I'm sure they understand survival, Saint. Chill.

Me: I just feel bad.

Fang: Calm, Saint.

Me: What are you, my Zen Master now?

Fang: Ooommmm...

Me: Very funny.

Oh, by the way, for those of you who think that, just because I haven't updated stories in a while, they're over or abandonded, I would never ditch a story without either finishing it or at least putting a 'discontinued' on it. So, none of my stories, such as this one, are over. It may take me longer to finish them, but they will be finished. Like I said, once again, I'm sorry. Remember, I started much of this when I actually had free time. I miss then...

Ok, without further ado...

Fang's POV

Wisdom Teeth Torture Week


According to Dr. Martinez, I have successfully made it through the worst of this mess. Smooth sailing from this point forward. I have managed to keep myself stable through the worst of it, all mental capabilities are intact. Physical capabilities of the mouth and jaw are still questionable, though worded answers now a possibility. Cannot

"Fang?" Max asked, looking over my shoulder. "What the heck are you writing?"

I shrugged. "Don't really know. Trying to give my suffering meaning, I guess."

Max had come to hang out in my room with me for a bit, probably trying to get away from Angel, Nudge, and Ella. Ella had chosen to introduce the other two girls to a game called 'Dance Dance Revolution'. I did not want to know.

Anyway, I wasn't in much of a talking me (I know, what else is new?), so Max had just sat there next to me on my bed, reading a book while I scribbled in a notebook I had found out of boredom. I suddenly started to write a journal entry all 'Military Prisoner of War' style when Max decided to look over my shoulder.

"Yes, because you suffer so much." Max said sarcastically, turning back to her book. She started stroking one of my wings with her hand. "You'll be fine. You should be fully recovered in the next day or two, the way we heal."

Max was probably right about that. I had already started to feel better. At least the horrible swelling had gone away and I could actually speak. But you think I could at least get a little sympathy. It's not like I had the easiest time or anything. An eight year old jumped me and tried to take my pain meds away, for crying out loud!

But, of course, no one worries about me. Oh, no, I'll be fine. I go through Hell and everything, and they just go about their merry business. I just have to lie here and suffer while everyone else has their fun. I'd tried to tell Dr. Martinez about all this, and she'd just told me to stop be a martyr.

Hey! I'm not a martyr! It's not my fault everyone is against me!

I looked back down at my notebook, sighed, and turned the page. That journal entry was looking pretty crappy, anyway. I started to draw in the margins, trying to think of something else to write. Instead, I ended up with a man-eating snake chasing Iggy over the capsizing island of Guam while Justin rafted away carrying a package of bacon and towing a whale behind him.

You had to at least give me points for creativity.

I looked over at Max, who was still reading away. Slowly, I formed the word 'Max' at the top of my page. I drew a line under her name, then put a bullet under that.

Hmmm...What defines Max?

I looked over at her again as surreptitiously as I could, trying to draw ideas. Any other time, I'd be able to think of a million things, but, of course, when I was trying, I drew a blank. Finally, my sluggish brain kicked into gear.

Good leader.

Could possibly kill anyone/thing with bare hands.

Can save the world.



Good taste in music.

Likes me.

Eats as much as I do.

Believes in me.

Needs me sometimes.

Thinks with her heart.

Keeps me on my game.

Nice lips.

Can act like she's my mom.

Wants to make the world a better place.

Could stay with her forever.

I was pretty satisfied with my list. That is, until I realized it was all positive stuff. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, but...Way to sound like a typical lovestruck teen. Bleh. And besides, I think I knew Max well enough to know she wasn't flawless. I started a list next to my original, coming up with the downsides to what I had already written, making sure to keep this part as hidden from Max as possible.

Drill sergeant.

Could possibly kill me with bare hands.

Has to save the world.

Doesn't shower.

Knows it all.

Can't sing. At all.

...None here yet. :)

Burps like a trucker.

Skeptical of EVERYONE else.

Doesn't need me sometimes.

Reacts with her heart.

Stubborn doesn't cover it.

Bony toes.


Takes on too much...

...No negative here, either. :D

I looked over my list, still not quite satisfied. There were still two that needed a con. Well, didn't need it, but...It looked weird without a match for each one. Then there was the fact that some of the 'cons' weren't really cons at all. Heck, I didn't shower enough, either, I couldn't talk. And I didn't mind that Max couldn't sing. In fact, I found her lack of ability...Cute? Yeah, there's no other word for it, damn. The whole Flock could burp with the best of 'em. Come to think of it, I didn't want Max needing me all the time. I wanted her to be her strong, independent self. Plus, I didn't need someone hanging on to me for support twenty-four seven. And I didn't exactly care about her toes...Yeah, I needed to work on this list.

I flipped to a new page, figuring I'd type up my list later so I could save it and edit it on my laptop.

I ended up drawing again, this time using the entire page to create my masterpiece. I was so into my drawing that I didn't even notice Max staring over my shoulder 'till I was almost done.

"What the heck is that?" Max asked, almost making me jump.

"Isn't it obvious?" I asked her. "It's Guam. There's Iggy being chased by native islanders, Angel's swimming with the Narwhals, Justin's eating bacon, Lady GaGa's doing a 'Save Guam' concert, there's some American troops sinking into the ocean, Gazzy's been turned into a flying monkey, Nudge is playing hockey with some turtles, and Total's roasting on a spit. Oh, and there's you and I, sunning ourselves on the beach."

Max was silent for a moment. "I worry about you sometimes. What's this sudden fascination with Guam, anyway?"

I was about to answer her, planning on telling her about my dream when we heard a commotion outside my room. Max gave me a slight pat on the shoulder and got up to see what was up. As soon as she opened the door, however, I heard the message loud and clear in Gazzy's voice.

"Iggy's hurt!"

Iggy's POV

Not to break the fourth wall here, but I have no idea why Fang's version was told first, other than to build suspence. Let's take this story back a bit.

As much as I adore being with Ella, 'Dance Dance Revolution' just didn't seem like my thing. It kinda helps if you can see the screen and such. I couldn't take just hanging around the house, either. Going on the blog's chatroom kind of lost its appeal after my stalker started hanging around on there. According to Dr. M, it was a beautifully sunny day, so I took her word for it and decided today would be a good day to spend outside.

Mistake number one.

Of course, going outside by myself wasn't that exciting. I had to stay in the general area or, bam, lost. So I asked Gazzy if he felt like heading outside for a bit.

"Sure!" He told me, sounding excited. Obviously, 'Dance Dance Revolution' wasn't for him, either. I heard him rustling papers and things around our room. "I've built some new bombs and stuff we could try out somewhere! And this thing...Well, you'll just have to hear it in action."

"Sounds awesome, man." I told him, giving him a thumbs up. "I'll meet you at the front door."

Mistake number two.

Gazzy and I automatically agreed that sticking around the yard was way too tame for us. We were soon off, flying high over the treetops, looking for a good place to play with explosives.

Mistake number three.

We flew over the forest for a while, failing to find a good clearing.

"You didn't think to pack any food along with the explosives in that backpack, did you, Gaz?" I asked him.

Gazzy shook his head as he flew. "Didn't realize it'd take this long."

I sighed, going back to just flying and listening to the sound of Gazzy's wing beats. "See anything yet?"

"Not a thing." Gazzy replied. "Just trees, trees, and more trees."

"More than what I'm seeing." I muttered. This was the most frustrating part of our outing. Waiting for Gazzy to see something.

Just when I was thinking of telling Gazzy to just land in the trees somewhere and we'd use our explosives to make our own clearing, I heard a familiar sound coming up from behind us. It was the sound of a helicopter.

"Is that what I think it is?" Gazzy asked, obviously hearing the sound as well.

"I think so." I answered him. "Can you see it anywhere?"

"Not yet." Gaz said, after a pause. "Think we should take cover?" The Flock didn't exactly have a great track record with surprise run-ins with helicopters, and Gazzy and I had no wish to tempt fate again.

"Yeah." I told him. "Dive for the trees."

I followed the sound of Gazzy's rapidly-beating wings downward, heading for the cover of the trees. After that, I'm not sure what happened. Maybe hearing the helicopter looming closer made me panic. Maybe I was descending at a bad angle, or the wind wasn't blowing in my favor. I swore I felt something hit me at one point, so maybe I have a suicidal goose to blame.

In any case, somewhere in our rush for cover, I switched from flying to falling.

"Almost there!" Gazzy had called to me from a little ahead.

I had just started to nod when I felt something hit my left wing, sending it in the opposite direction than it was supposed to be flapping in. The force of the impact sent me spiralling out of control. I tried to regain my flight again, but no matter how much I tried to flap, it was like I couldn't get a good hold. Not to mention the sharp pain shooting up my left wing wasn't helping.

And just when things couldn't get much worse, I hit something with a loud 'crack!'

Then another something.

And another.

I was falling right through the trees we had been heading for, hitting every single branch along the way. I felt my wings get tangled up in the branches and twigs, only to have gravity rip them out again. My arms, legs, and hair were no match for the trees either, getting caught, tangled, and ripped free through the entire fall.

The only good thing about all those branches was that they slowed my descent. By the time I broke free of the trees and hit the ground below, the speed of my fall had dropped dramatically.

Damn it, because I was about ready to die.

I just lay there on the ground for a moment, not wanting to move. Every part of my body hurt. There were hundreds of sharp pains shooting through my right wing, and my left wasn't feeling that great, either. One of my arms was throbbing madly as well. My head felt like someone was pounding on it from the inside with a hammer. Not to mention the stinging and throbbing of hundreds of scratches and bruises.

How the heck did this happen?

"Iggy!" I heard Gazzy's voice yell from somewhere on my left. I heard his footsteps running towards me, and soon a small hand was resting on my shoulder. "Iggy! What happened? Are you ok?"

"Ugh." I said, trying to slowly pull myself up. I definitely wasn't in the best of shape, but I couldn't let Gazzy panic. "I'll- I'll survive." I said slowly. "Did you see what hit me?"

"No, I didn't." He said, after a pause. I just saw you suddenly fall past me."

"Great, a hit and run." I muttered. Using my good arm, I started to pull myself into a sitting position, only to end up back on the ground again when I started to feel light-headed.

"Iggy, are you sure you're ok? Maybe I should get help..." Gazzy started to say.

"It's ok, Gaz, I'll be alright." I told him, lying with the best of 'em. "I'm just a little dazed. Give me minute." I didn't want Gazzy heading back by himself. Besides that random helicopter, which could be everything, anything, or nothing, I still really had no idea what had hit me. Coud have been something harmless, but then again...

"You're head is bleeding a little." Gazzy said.

"How bad?" I asked him.

There was a pause as he looked at my head, then, "Not too bad. Just a big scratch."

"Then I'll live." I started to slowly pull myself into a sitting position, elevating myself in small increments. I didn't want to stick around here long, not when we had no idea what coud pounce on us next. I silently cursed myself for not thinking to bring Dr. M's cell phone.

When I finally had been able to sit for a minute without tipping over, I started to work on standing up.

"Iggy, are you sure-" Gazzy started to say.

"I'm alright, Gaz, I just don't want to stick around here too long." I told him. "We need to get back. Pronto."

I was surprised to find that both my legs held my weight. They'd somehow come out of the fall with only minor bumps and scrapes. My right arm, on the other hand, was basically useless. My head was still throbbing and, when I moved my left wing, I had hold back a yell as pain shot right through it.

Oh, yeah, I was in great shape.

"Well," I said, "Let's take off and head for home."

I don't know how I even got off the ground.

Every time I flapped my wing, I nearly howled in pain. At this point, the best I could do was lower it down to hissing and moaning in pain instead, which I think was making Gazzy a little uneasy, but it couldn't be helped. Once I got off the ground (a procedure I thought would surely kill me), I ws ok if I could stay gliding. My wing hurt, but if I kept it still, it wasn't as bad. But every time I needed to flap, it was like someone was ripping my wing off and forcefully sticking it back on again.

"We're almost there, Iggy!" Gazzy called from where he flew by my side. "Just a little farther."

I nodded in response. I hoped he was right. I didn't think I was going to make it much farther. It was suddenly getting really hard to focus and I was feeling kind of light-headed again.

"Start descending!" Gazzy called. He didn't have to tell me twice. I practically let myself drop, only flapping to slow my fall. I felt two hands grab the back of my shirt as I went down and realized I wasn't the only one worried about my body going splat against the earth. Actually, at this point, Gazzy was probably more concerned than I was.

Finally, I hit the grass with a soft 'thud'. I didn't even try to get up. I just lied there, face in the dandelions, barely concious. My wing was practically screaming in pain, kind of what I felt like doing right then. I tried half-heartedly to move it, hoping maybe a different position would make it fee better, but it wasn't even responding to me now. Great.

"I think I heard something snap on the way down." Gazzy said. "That's why I grabbed you. Iggy, what happened?"

Something went snap? Oh, that explains it... "Yeah..Just give me a sec..." I couldn't even keep my eyes open. Falling asleep seemed like a really good idea right now...

"Oh, forget it." I heard Gazzy say. Then, I heard his footsteps running off. I heard the front door slam against the side of the house and Gazzy's voice screaming, "Iggy's hurt!"

But it all seemed kind of far away, like it was happening on tv. or something. I couldn't bring myself to be that concerned. I just shut my eyes and let myself drift into unconciousness.

Fang: You can tell you started out with no point, then came up with a plot halfway through.

Me: Actually, I'd been planning this thing with Iggy, I just wasn't sure how to segway into it yet.

Fang: Sure...

Me: Well, in the meantime, thanks to Iggy, -glares at Iggy- Fang and I need to go rebuild the fourth wall.

Fang: -sigh- I'll go get some bricks...

Me: And while we're doing construction, you can


P.S. Anyone recognize the list from the end of FANG?

58. Chapter 58: Why Seagulls Fly in Circles

Me: Gotta post, gotta post, gotta post right now...

Fang: ...What are you singing?

Me: I'm singing because I need to hurry up and post this chapter so I can pack!

Fang: Well...Then stop singing and post it!

Me: And ruin a perfectly good A/N filler?

Fang: -eyeroll-

Me: Ok, I need to make a very important announcement before I post, though...


That's right, it's Fangalicous08's b-day today (January 23), and I'm dedicating this chapter to her!

Did I mention I'm the beta for her story, Rainy Day Games With the Flock? Good story. You could go R&R it when you're done here and wish her a Happy Birthday. Just sayin'.

Fang: Are you done shamelessly plugging Skit's story?

Me: ...Yeah, I think so.

Fang: Anything else?

Me: Yeah...Stayed tuned 'till the end! I have another important announcement at the bottom!

Max's POV

"Ok, what's broken on him?" A better question would have been, 'What's not broken on him?'. Iggy was a mess. Gazzy had given us the rundown on what had happened and I was surprised on how far Iggy had made it before collapsing. The kid had more stamina than I gave him credit for.

"I'm not sure, besides, say, everything." Mom answered. She and I had carefully carried him inside and put him on the couch. So far, all we knew was that he was still breathing, he had multiple bruises forming, and his wing was sitting at a weird angle.

"It doesn't look like he fell into a regular forest." Nudge pointed out. "It looks like he fell into a forest of those Whomping Willow trees. You know, from that Harry Potter movie? Remember watching that?"

"Yeah, we remember." I said, cutting Nudge off.

"He's not waking up." Ella said worriedly, looking up at Mom for help. She was kneeling next to him beside the couch, holding his hand.

"With the state he's in, he's probably better off asleep."

I spun around at the comment, coming face-to-face with our other patient. "Fang, aren't you supposed to be in bed?"

"And miss this?" He shook his head.

I spun back around, rolling my eyes. "Suit yourself." I looked over at Mom. "What do you think we should do?"

