Strange Things Happen When You're Bored by flYegurl

I felt like being random. And making fun of Fax. And exaggerating all the feelings and actions going on in the Maximum Ride series. I don't really know how long this is going to be, but stick along for a while. See if you like. I can pretty much guarantee you some laughs.

"Oh, Fang," Max breathed into his ear. "I love you soooo much."

Fang turned his olive-toned face towards her and gazed deep into her eyes.

"As I love you. I love you so much I would…"

"DITCH US ALL AND FLY AWAY TO BE ROMANTIC TOGETHER WHILE THE REST OF US ARE FIGHTING FOR OUR VERY LIVES?" Iggy suggested loudly from the living room. Fang pondered the statement for a moment.

"Yeah. That."

"Fang, you're so sweet," Max responded, lifting her hand to stroke his ebony hair. "And you have such hot emo hair. I just want to kiss you, Fang."

"Then do it, do it now."

They both promptly began to practically exchange stomach contents.

While the two of them were sucking face, Iggy and Gazzy were creating a bomb in the living room. The television was on, and Gazzy was watching the Discovery channel.

"Pass me the red wire, Gaz," Iggy said, holding out his hand.

"Wow, Iggy! That beetle shoots stink juice! I wonder if it smells worse than my farts."

"I don't know, Gaz. The red wire?"

"Oh, here. I bet I'm a lot smellier than that beetle. I wish I had one so I could find out."

"Yeah, sounds really cool. Yellow wire."

"Oh! Here comes a big one!" Gazzy paused and scrunched up his face, concentrating. Then an explosion sounded from the direction of his butt, and if anyone had been watching, they could have sworn he'd been lifted inches of the ground. "Wow! That was so awesome!"

"GOD, GAZZY! EW!" Iggy yelled, retching and clutching at his throat and nose. He stood and stumbled to the window, his hands scrabbling to open it. A green cloud was slowly filling the room.

"What's wrong, Iggy? That one probably wasn't even half as bad as that one last month…"

"Gazzy… open… window…" Iggy choked. Unfortunately, him being blind and all, and with his senses temporarily overloaded, he was having trouble unlocking it.

"Hmm… I don't think this bomb is ready yet. Have you attached the yellow wire?"

"Please… must… get… fresh… air…" Struggling, Iggy managed finally to find the latch and flip it. He then began to struggle to open the window.

"What are you trying to do, Ig? You look like you're having a seizure."

"Just… want…" the window finally opened, and Iggy collapsed, sticking his head out and sucking in great gulps of blessed oxygen. His eyes were red and watering fiercely.

