Things you will never hear the Maximum Ride charac by honeyshoshana

Category:Maximum Ride
Genre:Humor, Parody
Published:2008-03-03 15:54:45
Updated:2008-12-04 20:13:05
Packaged:2021-04-22 03:14:45
Summary:Things you will never hear Maximum Ride Characters say. Pretty self explanatory. Fang: And she was like, no way, and then I was all like ohmigod totally and she was like... Max: Ah! I broke a nail! sobsobsob. Now with all new conversations!

Table of Contents

1. Chapter 1
2. bonus chapter!
3. Drat you reviewish people!
4. HELP!
5. Chapter 5

1. Chapter 1

Things you will never hear Maximum Ride characters say.

AN. Okay everyone, let me get this straight. This is a parody! Every one is ridiculously OOC! That is the whole point! Do not take offense! It is meant to make fun of Maximum Ride characters! Now that we've got that straight,

Disclaimer: Do I look like JP? ...Don't answer that.

Claimer: I own a couple of really cool CDs, a excellent sense of humour and a pet rock named Bob. -Grins and holds up Bob.-

The Gasman: Excuse me.

Angel: Blood! Muahahahahahacoughhahah!


Iggy: Eww, girls have cooties! Yucky!

Max: I can't do it! I can't do it! (Sobbing)

Iggy: Yikes! An explosion! Mommy!


Fang: …And than she was like "no wai" and I was all like ohmigod totally, and she was like LOL, and I was like…

Max: Then I fricasseed the courgette in a soy mélange and sautéed it with a bit of truffle oil and voila!

Gazzy: Gee, blowing things up is getting old. Maybe I should build things instead of destroying them!

Iggy: Waaa! I hate being blind! I'm going to throw a screaming tantrum now!

Angel: Goo gah! Goo gah! Waaaah!

Fang: When you said that, it really hurt my feelings. You made me feel like I wasn't worth anything. I think you should be careful when you say things like that.

Ari: Come here Fang, I want to give you a big hug.

Jeb: Gee, maybe these experiments are inhumane! Maybe I should stop!


Max: I can't do that. Can you big strong men help me? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Angel: Do you think we are all giant noodles from planet Zarcomfle?

Iggy: I think we are giant noodles!

Max: ladi la li la. You think that's an Eraser? Nah, it's just a really hairy person!

Gazzy: EMC2, the capital of Nepal is Katmandu, and Mississippi is spelled M.I.S.S.I.S.S.I.P.P.I.

Nudge: I really talk a lot, don't I?

Max: Ah! I broke a nail! (sobsobsob)

Fang: I love you Max.

Max: I love you Fang.

AN. I love Fax, actually. There is no chance that they will randomly blurt that out, though. Except if they're on Valium...

Review for Max's virtual cookies!

2. bonus chapter!

AN. Here you go, folks. I actually wasn't intending to write more then that, but, popular demand kept me writing! Thanks to my awesome reviewers! You know who you are. By the way, check out my profile. It's really cool! REMEMBER, THIS IS A PARODY!

Dedication: To my baby sister whose 10th birthday is today! I love you Ari!


Max: So, do you think the pink would, like, go with the blue? Or maybe the green? I like, dunno.


Nudge: So if we were placed on this earth, why? What purpose do we have? Come to think about it, is there a god? Or many? Or do humans make their own destiny?


Fang: This is the song that never ends; it goes around and round my friends! Wheee! Sugar! Ooh, looky! A bunny! Squee!


Iggy: I can see! I can see!


Gazzy: Max, can I have some more beans please?

Max: Of course you can, Gazzy. Have all the beans you want!


Iggy: Men should live without women, for they are damaging to the synaptic connections.


Angel: I see dead people…


Whitecoats: Lets all go skip merrily with our happy non recombinant bunny friendies!


Total: Woof woof! Bark bark!


Nudge: Huh? (Shortest sentence I could think of)


Fang: Max, does my tutu match my high heels?

Max: I dunno, what do you think? –Simper simper- -giggle giggle-


Nudge: Max, Angel's been kidnapped!

Max: Again? Oh dahling, I simply cannot rescue her now, my nails are drying!


Lissa: I'm sorry Fang, it just isn't working out! The spark is gone!


Iggy: I love you Fang!

Fang: I love you Iggy!

Iggy: Let's get married!

Fang: Okay!


Dr. Martinez: Oh Max, dahling, surely you don't want to eat all of those! Those cookies are filled with fat! Your poor girlish figure!