Mom watched Iggy for a moment, frowning. "I'm just not sure, Max. I could try and do something myself, but there's so much wrong...I could use a second opinion, and another set of hands." She let out a sigh. "I'm going to call John. You stay here with him,"

"John Abate?" Ella asked, frowning slightly. "You sure, mom? I mean, what experience does he have with bird-kids, anyway?"

"He's been studying the Flock closely, Ella. Besides, I worked with him before, both in the field and training back in college. I trust him." Mom told her before turning to go find the phone.

For some reason, I almost thought Ella looked a bit...Pissed off? But...No. I couldn't focus on that, anyway. I looked again at my injured Flock member and cringed. He was such a mess. His bruises were changing different colors. I distracted myself by finding a new bandage and gauze to replace the bandage we had placed over the cut on his head earlier. It had started to bleed through. I had Ella put some more pressure on the cut to help stop the bleeding while I gently checked him over for other injuries. I found scrapes and bruises, mostly. I noticed he was holding on of his arms awkwardly as well and wondered if he'd have another broken limb to go along with his wing.

"John's on his way." Mom informed us a short few minutes later.

"I hope you asked him to bring Valium." Fang commented. "Ig's gonna need it."

Iggy's POV

"I think we've done just about everything we can here."


"You think he'll be ok, John?"

Ow ow.

"Well, it's gonna be a rough couple of days, but he'll pull through. Their healing time is amazing."


"I think he might be waking up."

"Ig? Iggy, can you hear me?"

As much as I would have rather dove back into UnconciousLand, hearing Ella's voice pulled me back into RealityLand.

Unfortunately, the best response I could muster was a pathetic groan.

"Well, at least we know he's alive."

"Thanks, Fang."

"And can imitate a dying rhinocerous."

"Shut up, Fang."

I felt two hands wrap around mine and give it a light squeeze. "Iggy, how are you feeling?" Ella asked me.

"I feel like I should've stayed home and played Dance Dance Revolution..."

"Well, at least his wit stayed intact." Dr. Martinez said.

"Well, there goes my last ray of hope." Fang muttered.

"Fang, you're gonna have to take care of Justin while I'm stuck here." I told him.

"Two words: Russian Orphange." Fang growled out.

"Or do you mean Orphan Russianage?" Ella said, laughing.

"Ok, guys." Dr. Martinez said, cutting into our razzing.

"Dr. M." I said. "Tell me...How screwed-up am I?"

"You've got some real damage, Ig." It took me a minute to place the voice. Dr. Abate. I felt Ella's grip on my hand tighten and I gave her a light squeeze back. It was all I could do. "Your arm and wing are both broken. The wing is one clean break, the arm two seperate ones. You've got numerous cuts and bruises. Also, I think you may have sprained your other wing. In case you haven't already figured it out, you're lying on your stomach. We have you in your bedroom right now. I have the sprained wing splinted so it's folded right up against your back, but I had to splint the broken one straight out, so it's sticking off to the side. I have the broken arm resting on a pillow next to you. I know this isn't ideal, but please, try not to move too much."

"Yeah, sure..." As much as I wanted to debate this set-up, I had one more pressing worry. "How bad is the break? In my wing, I mean. It'll heal, right?"

"It should heal fine." Dr. Martinez answered.

"Yeah, and of it doesn't, we could always find a wing donor." Fang pointed out.

"A wing donor?" Dr. Abate asked.

"You do not know how many seagulls won't come to shore for fear we'll need a new wing." Fang told him.

"Funny, Fang." Dr. Abate replied.

"Seriously." Fang went on. "Why do you think there's always seagulls circling around McDonald's around here? They can only circle because they have only one wing. They're wing donors."

"Val, where are you going?" I heard Dr. Abate ask Dr. Martinez.

"I need to go check the medicine cabinet." Dr. M answered. "Make sure the NyQuil is still there."

"Fang!" Gazzy exclaimed. There was a bit of a verbal skirmish that was quickly led outside. Soon, it was just Ella and I.

As much as I liked being alone with Ella, the conversation had been keeping me distracted from the pain, and without it, I was powerless.

"They couldn't have left me with a dose of morphine?" I muttered, wincing slightly. It seems the two doctors might have missed a couple bruised ribs.

"Fang suggested Valium, but they didn't want to drug you up." Ella said. "You might move around and defeat the whole purpose."

I sighed, laying my head back down on my pillow. Everything hurt. I tried to focus elsewhere, but it always came back to my wing, my arm, my head, and everywhere else.

Then, I felt a small, warm hand stroking gently down my back, pausing only to give a scratch between the wings. I tried to bring my focus to that; a pleasant feeling amidst all the pain.

"I'm just so glad you're alright." Ella said.

"I just wish I knew what hit me." I replied. "I'd like to give it a piece of my mind."

"Not in this condition, you won't." She said. "Wait 'till you're feeling better. We can go find and beat it within an inch of its life."

"If we ever find out what 'it' was." I grumbled.

"Don't worry about it, Ig." Ella told me.

"So...Dr. Abate got called over?" I asked her. I almost regretted sayingit as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I felt her hand tense slightly on my back.

"Mom didn't need his help." Ella said. "She could have done all of that on her own."

"Well, a lot of doctors get second opinions and stuff." I pointed out. "She just wanted to be extra sure-"

"Well, he's done. So why isn't he leaving?" Ella snapped.

"She's...Thanking him?" I ventured.

"Whatever." I was a little afraid I'd upset Ella for a minute, but then her hand went back to stroking my back and I knew she'd be ok, at least.

I'd been caught in this trap for a couple days now. I could see Ella's point, in a way, but I knew it wasn't a valid one. I didn't know what, if anything, was going on between Dr. Martinez and Dr. Abate, but they had every right to have whatever they wanted going on. But Ella couldn't stand the thought of it. She had some real loyalty to her dad. I wished I knew exactly what had happened to him, but she didn't volunteer any information and I didn't ask.

When the heck did my life get so darn complicated?

I tried to keep my mind off of it, along with keeping it off of the giant pain that was most of my body. I focused on the gentle motion of Ella's hand up and down my back. I just wanted to drift off to sleep. And, from how comfortable it was, it looked like I might finally get my wish.

"Dude...You look like crap."

I recognized that voice. But no, it couldn't be...


"And Pooky." said another voice. "Don't forget your fellow bird!"

"But...Oh, come on! I'm not even feverish!" I said. "Or on drugs! Why should I be dreaming about you guys?"

"Probably because you need to for some sub-concious reason." Spiffy said.

"But that's not the point." Pooky went on. "The point is, you, my friend, have a dilemma."

"Will you help out your little girlfriend to great rid of John Abate, or risk pissing her off to convince her it's ok?" Spiffy asked.

I sat up in bed since, Hell, it's a dream. I'm pain free here. "I don't know. I mean, I think I know what I should do, but I don't think she'll listen to me. And if she gets upset with me..." I shuddered.

"You could stay neutral." Spiffy suggested.

"I don't think she'll let me do that." I replied sadly.

"Oh, by the way, we brought you a seagull." Pooky said.

"What? Why?" I asked. I heard the gull screech and shuffled back a bit.

"It's your wing donor!" Spiffy said. "We heard from Fang that you needed one."

I rolled my eyes. "I do not need a wing donor."

"Well, that's too bad, seeing as how Norbert here is a donor and everything." Pooky said. "It's even on his flyer's license."

"Oh, and someone sent you this lovely fruit basket." Spiffy said. "It says 'Get Well Soon. Love, Your Stalker."

"Oh, shit." I muttered. She's even infested my dreams!

"I wanna know who sent the giant jug of Kool-Aid." Pooky said.

"The what?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah!"

"Oh, no." I said. "Not the Kool-Aid Man!"

"Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!"

"Oh, no, Kool-Aid Man!" I told him. "You take your big fat glass out of my dream world!"

"Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!"

"NO! No more!"

"...Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. No more."

"Oh, yeah..."





"OH, NO!"

"You know, Iggy." Spiffy said, somewhere in the chaos. "I know a good therapist..."


"Ok, but you'll need to hold Norbert." Pooky said, handing me the seagull. The two ran off and I heard a battle ensue behind me.

"I don't suppose you have any helpful advice?" I asked the seagull.

Norbert screeched straight into my face.

"Yeah, that's what I thought..." I muttered.

Me: First off, I must thank Affie and her grandson, Nick, for the 'seagull wing donor' idea. That was an interesting conversation...

Fang: It was disturbing...

Me: Only for you.

Fang: Random test. If you actually read our A/Ns, please check in with our secretary, Carl the Sociopathic Llama and tell him your favorite type of sandwich.

Me: We wonder how many people read these...

Fang: Anyway, now for our special announcement...

Me: Well...


We will be in Orlando, Florida January 25th to Febuary 1st. We will be at Disney, mostly.

Fang: Our first meal down there will be at Germany in EPCOT.

Me: Leave it to you to think of food...

Fang: :D Wait...Why are we telling people this?

Me: Why not? It's not lije telling them where we live. Just...Our vacation spot. Did I mention I will be wearing the fedora?

Fang: ...Are you asking for fan glompage?

Me: -shrugs- Wouldn't it be something?

Fang: Anyway, our actual point is that we probably won't be on.

Me: But it's only for a week.

Fang: We may bring the laptop. Not sure.

Me: I don't want my baby hurt or stolen... -pets laptop-

Fang: But on the other hand, she can't live without it.

Me: But now the A/N is going on too long, so...


59. Chapter 59: Stalkers and Silly Putty


Me: Yes, people, the crappiest updater in the MR fandom yet lives. And so do her fics.

Fang: She just never updates them.

Me: Can I help that I have a life? -sigh- Really, I hate that I never update anymore. And I'm sorry to all of you who've had to wait so long for an update. I wish I could promise that updates will get better, but...I don't know yet. All I can say is, I'm working on it.

Fang: That's what you always say. "I'm working on it!"

Me: Well, I am!

Fang: -eyeroll-

Stalker's POV

My cursor hovered over the 'send' key as I inspected my handiwork one final time.

Not to pat myself on the back, but I had to say, I'd done a fantastic job. Originally, I'd started out by using pictures and PhotoShop to make the most epic Get Well Soon card, then realized he'd never actually see it. Not wanting to completely waste my handiwork, I took my many edited pictures and set them to a slideshow with music. This, coupled with the flowers I was having sent would surely convince Iggy of how much I cared for him.

I just couldn't believe how well this had worked out.

When I sent that rock flying through the air with my slingshot that day in the woods, my goal wasn't to hurt Iggy, but to just get him out of the sky before the helicopter I had spotted saw him. Just scare him enough to get him to land. But the rock had hit his wing, and I watched in horror as my darling went spiralling downward.

But now, I saw that my mistake was truly a blessing.

Iggy was hurt, and badly, but not mortally. He just needed a little TLC, and he would be good as new in no time.

Problem was, in the situation he was in right now, he wouldn't be getting the care he deserved. All he had was his well-meaning but incompetent Flock and that Ella bitch to tend to him. I needed to find a way to get to him. Surely, if I were the one to nurse him back to health there would be not a question in his mind where his heart belonged.

With me.

All I needed to do was find a way to him.

I hit the 'send' button and watched my e-mail fly swiftly to Iggy's waiting inbox. I smiled, thinking of the expression on Ella's face if she were the one to read it to him. She'd be horrified, angry. All the better. Angry people don't think straight. They charge off and make mistakes. I wanted her angry. With any luck, she'd take it out on the wrong person. Then, she wouldn't seem so 'sweet'.

Slowly, a plan began to form in my head, as I surfed the net, looking up song lyrics to pass the time. Wedding song ideas, mostly, though I kept coming across the lyrics to 'Girlfriend' and 'You Belong With Me' for some reason.

Finally, the lightbulb lit, and my plan clicked into place. Closing up my YouTube window, I pulled up the Google page and began typing up the keywords that would put my plan into action.

In a matter of moments, I had John Abate's apartment address.

Fang's POV

My room has to be the most boring place on the planet.

I was basically banished to my bedroom; every other place that I wanted to be was forbidden. I wasn't allowed to terrorize Iggy as he was now officially the worse-off patient in the house. The females of the house were having 'Girl Time' in the living room, something I would rather miss out on. Max hadn't been too keen on the idea, but Nudge insisted, and she relented. I think the idea was to cheer Ella up and distract her from Iggy's condition. Gazzy, as far as I knew, hadn't left his buddy's side. And the dogs were out doing... Whatever it is that dogs do...

That left me alone in my room. Bored.

The internet had gone down today, meaning I couldn't even check my blog. I tried to read a book, but what books I could find in the house just weren't my cup of tea. Sorry, Twilight fans, Edward Cullen does not make me swoon. And all you Night World fans can keep your vampires and witches.

I ended up lying on my bed, staring at my ceiling, attempting to ponder the meaning of life. The only thing I had come up with so far was that there was no specific 'meaning of life', but that each life had its own, different meaning. Kind of reminded me of that annoying Katy Perry song Nudge was always blasting. Fire...Something.

So basically, the meaning of life is a Katy Perry song.

Meaning the meaning of life is Katy Perry.

Which is fine by me. I wouldn't mind spending my whole life looking at Katy Perry. Just...Don't let Max know that.

"Yo, Fang, what's up, bro?"

Oh, great. "Pooky, I'm not sick. Why are you here?"

Pooky hopped up on the bed, grinning at me. A strange look for a penguin. "You're sleeping. That's enough for me to show up. So, how's life?"

I shrugged. "Boring, mostly."

"You should get out more." Pooky said. "Try new things, meet new people...Especially the ladies." He gave me a nudge with his wing.

I shook my head. "I'm kinda taken. Pook."

Pooky rolled his eyes. "I'm not telling you to date them. Just... Meet them."

"Trust me, Pooky, I'm fine right where I am." I told the imaginary, dream-invading penguin. "I don't need to go running around the world looking for girls. Now go and be the figment of someone else's imagination."

"Sorry, Fang, I like this gig too much." He said. Suddenly, he turned to look at my other side, his eyes widening. "Fang, you better wake up."

"Why?" I asked him.

"Something bad's about to happen."

I didn't stick around to ask what. I took control of my little dream world and pushed it away, forcing my eyes open.

Just in time for something large and sticky to adhere itself to my face.

I let out a muffled cry as I tried to pry whatever it was off of me. But the harder I tried, the more stuck it became. I was able to get it off of my face, only to have it get stuck in my hair. I tried to pull the substance out of my hair, but it only seemed to make it worse. At least, for this part, I had help.

"Gazzy, what the Hell?"

"Didn't mean for it to get stuck, Fang." Gazzy told me, trying to pry the strange substance from my hair.

"What is it, anyway?" I asked him.

"Silly putty." He answered. "You know how you can, like, copy pictures and stuff from newspapers with it? There was this one article in the paper about people who do drugs, and I wanted you to read it, but I didn't want to steal the paper in case Dr. M. wanted it, so I copied it with the silly putty. I was gonna leave it on your face so you'd see it when you woke up, but you woke up too soon."

I blinked a couple times. "You mean I have silly putty stuck in my hair?"

Gazzy just nodded.

"Dr. Martinez!" I called as loudly as I could. "I need some help!"

Me: Inspired by something my cousin, Eric, did to himself when he was younger. Silly putty to the hair. I'd suggest NEVER trying it.

Fang: Why?

Me: Oh, you'll find out...


60. Chapter 60: Hair

Me: Finally! Finished the chapter!

Fang: Took you long enough.

Me: Give me a break, I have a life. Oh my gosh... We're at chapter 60!

Fang: Wow...

Me: I know. 60 chapters! Avian Flu has been going that long!

Fang: And it just keeps going...

Me: Like now, for instance. Let's get going!

