The Flirt by mergirl007

Category:Maximum Ride
Genre:Parody, Romance
Characters:Fang, Max
Published:2009-03-21 01:38:44
Updated:2009-03-21 01:38:44
Packaged:2021-04-21 22:32:52
Summary:Because we all know that, with the exception of Max, the girls who like Fang work on street corners. Fang/Max. Rated T for slight nudity and some language. Oneshot.

The Flirt

A/N: This is a parody of the widespread fandom tendency to vilify every single girl Fang flirts with. The flock are in a generic McDonalds, and... well, you'll see. In memory of disneydork, thou lustfilled administrator of Home of the Hormones.

Gazzy led Iggy over to a booth against the far wall, and Nudge and Angel headed for the bathroom with a quick "See you in a few minutes" tossed over their shoulders. I settled back against the wall, arms folded, to wait for our order.

"So I, like, have never seen you in here before?" I looked to see who the cashier was talking to... and froze when I saw that it was Fang.

The blood began to rush in my head, and a red haze came down over my vision. Mine! I thought illogically and possessively, and I imagined ripping the cashier's head off and using it as a soccer ball while her blood gushed over my dirty sneakers. If Fang even smiled at that girl, I would... My fury receded and rapidly turned to overwhelming shock and heartbreak when I saw that Fang was giving her that infuriating half-smile I lov- Oh, not this again!

But I was distracted from my rapidly oscillating emotions when I heard Fang reply to her. "No," he told that pretty, stuck-up cashier. How could he even talk to her? She was, like, a lower lifeform! "My family stopped by since we've never gone to this McDonalds before." She showed off her twinkling, perfect, white teeth in a dazzling smile. I vaguely wished that I could shake off my crushing self-pity and knock all of her teeth out.

"So do you like what you see?" she said through her plastic grin. My life was over. Fang was smiling and talking with her. It couldn't be worse.

No, wait. It could be. Because he had just said "Yes."

"There's a club around the corner if you want to go after I get off my shift in ten minutes?" she said suggestively. Oh- oh God, she winked at him! The anger started coming back, and my arms and legs grew marginally warmer as blood began pumping through them. She couldn't even say something that wasn't a question! Why was Fang nodding?!

"Great," she smiled even wider. I would nickname her Crocodile Girl before I knocked her teeth out, I swore to myself. "I work there as a stripper, so I can get us both in for free."

Fang leaned in. "Really?"

She nodded proudly. "I owe my job to these babies." Then she pulled her shirt up to her collar and jiggled her chest, causing her- ahem- unrestrained breasts to bounce up and down faster than Gazzy on speed. Fang reached for them, and I thought I would die. Just die.

My expiration date didn't kick in then, unfortunately. But the cashier did take a step back so that Fang's eagerly reaching fingers didn't touch her... area. "Nuh-uh. You can look, but don't touch. If you bruise them, I'm out of a job." Then she pulled her shirt back down and straightened it. I could read her name tag now: Missy.

I decided I hated all Missys forever. And I also decided that it was past time for me to intervene.

"Excuse me," I spat at Missy before grabbing Fang by the arm and dragging him away from the counter. It took a few seconds for him to drag his eyes away from Missy, and, infuriated, I threw him into the side of the wall. "What is your problem?" I hissed. "You're acting like a complete pervert and- and- fraternizing with the enemy!"

Fang looked pissed off. "What the hell is your problem, Max? The enemy? She's just a girl that I was talking to! Don't get so frigging jealous all of the time!"

I gasped. "I am not jealous! I just hate her! She's probably radioing in our position right now to a squad of Flyboys!" Fang gave a short laugh.

"Right. She sure looks like she's an Itex operative."

I glanced back over my shoulder and saw that Missy was examining her nails at the empty counter. "That's just a front!" I sputtered. "Don't let her get to you!"

"Christ, Max, what is it with you!" He shouted. People started turning around, and I saw that Missy had stopped filing a fingernail to stare at us. "You kiss me, and then you act like you don't like me! You run for it every time I try to kiss you, but you blow up every time I talk to a girl! Make up your mind, because I'm tired of dealing with you." He ended with a furious whisper right in my face; I guess he'd noticed the stares too.

"I- I-" I honestly didn't know what to say. "I- I love you!" Oh God. Did I just say that? I turned beet-red and turned to run. But Fang's strong, manly arm swooped around me before I could take more than one step.

"Then, Max, why didn't you just say so?" he whispered into my ear. I was vividly aware of his body pressed against my back. "I love you, too." I twisted out of his grip and glared at him. Close range. The Max special.

"Then why were you practically drooling over Crocodile Girl's breasts up there?" He looked confused. "Missy!" I jerked my head at the counter.

Fang looked down, ashamed. "I just... you never showed me your breasts, and I was curious. I wanted to see what they looked like. I'm sorry."

"Oh, is that all?" I grinned, and then I tore off my shirt, unlatched my bra, and let him fondle mine. "They're... they're even better than Missy's!" he gasped. "They're the most perfect birdkid-breasts I've ever seen!"

I smiled. "I know," I said huskily. And then we kissed.

And throughout the whole world, peace and love shimmered around everyone, all coming from the perfect couple: Fang and Max.

In the background, the universe randomly dropped a piano on Missy.

I hope you enjoyed this satire. This is my way of telling the Maximum Ride fandom, "Hey, you might be whores, but not every girl who flirts with a guy is. Stop constantly bashing Brigid and Lissa, and stop putting a cashier/prostitute into your lame Fax stories just to drive Fang and Max together."

Thanks for reading this rant/fanfic. And I hope I did manage to surprise you with Max's random exposure. :D