Max: I'm bloody sick of all your #$& whining! Why don't you &()) brats shut the & #0 up!


Iggy: Gazzy, do you think our bombs may have hurt people?

Gazzy: Nah, who cares? They aren't as cool as us.


Max: I hate you Angel!

Angel: I hate you Max!

Max: Let's get married!

Angel: Okay!


AN. I have nothing against gay people, I just don't think Figgy or Mangel is realistic. Fax all the way, people!

3. Drat you reviewish people!

Sunny here! Drat you review-ish people who wanted more! You know, I actually wasn't planning to do another chapter, but SparxFlame, who incidentally is awesome, wanted more. So I said you want more, make more and I'll post them! So they did. While I was reading them, I thought of some too, and changed some of SparxFlame's. So what you see before you is the combined efforts of SunshinerosesandDEATH and SparxFlame! Enjoy the insanity!

Disclaimer: Do we look like James Patterson? Don't answer that...

Iggy: The light! It's blinding me!

Fang: Hooray for global warming! Lets all pollute the planet with our giant Hummers!

Max: I'm bored and I'm going to whine and complain. Fang, I'm booorreedddd. Can I have a cookie…?

Angel: Penny for your thoughts.

Nudge: I've lost my voice!

Max: Waah! I'm going to have a temper tantrum!

Ari: Let's all skip daintily through the daisies and be the best of friendies!

The Voice: Max, you must kiss Iggy. It is your destiny!

Fang: Max, does my butt look big in this?

Whitecoats: We're so evil! We feel really, truly sorry for all the lives we've ruined, and for all the horrible stuff we've done! We are now going to live on Mars, as self punishment!

Mrs. Martinez: Die, Flock! -Pulls out machine gun

Max: Let's all have a slumber party! We can invite all the popular people in the school, and have pillow fights and manicures! OMG!

Gazzy: Eww, this stinks!

Angel: I feel so, so, powerless!

Iggy: Lets all have evil, inhumane experiments done on us!

Jeb: I do not have a split personality disorder!

Angel: Have a chocolate chip cookie of doom! Muahahahahahaacoughchokedie!

Fang: Ho ho ho merry… oh my god, Erasers!! Ha ha, tricked you! No, really…Erasers! Ha ha, fooled you again! HELP, Erasers!! HELP! Guys, why is no one helping me? Eep! Erk! -Dies slowly-

Max: And Iiiiii will always luuurve yooouuuuu…warbles

Nudge: Silence! It's so loud I can't hear Angel thinking!

Celeste: So what did the teddy bear say to the teapot? Nothing silly, teddy bears can't talk! Oh. Oops!

Gazzy: I've been adopted!

OPIOPP IUOYiuiiu 5t30g098pi\O;I;Yoip ; LIOAVEO; ILKJ /. Translation: Nothing I say makes any sense!

Whitecoats: We finally have BRAINS! You know, the kind you think with, not the kind that just makes up evil and horrifically inhumane experiments! And definitely not the kind on sticks! Well, we have those too, but…

Iggy: Aww, don't those penguins look sweet!

Fang: I have decided to become an Eraser!

Angel: I made all the fish in the world commit suicide! Now the Eiffel Tower
is full of fish! Yay!

Jeb: I've been hired by a top modeling chain! I'm off to the catwalks of

Angel: Eww, animals are yucky. Don't let it get hair on my new outfit!

Fang: I'm a blueberry muffin! Shoot me with a walrus and hang me on your wall!

The Gasman: Oops! I farted! Sorry guys! Eeeww… I'm so embarrassed…

Goshen: I'm having a bit of self esteem issues because I make Frankenstein look like a big cuddly teddy bear!

Akila: You know, Total, I was uh, thinking and, I really... you know... LOVE YOU A LOT!

Total: Gosh, having wings must be such a drag…I'm so glad I don't-oops…

Iggy: I love my real parents and they love me and we are all soooo happy and this is sooo wonderful and it's all good and…

Voice: I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, life in plastic, it's fantastic…-sings-

Max: Pi is 3.14314159265!!

Fang: Ow ow ow, I hate getting hurt, owowowowowowowowoo!!

Nudge: Huhoo huhoo, I don't know nuffink! Yeehaa!

Ella: God, the Flock is so annoying, I just hate them. They take Mom's attention away from moi, and steal all the cookies!

Max: I'm really scared of public speaking; I can never think of anything to say!