Fang's POV

"It's a good look for you."

I didn't even nod in response. I wasn't going to acknowledge that line of B.S. if I could help it. I ran my head across the top of my head for the thousandth time, hating how it felt.

It turns out silly putty is, like, impossible to get out of your hair. Once it's stuck, it's stuck. After attempting to pull it out, wash it out, comb it out, even blow-drying it to death to get it to crumble out, we were left with the only option that made sense. And that one involved an electric razor.

"You know, you kinda look like Puck from Glee." Nudge told me. "Though, maybe not as mohawky, but you could be! And everyone knows he's super good-looking."

"Yeah, he's, like, super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot." Ella added. "Lookin' good."

I rolled my eyes, my hand touching my head once more, still not used to the feeling. My hair was so freaking short! I could almost feel my temperature dropping from the lack of hair that kept my scalp warm.

Another hand came from behind, running lightly over my nearly-bald head. "You're so fuzzy." I heard Max say. Great, now I was fuzzy.

I gently moved her hand away. "Yeah, I get it."

I noticed Gazzy peek around the corner into the living room at me, then disappear again just as quickly. Initially, I'd been ready to strangle the kid, but after watching his little face stare at me in terror for a few minutes, holding back tears and mumbling a million 'I'm so sorrys', I didn't have the heart to be mad at him. Of course, no one had told him that yet, so he was still hiding from me as best he could.

Besides, Dr. Martinez had already chewed him out and grounded him before I got the chance.

"I know what you need!" Ella exclaimed, smiling a little too broadly. "A hat! No one will notice or care about your short hair if you have a cool hat! You can wear it until it starts to grow back some!"

I looked up at her, eyebrows raised. "A hat?" I asked dryly.

She nodded eagerly. "Yeah! It'll look awesome!"

"I could take you guys for a trip to the mall to get the hat." Dr. M offered. "Could pick up a couple new video games or a movie or something. Fang, you know any movies you'd like to see?"

Don't you hate it when people try to subtly make you feel better... And fail? I shrugged. "Anything's fine with me."

"The Italian Job is a good movie." Nudge said. "You'd like it, Fang. Or Avatar! That one's epic! I bet you like mostly action stuff, right? How about Lord of the Rings? 300? Clash of the Titans? Or is that all too mythological? We could get a Terminator movie! Or The Mummy! Hey, what about iRobot? Or Day After Tomorrow? And I really loved-"

"Dr. M?" I said, cutting Nudge off. "If you can stop her from chewing my ear off, I'll be your excuse to go to the mall and pretend you're all making me feel better."

Dr. Martinez nodded, shooting a glance at Nudge. "Deal."

We left Ella and Gazzy home to tend to Iggy and the rest of us headed out for the mall. I'm not sure why I agreed to this insanity, besides getting Nudge to shut up. I doubted being out in public looking like this was going to make me feel any better. I guess I just wanted to make everyone else happy.

At least I didn't fail there.

"There are so many places I want to go!" Nudge exclaimed. "H&M, Claire's... Cinnabon's! And we could take Fang to Spencer's! Oh, look at the giant pretzels! Those are so awesome!"

"Why don't you go get one?" Max said, handing her the money. "Take Angel with you."

"Something to occupy her mouth?" Dr. M asked as the two walked towards the pretzel counter. Max just nodded, smiling.

And yes, I do realize I just went to the mall with a bunch of females. I've determined I wasn't thinking when I agreed to this.

I got dragged from store to store. Not to say every store was just what the girls wanted to do. They brought me to a couple places they thought I would enjoy as well. Not all of them were that bad. I even managed to buy a couple DVDs in one. But some places... Why did Nudge think I'd like Spencer's? There was a humping dog toy in there, for crying out loud!

And why she and Max had me trying on H&M scarves, I have no idea. They just kept giggling...

Angel brought me in the Disney store and tried to get me to buy an Eeyore toy. She said he reminded her of me... Why?

We finally picked out a random clothing store and started combing the place for a hat for me. I was searching the place like mad, getting sick of the feeling of nothing covering my head but that thin layer of fuzz. Not that I needed my hair extremely long or anything, but...I couldn't stand it this short. Guess this meant I could cut the military out of my future career choices.

"How about this one?" Angel asked me, holding up a ball cap with some team's logo on it.

I shook my head. "Not exactly my type, Ange. Sorry."

"Fang! It's perfect!" Nudge said, swinging around a corner carrying this bright orange monstrosity with bling on the side. "It'll balance out all the black!"

"I think I'd rather have it blend then, uh, balance." I said, backing away from the wearable safety cone. It looked like it might bite.

Suddenly, I felt something plop down on my head and my vision was temporarily obstructed by some evil wad of pink doom.

"Thought it might look good on you." I heard Max say through stifled laughter.

I whipped the headpiece off, bringing it in front of me to examine it. It was a hot pink wide-brimmed hat with a gaudy white flower on top and pink lacy stuff hanging off one side. I cringed and tossed the thing away from me.

"Max, get rid of it, it's dangerous."

The girls started laughing. "Fang, it's just a nice little hat..." Max started to say.

I backed away from it. "I'm pretty sure it's poisoned...Or possessed. Maybe both. Oh, God, I think it just moved. Get it out of here!"

Max and the others laughed but she still picked the horrible thing up, hopefully sending it back to Hell, where it belonged. We spread out over the large department store, finding more than one hat section to search through and pulling each one apart. After what seemed like hours with no success, I took a seat on a bench that was set up in the store and took a break, letting the girls have fun with the search.

"Nice puppy fur."

I looked up to see some teenage guy with curly brown hair and a sneer plastered on his face, looking my way. I just rolled my eyes and looked away, not in the mood to deal.

"Nothing to say? Or the the barber accidentally shave out your vocal cords, too?" He asked, taking a step closer.

I considered flipping the kid the bird, but Dr. M was too close by. No need to get her all pissy. I started to get up to leave.

"Hey, I'm just informing you, that hair is freaking horrible." He said, cutting off my path. "Seriously, I don't know where you got the idea to do that to your head, but you may want to sue whoever hacked at you with a razor."

Ok, this kid was both rude and annoying. If I tried to leave, he just made some other wisecrack about my hair. I needed to get away from this little freak. Better yet... I needed to teach this smart ass a lesson.

"Dude." He told me, laughing. "Your head kind of looks like a peach with all that fuzz."

I just shrugged, putting on the best weak-looking smile I could. "Yeah, but the chemo's going great and the doctors say if I can get back into remission I might actually survive a couple more years, so I guess it's worth it. Oh, there's my family. See ya around!" I gave his now shell-shocked face a small wave and walked off to join Max by a hat rack.

Max just stared at me like a deer in the headlights. "Heard the whole thing."

I sighed. "Yeah...Sucks, huh?"

"What do you mean, it sucks?" Max said. "You just totally owned that little brat! Bet he'll think twice before making jokes about someone's looks again! What sucks about that?"

"Max." I said. "I can pass off for a cancer patient."


Max's POV

I suppose saying that we were trying to 'cheer Fang up' was a horrible excuse to go to the mall. Fang hated crowds. Fang hated shopping. Fang hated 'girl time'. Therefore, Fang hated the mall, as a trip to it usually included all three. But hey, I needed new shoes and he REALLY needed at hat.

Unfortunately, our little trip had only seemed to make things worse. He had to deal with the mall and everything it included, Nudge had never shut up, we dragged him to the craziest places and picked on him the whole way, and, to top it all off, he was mistaken for a cancer patient. Not a good day in anyone's book.

When we were finally back home, Fang holed himself up in his room with his new black and red fleece hat and we hadn't seen him since, Worried that we'd sent him over the deep end, I went to check on him, opening his bedroom door as quietly as I could and peeking inside.

Even in the dim lighting of Fang's room, I could make out his figure, sitting on his bed facing a wall, intent on the laptop in front of him. He had his wings stretched out to either side, probably sick of having them stuffed under his jacket all day while he was at the mall. He had his new hat sitting on the bed beside him. I guessed he wasn't quite used to it yet.

I had to admit, Fang looked... Different without as much hair. There were days his hair had looked like a rat's nest, days I told him to get a haircut. There was even a time when it had gotten long enough that I had to resist the urge to try and braid it. But this short was too short. Holed up in this dark room, hunched over a computer on his bed, with that hair...Yeah, he kinda did look like a cancer patient.

We needed to get him out of the house more often.

"You know, you can just come in." Fang said, not looking up. "You don't have to stand there like I don't know you're there."

I walked in, closing the door behind me and sitting next to Fang on the bed. "What's up?" I asked him, trying to look over his shoulder at the laptop screen.

He motioned for me to lean closer and I did as he brought up an e-mail sent to the blog's e-mail address. In it, was a slide show set to Katy Perry's 'Teenage Dream' and Faith Hill's 'This Kiss'. The slideshow was filled with pictures of Iggy. Some were from our air shows, but others... Where had these pics even come from? Some looked like they had been taken from the window in Iggy's room and I nervously thought back to the time Iggy had thought he'd heard someone using a camera in the window. Each pictured had hearts and other lovey-dovey symbols edited into them.

"Who sent this?" I asked Fang when I'd started breathing again.

He shook his head. "No idea. Haven't been able to trace it. The e-mail address it was sent from has since been deleted."

"This is... Creepy." I said to him. "Totally creepy. We need to do something about this."

"I was gonna show it to your mom, to start." Fang told me. "She might have an idea on what to do. In the meantime, we need to, like, cover Iggy's windows. From the inside."

"I'll get some curtains tomorrow." I said. "Might want to pick up some vicious attack dogs, too."

Fang nodded. He anxiously ran his hand over his short hair, then stopped, letting his hand drop, sighing. "This is Hell."

I put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry. We'll figure this out, like we always do. Then, we can kick some major creepy stalker butt."

Fang shook his head. "No, Max, it's not that..."

"What do you mean?" I asked him, puzzled. "What are you worried about?"

He was silent for a moment, but then, he looked at me, and, giving me a small, sheepish grin, stated, "My hair."

Starting to crack up despite myself, I reached up and ran my hand over his fuzzy top. Then, giving him a quick hug around the neck, the two of us collapsed into laughter, nearly falling off the bed in the process.

For just a moment, we had nothing to worry about.

Me: I hope there are no cancer patients who found that insulting. Definietely not what I was going for. Actually, it was inspired by something one of my co-workers (who has VERY short hair) said to someone. He was out somewhere, and some guy began to rag on him about his hair, and was being very rude about it, so my friend turned to him and said, "Yeah, well, at least the chemo is going well." Shut the guy right up. My friend said he didn't say it to be insulting. He just wanted to give the guy enough of a shock he wouldn't do it again. Just in case he started in on someone who really DID have some sort of problem like that...

Fang: There are more inspirations here.

Me: I mentioned Eric in the last chapter.

Fang: "My hair." You got that from that chick movie you love.

Me: Little Woman! The one with Winona Rider in it! Her character, Jo, has her hair cut off and sold so she can give her mom money to take a train to go see their father who has been wounded in the war. (During Civil War, I believe.) Later, her sister finds her crying in her room, and asks her, "Is it father?" and Jo just looks up and cries, "My hair!" It's one of my favorite parts in the movie. So funny, sweet, and real at the same time...

Fang: And we better cut Saint off now, or we'll have to hear Saint go on and on about the freaking movie...

Me: I like that movie!

Fang: Well, I liked Zodiac, and you don't see me discussing that...

Me: Eep! Please don't...I want to sleep tonight...

Fang: You mean about the Zodiac killer? Who killed all those people? And was never caught...

Me: -plugs ears- LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Fang: OK! Jeez...


P.S. Forgot to add... 'super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot' is from 'A Very Potter Musical'.

61. Chapter 61: The Chain of Chaos

Me: No, still not dead. Ever hear of college? Or jobs? Or moving?

Fang: Way to be rude.

Me: Everyone's been rude to me today, let me dish it out.

Fang: Not very nice of you... And not true. I was nice to you, Skittles was nice to you, Jay and Niki are nice to you...

Me: -.- I was purposfully exaggerating...

Fang: Whatever...

Me: Now that Fang ruined my rant... An update.

Iggy's POV

So, after listening to every song on my ipod, Ella's mp3 player, and Fang's ipod (who knew Fang was a Don McLean fan?) as well as torturing the dogs by making cat noises, listening to Dr. M's audiobooks (Oh my GOD, Dr. Martinez! Would those kind of moves even work?), and planning out Justin's bedroom in my head (I'm thinking jungle theme), I came to one undeniable conclusion.


There is nothing to do when you're both blind and paralyzed. It was like some cruel form of torture.

I would die of boredom. Death by ennui.

I was the King of Boredom. The President of Boredom. The Dalai Llama of Boredom. The... The... I'm sure there's something else, but Fang probably stole it.

Nasty little deadbeat dad.

I had resigned myself to listening to my ipod again, only this time, I would assign everyone a theme song...

Yeah, I was that bored.

So I hit 'shuffle', deciding I'd assign each song I heard to a different member of the household.

First thing on the list was 'Grand Theft Autumn' by Fall Out Boy. Ok, that doesn't even work as someone's theme song. Next!

'Heart Like Memphis' by the Carter Twins. Why is this on my ipod? Oh, it reminds me of Ella... Heh, happy thoughts...

Moving on...

'I Just Called To Say I Love You' by Stevie Wonder... Ella thoughts...

'Dance, Dance' by Fall Out Boy again. I wasn't really up on any of the Flock's dancing skills, except that Max once revealed to me Fang's dancing could be compared to the first steps of a newborn baby giraffe. So, pass.

'If You Were My Girl' by Emerson Drive... I need a 'Happy Ella Thoughts' playlist...

'We're Not Gonna Take It', Twisted Sister. Oh, come on, this was a Flock theme song, definitely.

'I'll Make a Man Out of You' from 'Mulan'. WHY IS DISNEY INVADING MY IPOD?

'Push' by Matchbox Twenty. 'I wanna push Fang around, and I do, and I do.'

I have no idea why picking on Fang was so entertaining... But it was.

'Numa Numa'! Now my whole body hurts from laughing too much while picturing Fang doing the Numa Numa dance...

'Honky Tonk Badonkadonk' by Trace Adkins... Innapropriate Ella thoughts... Heh...

I put the ipod down, suddenly fearing Dr. M developing telepathy.

You know, come to think of it, I seemed to have a two-track mind lately. I was either thinking about Ella or picking on Fang.

In my head, two lists began to form.

Why I Like To Think About Ella:

1. She's super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot.

2. She's sweet.

3. She likes me.

4. She can speak Spanish.

5. She's brave.

6. She's funny.

7. She likes my cooking.

8. She likes annoying Fang.

9. She likes explosions.

10. Great kisser...

Why I Like To Pick On Fang:

1. He's annoying.

2. What he owes in child support.

3. He's a deadbeat.

4. He can't dance.

5. He's cursed with ill-health.

6. He can't speak Spanish.

7. Everything's his fault.

8. Russian. Orphanage.

9. Drug Addict.

10. He can dish it as well as take it.

I thought they were all good enough reasons.

Ok, so I've now done every possible thing I could to entertain myself, and it's not even dinner time yet. I needed entertainment.

I heard the door to my room creak open. "Hey, Ig? How are you?"

Gazzy. Perfect...

I let out a dramatic sigh, the wheels in my head already turning. I was going to have a little fun with this kid... "I'm alright, I guess..."

"What's wrong?" Gazzy asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"It's... It's Fang." I said, using a dramatic technique I'd learned from listening to too many soap operas. "You know, at first I didn't believe you, Gaz, but... Well... He was just in here..."

"Is he drinking NyQuil again?" Gazzy asked seriously. Well, as serious as an eight-year-old can sound.

