Max Ride: The Parody by Happi Zebra

Category:Maximum Ride
Published:2008-11-12 19:55:28
Updated:2008-11-26 08:34:13
Packaged:2021-05-07 02:34:20
Summary:Yes, it's a parody. It's not IC. Warning for -deep breath- alcoholism, swearing, adult themes, sexual references, discrimination, mocking undertones, Santa Clause, sexism, half this stuff doesn't need warnings. Meh it's not really that bad.

Table of Contents

1. Chapter 1
2. Chapter 2
3. Chapter 3
4. Chapter 4
5. Chapter 5

1. Chapter 1

Max Ride: The Parody

Max hurried to the edge of the sofa to vomit messily onto the sticky carpet. She sat up and screamed, "Somebody drugged me! Help! Where's my Angel?"

"Max, you've been drunk for three days,"

"I DON'T NEED THIS CRAP FROM YOU, MISTER EMO," Max screamed. Fang rolled his eyes not bothered by Max's reaction. All the 'Save the World' bullshit had turned his childhood friend into an egomaniac with a stress disorder and an alcohol problem.

"Jeez, Max, when are you going to sober up and smell the roses, you aren't made for greatness," Fang explained reasonably for the billionth time.

"FUCK YOU!!! This is MY house, I bought it with my own money!" Max shouted, "I'll do what I DAMN well please!"

"Max, you sold us out," Fang said, annoyed, "You had us posing for photo shoots and acting for Red Bull ads to buy this house,"

"I don't need to take this shit," Max mumbled after coming up with no logical response. "Get the fuck out, Fang,"

Fang face-palmed, "Fine, I'm gone, I only stayed to help Iggy keep the kiddies sedated."


Fang was already gone, flying away and not looking back, he came to rest under a bridge. "Hey, guys," he called to the assortment of hobos gathered around. "Mind if I join you?"

"You got wings, ya, man? You hunt rabbit?"

"Um, I suppose I could…"

The hobo nodded, "Get him!" The hobos pounced on their leader's command and Fang went down under the mass of them kicking and screaming and making girlish squeals when they caught him in inappropriate places.

Fang emerged from the pile up, looking around him wildly, "I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND!!! HOW COULD YOU MAKE ME LIKE IGGY? NOW I WON'T BE A MAIN CHARACTER, YOU BASTARDS!!!!" he screamed.

"You're not blind, yah pussy-bitch," someone chuckled, "We just hooded you like a bird,"

"W-what!? This is insane! I'm NOT a bird and obviously as soon as you take the hood off I'm gonna be out of here!"

"You could take the hood off yourself, man," the hobo said, "But you wont 'cause this'll be a great story to tell and make you a bigger character than Max,"

"ZOMG really?"

"No, dumbass, you'll never be better than Max, go sleep on those boxes to your left, we don't need you right now,"

Fang went and lay down, only realizing then that he'd never mentioned Max to these hobos, how did they know? Were they working for Itex? WERE THEY WORKING FOR RED BULL??? He didn't have the answers, so he vowed to get some sleep and call JP in the morning.

Iggy giggled to himself over the limp forms of Nudge, Gazzy and Angel. He would get his sight back no matter what.


Iggy squealed, jumping a foot in the air and turned to not-see Max storming in, as sober as he'd not-seen her since she'd had her very first drink.

"Get the hell out!" she shrieked, beating him with a cushion, "Fang told me what you two were doing in here! OUT!!!"

Iggy stared blindly at her, "But you're an alcoholic, who will take care of the children," he said, creepily.


Iggy left, tears filling his blind eyes as his chances to get his sight back and touch Nudge inappropriately were foiled. "It's because my daddy didn't love me," he whispered, using the excuse everyone from Santa Clause to Bill Gates had used.

Max sobered up for good, taking care of her flock like she never had before. Life was seemingly perfect as they lived off their sell-out money. Until they got a knock on the door.

"Hello, ma'am, I'm from Animal Control, you're neighbours called about you,"

"ITEX IS BACK," Max screeched, slamming the door in their faces and fleeing to Gazzy. "Come on, Gaz, you're the man of the house now! Go fight!" Gazzy stared up at me with his big blue eyes. A horrible smell reached my nose and I realized how scared he was. Dear God, he was terrified. I choked and pulled him away, calling Nudge and Angel to me as we escaped through the window.

