The Highly Offensive Crossover Parody by Ashily

Category:Maximum Ride
Genre:Humor, Parody
Published:2006-09-19 14:26:13
Updated:2007-08-31 00:55:42
Packaged:2021-05-07 02:26:25
Summary:A highly offensive crossover parody between MR and HP, including impossible parodies, Mary Sues, and probably some nonsense mpreg too.

Table of Contents

1. In Which Angel Gets Another Power
2. Fang the Sex God
3. Silly Mpreg, Fetuses are for Girls!

1. In Which Angel Gets Another Power

Title: The Highly Offensive Crossover Parody

Author: Mercy Me Its Ashley

Summary: A highly offensive crossover parody between MR and HP, including impossible parodies, Mary Sues, and probably some non-sense mpreg too.

Rating: M. This IS the 'Highly Offensive Crossover Parody' after all.

Pairing: Many.

Disclaimer: Maximum Ride and all characters involved belong to Mr. James Patterson, and Harry Potter and all characters involved belong to Ms. J.K. Rowling. As I am neither person, I take no ownership, nor am I making any financial gain from writing this.

The Highly Offensive Crossover Parody

Chapter I: In Which Angel Gets Another Power

"Damn." That was all Harry had to say after the Flock officially pwned, and yeah, they pwned, them for the fifth time that month. Because in everyone knows that internet slang is just way better than the English language.

Max smiled politely, which was code for 'Mmm-hmm, you know it, biotch!'

"So… um… next week?" Harry asked sheepishly, his eyes turned to the ground and his face turning red, after Neville did a face plant into the ground, but no one really cared, so they let him lie, and Harry went on staring at Max's chest, and Ron continued to have dirty fantasies about Draco Malfoy. Coincidently, Hermione was somehow managing to do both at the same time.

"MMPHAAAA!" Neville's mud filled mouth made a pathetic attempt to form the words 'I think I see a large, flying, furry things coming towards us.'

But, Neville being Neville, no one cared.

"Neville, shut up and get Trevor before you lose him again," Ginny rolled her eyes and pointed at the green toad hopping away. This was actually not Trevor, because last week Ron had accidentally squished Trevor, and replaced him with Trevor II. So, Trevor II was actually hopping away. Not like anyone actually cared, though. Because Neville is a very minor character, and he only tags a long for occasional comic relief.

"IFFFAANNOO!" This meant, 'No, really, listen to me.'

"Shut-" Ginny went in to pull the Trevor card again, but Iggy interrupted her.

"Guys, I think I hear Erasers," unfortunately, Iggy was equally ignored. Because, though he is one BAMF (for those not familiar, "bad ass mother fucker") of a character he is only used occasionally to listen to Max or Fang's problems on love, life, and all those cliché things like that. Usually these are accompanied by sound advice and understanding. Instead of Iggy's usual sarcasm. Because no one really cares. He's blind.

"UUUGAAAH!" No one was really sure what that meant, but their best guess was: 'What the fuck!'

"Erasers." Fang coughed, pointing up at the sky. But Max continued to ignore the three boys, she was the leader, and as the leader, she made the calls when Erasers were coming, and she hadn't seen-


Fang, being his very emotional self, suddenly began to cry. No real reason. Just the magic of the disease known as OOCness.

"We have company!" Max came in with a lame one-liner, as she shot into the air, ready to 'kick Eraser butt', as she always said.

But that wasn't really needed, because the second they came within 100 feet of Angel they exploded.

So did Trevor II, but no one really cared about that.

As they were being showered in bloody Eraser bits and frog guts, everyone turned to stare at Angel. No one spoke, because no one was really in the mood to be blown up at the time.

But, as we all know, Total has a big mouth, "HOLY F-"

Doggie parts everywhere.

Mmm-hmm. You know it, biotch.

2. Fang the Sex God

Chapter II: Fang the Sex God

For various reasons often referred to as "plot holes", the group of Wizards were not permitted to fly home that night, or apparate, or floo, or contact the magical world in any way. Instead, they accompanied the flock home to an expensive hotel that they were some how able to both afford and stay in without suspicion.

Of course, there were only two hotel rooms, and twelve people. This was not going to be easy.