"I think it may be getting worse." I told him. I had remembered hearing Fang going in the bathroom to take a shower not too long ago... Hmmm... "He said some strange things to me before he went to take a shower. I think he's using the NyQuil in the shower so no one knows."

Gazzy gasped. "I need to go in there and-"

"Wait!" I said. "I have an idea. I've heard that cold showers can snap people out of the craziest things. If you could just turn his hot shower into a cold one, it would snap him right out of his drug-induced stupor!"

"But, how do I do that?" Gazzy asked.

"Just listen to me."

One Gazzy, armed with knowledge of the hot water shut-off valve, one un-manly scream, and a good laugh later and my bedroom door was flying open again and I was met with the sounds of a soggy bird-kid.

"Mind if I rant a minute?" Fang asked.

"Rant away, I'm all ears, dude." I told him, hiding my grin.

"Is the world against me or something?" He asked. "I just try to take a freaking shower, you know, wash what little hair I have left, and the hot water just randomly goes off! I mean, what the heck?"

"Heh, oh?" I said, sounding very... Suspicious...

"Iggy?" Fang asked. "What is it?"

I've got him. "Oh, nothing, dude... Yeah,uh, weird..."

"Iggy, what is it?"

I sighed. "Alright, but you didn't hear it from me."

"What, Ig?"

"It's Nudge."

"What about Nudge?" he asked.

"She... Thinks you spend too long in the shower." I told him. "So she went downstairs and turned off the hot water."

"No way."

"Way." I said. "I heard her talking out in the hall."

"I'll go tell her-" I heard him start to leave.

"Wait!" I called, stopping him in his tracks. "I've got a better idea..."

"What's all the stomping around and screeching about?" I called into the hall. "Trying to rest here!"

"Iggy!" Nudge burst into my room, nearly knocking the door off of its hinges. I heard the distinct fluttering of fabric and had to hold back a grin. "Sorry to be dumping on you and stuff, but you will so not believe this! Someone spilled bleach all over my new black sweater! I mean, how uncool is that? And then they just left it on my bed, no 'I'm sorry' note, no payment, nothing! Who would do that? This sweater-"

"Hey, Nudge?" I asked. "That wouldn't be the V-neck sweater, would it?"

"Yeah... It is. Why?"

"Oh, no..." I tried to put on my best worried face.

She bought it. "Iggy, what's wrong?"

"Max." I said. "I remember her saying she didn't like that sweater... To, uh... Slutty..."


"Said she'd like to... Make it unwearable..."

"Why, I should just-"

"Nudge, hold on a sec... Let me help..."

Over the next two hours, I was able to orchestrate the baking of some ex-lax cookies, the defacement of Celeste's favorite gown, the switching of Total's dog food, and the burying of Dr. Martinez's hair dryer. Just as I was chuckling over my successes, Dr. M came in, giving me a gentle poke in my good arm with what strangely felt like a very dirty hair dryer.

"I know what you've been up to and I'm not pleased."

I gave her what I hoped looked like the face of shock. "Whatever are you talking about? I've been here all day, resting-"

"I've talked to everyone, Iggy. The one thing that ties each of their stories together is the words, 'It was Iggy's idea'." I could hear her foot tapping on the floor.

"But I-"

"And don't think I didn't notice that you and Ella are the only two not to be pranked."

"Not true!" I pointed out. "Gazzy wasn't pranked, either!"

Dr. M let out a sigh. "I suppose there isn't much for you to do in this state, I understand. But could you please refrain from causing chaos, panic, and disorder in your spare time?"

I grinned. "But that's what I do best."

Dr. M let out an exasperated groan, and began to say something else, when the door to my room, once again, flew open.

"Mom, Dr. Abate's apartment complex is on the news. It's on fire."

The hair dryer clattered to the floor, forgotten, like my punishment.

This couldn't be good.

Fang: The beginning was so pointless.

Me: Like the whole fic, whatever, Fang.

Fang: Crabby.

Me: Spoilsport.

Fang: Whiny.

Me: Brick wall.

Fang: Cootie Queen.

Me: Lint-licker.

Fang: Hope-Killer.

Me: Dream-Smasher.

Spiffy: Married Couple.

Saint and Fang: -beat Spiffy with herring-


And... Cold shower, anyone? :P

62. Chapter 62: The Recap Chap

Fang: And the fail updater of the century returns!

Me: Oh, can it.

Fang: Just repeating what you said while writing this.

Me: It would've been up sooner if not for NaNoWriMo and the needed short recovery after.

Fang: Still...

Me: Don't have one. Illegal.

Fang: -eyeroll-

Me: Anyway, so I've had some complaints that this story is sooo long and sooo rarely updated that some of you people can't remember what the heck happened and what's going on.

Fang: So Saint decided she'd write a chapter that will (hopefully) help.

Me: Welcome to the recap chapter.

Third Person's POV

"Sorry I can't give you a larger room."

"It's alright." John answered. "It's not like I need a big space. Not much to store, you know."

Valencia frowned. "John, I'm so sorry about your apartment."

"Not your fault, Val." John answered, placing a suitcase on his small bed. "I'd like to know what started that blaze, though."

"Do you really think it was arson?" Valencia asked. "I know the police are considering it."

John shrugged, opening the suitcase and pawing through, looking for something that would serve as night clothes. "I'd like to say I hope not, for a number of reasons."

"But?" Valencia asked.

John sighed. "But I don't see what could've started such a fire, and only in my apartment." He sat down on the bed, looking up to where Valencia stood in the doorway. "But the more important question is, why would someone target my home?"

He watched Valencia for a moment, as if searching her eyes for the answers he needed, but Valencia just shook her head. "I don't know, John. We've made many enemies with the Coalition. It could be someone we have faced before, someone new, or something entirely unrelated."

John rolled his eyes at her, but smiled a laughing smile. "Helpful, Val."

She smiled back. "Hey, I try."

A noise down the hall caught the attention of the two adults. It sounded like a vacuum cleaner mixed with the sound of a dog yelping. It was soon followed by a young girl wailing her head off and someone yelling, "Unhand her or I am calling the ASPCA! Do you hear me? I'm calling the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals! This is certainly a misdemeanor!"

It was Valencia's turn to roll her eyes as she leaned out of the door, yelling, "GAZZY! PLEASE DON'T VACUUM THE DOG!"

The sounds died down quickly, reduced to the jingling of dog tags as Magnolia raced by to escape that horrible monster and the eight-year-old terror who controlled it.

Valencia turned back to her newest housemate, shaking her head. "You have no idea what you're getting into by choosing to live here, John."

"Oh, they're only children, Val." John said. "How bad can they be?"

"Oh, you poor, naive man..." Valencia said, laughing. "You just have absolutely no idea..."

"Is living with the Flock really that crazy?" He asked, not truly able to believe that a group of young kids could really be that much trouble.

"It's a trip, let me tell you." Valencia answered. "It all started a while ago, when Fang got the flu..."

"Ah, yes, I do remember hearing about that." John answered. "Was really quite sick, wasn't the poor kid?"

"Oh, you have no idea." Valencia answered. "Ran a fever so high he was seeing things, like, for instance, his friend the purple penguin by the name of Pooky." She shook her head, silently laughing at the memory. "Ah, that was something else. And then he gave the flu to Max, who was seeing a hobbit named Spiffy."

"A hobbit?" John asked. "Like Tolkien's hobbits? From The Lord of the Rings? Those short people with the curly hair and big, hairy feet? Frodo? Those hobbits?"

"I don't know of any others." Valencia replied, sounding confused. "You seem to be, um, a fan of hobbits."

"I was a big Tolkien fan as a young kid." John told her sheepishly. "But, ah, please, go on."

"And then I tried to get Iggy to take care of them." She rolled her eyes at that particular memory. "But not only did he complain about any time when he had to make them instant food, referring to the 'sploosh' sound the processed food made and constantly listing off the unknown ingredients in Campbell's soup, Max and Fang were constantly bugging him, driving him up a wall until I got Ella to become a co-caretaker of Max and Fang with Iggy to cut the kid a little slack."

"Is that when the two of them started their little relationship?" asked John curiously.

"That didn't really start until later." Valencia explained. "Though I'm sure that it did help lay down the foundation for it. Moving on, at some point, Iggy started this whole joke thing in which he informed Fang he, Iggy, was having Fang's child, he was naming the child Justin, and that he wanted child support for the imaginary baby from Fang."

"Odd." John commented, trying to wrap his mind around the whole crazy idea. "Very odd indeed."

"Tell me about it." Valencia said. "We even had a mock child support hearing over the whole deal with Judge Nudge and Total and Gazzy as lawyers and everything."

"How exactly did that all end up?" John asked.

Val smiled at the memory, disgusting as it was. "Gazzy let go of one of his 'gifts' as his closing statement.

John smiled as well. "Case dismissed."

"Pretty much." Val replied. "Anyway, during all of this insanity, both relationships between Max and Fang and Ella and Iggy and slowly growing and blossoming. They would team up together to play pranks on each other, even using, of all things, condoms to get each other in trouble." She rolled her eyes. "Poor Fang couldn't even bring himself to say the word 'condom', calling them 'protective thingies' instead. Anyway, I even had Angel once tell me Max and Fang were sleeping together."

"That must have sent you into quite a state of shock." John commented.

Val nodded, trying not to laugh. "Oh yes, I marched right into the house, ready to take the head off of the poor boy only to find out that they had actually just fallen asleep together on the bed in Max and Ella's room. I still threatened Fang with a spade, though."

John's eyes widened a fraction. "Violent for you, Val."

She nodded, grinning. "A mother has to do what a mother has to do. So, anyway, no sooner do we get Max and Fang well and back on their two feet, Iggy has to go and come down with the chicken pox."

"Ironic." John said, grinned.

Val nodded. "Very ironic. So he's down and out. I decided that would be a great time to get the Flock started on some shots, mainly the chicken pox vaccine. Well, that was the day we found out that Fang faints at the sight of needles."

"Hey, hey, hey!" John said holding up a hand. "Guys do NOT faint!"

Val rolled her eyes up to the ceiling. "You know, John, that is almost exactly what Fang said after he woke up on the exam room floor."

"Good boy." John said with a grin.

Val shot him an exasperated look, but John just grinned again.

"Moving on..." Valencia said. "Shortly after that ordeal, Fang developed some form of insomnia and was having trouble sleeping at night."

"The general definition of insomnia..." John pointed out.

Valencia ignored his comment. "One night, he decided to take some NyQuil to see if that would help him sleep at all. Well, the little fool drank nearly half a bottle and ended up jumping in bed with Iggy and yelling stuff about being sorry about sending Justin to the Orphan Russianage or whatever. Max had to drag him off to bed where he fell asleep and woke up not only to a horrible NyQuil hangover but a very concerned Gazzy who has, ever since, been trying to get Fang off of the drugs he believes he is addicted to."

"Oh my..." John said.

"You said it, John," Valencia agreed, nodding. "After that, Fang, of course, ended up with the chicken pox as well. I made Iggy and Fang bunk together, not only to cut down on the spread of chicken pox germs, but to also try and see if I could get them to get along again.

"Did it end up working out?" John asked.

"Well... Hmmm..." Valencia thought for a minute. "I don't really know if that was what got the two of them getting along relatively better or if it was something they did after they were out working with the CSM. All I really remember from that time was when Fang decided to eat the old hard boiled eggs that were in the fridge for so long and ended up giving himself food poisoning." She laughed quietly at the memory of that night. "Max and I were up well into the early hours of the morning with him. He was so sick, poor, foolish kid. We made jokes that Fang must be cursed or something with the way he kept getting himself sick."

"Sounds like he pissed off some witch doctor or Egyptian mummy or something." John agreed.

"Tell me about it." Valencia replied. "When the two of them started feeling better, Iggy ended up going to a dance with Ella and history was made." She rolled her eyes, but smiled. "Those two hooligans got home so late, but I just couldn't really stay mad with them. Ah, young love, you know?"

"Oh, do I..." John said, thinking about a totally different moment of young love in his own life.

Valencia did not notice his wandering, thoughtful look. "Max and Fang had their own little romance going on as well. They stayed home and had their own little dance, from what I hear."

"How sweet." John said, smiling.

"I know." Valencia said. "It wasn't too long after that that I introduced the Coalition to Stop the Madness to them and then they were off again."

"Sounds like a busy household." John said.

"Oh, you haven't even heard the half of it." Val said, laughing. "That was the short version. The longer one is even more insane. There was a battle between Spiffy and Pooky while Max and Fang were still sick, Iggy fought off Darth Vader to save Ella and his back scratcher, and then there was the time the kids decided to try to make smoothies or something with the blender and turned the entire kitchen into a strawberry mess."

"Well, at least I know I won't ever have to worry about being bored around here." John said with a laugh.

"You can say that again." Valencia told him.

"Well, at least I know I will not ever have to worry about being bored around here." John said again, grinning mischieviously.

Val rolled her eyes and sighed. "Really, John?"

"You said I could say it again." John said.

"You are an impossible man, John Abate." Valencia said, turning. "Well, I am going to go check on the kids. It has been way too quiet." She smiled. "You just get yourself settled, John. Tell me if you need anything in here, ok?"

"Will do." John replied. "And thank you again, Val."

"Mi casa, su casa." She replied before exiting the room. Not a few moments later, John heard her yelling to the kids down the hall, "What in the world is this? This is for dressing Iggy's wounds, not for wrapping up the Gasman like a mummy!"

John laughed to himself as he got up, trying to find a place to put his clothes away. Living with the Flock would be an adventure, to be sure.

But living with Valencia may make it worth the insanity.

Me: I think my fave quote has to be "GAZZY, PLEASE DON'T VACUUM THE DOG!"

Fang: He should've replied with a "YOU'RE SO MEAN, ALL THE TIME!"

Me: -eyeroll- The little girl we live with that I babysit sometimes, Zia, says that all the time. It's become a catchphrase between me, Fang, Richard, and Jay...





Fang: ...I think we hang out with the five-year-old too much...

Me: :P

Fang: I still like how she thought Jay was turning eleven this year.

Me: That makes us, like, babies.

Fang: Explains why you bought the baby bottle pops last night...

Me: Yeah... Ok, this A/N is going on with no point...

Fang: Pretty much... Let's end it...

R&R&Let me know if there's anything else I need to refresh your mind on/recap! I'll figure it out...

63. Chapter 63: The Game

Me: This may go down as the most hated chapter of all time.

Fang: And the most flamed.

Me: I may have to go into hiding. Change my name. Move to a remote, third-world country.

Fang: I'm gonna go find a bullet-proof vest.

Me: Better start putting that bunker together.

Fang: Because if they haven't realized what this chapter's about already...

Me: They'll know soon enough...

Fang's POV

Dr. Martinez had asked everyone to be quiet for the day so Dr. Abate could work and have some peace and quiet.

Yeah, boring.

Max had taken Ella, Nudge and Angel out for a walk, mostly to get Ella away from Iggy, I guess. She hung over him like a bird circling a McDonald's french fry all the time. Gazzy was playing in the backyard with the dogs and Iggy was busy being all paralyzed and in pain.

And, of course, Dr. Abate and Dr. Martinez were too busy working and being, well, adults.


So, not knowing what else to do, I grabbed my laptop, sat out in the living room, and surfed the good old world wide web.

Google didn't provide enough entertainment for me and I'd already beaten every level of Don't Shoot the Puppy so many times it was getting old.

I decided to go hang out on the blog for a little bit and check the recent blog comments and such.

Nothing too much had been put on for new comments, except for compliments on the air show and asking when we would be doing another. I just shook my head and went onto the the chat room on the blog to see what my followers were chatting about this time. And, of course, to make sure no creepy stalkers of Iggy were on there, looking for pictures of him in the shower or something.