"IGGY!" Nudge called. She was outside the window. "What are you doing? Are you crying? Oh my god, what happened? Did Max or Fang or Gazzy or Angel say something mean? I bet it was Max! Ooh, that Max… she can be so insensitive sometimes! It wasn't Max, was it? I don't think she would be so mean. Hmm, I can't even remember you crying recently, Iggy. The last time I can recall is when we were living with Anne, and we were trying to find your parents, but Fang's idea was all wrong, so the address was to some store or something, and then you got all upset. And then you punched a telephone pole and your knuckles started to bleed. And then you started crying. Hmm, I always wondered whether you were crying because you were sad, or angry, or upset. Maybe you were just crying because your knuckles hurt. But then again, we've been through tons worse, right? I mean, we were in the School! You've gone through experiments, and you've been tortured and stuff. I think one time they broke your wings, right? I was so happy they didn't do it to me, because I hate being hurt. I don't think I could have stood it if they broke my wings. Because then I couldn't fly until they healed, and I just love to fly. I mean, flying is so awesome! The way you feel the air rush past, and everything is all like whoosh, and you just are so happy and stuff. How long did it take until you fly again? I bet it took you a while. That's so sad. Were you sad then? Well, you were sad anyway, because you'd just recently gone blind! Oh yeah, and after you got upset and punched the telephone pole, you started complaining about being blind. I was all like, OMG, why is he complaining? What does he have to complain about? At least he still has pretty eyes! What about me? I have icky brown-mud eyes. They are sooo ugly. I don't like them at all. I wish I had your eyes. You know, except for the blind part. I think blue eyes are so pretty! Especially yours, because they aren't like the regular blue eyes. Like, not ocean-blue or sky-blue or anything. It's different. I think that's probably because you're blind, so the color of your eyes changed. Hmm, they're pretty anyway. So, I wish I had your eyes, but I could see, but they still looked like your eyes. That would be the best. Because I don't wanna be blind. If I was blind, I would hate it! Not being able to see anything at all would be sooooo horrible. I mean, I wouldn't be able to see my friends' faces or rainbows or bunny-rabbits or squirrels. I wouldn't like that at all. I mean, I love to see! Did you love to see, too? Oh, of course you did. Sorry for talking about that, that was really insensitive! Oh, did Max say something really insensitive? Is that why you're crying? Because she can do that. Maybe she said something like pointing out the fact you were blind and could barely do anything! Or the fact that she treats you like a seven-year old! Oh, she says insensitive stuff to me all the time too. Like, one day she told me my hair looked 'good'. I was so hurt! I mean, isn't that like the worst insult ever? I had to run back into the bathroom and fix it up until it looked great. Then I put on a bunch of makeup to make up for the bad hair. Ha! Get it? I put makeup on to make up for the bad hair! Oh, I crack myself up sometimes. Do you ever do that? Because I do. Oh, I just said that! I repeat myself sometimes, because I forget I already said it. Do you ever repeat yourself? I do it all the time. Oh my gosh, I just did it again! I am such an airhead today! That is sooooo funny! Are you ever an airhead? I wouldn't think of you as an airhead because you have to pay attention where you're going all the time, right? Of course right. Anyway, back to my first question. Why are you crying?"

Iggy lifted his head, having recovered from the awful gas, and stared amazedly in Nudge's direction.

"You do realize you just said that whole thing in one breath, right?" he asked. "Do you ever faint while you're talking?"

"No, not really. It wouldn't surprise me though, you know? Because I talk so much and I hardly ever breathe while I do it. I mean, I don't need to, so there's no point. I can talk really fast, that's how it's physically possible. It's sort of hard though. I really had to train myself for a long time. I'm like Houdini, that one guy who can hold his breath underwater for enlarged periods. I can do that. It took me forever to figure out how, but if I get in the right frame of mind, I don't have to breathe for like thirty minutes! Although that gets used up while I'm talking, because I have to use the air. OMG, wouldn't it be horrible if I was mute? I would absolutely hate that! Probably even more than if I was blind! Talking is like, all I have, you know? It's like my signature! Like how some people have catch phrases, on television shows and stuff? But I can just talk, and everyone knows it's me! Max even once told me that she can tell the difference between me and Gazzy pretending to be me because my sentence flow is more complex. Well, she either said complex or random. I'm just going to say she said complex, because that word is so much more complex. LOL, the world 'complex' is most complex! How funny is that?"

Nudge looked back up at the window where Iggy had been sticking his head out of only to find it Iggy-free.

"Hmm, that's so weird. He was just there, like, a second ago. Oh well, I must have zoned out while I was talking and stopped paying attention. I do that sometime. I also talk to myself a lot! It's very comforting, because when you're alone everything seems so much more quiet and scary. I don't like quiet, and when things are scary it scares me. So talking is easier, because it makes me more comfortable. Oh, I should probably get inside. Iggy probably left so he could make dinner!"

So Nudge marched off… meanwhile, Angel was watching the whole instance from the top of a cliff.

"Look at all of them, Celeste," she muttered to her stuffed angel-bear. "Going about their happy, normal lives. Meanwhile, I have to concentrate on my evil schemes! Gosh, they are so lucky they aren't a power-hungry seven-year-old. What lucky ducks."