Ari: Guess what guys, I'm alive again!

Uber-Director: I scare little kids because I look like a momma bubble and human insides loved each other very much!

Fang: I've decided to betray the Flock to go and live with Ari!

Max: I love you Voice!

Voice: I love you, Maximum!

Max: Lets get married!

Voice: Okay!

If you review, we will love you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever... -splat-

4. HELP!

Greetings fellow Mars-lings

Greetings fellow Mars-lings! I, Sunny, need your help! My dear friend horizontal stripes43 has oh so kindly created several more things that Maximum Ride characters would never say, and since there has been increased demand, I NEED YOUR HELP!! Please, if you would take pity on a poor authoress and send your creative ideas to me, I would be eternally grateful.

And now, for something completely different!

Since I know using chapters for author's notes is very bad indeed, I shall include a bonus, extra and completely bizarre mini story!

Once upon a time, there was a mouse.

This mouse's name was Bobbalina, and she was a very special mouse.

For this mouse had a grand destiny.

It was forewarned that Bobbalina would become a great warrior!

She was the Chosen One ™ and would defeat the Dark Lord, or He-Who-Probably-Shouldn't-Be-Named-For-Fear-Of-Heart-Disease!

Because, as everyone knows, saying the name of He-Who- Probably-Shouldn't-Be-Named-For-Fear-Of-Heart-Disease might give you heart disease.

There wasn't enough fiber in his name.

That's a very concerning cause in America and one of my good friends has written a wonderful paper on that subject…but I digress.

Back to Bobbalina.



She was the sweetest and tiniest and shyest mouse in America.

No one thought that she could save the world.

But she astounded everyone.

She did something no one would ever have thought she could do.


She touched her nose with her tongue.


No, that's not right.

She saved Mars.

That's right.

She didn't save the world. (Earth)

She saved Mars.

All the Marslings were very happy, of course, and elected her a national hero.

They also canonized her.

She became Saint Bobbalina, patron saint of confused people.

And her name had lots of fiber and was very crunchy and lovely.

And she grew up to be a magical witch.

And Ursula the Sea Witch from Ariel turned her into a human.

And she changed her name to Lily Evans.

And that's the true story of Lily Evans. (Bobbalina)


Review and send me lots of lovely ideas!!

5. Chapter 5

So, um, hi! -waves nervously- If you think I forgot you guys, you are really wrong, 'cause you know, um, well, I'M SORRY! I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THIS STORY UNTIL I GOT A REVIEW FOR IT! Than I thought, gee, I should really update! So I found my document, inserted all the awesome reader's ideas and voila!

People who wrote for this are: St Fang of Boredom, VampiressE12B, SmallButPowerful, Skye Maxwell, me, and horizontal stripes43. I LOVE YOU GUYS! YOU ROCK MY FUZZY SOCKS!

Angel: I love you Gazzy.

Gazzy: I love you, Angel!

Angel: Let's get married!

Gazzy: Okay!...Wait, not okay. That's incest!!

Fang: Blessed be the Cheesemakers!

Angel: (singing the Doom Song) Doom doom doom doom doom doom!

Fang: (singing)
I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty
And witty
And GAY!
And I pity
any girl who isn't me today.
Iggy: La la la la la la la la la! –sings backup-

Max: (jumps between Ari and Fang fighting) "Stop, guys!! Your fighting is tearing us apart! I'm having your children!"

Nudge: Oh my God, Fang, SHUT UP!!

Fang: But I was talking about that day I went to the mall and them I got these shoes, and some cheese, and Total was there with this absolutely gorgeous German Sheppard , and there was a spa, and I got a new bag, and oh my Carlisle...

~ St Fang of Boredom

Fang: IT'S A CHICKEN! SAVE ME MAX! -jumps into Max's arms-

Max: You know, marshmallows are WAY better then cookies.

Iggy: LET'S BLOW UP NEVADA! BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! -pulls out machine gun and fires it on innocent birds that fall down, burned to death- Wait, nobody saw that, right?

Police Officer: That's alright kid, its okay. TO JAIL WITH YOU!

Iggy: Meep!

Nudge:-birds fly by- Brothers, sisters! WAIT! Wait for me!

Fang: I'M THE EASTER BUNNY!-points at Max- and you're not so HA!

Max: Hm, ya know, I've decided I like authority, and want overprotective parents to watch me at every moment of the day and night.

Gazzy: Max, Will you marry me?