"Hey, Fang!" One of the blog users said. His username was Jackson5.

"Hey there." I typed back. "Bored over here, what are you guys doing?"

After I got through the hundreds of "Oh my gosh! Hi, Fang! Hi hi hi!" stuff, another user, The Banana King, caught me up.

"Nothing too much going on around here, dude." He told me. "Just hanging out, messing with each other, keeping an eye out for Iggy's little stalker girl. You know, the usual."

"Good to know." I told him. Just then, another user that I recognized, Ramencow, signed on.

"Hey there, Ramen." I typed to her. "What's up?"

"Hi, Ramen!" Jackson5 typed to her as well.

The chat room was still as we watched the little pencil that meant that Ramencow was typing. I guess it was the chat room form of a pause in conversation.

Then, in big, bold letters, Ramen posted the words, "YOU JUST LOST THE GAME!"and quickly signed off.

Suddenly, the chat room was going wild.

"Ah, I lose!"

"Damn it! Lost again!"


"Oh my gosh, I thought this game ended!"


"It needs to end."


"Oh, shut up, Bluebird."

"Ok, what the heck is going on?" I asked the chat room.

There was another pause. Then, The Banana King replied, "Fang, dude, you have never heard of The Game?"

"What Game?" I asked him.

"The Game." Jackson5 replied.

"What in the world is The Game, people?" I asked the chat room.

"Oh, Fang, my man..." The Banana King replied. "You are sooo, sooo going to regret asking that question."

So, it turned out that The Game was very simple, really. How you played was, every time you thought of The Game, you automatically lost. And, when you lost, you had to announce it out loud or in a chat room or something like that so, basically, you could get other people to lose the game as well.

The other, more annoying rule was, once you knew of The Game, you had no choice but to play.

So, hey, anyone reading this right now has to play The Game!

I lose!


Anyway, after learning this new piece of information, I decided to get off the internet for a bit, merely afraid that someone was going to get me going on another insane game if I stayed on too much longer. They chat room group was already typing out "YOU'RE STUCK WITH IT!" every time some said the word 'what'. I did not want to know what that was about.

Oh, I guess I'm stuck with it now.


Not knowing what else to do, I decided to go to Iggy's room to see if he wanted any company. I already knew what he was doing without having to walk in and see him. He was going to be lying there, doing nothing, being miserable.

Sure enough, I walked in to find Iggy lying there, doing nothing, being miserable.

What a predictable household I live in.

"Hey, Ig. Bored?" I asked the kid, walking in.

He let out a low groan. "My life sucks."

"Sorry about that." I sat down on the bed next to him. "I would bring in the computer for you to use for a bit, but my laptop doesn't have the voice recognition thing and the other one would be a bit of work to get in here."

"Hey, it's alright man." Ig said. "I get it." He sighed. "So, what are you up to?"

I shrugged. I don't exactly know why, it was not like he could see it. Just habit, I guess. "Was just messing around the computer, checking the blog, trying to find something to do."

"No 'Don't Shoot the Puppy?" Iggy asked me.

I shook my head, again, out of habit. "Nah, got kind of bored with that old game. Beat every level and stuff."

"Oh, well, find any new games to play?" Iggy asked me.

Of course, the first thing that popped into my head was not the game I wanted to think of. "Ah, damn it, Ig! I lose!"

"You... What?" Iggy asked me, sounding confused.

"I just lost The Game!" I told him, frustrated. "Damn it..."

"What... Game?" Iggy asked me. "Fang, dude, what are you talking about?"

I grinned, suddenly finding just exactly what part of The Game was actually fun.

"Ig... Let me introduce you to The Game..."

It was not too long after I had completely explained The Game to Iggy that Gazzy walked into the room, his clothes, hands, and blonde hair covered in mud, laughing.

"Hey, guys!" He said, coming in. "What are you two talking about?"

"Jeez, Gazzy!" I exclaimed. "What the heck did you do? Take a mud bath out there?"

"Kind of..." He said with that mischievious eight-year-old grin. "The dogs knocked me into the mud and I kind of rolled around in it with them. The dogs are still outside, but I came in to see what you guys were up to."

"Well, you need to, like, go back outside and hose off or something." I told him. "If Max or Dr. M see you like that in here, they are going to flip their lids."

"I guess..." Gazzy said, looking down at his feet. "I just was hoping someone would, like, want to play, like, a game with me or something..."

Iggy groaned. I dropped my face into my hands and shook my head. "Oh, for crying out loud! Not again!"

"Really, Gazzy?" Iggy exclaimed. "Now I lost that stupid Game!"

"Yeah, I just lost, too." I told him.

Gazzy stared at us, looking very confused. "Uh, guys? What game are you talking about? And how could you just lose like that?"

Iggy and I both went silent. We turned to face each other, Iggy locking his sightless eyes with my own. We both grinned.

"Come over here for a second, Gasman." I told him. "And we will tell you all about The Game..."

I managed to get Gazzy and the dogs cleaned up before Max and the girls got home or before Dr. M or Dr. Abate came out of their rooms from working to notice. In the process, Total managed to make Gazzy and I lose The Game yet again, forcing us to tell Total all about The Game and its rules.

The Game was spreading like wildfire.

Or a plague. Really all how you look at it.

I lose. Ha.

When Max, Ella, Angel, and Nudge all got home, Gazzy, the dogs, and I were in Iggy's room with him, keeping him company. We had thought a bit about trying to trick the girls with The Game, but thinking about tricking the girls with The Game caused us to lose The Game, thus really making it impossible to think about tricking them at all, so we just let that idea go.

So we were all just hanging out, talking about explosives and stuff when Max came in, hair looking slightly windswept from her walk. Not a bad look for her. Then again, I had never seen Max look bad at all. Except when we were little kids and she was missing her two front teeth for that short time, that was just awkward. But I was missing two of my bottom ones as well, during that time, so I guess we were even.

I patted a spot on the bed next to where I sat and Max came over and sat next to me, crossing her legs and putting them over my own.

"Are you guys cuddling on my bed?" Iggy asked. "I will not put up with cuddling on my bed unless it is with me!"

"Well, I'm sure as Hell not cuddling you, Ig, so you're just going to have to live with it." I told him.

"You have been known to before..." Iggy said slyly.

"Well, I'm not drugged up on NyQuil, so I don't see it happening." I replied.

Gazzy looked ready to, once again, protest to my supposed drug use, but Max quickly cut him off, thank God. "You guys have fun today?"

"Oh, yeah, we've just been hanging out in here." I told her.

"The dogs and I went out and played in the mud!" Gazzy said excitedly.

"Sounds pretty cool." Max said, reaching over to ruffle his hair.

"I cleaned them all up." I added.

She ruffled my hair as well. "Oh, good boy! Do you want a cookie for that?"

I rolled my eyes. "Ha ha... And yes, yes I would." I told her, grinning.

"We'll try to arrange that." She answered, smiling that beautiful smile of hers.

"Hey, does anyone want to here what I did with my day today?" Iggy asked, putting on a fake whiny voice.

"Sure, Ig, go ahead." Max told him.

"I perfected my 'log in the middle of the forest' impersonation." Iggy stated proudly. "Watch." He proceeded to... Lie perfectly still.

Max gave him a half hearted round of applause. "Lovely, Ig, just lovely."

"Thank you, I'm here all night." He replied.

"Well," Max went on. "If you guys are all done with your little chat and... Log impersonations, I was thinking we could all come in here and play some kind of little game-"

We cut Max off, to her surprise, with yells, groans, and sighs.

"What?" She asked, confused. "Do you guys not want to play a game?"

"We are already playing a game, actually." I told her.

"Yeah, and we just lost it, thanks to you." Gazzy said, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, thanks a million, Maximum Ride." Iggy said. "I just lost The Game."

"Yeah, I just lost The Game, too, Ig." I told him.

"Me, too." Gazzy whined.

"Boys, not to intrude on your misery." Max said. "But what in the world are you going on about? What is this Game that you all just somehow lost? And what did I do?"

I gave Max a hug. "Baby, you are sooo, sooo gonna regret asking us those little questions..."

"That's it?" She asked, after we explained.

"That is The Game." I said, nodding to her in response.

"That's... Kind of dumb..." She said.

"Well, it doesn't matter if it's dumb or not." Iggy told her. "You are now aware of it, so you have to play, Max!"

"What in the world is taking you guys so long in here?" Ella asked, walking into the room.

"Oh, the boys are just telling me about some stupid thing they got stuck playing that Fang found out about in the blog chat room from some kids." Max explained to her sister. "Something known as 'The Game'."

Ella rolled her eyes and let out a loud groan. "Gah, Max! Sheesh, now I lose! I haven't lost The Game in almost a month!"

"You play The Game, too?" I asked her.

"Oh, sure I do." she said. "I found out all about it at school. Even some of the teachers know about it and play it. I had one teacher that actually just wrote 'I lose' as the last question on a test. The whole class rolled up the tests and threw them at her! It was hilarious..."

"This game is even bigger than I ever thought..." I commented.

"It's worldwide." Ella said.

"What are you guys doing?" Nudge asked, walking in behind Ella.

"Yeah." Angel said, coming in behind her, carrying Total in her arms. "I thought we were going to play a game."

We all groaned and yelled, even Total started to tell Angel off. Nudge was confused and poor Angel looked horribly upset until I told everyone to cool their jets for a second.

"Come on, guys, it's not Angel's fault. She just doesn't know anything about The Game yet." I said when everyone was quiet.

"The Game?" Angel asked, looking around at all of us.

"Yeah, what Game?" Nudge asked all of us. "And why can't we play?"

"Are you sure you want to play?" I asked her, giving her a sly grin.

"Well, yeah." Nudge said.

"I want to play, too!" Angel said. "Come on, Fang. Tell us about it or I'll just read your mind anyway."

"Oh, alright." I told the two girls. "But you can't say that I didn't warn the two of you..."

After we were all done telling the kids about The Game, we started up a kind of word association game, which ended in at least five losses of The Game, anyway.

I lose.

"It's been pretty quiet in here, you guys." Dr. M said, coming in with Dr. Abate to come and check on us. "Are you sure you're not destroying something or killing someone in here?"

"Oh, we're just fine, Dr. M." Iggy told her. "Just hanging out and having fun. Oh, and you should see my 'log lying in the middle of the forest' impersonation!"

"Almost as good as his pencil on the desk impersonation." I added for him.

"Well, I'm glad that you guys are having fun in here together." Dr. M said.

"Yeah, I really apprieciated the quiet today, thank you, all of you." Dr. Abate added.

"No problem." Max told him. "Anytime."

"Ok, then, kids." Dr. M said. "Just remember, I want you younger kids in bed within the next hour."

The younger kids groaned and whined a bit, but we calmed them down.

"Alright then." Dr. Martinez said. "Have fun in here, then, with whatever little game you're playing."

She did not.


Yes, yes she did do just that.

I kind of feel bad for all the paper and things that were thrown at Dr. M. And all of the yelling and screaming and "DAMN IT, NOW I JUST LOST AGAIN! THANKS A LOT!" stuff that we directed at her, but frankly, it had been almost an hour with no losses! Come on!

And I think that sending us all to our rooms for the rest of the night was completely unnecessary.

And you know what else?



Fang: DAMN IT, I LOSE! Tell me, WHY did you think writing a chapter about The Game was a good idea?

Me: You have any clue how many times I had to Tweet, post on Tumblr, or text someone the words 'I lose' while writing this chapter?

Fang: Isn't there some rule that you can only lose so many times per half-hour or something?

Me: Took me a while to write this. -.-

Fang: That's 'cause you're a fail updater.

Me: Thanks for the love, birdbrain.

Fang: No prob. :D By the way...

Me: What?




64. Chapter 64: It's Getting Hot in Here

Fang: To all of you who complained that there wasn't enough Fax or that Max and I weren't acting like a couple... This chapter is your fault.

Me: You guys wanted Fax...

Fang: Yeah, Fax. Not rape.

Me: There is no rape in this chapter! Sheesh...

Fang: Pretty close...

Me: Alright! I'll post the warning...

Warning: This chapter gets a little... Heavier towards the M-rated stuff. Nothing graphic, nothing horrible, just maybe some... Uncomfortable situations/conversations. You have been warned.

Me: Happy?

Fang: Joyous.

Me: Then let the chapter commence!

Fang's POV

It all started with Dr. Martinez and Dr. Abate both going to work with the CSM.

They left Max and I in charge. Fools.

The rest was simple. All it took was the very hint of how nice a day it was outside, and, after hearing Iggy whine about how everyone else could go enjoy it while he stayed behind, doing his log impersonations, the others, minus Ella, were out the door, taking the dogs for a walk.

Ella holed up in Iggy's room immediately after.

Then, it was just me and Max.

Today was turning out to be perfect.

There were no kids watching us, no Iggy and Ella making jokes about us, no Dr. M. hovering over us, no dogs, no obligations.

Just Max and I.

Oh, and whatever was poking me in the back.

"Ok... Babe... Hold up..."

I was finally able to disconnect Max's lips from mine long enough to remove a large hair clip from underneath my wing.

"Do you ever clean off this bed?" I asked. "Or are you, like, part raven and just nest in your collection of treasures?"

"Next time I push you onto my bed, I'll be sure to clean it off first." Max replied. She rolled onto her side next to me, head resting on one hand, the other resting across my chest.

I placed my hand over hers. "I'd apprieciate it."

"Wouldn't be as surprising, though." She moved her hand from under mine, bringing it up to my face, pulling my head around so she could lock our lips together again.

I had no problems with that.

Kissing, for me, at least, could be an awesome and annoying experience at the same time. Like, everything would be great until I let my mind wander, even for just a second. I think some people get the idea that maybe, I don't know, since I don't talk much, that I don't think, either. Or that I'm serious and focused all the time.

If you still think that... Have you been reading this story? Or did you just pick a chapter at random? Sheesh, pay attention...

Anyway, I can be focused. I can be serious. I can also pretend to be focused when I'm really thinking about... Something else.

Like right now, for instance. My mind had been completely on what I was doing. Or, more accurately, what Max was doing. How Max felt. How... Cold her hands were.

Why are her hands so cold?

Does she have frost bite or something?

Wait, that's impossible, it's not that cold out.

...Unless she held them in the freezer. But... Why?

Ok, rule that out. Hmmm... Maybe she's a vampire!

Oh man, no wonder she has me down on the bed. Get me to lose focus and make me her meal!

...I'm not sure if I'd actually mind that at this point...

Oh! Maybe she's going to turn me into a vampire!

That's perfectly fine, as long as I don't end up all sparkly like what's-his-face.

Her legs are cold, too... She shouldn't be wearing shorts if her legs are getting cold.

Maybe I should pull a blanket over her legs?

...Wait, why can I feel her legs?

Her legs have pulled up the pants legs on mine...

Why are her legs so close to my legs?

She's got a wing draped over me, too.

Ah, what the hec-

You know, she is really close to me right now. Not that I mind, it's just-

Ok, her hand's touching my waist. Her hand is on my pants, Yo, Fang! Wake up! DO SOMETHING!

I turned my head, breaking us apart, "Hey, Max, I, uh, just need a drink of water..."

Max rolled her eyes, but slowly disentangled herself from me. I hadn't realized we'd become so... Wrapped up in each other. Oh, man...

"Just hurry up, will ya?" She said, rolling onto her stomch.

I just nodded and headed out the door. Then bolted down the hallway. Then attempted to chug a pitcher of lemonade.

I tried to calm myself down. It's not like anything bad happened. Actually, 'bad' is not how I'd describe the situation. But something about it just made me want to bolt. The closeness. The intimacy...

Ok, the suggestiveness of the whole scene...