On second thoughts… Nudge slipped through the window and I slammed it shut, Angel smacking into the glass and collapsing. "Yes!" I shouted, punching the air and led the others to the safety of the powerlines.

2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"We need Fang," Max squealed, seeing the Animal Control guys squinting up at them, "Or Iggy, either way!" Nudge shuddered and I slapped her, "Don't you look so horrified! We need one of them and if I can't find Fang you'll damn well have to put up with Iggy!"

"I don't have to put up with anything!" Nudge retorted, pissed at always being treated like a kid, despite the fact that she was one – and an incessantly annoying one at that – but so was Max. "I am OUT OF HERE!" she added for dramatic effect and took flight.

Max watched her leave angrily, then looked sadly at Gazzy, "I have to stay strong for you… my flock… but everyone keeps leaving me," she sniffed. "First Fang, then Iggy. Then Angel…" she sobbed, "And now Nudge? Why must I be alone? Why???" she cried, while Gazzy patted her awkwardly.

"I dunno? You are pretty annoying, egotistical and have a bit of a God complex what with the whole 'zomg I wanna save the world' thing. I mean seriously? You? Save the world? That shit's funnier than my latest Weird Al CD." Gazzy said sympathetically.

Max nodded, "I suppose that's true… but you… you understand me… more than any of the others," Max trailed off, eying Gaz up and down, "Wanna get together?"


"Well, okay then!" Max said, clapping her hands together, "We definitely need Fang then!"

"We'll have to stop by the river, we need water," Gazzy said reasonably.

"Why!? We can't delay our quest to… SAVE THE WORLD!"

"How is this saving the world?" Gaz asked curiously. He was considering becoming a psychologist since Max went nuts… it was really interesting the way they thought.

"Those men back there were Itex guys!" Max exclaimed.

"How do you know? They looked like regular Animal Control people to me,"

"That's what they WANT us to think," Max hissed in his ear, "Trust… nobody…"

"Alrighty then!"

"YAY!!! So no water stop?" Max squealed excitedly.

"No, we still need water,"


"'Put up with this,' yes, yes I know, I've heard it a million times before, now come with me before you hurt yourself," Gazzy said, heading for the river.

They saw a dark object ahead of them and stopped mid-air, hovering rather than flapping their wings. They haz skillz dewd.

"OH MY GOD, GAZZY! THEY SENT FLYBOYS AFTER US!!!!" Max screamed, pushing the boy forward towards the lone figure.

Gazzy rolled his eyes, "Fang! Hey!"

Fang looked over towards them and squealed like a bitch, going into a steep nose-dive toward a bridge. Gaz rolled his eyes and followed at a more sedate rate with Max shrieking behind him as she followed him down.

They landed below the bridge and saw Fang, hooded and being beaten with bottles by a number of hobos.

"Hey! Stop that!" Max screeched, cracking her elbows menacingly, "What the hell do you think you're doing to that poor mechanical Eraser!?" she shouted, pushing Gazzy towards the bottle-wielding hobos in front of her.

Fang took the hood of in exasperation, throwing it down at his feet. The hobos backed off and Max stared.

"Fang!" she screamed, promptly peeing herself in her excitement, "We found you! Rescued you from these spawns of Itex's corruption!"

Gazzy rolled his eyes and sighed.

"They tried to take us back to school, my love!" she added, "Itex! I didn't know they worked part time as truancy officers," she added thoughtfully, before her expression cleared to blind faith, "But they must!"

"Oh for god's fucking sake," Gazzy muttered.

"Max! Do you have a cell phone?" he squealed and she nodded, throwing one at him. He flipped the phone open and hit speed dial.

"JP! We have a problem! We think Itex is after us again and there are these hobos who knew who Max is! What the hell is going on?!?"

"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!! I don't know what the fuck is happening in your stupid, PATHETIC lives! Now... leave me… alone!" he shouted into the phone, breaking down into sobs towards the end. "I just want it to end," he whispered and hung up.