Max:-shoots Fang- DIE BASTARD!

Angel: Well, I'm off to live with the people of Atlantis. Will you miss me?

Flock: -stares blankly-

Total: Ew! I don't want steak, I want k-9 kibble!

Akila: I'M FLYING!!!! And nobody, in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever going to bring meeeee down!!! Oh, wait, wrong story… (Idea expanded on by Sunny)

Angel: I hate seagulls. -pulls out flamethrower - DIE SEAGULLS!!! -Kills seagulls-



Fang: I've decided to get rid of the blog.

Max: OMG! Did you see her manicure?! It had pink flowers! I want pink flowers on my toenails!

Nudge: I have joined a monastery and taken a vow of silence. No, really! I sooo totally could do that! I mean, how hard could it be? Oh. Oops. –zips lips-

Iggy: AH! I think I'm color blind! Again!

Angel: Can I paint my room black? And my nails? And cut myself? Pretty pleeeeeeease?

Gasman: Pass the Beano/GasX, I really don't want to be gazzy.


Max: Oh! An amusement park! Let's go! I wanna go! I lovelovelove crowds! I just feel so, like, safe in them!

Iggy: I wanna ride the Ferris wheel... nice and slow and safe... ahh…

Fang: OMG! Like, is there a tunnel of love? Heehee that would be so SCANDALOUS!

Angel: I don't want to go to a darned amusement park, you mortal fools.

Max: Here's fifty bucks, Gazzy. Go eat a bunch of chili dogs and then ride the roller coaster a few times.

Nudge: But Maaax, I don't wanna go to the amusement park!

Gazzy: I believe amusement parks are just the puppets of corporate America, and I will not participate in their shenanigans, nor will I condone such behavior.

Max: Fangykins, will you please win me that huge, pink, stuffed bunny with the ribbon on it? *bats eyelashes*
Fang: Stop nagging me, woman!
Max: I love you, darling. With all my heart and soul.
Fang: I said, stop nagging me, woman! Now go to the kitchen and make me a dang sandwich!
Max: Yes, honey. I'll go find a kitchen and make you a sandwich. I know a woman's place is in the kitchen.

Iggy: Sure, I'll pay child support.

Angel: Would you guys be upset if I threw you all off the roller coaster? Because seriously, I would just love to see you all plummet to your deaths.
Gazzy: I concur. These dreadful morons just bring me down. Like corporate America.

Nudge: You know, I think your problem is that you talk too much.

Fang: blink blink

Iggy: *sings* Nobody's perfect! I gotta work it! Get it again till I get it right! (Hannah Montana)

Fang: I just have problems expressing myself... I- I can't help it.

Angel: Please, all of you. Just die already.

Max: Hey Fangy, I'll kiss you in the Tunnel Of Love™ if you kiss me at the same time!
Fang: Your lips sicken me.

~Skye Maxwell


Angel: -drops Celeste to her doom- BWAHAHAHAHAHA! –soars off and joins the Volturi-

Gazzy: Does my butt look funny in this?

Jeb: I think a nice little mug of tea would be so nice for you right now, my poor wittle mutant friendies, would you like a cookie? Aw, don't worry, I'll take care of you… Goochiegoochiegoo! Aw…

Gazzy: Do I smell funny?

Flock: No, Gasman, you smell as fresh as the summer breeze whooshing over clotheslines... -no sarcasm-

~Yours truly… -simper-


Iggy: Max, why would anyone in this cruel world let you carry that big, heavy
box all by yourself? Let me help, because women are the most delicate things
in this world.

Fang: Check out that babe!! She is smokin'!
Iggy: What a sexist pig! Respect women, Fang!

Angel: Max, do you have a knife I can borrow to cut myself?
Max: Sure sweetie. It's in Fang's backpack.

Max: I think I'll be a nun when I grow up.


Gazzy: Bombs are bad. They hurt people.
Iggy: You're right. Let's stick to water balloons instead.
Gazzy: They hurt people too.

Max: My Voice is right. Almost righter than Fang.

Total: Let's get married, Fang!
Fang: Okay! (kiss kiss smooch smooch)

Fang: I got a cut! Max, will you kiss it and make it feel better?

~horizontal stripes43


SO YEAH! Please people, if you want another chapter, write it yourself!!!! I'll just post the things... gah you greedy people... but I love you.... LOTS!!!!!!!!! (that's what she said)

Review for the hot fictional character of your choice!