I took another long drink from the lemonade pitcher.

Max wouldn't go... That far. Not now. It was crazy to even think like that. She wasn't stupid. Yeah, sure, almost everyone was out of the house. Ella and Iggy were distracted by each other. We were basically alone.

Oh, man...

I took a couple deep breaths to calm myself down, since the lemonade was gone at this point. I just needed to take control of the situation. Not that Max was even going down that lane, I was sure of it, but still. I just needed to go in there make sure to keep things at a PG rating. PG-13, at the worst. I mean, we weren't kids, we just weren't allowed to go to R without adult supervision.

...Which would be awkward... I really need to start thinking about how I phrase things...

Pulling myself together, I headed back down the hall, into Max's room.

"Did you get a drink or fall into it?" Max asked.

I sat down on the bed next to her. "Just... Really thirsty. Drank all the lemonade."

"Jeez, Fang, what's making you so thirsty?" She asked, running a hand through what hair I had. It had slowly started to grow back, but it was still way too short for me.

She pulled herself closer to me. "Maybe it's too warm in here. I mean, you are wearing a sweater and a t-shirt..."

"I'm alri-" I started to say, but she didn't let me finish. Either Max really liked kissing me or she badly wanted that last taste of lemonade.

I hoped it was the first.

The next five minutes were just a blissful blur. The only thing I was aware of was Max. Lots of Max. All kinds of Max.

You know what? That's a lot of Max. The Maximum amount of Max.

Who knows how much longer we would've gone on if I hadn't felt those cold hands, once again. This time, I felt them on my chest.

Directly on my chest.

...Dude, where's my shirt?

I turned my head to the side, breaking us apart. "Hold on, Max. I'll, uh, be right back."

She let out a loud sigh. "Where are you going now?"

"Uh... Bathroom!" I said, hopping out of bed. "A lot of lemonade will do that..."

Before she could complain, I was out her door and racing down the hall. As much as I didn't want to, there was only one thing I could do in a situation like this.

I ripped Iggy's door open. "Dude, I need to talk to you. Now. Ella, out."

There was complete silence for a moment as Ella, sitting next to Iggy on the bed, stared at me in the doorway. She finally let out an impressed whistle.

"Planning on getting Justin a little sister, Fang?" She asked, grinning. "'Cause I don't think Ig's up to it, and-"

"Ella. Out. Now." I ground out, crossing my arms over my chest. I really needed to figure out what happened to my shirt.

"What's going on, Ells?" Iggy asked.

"Fang's standing shirtless in your doorway demanding he be alone with you." Ella told him.

"Fang, at least give me time to slip into something more comfortable." Iggy said.

I groaned. "Ella, get out. Iggy, do NOT make me regret coming to talk to you."

"Just take it slow, Fang. He's injured." Ella said.

I opened my mouth to reply, but Iggy beat me to it. "Ella, I have a feeling there's some bro code stuff invoved here, so why don't you be a good little girl and go make me a sandwich?"

Ella spat out a couple nasty-sounding words in Spanish before ruffling Iggy's hair and heading towards the door.

"Just one thing." She said, before shutting the door behind her. "I have to say, I can see what my sister sees in you, Fang. You should walk around shirtless more often." She gave me a wink and shut the door.

I rolled my eyes, walking over to sit down next to Iggy.

"I'm guessing you're not here to address Justin's status as an only child?" Iggy asked. "'Cause I did pick out a name and everything..."

"You wish." I told him. "I need to talk and I've got to be quick. Max thinks I'm in the bathroom."

"Oh, this is gonna be good, I can tell." Iggy said, grinning. "So tell me, what happened to your shirt?"

I filled Iggy in on everything from her cold hands, to the lemonade, and my missing-in-action shirt and sweater. When I reached the end, Iggy seemed to think for a moment.

"Well, Fang, I have some good news." He said.

"This better not be about car insurance."

"No, better!" he said. "I think there's a couple condoms left over from that prank that haven't been written on."

I nearly fell off the bed. "How is that good news?"

"Well, Fang, you sure as heck don't want to go in unprotected." Iggy said matter-of-factly. "It's a dangerous world out there. And I've seen what kind of father you make."

"Ig, who said I was... Going in?" I asked. "I'm not... Going in anything."

"What, is there a problem with Max?" Iggy asked.

I shook my head. "No way! I love Max, she's great. I just...Uhhh... Things just seem to be... They're..."

"Moving too fast?" Iggy suggested.

"Yeah. I mean, we're, like, fifteen. Is that even legal? I just..." I dropped my face into my hands. "Maybe I'm being stupid..."

"Actually, you're probably the least-stupid teenaged guy I've ever met." Iggy answered. "And that's including me. Look, if you're not ready for... Oh, I felt you flinch. You thought I was going to say the 's' word! Ha ha, you are sooo not ready for sex! Oh, crap, I said it, I'm sorry. Did you fall off the bed?"

I glared at him. "You're not helping."

"Like I was saying." He continued. "Just tell Max to take it easy. She loves you, she'll respect that."

"Well, we're just speculating, anyway." I said. "Maybe Max isn't going down that road at all."

"Nah, man! She just took off your shirt to cut down on static electricity. And I'm sure she had her hands all over your jeans just because she likes the texture of worn-out denim." Iggy replied. "Any other Stories from Denial?"

"Ok, ok!" I told him, getting up. "Look, I better get back to Max. Thanks, Ig."

"No prob!" He said. "Hey, just be careful! Women can be very tricky creatures."

"Speaking of which, don't be blabbing all this to Ella. Ok?" I asked.

"Bro Code, man." Iggy replied.

"More like, 'I'll tell her and make sure you never find out I told her' code."

"Either way, Fang, you'll never know." He said.

I rolled my eyes and headed back down the hall.

I had the whole scene planned out in my head.

I'd walk in. Max would still be sitting on the bed. I'd start off by trying to redirect her to something less... Suggestive. Like playing Uno. Watching TV. Taking a nap.

And if she still persisted, I would just tell her that I'd like to take things easy for a bit.

I was also mildly considering pretending to pass out, figuring it would be equally effective, but also figured I should try the ego-saving route first.

Having all this in my head, I took a deep breath, mustered up what courage and dignity I had left, and opened the door.

I stepped inside, closing the door behind me. "Hey, Max, sorry I took so-"

I was pushed back so hard my wings nearly became one with the door. I opened my mouth to protest, only to be muffled by the soft lips of another.

Kissing Max had always seemed so familiar, safe, comfortable. But this was different. I was pushed up tight against a door with Max all over me. I don't think she'd ever been this close to me before, not like this.

And, for a while, I didn't mind.

All my plans just took a flying leap out the window. As long as no one felt the need to open the door, we'd be fine.

Then, I heard the unmistakable sound of Max fixing that problem for us. She'd locked the door.

Slowly, the gears in my brain not connected directly to my hormones began to turn again. I attempted to gently push her back, but she resisted, holding me to the door. I tried to break the kiss, but she had my head pushed against the door so I couldn't move. She had my arms pinned the door as well. Max had me trapped like I was some sort of prisoner of love.

A whole new feeling set in now, one of panic. I'm in a tight corner, pressed up against a wall. I can't move. I'm trapped.

I started having trouble breathing, which was already hard enough with my mouth preoccupied. I could feel my already-rapid heartbeat trying madly to break some sort of speed record.

Freaking claustrophobia.

My knee-jerk reaction was to fight it, to try to squash my panic attack before it happen, gain some control. But then it occurred to me... A panic attack may be the only way out of this situation.

It turned out inducing a panic attack wasn't that hard. I was thinking, with how much practice I'd put into controlling my emotions, it wouldn't be easy, but it turned out not to take much to make me crack. Kind of sad, now that I think about it.

I just focused on the situation. The immobility. The wall behind me. The person crushing me into it. How hard it was to breathe like this. I struggled to get away from her, like someone being held underwater, fighting to come up for air. But Max seemed to be having trouble reading body language at the time. I was starting to get dizzy, feeling like oxygen just wasn't getting to my lungs.

So, I bit her.

Well, she should've moved her lip sooner!

"Ow, Fang, what the-"

I swear, I only passed out for, like, a second, if I even really passed out. Things went kinda dark and I slid to the floor. I could hear Max saying something, but it was a bit muffled. The good news was, I could breathe now, and I was breathing like air was going out of style. Slowly my head began to clear, and my hearing and vision with it. I looked up to see Max sitting next to me, though, thankfully, not too close, staring at me with concern.

"Fang, are you ok?"

I just nodded, silently vowing never to let myself have a panic attack again. (Barring potential rapes by fellow Flock members and dentist appointments.)

"Why didn't you tell me something was up?" Max asked, taking one of my hands.

I looked up at her, almost ready to give her a smack to the back of the head like that guy from NCIS. "I believe my mouth was a bit preoccupied, as was the rest of me. Actually, my whole body was being held against its will."

"Against your will?" Max asked.

"Yeah, against my will!" I shot back. "I certainly wasn't being allowed to move!"

"Well, somebody's gotta start the kissing around here, and you suddenly can't manage that!" Max replied.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"You used to kiss me, or at least try to kiss me all the time. Then, we're officially an "item" or whatever, and you suddenly won't touch me with a ten foot pole!"

"Sorry, Ms. Ride. I'll make sure to schedule all future wisdom teeth removals around your kissing schedule." I said sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes. "Alright, don't be a jerk about it. Just... We are together, aren't we?"

I nodded. "Yeah, we are."

"Could you act like it?" She asked.

"Sure, as long as you promise not to try and rape me again."

"Rape you?" She exclaimed. "What the Hell is that supposed to mean?"

"What the Hell are you trying to accomplish today?" I shot back.

"Um, having a real relationship with you." Max replied.

"Does that have to mean... Mean... Mean, uh-"

"Having sex?" Max interjected for me. "Oh, jeez, you can't even say it! Fang, sometimes I worry about you."

"Worry about me? Oh, jeez..." I rolled my eyes. "Point is, was that your goal today or what?"

Max paused for a bit, not meeting my gaze. "I don't know." She finally answered. "I was guess I was mostly... After your attention..."

"Well, you've got it."

"Isn't that just... Supposed to happen?" Max asked me. "Don't you... Want to?"

I had to think over the correct answer for this question. Wanting, actually, was definitely not the problem. Cut out my morals and sense of responsibility and we would be in a totally different situation right now.

I took her hand in both of mine. "Max, wanting isn't a problem. I just think now, in your mom's house, with Iggy and Ella right nearby, isn't the time. We're fifteen. We've got a Flock to take care of, a world to save. I'd rather wait for a time when we can... Better deal with the possible consequences of our actions..." I paused for a moment. "Plus, your mom will run me through with a spade if she finds out."

Slowly, Max smiled. "I love how you have to come up with euphemisms for everything. But I think I get what you're trying to say... Basically, you think we're too young, you're not ready, you're afraid of knocking me up, and you're afraid of my mom."

I blinked, the rest of me frozen. "...Yeah, you got it."

She leaned over, resting her head on my shoulder. "Alright then, no... Sexual activities. What do you suggest we do then, Fang?"

"...Wanna play a game of Uno?"

"...I lose."


Me: And just when you thought you'd escaped The Game...

Fang: Screw The Game, I've gotta a bigger problem with the end of this chapter!

Me: Oh, what now?

Fang: We never found out what happened to my shirt!

Me: ...Oh, yeah... I have no idea...

Fang: You're writing the story and have no idea what happened to my shirt?

Me: Nope!

Fang: -facepalm-

R&R&Anyone seen Fang's shirt?

65. Chapter 65: Alone With The Enemy

Me: Hey there, readers! Long time, no update, huh?

Fang: Trust me, I'm sure they know.

Me: Well, I give up apologizing. I have this hectic life-thing with school and work and stuff.

But it'll be ok. I'm fixing things.

Fang: Yeah, those who read the final chapter of the Poetry Corner will already know...

Me: Yeah, I've... Made some changes around here. Discontinued three fics to make more time for others.

Fang: And... She's dropping the hood on the Cloak of Doom.

Me: But... We'll save that for the other end of the Author's Notes. These readers have waited long enough.

Iggy's POV

So, we got to hear about an exciting day in the Life of Fang... So how about one of mine?

Oh, yeah, my days aren't exciting lately because I'm stuck in freaking bed!

I was slowly losing my mind, lying day after day in bed. I was slowly regaining some mobility, but for the most part, I was still stuck in basically the same position. I could only change positions if someone helped me.

I was miserable.

And bored.

Not a safe combination.

Everybody seemed to have their own thing to do today. I'm not going to sit here and list off every single thing everyone else was doing because I bet you don't care and, you know what? Neither do I. It's just another list of things I can't do.

I had my ipod on my bed next to me and was able to grab it and put the headphones in my ears. Listening to the same music for the thousandth time was better than nothing.

I was just browsing through my collection of Weezer's greatest when a horrible but familiar feeling tingled up my spine.

You know that feeling. When you're alone and distracted, but some sixth sense catches your attention and you, turn, searching for some unknown intruder.

The feeling that you're being watched.

It's freaky enough to suddenly realize you're not alone. But even freakier when you're blind as well as too injured to move.

"Hey, uh... Anyone there?" I asked, take the ipod earbuds out of my ears. "Hello?"

Dead silence. Too dead.

"Hello?" I asked again. This time, I caught it, the slightest sound of a floorboard squeaking. It was the tiniest noise; a normal person might have thought he'd made it up in his head. But years of being blind had sharpened my other senses, especially my hearing, far beyond even the other members of the Flock. There was definitely someone here.

"Look, you might as well just say something, I know you're here." I said. I waited a couple seconds and still heard nothing, not even breathing. Either this person knew how to breathe quietly or held a world record for holding his breath.

"Hellooooo?" I said, a bit louder. If this person wasn't going to respond, maybe someone would at least hear me and come check.

I thought I heard a shoe gently brush against the rug, but the sound was faint, even for my hearing.

This was getting ridiculous. "Ok, seriously. Who's in here? Fang? Come on, Fang, stop being a creeper, dude."

Nothing. No sound. No response. Fang was a quiet guy, but I could usually tell when it was him. I'd hoped he was the one sneaking up on me. With Fang, I knew what to expect. But, as much as I wanted it to be, it wasn't Fang. I was starting to get the feeling that it wasn't anyone from the Flock at all.

"Ok, seriously. Just because I'm blind doesn't mean you can just sneak into my room and poke around my stuff." I said. "Whoever you are, you either need to speak up or get the Hell out now... Before you regret it." I couldn't think of any better threat. It's not like I could really defend myself. The best I could do was call for help and hope that someone got here before this intruder got to me.

Dead. Freaking. Silence.

Alright, that's it. I'm not gonna lie here and let Jack the Ripper take my freaking head off. "HEY! I COULD USE SOMEONE IN HERE! HELL-"

My yells were cut off by a hand covering my mouth. It was soft and completely unfamiliar. I breathed in a caught a slight scent of lavender soap. We waited. I counted ten agonizingly long seconds. No one came. The intruder didn't say a word. I tried to pull my head out of her grasp, but she had me in a tight hold. (I'm guessing by the scent and the small, soft hands, it was a girl. I mean, sure, a guy could have small, soft hands and smell of lavender, but... Heck, please say it was a girl...) Finally, she released her hold on me, stepping back a couple paces, putting herself closer to my window.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my room?" I asked, trying to sound as menacing as possible.

She didn't speak, though she definitely wasn't as silent as before. I could hear her breathing now, quick, nervous breaths.

"What, are you mute or something? One stomp for yes, two for no."

Nothing. Frozen to the spot, I'm guessing.

"Fine, don't answer me. Answer to my whole Flock instead. GUYS!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "A LITTLE HELP HERE?! YO, FLOCK!"