Celeste nodded in agreement, and the two suddenly jumped from the cliff, free-falling several feet before Angel spread her wings. The two of them soared down towards the house.

Iggy had been making dinner. He was the best cook in the 'family' of mutant bird-kids, so the rest let him do everything. Angel perched outside the window and watched as he twirled around the kitchen, gathering ingredients and dumping them graciously into a huge pot. She gawked as he chopped up carrots and peppers with the skill and grace of a samurai, she gasped as he juggled fifteen eggs, cracking them perfectly and tossing them into the pot without getting any of the shells in. Then, Iggy brought a huge slab of steak from the fridge. He lathered it in olive-oil, salt and pepper, and then dumped it in the pot as well. Over the next several amazing minutes, Iggy tossed into the pot sliced onions, spinach, kale, capers, some pickles, and several cans of tuna, potatoes, sliced apples, syrup, paprika, cinnamon, pancake batter, whole-wheat flower, and tofu. Then he sprinkled over the top some crushed dry ramen noodles and sprinkled the pork flavoring over the top. He then placed the lid over the top and turned up the stove.

A moment later, he had shut the burners off and was lifting the giant pot from the stove, pulling off the lid and taking from inside about thirty perfect chicken-pot-pies. Angel blinked and gasped. So that was Iggy's secret chicken-pot-pie recipe! She'd keep this to herself.

"DINNER'S READY!" Iggy yelled, putting the pies on a giant plate and setting the table. Angel took off again and flitted around to the front door, where she entered and walked to the kitchen.

Gazzy, Nudge, Fang, Max and Iggy were already seated, their plates piled with chicken-pot-pies. There was only three left.

"Hey!" Angel protested, grabbing the pies. "You didn't leave me enough!"

"First come first serve," Iggy said, taking a giant bit of pie.

"Hmph, it's still not fair," Angel huffed, sinking her own teeth into a pie.

"Oh, Fang," Max sighed. "You are so sexy when you eat."

"I try," Fang responded, and they both promptly kissed, switching mouthfuls in the process. Gazzy stuck his tongue out.

"Ew! That is soooo much grosser than my farts!"

"I don't know, Gazzy," Nudge answered him. "Your farts are pretty gross. I mean, they fill a room with green gas! That has to be some sort of hazard! And they make everyone choke and tear up. But then again, when two people exchange the contents of their mouths, that is pretty disgusting. I would have to say that is probably the grossest way I have ever seen anyone kiss. But to each their own, I guess. I mean, if they like kissing that way, there really is nothing we can do about it. And I don't want to get between their lips. They would probably throw up on me. I bet they could puke in each other's mouths and not even notice. That would be way weird. Oh, and Iggy, are you feeling better? It doesn't look like you're crying anymore. I still don't know why you were crying, but I guess that's your secret. And these chicken-pot-pies are really, really good! But then again, they are your best. I love your chicken-pot-pies. They are always mega-delicious. What's your secret? You never tell us. Maybe it's illegal. Maybe it's magic! Haha, just kidding."

"Ha ha, yeah," Iggy answered, looking nervous and tugging at his collar. "It couldn't be magic. What a… er, heh heh… ridiculous idea…"

"Anyway, I'm done," Max said, starting to stand. Fang stood with her, because their lips were still stuck together like glue.

"Me too," he said. They both deposited their dishes in the sink.

"Where are you guys going?" Gazzy asked.

"Out to ice-cream."

"But we have ice-cream here," Angel pointed out.

"Yeah, but we're planning to make out," Max explained. "And we don't want to do that in front of you guys."

Gazzy, Nudge, Angel, and Iggy stared at the two blankly for many moments as Max and Fang continued to chew on each other's tongue.

"Uh…" Iggy managed.

"Yeah. So, while we're gone, Nudge, you're in charge."

"What?" Iggy asked, protesting. "She's younger than me!"