Fang stared at Max, "He's been compromised, he gave me the signal… we're on our own… again,"

"Dun dun dun," Gazzy muttered, turning to walk away for some much needed alone time away from the fucking idiots of the family.

3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Gazzy stopped beneath a nearby tree, watching his 'family' reunite under the careful watch of the bottle-wielding hobos. "Hey, Gaz," a voice above him said, and he looked up to see Nudge. "Have they had their moment yet?"

Gazzy shook his head and pointed, "Of course not, Max is still there; can't you see?"

Nudge squinted, "Oh, I see her, I thought that was a hobo," she said, then watched as Fang moved in for a kiss. "And there she goes," she commented, watching Max streak skyward – forgetting, of course that they were under a bridge.

Gazzy heard the sickening crunch and flinched, but Nudge just giggled. Max had already dusted herself off and was attempting escape again. Nudge broke into an odd sort of commentary, "And she's off, no! Fang has her by the shoulders, he's trying for it again, does he score? No! He doesn't! Fang takes a foot to the groin and he's down! Max is off again and splat! Straight into the underside of the bridge, yet again! What do you think, Gaz? Will she escape cleanly?" Nudge prompted holding her hand out like a microphone.

"Uh, clean is a relative term," he said, "She did wet herself before,"

"A very good point, young Gasman,"

"Goddammit, will you stop calling me that? Max only named me that because it made her giggle," Gazzy said, "It's rather hurtful,"

Nudge stared at him with her bid brown eyes and giggled hysterically. Gazzy rolled his eyes, finding it inherently unjust that when he made a joke about bodily functions they totally shut him down, but they'd given him this stupid name, which they insisted on giggling at every time they said it.

It just wasn't fair.

"Stop whining so much, just because I'm a mind reader doesn't mean I should have to put up with you're shit," Nudge said harshly.

Gazzy blinked, "Angel is the mind reader, not you, stop getting your powers mixed up,"

"YEAH? Well, maybe I don't WANT my powers anymore, did you ever think of that, Mr. Gasman?" Nudge shouted, promptly bursting into tears. "Have… you got any idea… what it's like to have the power to see who last touched an object?" she sobbed.

Gazzy stared, wide-eyed, at the sobbing wreck, "Wow, I didn't realize it was so bad,"

Nudge gained a little more control over her sniffles to gasp out, "Max; do you know where she's been?"

Gazzy looked at her confused for a moment before screwing up his face in horror, "Please, don't tell me, please," he begged, "Aren't I fucked up enough as it is?"

Nudge swallowed her last sobs, "Not even close, Gasman," she gulped, and broke off into a list of male and female names that had Gazzy dry retching beside her. "And do you know why she won't let Fang kiss her?" Nudge finally asked.

Gazzy shook his head fiercely, whispering, "I don't wanna know," over and over and breaking into, "Please, please, don't tell me," when that seemed to have no effect.

"Herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, hepatitis, if it's an STD you can imagine, it's an STD that Max's picked up from someone. Has she never heard of protection?!"

Gazzy sank to his knees, "Please, just stop, you've broken me, why didn't you tell us you were working for the bad guys?"

Nudge looked at him in surprise, "It didn't cross my mind to mention it, but what's it matter? You're defeated, Max is probably going to die from one or all of those things she picked up, Fang is under the power of the hobos…"

"What about Iggy? My sister, Angel?"

"Like I need to worry about tracking down Iggy, he'll come to me," Nudge said, looking worriedly at the sky, "And Angel was captured at the house,"

"Who are you working for? Why did you do this, Nudge?"

Jeb stepped out from behind the tree ominously, "She did this for me – her father," he said dramatically. He coughed, "And CEO of Red Bull, you guys skipped out on the rest of your contract, and I've been working ever since to get you back,"

"Why, Nudge?" Gazzy whispered weakly, taking her hand and giving her his best innocent stare.

Nudge shook her head, "You wouldn't understand, Gaz," she said, taking out a can of Red Bull, "Not only does it 'give you wings,' it gives me a new power," she took a long drink, "the power… to talk at super speed," she said quickly as the caffeine hit her blood stream. She laughed, sounding like a back up to Hampton the Hamster and Alvin and the Chipmunks combined into one. Gazzy covered his ears as he felt his brain bleeding.