As I yelled for my obviously deaf fellow Flock members, my intruder made a run for it. I heard the sound of the window sliding open. She leaped back across my floor toward my bed. At first, I tensed, thinking she was going to do something to me, but then she hopped on my bed, using as a springboard to send herself flying out the window.

A very skilled jump. Like she does it all the time...

It was mere seconds after her flying leap out my window, my bedroom door burst open.

"Iggy, what are you yelling about?!"

I rolled my eyes. "Dr. M. Great timing..."

"Ig, you ok?!"

"Ella... My knight in shining armor..."

"Iggy! What the heck?!"

"Fang? Now that is a surprise..."


"First, I can't get anyone's attention, now I've got the whole household?!"

"Ig, what is all the yelling for?" Max asked me. She sounded annoyed. I must've interrupted a make-out session with The Dark Prince or something.

"Well, if you all hadn't had so much better things to do, you would've heard me YELLING EARLIER and came to see for yourself!" I snapped.

"Please don't tell me it was a Kool-Aid man dream..." I heard Fang mutter.

"What, Fang?" Max asked.

"IGNORE HIM!" I yelled. "Someone just broke into my room!"

"What?!" A couple people asked at once.

"My room. Broken into. By someone. IS NO ONE PAYING ATTENTION?!" Annoyed? Me? What makes you think that?

"No need to get all worked up, Ig." Max told me.

"No need to get worked up?!" I snapped. "Someone broke into my room!"

"Ig, your window's hanging open." I heard Nudge comment.

"Yeah, makes it easier for intruders to jump in and out of it." I explained sarcastically.

I could hear people moving about my room now. Someone went to inspect the window, while I heard others spread out across the room, looking for more evidence of my intruder claims.

"Find evidence yet?" I asked. "You know, since God forbid you just trust the testimony of the blind guy."

"Ig, we believe you. We're just trying to see what the guy was doing in here." Max said. "If he took anything."

"She." I corrected. "Pretty sure it was female."

"You would have strange girls jumping in through your window..." Fang muttered, standing next to my bed.

"What?" Max and Ella asked in unison.

I heard Fang gulp, probably still trying to process exactly what he might have said wrong. "Point is," I said, saving him. "She was in my room. Is no one going to see if they can catch up with her?"

Max, Ella, and Dr. M set off outside to look around the house while the younger kids were set to work making sure all the windows in the house were now locked from the inside. This left Fang to keep me company, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"So..." I said, trying to break through the awkward silence.

"It's your stalker."

It wasn't a question or a guess. It was just fact.

I nodded. "Yeah, I figured that."

I heard Fang sigh. "So, what are we going to do about this?"

"Well, Dr. Martinez and Dr. Abate will probably want to call the cops." I said. "I guess we lock the windows from now on-"

"We need to find out who this is." Fang told me, rudely interrupting. "It's not safe for you or anyone with this chick running loose."

"Right." I sighed. "It'd be a lot easier if I wasn't stuck in bed."

"You'll be up soon enough, Ig." Fang reassured me. "You're healing up fine."

I thought about what had just happened. Someone had gotten into my room and I had been pretty lucky to notice. And lucky that she'd just decided to leave instead of doing... Well, whatever she wanted. She could've done so many less pleasant things.

I was lucky.

But what about next time? She was a stalker, so next time was inevitable? What about if I didn't catch her in time? Or what if she went after someone else?

"Fang, it can't be soon enough."

Stalker POV

As I ran through the woods, I silently cursed myself.

I knew I shouldn't have gone. Iggy may be blind, but his hearing abilities were amazing. I should've known I'd be caught.

But I missed him. Missed seeing him, smelling him, hearing him breathe. Like a physical pain, my heart ached to be so far away from him.

I couldn't take this anymore. Couldn't wait for Ella to finally snap over having her mom's little crush in the house.

I needed him. I needed him so bad.

I needed a change of tactic.

Me: Think we should buy the rest of the Flock hearing aids now.

Fang: -shrugs- It's Iggy. Him yelling for attention is nothing new.

Me: ...Jerk.

Fang: That's me. :P

Me: So... As we were saying above... The Cloak of Doom's hood has been lowered.

Meaning... I've pulled a Tony Stark "I'm Ironman" thing and given up my secret identity.

If you want the full story, it's in the Poetry Corner. The short version is...

Hi, I'm Rebecca. I'm from New Hampshire. You can continue to call me Saint.


Call me Saint.

Not Rebecca or any form of it.

I'll bite your head off.

Fang: She has this weird quirk with names...

Me: Well, now that that's been taken care of...


66. Chapter 66: Travel Plans

Oh, look what I updated.

Fang: Miracles do happen.

Me: I know, right? Let's face it, I'm not so great at this updating thing anymore, but I do try. And, once in a while, stuff happens.

Fang: And most of the time, you sit around rping or playing with your new iPhone.


Fang: Trust me, I know. I think you talk to Siri more than me now.

Me: Siri, talk to the readers.

Siri: I don't know what you mean by 'Siri talk to the readers'. How about I do a web search for it?

Fang: -eyeroll- Give me that.

Me: What are you doing?

Fang: Siri, where can I hide a dead body?

Siri: What kind of place are you looking for? Swamps, morturaries, reservoirs, funeral services, mines, metal foundaries, dumps, cremation services.

Me: ...If I hadn't just watched you do that...

Fang: Thank you, Siri.

Siri: Don't mention it.

Me: 0.o

Dr. M's POV

"Val, I'm thinking we really need to bring the police into this." John said, as soon as we were alone, in my office. "We at least should leave the house. We've got someone stalking one of the kids here."

"I hear you, John." I replied, organizing some papers on my desk. "It's hard though, with Max. She'd rather handle these things herself than pull the authorities into it. She doesn't trust them, and I can't really blame her. Leaving the house, though... I can't disagree with that." I stopped, placing my hands on my hips, and looking around the room. "Thing is, up and leaving one's home is not so easy."

"Consider it a vacation." John said, smiling. "I'm pretty sure some of the CSM members have vacation homes they'd let us use. Maybe, in the meantime, we can get the cops or someone to look into this."

I sighed, looking down, letting one arm drop to my side. "A vacation. I haven't had one of those since... Since Max showed up on my doorstep." Not that I resented that in the least, but my life definitely had changed since I was reunited with my eldest daughter.

"Sounds like you're in need of one, then." John said, matter-of-factly. "And the Flock, they've probably never had a real vacation. This could be good for them."

"What about Iggy?" I asked him. "He's still not fully healed up."

"I've been checking up on him. It shouldn't be too long until he's at least mobile." John explained. "That'll be enough to get us out of Arizona. We'll only tell a few close members of the CSM what we're doing and we won't alert authorities or anyone else to what's going on until after we're out of the state. It'll make it harder for this stalker to track us."

"But where do we go from there, John?" I asked.

"Well, two CSM members have vacation homes in Maine that I know of." He answered. "I know of one in Florida, too." He smiled warmly at the thought. "That would be lovely... To get to walk the beach in Florida. I haven't been there since I was a kid. At least not for anything that wasn't business."

"I've never been to Florida except with the CSM." I told him.

His eyes brightened in that way they always did when he got excited. It gave him this mischievious, childish look. "How could you have not been to Florida, Val? Disney World? You've never been?"

I shook my head, smiling at his enthusiasm. "No, John. I've never been to the Land of Mouse."

"This is a travesty!" He exclaimed, as though I'd just announced that I was guilty of tax evasion or something. "We can't have this! Valencia, you and the kids must experience Disney World."

"Actually, the Flock did go for a day." I pointed out.

He shook his head. "Not long enough. We need to go."

"John, we're focusing on getting away from a crazed stalker." I told him, trying to get my calm voice of reason to penetrate through his cloud of excitement. "This isn't the time to visit amusement parks."

"Oh, but what sort of stalker would get into Disney World, Val?" He asked. "I can talk to the CSM. You know, I think Lauren and her family have some sort of season pass type things they never use..."

"John, are you serious?" I asked, my voice rising a bit. "I'm not playing games here."

"Well, neither am I!" He replied. "I think it's important to be absolutely serious about something ridiculous every once in a while. Takes you out of your comfort zone. It how you go about actually living, Val." That crazy gleam of his eyes and devilish smirk melted into a warm smile. "Come on. Trust me."

The more reasonable part of my mind wanted to smack him right across the back of his head and get back to coming up with a more sane plan of action. But that smile, it had gotten me into some crazy situations in college, and even after years of growing up and gaining maturity, seeing that look in his eyes made me want to push all reasonable thought out the window. John could make the ridiculous seem sublime.

I sighed, turning to grab my phone so I could call my clinic and start setting up the use of my vacation time. "If you can find a way to pull this off, so be it."

He nodded. "You won't regret this, Val."

He seemed pretty calm as I walked out of the room, but as soon as I closed the door behind me, I heard an excited, "Yes!" exclaimed from the other end.

Some days, it was like the man had never grown up at all.

You Are Reading: Fang's Blog!

You Are Visitor Number: We should really get rid of this thing. Like, it's never worked, anyway.

This is a warning.

A last warning.

A... final warning.

...The Final Warning. Sounds like a book title or something...

Anyway, the point is, whoever you are, the crazy nutjob who's stalking my brother, you need to STOP. You WILL stop.

We've got enough crap chasing us without you breaking into his room and stealing his things. You need to seek some professional help for this... Obsession you've got with Iggy. 'Cause what you're doing is just sick.

I know you follow this blog. I've seen you're crazy, annoying comments. So just give it up.

Before we have to make you stop.


Me: Siri, find me inspiration.

Siri: Ok, one of these places matching 'Inspiration' is a little ways from you.

Fang: Wow... Siri, find me cheese.

Siri: I found a couple of cheese shops fairly close to you.

Fang: Epic...

Me: Siri, find Jesus.

Siri: That's a topic for another day and another assistant.

Fang: This is addicting.

Me: You get it now?

Fang: Let's R&R and see if Siri can find Atlantis.


67. Chapter 67: Blog Comments & Little Timmy

Me: Omg, she actually found Atlantis.

Fang: See if she can give us some winning lottery num- Hey, are we on another chapter?

Me: Oh, yeah, blog comments. Gotta get these up. Then maybe shop the app store...

Fang: You have an 'I am a Dalek' app?

Me: Heh...

Jackson5 said:

You mean that crazy 'annoying girl' in the comments is stalking Iggy? Like, for real?

ZombieFighterLikesYogurt said:

Heck, I coulda told ya that. That girl's comments? So creepy...

RawrSaysTheDinosaur said:

Takes 'love' to a whole new level.

ramenSoup said:

That's not love, that's just... Wrong.

I'maprettybirdy! said:

You guys just stay safe, ok? I don't want anything to happen to Iggy or anyone.

DestielisDesReal said:

Where are you guys heading to now then?

OoooWeeeOOOO! said:

Dude, they're not gonna tell you! The stalker could read that and find out!

HetaliaHeartsHomestuck said:

I'm sure the Flock'll be fine. They know how to cover their tracks.

Heretohug said:


You've been visited by Little Timmy!

He will steal all of your pop tarts unless you post this on five other blogs!

Protect your pop tarts!

RemusFreakingLupin said:

Oh, jeez, not one of those 'copy and paste or your grandma will get tapeworms or something' things.

TootieFruitie said:

Ugh I hate those.

Blog Owner said:

Oh, well I better go find some blogs to post that on. Don't know what Gazzy would do if Little Timmy stole his pop tarts.

UnicornsAreReal said:

Hi, Fang! Hope things are going well for you!

Blog Owner said:

They will be as soon as we're safe from this creepy girl.

Guesswhoseplaid said:

Yeah, I'm praying you guys stay safe.

Blog Owner said:

Well, thanks.

SuperWho said:

I feel like all of us followers should get together to protect you guys.

Blog Owner said:

Please, we don't need you guys getting in trouble and risking your necks over us. Thanks, but we got this.

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

Gosh, why are you guys so mean?!

I'maprettybirdy! said:

Oh, jeez, here she is...

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

You guys are jerks! I'm just trying to be kind to Iggy and help him! AND YOU GUYS ARE HATING ON ME! Even you, Fang. You care about Iggy. Why don't you want him to find love?

Blog Owner said:

I do care about Iggy. That's why I want you to stay away from him.

iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

You know what, Fang? Once I have Iggy safely with me, I'm gonna make sure you're taken care of. I'll make sure you can never harm my Iggy.

Blog Owner said:

Is this a threat? Seriously?

Jackson5 said:

Fang, dude, save this conversation. If you guys take this to the police, it'll be important.

Blog Owner said:


iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:

You guys are all jerks. Can't wait to get Iggy out of this environment.

BostonSandbags said:

Girl, you cray-cray.

Me: Fang, what are you doing?

Fang: I'm in a wizard's duel and- OH COME ON! I OWN THE ELDER WAND, I CAN'T LOSE!

Me: -eyeroll- Not in the app, Fang.

Fang: Can I try the Doctor Who trivia quiz?

Me: How about you give me back my phone?

Fang: NEVER!

Me: -sigh- Siri, activate phone theft protection, codeword: Fang.

Siri: -zaps Fang-

Fang: Ow! -drops phone on bed-

Me: -grabs phone- So glad I had River install that for me...

Fang: -.-


68. Chapter 68: Of Disney and Detergent


Fang: Call all the newspapers, call the president, call the BBC.

Me: BBC?

Fang: Figured they could make a Doctor Who episode out of this.

Me: Is it that odd?

Fang: Do you need to ask?

Me: Yeah, it's that odd. I don't need to hear about how I don't update enough, people, I know. I'm overwhelmed with work and homework and life. I write when I can, and, if I'm not feeling it, I can't write. I never stop writing, I just... Write slower...

And ok. Not every A/N needs to be me making excuses for my slow updates. My updates are slow. You all get this.

Though, I'm hoping I can speed things up with this story at least...

Fang: How so?

Me: This... New idea...

Fang's POV

"You're kidding me."

"Actually, Fang, believe it or not, I'm being completely serious. Though, feel free to continue to stare at me in disbelief. That's about the face I had when John told me."

"But, we're really going?!" Nudge asked excitedly. "We're actually, really going?!"

"You heard her, Nudge." Max told her. I couldn't tell from her tone how she felt about this... News. I was sure I'd hear about it later. "We're going to Disney World."

"But what about Iggy?" Gazzy asked, concern in his voice. He wouldn't want to run around Disney without his partner in crime. "He's still stuck in bed."

"He's been healing quickly." Dr. M responded. "He can probably move a lot more than he has been, we've just been keeping him in bed and still so he doesn't make any injuries he still has worse. By the time we get down there, he should at least be able to walk around with us. Around Disney World. We're going to Disney World. Dear Lord."

Dr. Martinez said it all. We're going to Disney World. Sure, the Flock had been once, for less than a day, then chased out when we saw Ari hanging around the place. I wasn't sure if we could really count that visit. But now, we were going again. A bunch of mutant bird-children, one of them injured with a stalker on his tail, were going to Disney World.

How does this even work?

At least Dr. M sounded as struck be disbelief as I felt.

"Why, exactly, are we going to Disney World?" I asked, my tone a bit more annoyed than I intended. "I mean... Disney World? Seriously?"

"I'm with Fang." Max chimed in. I tried to contain that little spark of excitement that flared up hearing Max say she was 'with Fang'. "As much as I'd love to take the kids to visit the Land of Mouse, how is this going to help Iggy? Or... Anything, for that matter?"