Angel, Gazzy, Nudge, Ginny, Neville and Luna ended up in one room, because that doesn't sound dangerous at all, does it?

This left Ron, Harry, Hermione, Fang, Iggy and Max up for a love triangle/square/octagon.

At the moment, Ron and Harry were arguing about a game of chess, Hermione was reading, Iggy had momentarily disappeared into a giant plot hole and Max was making dopey eyes at Fang.

"Faaaaang," she touched his arm, "you're sooo strong!"

Fang nodded.

"Faaaaang," she curled up against him suddenly, "you're the only one who understands me!"

Fang made a rather disgusted face and mumbled something along the lines of, "sister" and "ew".

But Max ignored Fang's asexual attitude and suddenly kissed him full on the lips.

This was not a soft kiss. Not a tender kiss. It was the violent kind of kiss where people choke on other people's tongues.

Fang pulled away immediately and screamed loudly, but his scream was chorused by that of Iggy's, who'd suddenly reappeared from plot hole land to find the object of his affection kissing the bossy bitch of the group. Iggy ran away crying, and he ran into a wall. No one really realized this though, he was just comic relief.

Fang started to cry too, because he had been struggling with his sexuality as well as thought he just might like boys. That and he looked quite sexy and emo doing it.

Max was pouting in a corner by now, and only bothered to throw a tissue at him.

"You know..." the voice came from Hermione, "Fang, you and I aren't so different..."

"Oh yeah?" He looked up and nearly jumped a foot in the air when he realized that Hermione, with her buck teeth and afro hair was staring right at him.

"Yes," she said, crawling onto his lap, "I too am used only to support the main character and fuel a ridiculous canon pairing."

Fang tried to crawl out of her grasp and only just managed to move in time so that the bushy haired girl ended up kissing the back of the chair. But when he fell over the side of the chair, he didn't realize he'd fallen straight into Harry's lap.

He'd almost crushed Harry, who was rather small and starved from summer's at his Aunt and Uncle's house, where he was abused beyond belief but somehow managed to keep this a secret for years.

"But we're more alike," Harry groaned as he pulled himself out from under Fang, "We're both the sexy, emotional leading man. Everyone loves us."

Stomach queasy from the repeated attempts of the people around him to seduce him, Fang shook his head and ran into the hallway to try to find some relief from all the craziness within.

Who should he meet, but Ari.

Except, this time, it was little human Ari and not big, scary, murder machine Ari.

Little human Ari was actually crying.

Fang moved to return back to the room of craziness, where he was fully expecting a Fang orgy, but Ari spotted him too soon and threw himself around Fang's legs.

"I'm not evil!" Ari sobbed, "My dad is just a horrible father and I really don't want to kill anyone."

"Um..." Fang said gently, peeling himself away, "Maybe you should go talk to Harry, he knows about abusive parents."

Of course, now it was Ari's turn. Only, unlike the others before, he succeeded in locking his lips against Fang's. Fang even seemed to enjoy kissing Ari, before he realized he was kissing a seven year old.

Completely disgusted with himself, Fang shot into the room where the younger kids were sleeping, thinking he'd be safe there.

But no, at the doorway he was met with a suddenly, very developed Nudge, who thrusted her chest in his face and gave him a sexy little grin.

Fang whimpered and locked himself deep within the confines of the bathroom.

"I'm safe here, I'm safe here," Fang muttered to himself, hiding behind the shower curtain in fear of finding another hormone challenged, lovesick teenager/pre-teen/child waiting to pounce.

"You know... fudge is my favorite confectionary treat..."

Fang turned around to find Neville standing behind him, eyeing his belt buckle hungrily.

Fang screamed so loud that Max was forced out of her corner, Iggy reappeared from his plothole, Harry quit snogging Ron, Hermione took her nose out of her book, Nudge quit admiring herself in a mirror, Ari burst into the door looking for other Eraser friends and Neville fainted in distress. The group of hormone crazed kids suddenly knew where he was.

And so, the hunt began.

Oh my, this was fun to write.

Neville's little quote at the end dedicated to Dylan. :)

3. Silly Mpreg, Fetuses are for Girls!

I finally wrote another one, yay me.

Thanks to rosiebudbud, who gave me the idea for the Fang/Harry pairing.