Smack! The sound came to an abrupt stop as Max smashed into Nudge and into the tree beyond her. Nudge screaming in agony as her power showed her the latest myriad of touches Max had 'endured'.

4. Chapter 4

A/N: Editted to anonymouse's specifics - what I could remember anyway. =] Lemme know if you find anything else, I'll only edit the latest chapters that I post though because I remove the previous chapter's document each time I update.

Chapter 4

Max, Fang, Gazzy and Angel woke in dog crates at the research and development sector of Red Bull. Nudge woke in an aviary in Jeb's office.

"You can't do this to me! Black people have rights too!" she screamed, throwing herself at the bars.

"Shush, birdy, it's 'African-Americans' and of course they have rights; they're no different than us, aside from a tweak of evolution that made them better equipped to deal with the level of UV rays located closer to the equator," Jeb explained earnestly.

"Then let me out!" she shouted, enunciating each word clearly.

"Psh, you aren't 'no different from us,' Nudge, dear. You're an experiment and don't have any legal rights as a human being. You don't even exist in the eyes of the law. So sing, birdy, sing!" he squealed and clapped his hands, pressing a big red button when she failed to respond. The electric shock had her curly hair on end and Nudge broke out into glorious sweet bird song.

The White-But-Sauce-Stained-Coat stared into my tiny dog crate with evil intent in his eyes or her eyes. "Hahahahahaa, u guys r liek phlying phailures lolololol," it squealed at them and the assumption was made that this hideous no-life lab tech was female. Probably someone from the 'net,' Max thought viciously, people who were on the internet were always hideous androgynous creatures.

Her informed suspicions were confirmed as the creature said 'teehee' before leaving the room muttering excitedly about posting this on their LiveJournal. That sick freak.

"Max…" Angel whispered from the crate beside me.

"Angel, don't talk to her! She shut the window on you, for God's sake!" Gazzy shouted desperately.

"But she's like a mother to me!" Angel protested, "One of the stereotypical teen mothers who drink too much and end up abusing their kids' or letting someone else, ahem-Iggy-hem, abuse them!"

Gaz stared at her, "Angel, I'm your brother… your real brother. Who are you going to trust?" Damn that little poopypants.

"Well, you, of course, I am a mind reader. Max is already thinking about the bottle of vodka she stashed back home," Angel said, rolling her eyes, "Don't worry, bro, I'll get us out of here,"

Angel closed her eyes and concentrated. After a long moment there was a resounding crack as Max flew at super speed head first into the door of her crate. Angel maneuvered Max into opening their enclosures and stretched, using her mind to put Max back into her crate and wedge the door shut on herself.

"D'you want Fang?" Angel asked Gaz. He shook his head vehemently and Angel smiled moving towards the door.

"Wait!" Gazzy stopped staring at the desk covered in files, "We could find our parents if there's any info here on them!"

"Yeah, we could… but it'll take time to search and someone's coming,"

"Okay then, we're test tube babies; let's go!"

Angel opened the door and jumped into the air, Gazzy following close behind as a man rounded the corner, head bowed over a trolley full of sciencey crap. The siblings flew through the halls, Angel gathering knowledge about the exit from lab techs and glowing signs alike.

Meanwhile, back in the room they had just escaped from, Max, free from Angel's mind powers, had broken out of her crate once again. She let Fang out and whispered her daring plan to sabotage some sort of technology that Fang was quite sure she'd just made up then and there.

Fang didn't much care though, her presence overwhelming in its closeness and they were in a room too… he went in for the kiss as usual… and was rejected by his love as usual.

"Why won't you kiss me, Max?" he finally thought to ask.

"I love you, Fangy, so much so that I don't want to give you an STD like I did to Iggy,"

Fang blinked, "Wait, what? You kissed Iggy? He's my best friend!"