"That's right, sweetie," Max answered understandingly, reaching out to ruffle his hair. "But right now, me and Fang are going out, so you need to be taken care of!"

"Max!" Iggy exclaimed, annoyed.

"Listen to your pseudo-mom, Iggy," Fang put in sternly.

"I'M THE SAME AGE AS YOU GUYS!"

"Use your inside voice, Iggy," Max reprimanded. "We won't be gone long! There's no need to throw a tantrum!"

"I'm not throwing a tantrum! I'm simply protesting your decision to put a younger kid in charge of taking care of me!"

"Now now, Iggy! Nudge is your big sister. Don't say such rude things."

Iggy paused, staring. "It's not rude! It's the truth! I should be taking care of her!"

Fang stuck out his finger and shook it. "Iggy, you will listen to your pseudo-mother, or we'll give you a time-out!"

"WHY?" Iggy shouted, clutching his hair and racing out of the room. Max sighed and shook her head.

"Such a strange boy. What did we do wrong? Nudge, be sure to take extra-good care of him."

Nudge cocked her head.

"Um, but, he was right. He is older than me."

"Don't encourage him!" Fang sighed exasperatedly. "Now, we'll be leaving. Nudge, Put Angel, Gazzy and Iggy to bed at seven. You can stay up till we get home."

Nudge stared at the two for a moment, then shook her head and walked out of the room.

"Gazzy, be good while we're gone," Max said to the young boy.

"I'm gonna go save my farts in a plastic bag!" the Gasman exclaimed, rushing out of the room clutching his butt. Fang shook his head.

"You too, Angel," Max told the little girl. Angel rolled her eyes and walked away muttering something about an 'evil machine' and how soon she could 'take over the world'.

"This family is dysfunctional," Max said, putting her hands on her hips.

"Yes, but the ice-cream, Max, think of the ice-cream."

Max pondered Fang's statement for a moment, then nodded.

"You are most certainly right. Let us go."

The two of them flew away, holding each other close and smooching furiously.

Later that night, while Max and Fang were sucking face and ice-cream cones, Iggy protested his bed-time.

"I shouldn't have to go to bed at seven! I'm fifteen!"

"Sorry, Iggy, Max told me your bed-time was seven. It's not my fault. Besides, you don't really actually have to go to sleep now. You can just sit in your bed and read. Oh wait, sorry, you're blind, duh! Scratch that. You can look at pictures… oh, scratch that too. You could listen to the television… except you are supposed to be in bed, and the TV's in the living room. Hmm, you could listen to your iPod… if you had an iPod, which you don't. You could listen to the radio instead, I guess, if we owned one, which we don't. Comic books? No, you're still blind… hmm, you can't stare out the window or draw… I change my mind, Iggy, you are royally screwed. You're going to be bored for about five hours until you'll be able to fall asleep. Sorry, I'm just fresh out of ideas. Unless you wanted me to stay here and just talk to you for, like, an hour or two… I could totally do that, if you wanted me to, and then you wouldn't be bored! Plus, I'd be able to talk to someone that's not myself! Isn't that just the best idea? Huh? Isn't it, Iggy?"

Iggy threw his arm across his eyes and groaned.

"Ugh, Nudge, just leave. I guess I'll try to sleep now."

It would have been easy except that he had drunk about ten cans of soda thirty minutes earlier. Now, on top of being extra-hyper, he really had to pee.

Max and Fang arrived home at midnight only to find Nudge watching a very strange, very perverted show on the television, Gazzy farting and being constipated on the toilet, Iggy quietly fuming in his bed and trying very hard to wait for Gazzy to be finished, and Angel plugging in her world-wide mind-control machine.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Angel laughed maniacally. "I WILL CONTROL EVERY LIVING BEING ON EARTH! THE WORLD IS MINE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Max and Fang looked at each other, shrugged, and ran to the bedroom where they shut and locked the door, proceeding to make out.

That was very fun to write. I liked it. If you did too, please review. It will make my heart smile.

Review.