And thanks to ANONOMOUS, who gave me a great idea for the next chapter.

Please feel free to leave your ideas, pairings and other crossovers, I'd love to put them in here.

Chapter III: Silly Mpreg, Fetuses are For Girls!

Well, during the time in which all of our leading characters were hunting Fang in the last chapter, England fell into a giant volcano (silly plate tectonics), and now, Harry and his band of misfits are… homeless. Hence, what else are they to do but stay with the Flock? Oh right, its their only option!

And so after being kicked out of their expensive hotel rooms for excessive noise, messiness and the inability to pay for all the room service they ordered, the Flock and our English Wizards came to live on top of a sky scraper.

Sure it was dangerous, but that's the fun part!

It started out as just a normal afternoon, and the group was lounging around, enjoying the breeze and what not, since it was really just that exciting.

But then, out of nowhere and without warning, there was a loud BANG!, and Harry and Fang appirated into the middle of the group, clad in tight jeans, black band tees, and of course, a ton of eyeliner.

At this time, please take a minute to admire the emo glow radiating off of these two leading characters. If you listen hard enough, you could hear Hawthorne Heights whining in the background, cutting their wrists and blacking their eyes so they could fall asleep tonight.

At this time, the moment has ended, please return to the story.

"We have an announcement!" Harry announced, flipping his emo bangs because it just looked so damn sexy when he did.


"He Who Must Not Be Named!"

"No, it's better than that." Fang said from behind his mask of black hair.

"You solved world hunger?"

"The war is over?"

"I'm finally getting out of this damn plot hole and getting respect I deserve as a substantial character?" Iggy might've had more to say, but Max just shoved him back in the plot hole.

"Even better!"

The group could no longer take the suspense, "WHAT?"

Fang and Harry shot each other giddy- yet still so emo and sexy- looks, smiling as wide as emos can, before both squealing, "We're pregnant!"

Note the dead silence that follows, and even the sound of crickets- Oh, no, that's just Hawthorne Heights again.

"What." Max's tone was less questioning, and more accusing, after all, she was suppose to end up with the hot leading character! How dare they go and break the pairing that had been implied from day one!

"H-how?" Ginny, with big, teary puppy dog eyes, peered up at them as her lower lip began to quiver.

"Well, Ginny, sometimes when two people love each other very much, they chase each other around with whips and chains, and then something very violent happens, and then there's a baby," Harry explained this all with a big grin, patting her on the head gently, "Now, run along and go play with your dolls."

Somewhere deep inside, Ginny's heart cracked in two.

"But that's not how it works," Hermione protested, "First, you must have sexual intercourse, then the sperm enters the woman's-"

"How would you know, huh? Are you pregnant?" Fang narrowed his eyes at her, his arms curling protectively around his stomach where the holy fetus laid.

"Wait, I thought I was pregnant," Harry looked down at the pregnancy test still clutched in his hand. He turned it upside down, then back again, he tried sideways, and then he still didn't get it. So he tossed it aside, his scar had been hurting earlier, so it must mean he was pregnant.

"No, I'm pregnant!"

"No, I'm pregnant!"

"No-" Harry, in anger over having all of the attention stolen from him, lunged at Fang, and Fang run away screaming at the top of his lungs, "DON'T HURT MY BABY!"

Meanwhile, everyone else sat in stunned silence. Iggy was reduced to a sobbing, gooey mess, same as Ginny, and they took turns passing the Kleenex box. Max was staring an angry hole into the ground, Ron was staring at Hermione's chest, and Nudge was opening and closing her mouth in shock. Neville, Luna, Gassy and Angel were in that goddamn plot hole again. Somebody should really get around to fixing that.

And when the emo couple came back several hours later, looking all hot and bothered after a lot of make up sex, everything was just as they left it. Iggy and Ginny were still sobbing, Max was staring, Ron had started to drool, Hermione was blissfully unaware and Nudge's jaw had almost fallen off.

Harry made some comment about the whole thing being kinda funny, and Fang began to cry. Hormones, you know.

"Why's Fang crying?" Angel asked when she returned from the plot hole, even though her psychic powers would've already told her.

"I dunno, sweetie," Max clenched her teeth in an angry fake smile, "It's probably just the mpreg."