Max coughed and shiftied, "More than kissed," she muttered, her eyes filling with tears at Fang's look of horror. "No, Fang! Wait, please, just let me explain!" she cried desperately, obviously hating herself for the totally rare show of weakness and emotion, but Fang wouldn't listen, he ran out the door without looking back. Probably crying his eyes out and not wanting her to see. "What about the technology I made up!?!" Max screamed after him, "WE MUST DESTROY IT!" but he was already gone.

5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A fog clouded Nudge's mind and through it came something pokey. "Ow," she finally muttered, as the pain broke through the mist. She opened her eyes to see Jeb and – God, what was that thing? Internet person? Ew – poking at her with a long stick.

"Look, Nudge, darling, I set up a drinking system for you," Jeb said, and Nudge turned towards the little contraption.

Nudge's eyes turned towards Jeb in horror, "Is that…?"

Jeb nodded gravely, "And behind you…" Nudge spun, her eyes widened and she let out a piercing scream of terror.

"Nononononononono, you can't do this, Jeb! You can't make me an anti-promotion!" she sobbed, turning her eyes away from the two kegs hooked up to her sippers. "I won't drink," she whispered, determinedly.

Jeb walked around her cage to one of the kegs, running his hand over it, "Come on, Nudge, darling, you know they taste the same, maybe even better," he coaxed, he caressed the Vault label with a strange little smile, "You know the slogan we're gonna use?" he continued on his path.


Jeb ignored the soft protest, "Don't get tied down with other energy drink…" he panned his hands like a camera, "Shot of you drinking from the Vault, you look wistfully towards the window," Jeb spun his hands before him as the frame, "You drink from the Monster… a tear falls; tragic,"

The internet person gave a snort and squealed in anticipation.

"Then cut to a shot of Max! She takes off past the window and we see her drinking Red Bull; we finish with the usual 'Red Bull gives you wings,' of course," he said the last with less enthusiasm and returned his attention to Nudge. "What do you think?"

Before Nudge could answer the door burst open and Max whirled into the room screaming. Why the hell was she naked? Nudge wondered idly, closing her eyes and picturing Iggy – maybe he wasn't that bad.

"Dear god, Max! I am your father! I don't want to know that you're even having sex, definitely not what the hell you picked up from it!" Jeb shouted, putting his hands in front his eyes to block out the more disfigured areas of Max's anatomy.

"Nudge! I'll save you!" Max shouted, ignoring Jeb and taking up her usual hands-on-hips-wings-spread pose; Nudge backed further into her cage, terrified of her disease-ridden 'sister'.

"No! I don't want to be saved! I don't wanna be saved!" she wailed desperately, her voice breaking into a shriek as Max charged towards the cage. The flimsy cage was bowled over and they clattered to the ground. Max's skin brushed Nudge's and screams rang out in the room.

Silence was regained as Iggy smashed through the window, doing what would have been an awesome roll and coming up on his knees – but for the fact that his face ended up squarely in Jeb's crotch. Iggy squealed and rolled away, wiping at his face insanely. He didn't need to be able to see to know what he'd just face-planted in.

"Nudge, my unrequited love! I have come to save you!" he cried, still kneeling.

"Better you than that sick contaminated creature!" she screamed, shoving the cage with Max on top of it off her. The metal, though, stuck to her fingers and her eyes widened. "A new power!"

"Nudge, we must escape!" Iggy exclaimed.

Nudge hesitated a moment, then with a decisive nod, swung the cage around and down, slamming it down on Max and all the touch-memories associated with her. She spun, smashing the cage into her captors shins, the internet person went down with a howl but Jeb stared stoically with sad eyes.

She shook off the metal after staring at Iggy for longer than she'd have thought necessary and went to him. Sometimes you just couldn't cut every tie. "C'mon, Ig, let's get outta here!"

Iggy's face brightened and he leapt to his feet. Nudge took his hand and led him to the window. "Alright, up and away!"

Iggy leapt up and forward, smashing through a different sheet of glass to the one he'd just broken, he howled in pain, "Nudge!" he shouted angrily as she giggled, jumping into the sky.

"Payback, pedo-bear!" she sung out and he followed as they flew to Freedom… Furniture™ where they were soon sprawled across over-priced sofas while the harried staff tried to politely shoo them out.