"Well, it'll help Iggy in that we doubt his stalker will be able to follow him to Disney World." Dr. M pointed out. "It's a long ways from here, plus, people don't just walk into the place. We'll be together, around Iggy at all times. Second, John and some of the other CSM think you kids deserve this kind of trip and figure now is as good of a time as any. Third, when we're done with Disney, the CSM will have another safe house set up for us, far away from either of these locations, which will hopefully completely throw this stalker off Iggy's trail. All in all, do I think this is the best plan right now? Not really. But the CSM is insisting on throwing this trip at us with the excuse of 'who turns down a free trip to Disney World'? And honestly, they have a point. No one does. So, for lack of a better plan, we're going."

Max sighed, leaning back against my arm that I had draped across the couch in hopes that she'd do just that. "Well, when you put it like that..."

"WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!" Angel screamed, jumping up and down on the chair she'd been sitting in.

"WOO-HOO!" Gazzy chimed in. "I GOTTA TELL IGGY!" I raced off, down the hall towards Iggy's room, whooping and hollaring all the way."

"WAIT FOR ME!" Ella called, following after him.

"I'm gonna start packing now!" Nudge exclaimed, racing off to her room. Angel followed behind her excitedly.

"I suppose Akila, Magnolia, and I will be staying home?" Total asked.

"John's team actually was thinking of taking Akila with them to help with setting up our new safe house, and offered to take you and Magnolia as well, if you're interested." Dr. Martinez said.

Total's ears perked up a bit. "Might not be a bad idea... Let me run it by the girls..." He trotted off, probably already planning a few romantic nights with his lady friend.

"And then, only the sane ones were left." I muttered.

Dr. Martinez sighed, dropping down in the chair recently vacated by Angel. "I'm not really sure why I'm even suggesting going through with this other than it's hard to say no to John when he gets that... Face."

"I know what you mean..." Max said, smiling over at her mom in a knowing way that had me slightly suspicious.

"So, am I seriously going to have to spend a week bunking with Mickey Mouse?" I asked.

"Well, I doubt you'll have to sleep with the guy, Fang." Dr. Martinez commented. "I don't think they provide that as a service... But yes, we'll be staying there a week."

Max, of course, was cracking up. Oh, yeah, your mom's sooo witty... "Sounds like a blast..." I muttered, just dreading this trip more and more as I thought about it.

"What's wrong, Fang?" Max asked. "I mean, I'm no big fan of this, either, but the kids are excited. It's not gonna kill us."

"Hopefully." I pointed out. "You know, the most innocent things have tried to kill us."

"True..." Max said. We had pretty much been attacked by everything.

"We'll have people there, watching." Dr. Martinez said. "You will all be protected. I can't promise that it's the safest place in the world for you and the Flock, but I can promise that the CSM will be doing everything they can to make it as safe as possible. From what I understand, they've been pulling some major strings at Disney."

"We better not have to be in a parade or something." I commented. "I am not holding Mickey's hand."

Dr. Martinez raised an eyebrow. "Fang, you seem to have the strangest fixation on having some sort of intimate relationship with Mickey Mouse."

I glared across the room at her. "You're hilarious, Dr. M. Truly hilarious..." I stood up, giving Max a quick kiss as I before straightening up. "I'm going to be in my room, trying to find clothes to pack that are somehow both cool (in both temperature and style) and that somehow still hide my wings. Then I'm going to Google a map of Disney so that I can find the best places to avoid anyone dressed up as a giant animated character, included, but not limited to Mickey Mouse. Have a good evening, see you at dinner."

As I was leaving the room, I heard Dr. Martinez's voice whisper across to Max, "High-maintanence, isn't he?"

"You know, I'm beginning to question Fang's gender identity..."

"Well, you know I don't judge-"

"WILL YOU TWO CUT IT OUT?!" I yelled back. Laughter was the only response they could manage.

And then there was only one sane member of the household left...

This is not a position any self-respecting guy should be in.

I was standing in the middle of my room, staring at my bed, which had every piece of clothing I owned on it, trying to figure out what to pack. Once upon a time, I only owned enough clothes as could fit in a backpack, but Dr. M had taken to stocking up on clothes for all of us, that were kept at her house for when we were here. Dr. Martinez had been pretty good at catching on to my desire for mostly black clothes and things big enough to hide my wings. Downside? They would all be miserable to wear in the Florida heat.

Why did we have to go to Disney World, anyway? Huge commercialized park full of strange people and claustrophobic rides that could malfunction at any moment? How did that scream "The Flock belongs here"? How did people even find that fun? Sounded like a deathtrap to me.

Typical. Point us towards a dangerous area that could possibly work as a trap? We walk right in.

But, trap or not, we were going. And I needed to have clothes to wear while I was stuck- I mean vacationing there.

I'd sorted through everything about five times, and had only found one shirt that might be usable. Everything else would be miserable. Did I seriously not own any shorts? What was wrong with me?

Oh, yeah, I didn't usually hang out in freaking Florida.

I threw down the pair of dark pants I'd been holding, completely giving up. There was no such thing as good warm-weather black clothes that would manage to still hide my wings. Like I wasn't going to be miserable enough at Disney, now I was going to roast down there in the sun, too. And there was no way I was going shopping for a whole new bunch of clothes just for this stupid trip. I owned more clothes than I wanted as it was.

"I bet Nudge has a wardrobe set aside, just for such an occasion." I muttered, picking up a crumpled shirt and attempting to fold it. "As does Ella. I bet Ella's picking out Iggy's clothes right-"

I dropped the shirt. That was it.

I raced out of my room, heading, once again, into the eye of the storm itself.

Iggy's room.

"You want to... What?" Iggy asked. He was sitting up in bed, Dr. Martinez finally trusting him to move around a bit more. I guess she was right about him being better by the time we went on this ridiculous vacation. He was definitely looking better, all his bruises gone, some of his fractures healed. Guess that would teach him to play chicken with helicopters.

"I want to, you know, borrow some of your clothes." I told him. "I'm gonna roast in Florida wearing my clothes. Yours are more..." I trailed off, trying to think of the right word.

"Brightly colored?" Iggy suggested helpfully. "Cheery? They'll fit right in with all the joy and magic surrounding us?"

"They'll be cooler." I said, making sure to sound just as unimpressed with his comments as I felt. "As in temperature."

"I feel like we should call up Disney and make an announcement." Iggy stated.

I rolled my eyes, knowing I would regret asking, but not being able to stop myself. "Why?"

"They're getting the world preimere of Fang: In Color." Iggy stated. "Technicolor finally got to you, huh? What next? 3D? Smell-O-Vision?"

I glared at him. Not that it did any good. "Seriously. I just don't want to roast to death waiting in line for some stinking teacup ride or something."

"You on the spinning Teacups." Iggy mused. "I wish I could see that... Wearing my clothes, no less..."

"Ig, come on..." I said. I'd about had it with his jokes.

"Alright, well, go through my stuff. Whatever. Just make sure to leave me with clothes to wear, alright? And no junk." Iggy added. "I won't go around Disney with Ella dressed like a hobo just so you can be cool."

"You're implying you have hobo clothes?" I asked him, turning around and opening his closet door. He didn't answer, probably trying to come up with a good sarcastic comeback. Iggy's closet was a disaster area. It looked like he had just shoved everything in here with a broom or something. Maybe he had.

I started to search through, pulling out clothes that seemed at least close to my usual style. Iggy had made a point in all his jokes. I'd look weird suddenly dressing in every color of the rainbow. Iggy did own a bunch of something that I didn't, though; shorts. I pulled out a couple pairs of jean shorts, then was lucky enough to come across one pair in black. They all looked like they'd fit me alright. I knew Iggy's stuff would be a bit bigger, but not terribly so. I could pull it off.

Another good thing about dressing in Iggy's clothes, I realized, was that it might make me a little less recognizable, since secrecy was such a big part of this trip. I wouldn't look like myself. Heck, I'd look like Ig. Hope I didn't attract his stalker...

That thought made me stop short. His stalker. How many times had that girl been through this messy closet? I stared at the mess in front of me, like some sort of clue about who she was might pop out of a pair of boxers or something. Suddenly, all of his stuff was starting to creep me out.

"All your stuff's been hanging out at the bottom of your closet..." I commented.

"Yeah, so?" Iggy replied. "Do you really think I care about a couple wrinkles in my shirt?"

"I'm just saying... This stuff should be washed." I said. Yeah. That would get rid of all the creepy stalker germs. Laundry detergent. "I'm getting a laundry basket."

"Um, Dr. M doesn't do laundry until the weekend..." Iggy reminded me unnecessarily.

"Yeah, well, that's when she does it. And she doesn't need to." I told him.

"You're going to do laundry?" Iggy asked.

"Yeah. I can handle that, Ig."

"Alright. Gotcha." Iggy replied. "Now, could you hand me a laptop and call Ella in for me?"


"I'm gonna have to shop for a new wardrobe."

"Shut the heck up."

Who knew there could be so much involved in doing laundry?

I had all of Iggy's laundry piled in a basket and I was standing in front of the washing machine in the basement, staring at the different buttons and dials, trying to figure the stupid thing out.

I mean, how hard could this be, right? You just put the laundry in with soap and stuff, then set the dials and pressed 'start'.

Except, there was no start button.

And the dials were confusing.

And there was so much different laundry stuff, I wasn't sure what to use.

I stared into the pile of Iggy's laundry for a bit. I knew certain things were supposed to be sorted and washed separately, but I had no idea where to start. And didn't some of this stuff shrink if you washed it the wrong way?

So I gave it some thought, then shrugged and just started shoving everything in.

Like, it probably should be fine. Not like Iggy can see what he's wearing, anyway. I mean, most of his stuff was all colors and similar fabric, it should be fine.

As for what to use, that was confusing, so I made that easier, too. I poured a bit from three different bottles into the washer, figuring the more soap there was, the more stalker germs I'd destroy. Then I threw in a couple of these little sheet things that kinda looked like tissue paper, since it looked like it was supposed to make everything smell better.

From there, I just played around with the dials, turning them, hoping something would make it go. Finally, one seemed like it was stuck, so I pulled on it and, bam, water started flowing.

I stepped back, admiring my work. Max had been making jokes that I wouldn't last a day in a domestic situation without someone there to feed me and clean up after me, but I had just proven her wrong. See? I could figure out this household crap.

"Fang? What are you doing?"

I turned toward the stairs to see Ella coming down, carrying what looked like an old broom. "Iggy's laundry."

She gave me a skeptical look. "Fang, how... Surprising. So you're going for the domestic end of the relationship, huh? Be good for Justin, having a stay-at-home dad."

I glared at her. "I figured I'd get all the stalker germs out of his clothes."

Her look of skepticism turned to shock. "Oh my God, you are actually doing his laundry."

"Well, yeah." I said. Did she not understand the words coming out of my mouth?

"Oh my God, what did you do, Fang?" She asked. "I bet all the colors are going to run, or everything will shrink... Dear God, you're going to blow up mom's washer."

I rolled my eyes. "Is it so hard to believe that I can actually figure out how to do something as simple as run a washer?"

"Fang, don't be ridiculous. You can't use a vegetable peeler without cutting yourself. Dude, you need a babysitter or something if you're going to keep getting into trouble like this." She walked over, pushing past me to stare at the washer. "What did you put in it?"

I stared at the washer to see soap suds forming at the little window in front. "Laundry soap. And some... Clothes tissue."

"Clothes tissue?" She asked, sounding confused.

I picked up the box and showed it to her. "These things. They make clothes smell good."

She groaned. "Fang, those are dryer sheets. You put them in the dryer, not the washer."

"Oh." I put the box back down, shrugging. "Well, can't do that much damage."

"But your soap can." Ella said, pointing to the washer.

I looked back at the washer, watching as more soap suds began to form. Actually, all I could see were soap suds.

"How much soap did you put in?" Ella asked, not able to take her eyes off the washer.

"Just poured in some from three different bottles." I replied, my eyes glued to the growing mass of suds as well.

"I'm... Gonna get mom..." Ella said, backing away from the machine, moving like any sudden movements might cause it to explode.

"You do that..." I said, watching as the suds grew and the washer began to shake slightly. Were the suds starting to... Leak out of the door?


"I swear to God, Fang."

"You, uh, shouldn't swear to him, Dr. M. I hear he's not a big fan of that."

"Don't you dare joke with me right now."

"...Yes ma'am."

I don't think I'd ever seen Dr. Martinez this pissed off. I've seen bad, sure. And I've seen Max pissed off, and that was downright scary, but Dr. Martinez brought anger to a whole new level.

Worst part was, I couldn't quite figure out if she was mad at me specifically, or just the world in general.

She sighed, putting a hand to her head as if to try to block a headache from reaching it. "The flu. The chickenpox. Eating rotten hard-boiled eggs. The washing machine."

"Don't forget when Ari tried to turn him into mincemeat." Max said. "You're weren't there, but that's how we ended up with Anne."

"And NyQuil!" Gazzy added. "Don't forget the NyQuil incident!"

"And don't forget about poor Justin!" Nudge added.

"Hey!" I shot back. "What about Iggy falling through an entire forest? And he gave me chickenpox! And it was his laundry! AND HE INVENTED JUSTIN, DAMN IT!"

"Don't blame all this on Iggy." Dr. Martinez said.

"Poor Justin..." Angel whispered, hugging Celeste.

"But... Iggy... " I groaned, falling back against the couch. "Fine. Whatever. I won't touch anything ever."

"Not a bad idea..." Ella muttered.

"Oh, Fang, stop being such a martyr." Dr. Martinez replied. "I'm just wondering what happened to your common sense!"

"I've been wondering that for years..." Max replied.

"Look, I just... Some things seem like a good idea at the time, you know?" I tried to explain.

"You need to learn to stop and think about the consequences of your actions." Dr. M lectured, crossing her arms.

"I do! Most of the time..." I answered. I did. It was a skill I'd used to survive, being able to look at a situation and think through every possible route I could take with it and every possible consequence to each. But sometimes, I didn't have the time to think, or didn't think I needed to. And sometimes... I just didn't want to. Is it so bad to just want to follow an impulse every now and then?

Obviously, it was.

Dr. Martinez sighed again, rolling her head to look up at the ceiling before looking back down at me where I sat on the couch. "Look, can you just... Just... Don't touch anything at Disney. Or on our way to Disney. Don't try to make food, don't try to do laundry, don't try to... Do anything domestic. If you don't know how it works, don't touch it. If you don't know how to do something, ask someone else to do it. Please, please, please don't blow up the Magic Kingdom. Please."

"God, you make me sound accident-prone-"

"Fang!" Max snapped. "Promise my mother you won't blow up the Magic Kingdom."

"Alright, I promise, whatever." I said, refusing to meet anyone's eye at this point. This was ridiculous, embarrassing. I make a couple stupid little mistakes and everyone thinks I'm gonna burn down Cinderella's Castle. Jerks.

"Fang, don't be like that."

"You're all jerks."

"Fang, we're just concerned..."

"I just wanted to get the stalker germs out."


"Oh, forget it."

"What were you doing Iggy's laundry for, anyway?" Ella asked.

"I... Needed some good Florida clothes..." I started to explain.

Dr. M rolled her eyes. "Fang, you'll be fine. I'll buy you shorts. It's not gonna be that hot, so you can wear the rest of your clothes. Oh my God. I'm going to take up drinking..."

"Not being a very good role model."

"I swear to God, Fang, don't even-"

"Yes ma'am,"


Me: I know, I know. Weirdness. Trust me, it wasn't actually my plan to seriously send them to Disney World. It wasn't. It just sort of... Happened. It was the only thing I felt like writing. And... I enjoyed writing it and I've got ideas for it that actually sound like awesomeness so maybe just maybe updates.

Fang: Sounds like the miracle plot.

Me: Don't say too much yet. Every time I try and make a comeback in fanfic writing, it falls through. Don't wanna get people's hopes to high up.

Fang: Well, let's at least give them this.

Me: Right.