Trust by carino2

Trust

I feel a sense of déjà vu as I watch you fly away. You move so gracefully. You're a miracle, and it's amazing that you've made it through so much and managed to remain so strong. I like to take partial credit for that, but other actions taint my role in your becoming. I know I was also the cause of a lot of unnecessary trouble for you. I wasn't following orders. It wasn't a test. I have no excuse.

Being with was only a test for me, one on self-control. I failed miserably, but oh so happily as well. Even now, I'm crossing the line. Admiration of your character is one thing. Admiration of that character's housing is quite another. I can't help myself.

"I love you, sweetheart!" I yell as your wings beat hypnotically, carrying you farther away from me. Immediately, I realize what I've said and chastise myself. Mental chastisement is not as effective as physical, but what else can I do now? I'm surrounded, and I don't want to call any more attention to my blunder. Thankfully, it seems no one else has thought my words over. The director would fire me if they found me out.

You ignore my plea for attention, just as I'd suspected you would. The days when you could be easily won over are now long gone. I suppose you can thank me for that, as well. But I still can't say I'm sorry. Sure, I regret what happened to you. But I don't regret what I did. I'd do it again, if I had the chance. If I knew you wouldn't kill me for it.

The fact that I'm so willing to sacrifice you is what scares me the most.

I should be apologizing, I know, but I've found a way to argue myself out of even that. Besides, it's too damn hard. Every time I see you, I'm focusing on controlling myself. It takes a lot, and none of it seems to matter anymore. Half of the time you don't believe what I say, anyway. That's my fault, too.

I used to have your trust, but I broke it. Now I'm willing to do anything to get it back. I sell information to catch your ear. Always, I follow it with a You have to trust me, Max. But I know you never will again. Even hearing it twenty times a day for a year wouldn't make it a reality for you. You're still as smart as you always were.

You can see it, can't you? A pattern in my actions. A cycle starting over again. You think that once I regained your trust, I would only set myself up to have it broken again. You're right. There's something about you that destroys my ability to think logically. I try my hardest to save you from me, though. That was why I left in the first place.

I wanted to make things okay.