Dreams by carino2

A/N Okay. The next part in my mini-series is here. I really like the idea behind this one, but I think the writing is a bit awkward in places. Therefore, concrit is appreciated even more than usual. Oh, and Kudos to anyone who can figure out where this fits in to everything.
I also want to take the time here to thank all of you who reviewed for me...I've gotten some of my best reviews ever on these pieces, and I can't really express how grateful I am for that. Sorry if I didn't get the time to thank you personally, but this is for all of you.
Thanks!

Dreams always plagued me. Though I've grown, they haunt me still.

I remember tossing and turning almost every night when I was young. Then, I was saved by your arrival. Along with company, you brought comfort and distraction.

Somehow, you always seemed to know when you were needed. I'd never cry out or make much noise, the way you tell it. You said you knew when to come because of the connection you and I had. There used to be a string that linked our hearts. The string only made your betrayal that much worse. Never again would I see your Mona Lisa smile; never again would I hear your soft laugh in my ear; never again would your arms wrap around me, tough and impenetrable as stone.

Never again will you comfort me in any way.

When I have nightmares now, I have to face them down alone. I am past the days when your hands could bring me back to reality, and your body cannot anchor me to a safe place anymore. These days I always drift off again, but it doesn't matter as long as I'm alone. Even in my solitude, there are times I'd swear I feel your hands on me again. I know you are trying to comfort me, but you are now the source of my distress.

I keep silent about everything just as you always taught me to. Even though we've been through so much, I'm still daddy's little girl. You scare me that way, because I know that I'll never be able to completely let you go.

Inside is the last place that I'm safe, though it used to be that I wasn't even alone there. I don't tell you anymore that I'm screaming inside, willing to do anything to make the dreams stop. Almost anything. You're driving me crazy, and I can't stand it anymore. I have to, though, for the sake of everyone else.

Look what you've made me into. In my effort to cover up what I've become, I fear I'll end up covering myself. Memories of you smother me. You make me breathless still, and I'm exhausted from trying to fend you off.

All I've learned from you is that you can't rewrite the past.

Your voice as I remember it sounds like an Eraser's, seductive in its sweetness. There were times when I fell under its spell, willing to do anything for it. I realize now that you spoke poisoned honey, and wish I could force you to eat your words. I long to punch you so hard that the stars don't shine out of your eyes anymore. Of course, I'd steal your velvet gloves for the task so you thought everything was okay.

Somehow, you were so much more back them. You were bigger, stronger, and you seemed to sparkle. Your glamour has faded with age. The memories of it are as strong as they ever were.

Like the past, I know my dreams can't be changed. I'm cursed to forever feel you next to me, laying on the guilt and wallowing in my pain. Another thing that only you could manage to get away with, and I have only myself to blame.

Our connection. The words rise up again though I try to force them back. You were the most messed up connection I ever had, and you've managed to stay a part of me.

My feelings have welled up too strong, and I'm awake, silently sobbing like I did back when. The nightmares are not yet gone, because part of me thinks it feels you next to me. Even if I was unconscious, I would be able to tell that these are not your arms. For one, you were never so unselfish.

It seems that if I purify myself, I could let go of these memories. I have to clear my thoughts of you and let everything out. I'm done listening to what you told me, and I'm ready to flush every trace of you out of my body. My reminiscences all end in nightmares and regrets, and I'm over it. I'm tired of feeling broken.

As I drift off to sleep, I feel your arms embrace me once again.